Penguins and IVF

It looks like we will have all the money stuff done in the next two weeks! I am so incredibly excited and very anxious to get it all rolling! SQUEEE!!!!!!

I find the majority of my support from an IF message board on the bump and this past winter we choose a mascot in hopes it would bring us all luck. Have you seen the movie, March of the Penguins? It explains perfectly why the emperor penguin now means so much to us on the board. (If you haven't seen it, read this.) They go through so much for just one little egg, their precious baby. So similar to all of us dealing with IF. I didn't think to load up on penguin stuff this winter so now I'm searching all over for penguin socks, pajamas, etc to wear for the entire IVF process.

I did find this:


Which is so ironically perfect for us. Every year I buy an ornament to represent the year for us and I've been doing this since our first Christmas together in 1999. It's a lovely tradition that I can't wait to share with our child. 2009 represented a lot of sadness for us with the azoo diagnosis and I didn't know how to pick an ornament for that, didn't want to actually. I was thrilled to come across this one and it sums up 2009 perfectly. IF but still so damn hopeful we will end up with our own perfect little baby.

One Step Closer!

I swear this road to IVF is actually going somewhere! We've been getting all the money details worked out and finally today, we received word that we only have three more hurdles to clear, YAY!! That much closer to calling my IVF nurse and scheduling our class, I am so excited!

However, I am growing increasingly irritated with the finance person at our clinic. I have left three messages for her to call me back and still nada. I'm giving her until Thursday before I start calling as many people as I can and complaining. Ugh, doesn't she know how anxious I am?!

We have almost all the paperwork we need, all that is lacking is my medical file from Dr. Insensitive. Of course, her office is being a giant douche and making me come in to put my request in writing, for the third time, before releasing it to me. Heading over to her office tomorrow though.

Our target IVF month is still June but it *might* get pushed to July, pending my RE's vacation schedule. I can't wait!

No place like home

By chance, C had work training in Houston this week and I tagged along so I could spend some time with our families. While I'm happy to have the time with C, I'm wishing I had stayed in AR. I am just miserable and can't wait to get back home. The humidity isn't helping my mood much either or my hair for that matter, ugh.

I have been feeling pretty down lately, just really depressed and stressed out thinking about our upcoming IVF. I really, really don't want to cycle in Houston. The thought of being here all summer is getting me down. I would much rather go through IVF in the comfort of my own home, away from all the questions and concerns of our families. My parents and my ILs are annoyingly involved, something I hadn't wanted. If the cycle fails, the pain is going to be that much worse because they will all know. I've been brainstorming ways to keep the ET a secret so they won't know when I'm in the 2ww. But, it'll be hard since I'll be staying at my parents house, which is next door to my ILs. FML.

The problem is, I love our doctors here and I know the best chance of this working for us is with them. I know this is where we need to be for our IVF, I will do anything and go anywhere for the chance of a successful IVF. I'm just terrified that the stress of doing it here will cause our IVF to not work. Super terrified and being here right now, is just making me stress about it more and realize how hard it's going to be. Our whole cycle on display before our families and C not being able to be here more then a couple of weeks...it's just all freaking me out. A lot.

People are stupid

We've been going to the same tax person for the past three years that we have lived in AR. She is a sweet lady and always remembers us, which is nice. This year, I could barely stop myself from throat punching her. She asked us if we finally had some dependents this year and it was like taking a punch to the gut. C quietly told her no and that we were planning IVF this year and how should we keep track of that for our taxes next year. She launched into this huge speech about adoption and timing and "just relaxing" so that nature can take it's course. She pointed out pictures of her grandkids and told us about her DIL being told she couldn't conceive. How she adopted and got pregnant right afterward, just to get pregnant again right after that one so she sent the woman's son to get a vasectomy and isn't that so funny? lololol

I kept my composure until C glanced at me and then my eyes just began to fill with tears. I just sat there, numb, listening to this idiot and fighting the tears. I was so happy to leave her office. I'm even happier that I was able to fight the tears until I got home and could cry in private. If our IVF doesn't work, there is no way I can go back to her next year.

It's taken me some time to get to a comfortable place with our IF, I'm not as depressed about it anymore and I'm trying very hard to not let it rule my life. It's much easier to get out of bed in the morning now that we have sperm frozen and a firm plan for IVF. I'm hopeful for the first time since December and it feels so good. I'm proud of myself for moving past the darkness of our initial azoo dx, I've fought hard to get here.

But, all it takes is someone laughing about a vasectomy to send me reeling. How I wish C was fertile enough to require such a thing. How I wish I was fertile enough to require getting my tubes tied or BCP. How I wish we weren't facing IF and IVF. Ugh, that stupid bitch.

On an unrelated note, a friend told me today is National Margarita Day. I am not one to go against celebrating a holiday and am enjoying a nice, big margarita. Oh how it helps ease the pain of other people's stupidity!

Surprises

What a week we had! 8 inches of snow in an area where 2 inches is the norm and that usually melts by noon. We had a blast in it and acted like a couple of kids, much to the amusement of our neighbors. The melting of it has been unpleasant though and our backyard looks like a swamp. I am so ready for Spring, please bring on warmer weather!

We also received our IVF consent forms in the mail this week, which moved me to tears. It just made it all so incredibly real! C gave me the biggest hug and we just stood there, holding each other, appreciating that our life is about to change in big ways. I poured over the papers the other day and was slightly overwhelmed by all the decisions and information. I've also been immersing myself in the two IVF books I ordered and in the two that a sweet fellow IF'er passed on to me. They say knowledge is power but all it's doing is freaking me out! But I now have a great list of questions for my RE!

The biggest surprise of the week was my BIL calling and offering to be our donor. We were blown away by his amazingly generous offer. He called very early in the morning, telling C that he just couldn't sleep or stop thinking about how unfair it is that C has azoo. He went on and on about how deserving C is of children and how much his own children look like they could be C's. I cried my eyes out when they got off the phone. It is what I had wished for from the very beginning when donor sperm was first mentioned. It's the next best thing to C's own sperm, at least in our opinion.

There is a lot to work out for a known donor, not to mention a 6 month quarantine on the sperm. There's also a lot to work out with my BIL and SIL, there is a lot to talk about. I'm not 100% sure SIL is completely comfortable with this idea, not that I blame her in the slightest. Nothing further has been discussed between anyone so right now, it's just an idea. An amazing idea and one that touches us very deeply.

As for now, we are going to do IVF with C's sperm and it looks like we will be cycling in June. We're in the middle of getting our finances in order and working out scheduling with C's job, Dr. L and my RE. All are great fun ::please note the sarcasm::

Whew, what a week! Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Acceptance

I’m going to be honest; IVF was a hard pill for me to swallow. Or maybe, it’s not the IVF but the idea of passing along IF to my son that left such a bitter taste in my mouth. Or maybe it’s both or maybe it’s all of that mixed in with my feelings about IF. I don’t know, my feelings were too jumbled and confused to make sense of them. I was just having a hard time with it. And, I know, there are worse things to be tossing around in my head, the situation could be worse. I really don’t have THAT much to bitch about. But, and there’s always a but, I couldn't shake these feelings. It was all really messing with my head. I was scared and sad that this is it for us, the only option for us to have each other’s child. There will never be a child we create by making love, it will never be that simple for us. That innocence is gone. We won't even be there when our child is conceived, isn't that so mind-blowing?

However, IVF wasn't the real issue for me, the real problem was IF. Confronting it and accepting it, something I hadn't done. There was no need until now, before we were wrapped up in all the testing, questioning and wondering aspect. Now we have a diagnosis, a name for our problem and I can't hide from it. It's there, it's real, it's total crap. I am still amazed that C has a genetic birth defect, WTF? I mean, how does that make any sense? Azoo is the cruelest blow to a man.

I suspect that IF will always shadow my life and that makes me sad too. I'm worried that I will always feel that sting of jealousy and regret when I hear about someone expecting a baby. I know I will always marvel at the people in my life who conceive naturally. I’m also afraid that I will always be sad that we couldn’t do that. No matter how long we try, no matter how many tricks we attempt, nothing but doctors will ever help us create life.

In the midst of all this confusion, one thing remains the same- my dream of being a mom. I never expected such a battle to have this dream realized, who could or rather, who would? Sure, the circumstances surrounding the creation of our family is nothing like I pictured, but really, what does that matter? In the end, all that will matter is that we emerge on the other side. All that matters is that we win this battle, it doesn’t matter HOW we win, just that we do and we will. We will take on IVF and laugh in the face of IF. I will hold my child, who I am convinced will have C's small head and crazy laugh. I will be a mom and he will be a dad.

I will send a picture of us with our child to Dr. Nuts and Dr. Insensitive with the following caption: Yes, you were right. It took a miracle and that miracle came in the form of FAR better doctors than you.

IVF

I just want off this roller coaster. No more, I just can't keep having hope and then having it yanked away from me. I'm tired of bad news and doctor appointments, of arguing with C about which direction we should go and of feeling so damn depressed. I'm ready to not constantly think about IF, I want it to not be the focus of my life.

Rationally, I know this is all impossible. We have decisions to make and plans to finalize. After many tears, talks and praying, we've decided to take on IVF. We have also decided against PGD and are still discussing ordering DS as back up. These were not easy decisions to make and I still am worried about the consequences of our choices but what it came down to was C. C told me even if the chance of success was .001%, he had to take it. He wants a biological child and is going to give it his all.

He is right. We want a child and even though IVF scares the hell out of me, we are going to try. We know that we are going to face a lot of criticism from people for doing IVF, for not doing PGD and for basically every decision we made but it's our decision and the one we are most comfortable with.

I just pray that it all works out.

Anxious

I am getting so anxious the closer we get to the 21st, I want the next eleven days to just fly by. I'm ready to know the outcome and start making plans for the coming year. We have confirmation our insurance is covering the procedures and the biopsy slides from C's biopsy are on their way to Dr. L so I'm just waiting now. I can't help but think about the implications of having these procedures done 4 days before Christmas though. We are either going to have a very depressing Christmas or a very joyous one. Personally, I'm leaning toward joyous but you never can know. I'm trying to stay positive though and have convinced myself that we will be starting our IVF journey soon. I just can't even comprehend an outcome other then finding sperm. My mind will briefly ponder the possibility of more devastating news but then it leaps right back to hope, which is either a really good place to be or a really good way to avoid dealing with it.

As for C, he is not too worried just yet. We talk a lot about IVF and how to plan 2010 around that. I did have to explain what an enema was and why he had to have one before the procedures. The look on his face was priceless! Poor guy is being such a champ about all this. He seldom mentions how deep his desire to be a father is but the other day, he had me in tears. He mentioned that when we hang out with our BFFs and their kids, it gets hard for him. He watches me holding one of the little ones or chases after them himself and he said he never fails to think, "Why can't one of these be ours?" Aye, I have to give this man a child. It broke my heart to hear that. I can deal with IF but I can't stand seeing Carlos hurt, he is my Achilles heel.

So IF, we are done with you. You made a HUGE mistake messing with us, I don't take kindly to seeing my sexy man in pain. We will be kicking your ass in 2010. Be prepared b/c we fight dirty and we never give up.