Hope Is Ours

finally some good

2012-02-09T13:41:00.000-06:00

The good thing about January? Our trip to Nashville, which was so much fun and the perfect distraction from everything else. But the moment the clock flipped to the 27th, I started crying. My first birthday without my Dad and it was a lot harder than I imagined. So sad he'll never see me age beyond twenty-eight, so sad the days keep coming and going without him. Why hasn't the world stopped? Doesn't a man like him deserve that? I think I'm waiting for some grand send-off, a really spectacular way to say goodbye once and all. Not sure yet what or how that will happen but I know that it'll come to me and that it will be amazing.

So, here I am 29 years old and feeling every minute. Why does 29 sound so much older than 28? Even 30 sounds younger than 29! I've deduced that having a 9 in your age makes it so much worse, that weird filler year before you can celebrate a milestone and start a brand new adventure. I've decided to send the last year (sob) of my twenties (double sob) off with a bang! I'll spend it grieving, yes, but I'll also spend it growing and experiencing new things. Laughing more, listening better and living life to the fullest, it's all carpe diem up in here bitches! I've told C to just laugh and buckle in for this roller coaster, so far he's doing wonderfully. I swear that man is a saint...usually anyway.

If January's theme was bittersweet, than this month's is definitely impulsiveness. Evidenced by a spur of the moment trip to Houston for 4 days...where we also very impulsively bought a new house. Yep, a new house, in our hometown!!!! Well, technically we signed a contract for the new house to be built. It should be finished in mid-July and that's when we close and pay and all that painful stuff. It's big, really big compared to our current 1362 sq ft of loveliness. The new place is more than double that with enough bedrooms for my Mom, little brother, sister and niece to live with us for now. Mom will stay forever because now she's my prisoner but the siblings will move on after finishing school and securing jobs. I am so excited and ready for this big new chapter! I am quite busy these days pinning house ideas on Pin.terest and daydreaming about paint colors.

Tomorrow is 10 weeks since my Dad passed, both unbelievable and strange. I spend a lot of time wishing he was going to live with us too and imagining how that would be. Missing him deeply and thanking him for pushing this to happen so quickly.

my dad and my infertility

2012-02-02T10:01:00.000-06:00

Babies weren't really on my mind prior to late October. I was focused on Halloween and while I was dreading yet another child-less holiday season, I just wasn't too preoccupied about babies and IF. My health had gone to shit again and we had dipped into our IVF savings to help fund the two ER visits in September. So, I was also focused on replacing what we took. Plus, my cardiologist put me on medication that comes with a high miscarriage rate so we weren't even able to cycle if we wanted.

Then came the news that forever changed my life and November was all about him. Don't get me wrong, I did sob over the fact that I would never see him hold my child but mainly I focused on him. When he died, a baby was the last thing on my mind and most days it still is. But, some days, the ache for a child hits me so hard that it leaves me stunned. I long to look into the eyes of my child and see something of my Dad left to remind me, to comfort me. Which, considering the azoo, makes a biological child unlikely. But it's still there, the want for a child that looks like me, like my Dad. I know it's all wrapped up and intertwined right now since his loss is so fresh. I know I am perfectly happy with adoption. But oh man does my heart beg for a piece of my Dad. A tangible part of the incredible man whom I adored. Who taught me what it is to be this strong, feisty and independent person I am. A man who was taken from me too soon.

The days I want a baby are usually after a really difficult day for me. The days were it's a challenge to get dressed and be normal, when the tears are frequent and the memories overwhelming. There are few comforts and fewer distraction on those days, those are the days I just want my Dad. I want to drive up to his house and see him sitting outside. I want to walk up to him with a big smile as I say, "Hi, Dad!" while he looks up at me with his honey colored eyes, grins back and says, "Hey, Amanda." I want that so badly. Just as badly as I want to have my child.

Grieving while struggling with infertility is an odd combo, on one hand I'm familiar with the grieving associated with IF but on the other hand, this grief is so very different. Up until this, IF was the worst thing that had ever happened to me but now it pales in comparison to burying my Dad. IF doesn't seem so scary now and I don't really worry or obsess over it anymore. I know this can all change the further I get in my grief and I know it can all change after we actually start towards getting our baby but right now this is what it is.

I keep wishing I could go back in time to a year ago. Hug my Dad tighter, tell him constantly I love him and how special he is to me, never leave Texas so I could spend hours just soaking him up...and mainly, I would run, not walk, to my IVF clinic and see him hold my newborn.

Confession

2012-01-17T08:19:00.000-06:00

Let's do some confessions, shall we?

* I spend hours online looking at houses in my hometown because I am so ready to move back. We need plenty of space and a fenced backyard...but mainly I look for access to a highway that will take me to my Dad's cemetery quickly.

* I don't call my Mom much anymore, it used to be a daily occurrence, but now I just can't seem to pick up that phone.

* Thanks to the thyroid medicine, AF rears her ugly head now (yay me) and of course I am a tad late and of course this means I am fighting the urge to pee on things. Just goes to show, even an azoo dx won't stop an irrational IF'er from hoping for the impossible.

* my house looked an empty Pep*si can away from C calling Hoarders on me, so I finally cleaned. All he did was vacuum 2 rooms and he's acting like a damn martyr, I *might* not clean ever again.

* My birthday is in 10 days and part of me wants to sleep through it and part of me hopes people make a big deal about it. And part of me will have to fight the urge to wish my Dad back to life when I blow out the candles.

* I deleted every single FB friend that failed to give me condolences. Immature? Yes. But satisfying? oh hell yeah.

dear dad

2012-01-08T01:49:00.000-06:00

Starting the new year without you was a lot harder than I thought it would be. It was the last year of your life, the last year you and I shared and will ever share again. I cried a little after the clock struck midnight and throughout the day on January 1st. Only, then, I cried for multiple reasons- because your wedding anniversary with Mom is coming up, little brother's birthday and well, mine too. I was already blah about turning 29, this just makes it all that much more worse. C is taking me out of town to celebrate, we're going to Nashville. I'm excited but I'm sure I'll be wishing you were with us every moment. You loved country music and I think that's why I picked that particular destination.

I know you probably hear me talking to you all the time. It's very relieving to talk to you, even if you can't respond. I like feeling you with me everywhere too, I just feel so very loved by you. It's weird because I literally get this warm feeling in my heart and I just *know* it's you. You're with me and I love that so much. I'm going to enjoy taking you along on my journey and knowing you are up there praying for me, guiding me and looking out for me is amazing. But, still, I long for a hug, to hear you laugh and to just be around the man who fathered me and shaped me into who I am.

I've learned to make my grief into a faucet of sorts. I turn it off a lot and when I barely turn it on, it gushes and gushes out. Like tonight, I opened it without meaning to and cried and cried. Watched the slide show of you and cried some more. Of course, now I can't sleep but my sleep habits suck these days anyway. One of the main thoughts that is on repeat in my mind is that I just want to run to you and curl up next to you while you comfort me, while you explain this to me in a way that doesn't completely break my heart. I just want to be with you, with my Daddy, the strong protector you always were to me. I miss you.

In my daily talks with you, I spend a lot of time reminiscing about everything. Laughing and smiling at the memories, which everyone keeps telling me to cherish. And I do, so much and they're wonderful. But they don't compare to the actual man. Never will.

love & miss you

stages of grief

2011-12-28T12:05:00.001-06:00

It took three weeks to hit me that he's really gone. Up until then, I'd see his picture and my stomach would clench and the first thought in my mind would be that it's impossible, there's no way he's really gone. I kept asking C why it didn't seem real to me. I mean, he died in front of my eyes, I saw him in his coffin and watched him be buried...but it still hadn't sunk in. I finally realized I was in denial and when I woke up Friday, exactly three weeks later, it hit me. I've been a zombie since, crying a lot more and very withdrawn from the world. I keep my phone on silence, ignore texts, avoid FB and twitter and don't really leave my house. I'm a hermit that cries at the oddest moments and I never can predict what will set me off.

I saw my primary care doctor last week and he prescribed me Am.bien and told me what I'm going through is totally normal so he left my dosage of anti-depressants alone. I had high hopes for the Am.bien but it doesn't seem to be working, I still can't sleep and have horrible nightmares when I finally do. Accepting this shit isn't doing me any better than the denial was. But at least I know I'm grieving "normally", I even googled it just to be sure. C keeps reassuring me that I am normal too, man do I love that man. He's strong for me so that I don't have to be and doesn't bat an eye that the house is a mess and I don't cook anymore (I'd kick his ass if he did, btw)

We went home for Christmas and it wasn't as bad as I feared it would be, although it was very close. I mainly stayed with my family and never did the gift exchange with my ILs, couldn't bear it. Christmas morning one of my aunts on my Mom's side had a stroke so that just added to the general shitfest that 2011 has been. Can't wait to get this year behind me for good. Her prognosis is still very touchy, I pray and pray she recovers. Can't lose her and can't bear another death.

I miss my Dad so much it hurts to breathe. I feel his absence is every damn moment but I also feel his love and that my friends, gets me through this. One day at a time, one awful hour to the next.

[thank you with all my heart for the thoughts and prayers throughout this whole ordeal and for reading along, means the world to me]

a blue christmas

2011-12-20T10:02:00.000-06:00

I want this all to be a bad dream. I want to sleep until January 1st. I want to run screaming to a tropical beach and get very, very drunk. I know none of this is possible so instead I shop for presents, wrap them, listen to Christmas music and send out a couple of cards to good friends. My heart just isn't into it this year, barely decorated a little 3 foot tree we bought instead of dragging our big one out. Heading back home soon to get the hardest Christmas ever over.

I clearly underestimated grieving. It's kicking my ass and leaving me whimpering on the floor in the fetal position. My house is a disaster, the laundry piled high and I've lost 12lbs because I just forget to eat or have no appetite. I wouldn't remember to shower but I hate having greasy hair and unshaved legs so I manage that at least. Needless to say, I'm taking this pretty hard.

I feel irrevocably changed, like a piece of me is forever gone. The one thought that keeps popping up is that I feel untethered, like I am only half stuck to this place. My Dad's gone so his string broke but my Mom's keeps me attached, I'm half untethered. It's a disconcerting feeling, a lost feeling. Some days I don't cry a single drop and he doesn't occupy my every thought but some days, I sob and sob and replay memories in my head over and over. It's funny but I'll forget and briefly freak out that I haven't bought him a Christmas present yet or called to check on him that day, I find myself talking about him and making plans for him like he's still here. Then, like a jolt, I remember and oh that sinking feeling sucks ass.

I never imagined losing a parent could fundamentally change a person. But it has, I know in my heart that I will never be the same. Yes, life will go on and I will eventually stop the hardcore grieving but it will always be different now, I will always be different now. I will always mourn him, miss him, long to see him just one more time. I will learn to live with this but I will never be who I was. Eventually the nightmares will stop and I won't be scared of driving or large crowds (all irrational, I know), it'll get easier.

I both look forward to that day and dread it. Just like I dread turning 55 and outliving him and I dread the day he's been gone 29 years- longer than I had him here as my Dad. But I also look forward to it, to taking him with me on my journey, knowing he's guiding me and praying for me. He's safe, happy and healthy again, I love that. I just hate it for me.

the aftermath

2011-12-12T12:46:00.001-06:00

He passed away December 2, 2011 at 2:30am. He'd been comatose that whole week, looking back, I see how I ignored the clues that Thursday was probably going to be his last day, I just couldn't believe it. I administered his pain meds at 1:30am and was in the living room watching tv when my big brother came and got me bc our Dad's breathing had changed. My Mom, little brother and I were in the room with him, chatting when I looked over and noticed he'd stopped breathing. I jumped up, got my other brother and sister and we surrounded the bed, touching him and calling out I love you, when he quietly took his last breath and was gone. It was the most surreal moment of my life. How honored I am to have been there when that wonderful man left this world.

The day he died and the following days planning and attending the funeral are just a blur to me. Almost like a horrible dream that I floated through. C got me through it all, he really is incredible. I have only had a couple of absolute breakdown-sobbing uncontrollably moments. The first wasn't when he died but when the funeral home took him out on a stretcher. My mind was screaming, "Please don't take him! Leave him with us!" and I was so upset that never again would we see him in the house, this was it. I just sobbed in C's arms until I sent him to walk my Dad out and watch him leave.

C, my SIL and I planned the best funeral for him. Country music played during the visitation, there was a slide show of pictures before the Rosary started and we played his two favorite songs at the cemetery. Pictures were everywhere at the funeral home, his cowboy hat perched on the edge of the coffin, his canes standing nearby, baseballs from my brother and two nephews in the coffin, along with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in his pocket. It was perfect and the best way to send him off. I know he loved it. It was truly my honor and privilege to help care for him. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, although I'd wish I wouldn't have to, because watching a loved one waste away and die from cancer is hell on earth.

C and I are back in AR now, going home for Christmas and bringing my Mom back to stay for a while. I didn't know grieving for him would be like this. Empty, lonely and just crushing to my soul. I can't handle crowds, stores or driving. No appetite, so I've lost ten pounds, which I ironically laugh at bc I've been dieting for so long to no avail. Anyway, ever been in a room that is suddenly plunged into darkness? And you fumble around looking for light, so disoriented, with your arms stretched out searching for something, anything to help but there's nothing. Yeah, that is what it feels like when you lose a parent. I feel half untethered and lost. My precious Dad is gone and while I am so happy he's now pain free and in Heaven with our Lord, I am so sad for me, my Mom, my siblings, my nephews and nieces.

Happy for him, sad for me...because I just miss him so fucking much. Devastated because the missing him only grows daily and will for the rest of my life.

he's gone

2011-12-02T07:07:00.000-06:00

The best Daddy a girl could ask for passed away after a very brave battle with colon cancer. He truly lit up a room when he walked into it and always was quick to smile and laugh. I am who I am because of him and I can't thank him enough for being my Dad. It's been my honor and privilege to care for him. And while I know he's in a better place and no longer in pain, it doesn't soothe the worst part of it all, having to live the rest of my life without him.

Dear Dad,

2011-11-19T22:47:00.000-06:00

It's often late at night that this ball of anxiety and nervousness takes up residence in my chest, I almost can't breathe from the pressure. Then it turns into restlessness, which causes me to drive mindlessly around until I feel ok enough to maybe sleep. I hate leaving you but sometimes, I just have to get out of here. I know you understand, you are the same way. Getting the hell out of dodge is sometimes the best solution to a problem. It's also at night that I try to imagine your funeral and what it will be like. Will anyone attend? Will anyone send flowers? How will all of us make it through? So many questions and not a single answer that makes me feel better.

Your decline is astonishing because I think we had actually convinced ourselves that you aren't dying. You've outlived the two week prediction by the hospice we fired but as we come upon the month prediction from your oncologist, I freak out a little. It seems like it might be accurate and that scares the fuck out of me. I'm sitting here right now listening to your oxygen machine, hearing it's intake and outtake makes me want to throw up because it reminds me of your time in the ICU after your stroke. I'm glad it helps you but I dread the day it doesn't. The house is full of medical equipment: a wheelchair, an oxygen tank on wheels, a nebulizer, a suction machine...visible reminders of the truth we so desperately want to ignore.

The past couple of days have been a sharp decline. You stare blankly a lot and rarely respond to us unless you nod for more pain medicine. Your too weak to cough up normal saliva and can barely sip water. I hate it. I hate it for you because I can see it in your eyes that you aren't ready for any of this, you don't want to leave us. You hate that this is what your life is like now, that this is how you are dying. I see it and I wish I could make it all better for you. I promise that Heaven will be amazing, you won't hurt or be sad. I hear it's paradise and that you feel nothing but peace, joy and love. I know you will be thrilled to be with Grandpa again and your uncle and your own grandparents too. I know you'll be able to run and play baseball again, hear Elvis give a concert and float on a cloud. Believe it or not, that is actually comforting to me.

But, I also know that you will miss us. Because we will be missing you so incredibly much too. I also know that your love for us won't stop because neither will our love for you. I know we'll see you again one day and that you'll have the biggest grin to greet us when we get to Heaven. I just wish you didn't have to go yet. I wish that you could stay and continue loving us here. I'd give anything for that, anything.

I just have one request, when you get to Heaven, can you ask God to send C and I a baby?

Dear Dad

2011-11-07T17:40:00.001-06:00

Dear Dad,

I still can't believe you're dying, it just makes no sense to me. There's little doubt looking at you that something is going on, you are 106 lbs and often bundled up because you are always cold but I still have a hard time understanding that this is it. I despise the hospice nurses, although Abel isn't too bad. He always shakes your hand and is so nice to you. Nurse Mary is a down right bitch and I look forward to being able to tell her to fuck off. You hate her too and basically ignore her when she's here, being all loud and rude. Right now I am sitting across from you in the living room as you doze. I keep stealing glances at you to ensure you are still breathing and I feel my heart lurch when you take too long.

We celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday and seeing you so happy made me so happy. You didn't eat much but you still tried. Grandma made her famous stuffing that you adore and Aunt B made your favorite banana cream pudding. Your six sisters fawned all over you and annoyed the hell out of me, as usual. You got tired fast and we made everyone leave so you could nap. None of us mentioned that we were doing this now, just in case you leave us soon. In fact, all mention of your funeral has stopped. We were talking about it a lot but now none of us want to talk about it anymore. C and I went to the funeral home you said you preferred and got a quote. I almost threw up walking in and just wanted to get the hell out of there. Did you know funerals cost around $9,000? I didn't either. You are so worth every penny, I am just thankful that I can dip into our IVF fund to do this for you. Thankful and a tad panicked because holy cow that is a shit ton of money. But, you know, I'd spend triple that just to keep you here.

I wish I could change all this, keep you healthy and safe and here. I want so badly to see that grin on your face when I tell you C and I are going to have a baby. I want so badly to see you cuddle my child and spoil him or her rotten. I want to so badly to dance with you one more time to our song, "Amanda" by Waylon Jennings. I wish I had taken you to Alaska and Cancun, like you wanted. Or even to Luckenbach like I said I would. I'm sorry that I never did, life got in the way, which I know is a piss poor excuse, no matter how true it is.

Do you know that I think you are so handsome? Do you know that you are the true heart of our family? Do you know just how grateful I am to have your sense of adventure and your love of travel? I even have your crude sense of humor and bluntness that borders on rudeness. I love when people tell me how much like you I am. Do you know just how damn proud I am to be your daughter?

love you...more than I can explain
A

dying isn't pretty

2011-11-03T14:29:00.001-05:00

Dear Dad,

Ten days have passed since they told us your prognosis, cold hard words that felt like a punch to my gut. At first it seemed like you were going to pass soon but then you rallied and had an awesome few days. But, the last couple of days have been harder and you are weaker, eating less and you don't talk anymore. You sit quietly and watch tv or stare at us or off into the distance. Mainly, you enjoy to sit outside and take it all in. You told me that you like to watch the butterflies and the wind in the trees. You also really enjoy looking at the moon. It makes me sad to watch you stare off like this. I wonder what you are thinking and feeling, are you scared? Do you realize what is happening as you slow down more and more?

I read online the stages of death and you show some of them but not the ones you should be showing. It's like your body is ready but you aren't. Which is typical of you, you always do things in your own way and in your own time. I feel like I have so much to say to you but just can't find the words. I tried to tell you and ended up bawling my eyes out. You hugged me, rubbed my back and told me that it's ok, you're not going anywhere for a long time. You comforted me as I told you that I was scared and going to miss you so much. I had to come back inside the house because I didn't want to upset you. I keep telling you that I love you and hearing you respond is music to my ears.

We're all here, all twelve of us, well, C comes and goes because he's working in AR but for the most part, we're here. Soaking you up and taking lots of pictures. We forget sometimes what is really going on but then we remember and it's hard. We have to help you walk and I know that makes you sad but we really don't mind. We all scramble to help you, to fetch your favorite foods or surprise you with gifts. Anything to make you smile because you rarely do so these days. It's odd to look at you and know you are dying, that death is so close to you, to us. I can't seem to wrap my mind around it, I literally can't picture a future without you in it. You have always been a very proud man and so full of life. To see it ending like this for you, pisses me off. Dying from cancer is ugly, you can't really eat because the tumors in your stomach are pushing against everything so you are only 119lbs. You wear diapers now and take a lot of pain medicine. This isn't how it should be. I am so sorry, Dad. I am so sorry.

I have so many questions and concerns these days about you. But the main ones are: Do you know how much I will miss you? Do you know just how wonderful you have been to us? You are the greatest man I have ever known and I love you more than you can ever know.

love,
your favorite daughter (don't worry, I won't rub that in too much with T)

a new reality

2011-10-26T13:41:00.000-05:00

I'm home, with my family. Soaking up all the time I can with my Dad. My wonderful, hilarious, wacky Dad is dying. We started hospice yesterday after getting the news Friday that the cancer isn't responding to chemo and is spreading. My Dad was ready to stop treatment anyway so hospice was the only choice left. His doctor told us that he has maybe a month, the hospice nurse thinks it will be a couple of weeks. I don't want either option.

He is having a really good day today and is very alert. He doesn't say much but he laughs at us and plays with the grandkids. We're all camped out here, nobody wants to leave his side for a moment. We're all in this together and making the best out of this horrible situation. I keep forgetting that it's really happening. It doesn't seem real to me. Even as I call funeral homes, make plans and coordinate his care, it feels like I'm talking about someone else. I don't want this to be real, please don't let it be real. He's only 54, how the hell am I suppose to live the rest of my life without him? How can it be that my Dad will never hold my child? How is it possible for me to be here, typing this, when my heart is shattered?

Cancer fucking sucks.

this year needs to end

2011-10-01T02:25:00.000-05:00

If you listen very quietly, I think you can hear God laughing at me. Deep, throaty belly laughs at that. I'm not quite sure where this year derailed for me, I think I can pinpoint it to April but something tells me it was crap before that. I had SO much hope for this year, I was very excited to finally tackle IVF and was more than ready to make IF my bitch. Then all the bad crept in and it's been one slam after another. Exactly two weeks after my ER trip, C was in a motorcycle accident. It involved a curve on a mountain, a pothole and a very awesome guardian angel.

I had a bad feeling that whole day, I kept getting a picture in my head of a police officer ringing my doorbell. C had taken the bike to work bc he was taking his driving lesson and getting his motorcycle license. Which, he passed with flying colors, oddly enough! After work, we were going to drag down our Halloween decor from the attic and go grocery shopping, terribly exciting stuff around here. But, a friend called and wanted to go for a quick ride and I knew he really wanted to go. Glee was coming on so I decided not to join them and kissed him bye. By nine that night, when he hadn't shown up, I was starting to get nervous. I know C and he would never stay out that late on his bike, especially after telling me it would be a quick ride. That is when he pulled up and I saw the damage. I took in how ripped his clothes were and rushed into his arms.

Then we were off to the ER because his left knee was one disgusting bloody hole. No stitches because of the way it cut so we keep it clean and covered with gauze. Other than that he has bumps and scratches. He got lucky that he was only going about 35mph on the curve and that he had on a long sleeve shirt and his fire resistant thick jeans and steel toe boots..oh and his helmet, thank God. He skidded on the road about 15 feet after flying off the bike. And the bike is totaled but C isn't and that is all I care about. He's limping around for now but his knee already looks better.

I am so very thankful that it wasn't worse and so very happy that he wasn't badly hurt. C keeps repeating how grateful he is for his guardian angel and oh man, so am I. God may be laughing at my attempts to plan and control my life but He is also looking out for me. So, I can't be too mad about our continued rotten luck...at least for now.

my health is turning on me

2011-09-15T10:20:00.001-05:00

Ignoring what your body is trying to tell you is never a good idea but apparently I am an idiot. It all started with my right shoulder hurting on Friday night and by Saturday evening, if I laid on my right side, my shoulder and my chest would hurt so bad I couldn't breath. Sunday afternoon I put a heating pad on my shoulder and realized my chest was hurting now too. I briefly worried about a heart attack but I popped some aspirin and when it that seemed to help, I dismissed it. Monday night I had C put some icy hot type stuff on my shoulder (thinking I had pulled something in my shoulder) and noticed my heart was racing but being the genius I am, I ignored that too. Tuesday morning, I was sitting on my bed folding laundry and suddenly couldn't breath, it was like I had ran 5 miles, that kind of out of breath. I was scared but left that afternoon to run some errands anyway, I noticed I was also really hot and sweating. When I got back home, my chest was hurting so bad and I was having such a hard time breathing, I decided to take my blood pressure with the little cuff we have here. It was 154/96 so I texted my midwife friend and told her what had been happening, she immediately called and said she was on her way to take me to the emergency room.

In the 10 minutes it took her to get here, my arms started going numb. 20 minutes later in the ER, my blood pressure was 194/118 and my pulse was 140. They immediately whisked me back and started running all kinds of tests and pushing bp meds into me. I didn't get scared until C walked in, then I started to cry a little. After my bp started going down, the doctors started lecturing me about how if I hadn't come in when I did, I could have passed out and went into cardiac arrest. About how important it is to take care of yourself and listen to your body. I know they are right but they were annoying the hell out of me. They also gave me a pregnancy test, which I loudly complained about because I told them repeatedly we were IF and had less than a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. C griped at me for being so difficult about that but I hate that shit so much. Especially when my nurse told me, "Doctors are wrong all the time!!" STFU.

Anyway, I have bp meds now and an appt tomorrow with my doctor to followup on it. It's amazing how much better I feel now with the medicine in me. That makes me happy but it also makes me realize just how bad I was feeling before. I guess I had been feeling like crap for so long that I got used to it until it got really bad. I've been taking it easy the past couple of days and trying to eat better. I've also been thanking God that I have good friends who show up at the drop of a hat to take me to the hospital. I'm mad at myself for ignoring what my body was trying to tell me and I will never, ever do that again.

the weekend

2011-09-10T08:42:00.000-05:00

My Dad was in the hospital almost all week, C's motorcycle decided to stop working, a birthday present I mailed to my nephew was never delivered, my skin is freaking out like I'm thirteen again, my baby fever is through the roof and C has been working a lot. So, needless to say, I am quite happy to have made it to the weekend!

I am in need of some gratitude, my reminder that I have little gold nuggets among all the chaos. This week I am grateful for:

*a cold front that brought Fall to my part of Arkansas
*completing some DIY projects that make me feel like a domestic goddess
*sleeping with our windows open
*preparing for Fall by washing heavy blankets, deep cleaning the house and putting away Summer stuff
*Friends and How I Met Your Mother marathons on tv
*visits with my good friend and her adorable newborn
*phone calls from my nephew where he blurts out he loves and misses me before excitedly telling me about his baseball game, school and a million other things
*Pumpkin Spice lattes!!
*Visits from my SIL, BIL and niece and nephew
*C making me laugh and us getting back to normal

I am not as sad to see Summer end this year as I was last year, this Summer just wasn't as golden. I am happily packing away beach towels and bathing suits and draining our super awesome kiddie pool. I am quite happy to dig out our heavy blankets, jackets and scarves. I'm looking forward to corn mazes, pumpkin carving and pretty leaves and making C bring down my Fall decor from the attic is always fun for me. The only downside is that this time of year always brings out the worst in my IF sadness. I can't help but feel like all of this Fall fun would be SO much better with our child. And it's just going to snowball straight to Christmas where I will drink my way through Christmas Eve and day...like any good Christian, Southern woman dealing with IF ; )

Some honesty

2011-09-06T05:04:00.000-05:00

I've struggled with writing this post for some time now. It's just so personal and so painful and you wouldn't think it would be since I have this blog and share my life with strangers but I am actually a fairly private person. I know a lot about my friends but they only know small glimpses of my life bc I rather not share too much. I am the master at letting people think they know me while keeping my feelings private. I joke a lot about sex and make inappropriate comments frequently but I don't get too deep with anybody. I like to protect my heart by not revealing too much of it. And sometimes this tumbles over into my marriage and causes problems.

When I am hurting, I just completely shut down and close into myself. I push everyone away, including C...well, mostly C. I just become too overwhelmed with it all and can only find solace in myself. The infertility didn't have this effect on me but all of this cancer shit with my Dad has just brought me to my knees. I simply cannot do anything to lessen this pain; a constant pain and fear that rages and whispers and is never silent. He's sick, he has stage 3 colon cancer and the prognosis isn't great. I am going to lose him, it's just a matter of when. This is something I just really can't process, my mind rejects it and my heart denies it.

So, my way of coping is pushing C away and straining our marriage. Aren't I just a fucking genius? During my recent long visit to TX, I just made up my mind to finally tell C just how unhappy I was. And to my shock, he responded the exact same way. We were both utterly miserable. This led to several very long talks about what to do about it. He flew to Houston at the end of my visit to see our families and drive back with me and on that 8 hour drive, we cried and talked quietly about walking away. There was no yelling, no name calling, no big blow up. We talked about just how incredibly hard it is to live with infertility and how much damage the initial diagnoses did to us. We talked about how it changed us individually and as a couple. We talked about what my Dad's illness has done to me, to us. How we have just had one hit after another to endure. We talked about if we wanted to stay married to a person who has changed so much. Sometimes it just hurts too much.

I love C desperately, he is my best friend in the whole world. He is the only person on this planet that makes me feel like me. He is my home, my heart, my harbor. I was praying during the whole drive that he still felt that way about me. I can't tell you how happy my heart was when he turned to me and told me he loved me and that we were worth fighting for. Once we both talked out all the hurt and pain, we just knew that we have no choice but to right the wrongs and make us stronger. We have been through a lot and it's just so easy to wallow in it and let it overtake us. But that is such a weak, lame move. We are stronger than this, we can get through this and it won't be easy but we're ok with that.

In the (almost) 12 years of us, we thought we had built a strong foundation and while I think it still is, infertility and a parent's illness showed us the weak spots. Now we are working on us and it feels right. The bad is still there and it's going to get worse, I know my darkest days lie ahead with actually losing my Dad. I also know that losing him will forever change me and that I'll live with some degree of grief for the rest of my life. I don't like thinking about it but I know that I have C to lean on. I know we can face that together. My life will go on and the best way to honor my Dad will be to live it to the fullest and to love with all my heart.

I also know that IVF lies ahead of us but whether it is a success or a failure, the ending won't change. The ending has already been determined. We will be parents, regardless.

Greetings from Tejas

2011-08-14T06:15:00.000-05:00

Here I am, eleven days into my Texas trip and a week away from returning to Arkansas, and I just don't want to leave. It seems God is doing that thing where he laughs at me again. I am just really ok with being here right now, I am loving my time with my family and just soaking up as much time with my Dad as I can. I spend my days playing with my nephews and nieces, running errands with my parents and thinking about how much I miss living close to all these people that I love.

I also spend time at MD_Anderson, pushing my Dad around in his wheelchair to chemo appointments, blood draws and check-ups. I smile big at the bald kiddos while my heart aches for them and chat with other patients about how cold the hospital is, what the cafeteria is serving and that the crabby receptionist is working infusion again today. I haven't been home for his chemo appointments, my trips here have fallen before or after. Being here to actually witness his response to chemo is nothing short of heartbreaking. For three days, chemo drips into his body nonstop via a pump. The first day he is a little worn out, the second day he starts dropping weight and looking depressed, the third day he is sad, exhausted and barely getting out of bed. Then the pump comes off and it takes three more days for his smile to return.

I want him to be his old self, the strong, proud man he was before the stroke and before the cancer came back. I just want him to live, I just want this to all go away. I'll take a dozen appointments with Dr. Nuts and Dr. Insensitive over this shit. I just want to beat his doctors into curing him, I want to scream at God for my Dad's suffering, I want to slap people bitching about trivial things on FB but mainly, I just want to curl up into a ball and sob for my Daddy.

On the Road Again

2011-07-30T08:18:00.000-05:00

I'm heading home in a couple of days. Back to Texas to attend doctor appointments with my parents, help them pack and sort and store their things so they can move to a smaller house, help my little brother with navigating what to do now that he's graduated and to also make funeral arrangements for my Dad. Our thinking being it's "easier" to make the arrangements before we need them. Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. My Dad's birthday is the 17th so I'll just stay until after that, so it's a nice, long visit at that. I'm slightly worried I'm going to lose my mind this trip down. C, of course, can't go so I'll be without my safety net. ::sigh::

It's always on the eve of these long trips back home that suddenly my house seems so hard to leave. My bed is so much more comfortable, my fridge stocked with the yummiest food, there are suddenly projects that I must undertake and I just want to snuggle into my house and never leave. I actually dread the small bed at my inlaws, the cramped shower too. I dread having to leash my dogs every.single.time they need to go out because their yard isn't fenced. I'm not looking forward to the infamous Houston humidity and swamp-like steamy nights. And most of all, I dread having the ever looming thoughts that my time with my Dad is running out. That I better savor every conversation, every hug, every laugh because there's no longer an endless supply of them. There's a limit and it's coming.

This has been the year from hell, one hit after another. And I know that's life but I could really use a freaking break before my head explodes. But, you wanna know something funny? I still keep hoping that something better, something happy, is just around the corner. Maybe, just maybe, God will throw us a freaking bone and we'll have something to remind us that life isn't all doom and gloom.

I hope it happens soon.

Cancer Sucks

2011-07-20T12:20:00.000-05:00

The doctor's official prognosis is not good. He feels that the chemo is killing my Dad faster than the cancer is and believes that it's best to stop treatment and enter hospice care. The problem is he is just too weak and losing too much weight and the weakness stems from the stroke and the weight loss from tumors pressing against his digestive tract. So, it's just bad all around.

I spent the past two days very depressed and weepy as I started to think about making arrangements to move to TX for the remainder of the year and gathering information about funerals. I also started thinking about where my Dad would like to take a trip while he's still feeling good. It is a very heartbreaking thought that I'm going to lose my Dad. I feel like there is still so much he needs to teach me, so much he needs to see me accomplish and so many memories that I am being robbed of and of course, that my child will never know my Dad is the worst thought of all. Losing my Dad will be the biggest heartbreak of my life, the infertility pales in comparison for me.

But my Dad wants to keep fighting, he isn't ready to give up, so we're in the process of getting a second opinion. Frankly, I am quite pissed that MD_Anderson is giving up on my Dad so easily after only 3 rounds of chemo. I mean, really?! 3 rounds and you're calling it over? They can fuck off if they think we're going to accept that and take my Dad home to die. We're fighters, we fought to keep him alive while doctors urged us to turn off the life support, we fought to get him the treatment he deserved and we fought to bring him back to us. We're not about to let ANYONE take him away. At least, not without a fight. They clearly underestimate my family and our determination. Idiots.

So today I woke up feeling somewhat better, able to ignore the bitterness and sadness a little more today than yesterday. His second opinion appointment is in August and I eagerly await it. After all, I know firsthand how much a second opinion can save your ass.

MIA

2011-07-17T21:31:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted, it's been busy to say the least. We finally took a much needed vacation to Florida with my family and it was just wonderful. Very relaxing and fun! C also went back to his old company, into a new position that is amazing. He loves it and has a more normal schedule, which I love! And this past Friday we celebrated 5 years of marriage! That wonderful man bought me diamond earrings to celebrate, isn't he a keeper?!

It was wonderful to spend a week with my family on the beach, especially considering my Dad's health. His tumors haven't grown but they also haven't shrunk and the chemo is taking a lot out of him. He has an appointment tomorrow with his doctors to go over everything, I pray for something good because they've already mentioned hospice care. None of us are ready to hear that and I know nobody ever wants to hear that so we're praying desperately for something good.

I'll be sure to update once I know more but until then, enjoy the FL pics:

Friday Happy Thoughts

2011-06-24T19:05:00.001-05:00

Things that make me happy/grateful lately:

* getting new magazines in the mail
* an unexpected phone call from a longtime friend
* a book that is making me think and feel good
* a lunch date with my IF friend that lasted 8 hours...then we had dinner!
* a last minute cookout with friends, Summer at it's finest
* new nail polish colors; I've only ever bought pink or orange, now I'm addicted to purple & green
* sitting in the backyard, waiting the heat lightning with a glass of wine
* but I also like sitting there during the day and watching the birds fight over our bird feeder, we have doves!!
* cuddling up on the couch with C and our dogs and watching a movie

My Dad ended up in the ICU this week after aspirating vomit while under anesthesia to get a port put in and then he developed pneumonia. He's stable now but it was very scary for awhile. Can I just say again that cancer sucks?

Stuck in the Middle

2011-06-21T17:47:00.000-05:00

We spent Father's Day back in TX with our families and it was actually nice. I didn't spend every moment thinking about how we weren't celebrating C but it did cross my mind throughout the day. I avoided FB as much as I could but still managed to see posts that made me sad. I can't wait for the day I can be gushy about what a wonderful father C is and I know he will be. He'll be fantastic and our child will be very lucky to have him.

I want so badly to have our child, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Sometimes I think we should go ahead and schedule the IVF. Then my Dad will have a bad day and my Mom will freak out and the doctors will scare us and all IVF thoughts fly out the window. I can't imagine going through IVF right now but I so badly want to. It's been interesting to experience the shift and change in my feelings about IF. We've been traveling down this road for 3 years and 2 months with not a single treatment under our belt and with no idea when we will get to cycle. I feel like a half-infertile, like I don't really belong in the IF world, at least not completely. But I sure as hell don't belong in the land of the fertiles either.

Adding to my interesting feelings, is how much I flip between being over the bitterness and having it surprise me at odd moments. I'm fine with the baby section at the store but I still don't want to sit with a group of women talking about labor and baby milestones. I can host a baby shower but please don't make me ohh and ahh over cute, tiny clothing over and over. I finally know my limits and have no problem enforcing them, which was something I struggled with for a long time. I also can't think/talk/read/obsess over IF anymore, which has made me avoid my blog and the IF message board I like. I just have no desire to be around all IF, all the time, right now. I know that will change once we actually cycle but in the mean time, I avoid it. I don't even like talking about it to friends and family. C and I mention it occasionally but nothing like it was, it's nice but weird.

So, here we sit, stuck in the middle and not happy about it but not crying either. It's a strange place to be but we're here and making the best of it. It's been a hellish few months and I just want to get through the rest of the Summer without losing another family member and without any major setbacks to my Dad's health. I'm ready for good health and happiness.

Keep Calm and Carry On

2011-06-09T18:58:00.000-05:00

My new motto these day! Sometimes it works and sometimes it fails, epically. My Dad is still trucking along, chemo is kicking his butt and the weight loss is becoming an issue. He is now down 25 lbs in a month and looks like a skeleton, it's so hard to see. He doesn't leave the house much and when he does, he is confined to a wheelchair because he is just too weak. It sucks and this shit better work.

I just returned from Houston and I'm already going back soon, I want to spend Father's Day with him. This isn't how I pictured spending my Summer but I'm trying to make the best of it. Squeezing in as much fun as I can, when I can. I'm obsessed with snowcones lately, nothing beats that sugary sweet on a hot, hot afternoon. And oh man is it HOT, thanks to a nice heat wave Arkansas is having. Whew, remind me how much I longed for this in a couple of weeks when I'm begging for Fall to start already!

The future is still so uncertain right now and IF is very far from my mind. Feels good to not stress over IVF but I'd trade that for the cancer stress in a second. Back on anti-depressants since I can't seem to stop crying or sleep normally. I go back and forth from long periods of time not being able to sleep to sleeping all the time, it'd be nice to sleep like a normal person again. Through it all, C is my saving grace, I'd be lost without that sweet, sweet man. Even though my mood swings must annoy him, he takes it all in stride and just holds me while I cry and blabber about my fear of losing my Daddy.

Hope your Summer has started off nicely, I'm loving reading all the bog updates from the pregnant IF'ers. Makes me smile.

Gold Nuggets

2011-05-31T18:14:00.000-05:00

Finding something to smile about amidst less than happy circumstances is a bitch. I guess I can add gratitude and hope to that sentence too. Cause lately I really suck at anything positive related. It's really hard seeing my Dad go through chemo, he's lost 15 pounds and he was pretty skinny to begin with. My Mom is trying so hard to be strong for him but just falls to pieces with me. I just wish I could make this all go away for them. They are also having a hard time with money since my Dad was the provider and can't work right now. C and I are doing everything we can to help but I still feel like I should do more. It just never feels like I am doing enough and I feel horrible for not being in TX all the time. It is really tearing me apart feeling like I need to be in two places at once.

So, finding something good right now is hard but I am trying so much, I need to keep in mind that there is good. Buying a new book, finding a cute Summer dress. floating in the pool with friends, date nights with C, my little brother graduating high school, talking to my nephews and nieces; all very simple stuff but good nonetheless. I try to find something happy every day, I call them "my little gold nuggets", to thank God for at night. Some days I only have one little nugget to be thankful for but sometimes there are a lot. It helps keep me sane.

I look forward to getting past this, to my Dad's clean bill of health. I can't wait.

faith? hope? what?

2011-05-24T23:03:00.000-05:00

I know things are boring around the Hope blog lately but it's been an emotional couple of months and I just haven't felt up to blogging or posting on the IF message board I used to frequent. I am just at a really weird place in regards to IF lately. I'm tired of feeling bitter and angry and just want to feel normal again. I'd like to be able to be around baby things without it sending a horrible ache through my body. I'm having some luck with all that, I can rub my friend's baby bump, which I know is a huge no-no for so many pregnant women but I literally can't help but touch, and I'm helping plan her a shower. But I can't stand to be around too much baby talk or stay too long in a baby aisle. I just really, really want a baby.

My Dad's chemo has derailed the aim for a July IVF but we're hoping to be able to do it before winter starts. Honestly, at this point, it feels like it will never happen. Something always happens to stop us- either it's the money or some kind of family crisis. I just want to throw my hands up and tell God whatever. I know that I can plan plan plan all I want but that it won't happen until God is ready for it to happen but it is SO hard to trust that. Especially since I struggle with my faith so much these days.

Why is it so hard for me to have faith? To stay hopeful? When will we catch a frickin' break?

and the bad streak continues

2011-05-18T03:17:00.000-05:00

Sorry for disappearing...again. It's been one thing after another around here and I am quite exhausted. May started with a frantic phone call from my Mom, telling me that my Dad was in the hospital and things weren't looking great. C and I went right away and kept my Dad company in the hospital for a week before C came back to AR for work. I stayed another week and then came back to the sanity of my own house. But, I'll be heading back soon to watch my little brother graduate high school and help my parents. It seems my Dad's colon cancer is back, there are a bunch of small tumors around his colon. He starts chemo Monday and they give us a 65% chance of success. That is a number I can work with but it's still heartbreaking. My Dad isn't handling it very well, I've mentioned before how he is brain damaged from his massive bilateral stroke in 2009, and is having trouble dealing with all the information flying at him. I loathe seeing him this vulnerable and sad, it makes me cry and cry.

My Dad is lucky to be at one of the top cancer hospitals in the country, _MD_Anderson, and I thank God every night for that. Being there with him was a lesson in humility, it made me very thankful for all the blessings in my life. It also made me realize that I am getting older and so are my parents, it used to be me watching my parents take care of my grandparents and now it's me taking care of mine. It's a harsh reality that time waits for no one and that life is so very precious.

Truthfully, I am having a hard time dealing with this myself. I am so very, very scared . Scared of seeing my Dad weak from the chemo, scared of how to help my parents get through this, scared that it's going to be overwhelmingly hard and scared that I'm going to lose my Dad.

I know somehow we will all get through this, we are a strong bunch. Most of all, I have hope and a strong desire to never give up, I get that from my parents.

Good Riddance to April

2011-04-30T08:09:00.000-05:00

I am so glad to see this month end, it was rough. We have spent the past couple of weeks getting hit by storms and hiding out from tornadoes. C and I were in *wal*mart on Tuesday when the sirens went off and they ushered us to the back of the store, it was very frightening. Once the immediate danger was over, we flew home to check on our dogs. I was so worried about them and luckily, they and our house were fine. Unfortunately, the next town over was hit and devastated by a tornado. The day before that, a small tornado touched down about 10 minutes down the road from us. Very scary stuff. I am so ready for tornado season to be over.

I am so heartbroken for the people affected in Alabama, the pictures are just horrifying. Please think about giving blood and/or donating to relief efforts. I found this link on another blog that is for donations through the AL governor's office and of course this is the Red Cross.

I think in light of all this sadness, I need to find some gratitude. This week I am grateful for:

* friends who text me when they hear sirens and/or warnings, we kept each other updated and stayed in close contact through the worst parts of the storms
* my silly dogs, Lucky doesn't mind the storms but Lila hides under our bed
* my cell phone, it was my lifeline when we lost power for 10 hours!
* scoring an awesome pair of rainboats for 75% off at old*navy and they work awesome
* plans to make a trip home for a family wedding, can't wait to see everyone!
* just weddings in general...how beautiful was the bride's dress?! I adore the British royalty
* my ever wonderful hubby, C makes me happy

but most of all? This week we surpassed our savings goal and now have everything we need for not only 1 but 2 IVFs. SQUEEEEEE!!!!!

Day 3 of the Challenge

2011-04-26T16:16:00.000-05:00

I like how consistent I am being with blogging every day for the challenge. ; )

Today's topic is my view on drugs and alcohol.

I don't mind alcohol, seeing how I love to drink and do so often, and I don't even mind weed, although I don't smoke it. But everything else? I have huge problems with and hate with a passion. I have a close family member that is a recovering drug addict, a recovering crack addict to be specific. It tore our family apart and it wasn't just their addiction, it was all of ours because we all dealt with the fallout and heartache. It was about 5 or 6 years before they really stopped and these were some of the worst years of my life. It was incredibly hard to get through and I still have a lot of anger and sadness over it.

So, because it's painful I'll sum up my views quickly: drugs are a problem and I hate them. Do I think weed is as bad as crack? No, but a drug is a drug and if you sell it or are found with it, you should be arrested. These things are illegal for a reason, but I would be ok with legalizing weed and taxing the hell out of it. I am just a walking contradiction I guess.

NIAW and 10 Years from Now

2011-04-24T19:04:00.000-05:00

It's National Infertility Awareness Week, this means I get to annoy my FB friends with statuses about raising IF awareness...yay for them! It's always interesting to see who responds and who doesn't, gives me insight to the people I have in my life. You can just really feel the camaraderie among the blogs during NIAW so I hope to blog more this week to add my part and and spread my love and support. Go here to learn more about this week.

Now, on to the blog challenge; day 2 is about where you'd like to be in 10 years. I can barely see past this Summer so imagining 10 years from now is hard for me. Let's see, in 10 years I will be 38 and I will be a mother, those two I know for sure...oh, and I'm pretty sure C will still be my hubby. I would very much like to be living in our forever home back in Texas, probably in the Houston area so we can be close to our loved ones. I hope we will have traveled to Italy, Hawaii, France and the UK by then, sometimes dragging our kid(s) along with us and sometimes leaving them to the safe care of my Mom. I imagine we will lead full lives, filled with activities with the kids, family get-togethers and plenty of stress that all that brings with it.

That's all I got, it's hard for me to imagine the future when it's still so unclear right now. I don't really like living for the future, I like to stay here in the present and deal with life as it comes. Sometimes this is good for me and sometimes it smacks me in the face. I do know that no matter what, 10 years from now, I will still carry IF with me. Not the sting and bitterness that is so prevalent now but rather the scars of that, the memory of how much it hurt and how it almost destroyed me. But with the bad comes the good and I will also carry the strength I gained and the memory of how C loved me through it all, how we got each other through it to the other side. In 10 years, this will all be worth it because our dream will have come true. We will be parents.

A Challenge

2011-04-21T04:45:00.002-05:00

There is so much running through my mind these days that it makes blogging difficult, but stumbling across the 30 Day Challenge on Kristin's lovely blog might just be the push I need. I'm joining her for this but will probably break from it time to time for Grateful Friday and other updates/random thoughts. Join us and we can get to know each other even more. [anyone know how to insert a smiley face? please walk me through it!]

So, here it goes! First up is my current relationship. Already I am smiling and feeling all lovey dovey! I married my high school sweetheart on July 15, 2006. We grew up in the same neighborhood but didn't became good friends until high school. We started "going out" in October 1999 at the very mature age of sixteen..LOL! C is my best friend, my partner in crime and the only person I want by my side if a Zombie Apocalypse breaks out. He is good with a gun AND has studied every Sylvester Stallone/Jason Statham/Jet Li movie ever made so I know he can kick ass based on that alone. ; )

We have a strong relationship and I think that is because we have always put such an emphasis on communication. I can talk his ear off, y'all. Poor guy, bless his heart! But, we're far from perfect and tend to bicker a lot. We also enjoy talking shit to each other and I know that sounds horrible but it's just teasing really, we tease each other nonstop. We don't take ourselves or our relationship too seriously so as a result, we laugh a lot. We built our relationship on a foundation of love, laughter and hope. That's the key for us...we make each other laugh, we push and challenge each other, encourage each other, hold the other up when they fall apart and thank God every night for the other.

::sigh:: He's amazing and I wouldn't trade all the sperm in the world for him.

[I just want to thank all of you so much for the sweet comments, thoughts and prayers. You guys are the best and I'm sending you all gigantic hugs and kisses.]

Grieving

2011-04-18T13:52:00.000-05:00

::Warning, this post is about suicide and may be difficult to read::

Sorry for disappearing, it has been quite the roller coaster around here lately. It turns out I was quite wrong when I posted the last blog, we had been wrongly informed about his cousin. She did indeed commit suicide but was found, given CPR and brought back. She lingered on machines for a week until they turned them off and she passed last Monday. C's family is devastated and it's been hard to deal with all the feelings her suicide has brought on. My SIL was one of the four that found her and cut her down, she's an RN and is the one who brought her back. She's traumatized and seeing her like that just breaks my heart. Makes me angry and sad. We all have so many questions and no answers. There is just this giant, gaping hole when she once was and where she no longer wanted to be.

I can't even explain how I feel really because it's so confusing. I'm grateful she's not being kept on the machines, relieved in a strange way that she's no longer so depressed and is at peace but still so angry that she was so sick in the first place. Mad that she didn't want the help offered and sad that no one saw how really bad it was until it was too damn late. I'm also amazed that the person I knew and loved could be so depressed that she would take her own life. It literally is beyond my mental grasp to understand how and why this happened.

It's been hard to watch C deal with it all, he grieves quietly and privately and angrily. He avoids talking about it when I bring it up and instead will whisper something about it in the dark in bed or the car when we're driving somewhere. Small bits and pieces here and there, just enough that I don't worry he's holding it all in and is going to burst. He grew up down the street from her, spent so much of his youth with her and she was one of the few in his family that accepted him warts and all. They haven't been as close in the last five years, as she struggled with her illness and we moved away but we loved her so much and we will always miss her.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers, they definitely were felt.

too much bad at one time

2011-04-04T13:07:00.000-05:00

I know we're only four days into this month but I'm going to go ahead and call April utter crap. C's cousin committed suicide on Saturday but was kept alive on machines until today. She was only in her early thirties, it's such a shock. She had been depressed for a long time but I never imagined this outcome. My heart is just aching for her and her parents and siblings. She was just a delight to be around and was very welcoming to me when C and I first started dating all those years ago.

Thursday is our 3 year TTCversary. Not good times around here. Can you keep us in your thoughts and prayers?

Grateful Friday

2011-03-25T14:36:00.000-05:00

This week just seemed to drag on and on for me, I'm happy that it's finally Friday. C has been working like crazy this week and I haven't really seen much of him. He's been going almost nonstop for weeks now and is exhausted, poor guy. I can't wait for him to get some much needed time off.

Anyway, this week I am grateful for:

* long conversations with good friends, nothing beats that!
* curling up in bed and watching the Investigation Discovery channel, my newest obsession
* the continued pretty Spring weather, although today is cold and gray
* discovering how much I like mushrooms, I didn't realize how tasty they were until recently!
* decorating for Easter, I love the pastels and think eggs are the cutest things...weird, I know
* my silly dogs, they just make me laugh and laugh
* good books, I got a Nook Color in January and just think it's the greatest thing ever
* my peonies are growing, yay! My poor hydrangeas aren't though : (

I am just feeling happy and peaceful lately, it's a nice feeling. I just feel like everything is going to be ok. I can't really explain why I feel like this but I'm glad I do.

I hope all of you have a great weekend!

Free Hugs

2011-03-23T13:32:00.000-05:00

people suck

2011-03-21T22:27:00.001-05:00

Nothing like being blindsided unexpectedly by people's stupidity. It's been almost three years since C and I started this journey and I thought I had heard it all before, but you know what they say about people who assume things. While I've learned to recognize the signs that a conversation is going to turn to people asking me about having children, I am still taken back when someone does. I never quite know how to respond to that and while my mind is racing with a million thoughts, that I hope my face is hiding, I somehow manage to stammer something out. Usually I just say that yes, we want children and hope people leave it at that, and sometimes they do. And sometimes they ask me when and I just tell them hopefully soon or hopefully one day or whenever the IF treatments work or wow, that is a personal question!

I am always frazzled by these questions and while my friends assure me that I handle them well, it always bums me out. Anyway, the point of this is something that was said to me when I went to a housewarming party this weekend. A really good friend of mine is pregnant and the girlfriend of another friend was grilling her about all the details. So, I knew the questions were going to swing my way and they did and I responded nicely without talking about IF. I breathed a sigh of relief and thought the worst was over....and it was, until I was saying my goodbyes.

Someone brought up a group getaway and since it was a small group of us standing there, all whom know about our struggles, I said we were interested as long as it was before IVF. Which of course caught the attention of the girlfriend and I jokingly said that yep, C and I were infertile. Which led to more questioning on her part (she's a nurse) and then came the worst comment ever. An acquaintance was standing to the side and opened his mouth to utter this to me, "That's impossible, C is too stupid to be infertile."

::crickets while Amanda successfully avoids stabbing the douche in his groin::

I was stunned and managed to roll my eyes at him and turn away. I might have said something but I can't really remember because I was reeling inside. 3 days later and I am still pissed and hurt. Too stupid, that is definitely a new one. I can take the stupid comments made to me but when someone brings C into it, it just really upsets me. It brings out the inner trailer park in me and makes me want to slash your tires, spit in your food, spread rumors about you and ruin your life. I am so mad at myself for not saying anything. Where was my inner bitch and why the hell did she fail me? I should have told him something. I probably would have if C had been there but because he wasn't and these are mainly his friends, I just didn't. Plus I was so stunned and trying to process it that I literally couldn't think.

Ugh, people suck.

Friday!

2011-03-18T16:48:00.000-05:00

woo, it's Friday! My hubby isn't working this weekend and it's absolutely gorgeous outside, I am one happy lady! It's been a nice, quiet week and it was just want I needed. I did some shopping, hung out with a friend and did some drinking in celebration of St. Patrick's Day...perfection!

This week I am grateful for:

* warm, breezy Spring weather!
* getting my hands dirty and planting peonies and hydrangea...my favorite flowers!
* pulling out my beach towels, shorts and flip flops...but not so much my bathing suits : /
* finding the perfect pink nail polish for my toes
* long FB "wars" with my brother and sister where we post embarrassing memories about each other
* getting my Easter decor down from the attic and finally putting my Christmas decor back up there!
* the tears of happiness I cried over Mommy-in-Waiting's great, wonderful news; I have so much hope for myself after her great beta. Cheers, my dear, I am over the moon for you!!

I hope the weather is beautiful for all of you this weekend!

peace

2011-03-14T23:40:00.000-05:00

Climbing back out of a dark spot is always challenging for me. I over think everything and that is just exhausting. But really, everything about my life was exhausting- carrying the IF pain and guilt, being jealous of families and pregnancies, avoiding baby stores, constantly talking about IF, all the worry I carry about my folks...it's just all too much. So, I decided I'm done. I'm done with IF. I harp on and on about not letting it define me but guess what? It did and I let it for too long. I get that I'm so much more than a barren, bitter bitch. There is more to me and C than a woman who is slightly broken and a man who was born with no sperm. I know all this but yet, it still gets me so sad. I'm only human, right? Who wouldn't be brought to their knees by IF? But at what point do we say enough is enough and move on? When the treatments fail? When we're broke financially and emotionally? When all that is left is adoption or a child-free life? (I'm not knocking either or saying that adoption is what you turn to when everything else fails) When you successfully bring home a baby? Is becoming a parent the only cure for all that is IF?

I really can't stand feeling like this. All the bitterness and sadness is doing nothing for me, it doesn't change the cold hard facts- I don't ovulate, have periods and my liver is crap and C doesn't produce sperm. No amount of tears or days spent in bed is going to change that. Even bringing home a baby isn't going to change that. This is our life and it always will be. We are who we are, we were born this way. (bwahaha, any Lady Gaga fans laughing at me?) I can't change this and I guess that is ok or at least I have to find a way to live with that being ok.

After this last dark spot, I felt a nudge to go to Church. So I did and I felt more at peace than I have in years. I sat there and spent half the time talking to God and the other half listening and I left feeling happy, peaceful and centered. I smiled at babies and laughed at the children whispering how much longer to their parents. I didn't avoid the baby section at the store. I spent a couple of hours with a friend and her two month old and happily held the baby. I just feel stronger and it's nice.

So, I'm going to try this and see how it works for me. I'm going to put IF on the shelf for now and just live my life. I'm not going to worry about saving the money for IVF or what will happen if the IVF doesn't work for us. I'm going to be happy and enjoy every precious day I have. Spring is almost here so I'm going to embrace it. I want to enjoy the warm breezes, the blue skies, grilling out, the leaves returning to trees and flowers blooming. I'm going to get my butt to Church every weekend and find that peace I so desperately need.

I'm going to live my life, in spite of IF. Carpe diem, lovelies, carpe diem.

Grateful Friday

2011-03-04T09:05:00.000-06:00

Time to remind myself that my life is much more than just IF doom and gloom. I need to get back into the habit of doing this, it always makes me feel better!

This week I am grateful for:

* beautiful Spring-like weather with skies that are multiple shades of blue
* curling up with a new book and getting lost in it
* sweet friends who love you and support you, unconditionally
* laughing with my sister, she gets me like nobody else does
* seeing cute Easter decorations in the stores, how precious are bunnies?!
* my silly dogs, my companions this week as we miss C
* scoring 2 cute pairs of shoes, on sale!
* plans with friends this weekend, the perfect balm for my aching heart

This was a hard week for me, I experienced my first earthquake late Sunday night and it terrified me, it was a 4.7. I was on the phone with C when it happened and I immediately burst into tears, it was so unsettling. It takes a lot to scare me but the earth moving definitely freaks me out. I had a hard time sleeping this week as a result, barely slept at all and almost went crazy from exhaustion. We're also entering tornado season, which also worries me. Things went wrong with my car, I fought with a bank in TX about an account long closed and missed C so damn much. He's now in West Virginia but should be home early next week.

I'm usually a much stronger person but my nerves are shot and I can feel myself slipping. I think it's truly time to get my butt to a doctor for the meds I've been refusing for over a year. I'm depressed and it's time to get help. Why is that so hard for me to admit? ::sigh:: Stupid IF.

Anyway, have a great weekend lovelies.

the past month in pictures

2011-03-02T09:57:00.003-06:00

8 inches of snow in early February (a record for us!)

hiking at our favorite place

the Falls were magical

we climbed up for a different view

I fell in love with a tree

and we watched the sunset on a perfect day

I marveled at downtown Houston

and spent many a cold day cuddled with the dogs

not so nearly wordless but you understand, hope you're having a wonderful Wednesday : )

one step forward and fifty back

2011-02-27T20:01:00.000-06:00

Sorry for disappearing, it was a much needed mental break. I escaped to Houston for a bit and while it wasn't as relaxing as I had hoped, it still felt good to be around my family. While I was there, and missing C desperately, he was sent to work in Pennsylvania. He should be home this week though and I can't wait to see him.

C and I weathered a big setback recently in regards to our IVF, one that makes me want to curl up in bed and not get out. We had to step in and loan my parents a rather large amount of money, it was actually half of what we saved for IVF. The bad economy coupled with my Dad's limited capabilities got them into a tough situation and we were the only ones able to help. So we did and I'd do it again because I love them and hate seeing them suffer.

But is it upsetting and depressing? You fucking bet. I cried bitterly and yelled and was mean to C. I hate IF with a passion that burns with a thousand suns. I hate that C's company doesn't cover IF and that our insurance company is being a giant douche about pre-existing conditions. I hate that we have to pay thousands of dollars to TRY and have a baby. I hate that my Dad had a massive bilateral stroke. I hate that the economy is so crappy. I hate that my Mom cries so much and worries for their future. I hate that my Dad is so brain damaged that he is unable to grasp the severity of their problems. Right now, life seems pretty damn mean and unfair.

So, as you can see, right now isn't a good time for me. I'm angry and bitter and depressed and just plain sad. I kept saying that it felt like our turn would never come and right now, it truly seems that way. Here we stand, missing half of what we need and scared it'll always be something that pops up to ruin our chance.

I keep telling myself that at least it's only half, it could be worse and thank the Lord C and I were able to help my parents. I am grateful for that. I also know that we can do this and we can save what we need by the end of Summer. We went from cycling in April to hopefully cycling in August, making that call again to a RE about rescheduling almost took my last shred of hope.

I do have one little shred of hope left because we want a baby so damn bad and nothing will stop us. Nothing.

It's Friday

2011-02-04T19:33:00.000-06:00

I don't have much to say, I am at a stalemate. Still fighting insurance companies and unable to make appointments for either of us. I feel so frustratingly stuck. We can never seem to move forward, we are just stuck here waiting for our chance and it sometimes feels like it will never come. So, we wait and while we wait, our desire for a baby grows beyond being a fever becomes a raging epidemic. It's there, a constant whisper that will drain me of hope if I listen for too long. It leaves me crying in bed at night after we turn off the lights and it leaves me re-hiding the long ago purchased baby clothes even deeper in the closet. It also makes me quieter and more detached from all that is baby.

The longer we are in this waiting phase, the harder it is for me to imagine a positive outcome. I can't seem to wrap my head around us actually doing IVF, getting pregnant and bringing our baby home. It just all seems so impossible, like an unattainable dream that only comes true for other people. I hate feeling like this, so hopeless and lost. It makes me into a person I don't like, moody and cranky and easily annoyed with the world. I alternate between wanting C and pushing him away. I find myself picking fights with him and rolling my eyes at everything he says.

I have a trip home planned for after Valentine's Day, I think I need to recharge my batteries and spend some time with my parents. I'm very homesick and right now the trip is open ended. Open ended because I'm going to try and see doctors and get the ball rolling, we'll see what happens. I think a change of scenery will do wonders for my attitude.

It's always darkest before the dawn, isn't it? Well, I hope this is my darkest and I hope the dawn comes sooner rather than later.

Depression

2011-01-26T21:30:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was rough and I'm talking rough in epic proportions. Our new insurance is fighting coverage due to my pre-existing conditions aka PCOS and liver disease. We have proof of prior coverage and have spent the past two days arguing with people and faxing papers. But it's not looking good for us, damn that month he didn't work. I'm trying to be hopeful because it was mandated per his new company that he be unemployed from his old company for a month before they would hire him officially. Of course, I guess we should have bought COBRA, hindsight is a bitch.

Anyway, the point is that I found an RE I really like in Houston that is highly recommended by the nesties and their prices are very nice. Nice in a way that we could cycle NEXT MONTH! I was so excited and wanted to jump in right away. Until this insurance crap popped up and now it just doesn't look possible at all. My hope that was sky high, crashed and burned big time. This coupled with another kid-less birthday was just too overwhelming and I ended up crying and crying, for a few hours at least. C was completely frazzled and wasn't sure how to handle me. So, of course, he handled it all wrong..le sigh...but in the end, he did all the right things and we made up and I stopped crying. The man bought me a cherry sundae, rubbed my back for an hour and then he bought me fries and hot wings, cause once the diet is already blown, why not?

He pointed out the obvious, I freak the f**k out when it comes to IVF. Well, that and my birthday. Both can send me in a tailspin. Today was better, it was simply too beautiful outside to be depressed and I was tired of crying. Tomorrow is my birthday, we're going to our favorite place for a hike down into the canyon to see the waterfall and the streams that are frozen over. Then we're coming home and getting dressed all fancy and having dinner in the Big City. Friday we're having dinner and drinks with friends to continue celebrating. I'm excited.

I also will be continuing our fight with the insurance company and I know what my wish will be when I blow out my candles, the same wish I've had for the past almost three years.

What I'd tell my 20 year old self

2011-01-21T12:08:00.000-06:00

I don't know if it's because my birthday is almost here or because this year will be ten years since I graduated high school or because my little brother will graduate high school this year but lately, I've been thinking about what I would tell my 20 year old self, if I had the chance. Do you ever think about that?

I'd tell myself that things are going to get much, much worse before they get better but that in the midst of all that "worse", there is enough good to make the "worse" more bearable. I'd spend more time with my grandpas, be more appreciative of my parents and stop thinking I needed to sleep so much. I'd enjoy my body more (cause y'all, I had a smokin' bod!) and get something crazy pierced.

I would tell me to challenge myself and to face my fears, to do something scary every chance I got because that is how you grow; when you conquer something you didn't think you could, when you stare in the face of scary shit and come out on the other side. I'd also tell myself to not waste time worrying about what others thought of me because it's not worth it. The only opinion that truly matters is your own and the faster you realize that, the better. Because once you realize it, you can start to live your life for yourself and you realize that you have to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else. This knowledge is so freeing and I wish I had known this when I was 20.

I'd tell myself that life is fleeting, even though at 20, you don't see that. At 20, you don't think about how quickly life will start to pass you by. You don't realize that if you don't take a chance now, you just might miss it and spend an insane amount of time regretting that. You can't see that the ENTIRE world is stretched out in front of you and that it is yours for the taking. The world is truly your oyster. Make it beautiful, make it wondrous, make it yours.

Then I'd emphasis this for my smokin' hot 20 year old self- make time for those that you love, practice what you preach and never, never stop asking Why Not?

What would you tell your 20 year old self?

How much longer until Spring?

2011-01-15T20:45:00.000-06:00

Our week started out like this:

and like this

the dogs had some fun though

C and I enjoyed it too, we went sledding for the first time ever and laughed ourselves silly. It's finally melting and now I check the forecast to see even more snow is predicted later in the week. ::sigh:: Doesn't the weather know I am eager to drink margaritas in the pool again? Doesn't help that stores have bathing suits out already! We have a family wedding to attend in deep South Texas soon and the weather is predicted to be in the 70's, I can't wait!

This week was one of those weeks and it just seemed to drag on and on, seriously longest week ever. I had drama with my family and a friend of C's was diagnosed with a (operable, thank God!) brain tumor, the only bright spot was a good friend of mine having her baby. I poured myself a nice glass or two of wine earlier and it helped immensely.

My birthday is fast approaching and I'm honestly not that excited about it. The "plan" was to have a kid by this birthday and it stings that we don't. It has me thinking a lot about my life and the direction it has taken since C and I graduated high school. Also has me amazed that I'm about to be 28, feels like I just turned 16 yesterday. Time flies, doesn't it? Wish it would fly to warmer weather and our IVF already! ha!

What a week

2011-01-07T21:24:00.001-06:00

[edited to protect the innocent...and me!]

Anyway, on to the gratitude reminder I so need this week. This week I am grateful for:

* putting away all the Christmas decor and having normal return to our house
* checking off things from our house to do list
* texting with my 12 year old nephew, he's so funny and I adore him
* making dinner more often this week than we dined out (one of our resolutions!)
* making plans to hang out with good friends this weekend
* spending cold days on the couch with C, doing nothing
* a chance of snow this weekend!!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and stay warm! Just think, only a couple more months until it starts to warm up again, I can't wait!!

A Shiny New Year

2011-01-03T02:06:00.000-06:00

I get all giddy and excited when I look at the blank 2011 calendar, it just holds so much promise. I'm looking forward to seeing how we fill all those blank squares! We have some trips planned, some plans for house stuff and of course, we are eagerly anticipating starting our IVF journey. We keep talking about it and the more we talk about it, the faster we want everything to fall into place!

I'm happy to be feeling so optimistic, rather than be filled with all that fear I was feeling. Don't get me wrong, the fear is still there, but it's being overshadowed by everything else and I'm so thankful for that. It feels good to be excited about something. I find myself talking about it a lot to a good friend of mine, she's so wonderfully supportive and sweet about it all. She's facing some TTC issues of her own, so sadly, she can relate.

I read through my blog posts from this past year and they really surprised me. I was so relieved to be on a break but still reeling from it all. As nice as it was to not be dealing with IF appointments, I was still dealing with IF. My ache for a baby was always present and it often made it hard to fight the sadness. When we were in the thick of it all in 2009, fighting the sadness and depression often left me exhausted and feeling like I had nothing left in me to also take on treatments. C and I were at our wit's end, we desperately needed a break but couldn't see that until we were forced to call it all off. It was a blessing in disguise.

2010 gave us a chance to breathe, to rebuild ourselves and make our marriage stronger. We cried but we laughed more, we grieved our fertility but we celebrated the miracle of four little sperm and, most importantly, we realized we could once again find the light out of all the darkness. We can take on anything and come out on the other side because we'll never stop fighting for what we want.

We're stronger than IF and because of that, our hope endures.

Putting the Pressure on 2011

2010-12-28T13:33:00.000-06:00

Luckily, this Christmas came and went without me wanting to stab anyone, I call that a success. However, I did come down with the flu Christmas Eve night and have been miserable ever since. My fever is gone but I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I am definitely getting a flu shot next year! And, if you're keeping count, this makes the third time in two months that I've been sick. The nasty stomach bug at Thanksgiving must have kicked off a party in my immune system...thanks. I'm taking vitamins like you wouldn't believe.

With 2011 staring me down, I can no longer deny the inevitable truth; we are going to cycle in a mere few months. Our break is almost over and I can't hide behind 2010 anymore. I was literally in shock the other night as I realized how fast 2010 flew by for us. Our water hose is still in the backyard, waiting to be put away with the other Summer stuff and I never got around to making C cover our water faucets outside..oops. I still catch myself staring longingly at our uber redneck plastic kiddie pool, which is still outside too, and wanting to climb inside with a huge margarita, like I did all Summer. Where did the year go?

I've mentioned how scared I am to jump back on the IF roller coaster, and I am, it scares the hell out of me thinking about the doctors and the needles and the overwhelming information and the money and the fact that it might not work. I can't imagine how we'll pick ourselves back up if it doesn't work. But, I'm starting to get excited too. I want to cycle, I want to try for our baby and cycling is a way to achieve that. I want a baby more than I'm afraid of IVF. So, 2011, bring it. We're ready to jump head first into it all again.

Since C is barely five months into his new job, he can't take any time off until around February. So, we're going to be setting up consultations with Dr. L (our MFI guru) and finding me a new RE, again, This will be my third RE but I want the best and won't settle anymore. So, looks like more trips to Houston are on the agenda as we prepare to cycle. We hope to cycle this coming Summer and oh man, I so pray and hope it works. If not, we're also going to start looking at adoption agencies starting in January, just so we know who is out there and who we like.

We want our baby and 2011, you better deliver.

Making myself be grateful

2010-12-17T06:02:00.000-06:00

Life has been kicking my butt lately and my hormones are crazy so I cry easily, get moody fast and yell at the poor GeekSquad guy about the virus on my computer (thanks FB for not monitoring your dang ads!) and then smile sweetly at C and ask for a kiss. Oh and I also got all super snarky with friends this week but am proud to report, I (mostly) kept it off FB, woohoo! My one total FAIL was me posting a nasty comment on my Mom's page being all passive aggressive toward a friend of our family, cause I'm super klassy y'all.

This week I am grateful for:

* vaporizers....seriously, where have you been all my life?! I can breathe when I sleep now!
* relaxing on the couch and watching Love Actually and Little Women...ahh, such good movies!
* opening my mailbox and seeing Christmas cards in there
* C making dinner last night
* C handling my hormones very well and making me laugh and for giving me a back rub
* Christmas music, it just makes my heart happy
* fun weekend plans that include a movie date night with our BFFs, live music and beer tomorrow night with some funny friends and a Christmas party with our BFFs on Sunday
* seeing good news on my blog roll thingy: a huge congrats to the Chois-R-Us and to Busted Plumbing I had happy tears seeing pictures of their new additions!

Have a great weekend, I hope you have lots of good stuff planned. Also, go over and give some love to Michelle at No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat because I just want to kick IF's ass on her behalf.

when dreams hurt

2010-12-12T19:32:00.000-06:00

This cold really wiped me out so I've been doing a lot of sleeping lately and with sleeping, came the dreams. Dreams that were amazing but that cause so much pain after I wake up. I dreamed of our son one night, so tiny and cute, full of little baby grunts and squeaks. In my dream, I was in awe that someone so wonderful was mine and I just held him and couldn't stop kissing him. C and I were over the moon happy and even talked about giving him his first bath together. The next day, all I could think about was that dream baby. How precious a son would be and how much I want our baby. My arms were aching to hold that dream baby again.

No wonder I then had a dream about our dream daughter. A sweet little girl all wrapped up in pink and with a closet full of the cutest clothes imaginable. She was full of smiles and cute little yawns and again, all I could do was hold her and tell her how much C and I had longed for her. My heart was overflowing in my dream, I was such a happy mommy.

Waking up was torture and again, all I can think about is our baby. My heart is aching right now for him or her, I wonder when we'll meet and how he or she will look, the books I'll read and the tiny clothes I'll wash and fold. I wonder about amazing baby snuggles, sweet baby laughs and little kicking feet covered in itty bitty socks. It brings tears to my eyes and I realize just how empty our lives are. The holidays never fail to shine a spotlight on what is missing. It's a different kind of pain than normal, it's a quiet one that whispers constantly about what we lack. In some ways, it's worse than the loud in your face screaming pain that I feel when we are in the middle of doctor appointments and surgeries.

These baby dreams don't occur often and I'm grateful for that because I couldn't keep my sanity if they did. They just seem to pop up at the worst times and break my heart into pieces. As scared as I am to cycle, I also can't wait. I pray about it every night and I pray for our child, that he or she will always know just how much C and I wanted, longed and ached for them. I pray they always know how much we love them because we already do and always will. We love a baby that doesn't exist yet, kinda crazy but totally true.

I still hate her

2010-12-09T17:24:00.000-06:00

My visit with Dr. Insensitive went almost exactly like I thought it would, aside from a couple of surprises that weren't exactly pleasant. We spent about 15 minutes talking about how long I've been on AF, how heavy and light it gets and about our IF history. Apparently she didn't read my chart because she was clueless about me and our diagnoses. I told her we were headed to IVF and had canceled a cycle this past Summer due to financial issues. She then tells me she's prescribing me Prom.etrium and that I might get pregnant on it.

I wanted to hop off the exam table and punch her but was afraid I would trip thanks to the damn stirrups. Instead I laughed at her and told her how very unlikely that was seeing how SHE was the one who first told us about C's zero SA. She didn't even have the decency to look sorry and just breezed over my comment to tell me she was also prescribing me metformin, but only 1000mg because she doesn't agree that 2000mg is ideal for insulin resistant PCOS.

She then performed an examination and acted surprised that I was still bleeding, despite our conversation about that not even 5 minutes before. I was so embarrassed and just wanted to melt into the table and disappear. She didn't order any bloodwork or answer my questions about the cause of my 4 month long AF. She acted like it was a normal visit and did my pap and sent me off.

It's official that she is the worst doctor, ever. I'm taking my Prom.etrium and making an appointment with my RE, just not sure which one. I'm also really never setting foot back in Dr. Insensitive's office...unless it's to kick her ass.

I've also come down with a horrible head cold, such is my luck.

Nothing is ever easy

2010-12-07T17:24:00.001-06:00

I've been on AF for about four months now, it goes from super light spotting to super raging angry heaviness every few weeks. It's driving me crazy and scaring me. So, I called my Arkansas RE but he's out of town and nobody else in the practice can see me for a couple of weeks so they suggested I call Dr. Insensitive, the horribly rude gyno that first diagnosed C with azoospermia. The one I swore I would never see again and who I have an appointment with tomorrow afternoon, our first meeting since she wished me good luck after my HSG.

I'm dreading it because I hate her with a passion but I'm also really scared of what is going on. Scared because what if it's bad news and scared because I have no faith in her ability to help me. It's times like this I especially hate having my RE eight hours away in Houston. Whom I trust because he's a doctor at one of the most respected hospitals around and because he's nice and has never told me to basically give up on my baby dreams like Dr. Insensitive did.

To make it worse, I can tell C is worried too and that makes me sad. I hate to worry him and I hate that my body sucks so bad. We've spent so much time and focus on his azoo that my PCOS and amenorrhoea took a backseat, which I now realize wasn't smart of me. Oh man, this is the last thing I want to be dealing with right now. I hate my body.

Can you spare any thoughts and prayers that everything goes smoothly tomorrow?

the Plague

2010-11-28T20:30:00.000-06:00

The evening after Thanksgiving, once I had waved my family off, I came down with the plague. It was horrible and I've spent the past couple of days in total misery and losing 5 lbs. Now that I'm not puking every hour, I feel really run down and completely exhausted. Not to mention that my stomach feels like I've done about 500 crunches so I'm being especially pathetic and just laying around. It's nice to be a total bum :)

Although, judging from FB, I am SO behind in my Christmas decorating and feel appropriately ashamed. I mean, my Fall wreath is still on my front door! ::gasp:: However, I did shuffle around the house earlier and gather my Fall decor in one place to be packed away soon. I managed to talk myself out of climbing into the attic to grab what Christmas decor I could because I don't want to over-do it. Instead, I'm all cozy in bed watching Ghost.Adventures and waiting on laundry to dry.

Laundry because I have to pack our stuff since we're heading home tomorrow to visit C's family from California. His big brother, the one with three kids under four conceived quickly and easily. The brother who offered to be our sperm donor and then suddenly went quiet. We haven't seen them in over a year and a half, not since we learned of C's azoo. I'm dreading this visit for all these reasons but also because our nephews and niece look like they could be C's children. I'm afraid of watching C with these kids, I know it's going to hurt. Just like it hurts C to watch me with my niece who could be my mini-me.

::sigh:: It's going to be a long week.

Happy Turkey Day!

2010-11-24T07:30:00.000-06:00

Later today, my house will begin to fill with the loud laughter and chaos that is my family.The smell of delicious food will begin to waft through the rooms, causing my cute dogs to park themselves in the kitchen in hopes of a treat being tossed their way. Then tomorrow, some very loved friends will join us for loads of food, wine and thankfulness. We'll snuggle in on the couch with coffee and argue over the Longhorns vs Aggies game while planning our Black Friday assault. I may even convince C and my brother to hang up our Christmas lights outside and to drag our tree down from the attic.

There will probably be more then a few moments that make me pause and desperately wish for our child and I'll get sad as I realize those moments are only going to increase in frequency as we rapidly approach Christmas. But, I'll also take comfort in knowing that our chance to cycle is that much closer. We are that much closer to (hopefully) having our child in our arms and so I'll say a little prayer for our child and be very thankful for C and the wonderful doctors that are going to help us.

Happy Thanksgiving, I hope it's full of yummy food and a win for the Longhorns!!

IF is creeping back in

2010-11-15T21:46:00.000-06:00

The closer we get to the end of the year, the more IF is creeping back into our lives: it's in our conversations as we plan our 2011, as we make doctor appointments, as we read the adoption books, coming across the pregnancy tests I bought a week before the azoo dx, coming across the large manila folder in our office closet with all our IF information and of course, with all the Christmas excitement.

I adore Christmas. I decorate the house inside and out, listen to Christmas music almost nonstop, happily send out loads of cards, shop & bake like crazy and revel in all the magic of the season. Throw in parties with friends, ice skating and ohhing and ahhing over light displays and you have my very packed December. But I love it, always have. But the past couple of years have really brought out my inner Scrooge. Bah humbug at it's finest with me crying a lot, being a total snarky bitch at family gatherings and me wondering if I'll ever share the Christmas magic with our child.

I manage to get through it by, um, drinking when I can and escaping back to AR the first minute we can because we always go home for Christmas. My Dad's health is too fragile for me to miss a Christmas with him. Last year C really pushed for us to go away this year but in the end, we just can't out of fear for my Dad's health. This year will be even more challenging because C won't be able to make the trip to TX due to work. I'll be on my own and that makes me sad, we haven't spent a Christmas apart since we were teenagers.

This all makes me hate the shadow IF has cast over our lives so much more. I feel so robbed of a normal life and it's hard to not be a bitter bitch. I was feeling so burnt out after we canceled our cycle in June, I was ready to just live it all behind and go get lost somewhere for a while. C and I were fighting a lot and it was just all too much. Once we got back on track, we had the best Summer ever. I know I've mentioned this before but it was amazing and full of happiness. I was sad to see it leave but Fall has been wonderful in it's own way too. I am just terrified of going back to that dark place again, I am terrified of cycling but I am also ready to get it all started. Does that make any sense? I guess I'm scared but I want our child more than I'm scared. Again, am I making any sense? lol

My fear of dealing with IF makes me hesitant to blog or be a part of the IF message board I usually frequent, which sucks and I'm sorry. I am really going to make more of an effort so be prepared to put up with me again!

Percocet is my homie

2010-11-09T19:20:00.000-06:00

Wisdom teeth are a bitch, especially impacted ones. I've spent the past few days in a percocet daze and I'm totally fine with that. Although the weekend is really hazy and I might have sent out random texts to people and left inappropriate FB comments. I also might have woken C up in a panic the other night because the green light on our smoke alarm was trying to attack me. Again, I might have done these things.

I guess I might have been popping those bad boys like you wouldn't believe and once the drugged mist settled over me, I loved everyone and everything. I had some whacked out dreams involving all kinds of crazy but they were so vivid that I woke up confused as hell. Luckily, I haven't had any pain pills in two days and am finally starting to come out of the percocet haze.My mouth is still tender and it's hard to eat things that aren't soft and small. Also, I'm totally rocking chipmunk cheeks. I think I look like a bulldog, but no one agrees with me...thankfully!

I promise to pull my head out of my arse soon, probably by Friday so I can post an angst filled update about the baby shower I'm giving Thursday evening. Also so I can cry about the Christmas commercials that make my ute hurt and how I wish we were spending Christmas very drunk on a tropical beach somewhere.

Random Updates

2010-11-03T21:19:00.000-05:00

Random #1: Wow, November already! How did that happen? I swear it was barely July yesterday and I was still drinking lots of margaritas in the pool. It's like I blinked and it's already the end of the year. On one hand, I'm really happy because it means we're that much closer to us cycling but on the other hand, I'm really scared because it means we're that much closer to cycling. It's such a mix of emotions and I'm happy to not think too much about it all. It's better for my sanity that way!

Random #2: We've been super busy around here. C is really busy at work and I'm spending a good amount of time with friends and house stuff. Halloween weekend was fabulous, complete with a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and some margaritas. C had to work but I handed out candy to some very adorable kids and *almost* stole a barely walking Frankenstein from his parents, if only they weren't my neighbors..lol!

Random #3: We're installing laminate flooring this week, after scoring a great deal, and I'm getting my impacted wisdom teeth removed tomorrow, yay. I've bought a ton of magazines and have some good movies to watch while I recover. I can't wait to milk it for all I can while C is taking care of me..bwahahaha!!

Random #4: I'm hosting a baby shower next week, pray I don't stab someone by the end of it. I also have a couple of kid birthday parties and some girls nights out planned so it'll be a nice mix of fun and alcohol to get me through it all.

Random #5: 16 more days until the next Harry Potter movie comes out, I am out-of-my-freaking-mind excited and have already bought my midnight showing tickets. SQUEE!!!!

Random #6: Working on some good blog posts so I'll be back soon with an angst filled post about IF doom and gloom. These Christmas commercials with cute kids are KILLING me.

Have a great Thursday and say a prayer for my poor mouth and the pain I'm sure to inflict on C as he is forced to baby me.

Stay Busy

2010-10-22T07:29:00.001-05:00

I was feeling down the past couple of days. I finally got confirmation from our new insurance that we don't have coverage for any ART procedures, only diagnostics and corrective surgery. The guy did tell me if our doctor would code the meds right, they could be covered...isn't that funny?! I had been so hopeful because the wording in our insurance packet made it sound like IVF was covered so it was such a letdown. I went to Pan.era and blew my diet by stuffing my face with carbs. I had lost a total of five pounds but gained back two thanks to our Halloween party and my carb-fest. le sigh

To distract myself from my IF sadness, I've been keeping busy with busy work. Making lists of things needed for Thanksgiving, gift ideas for Christmas and researching them online, hunting for new flatware and dishware, new bedding for our master, finding projects I want C to tackle and scheduling doctor appointments now that our new insurance is kicking in. I'm having my wisdom teeth removed November 4th, ouch! I'm also going on a girls trip soon to Dallas, excited about that! Keeping busy so I don't obsess over IF, it's working but it's not, know what I mean?

Anyway, on to my grateful list! This week I'm grateful for:

* a successful Halloween party with a minimal hangover
* video chatting with my family
* Pumpkin muffins...OMG, so good!
* waking up to a thunderstorm after a month of no rain
* getting tons of compliments on my Halloween decor, was dubbed the Queen of Halloween!
* sitting around our chiminea with good friends
* finding little love notes C left for me buried under a pile of crap on my desk
* opening my mailbox to find it stuffed with magazines and not bills
* the support I get from all my online buddies
* my amazing, wonderful, loving, supportive, gorgeous C

Do you know that today is? Today is 11 years since C asked me to be his girlfriend, we were 16 and took every opportunity to make out and dream of our future together. It's both better and worse than we ever imagined but we're also stronger than we ever imagined and love each other more than we ever dreamed possible. I'm so lucky to have him.

Purple for Spirit Day

2010-10-20T08:32:00.000-05:00

I'm wearing purple today to show my support for Spirit Day because there is no need for anti-gay bullying in today's world. The world is hard enough without going around and being a total d*ck to people simply because of their sexual orientation. Let them live their life and you live yours and we'll all be much happier!

Also, I'm showing my support for October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month. My sister is a survivor of domestic violence, she was in a bad relationship for a couple of years and just this past Spring found the strength to end it. Now she's a single mom, trying to put her life back together and I admire her immensely. Go here to learn more: www.ncadv.org

Let's just all love each other, wouldn't that be amazing?

Feeling Better

2010-10-14T16:43:00.000-05:00

Just like that, I snapped out of my funk and stopped snarling at people. I had lunch with my free-thinking hippie friend and used her for therapy, she can always help me see things in a new light. It was a beautiful Fall day, breezy and sunny, so we sat outside and watched the leaves swirling around and we laughed and talked about silly stuff and deep stuff and I left feeling recharged. It was just want I needed. I mean, I'm still sad about my two besties moving away but I have other friends here and my besties are only a plane ride away so I'm thinking I'll survive.

It also helps that I'm keeping busy, I decided to do my Fall deep cleaning this week because I was bored but also because we're having our annual Halloween party this weekend. It's 50's, 60's and 70's themed and I can't wait to see everyone's costumes! I'm going to be a go-go dancer and just love my costume!

So, in honor of my happy mood, I'm doing my grateful list that I've neglected lately and it's a day early but tomorrow will be busy with baking and last minute party errands. This week I'm grateful for:

* pumpkin flavored anything, pumpkin tastes like Fall and family to me :)
* Fall tv, I'm loving Sister Wives, The Big Bang Theory, Ghost Adventures, Real Housewives of Atlanta and of course, Glee!
* breezy Fall days that never warm up above 79
* chilly Fall nights with big bright stars
* sales at my favorite stores, oh how I love Hobby.Lobby, Pier.1 and Kirk.lands
* our new dishwasher! Ours broke last October and I just drug my heels about replacing it until recently, I will never again go so long without either!
* my family, who are all coming for Thanksgiving, usually my big brother and his family don't come so I'm super excited they are this year!
* my super sweet dogs for their endless entertainment
* C, who will be home tomorrow!!

I hope you all have a great weekend filled with all that is good about Fall!

Just can't fight this bitter feeling

2010-10-12T05:33:00.000-05:00

I've been picking fights on FB lately, mainly with family members that I have deemed too stupid to exist. My bullshit tolerance is gone and my filter decided to go with it. So, I've hurt some feelings by voicing what everyone in my family is thinking but not saying. Yep, I'm one of "those" people fighting on FB, real mature huh? It's funny but I don't even feel bad about it. It kinda makes me laugh even. It's like I've opened my floodgates and all the bitchiness inside has just come pouring out.

I know I'm being very passive aggressive and it's only a matter of time before someone calls me out on it. I'm turning into a bitter old hag and I hate it. I'm just so angry lately because of the shadow IF casts over us. I'm mad that C has no sperm, I'm mad that he has to endure painful biopsies, I'm mad that IVF isn't more affordable, I'm mad that my stupid body isn't working properly lately and I'm so very sad that any of this takes up space in our life. I'm sad that we've been trying for a baby for 2 & 1/2 years and that April will be here before we know it and with it, our three year "anniversary" of TTC. It all just piles up inside me and erupts in a tidal wave of hurtful words and snarky comments.

Last week was particularly hard for me, all in one day I found out C has no clue when he'll be back from North Dakota, I'm allergic to the ink used in tattoos and that my two BFFs are moving out of state- one is moving to PA and the other to NY. I was miserable but I refrained from yelling at anybody on FB so that feels like progress to me. I just cried some and thought some mean thoughts and was grumpy with poor C but I managed to not be a total bitch. I'm feeling much better this week and I'm being nice again...lol

I know I can't let IF do this to me but sometimes it's just so damn hard to stay above it. This break we're on is starting to wear on me and my baby fever is through the roof right now. I was on such a high from having a fantastic July, August and September and had such high hopes for October since it's my favorite month, but wow, it's been rough. If I'm this way now, how the hell will I feel when we actually cycle? I'm scared to death of being so negative going into our IVF next year. I'm scared of turning into this angry person, permanently.

IF, you are such a rotten bitch, stop trying to turn me into one too.

I'm starving

2010-10-06T15:59:00.001-05:00

I've decided to start a diet and lose weight, get more healthy and active and have more energy. I know that it's best for me and for our chances of a successful IVF. I know that my insulin resistant PCOS is a challenge and changes to my diet could greatly help it. blah, blah, blah....I'm frickin' hungry!!

I am a carb lover- pasta, white bread, chips, cookies, rice, tortillas, oh and let's not forget my love of junky fast food or Dr Pepper. But, I would really like to lose weight and in order to do so, I really have to eat better. I'm determined! I haven't had fast food in almost a week and allow myself one Dr Pepper a day, but sometimes I cheat and have two. I'm limiting my carbs, eating more protein and taking walks around the neighborhood with my cute dogs. I bought 30 Day Shred, we shall see how much I hate that woman tomorrow once I start it. I've been living better for almost 2 weeks now and have lost 3 pounds! woohoo, it's a start!

But I am SO hungry, I would really like to sink my teeth into a cheeseburger or a pizza or a big bowl of pasta because for some reason, salads and carrots and celery and other various healthy stuff just isn't the same. ::sigh:: So far my willpower is stronger than my desire but the true test will be once C is back. He loves him some carbs too.

Yeah, forgot to mention that C is currently working out of town or actually out of state, he's in North Dakota. His boss gave him a day's warning that he would be flying out for an undetermined amount of time, I was not a happy camper last weekend when he left. I miss him and he is freezing his little Texas born and bred butt off. Hopefully he'll be home soon.

Now I'm off for a lovely walk with the pups and to make myself a healthy dinner. Please, eat something very yummy for me!

The Winner!

2010-10-02T08:46:00.000-05:00

According to random.org, the lucky commenter was #4 and that happens to be Mommy-in-Waiting! A huge congrats to you! Please email me at hopeisoursblog@gmail.com with all your information.

(and my computer is being crazy and I was up super late so instead of fixing it, I just took a picture..lol)

blogoversary & a giveaway!

2010-09-27T19:10:00.000-05:00

Two years ago, I started my blog with this post and reading that again now is bittersweet. I thought our biggest problem was PCOS and my liver. I said that I was hopeful because I couldn't contemplate anything beyond what we were dealing with, I just couldn't fathom there might be something bigger than PCOS. Being in my shoes now, post azoo diagnosis and post all the hell of last year, I am such a different person but I am still hopeful. I now know more then I ever dreamed of knowing about sperm and biopsies and IVF and chromosomal defects and heartache and tears and pain. But I think we will conquer this and I still buy cute baby onesies to be used in the future. I still cling to hope despite it all.

So, in honor of this 2nd blogoversary, I am having a giveaway! To thank all of you for your support and kind words because I can't explain enough just how incredible all of you are! I am giving away a little piece of hope and a cute coffee mug with a quote from the ever awesome Alice in Wonderland.

To enter, you must be a follower of my kickass blog and leave one comment by October 2nd, when I will close the contest and announce a winner. I will use the lovely assistance of random.org to choose said winner. Good luck, everyone!!

Acceptance Speech

2010-09-22T13:29:00.004-05:00

I have to thank the ever so sweet Suzanne for nominating me for this award, flattery will get you everywhere with me, my dear! Thank you so much!

Here are seven things about me that you may not know:

* I'll try anything once, which has led me to go down a ten stories tall water slide, eat some gross food, skinny dip with a bunch of girls and much more but it has also led to some really awesome adventures

* in high school, I worked for our local government and seeing how corrupt small town Mayors and Council members are made me change my intended major from political science to history

* my first kiss was from a boy named Jeffrey, we were 8 but my first "real" kiss was from a boy named Oliver, we were 13

* I love to read and own over 270 books, I can't seem to stop buying them!

* I love to correct tour guides at historical sites and get even happier if it pisses them off

* I can drink tequila like it's nothing but vodka makes me say/do crazy things before puking (a lot) and passing out

* I had a quinceanera and it was one of the best nights of my life!

I now nominate these fabulous ladies:

Brandy at Conception Deception

Foxy at Someday

Mrs. Hoppy at Our Journey

Michelle at No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat

I also want to thank the awesome Kristin for another award! I love that I have fooled you people into thinking I am worthy! bwahahaha, you are my minions! Go check out her awesome blog, she's honest and real. Her post about nursery wannabes touched my heart and rang so true to me.

It asks me to sum up my blogging philosophy, motivation and experience using 5 words:

infertility sucks, hopeful, honest & amazing <----this refers to my experience blogging, all of you are incredible and simply rock with all your support and words! aww, group hug!!

I'm a total badass

2010-09-20T10:11:00.000-05:00

My Friday night started out innocently enough- dinner at a local Greek restaurant followed by a movie with C and another couple. (they're also from TX so, naturally, they rock!) Halfway to the theater, which is in the big city aka Little Rock, we get a call from another couple we're friends with. The wife was tipsy and getting a tattoo, which is totally out of character for her so we HAD to ditch our movie plans and immediately go to the tattoo parlor. Where I also got a tattoo! I'm still in shock that I actually went through with it. So is C. But I also feel like a total badass now and I think C likes it too.

I got "Why Not?" on my left arm, above the crook of my elbow. Pretty random, no? Don't worry, it has a lot of meaning to me, let me explain. Anyone read this post about my Dad? He almost died in October 2008, it was an extremely tough time for me and my family. Followed by months of doctors and therapy for my Dad to help minimize the brain damage. Anyway, when he was young, he had a truck that was called his "why not" truck. Why? Because he painted that on the side of it. When asked why he did that, he always responds, "Why not?" So, in my family, why not has taken on this larger than life meaning. It personifies my Dad's personality to a T. He's completely random, funny and lives life by his own rules. One night, in the hospital, my sister and I were discussing his funeral arrangements and started laughing about why not. We decided to get it tattooed on us one day, in his honor. My Dad is alive and it's a true miracle.but the desire for this tattoo has endured.

Now, the reason I got it where I got it. My left arm is the arm I always get blood taken from me for anything IF related. The vein is awesome; easy to see and they can always get it on the first try and when they are taking vial after vial, you know how important that is! I got it there to remind myself that C and I are not crazy for pursuing IF treatments with such odds stacked against us. There are so many "whys" used against us- why don't we just adopt? why spend so much money on something that might not work? why are we so sad? why can't we be around babies and baby stores? why us? why azoo? why? why? why?

Well,

People make me stabby

2010-09-17T07:59:00.000-05:00

Taking a break from my usual grateful Friday posting to vent a little because I need it. Badly. Like, very badly. It seems I am surrounded by stupid people these days and it's enough to make me feel all stabby. As in, the next idiot that feels the need to express their tiny brain just might find themselves ambushed by this IF'er, wielding a scary looking knife or pen or tweezers or even a stick, whatever is close and sharp.

~~Victim~~ Idiot #1 is the distant cousin who felt the need to tell me on FB that it was time for me to have my own babies. The FB on which I am very open about our IF struggles. With whose daughters I have talked with about our IF. Someone hand me something sharp.

~~Victim~~ Idiot #2 is the friend of a relative who felt the need to lecture me about my age and how it's time for me to get startin' on those babies. What am I waiting for? Don't I know how old I am? She's perfectly happy with her children and can't see why people don't just have one after another.Which, normally, I would excuse this kind of sneaky ambush by a fertile but I know for a fact my relative has talked about my IF with this moron. She just chooses not to acknowledge it. Hand me something sharper.

~~Victim~~ Idiot #3 is actually a very close friend of C's, who is very happy to have two little girls and spends an insane amount of time telling who ever will listen that having children is the.best.thing.EVER. He gushes non-stop about his two and is constantly talking about how happy they make him, how awesome it is to be called daddy and that everyone should have a child. Hand me something very sharp.

~~Victim~~ Idiot #4 is one of my BFFs, the one who is pregnant with her oops that depressed the hell out of her until she found out the sex. I've spent a good amount of time crying into this girl's shoulder and she is usually pretty cool about not being hurtful. Until last week, when she invited me to spend the ENTIRE day going to baby stores and finding cute pink clothes and cute pink nursery items and cute pink anythings. Despite me telling her that baby stores are a special kind of torture for me, one that makes me want to grab a baby and run. Or curl up in a dark room, listening to depressing music...with about 10 bottles of wine and a huge bucket of fried chicken. Hand me the still warm sharp thing from the idiot above.

I usually don't get this much stupid in such a close range of time but there must be some kind of "kick Amanda" memo going around right now. I guess I did something to piss off the universe! I think I'm handling it pretty well, I've only gone through two bottles of wine and watched the entire first season of Glee once. Oh and I *might* have ate an unhealthy amount of fried chicken, strawberry ice cream and sugar cookies. What weight gain? Clearly calories don't count after an IF induced binge. It's like a rule or something. So, I'll be spending today recycling, donating canned goods to a local shelter, smiling at people and performing random acts of kindness...anything to get the universe back on my side again. Cross your fingers it works or else you might hear about me on the news- AR woman goes on crazed rampage fueled by copious amounts of trans fats, many ferts mauled!

Friday Fun

2010-09-11T01:04:00.000-05:00

We loaded up the dogs and a ~~ton~~ few of my necessities and headed down to Houston for a few days. C has work stuff down in South TX so he's dropping me off here to chill with our families in the mean time. Other then being hellishly hot and humid, I am loving the time with my nephews and nieces! But, I will be happy to return to our Fallish weather back home!

This week I am very grateful for:

* great customer service, target.com lost half my order and promptly sent a replacement, overnight!
* rainy days and nights, which make for great cuddle time
* a Labor Day spent with good friends, pizza and pumpkin beer
* tackling our mile-long house to do list and crossing things off!
* reconnecting with old friends
* setting out some Fall decor!!
* starting to plan our annual Halloween party
* finding parts of my costume on ebay for prices I love :)
* long, gossipy text messages with a funny friend
* time with my family
* C for being so sweet and patient with my ever swinging moods!

I'm off to have a lovely weekend with people I love and laugh hysterically with. There will be many jokes with my brothers, gossiping with my sister and sister-in-law, good food made by my Mom and MIL, some beer, some time by the ocean and lots and lots of hugs and kisses and playtime with my beloved nephews and nieces. Hope your weekend is fabulous!

My Weekend in Pictures

2010-09-08T14:19:00.000-05:00

on the Arkansas River

My Dad says it's good luck to put your feet in every river you come across

mineral water leaking from the mountain turned the rock orange

a view from my favorite mountain

rain clouds coming in

I stare at pregnant women

2010-09-02T15:12:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm a total creepass and stare at pregnant bellies. I can't even be that discreet about it, they probably think I'm checking them out or plotting to kidnap their baby. I just can't help it and sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it. I see a baby bump and my mind just zeroes in on it, I just start wondering all kinds of things. Is it a boy or girl? When she is due? Is it her first? How does her nursery look? Does the baby kick a lot?

Now, let me translate that into IF. Will I ever have a boy or a girl? Will I ever anticipate the due date of our first? When will I decorate a nursery? Will I ever feel a baby inside me? When oh when will it be our turn? I just can't stop thinking about pregnancy and if I will ever be lucky enough to see a positive pregnancy test, show off ultrasound pictures and marvel at the heartbeat. Will C ever get to talk to my belly and feel a kick? Will I ever be coached through labor by C? Will I ever see that goofy look on his face as he wonders at our creation?

These thoughts race through my mind and cause me to stare in awe at pregnant women. It's amazing and I hope they realize that. They are doing what I haven't been able to and might not ever be able to. They have visible proof of a miracle sticking out through their shirt. All I have is my depressed induced weight gain that PCOS makes so hard to lose. I so badly want what they have and it makes me sad and depressed and jealous and impatient. And since I can't have that yet, I stare at pregnant women.

Grateful List

2010-08-29T00:16:00.000-05:00

only a couple days late!

This week I am grateful for:

* finding great prices on new curtains and a new comforter for our room
* spending the day in Little Rock with C, doing touristy stuff
* game night with good friends
* making plans to go camping in a few weeks with our BFFs
* the cold front that cooled us down
* seeing even more Halloween/Fall decor in the stores!
* C really loving his new job
* hitting the town for drinks and a drag show with some really fun ladies
* new adventures and endless possibilities
* new blog followers!
* ICLW!

This week I was happy and content and that is all I can ask for. I can feel the change in the air and it makes me happy. It reminds me that so many things are temporary and that what sucks today, might not suck tomorrow. It gives me hope and I like that.

the guilt

2010-08-24T19:12:00.000-05:00

I've written before about the grief that accompanies IF and how it surprised me. I hadn't expected that and I have come to realize you just live with it because sometimes times doesn't heal all wounds and sometimes, that is ok. I can carry this grief now because I've made a relative peace with it. We're infertile but we are also so much more and that makes it easier for me to live with it. So, the grief no longer surprises me but the guilt does. The gut wrenching, soul crushing guilt and it doesn't even have to make much sense for me to feel guilt over something. For example, I feel guilty for that first ever SA and for waiting so long to get my PCOS issues checked on. I feel guilty when C mentions his biopsies, when another medical bill arrives and when I see the longing on his face for a baby. I even feel guilty for talking about my baby fever or my sadness.

So, the grief has moved over and made room for the guilt and I'm having a hard time finding a way to live with it. We've been talking more about the guilt and we try to reassure each other as much as we can but it's still so hard. We feel guilty for our shared IF and blame ourselves. But, I think most of all, I feel guilty over his pain because I can't fix it.

I wish I had a direct line to C's brain or a crystal ball that could show me all the feelings he covers up. I also wish I could find the right things to say to him about it all. I am at a loss for the perfect comforting words he needs to hear and I hate that. I can't fix this hurt for him and it kills me. And what kills me even more is I know he feels the exact same way towards me. He loathes his IF and blames himself for my sadness over it. He is always my Superman, the Mr. Fix-it to all my problems, big or small, imagined or real and this is something he feels so powerless over. I hate seeing him struggle with these feelings, it makes me feel like the worst wife in the history of the world. I can't fix this and neither can he and that is one of the worst feelings about all this IF crap.

Happy ICLW!

2010-08-22T17:13:00.000-05:00

It's party week in the blogging world! Welcome to all newcomers, hope you're having a great day! I'm Amanda and my hubby is C. I have PCOS and I don't ovulate or have periods and he has non-obstructive azoospermia due to a Y Chromosome Micro Deletion. You can read all about it here or a shorter version is on the right. It's been hell and we're currently on a break to save for IVF and/or adoption.

It's been hotter than the 5th circle of hell around here and I need to escape. I need cooler weather and pretty leaves and all things pumpkin so let's share our favorite things about Fall!

First is Halloween! I adore it and decorate like crazy and we have a big costume party every year.

Growing up in Houston, the leaves didn't do this and I LOVE it! That is Mt. Magazine here in AR

I love eating/drinking all things pumpkin related in the Fall. I am eagerly anticipating the Pumpkin Spice latte!

Camping, hiking and a fire is just Heaven to me, I can't wait!

I love the crisp, cool air and the feeling of change in the air. Taking walks around our neighborhood and seeing the pretty leaves swirl through the air, the way they crunch under my feet, which are in actual shoes rather then flip flops! Dragging out cardigans and sweaters and fabulous boots and keeping the windows open all the time to cool the house. Hitting up our local orchard to pick apples with friends and again, all things pumpkin!

ahh, I feel much more relaxed and cooled off now, don't you? Hurry up Fall!!

what a week

2010-08-20T18:08:00.000-05:00

I am in dire need of some good thoughts and my weekly gratitude list always helps to remind me of all the goodness in my life.

This week I am grateful for:

* a great network of friends, who don't hesitate to help each other when in need
* C for being so sweet and supportive during my "IF is hell" moments
* my Dad celebrating another birthday that the doctors said he never would
* organized closets, they make me feel so much more on top of everything
* cool, crisp, clean sheets and the amazing way they feel when you slip into bed after a long, hot day
* dinner & a movie with one of my BFFs
* wine because it was much needed this week

One of C's former co-worker's lost his daughter last weekend. She met a very tragic end at the hands of a crazy ex-boyfriend and left behind three young kids. We've all been in shock this week and have been frantically arranging meals and donations to help them out. Her memorial service is tomorrow and I am bracing myself for many tears. Can you please spare some prayers for the Cummings family?

A Moment to Breathe

2010-08-19T00:58:00.000-05:00

It has been a whirlwind month for us; C quit his job, took a month off and started a new job this week. We went to TX twice and spent a lot of time drinking beer, fishing, staying up late, sleeping in and having too much fun with friends. In short, it was perfection. I haven't seen C so relaxed in a very long time and it was awesome to spend so much time with him. But, it's nice to have normalcy back in our lives! He's liking his new job so far and it's keeping him plenty busy, which gives me time to catch up on cleaning, laundry and blogging! You know, all the important things..haha!

The only downside to our fabulous Summer is the dread I am already beginning to feel about the upcoming months. Dread because Fall is my favorite season, crammed full of pumpkin patches, corn mazes, Halloween festivities and lots of time hiking and camping with friends. All things I ache to do with a child. So, it's bittersweet for me. I've been able to ignore my baby fever all Summer but I'm afraid it'll be impossible to do once the weather cools and all the fun starts.

I have nothing to report adoption-wise because we didn't do much about it in C's month off. I am barely getting back into all the details/researching again. We're also waiting on the information from our new insurance so we can see if there is any IF coverage. We are still planning on cycling next year, it's just getting everything lined up that makes me feel so impatient!

It also makes me wish we had our baby already ::sigh::

We have a winner!!

2010-08-16T00:14:00.001-05:00

A huge thank you to everyone that entered my very first giveaway! The winner, according the random,org, is commenter number 6 and that would be April over at CD 1 again.... Congrats, April!! woohoo! Just send me an email with all your info and which bracelet you like so I can get it to you. My email is HopeisOursblog@gmail.com

and I realize that picture is tiny and very hard to read but I can't seem to make it right so please accept my apologies. I'm already planning my next giveaway in September to celebrate my blogoversary!

My 1st Giveaway!

2010-08-12T08:14:00.001-05:00

In honor of my 100th post, I thought it would be fun to have a giveaway, this is my first and I am super excited about it! (Although my 100th post has come and gone, I am still calling this giveaway in it's honor.) I love blogs and the blogging community has been simply wonderful. The support I have received from everyone has been just truly heartwarming. I remember when there was not a single person following my blog and to have 48 today makes me feel like my blog is doing what I had hoped it would. That is why I am thrilled to have a giveaway!

First, I wanted to give you something pretty and so I teamed up with my good friend over at the Beadlady6 so you could pick something to decorate yourself with! (I own the red bracelet and LOVE it, it just adds such a pop of color when I wear it)

But, I also wanted to give you something representative of me and this blog, so I am also including this:

It's something to help you remember that above all, hope is one of the greatest strengths to have in face of adversity. Hope is a good thing and although I sometimes really struggle with remembering that, it always manages to show up and remind me that having hope in the midst of infertility is the best way to win this war. When I come out on the other side, I will look back, smile and know that hope kept me going, the hope of a child, my child. I hope the same for all of you.

To enter, please leave one comment and you must also be a follower of this blog. I will use random.org to select the winner, multiple replies will be discarded. I will close the contest on August 15th at midnight and announce the winner the next day, August 16.

Good luck!!

Friday

2010-08-06T18:35:00.000-05:00

So, it's been one of those weeks. Started off with a cold, which turned into a raging toothache and of course, we are temporarily insurance-free. Went to the dentist anyway and learned it's my wisdom teeth and they have to be yanked out. In the mean time, I can't eat because the pain is SO bad and it's hard to even talk. On the flip side, I have lost 3 lbs from my diet of soup, mashed potatoes and eggs! But, I'd give almost anything to be able to eat a cheeseburger. Another positive, my pain meds are awesome!

In the midst of all my health drama, my Dad was taken to the hospital. The doctors think his colon cancer is back and he's been undergoing test after test this week but we still don't have a clear answer. I spent all of Wednesday crying because if the cancer is back, the prognosis is very bad. I've spent the past 2 days praying like crazy and ~~arguing~~ pleading with God.

So, I am in need of my Friday ritual. Here is what I am grateful for:

* a supportive network of family and friends
* doctors that treat those without insurance
* the lovely afternoon storm today that gave my grass a much needed watering
* late night fishing on our lake with C and some amazing friends
* ice cream runs with same said friends and talks that linger for hours
* an awesome cardigan I got for $6 down from $70!!
* a day spent curled up with a very good book and my comfy bed
* stores that are setting out Fall decor!!
* realizing that I can decorate for Fall very soon :)

Tonight should be golden, despite all the medical crap. C is taking the boat out for some more night fishing while four very fun ladies and I go have drinks and dance. I am loving getting all dressed up! Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

[my next post will be to announce the giveaway!!]

being sick=bad blogger

2010-08-01T16:00:00.000-05:00

I've been a bad blogger. First, it was because we were on vacation and now that we're home, it's that I am nursing a head cold that has declared me it's bitch. It's just plain evil to have a cold in the Summer time! But, at least I'm not C, who has been dealing with a stomach bug. If I catch that as well, I think I might just go crazy. He's actually feeling fine today, the lucky ass.

So, we are a couple of sickies holed up at home while the bright blue skies tease us and friends call with really fun plans that we have to turn down. On the plus side, I have done a ton of reading and TV/movie watching...on the downside, I really need to dust, vacuum, sweep and scrub but just don't feel like it. We have unpacked our luggage and done about 593 loads of laundry or so it seems anyway. ooh and we went grocery shopping late last night! See? Progress!

So, until I can properly hear from my clogged ears, stop blowing my nose and stop ~~demanding~~ sweetly asking C to make me tea, I must make you wait on the giveaway. bwahahaha!!

Don't be mad, I promise it'll be awesome.

100 posts

2010-07-24T10:04:00.000-05:00

So, here it is, my 100th post. It only took me practically 2 years of blogging to get here! I have postponed the giveaway since I am still in TX because of my Dad's health issues. We're waiting on some tests to see what the next step is but I'm really worried about him. I loathe seeing my Dad like this and I hate spending time in hospitals so I'm pretty grumpy these days. Lucky C!

Anyway, being back home is always an interesting experience for me. On one hand, I adore our families and love spending time with everyone. But, on the other hand, I never feel as infertile as I do when I'm around them. I just feel absolutely barren and empty when I'm here. Seeing C's old crib at my IL's makes me wonder if our child will ever sleep in it, just as my other nephews and niece have. Watching my two nieces play together makes me wonder if I'll ever watch my child play with their cousins. Will it ever be me that pushes the stroller and wonders where the diaper bag is? Will I ever complain about missed naps, disobedient toddlers and shopping for school supplies? When will I be the mommy the cute baby is crawling towards? When will it be our turn? Why hasn't it been our turn yet? When can we go back home where I can not be constantly reminded just how empty my ute is?

I haven't felt like this is a while now. IF is in our lives, we don't forget it's presence, but it's easier to live with when we are back in Arkansas, which is strange because our best friends have kids and one is pregnant. But it's not as hard to be IF when I'm with them as it is when I'm with my family. And it's not like anyone here is going out of their way to be hurtful, it's just that the life we've built around IF comes crumbling down when we're home. Here it doesn't matter that we sleep late, drink often and have lots of spontaneity in our activities, it makes no difference how far we've come in making a little bit of peace with IF or that we try to not be bitter and jealous. All that matters here is what we don't have and it feels like someone is shining a huge spotlight on our infertility, which makes it glaringly obvious what is missing and what we're ignoring.

We're infertile, how the hell did I manage to forget that?

Happy ICLW!

2010-07-21T01:58:00.000-05:00

Welcome ICLW'ers! I love getting your comments and appreciate it so very much. Our story is to the right and in slightly more detail here. IF is a mean, bad bitch and I write very honestly (and cuss, often) in my attempts to share my view with all of you.

In honor of ICLW and us getting to know each other, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite things in pictures and here they are!

Tell me, do you hate me now that you know I am a die-hard Longhorns fan?! ; )

Freaky Friday!

2010-07-16T20:05:00.000-05:00

Another Friday, man this was the longest week ever! It was a strange week for me, I had friends over Wednesday for pool time and some drinking, yesterday was our anniversary and today was just plain ol' crazy. C quit the job that changed our lives, the one he got right out of school and has been with for almost 5 years. The one with coworkers who are like family and the job that moved us twice. I'm pretty scared! He has something lined up so I'm not too scared, it's just bittersweet. He's thrilled about having some time off between now and his start date. I kinda like that too! Plus he got a new tattoo today, it's pretty awesome.

Now, my Friday ritual! This week I'm grateful for:

* great, supportive friends
* a wonderful husband who makes marriage easy
* Mexican food, I had yummy cheese enchiladas today
* Old Navy for having 2 for $5 flip flop sales!
* my beautiful niece, A, who turned 10 this week
* my funny sister for never failing to make me laugh and for being a single mom
* Summer storms with pretty lightning
* banana shakes, so delicious!
* C for making dinner twice this week

This is my 97th post and in honor of my 100th, I'm hosting a giveaway! I will give details very soon. Have a fun weekend!

4 Years Ago...

2010-07-14T22:43:00.000-05:00

The day had finally arrived, after being engaged for 23 very long months, we were finally getting married! The excitement, the anticipation, the down-right-giddiness was just radiating from everyone it seemed.

We said our vows in the Church where we grew up, it was downright dreamy that day.

As I slipped into my wedding finery surrounded by my sister, sisters-in-law, cousins, aunts, my Mom, my Mother-in-law and dear friends, I was calm and enjoying every beautiful moment.

As my wonderful Dad walked me down the aisle to my love, I couldn't help but grin the entire way.

During our hour long Catholic Mass, everyone else disappeared and we were in our own world. Whispering, giggling, staring into each others eyes and like magic, we were husband and wife. (In this picture, we're praying to the Virgin Mary.)

So, surrounded by all the people we love best, we began our journey.

The party stretched on until midnight, with lots of dancing and drinking, until we slipped away and stayed our first night as Mr & Mrs in a fabulous hotel on the Gulf.

It was my dream wedding and I love watching our video every July 15th. C and I always drag out our personalized toasting glasses and toast another year of marriage and make promises for the new one. I wouldn't change a thing and I can't wait to see where this year will take us. It's been quite the roller coaster but I can't imagine being on this ride with anyone else.

To Kill a Mockingbird

2010-07-11T05:18:00.002-05:00

Today is the 50th anniversary of the publication of one of the greatest books ever written. I love to read, I read all the time, and this is one of my favorite books. I try to read it again every year and am filled with glee at the thought of discussing it with my nephew when he reads it this year. Run out and buy a copy if you don't have one! (I'm buying a new copy today since mine has disappeared)

I leave you with my favorite quote from the book:

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." ~Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird, Chapter 11, Spoken by Atticus

Azoo: One Year Later

2010-07-07T14:22:00.003-05:00

I barely remembered writing this post about C's first experience with those little cups until I read it again recently. Like a tidal wave, it all came rushing back to me. We had abstained for a few days, per Dr. Insensitive's orders, and were chomping at the bit to get back in action. That caused us to collect the sample at like 2am...hehe...and rush it to the 24/7 lab at our local hospital. I vividly remember looking at the contents and feeling a slight nudge that something wasn't right, C saw that quick hesitation on my face and asked me in this little, worried voice if it was enough. That voice broke my heart so I pushed my fear aside and reassured him that I was 100% confident everything would turn out fine. We dropped it off and I remember the lab tech was a young girl whose name was Athena. It made this history nerd laugh and joke how I wished her name had been Aphrodite. Deep down, I was so scared and prayed the whole drive home for everything to be ok.

Now, this post, I can recall all too well. I wrote it the day after the doctor called to give me the results. Since C was working out of town, I had a friend come over because a guy from Craigslist was coming over to pick something up and I didn't want to be alone when he came. B and I were in my computer room, watching perverted/gross videos on youtube when my phone rang. I walked into my kitchen and sat at the table where I heard these words, "Sorry but your husband is sterile." I immediately started crying and B looked at me in horror as I hung up and blurted it all out to her. Poor B is a single gal who doesn't want to have kids or get married and was stuck trying to comfort me! She was and has been a total sweetheart about everything.

It was pure hell calling C and telling him, he later told me he cried in the bathroom after we hung up (which totally makes my heart hurt to picture). He came home a couple of days later and everything and nothing had changed. We talked, argued and cried and I was in disbelief over his total optimism over it all. We decided right then and there that we would leave no stone unturned in our quest for answers. We are feisty and stubborn and our determination led us to not accept Dr. Nut's initial assessment and also led to Dr. L's amazing discovery of our four little swimmers in C's fourth SA.

I remember making the call to my Mom that day. I was crying so hard that she couldn't make out my words and the first thing I said was, "Now he's going to leave me" and now, a year later, that tells me so much about how I feel about it all. I would rather there not be a single drop of completely perfect semen than be without C. As long as I have him, I will deal with the azoospermia and all it entails. He is what is important, not his sperm, I love him with or without it. I stress that to him often.

Here we are one year later and like I said, everything and nothing has changed. We are still us but a different us, we are scarred, less innocent and see the world through our infertility colored glasses now. We can't look at pregnant woman or babies quite the same anymore. We tell people that there are so many more ways to have a family then the old fashioned way and that none of them are the wrong way. We also see each other differently, now that we've been to hell and back, but it's not a bad thing. We see each others strengths and weaknesses, we know how much we can take on and are learning when to take a step back. We started out this summer so heartbroken over canceling our IVF but now are so grateful we had to. We've had the best summer and are in such a good place right now. We have found a peace that I never imagined a year ago we would.

I guess with enough perspective, the view of just about anything can change and morph into feelings you never imagined. Amazing what a year can teach you.

4th of July

2010-07-05T10:07:00.001-05:00

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

~July 4, 1776

(btw, a friend had a Canada party on July 1st so Happy belated Canada Day for all my Canadian friends!)

Time Flies

2010-07-02T02:17:00.004-05:00

I can't believe how quickly June went by! Seems like I was just celebrating C's birthday and now it's already July. Where does the time go? Anyway, C and I had a busy weekend followed by a busy week and now he's back at work and I'm on my own this weekend. I'm going to spend it doing laundry, cleaning and reading. But I will be spending the 4th with our BFFs and I'm looking forward to BBQ, ice cream and fireworks. The Fourth of July just seems to capture the very essence of Summer for me and I always look forward to it.

The social worker we met was a real sweetie. The meeting was brief but the point was made and that is all that matters. I've ordered some adoption books because I am so clueless about it all, especially private adoption. It's so completely new to us and I can't wait to read the books!

Since we are still in the exploration phase of adoption, C hasn't mentioned a thing to his parents. Outside of our friends here in AR, we have only told my parents and siblings. None of our TX friends know, nobody in his family knows and none of my extended family knows either. It's actually quite nice. I kinda like the idea of not saying anything because I really don't want to deal with the comments, questions and remarks. For many reasons but mainly because we are still sorting it all out for ourselves. Thankfully, I have this blog as my outlet!

Now, on to my Friday ritual! I'm grateful for:

* watching our good friend marry his sweet wife
* dancing with C at the reception
* the lazy day I spent with 2 good friends, gossiping and watching a movie
* Mass and then lunch with R, the friend who is helping us with everything
* the cold front that lowered the humidity to such pleasant levels!
* root beer, so refreshing on a hot day
* getting rid of junk on craigslist and ebay
* classic movies that make me smile and yearn for different times
* C, my partner in crime and other half

Happy 4th of July! I hope you all spend it with fireworks, BBQ and loved ones!

TGIF!!

2010-06-25T13:58:00.005-05:00

Can I just say, for the millionth time, just how excited I am about starting the adoption process?! I'm googling bassinets, stalking BRU, pulling the baby clothes I've hidden out and bugging C about baby names. It's fun and I can't stop imagining what our baby will look like, if it'll be a boy or a girl and just how I'll ever be able to express my gratitude to the birth mom. I know it's all very putting the cart before the horse, but I can't help it. I'm excited! Also, very anxious for Sunday to get here so we can meet this social worker and get more info, hopefully.

Grateful List:

* C for being just as excited about adoption as I am
* my family and two BFFS for being excited too
* the dress I found, in my size, on sale for $20 from $80
* the fabulous pair of heels I found in my closet that I had clearly forgotten about!
* our central A/C, it's frickin' hot this Summer
* my oh-so-adorable nephews and nieces
* Skype that allows me to see my adorable nephews and nieces
* finding old friends on FB
* finding old enemies on FB and realizing they have gained as much weight as I have!

We have a busy weekend planned with a dinner, a wedding and adoption stuff. It's going to be golden, I can just tell! Hope yours is too!

Interesting News

2010-06-22T21:21:00.003-05:00

I've told you about my midwife friend, R, who has been dealing with IF for seven years. She can get a tad preachy about the evils of IVF according to her Catholic faith but other then that, has been a God-send. She just gets it and we often have dinners that stretch on for hours as we talk about IF, our hubbies, their job, life, etc. We had lunch together a week and a half ago and something she said has given us a new perspective. We are meeting a social worker on Sunday.

At our lunch, R mentioned a fellow midwife friend of hers who works in a large, poor Hispanic community here in Arkansas. She often calls R with babies available for adoption and R was wondering if I would be ok with her passing on my name to her. I didn't even think about it before blurting out, "Yes, of course!" To which R reminded me I should probably talk it over with C first...hahaha! Well, it planted a seed in my mind and C and I spent a few days talking about it but then he got busy and we just kinda dropped it. Until a day or so ago when C brought it up and mentioned how excited he was about the possibility. He even told his two closest friends about it, which shocked the hell out of me. Since we hadn't continued to discuss it, I thought the subject was closed.

Guess not! I emailed R that same day with confirmation to give out my name. So R has, to the midwife and to a fellow friend of hers who is the head of a local pregnancy crisis center. R even knows a social worker and a lawyer who both donate their services for little to no cost! How incredible is that?! R's connections run deep and I am eternally grateful to have her as my friend. So much so that C and I are meeting the social worker on Sunday!

I'm overwhelmed to say the least and excited, scared, worried, panicked and hopeful all at the same time. None of this means we will come home with a baby tomorrow, next month or even next year. All it means is we are going to talk to a social worker. I was even hesitant to blog about this because what if nothing comes of the meeting? But, I am such a mix of emotions that I had to get it off my chest.

All I know for sure is that regardless of the outcome of the meeting, it doesn't mean that we are giving up on IVF, we can do both and we will. It just means there are more options for us and that is an incredible feeling.

Summer Time

2010-06-18T12:19:00.005-05:00

I am deeply into Summer mode- cookouts, tan lines, fishing, trips to the lake and reading lots of chick lit. Oh, and lots of margaritas! It's awesome. Deathly hot but awesome nonetheless. I am really loving Summer this year but compared to last Summer, how could I not be? There have been no doctor appointments, no needles and no bad news, it's very refreshing.

C and I are also in a better place mentally right now than we were a mere month ago. I guess we just needed to get all that IF crap out and for now it is. But that isn't to say those emotions won't rear their ugly head again cause I'm sure they will. I'm just hoping we can get through the rest of the Summer in relative peace before jumping into Fall and Winter holidays, which I'm sure will be bittersweet once again.

But, actually, we are looking into something right now that is very promising and making us feel very hopeful and a tad confused. It's weird and I promise to share it next week, once I know a little more. Until then, my grateful list!

* the lovely exterminator who laughed at my squeals of delight when he began spraying our house...stupid spiders and beetles and ants and well, all stupid bugs

* my awesome friends for making me laugh and for sharing 3 hour long meals with me, where we bash IF, the heat and the new girlfriend of a friend who likes to dress reaalllly skimpy.

* C for making delicious watermelon margaritas

* Sonic slushies...so damn good

* the Beach Boys because they are my Summer soundtrack this year

* the blogging community because it's simply amazing

* sleeping late!!

Have a wonderful weekend, I hope you squeeze every last drop of greatness out of it!

Lies

2010-06-10T11:22:00.002-05:00

When my BFF announced her unplanned pregnancy, I tried to mentally prepared myself for two more announcements because that is my luck. Pregnancies always come in three's in my life, seriously. Anyway, sure enough, the other two revealed themselves recently. An old friend from high school and a coworker of C's. The old friend hated her last pregnancy and complained the entire time about the weight gain, swore she would never have another. Well, husband number 3 decided he wanted one with her so...bam, she's pregnant! C's coworker and his girlfriend are surprised by this pregnancy, despite not using BC (oh the irony! ;). He took C aside and told him privately, before he told anyone else. Which I think is so sweet and considerate of C's feelings.

I am incredibly happy for our three friends, babies are a miracle. I will gladly buy them baby gifts, inquire about their pregnancy and gush over their bumps. I'm not going to hide them on FB or talk too much smack about them to my wonderful IF'ers. As they talk about morning sickness, bloat and being uncomfortable, I will sleep on my stomach, eat sushi and enjoy the Summer. I will convince myself that I'm ok with not being pregnant right now and make mental lists of all the things I can do because I'm not KU. I may feel sorry for myself and desperately wish it was me pregnant but I will delightfully drink alcohol in front of them.

I might even succeed, momentarily, in buying the crap I'm shoveling out. I may actually forget just how silent our house is, how empty our lives seem. How it's June and how I should be preparing for my ER, how I'd be able to share my pregnancy with three awesome friends instead of trying to convince myself everything is ok.

Grateful Friday

2010-06-05T11:09:00.002-05:00

Only a day late! Last night was C's birthday bash and it was loads of drunken good times. We started out a a local restaurant and ended up back at our place, where my drunk hubby promptly puked his guts out and passed out on our swing in the backyard. We partied without him, most left around 2am and three fellow drunkies ended up crashing here so we were up until 4am. I'm exhausted and the house is a mess. But, the pictures are priceless and seeing C have a good time is as well.

In honor of his birthday, my grateful list is almost entirely about him! This week I am grateful for:

* how hard C works to provide for us
* the way he thinks my quirks are adorable
* how he can make me laugh until it hurts
* how his kisses still give me butterflies
* how much he loves my family
* how fiercely loyal he is to his friends
* how he likes to quote movies with me
and switching gears
* the 20 friends who came out last night to celebrate with us
* the super cool waiter
* our cute dogs who can always cheer me up
* chicken sandwiches (my craving this past week)
* my blog followers!

Have a fantastic weekend!!

Good Riddance to May!

2010-06-01T18:28:00.003-05:00

I am so glad that May is over, it was not friendly to me. Mother's Day was challenging in ways I hadn't anticipated, I was very homesick for my family, C and I were grumpy with each other almost every day and I dealt with a surprise pregnancy announcement. All while secretly googling baby names and strollers because I am a glutton for punishment...or, rather, an idiot. I'm trying to not think about Father's Day since it'll be the first one since the azoo diagnosis and I'm unsure of how both of us are going to handle it. I'm focusing on C's birthday, which is this weekend, also on another trip to TX in a couple of weeks and on a dear friend's wedding at the end of the month. I want this month to pass quickly!

C and I are slowly making mends towards not being so grumpy with each other. It's really hard to let go of the bitterness though and the guilt. He sees how badly I am hurting so he feels guilty and blames himself. I see him taking blame for a blameless condition and get angry at myself for not hiding my baby fever better. It seems, in our endless talks about IF, all we actually talked about was IF. We talked about what doctors said, the next surgery, the next appointment, our insurance and saving for IVF. Rarely did we talk about our feelings, the pain or the longing for a baby. We focused on what we could see and not on what was going on inside of us. Which, evidently, we could only keep buried for so long. Now that there are no treatments or doctors to distract us, we are left dealing with the emotions. They have been much more difficult to deal with than any of the doctors or surgeries.

It might be surprising to you that we neglected to really discuss our feelings, it's surprising to me too. We did mention how sad/upset/scared we were feeling but we rarely went into details. Never did we talk about blame, bitterness or how it was changing us and our marriage. Not that we blame each other but we sure do blame ourselves and that is just as poisonous. So, there have been a lot of talks lately about all this really heavy stuff. It's really draining on us and I've found a couple of therapists in Little Rock that might be helpful to us. I'm calling my old RE here tomorrow to see if they recommend one over the other. It's time we see someone who can help us deal with this.

There isn't much I can do about my homesickness though and I fiercely miss Texas these days. I'm going back soon and I can't wait. I'm also going on vacation with my family in early July, poor C can't rearrange his work schedule to come along too. We're headed to Florida and I am super excited, it's just what I need. But, to be fair to C, we just made plans to head to San Diego this Fall to see his brother's family. A nice trip to San Diego and maybe Vegas is just perfect for us.

Now, the surprise pregnancy announcement. I was woken up last week by a text from one of my BFFs here announcing her unexpected, unplanned pregnancy. One she is not very happy about either. She has a four year old and a twenty month old and has been saying she is done for over a year now but not using BC. Yeah, and she's shocked by this pregnancy?! Maybe she needs a lesson in reproduction? ::sigh:: I am happy for her, as long as she keeps her complaints to herself. This means, amidst my two BFFs here, there is a 4 y/o, an almost 3 y/o, an almost 2 y/o, a 5 month old and a pregnancy...and a partridge in a pear tree. FML

Is it any wonder my baby fever is reaching Mt. Everest type peaks? We are surrounded by children and babies. Maybe, just maybe, our homesickness is our disguise for wanting to get the hell out of babyville. God, I hope I find a therapist tomorrow.

Grateful Friday

2010-05-28T21:29:00.003-05:00

* my family in Texas

* laughing and drinking beer with cousins I hadn't seen in a long time

* fishing on our lake, even if all I caught was a stick

* a newspaper full of coupons for almost everything I need

* Harry Potter movie marathons (so excited for the next movie!)

* picking up takeout with C and planting our bums on the couch for the night

* C dusting the house this week (woohoo!)

* ice cream cones from Diary Queen (so very good)

* lazy Summer days melting into sultry Summer nights

* the thunderstorms we had every afternoon this week, love Summer storms!

* opening my mailbox and finding a movie, two magazines and no bills!

* spending the day with my two BFFs and ending it by seeing SATC 2

* C's kisses, which still make me giddy after 10 & 1/2 years

* the way C can make me giggle like a school-girl when he winks at me

* hearing good news about my nephews and nieces

* making plans for yet another trip to Texas

* the comfort the blogging world brings me

ahh, so therapeutic for me! It's been a rough week and I really, really needed this. It's nice to remind myself of all the good in my life and there is plenty of it, thankfully.

I'm sending all my love to those who have died serving our country and to those that have and still are serving. Have a wonderful Memorial weekend!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-05-26T11:33:00.003-05:00

(or nearly wordless, we went hiking!)

Dark Clouds

2010-05-24T08:27:00.003-05:00

Life has been busy the past two weeks. I was in Houston for a few days for family events and then C was home all week so that left little time to blog. He's such a good distraction! I feel terrible that I missed two "Grateful Fridays" in a row but I will make up for that this week. I badly need to remind myself of the good since I've been feeling pretty negative lately. Just feeling a little sorry for myself and yearning for a baby a lot lately. It's driving me crazy to have such ups and downs in my emotions regarding our IF. It's like once I resolve to be hopeful and happy, I jinx myself and immediately start to feel bitter and angry all over again.

The last week or so I've also been unable to sleep. I get sleepy but once I'm in bed, my mind just won't turn off. I end up laying in bed for hours before giving up and going into another room to read or watch TV. So basically, I'm just a sleepy, angry, sad mess. Which means I am LOADS of fun to be around right now! Not that you should feel sorry for C, he's been pretty grumpy lately too. I think the stress is just really wearing us out and the sadness of having to postpone our IVF is harder to ignore the closer we get to June. I can feel the tension but there is little I can do to ease it. C can tell I'm sad but there is little he can do to fix it. It's such a vicious cycle. Why must IF leave no piece of our lives untouched? No matter how hard we try to be hopeful and stay positive, there is a big shadow looming overhead at all times. It's our constant companion.

The only thing that gives us any relief from that ugly IF shadow is our love. We love each other through it all; the good days, the bad days and the really, really ugly days. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. We cling to each other and just hope to emerge on the other side as soon as possible.

Grateful Friday

2010-05-08T00:39:00.003-05:00

(just a tad late since it is currently after midnight here)

Inspired by Suzanne over at My Life's Journey I am going to try and list what I am grateful for on Fridays. A nice way to remind myself of the good in my life, in the midst of all this IF. I think today is a good day to start this because I am dreading Mother's Day with a fierce passion. I really wish I could just skip it entirely.

Grateful List:

* leaving the library with six books I am excited to read
* C being off this weekend
* hanging out in the backyard with my dogs
* our DVR, I would be lost without it!
* my Scentsy warmer and scents arriving
* windy, breezy weather...it feels like Fall, I am fighting the urge to carve a pumpkin!
* Wii game nights where we trash talk each other and laugh all night
* finding cherry flavored cake icing...I adore anything cherry related
* Apple Cinnamon Cheerios...so damn good

Short list this week but that's ok, hopefully next week will be better! I hope you all have a great weekend and to all my fellow IF'ers ::giant hugs::

What if?

2010-04-29T16:19:00.008-05:00

I've been honoring National Infertility Awareness Week with a different FB status every day. I've been telling FB about what infertility is, how much IUI and IVF cost and how many states provide coverage. The feedback has been interesting, most haven't commented but a few have with positive comments. I'm sure I am annoying people but I don't care, we need more IF awareness so I am delighted to take part in Bloggers Unite: Project IF and answer my What If? question. But, since I have so many, I'm just going to list them:

* What if I never know how C truly feels about his azoospermia and how it has affected him?

* What if there is no sperm the day of the biopsy for our IVF?

* What if my eggs are horrible?

* What if the embryos fail to grow?

* What if I miscarry?

* What if I never get to be called "Mom" or hear C be called "Dad"?

The "what ifs" keep me awake at night. They drive me to tears and have me begging God they don't come true. The "what ifs" started to rule my life and almost drove me crazy. IF was all I talked about, thought about, obsessed about and read about. A couple of days ago, I asked C what IF has done to our marriage and he quickly answered with, "It's all we are now." It made me so sad and I realized that I can't let the "what ifs" rule me anymore. I have to take my life back, our lives back. I know I can't go back to being who I was before IF entered our lives, I'm not that same person anymore. But I can learn to live with IF and adjust to the changes it has brought to us. I can start being a normal person again, just a new kind of normal than before. I can let IF run my life or I can live my life, it's up to me.

These revelations got me thinking about this break we are on and brought up the most shocking "what if" yet, What if this break is the best thing for us? Last year was spent in tears and doctor offices. From January to June, it was a monthly race to my period and from July to December, azoo ran our lives. It was a truly awful year for us. We didn't go on vacation, spend a day hiking a local mountain, go anywhere but Houston or not talk about IF for a whole day, it was all doctors, surgeries, research and IF. We simply can't go on like that anymore, we're all out of steam. As much as this break sucks and as devastated as we are, this is the best thing for us right now. A nice mental break to save more money and pay off debt. I have no doubt that by early next year, we are going to be all geared up for our first, and hopefully only, IVF.

The past few days have been mentally exhausting but I feel a peace that has been missing for quite some time. We both do, it's amazing. I'm going back to school so I can finally get my BA and I just might get a real job. C hasn't smoked in 2 weeks and goes jogging every night. I'm going to start a local IF support group since there isn't a Resolve one in our area and I'm really excited about it. We're going to start attending Church regularly and are going to plan a real vacation. We have plans to go hiking next week, weather permitting. We are living our lives again and it feels good. The journey has shaped us, but it will not become us.

We are infertile but that doesn't define us anymore. What if that is the best lesson of all?

www.resolve.org/infertility101
www.resolve.org/takecharge
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/

(sorry if they aren't working, it's being all wonky for me)

Growing Something

2010-04-28T18:41:00.004-05:00

What Now?

2010-04-27T02:42:00.002-05:00

The disappointment is heavy on my heart and it just all feels so impossible right now. There is this ache inside of me, an emptiness where a baby belongs and I feel it so profoundly these days. It seems like we will never get to experience the one thing we desire with our entire being. I feel hopeless and that is the worst feeling.

We've been going over numbers and redoing them over and over again. We can afford the loan but it would be tight. If/When the IVF works, adding the costs of a pregnancy and a baby (or two) would just be too uncomfortable for us. We simply can't do that to our child. We don't want to enter parenthood worried about money. It was a very cold feeling when the realization hit us, we stayed up very late going over and over it all. I so desperately wish money wasn't standing in the way of our dreams.

But, we do have a tentative plan in place. If it all works out, then maybe something can happen by the end of the Summer but definitely by Spring we should be cycling. I'm praying like crazy and trying to be hopeful.

I gaze at the sky nightly and make a wish, seriously- without fail, I wish on a star every night. Just a few minutes ago, I let the dogs out to go potty. I glanced up at the sky and saw a shooting star. I instantly made a wish and laughed. Laughed because I haven't seen a shooting star in years, despite my repeated request to God to show me one as a sign of hope. I've been begging God for quite some time to give me the sign I so desperately need and tonight, he did. Guess there is hope after all.

calling off our IVF

2010-04-25T20:07:00.001-05:00

Stupid, stupid, stupid...that is all I keep hearing in my head. The finances just can't be managed right now, we need to save some more and pay off some more before getting a loan the size we need for IVF. I guess now our aim is to be ready by the end of the year but more then likely, it won't be until next Spring.

I'm heartbroken and have spent the weekend crying. It seriously feels like it will never be our turn.