This time of year

It was interesting having my niece here. She's 5 months old and adorable but she ripped my heart out. I kept insisting that she looked a lot like me and sure enough, people would comment on how much she looked like me. That would make me so happy and yet so sad. I would look at her and think, "wow, I wish she was mine." and I would dream of all the outfits I would put her in, the places I would take her and the books I would read to her. It's not that I begrudge my sister her happiness or her baby, I just desperately wish I had a baby. I can remember telling my then-pregnant sister and my sister-in-law last Christmas that by this Christmas, I would either be pregnant or have a tiny baby. I was so sure that it would happen for us this year, we even bought a small SUV in anticipation of my pregnancy.

But, here I am, no baby and no pregnancy. TTC for 20 months and all we have to show for it is medical bills, scars and lots of broken dreams. What the &^%# went wrong and more importantly, why? Now, I try not to question this journey we are on, we're on it for a reason but man oh man, this time of year wreaks havoc on my heart. As I fill out Christmas cards, I wish I was including a baby picture, as I shop for gifts, I wish I was shopping for my baby and as we go about doing our Christmas traditions, I wish that our baby was here to experience them with us. I wish, I wish, I wish....for so much. But, don't we all?

Depressing as this post may be, I promise I am not all doom and gloom all the time. It just strikes me at certain moments and throws me for a loop. We are eagerly anticipating C's procedures, which are 2 weeks from Monday. Well, I can't really say that C is looking forward to his rectal ultrasound but he is looking forward to finding out where the sperm is hiding! I am beyond thinking that we will find nothing, although I know how possible that is. I am thinking that we will find sperm, freeze it and move forward with IVF next year. The power of positive thinking! Let's hope I am right!

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Getting in gear

I have been so overwhelmed and unable to focus on the good that came out of our second opinion, it’s really annoying. All I ever seem to think about is sperm, ovulation, doctors, medical bills and it’s a lot of what I talk about too. I swear I used to be interesting and have a sense of humor! IF already messes you up enough without it completely taking over your life. I really have to kick my butt in gear and start being happy. Or at least try. I really just can’t keep going down this same path of fear, doubt and sadness, it doesn’t help.

I mean, come on! We found sperm! The doctor thinks we’ll be able to get me pregnant! IVF is no walk in the park but I can do it! I can do this. I can stare IF in the face and not blink because I will kick its ass. I will have a baby. I will constantly rub my baby bump, buy way too much baby stuff and argue over names with Carlos. I will gleefully invite everyone I know to my baby shower (or at least whomever is throwing my shower will) and I will decorate the cutest nursery, ever. I will have a baby, damnit!

I had stopped buying baby stuff for myself because it hurt so damn much. I hid what little I already had in the very back of my closet and I avoided baby sections in stores like the plague. Well…I bought a onesie. Yep, I bought the sweetest little onesie for my baby. I saw it at Target and fell in love. So, I bought it and it felt so good. It says, “wishes do come true”. Yep, they do and one day I will be holding my wish.