Ok, let's put all the drama with XH behind us, shall we? I'm so over talking about him and our marriage. I was able to work through a lot of the last lingering issues thanks to his recent bout of craziness and that is an amazing feeling! I've been so scared of marrying M because of those issues and now I feel 100% about it all. He's a truly great guy and just gets me so much that it's crazy. I feel like I can be myself with him and that is truly such a wonderful feeling!
We've been discussing wedding plans off and on since we got engaged but have been too busy to really do anything beyond that. I never imagined I'd be planning at wedding at 33 but it's kinda fun to look at dresses, flowers, and fabulous shoes! Plus Pinterest wasn't around the first time I got married so that adds even more fun to the whole thing! We have decided on a destination wedding in New Orleans, our favorite city, probably sometime in the Fall. I'll be joined by 2 bridesmaids and he has his best man. Other than that, we have no clue about anything else. We do know that we are keeping things very small and not inviting anybody beyond our immediate families and best friends. Neither of us wants a circus...or drama!
Of course these plans are subject to change, if I get pregnant. We are still loosely trying, I'm not charting or anything like that, we're just not using protection. My cycles are still all over the place so I'm not surprised that nothing has happened yet. While a baby is very much desired, I'm trying to be positive and not too negative about not being knocked up yet. Sometimes that works very well for me and other times...it's a struggle. I recently gave my sister a baby shower and it really didn't bother me the way baby showers use to, which was both surprising and relieving. I did have an ache in my empty ute but it didn't send me into a downward spiral or drive me to tears after everyone left, which I call progress!
Progress indeed, but I have to admit that my recent birthday did sting a little. Not that 33 is old, but because I always thought I'd be a mom by now. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm not, the timing hasn't been right up until now and the guy was all wrong! But I still thought I'd have kids by now. That was the "plan" anyway. Ahh, no quicker way to make God laugh than to tell Him your plans!
I don't know if anything will turn out the way I plan but I'm hopeful!
Showing posts with label starting over. Show all posts
Showing posts with label starting over. Show all posts
February 10, 2016
February 3, 2016
Dear Ex-Husband
The other night, you were so kind to help me with my car issues, seeing how M and I aren't exactly mechanically inclined. Yeah, it's a little odd to see you and M occupy the same physical space but we are all grown ups and handled it so well. You two were even talking and laughing, which made it less awkward and I'm grateful. It makes me happy to see the two of you raising above any perceived slights and bad feelings. You made it slightly awkward when you kept bringing up memories and telling him stories about me from our marriage but M laughed it off in the moment and teased me.
After you finished up with the car, and M excused himself to return some work calls, you and I lingered to talk about house stuff, our families, and how work has been for each of us. I'm not sure where we derailed into talking about our divorce and marriage but I see now that I should have immediately shut that down and made you leave. But, you refused to give me answers for so long that it's nice to now finally know the whys and hows. I've spent the better part of the last 3 years since our split thinking I was a failure at marriage, it's nice to know that you don't see it that way. It helps ease my guilt.
I have worked hard, and in lots of therapy sessions, to deal with my issues and correct them to the best of my ability. I am quite amazed at how far I have come since 2012. I am much happier, more confident, my germ issues have resolved, and I am so much more relaxed. I am no longer quick to anger now and my rage takes a lot to bubble up, my patience has multiplied tremendously. I am SO damn proud of myself.
For you to undermine all that hard work, frankly, pisses me off. To stand there and listen to you tell me that I'm not logical, that I'm high strung, and that you think I'm "ghetto" (which, eww, racist much?!) really and truly upset me. Not for long, mind you, because your words mean very little, coming from a man who doesn't know me anymore and who left me for another woman. But for a minute there, I was floored and quite pissed off.
For you, XH, who is the most uptight person I have ever encountered, to have such opinions about me is laughable. You view emotions as weakness and can't fathom why family should matter as much as they do to me. You care so much what other people think of you, which is odd considering how cold and cruel you can be, that you act stiffly at all times. You are so detached from emotion that you seem robotic. And while you can be funny, you are often funny at the expense of other people. Your refusal to bend is infuriating. Your arrogance about your own looks and sexual skills are laughable. You expect too much from people, especially from your partner.
I was mentally and emotionally broken at the end of our marriage, not just from losing my Dad, but from your constant judgment, snide remarks, and passive aggressive behavior. The house was never clean enough, I never cooked enough, I wasn't strict enough with the dogs, I wasn't saving enough money, I didn't dress right, my insomnia annoyed you because you insisted we go to bed at the same time and threw a fit if I wanted to stay up because Heaven forbid I wasn't tired when you were. I scrubbed the bathtub 6 damn times every time I cleaned it, lest you come home and sneer at me because it wasn't clean enough. I was CONVINCED that I was the crazy one because you told me I was. That all our problems were in my head. That I misread your words and actions because I liked drama. You told me these things over and over again. I believed you. I hated myself. I hated everything and everyone.
But no. None of that is true. You were simply an asshole. You were controlling and demanding and rude. You were emotionally abusive. It's taken a long time to see that, and the extent, but I do. It's hard to admit or talk about but I do. I rebuilt myself. I'm happy. And slightly messy because there is no one breathing down my neck to keep the house spotless at all times. I rarely wear makeup because IDGAF what other people think of my looks. I wear yoga pants to run errands. I drink rum when the mood strikes because nobody is saying I can't. I live my life for me and it's so fucking amazing and freeing that I want to weep from relief.
Get the fuck out with your gaslighting bullshit. Your attempts to try to start something with me are simply you trying to exert control over me again. I'm not having it. I don't hate you, although I probably should, I just feel nothing. And that is so, so wonderful.
After you finished up with the car, and M excused himself to return some work calls, you and I lingered to talk about house stuff, our families, and how work has been for each of us. I'm not sure where we derailed into talking about our divorce and marriage but I see now that I should have immediately shut that down and made you leave. But, you refused to give me answers for so long that it's nice to now finally know the whys and hows. I've spent the better part of the last 3 years since our split thinking I was a failure at marriage, it's nice to know that you don't see it that way. It helps ease my guilt.
I have worked hard, and in lots of therapy sessions, to deal with my issues and correct them to the best of my ability. I am quite amazed at how far I have come since 2012. I am much happier, more confident, my germ issues have resolved, and I am so much more relaxed. I am no longer quick to anger now and my rage takes a lot to bubble up, my patience has multiplied tremendously. I am SO damn proud of myself.
For you to undermine all that hard work, frankly, pisses me off. To stand there and listen to you tell me that I'm not logical, that I'm high strung, and that you think I'm "ghetto" (which, eww, racist much?!) really and truly upset me. Not for long, mind you, because your words mean very little, coming from a man who doesn't know me anymore and who left me for another woman. But for a minute there, I was floored and quite pissed off.
For you, XH, who is the most uptight person I have ever encountered, to have such opinions about me is laughable. You view emotions as weakness and can't fathom why family should matter as much as they do to me. You care so much what other people think of you, which is odd considering how cold and cruel you can be, that you act stiffly at all times. You are so detached from emotion that you seem robotic. And while you can be funny, you are often funny at the expense of other people. Your refusal to bend is infuriating. Your arrogance about your own looks and sexual skills are laughable. You expect too much from people, especially from your partner.
I was mentally and emotionally broken at the end of our marriage, not just from losing my Dad, but from your constant judgment, snide remarks, and passive aggressive behavior. The house was never clean enough, I never cooked enough, I wasn't strict enough with the dogs, I wasn't saving enough money, I didn't dress right, my insomnia annoyed you because you insisted we go to bed at the same time and threw a fit if I wanted to stay up because Heaven forbid I wasn't tired when you were. I scrubbed the bathtub 6 damn times every time I cleaned it, lest you come home and sneer at me because it wasn't clean enough. I was CONVINCED that I was the crazy one because you told me I was. That all our problems were in my head. That I misread your words and actions because I liked drama. You told me these things over and over again. I believed you. I hated myself. I hated everything and everyone.
But no. None of that is true. You were simply an asshole. You were controlling and demanding and rude. You were emotionally abusive. It's taken a long time to see that, and the extent, but I do. It's hard to admit or talk about but I do. I rebuilt myself. I'm happy. And slightly messy because there is no one breathing down my neck to keep the house spotless at all times. I rarely wear makeup because IDGAF what other people think of my looks. I wear yoga pants to run errands. I drink rum when the mood strikes because nobody is saying I can't. I live my life for me and it's so fucking amazing and freeing that I want to weep from relief.
Get the fuck out with your gaslighting bullshit. Your attempts to try to start something with me are simply you trying to exert control over me again. I'm not having it. I don't hate you, although I probably should, I just feel nothing. And that is so, so wonderful.
January 15, 2016
Grateful Friday
It's been an emotional day week, I think I need to remind myself of all the goodness even more so today than usually.
This week I am grateful for:
* two hour conversations with my BFF in Arkansas, I miss her face so much
* quality time with my nieces, they make me laugh and laugh
* visiting my preemie nephew, he is truly a miracle
* A wonderful FI who cooks, massages my back, and handles my moodiness like a pro
* gossiping with my sister and SIL
* repeat photography clients
* supportive friends who soften blows
* accepting an offer on the house!!
Today I signed and we are officially under contract. It is the strangest, most bittersweet feeling. I think I'm pissed. I'm mad that this gorgeous house isn't mine anymore, that I never saw it reach it's full potential. I'm mad about everything it was suppose to mean, what it ended up meaning, and now what it will mean. XH and I had such plans for this house, and while we probably rushed into having this house built, it was such a beacon of hope after losing my Dad. Instead, XH spent a total of 5 nights in this house before leaving me, and I rebuilt myself within these walls. So many emotions stirring inside me.
I'm hopeful that bigger and better is on the horizon. And freedom. Sweet, wonderful freedom from dealing with XH and that feels pretty exciting.
This week I am grateful for:
* two hour conversations with my BFF in Arkansas, I miss her face so much
* quality time with my nieces, they make me laugh and laugh
* visiting my preemie nephew, he is truly a miracle
* A wonderful FI who cooks, massages my back, and handles my moodiness like a pro
* gossiping with my sister and SIL
* repeat photography clients
* supportive friends who soften blows
* accepting an offer on the house!!
Today I signed and we are officially under contract. It is the strangest, most bittersweet feeling. I think I'm pissed. I'm mad that this gorgeous house isn't mine anymore, that I never saw it reach it's full potential. I'm mad about everything it was suppose to mean, what it ended up meaning, and now what it will mean. XH and I had such plans for this house, and while we probably rushed into having this house built, it was such a beacon of hope after losing my Dad. Instead, XH spent a total of 5 nights in this house before leaving me, and I rebuilt myself within these walls. So many emotions stirring inside me.
I'm hopeful that bigger and better is on the horizon. And freedom. Sweet, wonderful freedom from dealing with XH and that feels pretty exciting.
October 13, 2015
Emotional Month
What a month it has been; non-stop work, family activities, house stuff, and just being plain old busy has occupied almost every day. I barely have time to catch my breath! Along with being busy, some health issues have popped up so I'm trying my best to not overwhelm myself too much. I want to just pause time a little and enjoy my favorite month slowly!
October is such a fun month but it's also packed with some emotional baggage. XH and I split up three years ago this month. I didn't even realize the date until late that night when I finally checked my Timehop app. I was surprised that I hadn't remembered and laughed at myself a little. I was so utterly destroyed a mere three years ago and now here I am, it's been quite a journey and transformation. What started out as total devastation ended up being the most amazing opportunity for me. If I could go back in time I wouldn't change a thing, I'm exactly where I want to be and I am exactly who I want to be. I'm so damn grateful for the last three years because the beauty that sprung up out of so much ugly has been just completely mind-blowing.
October is also the month that my Dad started hospice. Four years ago this month, we started his final journey. I'm sad that it's already creeping up on four years since he died. So much has changed and is continuing to change and I just desperately wish he were here to experience it all with us. I miss him with an ache that I feel deep to my soul. I can't explain how it feels so differently from other grief I've experienced and I can't express just how deeply the cut goes but I can tell you that living with it is sometimes very hard. Time has helped me adjust to living with it though but that doesn't make it easier, it just makes it manageable.
What I've learned though is that life goes on and you can either keep up with it or get left behind. I chose to not only keep up but to toss laughter, sarcasm, and pink glitter everywhere I go...with just a dash of hope. Because the best way to counteract the sad parts is with all the good you can!
October is such a fun month but it's also packed with some emotional baggage. XH and I split up three years ago this month. I didn't even realize the date until late that night when I finally checked my Timehop app. I was surprised that I hadn't remembered and laughed at myself a little. I was so utterly destroyed a mere three years ago and now here I am, it's been quite a journey and transformation. What started out as total devastation ended up being the most amazing opportunity for me. If I could go back in time I wouldn't change a thing, I'm exactly where I want to be and I am exactly who I want to be. I'm so damn grateful for the last three years because the beauty that sprung up out of so much ugly has been just completely mind-blowing.
October is also the month that my Dad started hospice. Four years ago this month, we started his final journey. I'm sad that it's already creeping up on four years since he died. So much has changed and is continuing to change and I just desperately wish he were here to experience it all with us. I miss him with an ache that I feel deep to my soul. I can't explain how it feels so differently from other grief I've experienced and I can't express just how deeply the cut goes but I can tell you that living with it is sometimes very hard. Time has helped me adjust to living with it though but that doesn't make it easier, it just makes it manageable.
What I've learned though is that life goes on and you can either keep up with it or get left behind. I chose to not only keep up but to toss laughter, sarcasm, and pink glitter everywhere I go...with just a dash of hope. Because the best way to counteract the sad parts is with all the good you can!
September 21, 2015
The future
Life has been a whirlwind lately! M's new job is going wonderfully and adjusting to his new schedule has been easier than anticipated. He's off Fridays and Saturdays and since I'm listing the house for sale in December, we spend those two days working on house stuff. So much painting and clearing out closets, drawers, and cabinets! I'm so dreading actually packing everything up but we decided to go ahead and pack up the Spring/Summer stuff since we don't really need it anymore. Our to-do list is a mile long but I know we're get it all done in time, hopefully at least!
It's definitely bittersweet to be leaving this house. On one hand, it's a relief to know I'll soon be free from dealing with XH but on the other hand, I'll miss all the space and potential this house has. I'll also miss having my family living with me! They've been such a blessing, even when we're all cranky about how often the dishwasher is run or someone taking too long to get their clothes out of the dryer! My feelings about this house are complicated, it was the final straw in my first marriage ending but it's also where I healed, started two businesses, and started my life with M.
Speaking of M, we're looking at places. I'm unsure if we'll buy or rent, I'm not finding anything that fits my vision for the future to buy but I dread the idea of returning to renting after seven years of homeowner-ship. I guess we'll see the closer we get to December. I am excited to have privacy with M though! It'll be nice to set up our home together and maybe adopt a couple more pets.
The future is bright and I love it!
It's definitely bittersweet to be leaving this house. On one hand, it's a relief to know I'll soon be free from dealing with XH but on the other hand, I'll miss all the space and potential this house has. I'll also miss having my family living with me! They've been such a blessing, even when we're all cranky about how often the dishwasher is run or someone taking too long to get their clothes out of the dryer! My feelings about this house are complicated, it was the final straw in my first marriage ending but it's also where I healed, started two businesses, and started my life with M.
Speaking of M, we're looking at places. I'm unsure if we'll buy or rent, I'm not finding anything that fits my vision for the future to buy but I dread the idea of returning to renting after seven years of homeowner-ship. I guess we'll see the closer we get to December. I am excited to have privacy with M though! It'll be nice to set up our home together and maybe adopt a couple more pets.
The future is bright and I love it!
July 14, 2015
Wedding Anniversaries
Tomorrow would have been my ninth wedding anniversary. It's such an awkward date to remember now. But I can't help but remember it. Most of the important days from that relationship are just etched into my mind- our first kiss, our first date, the date we became "us", the day he proposed, the dates we bought our houses, and of course, the date we split up. A long history spanning from 1999 to 2013, I guess you're just bound to remember after that long. Those days mostly pass without me really feeling anything, or remembering if I don't prompt myself. But this one is actually giving me a little bit of a pause.
A pause to reflect a little. I never imagined nine years ago that our outcome would end up so drastically different from what we envisioned. No one does though, who plans for divorce? The first few years of our marriage weren't bad, I have fond memories. Everything started going downhill after the azoo dx and came to a halt when my father died. He actually came to me a mere three months after my Dad's death to tell me that his feelings for me had changed. But we stuck it out for a few more months, moving back to TX and everything in hopes that we would find our way out of such a bad place. It never happened, obviously.
Instead, I write this as a divorced woman, who has happily moved on and found something with a man I never dreamed was a reality. I'm a very blunt, honest person, it's both my best and worst quality. But I just couldn't be honest with myself in my marriage. Not that I'm too hard on myself about that, the hardest thing is being honest with yourself. I will gladly hold up the truth mirror for others but when it comes to catching a glimpse of myself, I avoid it at all costs. I'd like to think I've changed that aspect of myself but I'm not really sure. I guess it's still hard for me to face the truth.
But, the truth is, my marriage failed and that sucks. Not because I miss XH or yearn for a life with him, but because I failed. I know he shares the blame, believe me, but I'm not responsible for his failings, only my own. And my own hurt me more than he ever did. I think part of the reason I'm so adamant about not remarrying is because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to hold up my end of the bargain. I failed once, I really, really don't want to fail again. I can't do that to myself or to a man who loves me.
Of course, I am only a couple years post-divorce, who knows how I'll feel in the future. I have hope that I'll learn to forgive myself...and trust myself again.
A pause to reflect a little. I never imagined nine years ago that our outcome would end up so drastically different from what we envisioned. No one does though, who plans for divorce? The first few years of our marriage weren't bad, I have fond memories. Everything started going downhill after the azoo dx and came to a halt when my father died. He actually came to me a mere three months after my Dad's death to tell me that his feelings for me had changed. But we stuck it out for a few more months, moving back to TX and everything in hopes that we would find our way out of such a bad place. It never happened, obviously.
Instead, I write this as a divorced woman, who has happily moved on and found something with a man I never dreamed was a reality. I'm a very blunt, honest person, it's both my best and worst quality. But I just couldn't be honest with myself in my marriage. Not that I'm too hard on myself about that, the hardest thing is being honest with yourself. I will gladly hold up the truth mirror for others but when it comes to catching a glimpse of myself, I avoid it at all costs. I'd like to think I've changed that aspect of myself but I'm not really sure. I guess it's still hard for me to face the truth.
But, the truth is, my marriage failed and that sucks. Not because I miss XH or yearn for a life with him, but because I failed. I know he shares the blame, believe me, but I'm not responsible for his failings, only my own. And my own hurt me more than he ever did. I think part of the reason I'm so adamant about not remarrying is because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to hold up my end of the bargain. I failed once, I really, really don't want to fail again. I can't do that to myself or to a man who loves me.
Of course, I am only a couple years post-divorce, who knows how I'll feel in the future. I have hope that I'll learn to forgive myself...and trust myself again.
May 5, 2015
Roller Coaster, yet again
I had a weird dream the other night. It featured a scary roller coaster and a transforming seatmate who was first XH, who then morphed into the Cowboy. It was very unsettling. And very indicative of my current thoughts. The last few weeks I've been talking to XH, we've been discussing house and legal matters. But, we aren't the type to keep things from getting personal so of course we end up chatting about mutual friends, our families, and updating each other on our personal lives. In hindsight, I see how stupid that is.
He's being nice, he's being the XH I knew when I first married him. But of course, that's not the XH who left me for another woman or who yelled horrible things at me or who was so manipulative and emotionally abusive during the last two years of our marriage. And he's also waxing poetic about our marriage and what ended it. All so stupid and of course I listen and engage the stupid. I'm frustrated with myself.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not over here daydreaming about a reconciliation. I very much love the Cowboy. It's just part of me that is still seeking vindication and answers seems to engage with XH because I want solid proof that I wasn't a completely terrible wife who trashed her marriage. Which, rationally, I know. But my heart isn't as convinced and I can't help how I feel. But it sure sucks. XH and I split up over two and half years ago, I'm so over wondering about the demise of my supposed forever.
It's really impeccable timing too. I'm having my much hated Mirena IUD removed at the end of the month and we're discussing and looking at engagement rings. I still don't think highly of marriage (for myself) but I do like the idea of rings to symbolize our commitment to each other. We already live together, share bills, a life, etc so it already feels very much like marriage just without the titles and I'm perfectly ok with that. I kind of prefer it actually.
It's like XH could sense that though. He knows nothing of my life with the Cowboy because I choose to not share that part of my life with him. I don't think it's appropriate and the Cowboy isn't comfortable with XH knowing anything about us either. XH occasionally asks but I just tell him everything is fine and change the subject.
Divorce is hard. It just seems to continue haunting me at the oddest moments. I really don't want to be dealing with the fallout for years and years because that's just depressing. I just want to totally and completely put it behind me. While I'm glad the divorce roller coaster isn't moving as much as it use to, I'd much prefer it be parked and over. I want off completely.
I'm working on my need for vindication but in the mean time, I'm firmly back to limiting contact to XH with emails only. And enjoying life with my Cowboy, because life is so very good right now and I'm really happy.
He's being nice, he's being the XH I knew when I first married him. But of course, that's not the XH who left me for another woman or who yelled horrible things at me or who was so manipulative and emotionally abusive during the last two years of our marriage. And he's also waxing poetic about our marriage and what ended it. All so stupid and of course I listen and engage the stupid. I'm frustrated with myself.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not over here daydreaming about a reconciliation. I very much love the Cowboy. It's just part of me that is still seeking vindication and answers seems to engage with XH because I want solid proof that I wasn't a completely terrible wife who trashed her marriage. Which, rationally, I know. But my heart isn't as convinced and I can't help how I feel. But it sure sucks. XH and I split up over two and half years ago, I'm so over wondering about the demise of my supposed forever.
It's really impeccable timing too. I'm having my much hated Mirena IUD removed at the end of the month and we're discussing and looking at engagement rings. I still don't think highly of marriage (for myself) but I do like the idea of rings to symbolize our commitment to each other. We already live together, share bills, a life, etc so it already feels very much like marriage just without the titles and I'm perfectly ok with that. I kind of prefer it actually.
It's like XH could sense that though. He knows nothing of my life with the Cowboy because I choose to not share that part of my life with him. I don't think it's appropriate and the Cowboy isn't comfortable with XH knowing anything about us either. XH occasionally asks but I just tell him everything is fine and change the subject.
Divorce is hard. It just seems to continue haunting me at the oddest moments. I really don't want to be dealing with the fallout for years and years because that's just depressing. I just want to totally and completely put it behind me. While I'm glad the divorce roller coaster isn't moving as much as it use to, I'd much prefer it be parked and over. I want off completely.
I'm working on my need for vindication but in the mean time, I'm firmly back to limiting contact to XH with emails only. And enjoying life with my Cowboy, because life is so very good right now and I'm really happy.
March 26, 2015
Triggers
I woke up early today, the dogs clamoring to be let outside. A storm was rolling in, the rain and thunder were so relaxing to hear. I puttered around; getting dog food out, putting away dishes, seeing M off to work. Soon enough the rainy weather died out and gave away to wind and a bright, blue, cloudless sky. I settled in to start my work day but kept getting distracted by that brilliant sky. Eventually I made my way outside, to smoke a cigarette (yes, it's nasty but a habit I've picked up) and sit under that sky. Something about that damn sky triggered memories that started running through my mind, happy memories but memories involving people from my past that I seldom think about much anymore.
I just sat there seeing, quite vividly, these stolen glimpses at a life I no longer lead. I've made as much peace as possible with the ugly I've been through. Sure there's still some room to improve and some hurdles left to clear. But, for the most part, I'm perfectly happy with where I am. I don't have the need to frequently be sitting around reminiscing about the past. I don't have the urge I used to have to go back to how things use to be. I'm ok. I survived. I fucking thrived.
I stood up, ready to shake off those memories and finish up my day. I tossed the cigarette out and made my way inside. Leaving that beautiful, blue sky and all those memories outside...until the next time something tugs at the corners of my mind and I surrender to the tidal wave.
I just sat there seeing, quite vividly, these stolen glimpses at a life I no longer lead. I've made as much peace as possible with the ugly I've been through. Sure there's still some room to improve and some hurdles left to clear. But, for the most part, I'm perfectly happy with where I am. I don't have the need to frequently be sitting around reminiscing about the past. I don't have the urge I used to have to go back to how things use to be. I'm ok. I survived. I fucking thrived.
I stood up, ready to shake off those memories and finish up my day. I tossed the cigarette out and made my way inside. Leaving that beautiful, blue sky and all those memories outside...until the next time something tugs at the corners of my mind and I surrender to the tidal wave.
October 8, 2014
My Non-iversary
October 10th will mark my second non-iversary, aka the day I found out my marriage was over. It is really mind-blowing that it has already been two years since that happened. I can remember that day pretty well. I got my hair done that day, had it cut and dyed red. I had plans to meet a cousin for drinks. At that point, XH and I hadn't spoken in about a week. He'd asked for some time with no contact so he could think and figure out his feelings. I was naive enough to think he'd be fine but I was also scared out of my damn mind. I could barely function and remember showing up at my big brother's house late one night to cry on his shoulder and get his advice. He was and is the closest to my Dad I can hope to get in regards to advice. He reassured me that XH was being a crybaby attention whore and that everything would be fine.
Yeah, imagine my shock when in the middle of my margarita, my phone rang and it was XH calling to shatter my heart into millions of pieces. I remember sliding off my barstool and walking outside so we could talk without a loud bar in the background. It was still light out and there was a nice Fall breeze that evening. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as he started chatting about work, like he hadn't just ignored me for a fucking week. I softly asked him what was going on and if we were ever going to talk about it. He said yeah, what do you want to know? So, I took a deep breath and asked, "Do you want a divorce?" He was really quiet for a good 5 minutes before answering softly, "Yes." I started to cry and hung up on him. He tried calling back a couple of times but I didn't answer. My cousin took me home and I told my family, all while sobbing.
I don't really remember the weeks following that. I remember lots of angry phone calls that ended in yelling. I remember lots of drunk nights where I sat under my covered porch, listening to sad music, and crying. I'd stumble to bed around 4am and pass out, wake up around 1pm, unable to eat or get out of bed and I'd start drinking around 5. Rinse and repeat for about two months. It was so fucking awful. I could barely function. My family hovered and damn, they were just so incredible. My mom, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends just really rallied around me. I am so thankful for those incredible people!
I didn't start really getting better until around February. But, once I turned that corner, I didn't look back. I took off and became the best Amanda I've ever been. I met M that June and promptly fell in love.
Looking back, I am amazed that I got through that. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and yes, it was way harder than watching my Dad die. But I did it, I survived and not only did I survive, I am thriving now! I am gleefully celebrating my 2 year non-iversary because it symbolizes my rebirth. I am very proud of myself. Starting over is damn hard but it's very do-able and once you get past the worst, you will be so glad it happened. If you're anything like me, you'll even feel grateful to the sorry SOB that left you because it was the best thing he ever did for you.
So, Happy 2nd Non-iversary to me! I'm so glad it happened and I'm so glad I survived!
Yeah, imagine my shock when in the middle of my margarita, my phone rang and it was XH calling to shatter my heart into millions of pieces. I remember sliding off my barstool and walking outside so we could talk without a loud bar in the background. It was still light out and there was a nice Fall breeze that evening. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as he started chatting about work, like he hadn't just ignored me for a fucking week. I softly asked him what was going on and if we were ever going to talk about it. He said yeah, what do you want to know? So, I took a deep breath and asked, "Do you want a divorce?" He was really quiet for a good 5 minutes before answering softly, "Yes." I started to cry and hung up on him. He tried calling back a couple of times but I didn't answer. My cousin took me home and I told my family, all while sobbing.
I don't really remember the weeks following that. I remember lots of angry phone calls that ended in yelling. I remember lots of drunk nights where I sat under my covered porch, listening to sad music, and crying. I'd stumble to bed around 4am and pass out, wake up around 1pm, unable to eat or get out of bed and I'd start drinking around 5. Rinse and repeat for about two months. It was so fucking awful. I could barely function. My family hovered and damn, they were just so incredible. My mom, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends just really rallied around me. I am so thankful for those incredible people!
I didn't start really getting better until around February. But, once I turned that corner, I didn't look back. I took off and became the best Amanda I've ever been. I met M that June and promptly fell in love.
Looking back, I am amazed that I got through that. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and yes, it was way harder than watching my Dad die. But I did it, I survived and not only did I survive, I am thriving now! I am gleefully celebrating my 2 year non-iversary because it symbolizes my rebirth. I am very proud of myself. Starting over is damn hard but it's very do-able and once you get past the worst, you will be so glad it happened. If you're anything like me, you'll even feel grateful to the sorry SOB that left you because it was the best thing he ever did for you.
So, Happy 2nd Non-iversary to me! I'm so glad it happened and I'm so glad I survived!
September 11, 2014
Things suck lately
Things lately have been not great. My health issues are popping up again and this time around, it scares the hell out of me. The first time this health stuff came to to light I was still in my twenties, married, and covered by his awesome health insurance. This time around, so much is different. It's scary and expensive and I can feel awfully alone. Because in true Amanda fashion, I'm not talking a lot about this stuff IRL. If it is brought up, I downplay it. It's overwhelming to just think about it, so my reasoning is that talking about it would probably throw me over the edge.
And now I have a huge pit in my stomach because this week sucked and now I'm going to talk about why. Ugh. XH is engaged. To the woman he left me for and emotionally cheated with. The young, tall, thin woman who I'd love to call a bunch of nasty names but am too much of a lady to do so. Just kidding, I totally would just let 'em out but I can't do the whole "shame the OW thing", it's just silly at this point. Although some days my tongue just can't be held and those days usually involve rum and a night out with the girls.
It didn't hurt, even if my pride did slightly cringe, my heart had no reaction. It irked me but in the super mature way of- "Fuck no, he can't win! He needs to be dumped!" I don't want him or to go back in time and redo all the damage for a second chance because my life now rocks (let's just ignore my health issues!) and I'm no longer the same Amanda I was back then. But wow, he sure still manages to surprise me. Engaged already. And to her. My pride is more than cringing, it's wanting to crawl under a rock with a bottle of rum.
I never imagined this being my life and most of the time, that is a positive thing because I'm happier now than I was then. But, then there are those moments where it sinks in deeper than I'd like and it aches something fierce. Times when my pride is wounded and the memories invade. Times when the depth of the hurt can't be denied. These times are fleeting and very rare. I usually stop, lick my wounds in private, enjoy some wine, and then keep on trucking.
I'll feel better tomorrow, today I'm going to wallow a little.
And now I have a huge pit in my stomach because this week sucked and now I'm going to talk about why. Ugh. XH is engaged. To the woman he left me for and emotionally cheated with. The young, tall, thin woman who I'd love to call a bunch of nasty names but am too much of a lady to do so. Just kidding, I totally would just let 'em out but I can't do the whole "shame the OW thing", it's just silly at this point. Although some days my tongue just can't be held and those days usually involve rum and a night out with the girls.
It didn't hurt, even if my pride did slightly cringe, my heart had no reaction. It irked me but in the super mature way of- "Fuck no, he can't win! He needs to be dumped!" I don't want him or to go back in time and redo all the damage for a second chance because my life now rocks (let's just ignore my health issues!) and I'm no longer the same Amanda I was back then. But wow, he sure still manages to surprise me. Engaged already. And to her. My pride is more than cringing, it's wanting to crawl under a rock with a bottle of rum.
I never imagined this being my life and most of the time, that is a positive thing because I'm happier now than I was then. But, then there are those moments where it sinks in deeper than I'd like and it aches something fierce. Times when my pride is wounded and the memories invade. Times when the depth of the hurt can't be denied. These times are fleeting and very rare. I usually stop, lick my wounds in private, enjoy some wine, and then keep on trucking.
I'll feel better tomorrow, today I'm going to wallow a little.
June 2, 2014
Me Without Him
Around this time last year, things really started turning around for me. Much of the post-split haze had lifted and my anti-depressant medications had been adjusted and were working wonderfully. I still had moments of weakness, and those would continue for a few more months, but for the most part I had turned a corner. It was an amazing feeling. It felt like I had reclaimed my life for me and like I was finally living my life for myself and nobody else. I was free!
I took my freedom and ran with it. I started out slowly- decorating my house however I desired, added pink touches to my bedroom, spread my makeup out on the bathroom counter and took over the entire master closet. Then I started drinking whenever the urge struck, something XH didn't "allow". I covered his side of the bed in magazines, books, my Nook and my laptop so they were always within arms reach. Then I started going out a lot and making out with random guys in bars. Around this time last year, I had my first ever one night stand. It was quickly followed by a couple more because why not? I was all over OKC, flirting with guys via messaging and having a blast. Of course, I met the Cowboy not long after but the fun didn't stop because I was in a relationship! If anything, it's gotten even more fun!
I was with XH for 13 years, I never experienced a lot of things because I spent my twenties engaged, married and dealing with IF. I never knew anything but life with him and discovering life without him has been one of my life's greatest adventures. I never knew how happy I could be. I never knew how high I could fly. I didn't know how much better I would be without him. Until my divorce. It took my divorce to show/teach me all of that. And now I know I could never go back, I've come too far. I know I've said it before but it's something I say often: Even on my worst days now, I'm still happier now than on my best days back then.
My marriage wasn't always bad, it once was great and once upon a time, we were in love and happy. But things changed and it became very toxic and unhealthy. I am grateful that it ended when it did. His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me because it saved me and gave me back to myself. It started me on a journey that has been the most amazing experience. I had a lot of dark days, especially at the beginning and I'm not exactly sure what got me through them. I suspect it was a joint effort between my faith, my family and friends and lots and lots of rum. I think my own stubbornness had a lot to do with it too though. I simply had to get through it because I knew in my heart that once I came out on the other side, my life would never be the same and that it would have changed for the better. It was very difficult to trust that instinct but I'm glad I did, I have no regrets. I think, in the end, it has all worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.
I'm where I need to be, I still have far to go but I know I'll get there. Right now, I'm just enjoying this great adventure I'm on and soaking up everything I can. This is me without him. And it's the life I've always hoped I'd live.
I took my freedom and ran with it. I started out slowly- decorating my house however I desired, added pink touches to my bedroom, spread my makeup out on the bathroom counter and took over the entire master closet. Then I started drinking whenever the urge struck, something XH didn't "allow". I covered his side of the bed in magazines, books, my Nook and my laptop so they were always within arms reach. Then I started going out a lot and making out with random guys in bars. Around this time last year, I had my first ever one night stand. It was quickly followed by a couple more because why not? I was all over OKC, flirting with guys via messaging and having a blast. Of course, I met the Cowboy not long after but the fun didn't stop because I was in a relationship! If anything, it's gotten even more fun!
I was with XH for 13 years, I never experienced a lot of things because I spent my twenties engaged, married and dealing with IF. I never knew anything but life with him and discovering life without him has been one of my life's greatest adventures. I never knew how happy I could be. I never knew how high I could fly. I didn't know how much better I would be without him. Until my divorce. It took my divorce to show/teach me all of that. And now I know I could never go back, I've come too far. I know I've said it before but it's something I say often: Even on my worst days now, I'm still happier now than on my best days back then.
My marriage wasn't always bad, it once was great and once upon a time, we were in love and happy. But things changed and it became very toxic and unhealthy. I am grateful that it ended when it did. His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me because it saved me and gave me back to myself. It started me on a journey that has been the most amazing experience. I had a lot of dark days, especially at the beginning and I'm not exactly sure what got me through them. I suspect it was a joint effort between my faith, my family and friends and lots and lots of rum. I think my own stubbornness had a lot to do with it too though. I simply had to get through it because I knew in my heart that once I came out on the other side, my life would never be the same and that it would have changed for the better. It was very difficult to trust that instinct but I'm glad I did, I have no regrets. I think, in the end, it has all worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.
I'm where I need to be, I still have far to go but I know I'll get there. Right now, I'm just enjoying this great adventure I'm on and soaking up everything I can. This is me without him. And it's the life I've always hoped I'd live.
April 29, 2014
Talking Marriage
Yet another sleepless night, I've noticed these tend to happen when I have a lot on my mind. So many thoughts and feelings tumbling around in my mind always equals no sleep and countless hours playing on my phone while the night passes. I'm currently sitting at my kitchen table, the only light coming from my laptop and my headphones hooked up to my iphone so I can listen to music while I type this. Even the dogs are asleep, having given up on me about two hours ago. It's fine because sad country music is the perfect muse to get all these feelings out anyway.
It seems my life is currently at an impasse. Or, rather, my relationship is. We've been dating almost 11 months. I'm not quite sure how that happened. It seems like just yesterday we were walking the beach and spending sultry Summer nights making out and drinking beer. I feel like I blinked and here I am, almost a year later, with a wonderful boyfriend who mentioned marriage to me. Like, he legit said to me that it would be a year soon and wouldn't that be a great time to get engaged. And because I'm a giddy little schoolgirl, part of me squealed and thought about pretty wedding dresses and flowers and cake. Then, the other part of me, the cynical, practical, marriage-wary grown up, heard the screeching sound of brakes being abruptly put on.
I'm not sure if I want to get married again but I do know for sure that I'm definitely not wanting to get married now, not quite 19 months after my split. I just can't even flirt with the idea, because when I do toy with it and look online at rings, my left hand just starts to feel heavy. I start to freak out a little and to be honest I can't stand the thought of a ring on my hand. The idea of being Mrs. Cowboy seriously makes my heart sink. Clearly, I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure I'll ever want to be Mrs. Somebody again. I just can't picture that. I don't know, maybe it's still the bitterness but I just can't.
We talked about this last month and I thought we were on the same page but I'm not quite so sure anymore. This man wants to marry me and I'm over here freaking out about the mere idea. I love him, he's a wonderful guy and in so many ways, he's perfection. We're a great match. But (and why in the hell does there have to be a but?) something just feels off to me and that makes me feel absolutely awful.
Of course, there's always the distinct possibility that I am WAY over thinking this and just having normal anxieties after everything that happened with XH. But, it's not fair to him to keep him waiting while I figure that out. Him and I need to have a major talk and I am dreading it so much. Fuck man! This whole relationship thing is hard.
It seems my life is currently at an impasse. Or, rather, my relationship is. We've been dating almost 11 months. I'm not quite sure how that happened. It seems like just yesterday we were walking the beach and spending sultry Summer nights making out and drinking beer. I feel like I blinked and here I am, almost a year later, with a wonderful boyfriend who mentioned marriage to me. Like, he legit said to me that it would be a year soon and wouldn't that be a great time to get engaged. And because I'm a giddy little schoolgirl, part of me squealed and thought about pretty wedding dresses and flowers and cake. Then, the other part of me, the cynical, practical, marriage-wary grown up, heard the screeching sound of brakes being abruptly put on.
I'm not sure if I want to get married again but I do know for sure that I'm definitely not wanting to get married now, not quite 19 months after my split. I just can't even flirt with the idea, because when I do toy with it and look online at rings, my left hand just starts to feel heavy. I start to freak out a little and to be honest I can't stand the thought of a ring on my hand. The idea of being Mrs. Cowboy seriously makes my heart sink. Clearly, I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure I'll ever want to be Mrs. Somebody again. I just can't picture that. I don't know, maybe it's still the bitterness but I just can't.
We talked about this last month and I thought we were on the same page but I'm not quite so sure anymore. This man wants to marry me and I'm over here freaking out about the mere idea. I love him, he's a wonderful guy and in so many ways, he's perfection. We're a great match. But (and why in the hell does there have to be a but?) something just feels off to me and that makes me feel absolutely awful.
Of course, there's always the distinct possibility that I am WAY over thinking this and just having normal anxieties after everything that happened with XH. But, it's not fair to him to keep him waiting while I figure that out. Him and I need to have a major talk and I am dreading it so much. Fuck man! This whole relationship thing is hard.
March 29, 2014
Do you want kids?
I've gotten to that part of life after divorce where it's not the immediate thing people think about when we talk. I've also met a lot of new people since my split and all they know is I'm divorced. They don't know C or any of the details behind our marriage and divorce. So it's inevitable for THE question to come up, you know that one that all IF'ers dread with a passion of a thousand fiery suns: do you have kids? (And all the forms that question comes in, including but not limited to: why don't you have kids? do you want kids? why didn't your and your ex have any?, etc) My mind's immediate reaction is, "oh yay, this damn question again." But at least I no longer have that urge to throat punch the people who ask me that! Progress!
It's not quite the sting it was before the split but it's still a twinge of something to my heart. If I'm totally unprepared for it, like if it comes out of left field when I'm chatting about mundane things, it can leave me breathless for a second. The first couple of times, my mind scrambled to think of an appropriate answer that wasn't quite the depressing truth. Depending on how many drinks I'd consumed at that point, sometimes my reply would be the blunt truth but mostly I'd just give a little smile, shake my head no, and tell them we didn't have kids but hopefully one day I will and change the subject. Most people just go with that. Only once has someone really pushed for answers and I just flat out told her that we struggled with MFI. Yes, I kinda threw C under the bus with that response but I was annoyed.
Which, leads to another set of problems, our IF dx. Explaining that is quite awkward too. We were very open about our IF problems and C was very open about his azoospermia but I was never comfortable telling people about it. It wasn't my diagnosis so I never felt like it was right for me to tell people about it, which C thought was silly. But MFI makes people say the most inappropriate things and I'd just rather not hear that shit. Only our immediate family and closest friends in Arkansas knew. Nobody outside that circle had a clue and even now my longtime friends down here are always surprised to hear the whole story. I've heard from all of them that they all thought it was me who couldn't have kids. I preferred it that way too, to be honest. I didn't want C to deal with the insensitivity so I kept it pretty quiet. And now it feels mean to tell people about his azoo. It's just so personal and I don't feel comfortable spreading his personal information to people.
Anyway, I always tell people that yes, of course I want children one day. After C left and it became obvious that we weren't going to be able to repair our relationship, I was very struck by the thought that I could actually have a family one day. (Right before we split, C had told me he had changed his mind and no longer wanted kids.) As a woman who dealt with IF, it was really hard for me to accept that I was excited about this possibility because it felt like such a betrayal to C. I always told him I loved him more than sperm and that I wanted him, not sperm. And that was very true, given the choice, I would have always chosen C. But he walked out and left, he made the choice that we were irrevocably broken so I made the choice that yes, I want kids and I'm going to have them one day. But I do feel guilty and I hope that fades one day.
I'm not ready for kids yet, I'm still a mess. No steady job and I'm not ready for the responsibility. But I know the time will come when my clock isn't something I'll be able to ignore. I'm 31 and have been longing for a baby for the past six years. My friends are on their second or third baby and I'm over here, divorced and drunk on the weekends. So even though I'm not responsible enough yet, my baby fever is always in the back of my mind. But so is the IF, it's confusing sometimes to make peace between the two. Between who I use to be and who I am now, what my life was before and what my life is after. Between the IF struggle and the possibility that I can have a baby one day. Making peace with the cards I was handed but now having the ability to have a say in how they are played.
It's not quite the sting it was before the split but it's still a twinge of something to my heart. If I'm totally unprepared for it, like if it comes out of left field when I'm chatting about mundane things, it can leave me breathless for a second. The first couple of times, my mind scrambled to think of an appropriate answer that wasn't quite the depressing truth. Depending on how many drinks I'd consumed at that point, sometimes my reply would be the blunt truth but mostly I'd just give a little smile, shake my head no, and tell them we didn't have kids but hopefully one day I will and change the subject. Most people just go with that. Only once has someone really pushed for answers and I just flat out told her that we struggled with MFI. Yes, I kinda threw C under the bus with that response but I was annoyed.
Which, leads to another set of problems, our IF dx. Explaining that is quite awkward too. We were very open about our IF problems and C was very open about his azoospermia but I was never comfortable telling people about it. It wasn't my diagnosis so I never felt like it was right for me to tell people about it, which C thought was silly. But MFI makes people say the most inappropriate things and I'd just rather not hear that shit. Only our immediate family and closest friends in Arkansas knew. Nobody outside that circle had a clue and even now my longtime friends down here are always surprised to hear the whole story. I've heard from all of them that they all thought it was me who couldn't have kids. I preferred it that way too, to be honest. I didn't want C to deal with the insensitivity so I kept it pretty quiet. And now it feels mean to tell people about his azoo. It's just so personal and I don't feel comfortable spreading his personal information to people.
Anyway, I always tell people that yes, of course I want children one day. After C left and it became obvious that we weren't going to be able to repair our relationship, I was very struck by the thought that I could actually have a family one day. (Right before we split, C had told me he had changed his mind and no longer wanted kids.) As a woman who dealt with IF, it was really hard for me to accept that I was excited about this possibility because it felt like such a betrayal to C. I always told him I loved him more than sperm and that I wanted him, not sperm. And that was very true, given the choice, I would have always chosen C. But he walked out and left, he made the choice that we were irrevocably broken so I made the choice that yes, I want kids and I'm going to have them one day. But I do feel guilty and I hope that fades one day.
I'm not ready for kids yet, I'm still a mess. No steady job and I'm not ready for the responsibility. But I know the time will come when my clock isn't something I'll be able to ignore. I'm 31 and have been longing for a baby for the past six years. My friends are on their second or third baby and I'm over here, divorced and drunk on the weekends. So even though I'm not responsible enough yet, my baby fever is always in the back of my mind. But so is the IF, it's confusing sometimes to make peace between the two. Between who I use to be and who I am now, what my life was before and what my life is after. Between the IF struggle and the possibility that I can have a baby one day. Making peace with the cards I was handed but now having the ability to have a say in how they are played.
February 26, 2014
More Lessons on Grief
My divorce is like a never-ending story, it just seems to always be something. Per our divorce agreement, I won a certain amount of his assets. Getting my hands on said assets is proving to be a headache. One that is resulting in more paperwork and loops to jump through. It's just annoying because it often involves me having to communicate with C, which isn't my favorite thing to do these days, no matter now friendly we are. Because, well, we have a love/hate relationship and to be honest, we've always known how to push each others buttons and we enjoy doing that. Basically, we're both immature but ehh, whatever.
We take turns pissing each other off and usually I am over it within the same day because I think it's stupid for me to be angry with my ex-husband. But C takes it to the extreme, as usual. And I'm not sure what I did or said this time but obviously it was something because when he's pissy with me, he won't speak to me or return calls, texts or emails. It's the most annoying damn thing. I'm trying to get information from him and he's not cooperating. Way to breach our agreement, you sorry SOB.
I received some paperwork in the mail the other day pertaining to all this. I was going over it and literally not understanding a word because legal jargon just makes my eyes cross when a particular sentence jumped out at me: .....Legal blah blah blah....[C and Amanda] were married July 15, 2006 and divorced December 18, 2013. I just stopped for a second and couldn't breathe. Right there in black and white, all legal and shit. Never mind that we've been split up for 16 months. Never mind that we've both spewed hateful words at each other. Never mind that I have another man sleeping in my bed or that he has a girlfriend. Never mind that I've seen the actual divorce decree with the judge's signature and official TX seal. Nothing made it real until I saw it written like that. It bothered me.
Divorce wasn't something that was suppose to happen to C and me, not us. Hell, we were C and Amanda for so long that I didn't know anything else. I knew him better than I knew myself; every scar, every freckle, every story. I took care of him after surgeries, when he was sick and washed his damn boxers. 13 years of love notes, gifts and memories that became meaningless in a single sentence: I want a divorce. I know I'm happier now, I know that I've found a me that I had lost over the course of our marriage but it doesn't make it ok. Nothing will make it ok because I took our marriage seriously and it failed. I failed, he failed, we failed. And that sucks.
Dealing with infertility and my Dad's death, I've learned that grief is entirely it's own entity. A very real emotion that demands attention, often at the oddest moments. One that comes and goes as it pleases. One you can't predict, even when you try. Dealing with my divorce, I've learned that grief isn't an emotion that ends, it just evolves. It changes and morphs into emotions you can't possibly understand. It affects every aspect of yourself and fighting that is futile. You just have to accept that grief is in your life now, permanently. It will always be there, a dark shadow lurking in the background of your life and all it's moments. It's far-reaching and unforgiving.
But, living with grief, while it changes you, it also shows you things about yourself that you never knew or appreciated. For instance, it taught me that I have to enjoy life. I have to endure my life. I have to keep living because grief has taught me just how precious life is. Just how amazing laughing with your loved ones truly is. Just how amazing it is when someone expands their family. Just how amazing a supportive and loving partner is. I marvel at the smallest things now and openly express my feelings because you are never guaranteed another.
It's a double-edged sword. And I'd much rather have my Dad alive and to have never experienced the pain of infertility or divorce. But, since I have experienced those pains, I live with my grief and try my damnedest to make a positive out of it. Sometimes that is easy and other times, it knocks me on my ass. Live and learn, my friends, live and learn. Experience all the ups and downs and when life kicks you in your balls, get back up and smile knowing that you endure.
Or, if you're like me, pour yourself some rum and buy some pretty nail polish.
We take turns pissing each other off and usually I am over it within the same day because I think it's stupid for me to be angry with my ex-husband. But C takes it to the extreme, as usual. And I'm not sure what I did or said this time but obviously it was something because when he's pissy with me, he won't speak to me or return calls, texts or emails. It's the most annoying damn thing. I'm trying to get information from him and he's not cooperating. Way to breach our agreement, you sorry SOB.
I received some paperwork in the mail the other day pertaining to all this. I was going over it and literally not understanding a word because legal jargon just makes my eyes cross when a particular sentence jumped out at me: .....Legal blah blah blah....[C and Amanda] were married July 15, 2006 and divorced December 18, 2013. I just stopped for a second and couldn't breathe. Right there in black and white, all legal and shit. Never mind that we've been split up for 16 months. Never mind that we've both spewed hateful words at each other. Never mind that I have another man sleeping in my bed or that he has a girlfriend. Never mind that I've seen the actual divorce decree with the judge's signature and official TX seal. Nothing made it real until I saw it written like that. It bothered me.
Divorce wasn't something that was suppose to happen to C and me, not us. Hell, we were C and Amanda for so long that I didn't know anything else. I knew him better than I knew myself; every scar, every freckle, every story. I took care of him after surgeries, when he was sick and washed his damn boxers. 13 years of love notes, gifts and memories that became meaningless in a single sentence: I want a divorce. I know I'm happier now, I know that I've found a me that I had lost over the course of our marriage but it doesn't make it ok. Nothing will make it ok because I took our marriage seriously and it failed. I failed, he failed, we failed. And that sucks.
Dealing with infertility and my Dad's death, I've learned that grief is entirely it's own entity. A very real emotion that demands attention, often at the oddest moments. One that comes and goes as it pleases. One you can't predict, even when you try. Dealing with my divorce, I've learned that grief isn't an emotion that ends, it just evolves. It changes and morphs into emotions you can't possibly understand. It affects every aspect of yourself and fighting that is futile. You just have to accept that grief is in your life now, permanently. It will always be there, a dark shadow lurking in the background of your life and all it's moments. It's far-reaching and unforgiving.
But, living with grief, while it changes you, it also shows you things about yourself that you never knew or appreciated. For instance, it taught me that I have to enjoy life. I have to endure my life. I have to keep living because grief has taught me just how precious life is. Just how amazing laughing with your loved ones truly is. Just how amazing it is when someone expands their family. Just how amazing a supportive and loving partner is. I marvel at the smallest things now and openly express my feelings because you are never guaranteed another.
It's a double-edged sword. And I'd much rather have my Dad alive and to have never experienced the pain of infertility or divorce. But, since I have experienced those pains, I live with my grief and try my damnedest to make a positive out of it. Sometimes that is easy and other times, it knocks me on my ass. Live and learn, my friends, live and learn. Experience all the ups and downs and when life kicks you in your balls, get back up and smile knowing that you endure.
Or, if you're like me, pour yourself some rum and buy some pretty nail polish.
February 21, 2014
Gratitude
It's been quite the week and it's much overdue for some gratitude!
This week I'm grateful for:
* awesome friends who regularly make me laugh and remind me that life is great
* teenage nephew's HS baseball games, love watching him play!
* good books, getting lost in a great read is so therapeutic to me
* all the supportive people in my life, it's a blessing for sure
* Spring-like days with warmth and a good breeze
* impromptu calls from friends to gather at our favorite bar, late at night, right before closing
* realizing how happy I am now and how it has everything to do with me liking who I am now and being comfortable in my own skin
I took a bold step this week and it left me feeling so empowered! I've been job hunting now for 7 months, it's been beyond frustrating. So I had been flirting around with the idea of starting my own photography business. I've been doing shoots off and on since C split and everyone kept encouraging me to actually make that leap but I was scared. Well, I took the leap and made a FB page for it. I'm shooting a small wedding tonight and actually booked 2 maternity/newborn sessions yesterday and today! I'm looking forward to ordering more equipment soon. I'm taking steps to make my dreams come true and it feels amazing!
This week I'm grateful for:
* awesome friends who regularly make me laugh and remind me that life is great
* teenage nephew's HS baseball games, love watching him play!
* good books, getting lost in a great read is so therapeutic to me
* all the supportive people in my life, it's a blessing for sure
* Spring-like days with warmth and a good breeze
* impromptu calls from friends to gather at our favorite bar, late at night, right before closing
* realizing how happy I am now and how it has everything to do with me liking who I am now and being comfortable in my own skin
I took a bold step this week and it left me feeling so empowered! I've been job hunting now for 7 months, it's been beyond frustrating. So I had been flirting around with the idea of starting my own photography business. I've been doing shoots off and on since C split and everyone kept encouraging me to actually make that leap but I was scared. Well, I took the leap and made a FB page for it. I'm shooting a small wedding tonight and actually booked 2 maternity/newborn sessions yesterday and today! I'm looking forward to ordering more equipment soon. I'm taking steps to make my dreams come true and it feels amazing!
January 28, 2014
Restlessness, again
It's been a while since that old familiar feeling of restlessness has hit me. But, oh man, has it hit me hardcore lately. I just feel so restless and down these days. I suspect it has something to do with my doctor making adjustments to my antidepressant. I'm adamant about weaning off, which nobody thinks is a good idea, but I just don't want to need them anymore. Or, rather, I'd like to see if I can live without them. So far, the signs aren't pointing to that being a reality for me.
I also turned 31 this week and I'm not going to lie, it stung in a way that I wasn't anticipating. I think being jobless for so long has really started to wear on me. I'm looking and sending my resume out to everything and everyone but no bites so far. It's a super confidence booster, let me tell you. I feel like my life is just drifting and I really hate it. I need routine and schedule, it's what helps me thrive. Which is surprising to me since I spent my entire marriage being a SAHW, I was in college for a while though, and only worked briefly last year. But, I was so happy working and being productive. It's definitely what is missing in my life these days.
Adding to my stress is stuff with the Cowboy. His mom has MS and is currently in the hospital with complications. With my PTSD, it's very difficult for me to be in that environment. I'm trying to be there for him but it's mentally exhausting to spend so much time fighting my triggers and to have so much of that hospital lingo back in my life. He's very understanding of it, well, as much as he can be for someone who has never dealt with it before. He's a terrific guy but I'm at war with myself internally and it's affecting my relationship, which sucks. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and it's really weighing on my mind lately.
So, basically, I'm a mess right now. But, I'm in a much better place than I was at this point last year, so I'm pretty grateful for that. I never thought I'd be 31, divorced and jobless. But, even with all these issues, I'm still happier on the bad days than I was on the good days in my marriage. So, I know I'm on the right track and that really gives me hope. This is so not the life I pictured and that is both bad and good. Bad for the obvious reasons but good because my life now is so much more than I had ever thought about it being a couple years ago. It's no secret that I didn't want this divorce but now I am grateful for it. Grateful because it set off a chain of events that have led me on my biggest adventures yet. Grateful because I've learned so much about myself these last 15 months and grown by leaps and bounds.
So, I'm down and restless but I know that it'll turn around. 30 was a very eventful year for me and I'm hopeful that 31 will be even better. Filled with the perfect amounts of bad and good. I've never said that starting over would be easy but it is so worth all the tears and pain and dark nights I endured. That much I am sure of.
I also turned 31 this week and I'm not going to lie, it stung in a way that I wasn't anticipating. I think being jobless for so long has really started to wear on me. I'm looking and sending my resume out to everything and everyone but no bites so far. It's a super confidence booster, let me tell you. I feel like my life is just drifting and I really hate it. I need routine and schedule, it's what helps me thrive. Which is surprising to me since I spent my entire marriage being a SAHW, I was in college for a while though, and only worked briefly last year. But, I was so happy working and being productive. It's definitely what is missing in my life these days.
Adding to my stress is stuff with the Cowboy. His mom has MS and is currently in the hospital with complications. With my PTSD, it's very difficult for me to be in that environment. I'm trying to be there for him but it's mentally exhausting to spend so much time fighting my triggers and to have so much of that hospital lingo back in my life. He's very understanding of it, well, as much as he can be for someone who has never dealt with it before. He's a terrific guy but I'm at war with myself internally and it's affecting my relationship, which sucks. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and it's really weighing on my mind lately.
So, basically, I'm a mess right now. But, I'm in a much better place than I was at this point last year, so I'm pretty grateful for that. I never thought I'd be 31, divorced and jobless. But, even with all these issues, I'm still happier on the bad days than I was on the good days in my marriage. So, I know I'm on the right track and that really gives me hope. This is so not the life I pictured and that is both bad and good. Bad for the obvious reasons but good because my life now is so much more than I had ever thought about it being a couple years ago. It's no secret that I didn't want this divorce but now I am grateful for it. Grateful because it set off a chain of events that have led me on my biggest adventures yet. Grateful because I've learned so much about myself these last 15 months and grown by leaps and bounds.
So, I'm down and restless but I know that it'll turn around. 30 was a very eventful year for me and I'm hopeful that 31 will be even better. Filled with the perfect amounts of bad and good. I've never said that starting over would be easy but it is so worth all the tears and pain and dark nights I endured. That much I am sure of.
January 9, 2014
helpless female syndrome
Most days I feel like a competent, functioning adult. I go about my day feeling like I totally rock this whole being grown up shit. Then there are those days where I'm just like lolololol, just kidding! There's no way I'm about to be 31 and who let me be responsible for big decisions. Just leave me alone and let me play mahjong titans while I listen to BSB and N*Sync on repeat while I munch on chips and m&m's.
Being an adult didn't seem so challenging when I was still married, I mean, we were going through some very heavy, adult issues but we had each other to lean on. But that's not what trips me up these days. It's so many other little things that really bother me and sometimes cause me to curse the day C walked out. For example, choosing a new exterminator, repairs on my car, looking over health plans, choosing new flooring for the house, having to figure out what plants I want for the landscaping update and the house needs gutters but, what color? And do I want them around the entire house or just certain areas? But, oh shit, wait, the dogs need to go to the vet and how can I manage to get all three there and Bella has epilepsy and the vet is throwing scary questions at me, what do I say? I realize these are questions and problems that really aren't that hard but they're ones I always discussed with C. So I always had someone to turn to and look at for their input. In many ways, I miss that. I miss an equally invested partner that looks at these questions from my point of view. You know, the view of the owner/person paying for this shit. The Cowboy is awesome to bounce ideas off but at the end of the day, this isn't his stuff so he's not that invested. Nor do I expect him to be at this point.
I just get overwhelmed sometimes and it sucks. I get very frustrated with myself when I get like this too because it just feels very "helpless female syndrome" to me and I refuse to be that girl ever again. I don't want to depend on a guy for anything anymore. It's a real struggle within me to lean on the Cowboy for stuff. I'm very stubborn and protective of my independence so he's had to remind me several times to loosen the grips and let him take care of small things. Like hanging Christmas lights on my house, helping me bathe the dogs or take them to the vet. He's great about doing handyman stuff for me around my house too but it always makes me feel weird. It's been a real learning process for me to be single after 13 years. It's an adjustment to go from making decisions together to being the sole one responsible for everything. And I have to be honest, there are times I do call C and ask for his input. He's good about helping out when needed, I'm grateful for that.
A plus side of being adult though is that I can drink and wine is the perfect solution for a tough day. I already know which bottle I'll be opening tonight! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play legos with my four year old niece because I'm over being an adult today.
oh! And Happy New Year! May 2014 bring you everything you wish for and much happiness, laughter and love!
Being an adult didn't seem so challenging when I was still married, I mean, we were going through some very heavy, adult issues but we had each other to lean on. But that's not what trips me up these days. It's so many other little things that really bother me and sometimes cause me to curse the day C walked out. For example, choosing a new exterminator, repairs on my car, looking over health plans, choosing new flooring for the house, having to figure out what plants I want for the landscaping update and the house needs gutters but, what color? And do I want them around the entire house or just certain areas? But, oh shit, wait, the dogs need to go to the vet and how can I manage to get all three there and Bella has epilepsy and the vet is throwing scary questions at me, what do I say? I realize these are questions and problems that really aren't that hard but they're ones I always discussed with C. So I always had someone to turn to and look at for their input. In many ways, I miss that. I miss an equally invested partner that looks at these questions from my point of view. You know, the view of the owner/person paying for this shit. The Cowboy is awesome to bounce ideas off but at the end of the day, this isn't his stuff so he's not that invested. Nor do I expect him to be at this point.
I just get overwhelmed sometimes and it sucks. I get very frustrated with myself when I get like this too because it just feels very "helpless female syndrome" to me and I refuse to be that girl ever again. I don't want to depend on a guy for anything anymore. It's a real struggle within me to lean on the Cowboy for stuff. I'm very stubborn and protective of my independence so he's had to remind me several times to loosen the grips and let him take care of small things. Like hanging Christmas lights on my house, helping me bathe the dogs or take them to the vet. He's great about doing handyman stuff for me around my house too but it always makes me feel weird. It's been a real learning process for me to be single after 13 years. It's an adjustment to go from making decisions together to being the sole one responsible for everything. And I have to be honest, there are times I do call C and ask for his input. He's good about helping out when needed, I'm grateful for that.
A plus side of being adult though is that I can drink and wine is the perfect solution for a tough day. I already know which bottle I'll be opening tonight! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play legos with my four year old niece because I'm over being an adult today.
oh! And Happy New Year! May 2014 bring you everything you wish for and much happiness, laughter and love!
December 29, 2013
Officially divorced, finally
I knew for a few days leading up to the finalization that it was was suppose to happen. But with C, I've learned to never really count on anything so it honestly kept slipping my mind. The night before the Cowboy asked me how I was feeling and I stared at him blankly before it clicked. Woke up Wednesday thinking about the million errands I needed to run before remembering what was going to be happening. I glanced at the time and knew he was in court at that exact moment. Sure enough, my phone rang about 15 minutes later.
He seriously sounded so excited, relieved and happy to announce we were officially divorced. I got all teary eyed because the emotions were overwhelming. I can't remember what we talked about but we didn't speak for long. I did tell him to go be happy now. After we hung up, I texted my four BFFs and called the Cowboy. It was the most bittersweet feeling I've ever felt because all at once I felt: relieved, excited, sad, mad and happy. It felt so surreal to me but, mainly, I felt so damn free. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me. I was so happy to legally be able to return to my maiden name and to belong to myself again.
The next day C called me wanting to see my nephews and niece since he was in town for a little longer. He kept asking if I'd meet him at my brother's too and my Mom felt like I should to help ease the tension between him and my brother so I very reluctantly met him there that night. The kids were happy to see him and he seemed happy to see them too. But, my warning bells were already going off and as the night progressed, they started clanging like crazy. He kept telling the kids old memories of me and telling them the quirky little traits of mine that they shared with me. It was almost embarrassing because I wasn't paying too much attention to him. I was texting my guy BFF and playing with my niece. But he kept looking at me and asking me things.
He left at the same time as me and we ended up talking in front of my brother's house for about an hour. It started off nicely enough but ended with me angrily getting to my car and leaving. Basically we rehashed everything all over again. He still won't accept blame for walking out or for the shit he put me through the last two years of our marriage. He is quick to point out my shortcomings but is blind to his own. He told me that I didn't fight for him and that if I had, we wouldn't be divorced. Guilted me because I have a boyfriend already that has met my family.
I just stood there, like I always do, and took what he was saying. But, then I realized that I don't have to take his shit anymore and I got angry. I started telling him exactly what I thought about the situation and how he failed me. Told him that all the blame he placed on me not giving him enough attention was pathetic because I was occupied with my dying father then with grieving him. I told him that he wasn't strong enough to be what I needed and so yeah, I wanted the divorce. He always acts so baffled when I raise my voice at him and kept commenting that he must have touched a nerve. I looked him in the eye and told him it was because I didn't have to take his shit anymore, got in my car and left.
Haven't heard from him in the eleven days since. And I couldn't be happier or more at peace. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, despite missing my Dad like crazy, and have had a lot of fun with the Cowboy. It's so empowering to realize that I'm free and that I'm not a victim. Yeah, he walked out first and it devastated me but it truly was the best thing for me. I didn't know I could be this happy or just how unhappy I really was with my marriage. He started this divorce process but I kept it going. It was what I wanted for myself. Now I can live my happily ever after with me being my own knight in shining armor. I saved myself. I'm happy because I fought to become the woman I am now and I actually like who I am and how my life is. This is the life I want and I get to choose what direction it goes in.
I'm free.
He seriously sounded so excited, relieved and happy to announce we were officially divorced. I got all teary eyed because the emotions were overwhelming. I can't remember what we talked about but we didn't speak for long. I did tell him to go be happy now. After we hung up, I texted my four BFFs and called the Cowboy. It was the most bittersweet feeling I've ever felt because all at once I felt: relieved, excited, sad, mad and happy. It felt so surreal to me but, mainly, I felt so damn free. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me. I was so happy to legally be able to return to my maiden name and to belong to myself again.
The next day C called me wanting to see my nephews and niece since he was in town for a little longer. He kept asking if I'd meet him at my brother's too and my Mom felt like I should to help ease the tension between him and my brother so I very reluctantly met him there that night. The kids were happy to see him and he seemed happy to see them too. But, my warning bells were already going off and as the night progressed, they started clanging like crazy. He kept telling the kids old memories of me and telling them the quirky little traits of mine that they shared with me. It was almost embarrassing because I wasn't paying too much attention to him. I was texting my guy BFF and playing with my niece. But he kept looking at me and asking me things.
He left at the same time as me and we ended up talking in front of my brother's house for about an hour. It started off nicely enough but ended with me angrily getting to my car and leaving. Basically we rehashed everything all over again. He still won't accept blame for walking out or for the shit he put me through the last two years of our marriage. He is quick to point out my shortcomings but is blind to his own. He told me that I didn't fight for him and that if I had, we wouldn't be divorced. Guilted me because I have a boyfriend already that has met my family.
I just stood there, like I always do, and took what he was saying. But, then I realized that I don't have to take his shit anymore and I got angry. I started telling him exactly what I thought about the situation and how he failed me. Told him that all the blame he placed on me not giving him enough attention was pathetic because I was occupied with my dying father then with grieving him. I told him that he wasn't strong enough to be what I needed and so yeah, I wanted the divorce. He always acts so baffled when I raise my voice at him and kept commenting that he must have touched a nerve. I looked him in the eye and told him it was because I didn't have to take his shit anymore, got in my car and left.
Haven't heard from him in the eleven days since. And I couldn't be happier or more at peace. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, despite missing my Dad like crazy, and have had a lot of fun with the Cowboy. It's so empowering to realize that I'm free and that I'm not a victim. Yeah, he walked out first and it devastated me but it truly was the best thing for me. I didn't know I could be this happy or just how unhappy I really was with my marriage. He started this divorce process but I kept it going. It was what I wanted for myself. Now I can live my happily ever after with me being my own knight in shining armor. I saved myself. I'm happy because I fought to become the woman I am now and I actually like who I am and how my life is. This is the life I want and I get to choose what direction it goes in.
I'm free.
October 29, 2013
My heart is happy
So, I've been dating the Cowboy for almost 5 months now. He makes this cold, black heart of mine smile. He's about as different from C as a guy could be but I like that. I wasn't planning or looking for a relationship but he came along and just changed everything! I mentioned in this post that we met online. We started messaging which led to texting which led to phone calls that lasted until 5 in the morning. I'd go into work so damn tired but grinning from ear to ear. Our first date lasted almost 12 hours and the sparks were undeniable. We became official about a month later, neither of us were interested in dating other people. We spent the most amazing Summer together and I was worried that it was just a summer romance but here we are at the end of October and still going strong.
Our dates are always fun and unpredictable, he makes me laugh so hard. My friends all like him and my dogs adore him. My family has been a slow process bc it's been difficult for them to accept a guy who isn't C, it's been a bumpy road with them. But, things are smoothing out and they're happy to see me so happy. I was so nervous to meet the Cowboy's family, considering the last time I met parents was when I was a dumb teenager. Not to mention that my relationship with my XIL's was strained due to the language barrier. But, his mom is awesome and we really get along very well! His parents are divorced and his dad isn't a big part of his life so I haven't met him yet. But he's the oldest of six with three brothers and two sisters and I've met all of them except for a brother who lives up north. His other brothers are hilarious though and I love hearing stories about the chaos four little boys caused growing up! His sisters are young- early twenties and the other is still in elementary school. The little one stole my heart and I just love her!
What surprised me about the Cowboy was just how much we have in common. It's nice to visit museums with someone who enjoys it as much as me, it's nice to watch football with someone who yells at the tv as much as me, it's nice to geek out over HP, superheroes and zombies with someone and it's nice to feel appreciated for all my little quirks. Not to mention that he can sing and that is the sexiest thing to me! He's actually auditioning for a major talent competition in the beginning of next year, maybe you'll see him on tv next season.
He's bearded, tattooed and pierced bc all of that is just so damn hot to me but he's a cowboy, hence his code name. He looks hot in a cowboy hat and in a fedora, which is now my favorite hat on a guy, ever! He's very well rounded and I like that so much. I've never had a guy touch me so gently or kiss me so passionately. The looks he gives me just melts me on a regular basis. He surprises me weekly with a different little treat- flowers, a sweet card, a corny stuffed animal or by doing something sweet like drawing me a candle lit bubble bath or giving me an amazing massage. Oh and he can cook. Seriously have no idea how he was single!
Of course he's not perfect, we do have speed bumps as I learn how to be in a relationship that isn't C and as he adjusts to dating a woman outside his race (I'm Mexican and he's White, not hugely different but different nonetheless) and also as we learn each other. Normal relationship growing pains, I gather. He's not perfect- his farts smell, he can be quite reserved and he's been through his own heartaches but I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for a guy who can be honest, faithful and perfectly content with dating a woman who is as far from perfect as a person can be. A woman who dealt with IF, buried her father and lost her long time love a mere ten months later. A woman whose family lives with her and whose XH is still around occasionally. Essentially, a man who looks at my baggage and doesn't blink an eye. Who sees me and likes what he sees.
I'm grateful he's in my life bc he's taught me so much and I am enjoying him so much. I'm cautiously excited to see where this goes.
Our dates are always fun and unpredictable, he makes me laugh so hard. My friends all like him and my dogs adore him. My family has been a slow process bc it's been difficult for them to accept a guy who isn't C, it's been a bumpy road with them. But, things are smoothing out and they're happy to see me so happy. I was so nervous to meet the Cowboy's family, considering the last time I met parents was when I was a dumb teenager. Not to mention that my relationship with my XIL's was strained due to the language barrier. But, his mom is awesome and we really get along very well! His parents are divorced and his dad isn't a big part of his life so I haven't met him yet. But he's the oldest of six with three brothers and two sisters and I've met all of them except for a brother who lives up north. His other brothers are hilarious though and I love hearing stories about the chaos four little boys caused growing up! His sisters are young- early twenties and the other is still in elementary school. The little one stole my heart and I just love her!
What surprised me about the Cowboy was just how much we have in common. It's nice to visit museums with someone who enjoys it as much as me, it's nice to watch football with someone who yells at the tv as much as me, it's nice to geek out over HP, superheroes and zombies with someone and it's nice to feel appreciated for all my little quirks. Not to mention that he can sing and that is the sexiest thing to me! He's actually auditioning for a major talent competition in the beginning of next year, maybe you'll see him on tv next season.
He's bearded, tattooed and pierced bc all of that is just so damn hot to me but he's a cowboy, hence his code name. He looks hot in a cowboy hat and in a fedora, which is now my favorite hat on a guy, ever! He's very well rounded and I like that so much. I've never had a guy touch me so gently or kiss me so passionately. The looks he gives me just melts me on a regular basis. He surprises me weekly with a different little treat- flowers, a sweet card, a corny stuffed animal or by doing something sweet like drawing me a candle lit bubble bath or giving me an amazing massage. Oh and he can cook. Seriously have no idea how he was single!
Of course he's not perfect, we do have speed bumps as I learn how to be in a relationship that isn't C and as he adjusts to dating a woman outside his race (I'm Mexican and he's White, not hugely different but different nonetheless) and also as we learn each other. Normal relationship growing pains, I gather. He's not perfect- his farts smell, he can be quite reserved and he's been through his own heartaches but I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for a guy who can be honest, faithful and perfectly content with dating a woman who is as far from perfect as a person can be. A woman who dealt with IF, buried her father and lost her long time love a mere ten months later. A woman whose family lives with her and whose XH is still around occasionally. Essentially, a man who looks at my baggage and doesn't blink an eye. Who sees me and likes what he sees.
I'm grateful he's in my life bc he's taught me so much and I am enjoying him so much. I'm cautiously excited to see where this goes.
October 12, 2013
1 year since he left me
The 10th officially marked a whole year since C walked out. Or, rather, a year since he called me and told me over the phone, like a coward. I can't stop remembering what was going on at this time last year; how I was feeling, what I was doing. There's actually not a lot I can remember, I was just so depressed. The first couple of months after he left are a big fog in my mind and I'm grateful to not really remember too much. I do know that I rarely got out of bed, I wasn't eating and I was crying so many tears that I'm surprised I didn't run out. I was also drinking, a lot. I'd crawl out of bed around 2pm, choke down some water and maybe a pickle or a carrot and then I'd sit under my covered patio, listening to sad country music and drinking. My family would come out periodically to check on me and friends would text but mainly I'd just drink and cry. I asked a lot of why questions and then I'd get so angry. I'd stumble into bed around 4am, too exhausted and drunk to process that I was crawling into our empty bed and do it all again the next day.
The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.
A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.
I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.
This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.
The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.
A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.
I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.
This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.
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