Talking Marriage

Yet another sleepless night, I've noticed these tend to happen when I have a lot on my mind. So many thoughts and feelings tumbling around in my mind always equals no sleep and countless hours playing on my phone while the night passes. I'm currently sitting at my kitchen table, the only light coming from my laptop and my headphones hooked up to my iphone so I can listen to music while I type this. Even the dogs are asleep, having given up on me about two hours ago. It's fine because sad country music is the perfect muse to get all these feelings out anyway.

It seems my life is currently at an impasse. Or, rather, my relationship is. We've been dating almost 11 months. I'm not quite sure how that happened. It seems like just yesterday we were walking the beach and spending sultry Summer nights making out and drinking beer. I feel like I blinked and here I am, almost a year later, with a wonderful boyfriend who mentioned marriage to me. Like, he legit said to me that it would be a year soon and wouldn't that be a great time to get engaged. And because I'm a giddy little schoolgirl, part of me squealed and thought about pretty wedding dresses and flowers and cake. Then, the other part of me, the cynical, practical, marriage-wary grown up, heard the screeching sound of brakes being abruptly put on.

I'm not sure if I want to get married again but I do know for sure that I'm definitely not wanting to get married now, not quite 19 months after my split. I just can't even flirt with the idea, because when I do toy with it and look online at rings, my left hand just starts to feel heavy. I start to freak out a little and to be honest I can't stand the thought of a ring on my hand. The idea of being Mrs. Cowboy seriously makes my heart sink. Clearly, I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure I'll ever want to be Mrs. Somebody again. I just can't picture that. I don't know, maybe it's still the bitterness but I just can't.

We talked about this last month and I thought we were on the same page but I'm not quite so sure anymore. This man wants to marry me and I'm over here freaking out about the mere idea. I love him, he's a wonderful guy and in so many ways, he's perfection. We're a great match. But (and why in the hell does there have to be a but?) something just feels off to me and that makes me feel absolutely awful.

Of course, there's always the distinct possibility that I am WAY over thinking this and just having normal anxieties after everything that happened with XH. But, it's not fair to him to keep him waiting while I figure that out. Him and I need to have a major talk and I am dreading it so much. Fuck man! This whole relationship thing is hard.