Back in the TTC saddle, again

Recently my six-months-pregnant sister and I spent a day running errands and doing some shopping together. In the years since I started dealing with IF, I have spent plenty of time with pregnant women in various baby shops. I can do fine in small doses and only once did I have to wait outside while my friends shopped inside. But, the one baby store that I have not sent foot in is Buy Buy Baby, I just refuse. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just swore to myself that I'd never enter that store unless I was pregnant. I guess I was "saving" it for myself. It wasn't hard to avoid the store while I was living in AR because there wasn't one in our area but now that I'm back in TX, there are more than a few.

Of course our errands included a stop in a shopping center with a Buy Buy Baby. I noticed it and ignored it but I saw my sister's face light up when she saw it. She excitedly informed me that of course we were going in, that we just HAD to. Now, I know her and she's always been very sensitive about my IF past. And I had also never said a word about how I was "saving" the store for myself one day, because, well, that sounds slightly insane. So I know she wasn't being mean or anything and she even told me that we didn't have to go in, if I didn't want to. But, I simply can't refuse my little sister and I really thought I'd be ok.

Nobody told me that the entire freaking store smells like baby powder. Or that it is THE spot for strollers and I am obsessed with strollers, I love researching them on days when my baby fever is through the roof. I was fine for about 30 minutes and then I had reached my limit. Luckily we left not long after that. I told her about how I had been "saving" it and she felt so badly about us stopping by but I told her it was ok. She really is very understanding and supportive about my feelings.

The thing is, I am not preventing a baby. After I had my IUD removed at the end of May, we did use protection for a while, but we decided to stop preventing and see what happens. Nothing has happened, obviously. The IUD has really messed with my body so my cycle still hasn't returned and that's always been an issue for me anyway. I'm not currently on metformin either. So, I know that of course it's not going to happen right now and I know that it actually might not ever happen. But that doesn't make the negative pregnancy tests any easier on me.

So, here I am, TTC again. It's such a weird feeling to be back in that mode after so much IF. I'm conflicted about it all but I know that I have to try for a baby. Because if I never try then I'll never know, and that would always haunt me. At least this way, if it doesn't happen, I can accept that it just wasn't in the cards for me and truly move on. I'm 32, M is 36, I'll imagine we'll not prevent for the next few years until I'm 36. It's very loosely a plan. A TTC plan. Again. After all this IF. I have to laugh or else I'll cry.

I still hate her

My visit with Dr. Insensitive went almost exactly like I thought it would, aside from a couple of surprises that weren't exactly pleasant. We spent about 15 minutes talking about how long I've been on AF, how heavy and light it gets and about our IF history. Apparently she didn't read my chart because she was clueless about me and our diagnoses. I told her we were headed to IVF and had canceled a cycle this past Summer due to financial issues. She then tells me she's prescribing me Prom.etrium and that I might get pregnant on it.

I wanted to hop off the exam table and punch her but was afraid I would trip thanks to the damn stirrups. Instead I laughed at her and told her how very unlikely that was seeing how SHE was the one who first told us about C's zero SA. She didn't even have the decency to look sorry and just breezed over my comment to tell me she was also prescribing me metformin, but only 1000mg because she doesn't agree that 2000mg is ideal for insulin resistant PCOS.

She then performed an examination and acted surprised that I was still bleeding, despite our conversation about that not even 5 minutes before. I was so embarrassed and just wanted to melt into the table and disappear. She didn't order any bloodwork or answer my questions about the cause of my 4 month long AF. She acted like it was a normal visit and did my pap and sent me off.

It's official that she is the worst doctor, ever. I'm taking my Prom.etrium and making an appointment with my RE, just not sure which one. I'm also really never setting foot back in Dr. Insensitive's office...unless it's to kick her ass.

I've also come down with a horrible head cold, such is my luck.

Nothing is ever easy

I've been on AF for about four months now, it goes from super light spotting to super raging angry heaviness every few weeks. It's driving me crazy and scaring me. So, I called my Arkansas RE but he's out of town and nobody else in the practice can see me for a couple of weeks so they suggested I call Dr. Insensitive, the horribly rude gyno that first diagnosed C with azoospermia. The one I swore I would never see again and who I have an appointment with tomorrow afternoon, our first meeting since she wished me good luck after my HSG.

I'm dreading it because I hate her with a passion but I'm also really scared of what is going on. Scared because what if it's bad news and scared because I have no faith in her ability to help me. It's times like this I especially hate having my RE eight hours away in Houston. Whom I trust because he's a doctor at one of the most respected hospitals around and because he's nice and has never told me to basically give up on my baby dreams like Dr. Insensitive did.

To make it worse, I can tell C is worried too and that makes me sad. I hate to worry him and I hate that my body sucks so bad. We've spent so much time and focus on his azoo that my PCOS and amenorrhoea took a backseat, which I now realize wasn't smart of me. Oh man, this is the last thing I want to be dealing with right now. I hate my body.

Can you spare any thoughts and prayers that everything goes smoothly tomorrow?

my RE

Amazing how much better you feel after a good cry in the shower, away from people who don't know how to comfort you and away from the husband who feels guilty about the tears. I listened to you and cried in the shower, it was such a release and I felt much better on Friday to see my RE. No matter how far I think I've come in dealing with IF, the day before and the day of our appointments never fail to send me in a downward spin. I can never sleep the night before an appointment and usually cry in the car after we leave one. Drives me crazy because even good appointments cause my insanity to surface. We heard nothing but horrible news for so long that now the good news makes me nervous and scared/anxious/sad/all the emotions listed in a thesaurus. But whatever, I'll just bury it until our next appointment!

Anyway, I have good news! I don't have any STDs...Woot Woot! My RE actually apologized to me when he told me about the required STD testing for IVF and assured me that I would pass, which made me laugh. Carlos is next up for his STD screening and I hope to take him this week to get it over with. Since AF and I haven't been on speaking terms since July, he prescribed Provera. He also informed me that I am not insulin resistant and just have plain ol' PCOS so no Metformin for me. That annoyed the crap out of me because I really wanted the Met. I'm going to do a little digging to see if any non-IR PCOS ladies used Met successfully to help with the other lovely PCOS symptoms like acne and hirsutism. I was on 1000 mg of Met for three months and other then losing 3 lbs, nothing else happened on such a low dosage.

He prescribed me Yaz to help with the PCOS. Oh the irony of being on BCP when you're TTC! I am terrified of the Yaz because of Dr. Google. I have liver disease, why in the world would my RE prescribe Yaz to me?! I'm going to call him tomorrow and ask about that. I'm not 100% comfortable with my RE, I don't have much confidence in him. Granted, I've only seen him twice now but I left this last visit feeling like he wasn't the best for us. I just have a feeling about him, not sure if it's genuine fear or just nerves. C is working out of town and when he gets home we're going to have a long talk about it and I'm going to see what he thinks about my RE when he goes in for his STD bloodwork before making a decision to switch or not.

If I stay with my RE, looks like we are on track for IVF next year. We're aiming for the summer to give us time to fight our insurance company to cover it and save if they won't. Right now everything just feels scattered and unorganized, I hate feeling this way. Once Thanksgiving is over and my sister and niece are back in TX, I'm going to focus on getting everything back on track.

No easy way out

Just when I think I've reached a place where I am dealing with IF, something happens to knock me off my ass and I realize that maybe you never truly deal with IF, you just learn to ignore it better. Hello, I'm Amanda and I'm in denial.

This week has been hard for me. Hard in a way that I haven't encountered since our lovely phone call informing us that C's SA was zero. There have been 3 doctor visits, 1 procedure done and C's biopsy isn't even until Monday. I met with my gastroenterologist and he recommended I have a colonoscopy since my Dad was dx so young with colon cancer and my paternal grandfather died from lymphoma. Yay for me! I had it done yesterday and was blissfully sedated for it. He found one little problem and sent it out for biopsy but he doesn't think it's anything serious. He also informed us that my liver is functioning slightly worse and that my body might not sustain a pregnancy without being a threat to my life. I left in tears.

I also met with my RE for the first time this week. He's something else for sure. Dr. Blunt is what I'm calling him b/c he just laid it all out in a manner that I had thought would be done with sensitivity. Nope, not my RE! He tells it like it is...jerk, I need things sugar-coated! I actually had a special experience at his office, I had a rather unexpected visit with the dildocam. I've heard stories about this special instrument, read posts by other nesties laughing about it but had never had the pleasure myself. I was nervous about my RE being a guy, never having been seen down below by a male doctor but was reassured that he probably wouldn't on my first visit. HA! Not only did Dr. Blunt get all up in there, his male nurse assisted him. Well, hello, let's just invite all the men in the building to look at my broken lady parts. I've heard that IF makes you lose all sense of modesty and now I can see why people say that!

Anyway, Dr. Blunt showed me my ovaries and they were covered in cysts. He called me a "textbook PCOS patient", woohoo! Finally I excel at something, too bad it's IF! He drew some blood from me for something to do with metformin and because I was already fasting for my colonoscopy, patted me on my ass and sent me off. Well, not really, there was no pat but I felt like we both deserved one after the ultrasound. I had fun describing it all to C, who thought it was hilarious. Joking aside, Dr. Blunt really pushed home that donor sperm is probably our best option and certainly the cheapest. Our insurance doesn't cover IUI or IVF and IVF is what he recommends for us and it's only 15k.

I can't wait to see what the hell Monday brings for us and feel so depressed after all the bad news this week. IF has made us it's bitch and I can't help but feel like we are so screwed.

More tests

My big appointment was Monday, the one that I was super anxious and excited for. I barely slept the night before because I was a bundle of nerves and I am so glad that C went with me. It was a quick visit with Dr. J, she ordered a semen analysis (SA) for C and a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) for me. After the HSG is done, we are going to stop the prometrium for a cycle to see if I can have a period on my own. I'm not happy about potentially wasting a cycle but what else can we do? C asked the doctor what more we could be doing to help us and she told us, "Just keep doing it." We laughed about that afterward! We're learning, that sometimes, having sex isn't the easiest way to conceive a child.

The SA was collected this morning and dropped off at the lab within 20 minutes of collection and we are very nervous to get the results. C was so shy about the whole thing, it was cute. I hate that he had to but at this point, whatever it takes! We're praying that everything comes back normal. Next up is the HSG, once AF arrives next week I'm to call and schedule the procedure. It seems pretty harmless but I'm a natural worrywart so of course this is stressing me out. I'll be happy to get it done and to get the results of both tests.

It all seems very surreal to me. I can't believe I'm dealing with IF and talking about HSGs and SAs. As I hear myself say these words, it just sounds so odd. It makes me wonder if soon I'll be talking about IUIs and IVFs. I've dealt with talking about Clomid and other type drugs but haven't really contemplated what it will be like if we have to move beyond that to more invasive methods. Having PCOS has brought this whole new world into my life, one that I wish I never had to deal with. But, God has led us down this path for a reason and I have faith that this path ends in us having a family.

Maybe I'm not lost

For an unknown reason, this past failed cycle hit C and me pretty hard. Don't get me wrong, they are all sad, hard, frustrating and a million other things but this one in particular was a real heart-breaker. It just touched a nerve with us and we didn't handle it very well. For the past 14 months of TTC, we have talked at length about my feelings, my pain and my issues but apparently I failed at asking about his own thoughts. I hadn't put a lot of thought into how my IF issues affected C, I guess I was just too selfish to consider his feelings or too dumb to think that they did affect him. C is not big on talking about his feelings or fears, don't get me wrong, this guy will sit for hours with me and talk about all kinds of mindless chatter but rarely do I see his emotional side.

He's always been my rock and he is so strong that I just assumed he would tell me how he was feeling. But the failure of our last cycle touched off something that was simmering there and we had a big fight last week. Now there is this new frailty in our relationship that is very strange. Suddenly all my IF issues seem so real, so concrete and it's no longer just my problem but our problem. I feel like the worst wife in the world for not seeing his pain. I've spent the last 14 months apologizing to him for being so broken and feeling like an incomplete woman and now I finally see his side of this. His pain at not being able to fix this for me, his sadness at watching me deal with this and his frustration with how much IF sucks. I can now see that even my strong husband is struggling to handle it all and maybe I'm not so weak after all for not being able to cope with IF.

Oddly enough, the big fight was the best thing for us. Yes, there is a sense of frailty now but there is also an amazing amount of tenderness and understanding. We're acting like newlyweds again and have connected on a level that makes me feel safe and secure. We've been together for almost 10 years and we have seen each other through really, really hard times but nothing like this. We've always made making our relationship strong a priority and he's always been my partner in crime but this new level of closeness is astounding. I just don't feel like the same person anymore and I know that together, C and I can kick IF's ass. It's still going to be hard and painful but as long as we lean on each other, we will get through this. I can get through anything with C, he truly is the greatest guy.

I have felt so lost throughout all this, especially when my Dad got so sick but I don't feel like that anymore. I feel stronger and I am so excited for our next doctor appointment. It's a couple of weeks away and we'll be taking the next step, whatever it is, in treating/dealing with my IF. I can't wait to see what is next for us.

Out of Control

My world spun out of control on October 26, 2008 when my Dad had two strokes. He was in the hospital for a month with three of those weeks spent in the ICU. While in there, it was discovered he has stage three colon cancer. The doctors did not expect my Dad to live but he is home now. He is very slowly recovering what was lost as a result of his brain damage. C and I immediately drove home to be with my family and I ended up staying while C eventually came home. I'm home now too and we are heading back for Christmas and New Years. I will spend most of January in Houston for various reasons but mainly so that I can have more time with my Dad. Looking back at that month in the hospital, I am not sure how I did not lose my mind. We're a close family and we've been through a lot but this was beyond hell for us. I stayed strong but I come back home to Arkansas and cry for hours over it all. Thank the Lord my Dad lived, it was truly a miracle. Even his doctors told us it was a miracle!

So, I am splitting my time between two states and trying to take care of everyone. It's exhausting and emotionally draining but worth it because they are my family. It put everything in my life into crystal clear perspective and amazingly, my depression over my fertility flew out the window! I've been too overwhelmed caring for my Dad to obsess over my PCOS. Yet, as another month went by with no positive pregnancy test, my heart felt it. Don't get me wrong, I am still upset over my issues but I don't care about it anymore. I will not let PCOS win and I will get pregnant this coming year! My faith is super strong and of course, I have hope.

Anyway, my Dad is doing good and will start chemo some time in January. I am looking forward to being with him for the holidays despite my lack of Christmas cheer. I have decorated our house, wrapped presents, sent cards and hosted a party but I still feel very bah humbug about it all. I just want it all to be over so that life can resume and move forward. It's strange because normally I am a Christmas freak and celebrate to the max but these past couple of months have just wiped me out. I had to withdraw for the semester and I don't even care about the impact that will have on my academic goals. eh, it's been a hard time emotionally for me and it's starting to show.

So, here's to Christmas, miracles, my Dad and a better 2009 then we could hope for.

Hope

I need an outlet, somewhere to vent the frustrations and sadness associated with all the crap that has been tossed my way this year. I follow quite a few blogs that have been such a beacon of light as I try to deal with my fertility issues and hope that I can, in at least a small way, add to that beacon of light. I was diagnosed with PCOS this past April and we've been TTC almost since we got married two years ago. I say almost because we never officially called it TTC, we just did our thing and nothing happened. The PCOS also led to another diagnosis of nonalcoholic steatohepatitis aka a fatty liver. See what I mean about a crappy year? and this is after having my diseased gallbladder removed last November. It's been a whirlwind of surgeries, biopsies, labs and all types of doctors, our insurance company must love me!

The doctors strongly feel that I must get my liver under control before taking the next step in fertility treatments. I'm sad to put TTC on hold in order to fix my health but at the same time, how could I not? I need to be healthy before I carry a child, I need to be in better shape and all that but...it makes me sad. I am ready to have a baby, to be a mom and we are ready to make our world evolve around our child. The "we" I am referring to is my sweet husband Carlos, and he has been amazingly supportive through all of this. He has really stepped up to the plate and taken care of everything when I just could not or would not. Our two year old marriage has been interesting in face of all this medical crap.

Anyway, the depression sometimes gets the best of me and I am still trying to learn my way around PCOS, infertility and what this all means for us. I am hopeful because I just cannot contemplate anything beyond that right now, maybe I'm just being naive but I'm determined to not let PCOS get the last word! Hence the title of my blog, Hope Is Ours, because right now it is all I have to cling to.