You know that saying about the path to hell being paved with good intentions? Well, clearly it's true. Which is my way of explaining my long absence. Life got in the way and then I would forget or get busy again and then forget again. Oops! But I've missed getting my thoughts out and am going to try and recommit to this ol' thing. Does anyone even still blog? I feel like everyone has left and is on social media. Makes me sad.
Anyway, nothing has really changed. Still engaged, still chugging away with my slow ass Etsy shop and even slower photography. I've temporarily given up on job hunting because it's depressing as hell. I'm tired of being poor though and pray things pick up. Or I win the lottery, which I don't play, or that I get inheritance from a long lost relative...you know, anything that is totally logical and realistic!
M and I were in a car accident about a month ago. We were rear-ended by a school bus, a legit yellow school bus, which did have a couple of high school kids on it. None of them were hurt, thankfully. I ended up with a concussion and M with a hurt back. I've never had a concussion before and it's been a challenge, to say the least. The memory problems scare me, calling items by the wrong name is also concerning, and the headaches are a real downer.
It so happened that the accident occurred on our four year anniversary. Terrific timing, yes? We were running errands before coming home to cook a romantic dinner. Ended up in an ambulance and falling into bed late that night exhausted and sore and hurting like crazy instead. We are very fortunate that it wasn't much worse. My car has already been repaired and I'm thankful for that as well.
It's been a hard Summer, y'all. A real ass kicker. I hope like crazy things turn around soon because I feel like I'm about to lose my ever-loving mind.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
July 8, 2017
August 25, 2016
Busy Summer
It's been a busy summer and it feels so good now that things are settling down! I spent much of the last few weeks getting my oldest nephew ready for college because he was offered a baseball scholarship! I am so proud of him! I went with my brother and SIL to help move him into his dorm recently and it was such an emotional experience. He's now happily settled in Kansas, over ten hours away from us, and that is challenging for my close-knit family! But we are insanely proud and can't wait for his first visit back home for Fall break.
My dad's birthday recently passed too. It was an emotional day, of course, but I was also busy preparing to leave for Kansas so that distraction was nice. The pain was quieter this year than previous years. Which surprised me, especially since Father's Day sucked like it usually does and I expected the same for his birthday. I had trouble sleeping the night before his birthday, I just didn't want to lay in the dark reliving his last moments over and over. So I ended up awake and surfing the Internet until I was too exhausted to think and passed out. I wish he was still here and could see my nephew in college to play baseball. My Dad loved the game, coached my brother from little league until he stopped playing in high school, and played on a softball league until his stroke. He never missed either of my nephews' games and even attended two of their games while on hospice.
I know he's watching now, I just wish I could see his reaction to it all. How thrilled he'd be, the advice he'd be yelling out to him on the field, the snark he'd lever towards the coaches and umpires, the pure awe he would surely feel to see his grandson doing what we all dreamed, hoped, and prayed for when he was a little four year old playing for the YMCA.
My nephew received a lot of advice in the weeks before he left from everyone. I even sat him down to talk about safe sex and consent, which I've lectured him about since he was fourteen, but I wanted to really drive it home. I told him that his Grandpa is and always will be watching over him with pride. That my dad always said being their Grandpa was his life's greatest treasure. I told him with love like that watching over you from Heaven, how can you ever fail? Try everything with gusto and enjoyment because how can you fail? Spread those wings and soar, because how can you fail?
And even if you do fall on your face, if you stand back up and keep going, how did you fail? Redefine failure as not trying, not getting back up, as not daring to live like failure doesn't exist.
Lord, I hope he listens and takes it to heart. I hope he seizes the day and squeezes every last drop of greatness out. And when it doesn't work, or he has a bad day, I hope he looks up into the sky and feels all that love so he can try again tomorrow.
My dad's birthday recently passed too. It was an emotional day, of course, but I was also busy preparing to leave for Kansas so that distraction was nice. The pain was quieter this year than previous years. Which surprised me, especially since Father's Day sucked like it usually does and I expected the same for his birthday. I had trouble sleeping the night before his birthday, I just didn't want to lay in the dark reliving his last moments over and over. So I ended up awake and surfing the Internet until I was too exhausted to think and passed out. I wish he was still here and could see my nephew in college to play baseball. My Dad loved the game, coached my brother from little league until he stopped playing in high school, and played on a softball league until his stroke. He never missed either of my nephews' games and even attended two of their games while on hospice.
I know he's watching now, I just wish I could see his reaction to it all. How thrilled he'd be, the advice he'd be yelling out to him on the field, the snark he'd lever towards the coaches and umpires, the pure awe he would surely feel to see his grandson doing what we all dreamed, hoped, and prayed for when he was a little four year old playing for the YMCA.
My nephew received a lot of advice in the weeks before he left from everyone. I even sat him down to talk about safe sex and consent, which I've lectured him about since he was fourteen, but I wanted to really drive it home. I told him that his Grandpa is and always will be watching over him with pride. That my dad always said being their Grandpa was his life's greatest treasure. I told him with love like that watching over you from Heaven, how can you ever fail? Try everything with gusto and enjoyment because how can you fail? Spread those wings and soar, because how can you fail?
And even if you do fall on your face, if you stand back up and keep going, how did you fail? Redefine failure as not trying, not getting back up, as not daring to live like failure doesn't exist.
Lord, I hope he listens and takes it to heart. I hope he seizes the day and squeezes every last drop of greatness out. And when it doesn't work, or he has a bad day, I hope he looks up into the sky and feels all that love so he can try again tomorrow.
April 8, 2016
Long time, no talk!
It's Friday! What is a better day to dust off the ol' blog and put my thoughts down after a long silence?! It's been busy lately and things aren't going to settle down until after May so I'm gearing up for even more busy-ness! Etsy has been slow lately, but we're in the midst of rebranding and website launching and more jewelry making so I'm not too bothered by the slowness. The photography has it's spurts of busy and slow, but again, I'm not minding too much. The house is finally under contract again and I'm ridiculously excited about that. All the packing isn't exciting but I just crank some music and get to it. My car decided to act up so it's been a lot to get it running smoothly again, ugh.
Things are great with M, we love Summer so we're excited to make fun plans and to celebrate three years together in June. We aren't thinking too much about wedding plans, other than to throw out ideas every now and then. We're extremely casual about it and I think it's one of those things that we'll decide last minute and throw it all together. At least that's what I hope!
Anyway, this is what I'm most grateful for these days:
* Friday night high school baseball games
* playing with my nephews & nieces
* cuddling my tiny nephew, he's almost 4 months old!
* movie nights with lots of junk food with M
* library trips
* cool nights and warm days, not too burning hot here yet, thankfully
* fun photo shoots
* making peace with the past
* planting flowers
I vowed to make this year a year of growth and expansion. It's really comforting to my soul to see the wheels I set into motion actually turning and making progress. I'm anxious to see just how far we'll progress this year!
Things are great with M, we love Summer so we're excited to make fun plans and to celebrate three years together in June. We aren't thinking too much about wedding plans, other than to throw out ideas every now and then. We're extremely casual about it and I think it's one of those things that we'll decide last minute and throw it all together. At least that's what I hope!
Anyway, this is what I'm most grateful for these days:
* Friday night high school baseball games
* playing with my nephews & nieces
* cuddling my tiny nephew, he's almost 4 months old!
* movie nights with lots of junk food with M
* library trips
* cool nights and warm days, not too burning hot here yet, thankfully
* fun photo shoots
* making peace with the past
* planting flowers
I vowed to make this year a year of growth and expansion. It's really comforting to my soul to see the wheels I set into motion actually turning and making progress. I'm anxious to see just how far we'll progress this year!
October 17, 2014
Gratitude!
It's been a busy week, I'm happy to have made it to Friday! Although, it's a busy weekend too so I'm not so sure why I'm so relieved. I've been working my butt off getting the etsy shop up and running while also preparing for a Fall mini-session this weekend. It's quite nice to be busy but it's also draining! This weekend is packed with Halloween festivities along with the shoot so I'm sure I'll be exhausted by Sunday night. But, that's a good problem to have, IMO.
Anyway, I have pumpkin scents burning in my warmer, the Cowboy is next to me playing around on his phone, and the dogs are snoring. It's nice and cozy and I love it! This week I'm grateful for:
* good friends who buy jewelry from your shop!
* spending time with my Grandma, she's hilarious
* cold fronts that allow me to sleep with open windows
* my sister, who is pretty much my therapist and my biggest support
* having the space in my house for my photography and an etsy shop
* a sweet boyfriend who vacuums and deep cleans the carpet
* Halloween themed sleepovers with my nephews and nieces
Sometimes I have to pinch myself because it's hard to believe this is my life now. I really couldn't imagine a better outcome after losing my Dad and going through the divorce. I'm very lucky to be surrounded by the people I have in my life. I've been so down lately but it's starting to turn around, hope is returning, just like it always does!
Anyway, I have pumpkin scents burning in my warmer, the Cowboy is next to me playing around on his phone, and the dogs are snoring. It's nice and cozy and I love it! This week I'm grateful for:
* good friends who buy jewelry from your shop!
* spending time with my Grandma, she's hilarious
* cold fronts that allow me to sleep with open windows
* my sister, who is pretty much my therapist and my biggest support
* having the space in my house for my photography and an etsy shop
* a sweet boyfriend who vacuums and deep cleans the carpet
* Halloween themed sleepovers with my nephews and nieces
Sometimes I have to pinch myself because it's hard to believe this is my life now. I really couldn't imagine a better outcome after losing my Dad and going through the divorce. I'm very lucky to be surrounded by the people I have in my life. I've been so down lately but it's starting to turn around, hope is returning, just like it always does!
June 2, 2014
Me Without Him
Around this time last year, things really started turning around for me. Much of the post-split haze had lifted and my anti-depressant medications had been adjusted and were working wonderfully. I still had moments of weakness, and those would continue for a few more months, but for the most part I had turned a corner. It was an amazing feeling. It felt like I had reclaimed my life for me and like I was finally living my life for myself and nobody else. I was free!
I took my freedom and ran with it. I started out slowly- decorating my house however I desired, added pink touches to my bedroom, spread my makeup out on the bathroom counter and took over the entire master closet. Then I started drinking whenever the urge struck, something XH didn't "allow". I covered his side of the bed in magazines, books, my Nook and my laptop so they were always within arms reach. Then I started going out a lot and making out with random guys in bars. Around this time last year, I had my first ever one night stand. It was quickly followed by a couple more because why not? I was all over OKC, flirting with guys via messaging and having a blast. Of course, I met the Cowboy not long after but the fun didn't stop because I was in a relationship! If anything, it's gotten even more fun!
I was with XH for 13 years, I never experienced a lot of things because I spent my twenties engaged, married and dealing with IF. I never knew anything but life with him and discovering life without him has been one of my life's greatest adventures. I never knew how happy I could be. I never knew how high I could fly. I didn't know how much better I would be without him. Until my divorce. It took my divorce to show/teach me all of that. And now I know I could never go back, I've come too far. I know I've said it before but it's something I say often: Even on my worst days now, I'm still happier now than on my best days back then.
My marriage wasn't always bad, it once was great and once upon a time, we were in love and happy. But things changed and it became very toxic and unhealthy. I am grateful that it ended when it did. His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me because it saved me and gave me back to myself. It started me on a journey that has been the most amazing experience. I had a lot of dark days, especially at the beginning and I'm not exactly sure what got me through them. I suspect it was a joint effort between my faith, my family and friends and lots and lots of rum. I think my own stubbornness had a lot to do with it too though. I simply had to get through it because I knew in my heart that once I came out on the other side, my life would never be the same and that it would have changed for the better. It was very difficult to trust that instinct but I'm glad I did, I have no regrets. I think, in the end, it has all worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.
I'm where I need to be, I still have far to go but I know I'll get there. Right now, I'm just enjoying this great adventure I'm on and soaking up everything I can. This is me without him. And it's the life I've always hoped I'd live.
I took my freedom and ran with it. I started out slowly- decorating my house however I desired, added pink touches to my bedroom, spread my makeup out on the bathroom counter and took over the entire master closet. Then I started drinking whenever the urge struck, something XH didn't "allow". I covered his side of the bed in magazines, books, my Nook and my laptop so they were always within arms reach. Then I started going out a lot and making out with random guys in bars. Around this time last year, I had my first ever one night stand. It was quickly followed by a couple more because why not? I was all over OKC, flirting with guys via messaging and having a blast. Of course, I met the Cowboy not long after but the fun didn't stop because I was in a relationship! If anything, it's gotten even more fun!
I was with XH for 13 years, I never experienced a lot of things because I spent my twenties engaged, married and dealing with IF. I never knew anything but life with him and discovering life without him has been one of my life's greatest adventures. I never knew how happy I could be. I never knew how high I could fly. I didn't know how much better I would be without him. Until my divorce. It took my divorce to show/teach me all of that. And now I know I could never go back, I've come too far. I know I've said it before but it's something I say often: Even on my worst days now, I'm still happier now than on my best days back then.
My marriage wasn't always bad, it once was great and once upon a time, we were in love and happy. But things changed and it became very toxic and unhealthy. I am grateful that it ended when it did. His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me because it saved me and gave me back to myself. It started me on a journey that has been the most amazing experience. I had a lot of dark days, especially at the beginning and I'm not exactly sure what got me through them. I suspect it was a joint effort between my faith, my family and friends and lots and lots of rum. I think my own stubbornness had a lot to do with it too though. I simply had to get through it because I knew in my heart that once I came out on the other side, my life would never be the same and that it would have changed for the better. It was very difficult to trust that instinct but I'm glad I did, I have no regrets. I think, in the end, it has all worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.
I'm where I need to be, I still have far to go but I know I'll get there. Right now, I'm just enjoying this great adventure I'm on and soaking up everything I can. This is me without him. And it's the life I've always hoped I'd live.
November 23, 2013
3 Pregnancies & an Engagement
I've had quite the week. The final design was chosen for my Dad's headstone, something we had put off for almost two years. I just couldn't bring myself to pick it out because it just made it so damn real. I chose the hospice service we used, made calls about his final days, and planned the entire funeral on my own. I just didn't have it in me to do this one last thing, the last step. My SIL took over and it's done and it's been hard to think about. It's going to be installed soon, just in time for the 2 year mark since he died.
Three pregnancy announcements also sent me in a tailspin this week. Three cousins all due next year. One with her first, one with her sixth and the other with her fourth and yes, they are all younger than me. They all got married after me as well. Out of all of us, I was so sure my marriage would last and that I'd have babies by now. Funny how pregnancies can still send me diving headfirst into a bottle of wine. I'm happy for them, babies are a blessing and I'll happily buy baby gifts and cuddle newborns when the time comes. But, oh my Lord, the blinding pain knocked me off my ass.
My little sister also got engaged last week. He's an incredible guy and even better father to my niece, whom he wants to adopt! I'm thrilled for her and I'm happy to pour over wedding magazines and gasp at beautiful gowns. It's just a little sting to think of my own gorgeous wedding dress (that I really need to get rid of) and my own wedding that I adored.
Everyone's life is advancing and it just feels like my own is just stuck in the same damn place. A place I didn't plan for or chose but a place that was handed to me nonetheless. It's a place I can handle and I've made as much peace as I can with being in it. But, sometimes, the absurdity of it all just slams into me and takes my breath away. I am really 30 years old, divorcing, childless and jobless. This is my life and it's crazy. Thank God for my family, friends, the Cowboy and great wine!
C finally signed the divorce papers this week too. I signed under his name and submitted them to my lawyer. They go before the judge this week and he'll grant the decree and it'll be done. 13 months after he left and 12 months after I filed, an end is truly in sight. It's the most bittersweet feeling I have ever felt. There is no other way to word it.
This week was challenging. It all came at me at once and I felt so damn overwhelmed. I got properly drunk and cried my eyes out. I'm feeling better now but still fighting that stupid cold. On bed rest so it won't turn into pneumonia, like it usually does. See? All at once. I know next week will be better though. I have hope that it's all going to turn around soon.
Three pregnancy announcements also sent me in a tailspin this week. Three cousins all due next year. One with her first, one with her sixth and the other with her fourth and yes, they are all younger than me. They all got married after me as well. Out of all of us, I was so sure my marriage would last and that I'd have babies by now. Funny how pregnancies can still send me diving headfirst into a bottle of wine. I'm happy for them, babies are a blessing and I'll happily buy baby gifts and cuddle newborns when the time comes. But, oh my Lord, the blinding pain knocked me off my ass.
My little sister also got engaged last week. He's an incredible guy and even better father to my niece, whom he wants to adopt! I'm thrilled for her and I'm happy to pour over wedding magazines and gasp at beautiful gowns. It's just a little sting to think of my own gorgeous wedding dress (that I really need to get rid of) and my own wedding that I adored.
Everyone's life is advancing and it just feels like my own is just stuck in the same damn place. A place I didn't plan for or chose but a place that was handed to me nonetheless. It's a place I can handle and I've made as much peace as I can with being in it. But, sometimes, the absurdity of it all just slams into me and takes my breath away. I am really 30 years old, divorcing, childless and jobless. This is my life and it's crazy. Thank God for my family, friends, the Cowboy and great wine!
C finally signed the divorce papers this week too. I signed under his name and submitted them to my lawyer. They go before the judge this week and he'll grant the decree and it'll be done. 13 months after he left and 12 months after I filed, an end is truly in sight. It's the most bittersweet feeling I have ever felt. There is no other way to word it.
This week was challenging. It all came at me at once and I felt so damn overwhelmed. I got properly drunk and cried my eyes out. I'm feeling better now but still fighting that stupid cold. On bed rest so it won't turn into pneumonia, like it usually does. See? All at once. I know next week will be better though. I have hope that it's all going to turn around soon.
July 10, 2013
The Game Changer
I was perfectly content to whore my little heart out and was having quite a lot of fun doing just that. Then, I randomly checked out on a guy on OKC and to my surprise, we rated each other at exactly the same time, which led to us messaging each other. I immediately told my co-worker that he was a game changer but I laughed about it bc I wasn't interested in anything serious, at all.
Fast forward 3 weeks and yeah, I'm seeing him. I call him the Cowboy and he is pretty damn awesome. We have so much in common and we make each other just laugh and laugh! He's divorced, no kids, and works with animals, which makes me swoon! Oh, he's also a singer and I adore hearing him sing, it makes me swoon even more. Our dates are always unpredictable, our first was to the zoo and we ended up spending the entire day together. We just couldn't stop talking! He is the sweetest kisser and the sparks are amazing between us.
He lives about 35 minutes away so we don't see each other a whole lot but squeeze time in whenever we can. I spent the holiday weekend with him and that was so much fun! He is so different from C in almost every way and it's so nice being around him bc it's just so easy with him. He's pretty laidback and it's cool to have so many shared interests with someone. I really like him and I'm excited to see where this goes but I'm not over-thinking it. I just focus on today and don't think about the future much, that is just borrowing trouble, IMO
The truly wonderful part is that I had just realized how great my life is, how full and complete it is. I had just told my sister that I had realized I made my own life amazing, without a guy, and that a guy would just be the cherry on top my cake. I didn't, and don't, need a man to define me or complete me or make me happy. That's when the Cowboy entered my life, such perfect timing. And it still holds true, my life is fucking fantastic, the Cowboy is just the cherry on top.
Fast forward 3 weeks and yeah, I'm seeing him. I call him the Cowboy and he is pretty damn awesome. We have so much in common and we make each other just laugh and laugh! He's divorced, no kids, and works with animals, which makes me swoon! Oh, he's also a singer and I adore hearing him sing, it makes me swoon even more. Our dates are always unpredictable, our first was to the zoo and we ended up spending the entire day together. We just couldn't stop talking! He is the sweetest kisser and the sparks are amazing between us.
He lives about 35 minutes away so we don't see each other a whole lot but squeeze time in whenever we can. I spent the holiday weekend with him and that was so much fun! He is so different from C in almost every way and it's so nice being around him bc it's just so easy with him. He's pretty laidback and it's cool to have so many shared interests with someone. I really like him and I'm excited to see where this goes but I'm not over-thinking it. I just focus on today and don't think about the future much, that is just borrowing trouble, IMO
The truly wonderful part is that I had just realized how great my life is, how full and complete it is. I had just told my sister that I had realized I made my own life amazing, without a guy, and that a guy would just be the cherry on top my cake. I didn't, and don't, need a man to define me or complete me or make me happy. That's when the Cowboy entered my life, such perfect timing. And it still holds true, my life is fucking fantastic, the Cowboy is just the cherry on top.
June 21, 2013
Single Life
For the last few months, I swore that I was really living my life, that I was being single and just focusing on myself and to an extent, I was right. I was focused on myself and I was doing whatever the hell I wanted, it was so nice to put myself first and to not worry about anyone else. I've had so much fun, especially the last month or so, once the depression got better. It's like that was my last darkest before dawn moment and I am so glad it's done. I feel like I've stepped out of that dark tunnel into the light and for the first time in 8 months, I am truly happy.
It took me a long time to get to the other side and I had to drag my ass kicking and screaming the whole way. My mind was so ready to be done and my heart just hadn't quite caught up. Then I realized a few things: 1) He doesn't want to be married to me anymore. 2) The year is half over and in just a few short months, it'll be a year since the split. 3) I lost him but I am still standing. 4) I'm in control of my own life. 5) It was time to get laid or start dating...you know, one or the other!
So, I grabbed my best single girlfriend, hit up the bar and had a one night stand. I'll call him Blue Eyes and he was funny but only 26, which made my 30 feel kinda old. But, he was cute and into me so there you have it. I expected to feel guilty or sad or to maybe even cry but nope, instead I got in my car, called my guy BFF, R, and went home to sleep. After him, I met a really cute but very young guy I'll call Buffet Guy and by young, I mean he is 23 years old but hot damn, he's built like Jacob from Twi.light, no lie! No sex but a lot of fun was had. Then I met a guy I'll call SOG, short for Shades of Grey, because he was convinced he was that Christian character, he was arrogant and egotistical and our one date ended comically so that ended that little almost adventure.
So, needless to say, I've been going out a lot and having a blast! Flirting, texting and talking with guys from a couple dating sites and of course, at my favorite bar. I have hardly talked to C and I am much happier for that. I have moved on and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I finally accepted that my marriage is over and while it is sad that we couldn't make it work, everything that has happened is happening for a reason. I know one day this will all make sense to me and I'm perfectly ok with just seeing where this journey is taking me. It's already been loads of fun and I feel like such a different person than I was a year ago. I actually like who I am now! I've grown so much and am learning every day who I am, it's the greatest feeling to fall in love with yourself and your life. It's freeing and peaceful and amazing.
Most of all, it's hopeful. I can't believe I spent so much of the last couple of years so damn unhappy. I didn't see my unhappiness for what it truly was and now that I'm happy, I can't go back. I won't ever again convince myself that this is how life is suppose to be. This is my life and while it isn't the life I expected or dreamed about but it's the life I've been given and it's a gift. So I plan on living my life to the fullest. Mainly, I plan on living it for myself. When I told my friends all of this, they told me "Welcome to truly starting over, Amanda. Welcome to the beginning of the most fun you'll ever have!"
I got knocked down and broken into a million pieces but I stood up and put myself back together and now I'm ready to kick ass. Watch out, world, here I come!
It took me a long time to get to the other side and I had to drag my ass kicking and screaming the whole way. My mind was so ready to be done and my heart just hadn't quite caught up. Then I realized a few things: 1) He doesn't want to be married to me anymore. 2) The year is half over and in just a few short months, it'll be a year since the split. 3) I lost him but I am still standing. 4) I'm in control of my own life. 5) It was time to get laid or start dating...you know, one or the other!
So, I grabbed my best single girlfriend, hit up the bar and had a one night stand. I'll call him Blue Eyes and he was funny but only 26, which made my 30 feel kinda old. But, he was cute and into me so there you have it. I expected to feel guilty or sad or to maybe even cry but nope, instead I got in my car, called my guy BFF, R, and went home to sleep. After him, I met a really cute but very young guy I'll call Buffet Guy and by young, I mean he is 23 years old but hot damn, he's built like Jacob from Twi.light, no lie! No sex but a lot of fun was had. Then I met a guy I'll call SOG, short for Shades of Grey, because he was convinced he was that Christian character, he was arrogant and egotistical and our one date ended comically so that ended that little almost adventure.
So, needless to say, I've been going out a lot and having a blast! Flirting, texting and talking with guys from a couple dating sites and of course, at my favorite bar. I have hardly talked to C and I am much happier for that. I have moved on and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I finally accepted that my marriage is over and while it is sad that we couldn't make it work, everything that has happened is happening for a reason. I know one day this will all make sense to me and I'm perfectly ok with just seeing where this journey is taking me. It's already been loads of fun and I feel like such a different person than I was a year ago. I actually like who I am now! I've grown so much and am learning every day who I am, it's the greatest feeling to fall in love with yourself and your life. It's freeing and peaceful and amazing.
Most of all, it's hopeful. I can't believe I spent so much of the last couple of years so damn unhappy. I didn't see my unhappiness for what it truly was and now that I'm happy, I can't go back. I won't ever again convince myself that this is how life is suppose to be. This is my life and while it isn't the life I expected or dreamed about but it's the life I've been given and it's a gift. So I plan on living my life to the fullest. Mainly, I plan on living it for myself. When I told my friends all of this, they told me "Welcome to truly starting over, Amanda. Welcome to the beginning of the most fun you'll ever have!"
I got knocked down and broken into a million pieces but I stood up and put myself back together and now I'm ready to kick ass. Watch out, world, here I come!
March 15, 2013
Working Woman
Yep, I officially stopped being a lady of leisure and got a job. An old friend of mine from high school introduced me to her boss and he hired me last week. He's paying me more than I thought I'd get since I have such little experience and it's just me and her in an office located in a warehouse full of men. It's pretty awesome! They buy us food and check me out enough to boost my ego, plus I get hit on over the phone a lot..haha! I really like the job and it feels so damn good to be productive.
I had a really rough couple of weeks recently. I was crying a lot, drinking a lot and was basically just being a hot damn mess. My siblings kicked my butt in gear and I haven't really drank or cried since then. I like to think it was rock bottom for me, a definite darkest before dawn situation. I've felt very different ever since and am grateful that the worst thing I did was puke all over my bathroom one night. The day after hitting rock bottom was both scary and exhilarating. I can only go up from here but sitting at the bottom, staring up at that big climb, just overwhelmed me but in a good way. A week after that was when I got the job. I like to think that was God giving me a pat on the back!
My feelings are complicated enough that I still get sad sometimes but they're also simple enough that I can see clearly. I know that probably makes no sense but it's how I feel. I miss him and love him but I am ok with all of this. I am at peace with this decision in a way I didn't think was possible. I absolutely love him and wish things were different but the reality is that we stopped being happy a long time ago. It just wasn't working between us even though we really wanted it to. I didn't like who I was and ever since we split, I like who I am again. I'm much nicer and laugh a lot more, things that used to bother me before just don't phase me now. I'm happy even though I'm sad, thank you Perks of Being a Wallflower for that brilliance! It's so true for me right now.
I am a different person than I was 5 months ago when he left and I know that I can't go back, not at this point. My biggest fear was losing him and yet, I survived. I'm still standing and I'm actually thriving. I see the world and my future in a way I haven't in a very long time. I had forgotten my dreams and my plans and now that I've found them again, the world is mine. I haven't felt this open to life since I graduated high school and stood on that edge of believing anything was possible if you had enough guts to chase it. It was a fresh start and I recognized that, embraced it. You don't get many chances in life to start fresh and even though this wasn't my choice and it's a choice that broke my heart, I am going to run with it.
I have the world before me and anything is possible. The best thing and worst thing he ever did for me was leave me. Worst for obvious reasons but the best because he showed me I could live without him. He gave me back to me, and that my friends, is the silver lining in this mess of heartache. I have hope and faith that the future holds great things for me and I have enough guts now to run after it.
I have a fire in me that is blazing after being just a flicker for so long.
I had a really rough couple of weeks recently. I was crying a lot, drinking a lot and was basically just being a hot damn mess. My siblings kicked my butt in gear and I haven't really drank or cried since then. I like to think it was rock bottom for me, a definite darkest before dawn situation. I've felt very different ever since and am grateful that the worst thing I did was puke all over my bathroom one night. The day after hitting rock bottom was both scary and exhilarating. I can only go up from here but sitting at the bottom, staring up at that big climb, just overwhelmed me but in a good way. A week after that was when I got the job. I like to think that was God giving me a pat on the back!
My feelings are complicated enough that I still get sad sometimes but they're also simple enough that I can see clearly. I know that probably makes no sense but it's how I feel. I miss him and love him but I am ok with all of this. I am at peace with this decision in a way I didn't think was possible. I absolutely love him and wish things were different but the reality is that we stopped being happy a long time ago. It just wasn't working between us even though we really wanted it to. I didn't like who I was and ever since we split, I like who I am again. I'm much nicer and laugh a lot more, things that used to bother me before just don't phase me now. I'm happy even though I'm sad, thank you Perks of Being a Wallflower for that brilliance! It's so true for me right now.
I am a different person than I was 5 months ago when he left and I know that I can't go back, not at this point. My biggest fear was losing him and yet, I survived. I'm still standing and I'm actually thriving. I see the world and my future in a way I haven't in a very long time. I had forgotten my dreams and my plans and now that I've found them again, the world is mine. I haven't felt this open to life since I graduated high school and stood on that edge of believing anything was possible if you had enough guts to chase it. It was a fresh start and I recognized that, embraced it. You don't get many chances in life to start fresh and even though this wasn't my choice and it's a choice that broke my heart, I am going to run with it.
I have the world before me and anything is possible. The best thing and worst thing he ever did for me was leave me. Worst for obvious reasons but the best because he showed me I could live without him. He gave me back to me, and that my friends, is the silver lining in this mess of heartache. I have hope and faith that the future holds great things for me and I have enough guts now to run after it.
I have a fire in me that is blazing after being just a flicker for so long.
January 28, 2013
30 is the new 20, right?
Yesterday I hit a milestone that I've been looking forward to for quite some time- my 30th birthday! Yep, I officially left behind my twenties and slid into my thirties, it only hurt a tiny bit. I had a big party Saturday and got appropriately trashed, it was wonderful. I didn't think I had a hangover but I did feel very blah all day. Guess that's the price you pay as you get older and try to drink like you're still a young thing in your twenties...ha!
I remember my 20th birthday, I was super depressed about it and just wanted to avoid it at all costs. I was so unhappy about leaving behind my teens and actually shed a few tears about it, can you say drama queen?! But here I am, ten years later, and while my life is definitely different, I wasn't sad about it. I was happy to celebrate 30, it feels like a new beginning for me, a fresh start. A chance to get everything right in my life and find happiness. I just know my thirties will be my best decade yet!
The only moment I had that sucked was late last night when I thought about how this was my first birthday as a single lady. I got a little wistful thinking about all the birthdays I celebrated with C and wondered what this birthday would have been like if we were still together. He always did so good on my birthday and made it special for me. I didn't even hear from him but guess that's not surprising, even if it did hurt my feelings. This is divorce and sometimes, that's just a struggle to accept.
I might not be where I thought I'd be at this age or have all the answers but I'm on my way and know this will be my best yet. I feel like my life is just beginning and I can't wait to see what adventures await me. Here's to my next 30 years!
I remember my 20th birthday, I was super depressed about it and just wanted to avoid it at all costs. I was so unhappy about leaving behind my teens and actually shed a few tears about it, can you say drama queen?! But here I am, ten years later, and while my life is definitely different, I wasn't sad about it. I was happy to celebrate 30, it feels like a new beginning for me, a fresh start. A chance to get everything right in my life and find happiness. I just know my thirties will be my best decade yet!
The only moment I had that sucked was late last night when I thought about how this was my first birthday as a single lady. I got a little wistful thinking about all the birthdays I celebrated with C and wondered what this birthday would have been like if we were still together. He always did so good on my birthday and made it special for me. I didn't even hear from him but guess that's not surprising, even if it did hurt my feelings. This is divorce and sometimes, that's just a struggle to accept.
I might not be where I thought I'd be at this age or have all the answers but I'm on my way and know this will be my best yet. I feel like my life is just beginning and I can't wait to see what adventures await me. Here's to my next 30 years!
January 15, 2013
Let go
Letting go and accepting the end of my marriage has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders! I am smiling again, laughing, watching sappy movies and can listen to love songs without immediately thinking of C. I feel like me again and for the first time in 3 months, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am happy and it feels damn good.
I make sure to take care of myself and I have learned my limits and don't push them. I avoid the triggers and somehow manage my grief over my failed marriage. Sometimes the oddest thing will trigger something unexpectedly and I'll feel the sting and maybe shed a tear or two but it's happening less and less. I have surrounded myself with the most amazing and supportive people, they are a source of great comfort to me. I'm very blessed!
I joined two dating sites and so far it hasn't been great. The strangest guys contact me or just straight up ask if I'm interested in just sex with them. I'm not totally ready to date so I'm not too bummed about turning them down! But, I do have a crush! Let's call him KA, short for kool aid, because he has the biggest kool aid grin that will just make you melt. He's incredibly sweet and very funny. KA sends me the best texts and never fails to cheer me up. He doesn't live near me so dating isn't really an option but it's nice to have a crush that is so safe, KWIM? He's safe because I can crush from afar and not have to act on anything before I'm truly ready.
I haven't really dealt with C in a while, last time we talked we ended up fighting so we agreed it's best to not contact each other. He's trying to push the finalization to March rather than February and I'm fighting that. I just want this to be over and done so I can move on and not look back. I just can't truly move on until it's final, I need that divorce decree and I want to take my maiden name back asap. The divorce decree is necessary for my peace of mind but in my heart, I honestly don't feel married to him anymore.
I'm sorry C and I came to this end but I'm glad that this is just the beginning of something even greater for me.
I make sure to take care of myself and I have learned my limits and don't push them. I avoid the triggers and somehow manage my grief over my failed marriage. Sometimes the oddest thing will trigger something unexpectedly and I'll feel the sting and maybe shed a tear or two but it's happening less and less. I have surrounded myself with the most amazing and supportive people, they are a source of great comfort to me. I'm very blessed!
I joined two dating sites and so far it hasn't been great. The strangest guys contact me or just straight up ask if I'm interested in just sex with them. I'm not totally ready to date so I'm not too bummed about turning them down! But, I do have a crush! Let's call him KA, short for kool aid, because he has the biggest kool aid grin that will just make you melt. He's incredibly sweet and very funny. KA sends me the best texts and never fails to cheer me up. He doesn't live near me so dating isn't really an option but it's nice to have a crush that is so safe, KWIM? He's safe because I can crush from afar and not have to act on anything before I'm truly ready.
I haven't really dealt with C in a while, last time we talked we ended up fighting so we agreed it's best to not contact each other. He's trying to push the finalization to March rather than February and I'm fighting that. I just want this to be over and done so I can move on and not look back. I just can't truly move on until it's final, I need that divorce decree and I want to take my maiden name back asap. The divorce decree is necessary for my peace of mind but in my heart, I honestly don't feel married to him anymore.
I'm sorry C and I came to this end but I'm glad that this is just the beginning of something even greater for me.
January 6, 2013
New Beginnings
I was dreading NYE but it ended up being the best one I've ever had! We had a small party at my house with just my siblings and my favorite uncle and aunt, we listened to great music and drank our livers mad. We gave out bottles of brandy as wedding favors, my uncle still had his and brought it over. Him and me toasted to my divorce and preceded to get very drunk off it. It was a full circle moment for me. I even busted open C's prized bottle of Jack and drank straight from it...that felt amazing!
I've been dealing with the divorce with much more strength lately. I've accepted it and have taken the final steps toward finalization, which is so empowering! We finalize in February and I am really anxious to get it over with so I can truly move on. It's been a lot of work to separate our lives and I'm still doing so. Canceling various joint accounts, going through all our papers and returning his stuff to him....it's kinda therapeutic. There were still a few sweaters and jackets of his in my closet and a whole drawer full of this socks and stuff, so I boxed it all up and took it to my ILs. Now there is nothing in my room that is his, that is awesome! I took down pictures, went through our movies and cds and boxed up all wedding memorabilia. I want to get my wedding dress cleaned and either sale it or donate it. That makes me sad, I LOVED that damn dress.
I feel so at peace and very hopeful for my future. It's definitely an extremely different future than I imagined and that use to overwhelm me but I just take it day by day. I trust God and I know that there is something great ahead of me, I am excited to see what it is. I am excited at all the possibilities and how unlimited my future is, anything can happen! I'm living my life for me now and it's very liberating!
Want to know what spurred all this? I found out on NYE that Carlos had been cheating, complete with pictures of the 23 year old whore and him in various poses, hugging and kissing. I cried and cried and spent a couple of days absolutely miserable. Until yesterday, when I picked myself up and decided he isn't worth any more of my time. I refuse to be so upset about my marriage ending, it clearly is the best thing for me.
Onward and upward, my future awaits!
I've been dealing with the divorce with much more strength lately. I've accepted it and have taken the final steps toward finalization, which is so empowering! We finalize in February and I am really anxious to get it over with so I can truly move on. It's been a lot of work to separate our lives and I'm still doing so. Canceling various joint accounts, going through all our papers and returning his stuff to him....it's kinda therapeutic. There were still a few sweaters and jackets of his in my closet and a whole drawer full of this socks and stuff, so I boxed it all up and took it to my ILs. Now there is nothing in my room that is his, that is awesome! I took down pictures, went through our movies and cds and boxed up all wedding memorabilia. I want to get my wedding dress cleaned and either sale it or donate it. That makes me sad, I LOVED that damn dress.
I feel so at peace and very hopeful for my future. It's definitely an extremely different future than I imagined and that use to overwhelm me but I just take it day by day. I trust God and I know that there is something great ahead of me, I am excited to see what it is. I am excited at all the possibilities and how unlimited my future is, anything can happen! I'm living my life for me now and it's very liberating!
Want to know what spurred all this? I found out on NYE that Carlos had been cheating, complete with pictures of the 23 year old whore and him in various poses, hugging and kissing. I cried and cried and spent a couple of days absolutely miserable. Until yesterday, when I picked myself up and decided he isn't worth any more of my time. I refuse to be so upset about my marriage ending, it clearly is the best thing for me.
Onward and upward, my future awaits!
August 12, 2010
My 1st Giveaway!
In honor of my 100th post, I thought it would be fun to have a giveaway, this is my first and I am super excited about it! (Although my 100th post has come and gone, I am still calling this giveaway in it's honor.) I love blogs and the blogging community has been simply wonderful. The support I have received from everyone has been just truly heartwarming. I remember when there was not a single person following my blog and to have 48 today makes me feel like my blog is doing what I had hoped it would. That is why I am thrilled to have a giveaway!
First, I wanted to give you something pretty and so I teamed up with my good friend over at the Beadlady6 so you could pick something to decorate yourself with! (I own the red bracelet and LOVE it, it just adds such a pop of color when I wear it)
But, I also wanted to give you something representative of me and this blog, so I am also including this:
It's something to help you remember that above all, hope is one of the greatest strengths to have in face of adversity. Hope is a good thing and although I sometimes really struggle with remembering that, it always manages to show up and remind me that having hope in the midst of infertility is the best way to win this war. When I come out on the other side, I will look back, smile and know that hope kept me going, the hope of a child, my child. I hope the same for all of you.
To enter, please leave one comment and you must also be a follower of this blog. I will use random.org to select the winner, multiple replies will be discarded. I will close the contest on August 15th at midnight and announce the winner the next day, August 16.
Good luck!!
First, I wanted to give you something pretty and so I teamed up with my good friend over at the Beadlady6 so you could pick something to decorate yourself with! (I own the red bracelet and LOVE it, it just adds such a pop of color when I wear it)
But, I also wanted to give you something representative of me and this blog, so I am also including this:
It's something to help you remember that above all, hope is one of the greatest strengths to have in face of adversity. Hope is a good thing and although I sometimes really struggle with remembering that, it always manages to show up and remind me that having hope in the midst of infertility is the best way to win this war. When I come out on the other side, I will look back, smile and know that hope kept me going, the hope of a child, my child. I hope the same for all of you.
To enter, please leave one comment and you must also be a follower of this blog. I will use random.org to select the winner, multiple replies will be discarded. I will close the contest on August 15th at midnight and announce the winner the next day, August 16.
Good luck!!
April 27, 2010
What Now?
The disappointment is heavy on my heart and it just all feels so impossible right now. There is this ache inside of me, an emptiness where a baby belongs and I feel it so profoundly these days. It seems like we will never get to experience the one thing we desire with our entire being. I feel hopeless and that is the worst feeling.
We've been going over numbers and redoing them over and over again. We can afford the loan but it would be tight. If/When the IVF works, adding the costs of a pregnancy and a baby (or two) would just be too uncomfortable for us. We simply can't do that to our child. We don't want to enter parenthood worried about money. It was a very cold feeling when the realization hit us, we stayed up very late going over and over it all. I so desperately wish money wasn't standing in the way of our dreams.
But, we do have a tentative plan in place. If it all works out, then maybe something can happen by the end of the Summer but definitely by Spring we should be cycling. I'm praying like crazy and trying to be hopeful.
I gaze at the sky nightly and make a wish, seriously- without fail, I wish on a star every night. Just a few minutes ago, I let the dogs out to go potty. I glanced up at the sky and saw a shooting star. I instantly made a wish and laughed. Laughed because I haven't seen a shooting star in years, despite my repeated request to God to show me one as a sign of hope. I've been begging God for quite some time to give me the sign I so desperately need and tonight, he did. Guess there is hope after all.
We've been going over numbers and redoing them over and over again. We can afford the loan but it would be tight. If/When the IVF works, adding the costs of a pregnancy and a baby (or two) would just be too uncomfortable for us. We simply can't do that to our child. We don't want to enter parenthood worried about money. It was a very cold feeling when the realization hit us, we stayed up very late going over and over it all. I so desperately wish money wasn't standing in the way of our dreams.
But, we do have a tentative plan in place. If it all works out, then maybe something can happen by the end of the Summer but definitely by Spring we should be cycling. I'm praying like crazy and trying to be hopeful.
I gaze at the sky nightly and make a wish, seriously- without fail, I wish on a star every night. Just a few minutes ago, I let the dogs out to go potty. I glanced up at the sky and saw a shooting star. I instantly made a wish and laughed. Laughed because I haven't seen a shooting star in years, despite my repeated request to God to show me one as a sign of hope. I've been begging God for quite some time to give me the sign I so desperately need and tonight, he did. Guess there is hope after all.
November 9, 2009
Unbelievable
We went to our second opinion fully prepared to hear some more of what we have already been told. We both were trying to pretend that we weren't wishing, hoping and praying for a miracle. I sat with C through an extensive questioning of his medical history, our TTC journey and sex life. I witnessed a very thorough physical examination and was able to assist him in collecting semen for our 4th SA. Then we were told to wait for the results and to finally see Dr. L. After what felt like forever, but was really only 40 minutes, Dr. L strolled in and made me cry.
4 sperm. There were 4 sperm in the SA. 4 SPERM!! Two thoughts flew through my mind, where the hell had they been hiding and isn't 4 the most beautiful number, ever? Dr. L informed us that we would more than likely be sending Dr. Nuts a baby picture of C's biological child. He thinks Dr. Nuts is a total idiot and did everything wrong. Dr. L suspects a blockage and has ordered a transrectal ultrasonography (TRUS) and a seminal vesicle aspiration (SVA) for December 21. He also ordered a ton of blood work, including a Y-Chromosome Analysis to check C's DNA.
The 4 were not perfect, 3 were non-motile and only 1 was motile. Based on that, Dr. L said we would be ushered right into IVF, but that didn't surprise us. Well, it scares us but it doesn't surprise us. I cannot describe to you how it felt to be told this. We were in utter shock, I was crying my eyes out and C couldn't stop smiling. We are so glad that we didn't stop with Dr. Nut's or Dr. Insensitive's advice to adopt b/c C is sterile. I am so happy that I didn't ignore my instinct and traveled 500 miles to get another opinion. I am so grateful that God didn't turn His back on me and gave us this break.
As excited as we are, we also know that 4 does not equal a baby and that sperm doesn't equal a successful IVF cycle. But, 4 is so much more than 0. 4 is amazing. 4 is a miracle. 4 is hope.
4 sperm. There were 4 sperm in the SA. 4 SPERM!! Two thoughts flew through my mind, where the hell had they been hiding and isn't 4 the most beautiful number, ever? Dr. L informed us that we would more than likely be sending Dr. Nuts a baby picture of C's biological child. He thinks Dr. Nuts is a total idiot and did everything wrong. Dr. L suspects a blockage and has ordered a transrectal ultrasonography (TRUS) and a seminal vesicle aspiration (SVA) for December 21. He also ordered a ton of blood work, including a Y-Chromosome Analysis to check C's DNA.
The 4 were not perfect, 3 were non-motile and only 1 was motile. Based on that, Dr. L said we would be ushered right into IVF, but that didn't surprise us. Well, it scares us but it doesn't surprise us. I cannot describe to you how it felt to be told this. We were in utter shock, I was crying my eyes out and C couldn't stop smiling. We are so glad that we didn't stop with Dr. Nut's or Dr. Insensitive's advice to adopt b/c C is sterile. I am so happy that I didn't ignore my instinct and traveled 500 miles to get another opinion. I am so grateful that God didn't turn His back on me and gave us this break.
As excited as we are, we also know that 4 does not equal a baby and that sperm doesn't equal a successful IVF cycle. But, 4 is so much more than 0. 4 is amazing. 4 is a miracle. 4 is hope.
November 3, 2009
Changes
I've talked about my younger sister before, about how AF made her appearance the day of her baby shower, completely ruining it for me. This was in May and when I went home for the birth in June, AF made her appearance again. AF is such a stupid biatch and this is why we are no longer on speaking terms. AF has been MIA ever since but what do I expect from that asshat? Anyway, my sister was in an abusive relationship with the father that ended very badly recently. So, she's coming to live with us. My 21 year old sister and her 4 month old are going to be living with us. The "us" that is in the middle of the total crap that is azoospermia. Should be interesting. My sister and my mom assure me that it is temporary and I know that it is an emergency situation, so we don't mind. I just hope that I can keep my IF bitterness hidden while she's here. I'd do anything to protect my niece and my sister so here they come.
We're heading home tomorrow for a few days. Our second opinion appointment is Friday and we are anxiously awaiting it. It's all I can think about, so much so that I've been having baby dreams every night lately. Last night it was the cutest little girl named Ava Grace, which isn't a name we've ever been interested in, but there she was, my spitting image and cute as a button. The dream ended badly but in it, I was a mommmy and C was a daddy and our daughter was the most precious thing in the world. I just *know* that we're going to be parents and I can't wait to meet our child.
I hope these dreams are an indication of potential good news on Friday. I hope, with everything in me, that C is able to father children one day. So much is hinging on this appointment that it scares me. I don't want to pin all my hopes on this doctor b/c I'm very aware that there might be nothing he can do. I should be more cautious with my heart but I just can't help but have hope. Hope, because little Ava Grace also had her daddy's nose.
We're heading home tomorrow for a few days. Our second opinion appointment is Friday and we are anxiously awaiting it. It's all I can think about, so much so that I've been having baby dreams every night lately. Last night it was the cutest little girl named Ava Grace, which isn't a name we've ever been interested in, but there she was, my spitting image and cute as a button. The dream ended badly but in it, I was a mommmy and C was a daddy and our daughter was the most precious thing in the world. I just *know* that we're going to be parents and I can't wait to meet our child.
I hope these dreams are an indication of potential good news on Friday. I hope, with everything in me, that C is able to father children one day. So much is hinging on this appointment that it scares me. I don't want to pin all my hopes on this doctor b/c I'm very aware that there might be nothing he can do. I should be more cautious with my heart but I just can't help but have hope. Hope, because little Ava Grace also had her daddy's nose.
July 3, 2009
Happy 4th of July!
I love all holidays, I tend to go overboard for them but it's just so much fun to celebrate! We're having BBQ, beer and fireworks tomorrow with friends and family, I can't wait. My ILs decided, at the last minute, to drive up here and spend the weekend with us so I've been frantically cleaning. Carlos has been off all week so it's been nice to just hang out with him and to put his butt to work helping me clean! He's been a good sport about it and he's looking forward to spending some time with his parents. I'm not as happy about it but at least my MIL will cook for us while she's here, nobody can cook Mexican food like she can!
Monday is my big follow-up appt with my gyno to discuss our next step. I am super anxious and excited to move on in our IF journey. C is going with me to the appt and I'm happy that he'll be there to help calm my nerves. I think he's excited too but he doesn't like to talk much about all this so I try not to push him. I have a really good feeling about the next few months! I hope there's a BFP in the coming weeks!
Monday is my big follow-up appt with my gyno to discuss our next step. I am super anxious and excited to move on in our IF journey. C is going with me to the appt and I'm happy that he'll be there to help calm my nerves. I think he's excited too but he doesn't like to talk much about all this so I try not to push him. I have a really good feeling about the next few months! I hope there's a BFP in the coming weeks!
September 28, 2008
Hope
I need an outlet, somewhere to vent the frustrations and sadness associated with all the crap that has been tossed my way this year. I follow quite a few blogs that have been such a beacon of light as I try to deal with my fertility issues and hope that I can, in at least a small way, add to that beacon of light. I was diagnosed with PCOS this past April and we've been TTC almost since we got married two years ago. I say almost because we never officially called it TTC, we just did our thing and nothing happened. The PCOS also led to another diagnosis of nonalcoholic steatohepatitis aka a fatty liver. See what I mean about a crappy year? and this is after having my diseased gallbladder removed last November. It's been a whirlwind of surgeries, biopsies, labs and all types of doctors, our insurance company must love me!
The doctors strongly feel that I must get my liver under control before taking the next step in fertility treatments. I'm sad to put TTC on hold in order to fix my health but at the same time, how could I not? I need to be healthy before I carry a child, I need to be in better shape and all that but...it makes me sad. I am ready to have a baby, to be a mom and we are ready to make our world evolve around our child. The "we" I am referring to is my sweet husband Carlos, and he has been amazingly supportive through all of this. He has really stepped up to the plate and taken care of everything when I just could not or would not. Our two year old marriage has been interesting in face of all this medical crap.
Anyway, the depression sometimes gets the best of me and I am still trying to learn my way around PCOS, infertility and what this all means for us. I am hopeful because I just cannot contemplate anything beyond that right now, maybe I'm just being naive but I'm determined to not let PCOS get the last word! Hence the title of my blog, Hope Is Ours, because right now it is all I have to cling to.
The doctors strongly feel that I must get my liver under control before taking the next step in fertility treatments. I'm sad to put TTC on hold in order to fix my health but at the same time, how could I not? I need to be healthy before I carry a child, I need to be in better shape and all that but...it makes me sad. I am ready to have a baby, to be a mom and we are ready to make our world evolve around our child. The "we" I am referring to is my sweet husband Carlos, and he has been amazingly supportive through all of this. He has really stepped up to the plate and taken care of everything when I just could not or would not. Our two year old marriage has been interesting in face of all this medical crap.
Anyway, the depression sometimes gets the best of me and I am still trying to learn my way around PCOS, infertility and what this all means for us. I am hopeful because I just cannot contemplate anything beyond that right now, maybe I'm just being naive but I'm determined to not let PCOS get the last word! Hence the title of my blog, Hope Is Ours, because right now it is all I have to cling to.
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