Summer is usually such a fun time for me, but this one has been very different from my usual experience. No pool time and we've only been to the beach once! Total first world problems, I know! It's just been disgustingly hot and humid, the sultry nights offer no relief either. I fear our light bill every month because the ac is just running and running. Ugh. And it's barely the beginning of July, we still have two months before it'll cool off enough to even attempt to venture outside before 7pm.
M and I recently celebrated three years of us. We did a low-key date night and laughed at how quickly three years has gone by. It's crazy that it all started with an online dating site and a date to the zoo that went on long after the zoo closed. We just couldn't stop talking and not much has changed. We still talk each others ears off! I never imagined I could be loved like this, that someone would understand me without me having to explain myself, or that there was someone out there who has so much in common with me. It's a nice change of pace to be with someone like him.
Still no firm wedding plans, I really think we will just turn to each other some random day with that look and run off to elope. Something very low-key and very us. So, lots of music, some good beer, and nobody but us. There really isn't anyone else I want there, other than my family, but if we invite mine, then we'd have to include his too. And his family is a bunch of Trump lovin' crazies, so I'm not keen on that idea. My liberal, Mexican family would eat them alive.
But, then again, I'm in no rush. Marriage just doesn't hold the dream it use to! We really are quite happy with things as they are, we forget we aren't legally married. It's just other people pressuring us and bugging us with wedding talk!
Showing posts with label the Cowboy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the Cowboy. Show all posts
July 9, 2016
February 26, 2016
Where is my baby?
For the first time in quite some time, I had an IF breakdown the other night. I'm talking full on tears, sobs, and heartbreaking pain. I had spent the day holding my tiny nephew, just snuggling him and listening to his little noises. Watching him do that adorable little baby stretch and flash sweet smiles. It just felt so natural to be around a baby and tend to his needs. It also made me ache deep down in my soul for my baby. A baby I started trying for at the age of 25 and here I am at 33 still childless. It just all hit me that night and I let myself feel it.
M said something quite innocent to me about how we have been trying. I guess I haven't let myself really think about it and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. What if we never succeed? What if it's just too late for my body to do what seems so natural for most couples? How could I allow M to know this world of IF? Why the hell did I fall in love again when I know I'm reproductively challenged? How could I do that to him? IF contributed to my first marriage's destruction, am I crazy to think it won't do the same to this one? The guilt is just overwhelming and all consuming. I feel so horribly about it all.
M started comforting me and talking about seeing doctors, and if there are any vitamins he can take to help improve his sperm, just in case, and should we start googling to learn more about conceiving. It just was so surreal to hear those words, a variation on past conversations with XH about the same damn things. I almost screamed from rage at it all, at the fucking irony of being back in this place again. It makes me want to throw things and punch people and curl up into a little ball and cry until there are no tears left.
The IUD was removed in late May and we did use condoms for a while. We didn't call it TTC until around September but in reality, it's been almost a year since we ditched all forms of birth control. Given our ages (33 and 36), what did I expect? And now this brings up all kinds of questions about what to do about it. Do we see doctors? Do we consult Dr Google? Do we start vitamins? Do I go back down that road again of having doctors elbow deep in me to tell me things I've already heard?
When I think about that, I just feel so exhausted. I've already had that experience and I truly don't think I have it in me to do that again. I truly have no desire to hear another doctor order an HSG, prescribe meds that make me crazy, or hold his hand through a SA. It's too much to go through again. I cannot keep my sanity through more of that. I panic at the thought of researching IUI and IVF again. The PTSD from it all is very real and manageable now, I'm not sure my mind can handle it again.
So, I'm not sure what will happen. All I do know is that I keep thinking where is my baby? And it's draining.
M said something quite innocent to me about how we have been trying. I guess I haven't let myself really think about it and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. What if we never succeed? What if it's just too late for my body to do what seems so natural for most couples? How could I allow M to know this world of IF? Why the hell did I fall in love again when I know I'm reproductively challenged? How could I do that to him? IF contributed to my first marriage's destruction, am I crazy to think it won't do the same to this one? The guilt is just overwhelming and all consuming. I feel so horribly about it all.
M started comforting me and talking about seeing doctors, and if there are any vitamins he can take to help improve his sperm, just in case, and should we start googling to learn more about conceiving. It just was so surreal to hear those words, a variation on past conversations with XH about the same damn things. I almost screamed from rage at it all, at the fucking irony of being back in this place again. It makes me want to throw things and punch people and curl up into a little ball and cry until there are no tears left.
The IUD was removed in late May and we did use condoms for a while. We didn't call it TTC until around September but in reality, it's been almost a year since we ditched all forms of birth control. Given our ages (33 and 36), what did I expect? And now this brings up all kinds of questions about what to do about it. Do we see doctors? Do we consult Dr Google? Do we start vitamins? Do I go back down that road again of having doctors elbow deep in me to tell me things I've already heard?
When I think about that, I just feel so exhausted. I've already had that experience and I truly don't think I have it in me to do that again. I truly have no desire to hear another doctor order an HSG, prescribe meds that make me crazy, or hold his hand through a SA. It's too much to go through again. I cannot keep my sanity through more of that. I panic at the thought of researching IUI and IVF again. The PTSD from it all is very real and manageable now, I'm not sure my mind can handle it again.
So, I'm not sure what will happen. All I do know is that I keep thinking where is my baby? And it's draining.
February 10, 2016
Moving on to wedding plans!
Ok, let's put all the drama with XH behind us, shall we? I'm so over talking about him and our marriage. I was able to work through a lot of the last lingering issues thanks to his recent bout of craziness and that is an amazing feeling! I've been so scared of marrying M because of those issues and now I feel 100% about it all. He's a truly great guy and just gets me so much that it's crazy. I feel like I can be myself with him and that is truly such a wonderful feeling!
We've been discussing wedding plans off and on since we got engaged but have been too busy to really do anything beyond that. I never imagined I'd be planning at wedding at 33 but it's kinda fun to look at dresses, flowers, and fabulous shoes! Plus Pinterest wasn't around the first time I got married so that adds even more fun to the whole thing! We have decided on a destination wedding in New Orleans, our favorite city, probably sometime in the Fall. I'll be joined by 2 bridesmaids and he has his best man. Other than that, we have no clue about anything else. We do know that we are keeping things very small and not inviting anybody beyond our immediate families and best friends. Neither of us wants a circus...or drama!
Of course these plans are subject to change, if I get pregnant. We are still loosely trying, I'm not charting or anything like that, we're just not using protection. My cycles are still all over the place so I'm not surprised that nothing has happened yet. While a baby is very much desired, I'm trying to be positive and not too negative about not being knocked up yet. Sometimes that works very well for me and other times...it's a struggle. I recently gave my sister a baby shower and it really didn't bother me the way baby showers use to, which was both surprising and relieving. I did have an ache in my empty ute but it didn't send me into a downward spiral or drive me to tears after everyone left, which I call progress!
Progress indeed, but I have to admit that my recent birthday did sting a little. Not that 33 is old, but because I always thought I'd be a mom by now. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm not, the timing hasn't been right up until now and the guy was all wrong! But I still thought I'd have kids by now. That was the "plan" anyway. Ahh, no quicker way to make God laugh than to tell Him your plans!
I don't know if anything will turn out the way I plan but I'm hopeful!
We've been discussing wedding plans off and on since we got engaged but have been too busy to really do anything beyond that. I never imagined I'd be planning at wedding at 33 but it's kinda fun to look at dresses, flowers, and fabulous shoes! Plus Pinterest wasn't around the first time I got married so that adds even more fun to the whole thing! We have decided on a destination wedding in New Orleans, our favorite city, probably sometime in the Fall. I'll be joined by 2 bridesmaids and he has his best man. Other than that, we have no clue about anything else. We do know that we are keeping things very small and not inviting anybody beyond our immediate families and best friends. Neither of us wants a circus...or drama!
Of course these plans are subject to change, if I get pregnant. We are still loosely trying, I'm not charting or anything like that, we're just not using protection. My cycles are still all over the place so I'm not surprised that nothing has happened yet. While a baby is very much desired, I'm trying to be positive and not too negative about not being knocked up yet. Sometimes that works very well for me and other times...it's a struggle. I recently gave my sister a baby shower and it really didn't bother me the way baby showers use to, which was both surprising and relieving. I did have an ache in my empty ute but it didn't send me into a downward spiral or drive me to tears after everyone left, which I call progress!
Progress indeed, but I have to admit that my recent birthday did sting a little. Not that 33 is old, but because I always thought I'd be a mom by now. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm not, the timing hasn't been right up until now and the guy was all wrong! But I still thought I'd have kids by now. That was the "plan" anyway. Ahh, no quicker way to make God laugh than to tell Him your plans!
I don't know if anything will turn out the way I plan but I'm hopeful!
November 23, 2015
Closure
I couldn't tell you the last time I saw XH. Well, up until last week anyway. Per our divorce decree, we're selling the house next month so we had to talk about that. Which led to him confessing that things aren't going great between him and the woman he left me for. I'm not surprised and was even kind of laughing about it, because, well, karma. He ended up coming over to patch a hole in the wall and ended up staying three hours. Just venting and talking about it all. It was so odd.
I was finally able to address some questions and get answers from him. Answers he had refused to give me before. It was nice for my own sake to get that last bit of closure. I've been thinking that I was just a horrible wife and it was nice validation to find out that while I wasn't perfect, our marriage ended mainly because of his own issues. I finally confronted him about the emotional abuse and manipulation from him. He apologized but could only defend himself with talk about how unhappy he was and how sorry he was that he took it out on me. I told him I wasn't seeking anything other than recognition that he did that and his owning up to it was a nice release for me.
In all his venting about his relationship I noticed such striking similarities with his complaints. And per his norm, he can't see his own issues and failings. It's amazing to me that he is so damn blind. It was also nice to get that last confirmation that our divorce was absolutely that best thing for me. I didn't fully doubt that but I also had this tiny pang of regret that comes from being a divorced woman, that comes from a failed marriage. It's a label I never expected or imagined so being at peace with it has been challenging at times.
When M got home that night, I gave him the biggest hug and kiss. I'm so grateful to have a man in my life who is my true partner, who brings out the best in me and makes me strive to be a better woman. I'm grateful to have built this life out of the scraps I was left with and I honestly wouldn't change a thing.
I will always be thankful for my time with XH but I will always be even more thankful that our time ended. Life is good, my complaints are few, and my heart is full.
I was finally able to address some questions and get answers from him. Answers he had refused to give me before. It was nice for my own sake to get that last bit of closure. I've been thinking that I was just a horrible wife and it was nice validation to find out that while I wasn't perfect, our marriage ended mainly because of his own issues. I finally confronted him about the emotional abuse and manipulation from him. He apologized but could only defend himself with talk about how unhappy he was and how sorry he was that he took it out on me. I told him I wasn't seeking anything other than recognition that he did that and his owning up to it was a nice release for me.
In all his venting about his relationship I noticed such striking similarities with his complaints. And per his norm, he can't see his own issues and failings. It's amazing to me that he is so damn blind. It was also nice to get that last confirmation that our divorce was absolutely that best thing for me. I didn't fully doubt that but I also had this tiny pang of regret that comes from being a divorced woman, that comes from a failed marriage. It's a label I never expected or imagined so being at peace with it has been challenging at times.
When M got home that night, I gave him the biggest hug and kiss. I'm so grateful to have a man in my life who is my true partner, who brings out the best in me and makes me strive to be a better woman. I'm grateful to have built this life out of the scraps I was left with and I honestly wouldn't change a thing.
I will always be thankful for my time with XH but I will always be even more thankful that our time ended. Life is good, my complaints are few, and my heart is full.
October 20, 2015
Back in the TTC saddle, again
Recently my six-months-pregnant sister and I spent a day running errands and doing some shopping together. In the years since I started dealing with IF, I have spent plenty of time with pregnant women in various baby shops. I can do fine in small doses and only once did I have to wait outside while my friends shopped inside. But, the one baby store that I have not sent foot in is Buy Buy Baby, I just refuse. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just swore to myself that I'd never enter that store unless I was pregnant. I guess I was "saving" it for myself. It wasn't hard to avoid the store while I was living in AR because there wasn't one in our area but now that I'm back in TX, there are more than a few.
Of course our errands included a stop in a shopping center with a Buy Buy Baby. I noticed it and ignored it but I saw my sister's face light up when she saw it. She excitedly informed me that of course we were going in, that we just HAD to. Now, I know her and she's always been very sensitive about my IF past. And I had also never said a word about how I was "saving" the store for myself one day, because, well, that sounds slightly insane. So I know she wasn't being mean or anything and she even told me that we didn't have to go in, if I didn't want to. But, I simply can't refuse my little sister and I really thought I'd be ok.
Nobody told me that the entire freaking store smells like baby powder. Or that it is THE spot for strollers and I am obsessed with strollers, I love researching them on days when my baby fever is through the roof. I was fine for about 30 minutes and then I had reached my limit. Luckily we left not long after that. I told her about how I had been "saving" it and she felt so badly about us stopping by but I told her it was ok. She really is very understanding and supportive about my feelings.
The thing is, I am not preventing a baby. After I had my IUD removed at the end of May, we did use protection for a while, but we decided to stop preventing and see what happens. Nothing has happened, obviously. The IUD has really messed with my body so my cycle still hasn't returned and that's always been an issue for me anyway. I'm not currently on metformin either. So, I know that of course it's not going to happen right now and I know that it actually might not ever happen. But that doesn't make the negative pregnancy tests any easier on me.
So, here I am, TTC again. It's such a weird feeling to be back in that mode after so much IF. I'm conflicted about it all but I know that I have to try for a baby. Because if I never try then I'll never know, and that would always haunt me. At least this way, if it doesn't happen, I can accept that it just wasn't in the cards for me and truly move on. I'm 32, M is 36, I'll imagine we'll not prevent for the next few years until I'm 36. It's very loosely a plan. A TTC plan. Again. After all this IF. I have to laugh or else I'll cry.
Of course our errands included a stop in a shopping center with a Buy Buy Baby. I noticed it and ignored it but I saw my sister's face light up when she saw it. She excitedly informed me that of course we were going in, that we just HAD to. Now, I know her and she's always been very sensitive about my IF past. And I had also never said a word about how I was "saving" the store for myself one day, because, well, that sounds slightly insane. So I know she wasn't being mean or anything and she even told me that we didn't have to go in, if I didn't want to. But, I simply can't refuse my little sister and I really thought I'd be ok.
Nobody told me that the entire freaking store smells like baby powder. Or that it is THE spot for strollers and I am obsessed with strollers, I love researching them on days when my baby fever is through the roof. I was fine for about 30 minutes and then I had reached my limit. Luckily we left not long after that. I told her about how I had been "saving" it and she felt so badly about us stopping by but I told her it was ok. She really is very understanding and supportive about my feelings.
The thing is, I am not preventing a baby. After I had my IUD removed at the end of May, we did use protection for a while, but we decided to stop preventing and see what happens. Nothing has happened, obviously. The IUD has really messed with my body so my cycle still hasn't returned and that's always been an issue for me anyway. I'm not currently on metformin either. So, I know that of course it's not going to happen right now and I know that it actually might not ever happen. But that doesn't make the negative pregnancy tests any easier on me.
So, here I am, TTC again. It's such a weird feeling to be back in that mode after so much IF. I'm conflicted about it all but I know that I have to try for a baby. Because if I never try then I'll never know, and that would always haunt me. At least this way, if it doesn't happen, I can accept that it just wasn't in the cards for me and truly move on. I'm 32, M is 36, I'll imagine we'll not prevent for the next few years until I'm 36. It's very loosely a plan. A TTC plan. Again. After all this IF. I have to laugh or else I'll cry.
September 21, 2015
The future
Life has been a whirlwind lately! M's new job is going wonderfully and adjusting to his new schedule has been easier than anticipated. He's off Fridays and Saturdays and since I'm listing the house for sale in December, we spend those two days working on house stuff. So much painting and clearing out closets, drawers, and cabinets! I'm so dreading actually packing everything up but we decided to go ahead and pack up the Spring/Summer stuff since we don't really need it anymore. Our to-do list is a mile long but I know we're get it all done in time, hopefully at least!
It's definitely bittersweet to be leaving this house. On one hand, it's a relief to know I'll soon be free from dealing with XH but on the other hand, I'll miss all the space and potential this house has. I'll also miss having my family living with me! They've been such a blessing, even when we're all cranky about how often the dishwasher is run or someone taking too long to get their clothes out of the dryer! My feelings about this house are complicated, it was the final straw in my first marriage ending but it's also where I healed, started two businesses, and started my life with M.
Speaking of M, we're looking at places. I'm unsure if we'll buy or rent, I'm not finding anything that fits my vision for the future to buy but I dread the idea of returning to renting after seven years of homeowner-ship. I guess we'll see the closer we get to December. I am excited to have privacy with M though! It'll be nice to set up our home together and maybe adopt a couple more pets.
The future is bright and I love it!
It's definitely bittersweet to be leaving this house. On one hand, it's a relief to know I'll soon be free from dealing with XH but on the other hand, I'll miss all the space and potential this house has. I'll also miss having my family living with me! They've been such a blessing, even when we're all cranky about how often the dishwasher is run or someone taking too long to get their clothes out of the dryer! My feelings about this house are complicated, it was the final straw in my first marriage ending but it's also where I healed, started two businesses, and started my life with M.
Speaking of M, we're looking at places. I'm unsure if we'll buy or rent, I'm not finding anything that fits my vision for the future to buy but I dread the idea of returning to renting after seven years of homeowner-ship. I guess we'll see the closer we get to December. I am excited to have privacy with M though! It'll be nice to set up our home together and maybe adopt a couple more pets.
The future is bright and I love it!
August 22, 2015
Since he's been gone
My Dad's birthday was this week, he would have turned 58. I imagine we all would have gone out to eat and then gathered around him with a cake lit with bunches of candles. He'd tease the grandkids, my big brother and him would talk about work, and he'd bicker with my Mom over mundane things. It would be the same scene that played out over and over throughout the years. Funny how you don't realize how much the same ol' thing means to you until you don't have it anymore.
Instead, we all spent the day pulled into different directions. Acknowledging the day through group texts and a quick mention when we did happen to see each other. Only a couple of us made it to the cemetery, something I feel extremely guilty about now because I didn't make it out there. I was too swamped with work, playing catch up after a weekend spent at the hospital with my sick grandma. I was up late that night, after the house had long gone silent. I made my way outside to sit beneath the dark sky and just started talking to my Dad. Wished him a happy birthday, if he even celebrates it in Heaven. Told him how much I miss and love him, reminisced a little. I made my way back inside afterward and crept into bed next to a man whom my Dad never laid eyes on. It just struck me as so very odd. And incredibly sad.
Almost daily I remark to M how much I wish they could have met. How sad I am that he will never meet the man who is my hero. My Dad only exists to him through memories and pictures, which never really capture the true essence of a person. And really, how could they? How could they convey how truly funny, sarcastic, and strong a person was? A picture doesn't tell you the way they spoke with a Texas twang, or the goofy laugh he did when truly amused by something. It doesn't reveal the man who always had an answer, who could explain every heartache in a way that made sense, or who was always up for a good adventure. They fail to show him the greatest man I've ever known. The man who helped make me the woman I am. The woman M loves so much, the woman who fought tooth and nail to be this person he adores.
I so wish things were different. I wish he were here to see all the life that has happened since he's been gone. I wish I could talk to him, see him, hug him, laugh with him. I guess I'll always wish for more of him. People tell me that's just a part of living life with a deceased loved one. Always wishing for just one more day.
I gotta be honest, it's a real bitch.
Instead, we all spent the day pulled into different directions. Acknowledging the day through group texts and a quick mention when we did happen to see each other. Only a couple of us made it to the cemetery, something I feel extremely guilty about now because I didn't make it out there. I was too swamped with work, playing catch up after a weekend spent at the hospital with my sick grandma. I was up late that night, after the house had long gone silent. I made my way outside to sit beneath the dark sky and just started talking to my Dad. Wished him a happy birthday, if he even celebrates it in Heaven. Told him how much I miss and love him, reminisced a little. I made my way back inside afterward and crept into bed next to a man whom my Dad never laid eyes on. It just struck me as so very odd. And incredibly sad.
Almost daily I remark to M how much I wish they could have met. How sad I am that he will never meet the man who is my hero. My Dad only exists to him through memories and pictures, which never really capture the true essence of a person. And really, how could they? How could they convey how truly funny, sarcastic, and strong a person was? A picture doesn't tell you the way they spoke with a Texas twang, or the goofy laugh he did when truly amused by something. It doesn't reveal the man who always had an answer, who could explain every heartache in a way that made sense, or who was always up for a good adventure. They fail to show him the greatest man I've ever known. The man who helped make me the woman I am. The woman M loves so much, the woman who fought tooth and nail to be this person he adores.
I so wish things were different. I wish he were here to see all the life that has happened since he's been gone. I wish I could talk to him, see him, hug him, laugh with him. I guess I'll always wish for more of him. People tell me that's just a part of living life with a deceased loved one. Always wishing for just one more day.
I gotta be honest, it's a real bitch.
June 22, 2015
Another Awkward Encounter
The Cowboy and I officially celebrated two years this month! We spent the day before our anniversary browsing a few museums, we got completely swept up in the Museum of Fine Arts- Houston and just got lost among all the beauty. I highly recommend doing that! The actual day of our anniversary we slept in and had breakfast in bed before dragging ourselves out to run some errands. One of those errands involved a cell phone store and while waiting our turn, XH and his GF came walking in.
I spied them through the window before they entered and XH looked so happy and relaxed. I quickly turned around so I could put my back to the store, I just was dreading the inevitable awkward encounter. Luckily, the Cowboy and I were kinda hidden but XH happened to walk around the display blocking us and when he recognized us, he stopped and his eyes got huge. I jokingly told him, "Well, this is awkward." He agreed and walked away. He promptly went back over to her and, I kid you not, proceeded to get all over her, like he was a horny teenager. It was hilarious. We finished up our business and left without a second glance. I was stunned though. Two incidents in a month, what are the damn chances?! I have no ill feelings toward them but obviously I'd prefer not to see either of their faces.
But, the more important thing is that the Cowboy and I have been together for two years. It's really gone by so quickly! It's hard to believe this all started with a message on an online dating site, we sometimes forget that's how we met. But, I have no regrets and it's been so much fun with him, he makes life interesting. We're having a really fun summer so far and have even more fun planned ahead.
Hope you're squeezing every drop of goodness out of this Summer too!
I spied them through the window before they entered and XH looked so happy and relaxed. I quickly turned around so I could put my back to the store, I just was dreading the inevitable awkward encounter. Luckily, the Cowboy and I were kinda hidden but XH happened to walk around the display blocking us and when he recognized us, he stopped and his eyes got huge. I jokingly told him, "Well, this is awkward." He agreed and walked away. He promptly went back over to her and, I kid you not, proceeded to get all over her, like he was a horny teenager. It was hilarious. We finished up our business and left without a second glance. I was stunned though. Two incidents in a month, what are the damn chances?! I have no ill feelings toward them but obviously I'd prefer not to see either of their faces.
But, the more important thing is that the Cowboy and I have been together for two years. It's really gone by so quickly! It's hard to believe this all started with a message on an online dating site, we sometimes forget that's how we met. But, I have no regrets and it's been so much fun with him, he makes life interesting. We're having a really fun summer so far and have even more fun planned ahead.
Hope you're squeezing every drop of goodness out of this Summer too!
July 11, 2014
It's Friday!
Having a live-in boyfriend is loads of fun and a lot of adjustment. It's nice having him here for all the cuddle time I want but it's hard getting use to the fact that he doesn't go home. I was very use to my alone time and quite comfortable with it! But, I'm adjusting and he is too so it's going well.
Anyway, it's Friday! So, this week I'm grateful for:
* finally getting my braces off 20 months after I got them on, it feels great!
* buying photography equipment
* getting my hair done
* long phone calls with my BFF in Arkansas, I miss her so very much!
* getting M hooked on True Blood, we are watching Season 4 right now
* stormy nights spent in bed with a cute guy
* cucumber margaritas with a good friend
* small niece turned 5 and her birthday shoot was so much fun!
Life is calm and good right now. I'm having fun soaking up everything fun about Summer but I'm looking forward to the Fall, of course! Couple of trips coming up and I'm looking forward to those too. Have a great weekend, lovies!
Anyway, it's Friday! So, this week I'm grateful for:
* finally getting my braces off 20 months after I got them on, it feels great!
* buying photography equipment
* getting my hair done
* long phone calls with my BFF in Arkansas, I miss her so very much!
* getting M hooked on True Blood, we are watching Season 4 right now
* stormy nights spent in bed with a cute guy
* cucumber margaritas with a good friend
* small niece turned 5 and her birthday shoot was so much fun!
Life is calm and good right now. I'm having fun soaking up everything fun about Summer but I'm looking forward to the Fall, of course! Couple of trips coming up and I'm looking forward to those too. Have a great weekend, lovies!
June 24, 2014
Moving In
So, it's been a year since I met the Cowboy aka M and a year since we went on our first date, I introduced him here. I never expected to find anything meaningful and was quite content to just play around on my own. Isn't it funny how God had other plans? It hasn't been smooth, it was a learning process for me to be in a relationship that wasn't with my XH but M was very, very patient with me and I am grateful. It's no surprise that we fell in love. Falling in love as an adult was, and continues to be, the most incredible experience.
I posted a while back about being in a strange spot with our relationship because of the whole marriage thing. Once we finally talked, it was such a relief and I felt so much better for us to be on the same page. We now agree that maybe, one day in the future, we will get engaged but for now, we're happy just being together. There is no rush and neither of us needs to make it official to continue on.
But, we did move in together! Or rather, he moved in with me and my already full house but everyone likes him and supported the decision. It's quite nice to have him here, we are both enjoying it immensely! Although, it's been an adjustment, of course. I don't mind sharing the closet but sharing one of my dressers made me slightly grumpy. But, he helps cook and clean so that makes the annoyance easier to handle....ha!
I'm happy and in love, it's wonderful. M has been the biggest surprise but definitely one of the best. It's a new chapter and I'm excited to see what it brings!
I posted a while back about being in a strange spot with our relationship because of the whole marriage thing. Once we finally talked, it was such a relief and I felt so much better for us to be on the same page. We now agree that maybe, one day in the future, we will get engaged but for now, we're happy just being together. There is no rush and neither of us needs to make it official to continue on.
But, we did move in together! Or rather, he moved in with me and my already full house but everyone likes him and supported the decision. It's quite nice to have him here, we are both enjoying it immensely! Although, it's been an adjustment, of course. I don't mind sharing the closet but sharing one of my dressers made me slightly grumpy. But, he helps cook and clean so that makes the annoyance easier to handle....ha!
I'm happy and in love, it's wonderful. M has been the biggest surprise but definitely one of the best. It's a new chapter and I'm excited to see what it brings!
April 29, 2014
Talking Marriage
Yet another sleepless night, I've noticed these tend to happen when I have a lot on my mind. So many thoughts and feelings tumbling around in my mind always equals no sleep and countless hours playing on my phone while the night passes. I'm currently sitting at my kitchen table, the only light coming from my laptop and my headphones hooked up to my iphone so I can listen to music while I type this. Even the dogs are asleep, having given up on me about two hours ago. It's fine because sad country music is the perfect muse to get all these feelings out anyway.
It seems my life is currently at an impasse. Or, rather, my relationship is. We've been dating almost 11 months. I'm not quite sure how that happened. It seems like just yesterday we were walking the beach and spending sultry Summer nights making out and drinking beer. I feel like I blinked and here I am, almost a year later, with a wonderful boyfriend who mentioned marriage to me. Like, he legit said to me that it would be a year soon and wouldn't that be a great time to get engaged. And because I'm a giddy little schoolgirl, part of me squealed and thought about pretty wedding dresses and flowers and cake. Then, the other part of me, the cynical, practical, marriage-wary grown up, heard the screeching sound of brakes being abruptly put on.
I'm not sure if I want to get married again but I do know for sure that I'm definitely not wanting to get married now, not quite 19 months after my split. I just can't even flirt with the idea, because when I do toy with it and look online at rings, my left hand just starts to feel heavy. I start to freak out a little and to be honest I can't stand the thought of a ring on my hand. The idea of being Mrs. Cowboy seriously makes my heart sink. Clearly, I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure I'll ever want to be Mrs. Somebody again. I just can't picture that. I don't know, maybe it's still the bitterness but I just can't.
We talked about this last month and I thought we were on the same page but I'm not quite so sure anymore. This man wants to marry me and I'm over here freaking out about the mere idea. I love him, he's a wonderful guy and in so many ways, he's perfection. We're a great match. But (and why in the hell does there have to be a but?) something just feels off to me and that makes me feel absolutely awful.
Of course, there's always the distinct possibility that I am WAY over thinking this and just having normal anxieties after everything that happened with XH. But, it's not fair to him to keep him waiting while I figure that out. Him and I need to have a major talk and I am dreading it so much. Fuck man! This whole relationship thing is hard.
It seems my life is currently at an impasse. Or, rather, my relationship is. We've been dating almost 11 months. I'm not quite sure how that happened. It seems like just yesterday we were walking the beach and spending sultry Summer nights making out and drinking beer. I feel like I blinked and here I am, almost a year later, with a wonderful boyfriend who mentioned marriage to me. Like, he legit said to me that it would be a year soon and wouldn't that be a great time to get engaged. And because I'm a giddy little schoolgirl, part of me squealed and thought about pretty wedding dresses and flowers and cake. Then, the other part of me, the cynical, practical, marriage-wary grown up, heard the screeching sound of brakes being abruptly put on.
I'm not sure if I want to get married again but I do know for sure that I'm definitely not wanting to get married now, not quite 19 months after my split. I just can't even flirt with the idea, because when I do toy with it and look online at rings, my left hand just starts to feel heavy. I start to freak out a little and to be honest I can't stand the thought of a ring on my hand. The idea of being Mrs. Cowboy seriously makes my heart sink. Clearly, I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure I'll ever want to be Mrs. Somebody again. I just can't picture that. I don't know, maybe it's still the bitterness but I just can't.
We talked about this last month and I thought we were on the same page but I'm not quite so sure anymore. This man wants to marry me and I'm over here freaking out about the mere idea. I love him, he's a wonderful guy and in so many ways, he's perfection. We're a great match. But (and why in the hell does there have to be a but?) something just feels off to me and that makes me feel absolutely awful.
Of course, there's always the distinct possibility that I am WAY over thinking this and just having normal anxieties after everything that happened with XH. But, it's not fair to him to keep him waiting while I figure that out. Him and I need to have a major talk and I am dreading it so much. Fuck man! This whole relationship thing is hard.
February 12, 2014
So this is love
I knew from the first moment I set eyes on the Cowboy that he was going to be trouble. Or, rather, that I was in trouble. Totally my type with a beard, tattoos, piercings, and we have so much in common it's scary. The more time we spent together, the more obvious it became that he was different and that our relationship was something special. I have so much fun with him, even when we're just cuddling and watching tv. I love that he accepts me for exactly who I am and doesn't bat an eye at the qualities about me that drove C crazy. It's refreshing. So it should be no surprise that I fell in love with the Cowboy.
But it still surprises me that I feel this way. He said the words first, very accidentally one night when I was coughing like crazy. I said them about a week later, very much on purpose. At first, I kept thinking this was my rebound because it just had to be, right? I mean, he had to be my rebound because I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was having so much fun being a slut. But, here we are 8 months later and I no longer think he's a rebound. He's a surprise I wasn't planning on but he's the best surprise I never knew I wanted. I'm happy and it's a happy that I haven't felt in so very long.
That being said, I'm still unsure about ever getting married again and absolutely not in any rush. He's divorced too so he understands my feelings and isn't in any rush either. We just enjoy each other, say I love you often and don't worry too much about the future. Our relationship is in no way perfect but we talk through our issues and are on the same page about most things, so we seldom seriously disagree. It's nice and easy and not complicated. He's a breath of fresh air.
I've never been big into Valentine's Day but I'm excited this year. I've never been a sappy girl but oh man does this guy bring out my inner girly girl. He's a hopeless romantic and I'm very much enjoying that. I wish I could go back to the broken Amanda I was a year ago and tell her to keep her head up because the future will be so worth all the anguish and pain. I'd tell her to cling to her hope because hope never fails.
But it still surprises me that I feel this way. He said the words first, very accidentally one night when I was coughing like crazy. I said them about a week later, very much on purpose. At first, I kept thinking this was my rebound because it just had to be, right? I mean, he had to be my rebound because I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was having so much fun being a slut. But, here we are 8 months later and I no longer think he's a rebound. He's a surprise I wasn't planning on but he's the best surprise I never knew I wanted. I'm happy and it's a happy that I haven't felt in so very long.
That being said, I'm still unsure about ever getting married again and absolutely not in any rush. He's divorced too so he understands my feelings and isn't in any rush either. We just enjoy each other, say I love you often and don't worry too much about the future. Our relationship is in no way perfect but we talk through our issues and are on the same page about most things, so we seldom seriously disagree. It's nice and easy and not complicated. He's a breath of fresh air.
I've never been big into Valentine's Day but I'm excited this year. I've never been a sappy girl but oh man does this guy bring out my inner girly girl. He's a hopeless romantic and I'm very much enjoying that. I wish I could go back to the broken Amanda I was a year ago and tell her to keep her head up because the future will be so worth all the anguish and pain. I'd tell her to cling to her hope because hope never fails.
January 28, 2014
Restlessness, again
It's been a while since that old familiar feeling of restlessness has hit me. But, oh man, has it hit me hardcore lately. I just feel so restless and down these days. I suspect it has something to do with my doctor making adjustments to my antidepressant. I'm adamant about weaning off, which nobody thinks is a good idea, but I just don't want to need them anymore. Or, rather, I'd like to see if I can live without them. So far, the signs aren't pointing to that being a reality for me.
I also turned 31 this week and I'm not going to lie, it stung in a way that I wasn't anticipating. I think being jobless for so long has really started to wear on me. I'm looking and sending my resume out to everything and everyone but no bites so far. It's a super confidence booster, let me tell you. I feel like my life is just drifting and I really hate it. I need routine and schedule, it's what helps me thrive. Which is surprising to me since I spent my entire marriage being a SAHW, I was in college for a while though, and only worked briefly last year. But, I was so happy working and being productive. It's definitely what is missing in my life these days.
Adding to my stress is stuff with the Cowboy. His mom has MS and is currently in the hospital with complications. With my PTSD, it's very difficult for me to be in that environment. I'm trying to be there for him but it's mentally exhausting to spend so much time fighting my triggers and to have so much of that hospital lingo back in my life. He's very understanding of it, well, as much as he can be for someone who has never dealt with it before. He's a terrific guy but I'm at war with myself internally and it's affecting my relationship, which sucks. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and it's really weighing on my mind lately.
So, basically, I'm a mess right now. But, I'm in a much better place than I was at this point last year, so I'm pretty grateful for that. I never thought I'd be 31, divorced and jobless. But, even with all these issues, I'm still happier on the bad days than I was on the good days in my marriage. So, I know I'm on the right track and that really gives me hope. This is so not the life I pictured and that is both bad and good. Bad for the obvious reasons but good because my life now is so much more than I had ever thought about it being a couple years ago. It's no secret that I didn't want this divorce but now I am grateful for it. Grateful because it set off a chain of events that have led me on my biggest adventures yet. Grateful because I've learned so much about myself these last 15 months and grown by leaps and bounds.
So, I'm down and restless but I know that it'll turn around. 30 was a very eventful year for me and I'm hopeful that 31 will be even better. Filled with the perfect amounts of bad and good. I've never said that starting over would be easy but it is so worth all the tears and pain and dark nights I endured. That much I am sure of.
I also turned 31 this week and I'm not going to lie, it stung in a way that I wasn't anticipating. I think being jobless for so long has really started to wear on me. I'm looking and sending my resume out to everything and everyone but no bites so far. It's a super confidence booster, let me tell you. I feel like my life is just drifting and I really hate it. I need routine and schedule, it's what helps me thrive. Which is surprising to me since I spent my entire marriage being a SAHW, I was in college for a while though, and only worked briefly last year. But, I was so happy working and being productive. It's definitely what is missing in my life these days.
Adding to my stress is stuff with the Cowboy. His mom has MS and is currently in the hospital with complications. With my PTSD, it's very difficult for me to be in that environment. I'm trying to be there for him but it's mentally exhausting to spend so much time fighting my triggers and to have so much of that hospital lingo back in my life. He's very understanding of it, well, as much as he can be for someone who has never dealt with it before. He's a terrific guy but I'm at war with myself internally and it's affecting my relationship, which sucks. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and it's really weighing on my mind lately.
So, basically, I'm a mess right now. But, I'm in a much better place than I was at this point last year, so I'm pretty grateful for that. I never thought I'd be 31, divorced and jobless. But, even with all these issues, I'm still happier on the bad days than I was on the good days in my marriage. So, I know I'm on the right track and that really gives me hope. This is so not the life I pictured and that is both bad and good. Bad for the obvious reasons but good because my life now is so much more than I had ever thought about it being a couple years ago. It's no secret that I didn't want this divorce but now I am grateful for it. Grateful because it set off a chain of events that have led me on my biggest adventures yet. Grateful because I've learned so much about myself these last 15 months and grown by leaps and bounds.
So, I'm down and restless but I know that it'll turn around. 30 was a very eventful year for me and I'm hopeful that 31 will be even better. Filled with the perfect amounts of bad and good. I've never said that starting over would be easy but it is so worth all the tears and pain and dark nights I endured. That much I am sure of.
January 9, 2014
helpless female syndrome
Most days I feel like a competent, functioning adult. I go about my day feeling like I totally rock this whole being grown up shit. Then there are those days where I'm just like lolololol, just kidding! There's no way I'm about to be 31 and who let me be responsible for big decisions. Just leave me alone and let me play mahjong titans while I listen to BSB and N*Sync on repeat while I munch on chips and m&m's.
Being an adult didn't seem so challenging when I was still married, I mean, we were going through some very heavy, adult issues but we had each other to lean on. But that's not what trips me up these days. It's so many other little things that really bother me and sometimes cause me to curse the day C walked out. For example, choosing a new exterminator, repairs on my car, looking over health plans, choosing new flooring for the house, having to figure out what plants I want for the landscaping update and the house needs gutters but, what color? And do I want them around the entire house or just certain areas? But, oh shit, wait, the dogs need to go to the vet and how can I manage to get all three there and Bella has epilepsy and the vet is throwing scary questions at me, what do I say? I realize these are questions and problems that really aren't that hard but they're ones I always discussed with C. So I always had someone to turn to and look at for their input. In many ways, I miss that. I miss an equally invested partner that looks at these questions from my point of view. You know, the view of the owner/person paying for this shit. The Cowboy is awesome to bounce ideas off but at the end of the day, this isn't his stuff so he's not that invested. Nor do I expect him to be at this point.
I just get overwhelmed sometimes and it sucks. I get very frustrated with myself when I get like this too because it just feels very "helpless female syndrome" to me and I refuse to be that girl ever again. I don't want to depend on a guy for anything anymore. It's a real struggle within me to lean on the Cowboy for stuff. I'm very stubborn and protective of my independence so he's had to remind me several times to loosen the grips and let him take care of small things. Like hanging Christmas lights on my house, helping me bathe the dogs or take them to the vet. He's great about doing handyman stuff for me around my house too but it always makes me feel weird. It's been a real learning process for me to be single after 13 years. It's an adjustment to go from making decisions together to being the sole one responsible for everything. And I have to be honest, there are times I do call C and ask for his input. He's good about helping out when needed, I'm grateful for that.
A plus side of being adult though is that I can drink and wine is the perfect solution for a tough day. I already know which bottle I'll be opening tonight! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play legos with my four year old niece because I'm over being an adult today.
oh! And Happy New Year! May 2014 bring you everything you wish for and much happiness, laughter and love!
Being an adult didn't seem so challenging when I was still married, I mean, we were going through some very heavy, adult issues but we had each other to lean on. But that's not what trips me up these days. It's so many other little things that really bother me and sometimes cause me to curse the day C walked out. For example, choosing a new exterminator, repairs on my car, looking over health plans, choosing new flooring for the house, having to figure out what plants I want for the landscaping update and the house needs gutters but, what color? And do I want them around the entire house or just certain areas? But, oh shit, wait, the dogs need to go to the vet and how can I manage to get all three there and Bella has epilepsy and the vet is throwing scary questions at me, what do I say? I realize these are questions and problems that really aren't that hard but they're ones I always discussed with C. So I always had someone to turn to and look at for their input. In many ways, I miss that. I miss an equally invested partner that looks at these questions from my point of view. You know, the view of the owner/person paying for this shit. The Cowboy is awesome to bounce ideas off but at the end of the day, this isn't his stuff so he's not that invested. Nor do I expect him to be at this point.
I just get overwhelmed sometimes and it sucks. I get very frustrated with myself when I get like this too because it just feels very "helpless female syndrome" to me and I refuse to be that girl ever again. I don't want to depend on a guy for anything anymore. It's a real struggle within me to lean on the Cowboy for stuff. I'm very stubborn and protective of my independence so he's had to remind me several times to loosen the grips and let him take care of small things. Like hanging Christmas lights on my house, helping me bathe the dogs or take them to the vet. He's great about doing handyman stuff for me around my house too but it always makes me feel weird. It's been a real learning process for me to be single after 13 years. It's an adjustment to go from making decisions together to being the sole one responsible for everything. And I have to be honest, there are times I do call C and ask for his input. He's good about helping out when needed, I'm grateful for that.
A plus side of being adult though is that I can drink and wine is the perfect solution for a tough day. I already know which bottle I'll be opening tonight! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play legos with my four year old niece because I'm over being an adult today.
oh! And Happy New Year! May 2014 bring you everything you wish for and much happiness, laughter and love!
December 17, 2013
Tangled
I can distinctly remember the rage filled day that I emptied C's dresser into boxes, how my eyes swept over the very familiar clothes and how I felt that tiny pinch of ache but scooped it all up anyway. I angrily threw everything in boxes, not letting myself feel anything but rage. I tackled our closet next, yanking clothes off hangers and stuffing them into the almost overflowing box. Shirts he had worn when we were teens and shirts I had bought him...I just couldn't stand to walk into my closet and see his stuff there anymore. Hanging there like he was just going to come home and slip back into our life. I swept the entire house; every drawer, cabinet and closet to collect his things. I then promptly drove it all over to his parents' house and stacked in their garage, trying not to give into my MIL's tears or my FIL's pleas to work it out with C. (like I wasn't desperately trying/wishing/hoping/praying for that but whatever)
That was last December. In the following months, I would randomly come across his things even still. It's not easy to untangle 13 years of couple-hood and our lives were so entwined that it wasn't too surprising to me. The anger had dissipated so I actually kept a small box in my study where I'd toss in whatever was his and give to him whenever he stopped by. I found enough stuff that every visit ended with him taking a box. The last couple of months though, there's been nothing found. I guess I finally separated our lives, it only took me over a year. And I'm not going to lie, it was bittersweet to realize. On one hand, it's nice to not be struck by an unexpected memory when I come across some little trinket he loved but on the other hand, I have successfully gotten rid of any trace of C from my house. It's odd.
Not long after I packed up his clothes, I went through the house and took down pictures of him and I went through photo album after photo album removing pictures. It was time to not have his face everywhere but what I didn't realize though was I needed to go through my own stuff and put away anything that screamed C. When the Cowboy started staying over, I quickly realized it though! So, once again, I went through my dressers and my closet. Mainly it was tossing lingerie! But I've kept a lot, there is a box in my attic filled with things. Wedding pictures and our video, a photo album I had filled with just pictures of us, pictures of him with my family, the nightie I wore our wedding night, etc. Stuff that I just don't want to throw away but I don't want in my face either.
Last night I decided to clean out a drawer for the Cowboy. A big step, yes. But he needs a place to keep some extra shirts and socks. I wasn't keeping anything important in it anyway so I tossed the stuff into another drawer that I rarely dig in because it just has pantyhose and rarely worn bras in it. But, there at the bottom, were two pairs of panties that I had completely forgotten about. One had the word "Bride" written in blue across the front and the other had Mrs.Married Name across the butt. And, for the first time in a while, it actually hurt to see something from my married life. I remember buying them online and how excited I was to wear them for C.
I've successfully untangled the tangible parts of our shared life. I just wish I knew how to box up the memories and feelings along with them. There's hardly a memory that isn't shared with him. And while I have moved on from my marriage, it still is weird to have all these memories. They don't really hurt but they aren't exactly feeling me with warm fuzzies either. I hope in time I'm able to make peace with them and learn how to coexist with them. I want to be able to have a nice balance, where I can remember C and smile but not regret that we are over. Where I can smile at the man in my life and be grateful for all the new memories being made.
That was last December. In the following months, I would randomly come across his things even still. It's not easy to untangle 13 years of couple-hood and our lives were so entwined that it wasn't too surprising to me. The anger had dissipated so I actually kept a small box in my study where I'd toss in whatever was his and give to him whenever he stopped by. I found enough stuff that every visit ended with him taking a box. The last couple of months though, there's been nothing found. I guess I finally separated our lives, it only took me over a year. And I'm not going to lie, it was bittersweet to realize. On one hand, it's nice to not be struck by an unexpected memory when I come across some little trinket he loved but on the other hand, I have successfully gotten rid of any trace of C from my house. It's odd.
Not long after I packed up his clothes, I went through the house and took down pictures of him and I went through photo album after photo album removing pictures. It was time to not have his face everywhere but what I didn't realize though was I needed to go through my own stuff and put away anything that screamed C. When the Cowboy started staying over, I quickly realized it though! So, once again, I went through my dressers and my closet. Mainly it was tossing lingerie! But I've kept a lot, there is a box in my attic filled with things. Wedding pictures and our video, a photo album I had filled with just pictures of us, pictures of him with my family, the nightie I wore our wedding night, etc. Stuff that I just don't want to throw away but I don't want in my face either.
Last night I decided to clean out a drawer for the Cowboy. A big step, yes. But he needs a place to keep some extra shirts and socks. I wasn't keeping anything important in it anyway so I tossed the stuff into another drawer that I rarely dig in because it just has pantyhose and rarely worn bras in it. But, there at the bottom, were two pairs of panties that I had completely forgotten about. One had the word "Bride" written in blue across the front and the other had Mrs.Married Name across the butt. And, for the first time in a while, it actually hurt to see something from my married life. I remember buying them online and how excited I was to wear them for C.
I've successfully untangled the tangible parts of our shared life. I just wish I knew how to box up the memories and feelings along with them. There's hardly a memory that isn't shared with him. And while I have moved on from my marriage, it still is weird to have all these memories. They don't really hurt but they aren't exactly feeling me with warm fuzzies either. I hope in time I'm able to make peace with them and learn how to coexist with them. I want to be able to have a nice balance, where I can remember C and smile but not regret that we are over. Where I can smile at the man in my life and be grateful for all the new memories being made.
November 14, 2013
Weirdness
Things have been weird lately. Not super weird, but a little weird. Weird enough to give me a feeling of uneasiness. I don't like it because it makes me think there's something coming my way and I really don't like to be caught unprepared. I need a sense of control over my life and that's not surprising considering my Dad's death and my divorce both spun my world out of control. Issues? Why, yes, I do have issues now. Thanks for noticing!
Saturday will officially mark a year since I filed for divorce, a divorce that still is NOT FINAL. Coming to an agreement over our finances has proven to be quite problematic. Now his lawyer is threatening going to court, which my lawyer laughs at because we would slaughter him in court with the pictures I have of him making out with a stupid skank. Not to mention the phone records and friends who have all said the relationship started during our marriage. We filed for divorce in a very conservative district, you know, good ol' boys and all that jazz. And they don't take kindly to men who cheat on their grieving wives so soon after a death in the family.
Despite the issues with our agreement, we actually don't fight when we do talk. He calls me just about every three days, just to check in on the progress with the divorce or to ask me a stupid question. He then chats my ear off about work, his friends or a hobby he's recently taken up. It's just so odd to talk to him like we're friends, like we've never seen each other naked or loved each other or married each other, for that matter. I keep my guard up with him and never discuss anything of true depth. Just house stuff or car stuff or something funny my nephews and nieces said/did.
The Cowboy gets increasingly annoyed by these phone calls. One lasted about an hour and I could tell it bothered him. I'm not sure why I stay on the phone or why C feels the need to call me. Or I do have a suspicion but I'd rather not think about it. I don't want C to admit to some great revelation about regretting this or still loving me. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want him anymore. Quite a turnaround from me posting last year asking for y'all to pray for my marriage's resurrection. Hindsight, yep, hindsight.
I'm still doing good. Job hunting still, which is a bitch. Still having a good time with the Cowboy. Currently having a lot of fun with NaNoWriMo and battling a slight fever. Seriously, wrote part of this with a thermometer in my mouth. Did I tell y'all I got braces last year? I went straight from my orthodontist to the lawyer's office to file for divorce so it'll be a year with them this weekend too. My teeth look amazing! And I look like a little kid and get carded all.the.time. now. It's great fun until they gasp in shock once they realize I'm 30 years old.
But, it's almost midnight here, which means it's almost Friday, which means let me end by listing a few things I'm grateful for. This week I'm grateful for:
* cold fronts! Yay for sweaters, boots and leggings!
* coffee, bc without it, I wouldn't be writing as much or able to soothe my achy throat
* Tar.get bc a trip for one item, turned into me leaving with much more
* finding the mixed tapes I made in junior high and listening to some awesome music like Immature, Dru Hill, Aaliyah and Xscape...the 90's were awesome!
* cousins who make me laugh and want to hang out, they hold some very precious memories of late family members, like my Dad and my Grandpa
Have a great weekend, soak it up and enjoy every second!
Saturday will officially mark a year since I filed for divorce, a divorce that still is NOT FINAL. Coming to an agreement over our finances has proven to be quite problematic. Now his lawyer is threatening going to court, which my lawyer laughs at because we would slaughter him in court with the pictures I have of him making out with a stupid skank. Not to mention the phone records and friends who have all said the relationship started during our marriage. We filed for divorce in a very conservative district, you know, good ol' boys and all that jazz. And they don't take kindly to men who cheat on their grieving wives so soon after a death in the family.
Despite the issues with our agreement, we actually don't fight when we do talk. He calls me just about every three days, just to check in on the progress with the divorce or to ask me a stupid question. He then chats my ear off about work, his friends or a hobby he's recently taken up. It's just so odd to talk to him like we're friends, like we've never seen each other naked or loved each other or married each other, for that matter. I keep my guard up with him and never discuss anything of true depth. Just house stuff or car stuff or something funny my nephews and nieces said/did.
The Cowboy gets increasingly annoyed by these phone calls. One lasted about an hour and I could tell it bothered him. I'm not sure why I stay on the phone or why C feels the need to call me. Or I do have a suspicion but I'd rather not think about it. I don't want C to admit to some great revelation about regretting this or still loving me. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want him anymore. Quite a turnaround from me posting last year asking for y'all to pray for my marriage's resurrection. Hindsight, yep, hindsight.
I'm still doing good. Job hunting still, which is a bitch. Still having a good time with the Cowboy. Currently having a lot of fun with NaNoWriMo and battling a slight fever. Seriously, wrote part of this with a thermometer in my mouth. Did I tell y'all I got braces last year? I went straight from my orthodontist to the lawyer's office to file for divorce so it'll be a year with them this weekend too. My teeth look amazing! And I look like a little kid and get carded all.the.time. now. It's great fun until they gasp in shock once they realize I'm 30 years old.
But, it's almost midnight here, which means it's almost Friday, which means let me end by listing a few things I'm grateful for. This week I'm grateful for:
* cold fronts! Yay for sweaters, boots and leggings!
* coffee, bc without it, I wouldn't be writing as much or able to soothe my achy throat
* Tar.get bc a trip for one item, turned into me leaving with much more
* finding the mixed tapes I made in junior high and listening to some awesome music like Immature, Dru Hill, Aaliyah and Xscape...the 90's were awesome!
* cousins who make me laugh and want to hang out, they hold some very precious memories of late family members, like my Dad and my Grandpa
Have a great weekend, soak it up and enjoy every second!
October 29, 2013
My heart is happy
So, I've been dating the Cowboy for almost 5 months now. He makes this cold, black heart of mine smile. He's about as different from C as a guy could be but I like that. I wasn't planning or looking for a relationship but he came along and just changed everything! I mentioned in this post that we met online. We started messaging which led to texting which led to phone calls that lasted until 5 in the morning. I'd go into work so damn tired but grinning from ear to ear. Our first date lasted almost 12 hours and the sparks were undeniable. We became official about a month later, neither of us were interested in dating other people. We spent the most amazing Summer together and I was worried that it was just a summer romance but here we are at the end of October and still going strong.
Our dates are always fun and unpredictable, he makes me laugh so hard. My friends all like him and my dogs adore him. My family has been a slow process bc it's been difficult for them to accept a guy who isn't C, it's been a bumpy road with them. But, things are smoothing out and they're happy to see me so happy. I was so nervous to meet the Cowboy's family, considering the last time I met parents was when I was a dumb teenager. Not to mention that my relationship with my XIL's was strained due to the language barrier. But, his mom is awesome and we really get along very well! His parents are divorced and his dad isn't a big part of his life so I haven't met him yet. But he's the oldest of six with three brothers and two sisters and I've met all of them except for a brother who lives up north. His other brothers are hilarious though and I love hearing stories about the chaos four little boys caused growing up! His sisters are young- early twenties and the other is still in elementary school. The little one stole my heart and I just love her!
What surprised me about the Cowboy was just how much we have in common. It's nice to visit museums with someone who enjoys it as much as me, it's nice to watch football with someone who yells at the tv as much as me, it's nice to geek out over HP, superheroes and zombies with someone and it's nice to feel appreciated for all my little quirks. Not to mention that he can sing and that is the sexiest thing to me! He's actually auditioning for a major talent competition in the beginning of next year, maybe you'll see him on tv next season.
He's bearded, tattooed and pierced bc all of that is just so damn hot to me but he's a cowboy, hence his code name. He looks hot in a cowboy hat and in a fedora, which is now my favorite hat on a guy, ever! He's very well rounded and I like that so much. I've never had a guy touch me so gently or kiss me so passionately. The looks he gives me just melts me on a regular basis. He surprises me weekly with a different little treat- flowers, a sweet card, a corny stuffed animal or by doing something sweet like drawing me a candle lit bubble bath or giving me an amazing massage. Oh and he can cook. Seriously have no idea how he was single!
Of course he's not perfect, we do have speed bumps as I learn how to be in a relationship that isn't C and as he adjusts to dating a woman outside his race (I'm Mexican and he's White, not hugely different but different nonetheless) and also as we learn each other. Normal relationship growing pains, I gather. He's not perfect- his farts smell, he can be quite reserved and he's been through his own heartaches but I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for a guy who can be honest, faithful and perfectly content with dating a woman who is as far from perfect as a person can be. A woman who dealt with IF, buried her father and lost her long time love a mere ten months later. A woman whose family lives with her and whose XH is still around occasionally. Essentially, a man who looks at my baggage and doesn't blink an eye. Who sees me and likes what he sees.
I'm grateful he's in my life bc he's taught me so much and I am enjoying him so much. I'm cautiously excited to see where this goes.
Our dates are always fun and unpredictable, he makes me laugh so hard. My friends all like him and my dogs adore him. My family has been a slow process bc it's been difficult for them to accept a guy who isn't C, it's been a bumpy road with them. But, things are smoothing out and they're happy to see me so happy. I was so nervous to meet the Cowboy's family, considering the last time I met parents was when I was a dumb teenager. Not to mention that my relationship with my XIL's was strained due to the language barrier. But, his mom is awesome and we really get along very well! His parents are divorced and his dad isn't a big part of his life so I haven't met him yet. But he's the oldest of six with three brothers and two sisters and I've met all of them except for a brother who lives up north. His other brothers are hilarious though and I love hearing stories about the chaos four little boys caused growing up! His sisters are young- early twenties and the other is still in elementary school. The little one stole my heart and I just love her!
What surprised me about the Cowboy was just how much we have in common. It's nice to visit museums with someone who enjoys it as much as me, it's nice to watch football with someone who yells at the tv as much as me, it's nice to geek out over HP, superheroes and zombies with someone and it's nice to feel appreciated for all my little quirks. Not to mention that he can sing and that is the sexiest thing to me! He's actually auditioning for a major talent competition in the beginning of next year, maybe you'll see him on tv next season.
He's bearded, tattooed and pierced bc all of that is just so damn hot to me but he's a cowboy, hence his code name. He looks hot in a cowboy hat and in a fedora, which is now my favorite hat on a guy, ever! He's very well rounded and I like that so much. I've never had a guy touch me so gently or kiss me so passionately. The looks he gives me just melts me on a regular basis. He surprises me weekly with a different little treat- flowers, a sweet card, a corny stuffed animal or by doing something sweet like drawing me a candle lit bubble bath or giving me an amazing massage. Oh and he can cook. Seriously have no idea how he was single!
Of course he's not perfect, we do have speed bumps as I learn how to be in a relationship that isn't C and as he adjusts to dating a woman outside his race (I'm Mexican and he's White, not hugely different but different nonetheless) and also as we learn each other. Normal relationship growing pains, I gather. He's not perfect- his farts smell, he can be quite reserved and he's been through his own heartaches but I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for a guy who can be honest, faithful and perfectly content with dating a woman who is as far from perfect as a person can be. A woman who dealt with IF, buried her father and lost her long time love a mere ten months later. A woman whose family lives with her and whose XH is still around occasionally. Essentially, a man who looks at my baggage and doesn't blink an eye. Who sees me and likes what he sees.
I'm grateful he's in my life bc he's taught me so much and I am enjoying him so much. I'm cautiously excited to see where this goes.
October 18, 2013
Loaded Memories
There's just so much about Fall that makes me insanely happy: the way Summer gives in, reluctantly, to Fall, decorating for Halloween, pumpkin flavored everything, pretty colored leaves that float to the ground, bright Fall skies that almost hurt your eyes, how you can pull out the leggings and boots again and keep your windows open. How the whole world seems to be settling in and getting cozy in anticipation of all the love and goodness the next 3 months bring. Needless to say, Fall is my favorite season, I just love everything about it.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
October 3, 2013
Grateful Friday
It's been a while since I last did one of these and it always feels good to remind myself of all the good that is in my life. So, this week I'm grateful for:
* my awesome friends, who always make me laugh
* my equally awesome family, they are everything to me
* finally going through boxes in the attic and throwing stuff away
* my silly dogs
* that G.lee, GA, VampireDiaries, the BBT and HIMYM are back on my tv!
* Pumpkin flavored everything, I just love it!
* decorating for Halloween and LOVING how it all came together
* the amazingly sweet Cowboy, who helped me decorate and go through boxes
* seriously, can I put the Cowboy again? He just made me really happy this week
I'm deep in Halloween mode; decorating, DIY projects, baking and planning my annual party! The Cowboy is my partner in crime and loves Halloween as much as I do so our demented minds combined has equaled some really freaky decorating ideas. I did have to deal with C this week. He showed up again to drop some more mail off and just hung around a bit to chat. I'm glad we can get along and it's nice to talk normally with him but it's also really weird. I didn't know he was coming by so the Cowboy and I had just gotten done...doing stuff...when he showed up. Awkward is an understatement. Not that C knew that but I knew that and just me knowing made me feel all kinds of weirdness. Still haven't finalized and I've actually signed the papers, twice. C is the one holding it up, always has an excuse why he won't or can't sign. It's annoying.
Anyway, have a lovely weekend! Hope it's filled with all the things that are good!
* my awesome friends, who always make me laugh
* my equally awesome family, they are everything to me
* finally going through boxes in the attic and throwing stuff away
* my silly dogs
* that G.lee, GA, VampireDiaries, the BBT and HIMYM are back on my tv!
* Pumpkin flavored everything, I just love it!
* decorating for Halloween and LOVING how it all came together
* the amazingly sweet Cowboy, who helped me decorate and go through boxes
* seriously, can I put the Cowboy again? He just made me really happy this week
I'm deep in Halloween mode; decorating, DIY projects, baking and planning my annual party! The Cowboy is my partner in crime and loves Halloween as much as I do so our demented minds combined has equaled some really freaky decorating ideas. I did have to deal with C this week. He showed up again to drop some more mail off and just hung around a bit to chat. I'm glad we can get along and it's nice to talk normally with him but it's also really weird. I didn't know he was coming by so the Cowboy and I had just gotten done...doing stuff...when he showed up. Awkward is an understatement. Not that C knew that but I knew that and just me knowing made me feel all kinds of weirdness. Still haven't finalized and I've actually signed the papers, twice. C is the one holding it up, always has an excuse why he won't or can't sign. It's annoying.
Anyway, have a lovely weekend! Hope it's filled with all the things that are good!
September 24, 2013
The Cowboy meets IF
When XH and I split up, I realized pretty quickly that it meant I would need some kind of birth control. That realization made my head spin...and my heart hurt. Granted my PCOS means I'm not exactly fertile myrtle, but I knew I didn't want to chance getting pregnant from a random if the condom broke. I have a super awesome gyno and when I got the full panel of STD testing (thanks XH for the cheating!) she made sure to emphasize that an IUD was my only option due to my various health problems. It took me a couple of months to let that sink in and to fully commit, but I got one inserted in May. Less than a week later, I also nailed my first post-divorce conquest but I digress. So, it's been interesting knowing that I, the woman who dealt with IF for 4 years, is now on birth control. But, because I was so busy being a whore, IF never really crossed my mind.
Then I met the Cowboy and along with that came the questions about why I'm 30 and child-free. I gave him a breezy answer at first, telling him that we tried but it didn't quite work out for us, that it was complicated. After we started getting more serious, I went more in depth about the details. I briefly educated him on azoo, IVF with ICSI, PCOS, and all the other crap. I touched lightly on the devastation and admitted that IF played a part in our marriage's destruction. He's a really sensitive guy so he knows it's a very touchy subject and he tries to avoid bringing it up but he does ask questions. He made it clear that he wanted children one day and told me that his ex-wife had two miscarriages during their marriage. My heart broke for him when he told me that. Heavy subjects for a 3 month old relationship but I'm 30 and he's almost 34 so I guess this is how it goes.
A couple of weeks ago, I commented on how sore my boobs were and a couple of days later, beer started tasting really weird to me. The Cowboy jokingly asked me if I was pregnant and seeing the look on my face, he quickly changed the subject. But, the look on my face wasn't one of IF related hurt, it was a look of terror as I realized I was indeed late. Cue the tears and a major freakout, which the Cowboy handled quite well, I must admit. He wanted me to POAS immediately but I knew better, my IF taught me well and I knew that my period would come just by us talking about it. Plus, I have an IUD, I'm covered on that front, right? Cue the frantic googling and more freak outs as I read about woman getting KU with an IUD. After dragging my feet for a few days, I gave in and bought a damn PG test, against my better judgment.
Seeing that BFN didn't hurt any less, if anything, it actually hurt more. I was that devastated IF'er all over again, wondering if I'd ever see a plus sign. Never-mind that a pregnancy scare with a brand new BF isn't the ideal situation, I was heartbroken. And, per the usual IF luck, my period showed up the next fucking day. I cried even more. The Cowboy was so sweet and never once pointed out how new our relationship is; didn't blink an eye that I was freaking out about possibly being pregnant, considering it would be by a man I have known 3 months. He just held me and told me goofy jokes.
The rational, logical part of me knows that it's better for me to not be pregnant but the woman who dealt with so much IF related pain, just ached. The pain of seeing a BFN, combined with the mess of emotions I was feeling by possibly being pregnant by a man who isn't XH, plus the hope I let myself feel, however briefly, just hit me like a tidal wave. I had a very bad week last week. I was angry, sad, confused, relieved, disappointed and just all around a huge emotional mess. The experience also meant that the Cowboy and I had several long talks about the emotional aspect of IF and the toll it took on both myself and XH. These talks involved a lot of tears and heavy emotions, talking about it just made the already open wounds more raw. It was so hard to dive back into those feelings, to explain how it felt to be told C was sterile, how it hurt to be around pregnant ladies and how much Mother's and Father's Day just sucked. This whole ordeal made me realize that IF will always cast a shadow over my life. It jades so much now and whoever I do decide to have children with, is going to have to be ok with knowing that these IF scars bleed easily when poked. He's going to have to be very understanding about me carrying this huge pain from my first marriage. A pain that will affect not only me, but us, once we decide to try for a baby. I know now that any man I get serious with will have to be introduced to IF at some point. It was damn hard to open up about it to the Cowboy, to show him to the deep cuts IF made. I was so scared he'd just run as fast as he could in the other direction, especially since we were dealing with such serious stuff as quickly as we were. But, he's a great guy and it hasn't really phased him. He's just as sweet as always.
I really questioned writing this post, because I know IF is such an emotional topic for so many of us. And I knew an accidental pregnancy would be the last thing any of you still in those fucking trenches would want to read about. I sincerely hope you believe that my intention was to just be brutally honest with all of you about my life post-divorce. So many of us have dealt with IF but I haven't come across many blogs of IF'ers learning how to navigate life after their marriage crumbled. I just want to be honest with all of you and show you how I am handling starting over and all the complications that pop up. Also, please know that I still see life from my IF view. It just got buried by my divorce until now. I thought that perhaps that part of my life was behind me but, nope, IF still has her damn claws in me. It's just different now, without XH, but it's still there and it still hurts like a bitch.
Then I met the Cowboy and along with that came the questions about why I'm 30 and child-free. I gave him a breezy answer at first, telling him that we tried but it didn't quite work out for us, that it was complicated. After we started getting more serious, I went more in depth about the details. I briefly educated him on azoo, IVF with ICSI, PCOS, and all the other crap. I touched lightly on the devastation and admitted that IF played a part in our marriage's destruction. He's a really sensitive guy so he knows it's a very touchy subject and he tries to avoid bringing it up but he does ask questions. He made it clear that he wanted children one day and told me that his ex-wife had two miscarriages during their marriage. My heart broke for him when he told me that. Heavy subjects for a 3 month old relationship but I'm 30 and he's almost 34 so I guess this is how it goes.
A couple of weeks ago, I commented on how sore my boobs were and a couple of days later, beer started tasting really weird to me. The Cowboy jokingly asked me if I was pregnant and seeing the look on my face, he quickly changed the subject. But, the look on my face wasn't one of IF related hurt, it was a look of terror as I realized I was indeed late. Cue the tears and a major freakout, which the Cowboy handled quite well, I must admit. He wanted me to POAS immediately but I knew better, my IF taught me well and I knew that my period would come just by us talking about it. Plus, I have an IUD, I'm covered on that front, right? Cue the frantic googling and more freak outs as I read about woman getting KU with an IUD. After dragging my feet for a few days, I gave in and bought a damn PG test, against my better judgment.
Seeing that BFN didn't hurt any less, if anything, it actually hurt more. I was that devastated IF'er all over again, wondering if I'd ever see a plus sign. Never-mind that a pregnancy scare with a brand new BF isn't the ideal situation, I was heartbroken. And, per the usual IF luck, my period showed up the next fucking day. I cried even more. The Cowboy was so sweet and never once pointed out how new our relationship is; didn't blink an eye that I was freaking out about possibly being pregnant, considering it would be by a man I have known 3 months. He just held me and told me goofy jokes.
The rational, logical part of me knows that it's better for me to not be pregnant but the woman who dealt with so much IF related pain, just ached. The pain of seeing a BFN, combined with the mess of emotions I was feeling by possibly being pregnant by a man who isn't XH, plus the hope I let myself feel, however briefly, just hit me like a tidal wave. I had a very bad week last week. I was angry, sad, confused, relieved, disappointed and just all around a huge emotional mess. The experience also meant that the Cowboy and I had several long talks about the emotional aspect of IF and the toll it took on both myself and XH. These talks involved a lot of tears and heavy emotions, talking about it just made the already open wounds more raw. It was so hard to dive back into those feelings, to explain how it felt to be told C was sterile, how it hurt to be around pregnant ladies and how much Mother's and Father's Day just sucked. This whole ordeal made me realize that IF will always cast a shadow over my life. It jades so much now and whoever I do decide to have children with, is going to have to be ok with knowing that these IF scars bleed easily when poked. He's going to have to be very understanding about me carrying this huge pain from my first marriage. A pain that will affect not only me, but us, once we decide to try for a baby. I know now that any man I get serious with will have to be introduced to IF at some point. It was damn hard to open up about it to the Cowboy, to show him to the deep cuts IF made. I was so scared he'd just run as fast as he could in the other direction, especially since we were dealing with such serious stuff as quickly as we were. But, he's a great guy and it hasn't really phased him. He's just as sweet as always.
I really questioned writing this post, because I know IF is such an emotional topic for so many of us. And I knew an accidental pregnancy would be the last thing any of you still in those fucking trenches would want to read about. I sincerely hope you believe that my intention was to just be brutally honest with all of you about my life post-divorce. So many of us have dealt with IF but I haven't come across many blogs of IF'ers learning how to navigate life after their marriage crumbled. I just want to be honest with all of you and show you how I am handling starting over and all the complications that pop up. Also, please know that I still see life from my IF view. It just got buried by my divorce until now. I thought that perhaps that part of my life was behind me but, nope, IF still has her damn claws in me. It's just different now, without XH, but it's still there and it still hurts like a bitch.
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