Tomorrow would have been my ninth wedding anniversary. It's such an awkward date to remember now. But I can't help but remember it. Most of the important days from that relationship are just etched into my mind- our first kiss, our first date, the date we became "us", the day he proposed, the dates we bought our houses, and of course, the date we split up. A long history spanning from 1999 to 2013, I guess you're just bound to remember after that long. Those days mostly pass without me really feeling anything, or remembering if I don't prompt myself. But this one is actually giving me a little bit of a pause.
A pause to reflect a little. I never imagined nine years ago that our outcome would end up so drastically different from what we envisioned. No one does though, who plans for divorce? The first few years of our marriage weren't bad, I have fond memories. Everything started going downhill after the azoo dx and came to a halt when my father died. He actually came to me a mere three months after my Dad's death to tell me that his feelings for me had changed. But we stuck it out for a few more months, moving back to TX and everything in hopes that we would find our way out of such a bad place. It never happened, obviously.
Instead, I write this as a divorced woman, who has happily moved on and found something with a man I never dreamed was a reality. I'm a very blunt, honest person, it's both my best and worst quality. But I just couldn't be honest with myself in my marriage. Not that I'm too hard on myself about that, the hardest thing is being honest with yourself. I will gladly hold up the truth mirror for others but when it comes to catching a glimpse of myself, I avoid it at all costs. I'd like to think I've changed that aspect of myself but I'm not really sure. I guess it's still hard for me to face the truth.
But, the truth is, my marriage failed and that sucks. Not because I miss XH or yearn for a life with him, but because I failed. I know he shares the blame, believe me, but I'm not responsible for his failings, only my own. And my own hurt me more than he ever did. I think part of the reason I'm so adamant about not remarrying is because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to hold up my end of the bargain. I failed once, I really, really don't want to fail again. I can't do that to myself or to a man who loves me.
Of course, I am only a couple years post-divorce, who knows how I'll feel in the future. I have hope that I'll learn to forgive myself...and trust myself again.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
July 14, 2015
June 5, 2015
Awkward Encounters
Last weekend I went to one of those big stores that sells in bulk with my Mom. It had been a lazy Saturday up until that point, M was mowing the lawn when she called and asked me if I wanted to go with her. I was editing pictures but needed a break anyway. I threw on yoga pants, an old shirt, ran a comb through my hair, and left. We were just wondering around, throwing stuff in our cart when we turned a corner and directly in front of us was the woman XH left me for, with my XSIL and his niece.
It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, I literally gasped. I quickly walked away but I saw the smirk on that bitch's face and the stunned look on XSIL's face. I was shaking and called my sister so she could talk me down..LOL! My Mom went to pay and sent me out to wait in the car, I was so grateful because I just had to get out of there. A storm was rolling in and it just so aptly captured my emotions.
And man were the emotions rolling in. Everything from anger to sadness to grief to disbelief to gratitude that XH is no longer my husband....I felt it all. It was overwhelming but I was mostly just stunned. Coming home to M's smiling face put it all into perspective though. The divorce truly was for the best. I'm the happiest, best version of myself now. XH seems to be happy too. What started out in so much pain and sadness has ended in smiles and happiness. I'm so grateful for that.
But seeing my former niece, who is now 15, and who I've known since before she was born, was just so damn hard. We were really close and I miss her every damn day. When we split, I lost three nephews and two nieces and that is just so painful. I think about them often and wonder about how much they've grown. I remember their birthdays and can't stand to see their pictures. Then I look at my two nephews and my two nieces and thank God that I have them. XH often asks about them and I know he misses them.
We are so damn happy now in our respective lives but OMG, the fucking collateral damage in the wake is still such a tender wound. I hate that we hurt others. But, mainly, I just hate that these kids will one day reach a point where we aren't even a memory in their minds. I will remember them, XH will remember them, but those kids won't remember Aunt Amanda or Uncle Carlos.
And that really fucking hurts.
It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, I literally gasped. I quickly walked away but I saw the smirk on that bitch's face and the stunned look on XSIL's face. I was shaking and called my sister so she could talk me down..LOL! My Mom went to pay and sent me out to wait in the car, I was so grateful because I just had to get out of there. A storm was rolling in and it just so aptly captured my emotions.
And man were the emotions rolling in. Everything from anger to sadness to grief to disbelief to gratitude that XH is no longer my husband....I felt it all. It was overwhelming but I was mostly just stunned. Coming home to M's smiling face put it all into perspective though. The divorce truly was for the best. I'm the happiest, best version of myself now. XH seems to be happy too. What started out in so much pain and sadness has ended in smiles and happiness. I'm so grateful for that.
But seeing my former niece, who is now 15, and who I've known since before she was born, was just so damn hard. We were really close and I miss her every damn day. When we split, I lost three nephews and two nieces and that is just so painful. I think about them often and wonder about how much they've grown. I remember their birthdays and can't stand to see their pictures. Then I look at my two nephews and my two nieces and thank God that I have them. XH often asks about them and I know he misses them.
We are so damn happy now in our respective lives but OMG, the fucking collateral damage in the wake is still such a tender wound. I hate that we hurt others. But, mainly, I just hate that these kids will one day reach a point where we aren't even a memory in their minds. I will remember them, XH will remember them, but those kids won't remember Aunt Amanda or Uncle Carlos.
And that really fucking hurts.
March 21, 2015
What about the memories?
The other night, I decided to clean out my computer and back-up recent photo shoots. This led to me poking around on my external hard drive and coming across photos from 2009-2010. Photos in Arkansas, with old friends, and of course, XH. Hundreds of photos of a full life, one that definitely seemed happy. Evidence of a couple who seemed to be very happily married and enjoying life. It was the strangest thing to be looking at now, so many years later and post-divorce. M wasn't paying too much attention but I guess it eventually caught his eye and so I started explaining many of the photos to him. Who the people were, where we were at, what was going on. And then the avalanche of memories just started coming.
2009 was a difficult year, spent dealing with azoospermia and PCOS. IF was so damn hard on us and our marriage. 2010 wasn't much better with the roller coaster of postponing a few IVFs and looking into adoption. There was a lot of goodness sprinkled in though, just enough to keep us sane. But, looking back, I think those two years are where I can pinpoint our decline. That's when our marriage started failing and we stopped trying. It simply became too much and we just coasted. I can also pinpoint 2011 as the beginning of the end. XH became increasingly cruel and emotionally abusive, his manipulation took on a whole new level.The strain really took a toll on me and my self-esteem. My depression overwhelmed me and I finally got help from a doctor. Just as the meds actually started helping, my Dad died. Two months after he died, XH told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore but refused divorce and counseling. Instead, we decided to move back to TX and well, now here I am.
Here I am. Mindful of the bad but also stuck with countless memories that are good. He wasn't always an asshole, he was a great husband up until a certain point. So what do I do with all these good memories? The ones that do bring a smile to my face or make me laugh. The ones where everything aligned and our small world didn't revolve around IF or cancer or anything but each other for a moment. The hikes we went on where we marveled at the pure beauty around us, the night drives out into the middle of nowhere to stare at countless stars, the road trips we spent listening to stand-up comedy and laughing our asses off, the nights we couldn't sleep so instead whispered in the dark about childhood memories or future plans. What about those memories? Do they truly mean nothing now? Are they rendered meaningless because we divorced?
It's not like they haunt me, they honestly seldom cross my mind. But they are there and I don't want to just ignore them or act like the good never happened. I don't want the bad he did to outweigh the good. He was once something much more than my ex-husband who broke my heart in ways I can't explain. He's not somebody that I hate or wish ill on but he's also not somebody that I want in my life. It's just odd now and hard to explain. I'm past all the pain and tears and I got through that part without being bitter towards him, though it took a lot to get to that point, honestly. I'm grateful for that.
It's quite nice to not hate him but it's quite nice to not love him either.
2009 was a difficult year, spent dealing with azoospermia and PCOS. IF was so damn hard on us and our marriage. 2010 wasn't much better with the roller coaster of postponing a few IVFs and looking into adoption. There was a lot of goodness sprinkled in though, just enough to keep us sane. But, looking back, I think those two years are where I can pinpoint our decline. That's when our marriage started failing and we stopped trying. It simply became too much and we just coasted. I can also pinpoint 2011 as the beginning of the end. XH became increasingly cruel and emotionally abusive, his manipulation took on a whole new level.The strain really took a toll on me and my self-esteem. My depression overwhelmed me and I finally got help from a doctor. Just as the meds actually started helping, my Dad died. Two months after he died, XH told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore but refused divorce and counseling. Instead, we decided to move back to TX and well, now here I am.
Here I am. Mindful of the bad but also stuck with countless memories that are good. He wasn't always an asshole, he was a great husband up until a certain point. So what do I do with all these good memories? The ones that do bring a smile to my face or make me laugh. The ones where everything aligned and our small world didn't revolve around IF or cancer or anything but each other for a moment. The hikes we went on where we marveled at the pure beauty around us, the night drives out into the middle of nowhere to stare at countless stars, the road trips we spent listening to stand-up comedy and laughing our asses off, the nights we couldn't sleep so instead whispered in the dark about childhood memories or future plans. What about those memories? Do they truly mean nothing now? Are they rendered meaningless because we divorced?
It's not like they haunt me, they honestly seldom cross my mind. But they are there and I don't want to just ignore them or act like the good never happened. I don't want the bad he did to outweigh the good. He was once something much more than my ex-husband who broke my heart in ways I can't explain. He's not somebody that I hate or wish ill on but he's also not somebody that I want in my life. It's just odd now and hard to explain. I'm past all the pain and tears and I got through that part without being bitter towards him, though it took a lot to get to that point, honestly. I'm grateful for that.
It's quite nice to not hate him but it's quite nice to not love him either.
November 10, 2014
Car Accidents Suck
I was a car accident over the weekend. Saturday was a super busy day for me- small nephew's baseball game, watching my diva niece, shopping for photography props, etc all which had me driving all over Houston. I had such a strange feeling that day too, traffic was heavier than usual due to a festival in Galveston so I was being very cautious. But when I realized that I desperately needed to run out to I.kea for the last three props I needed to set up for Christmas shoots, I felt a sense of dread come over me. I just ignored it and set off anyway though because it had to be done.
When I saw the car was going to merge into my lane, I laid on my horn but he just kept coming so I slowed down and braced myself. M started cussing immediately and my brain just went into auto as I put the car in park, put on my flashers, and asked him to dial 911 while I got out to check on the other driver. Luckily, nobody was hurt and the poor kid was super sweet and apologetic. My car is so banged up but his insurance is taking care of it so I'm not upset, just really glad that it wasn't much worse.
I knew almost immediately that I needed to call XH. He's paying my car insurance and my car payment so I couldn't not tell him, although I thought about it. I hadn't spoken to him in 7 months but he was surprisingly decent and was only 30% a prick. We've been in contact since then via text and he's being a human being for once, so I'm grateful for that too. It was odd hearing his voice again, I realized I had kinda missed talking to him. Which is a really odd feeling for me to have. How can I miss talking to a guy who screamed such horrible things at me? The damage he's done outweighs the good but I guess the part of me that loved him for so long just overlooks that.
Divorce is such a roller coaster. It's been two years since we split up and so it's not raw anymore but it does still bother me. I do get sad that I'm divorced but I'm not sad that I'm divorced from him, if that makes sense. I'm still processing feelings I guess, not my feelings for him, but my feelings about marriage and divorce in general. I've made peace with the fact that XH and I aren't together, I just haven't made peace with marriage or divorce. Both concepts piss me off and I'm working on figuring it all out.
When I saw the car was going to merge into my lane, I laid on my horn but he just kept coming so I slowed down and braced myself. M started cussing immediately and my brain just went into auto as I put the car in park, put on my flashers, and asked him to dial 911 while I got out to check on the other driver. Luckily, nobody was hurt and the poor kid was super sweet and apologetic. My car is so banged up but his insurance is taking care of it so I'm not upset, just really glad that it wasn't much worse.
I knew almost immediately that I needed to call XH. He's paying my car insurance and my car payment so I couldn't not tell him, although I thought about it. I hadn't spoken to him in 7 months but he was surprisingly decent and was only 30% a prick. We've been in contact since then via text and he's being a human being for once, so I'm grateful for that too. It was odd hearing his voice again, I realized I had kinda missed talking to him. Which is a really odd feeling for me to have. How can I miss talking to a guy who screamed such horrible things at me? The damage he's done outweighs the good but I guess the part of me that loved him for so long just overlooks that.
Divorce is such a roller coaster. It's been two years since we split up and so it's not raw anymore but it does still bother me. I do get sad that I'm divorced but I'm not sad that I'm divorced from him, if that makes sense. I'm still processing feelings I guess, not my feelings for him, but my feelings about marriage and divorce in general. I've made peace with the fact that XH and I aren't together, I just haven't made peace with marriage or divorce. Both concepts piss me off and I'm working on figuring it all out.
September 11, 2014
Things suck lately
Things lately have been not great. My health issues are popping up again and this time around, it scares the hell out of me. The first time this health stuff came to to light I was still in my twenties, married, and covered by his awesome health insurance. This time around, so much is different. It's scary and expensive and I can feel awfully alone. Because in true Amanda fashion, I'm not talking a lot about this stuff IRL. If it is brought up, I downplay it. It's overwhelming to just think about it, so my reasoning is that talking about it would probably throw me over the edge.
And now I have a huge pit in my stomach because this week sucked and now I'm going to talk about why. Ugh. XH is engaged. To the woman he left me for and emotionally cheated with. The young, tall, thin woman who I'd love to call a bunch of nasty names but am too much of a lady to do so. Just kidding, I totally would just let 'em out but I can't do the whole "shame the OW thing", it's just silly at this point. Although some days my tongue just can't be held and those days usually involve rum and a night out with the girls.
It didn't hurt, even if my pride did slightly cringe, my heart had no reaction. It irked me but in the super mature way of- "Fuck no, he can't win! He needs to be dumped!" I don't want him or to go back in time and redo all the damage for a second chance because my life now rocks (let's just ignore my health issues!) and I'm no longer the same Amanda I was back then. But wow, he sure still manages to surprise me. Engaged already. And to her. My pride is more than cringing, it's wanting to crawl under a rock with a bottle of rum.
I never imagined this being my life and most of the time, that is a positive thing because I'm happier now than I was then. But, then there are those moments where it sinks in deeper than I'd like and it aches something fierce. Times when my pride is wounded and the memories invade. Times when the depth of the hurt can't be denied. These times are fleeting and very rare. I usually stop, lick my wounds in private, enjoy some wine, and then keep on trucking.
I'll feel better tomorrow, today I'm going to wallow a little.
And now I have a huge pit in my stomach because this week sucked and now I'm going to talk about why. Ugh. XH is engaged. To the woman he left me for and emotionally cheated with. The young, tall, thin woman who I'd love to call a bunch of nasty names but am too much of a lady to do so. Just kidding, I totally would just let 'em out but I can't do the whole "shame the OW thing", it's just silly at this point. Although some days my tongue just can't be held and those days usually involve rum and a night out with the girls.
It didn't hurt, even if my pride did slightly cringe, my heart had no reaction. It irked me but in the super mature way of- "Fuck no, he can't win! He needs to be dumped!" I don't want him or to go back in time and redo all the damage for a second chance because my life now rocks (let's just ignore my health issues!) and I'm no longer the same Amanda I was back then. But wow, he sure still manages to surprise me. Engaged already. And to her. My pride is more than cringing, it's wanting to crawl under a rock with a bottle of rum.
I never imagined this being my life and most of the time, that is a positive thing because I'm happier now than I was then. But, then there are those moments where it sinks in deeper than I'd like and it aches something fierce. Times when my pride is wounded and the memories invade. Times when the depth of the hurt can't be denied. These times are fleeting and very rare. I usually stop, lick my wounds in private, enjoy some wine, and then keep on trucking.
I'll feel better tomorrow, today I'm going to wallow a little.
June 18, 2014
Busy, Busy, Busy
Remember how I casually slipped this announcement into the bottom of a grateful list? Maybe not? Maybe yes? In any case, I started my own photography business back in February. I've loved photography since I took a class back in high school and played with cameras off and on in the years since. I haven't been in a dark room in years but it was once my happy place! I got a Nikon DSLR in January of 2011 and have spent the last three years falling even more in love with photography. Family and friends have told me for years to start my photography business but I'd just laugh and make a joke about it. After my divorce, I really started thinking about it and people really started pushing me so I took the big step and I'm so happy I did.
I've done six shoots with seven more either scheduled already or in the process of being scheduled. It's mind-blowing to me! I'm in the process of designing a logo, designing business cards, and building a website. Not to mention shopping for more lenses, props, and maybe a new camera. Oh and scouting locations, pimping out my FB page, and building a client base. It's actually so much fun, I'm loving every aspect of it! I can't believe people are paying me to take pictures, it's amazing.
I'm also still job hunting, it's extremely frustrating. I'm realizing I can't keep doing nothing so my sister and I are starting an etsy shop! Mainly going to sale jewelry but looking to expand beyond that, if it's successful. I'm also helping my nephew and cousin with college stuff- going over college brochures, SAT prep, getting exposure for their baseball on social media, etc. Basically, I'm being their manager and it's nice to help get them excited about college and their future. And I'm planning a benefit for my BFF's dad, who has been fighting cancer since 2011. So, lots on my plate and I'm a busy little bee but I much prefer that over doing absolutely nothing like I was!
So, I'm leaving you with some pictures, nothing of faces because I'm still protecting the anonymity of both myself and my loved ones but I've been toying with the idea of "outting" myself lately too. I am starting to feel like the time of hiding is coming to an end.
I've done six shoots with seven more either scheduled already or in the process of being scheduled. It's mind-blowing to me! I'm in the process of designing a logo, designing business cards, and building a website. Not to mention shopping for more lenses, props, and maybe a new camera. Oh and scouting locations, pimping out my FB page, and building a client base. It's actually so much fun, I'm loving every aspect of it! I can't believe people are paying me to take pictures, it's amazing.
I'm also still job hunting, it's extremely frustrating. I'm realizing I can't keep doing nothing so my sister and I are starting an etsy shop! Mainly going to sale jewelry but looking to expand beyond that, if it's successful. I'm also helping my nephew and cousin with college stuff- going over college brochures, SAT prep, getting exposure for their baseball on social media, etc. Basically, I'm being their manager and it's nice to help get them excited about college and their future. And I'm planning a benefit for my BFF's dad, who has been fighting cancer since 2011. So, lots on my plate and I'm a busy little bee but I much prefer that over doing absolutely nothing like I was!
So, I'm leaving you with some pictures, nothing of faces because I'm still protecting the anonymity of both myself and my loved ones but I've been toying with the idea of "outting" myself lately too. I am starting to feel like the time of hiding is coming to an end.
June 2, 2014
Me Without Him
Around this time last year, things really started turning around for me. Much of the post-split haze had lifted and my anti-depressant medications had been adjusted and were working wonderfully. I still had moments of weakness, and those would continue for a few more months, but for the most part I had turned a corner. It was an amazing feeling. It felt like I had reclaimed my life for me and like I was finally living my life for myself and nobody else. I was free!
I took my freedom and ran with it. I started out slowly- decorating my house however I desired, added pink touches to my bedroom, spread my makeup out on the bathroom counter and took over the entire master closet. Then I started drinking whenever the urge struck, something XH didn't "allow". I covered his side of the bed in magazines, books, my Nook and my laptop so they were always within arms reach. Then I started going out a lot and making out with random guys in bars. Around this time last year, I had my first ever one night stand. It was quickly followed by a couple more because why not? I was all over OKC, flirting with guys via messaging and having a blast. Of course, I met the Cowboy not long after but the fun didn't stop because I was in a relationship! If anything, it's gotten even more fun!
I was with XH for 13 years, I never experienced a lot of things because I spent my twenties engaged, married and dealing with IF. I never knew anything but life with him and discovering life without him has been one of my life's greatest adventures. I never knew how happy I could be. I never knew how high I could fly. I didn't know how much better I would be without him. Until my divorce. It took my divorce to show/teach me all of that. And now I know I could never go back, I've come too far. I know I've said it before but it's something I say often: Even on my worst days now, I'm still happier now than on my best days back then.
My marriage wasn't always bad, it once was great and once upon a time, we were in love and happy. But things changed and it became very toxic and unhealthy. I am grateful that it ended when it did. His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me because it saved me and gave me back to myself. It started me on a journey that has been the most amazing experience. I had a lot of dark days, especially at the beginning and I'm not exactly sure what got me through them. I suspect it was a joint effort between my faith, my family and friends and lots and lots of rum. I think my own stubbornness had a lot to do with it too though. I simply had to get through it because I knew in my heart that once I came out on the other side, my life would never be the same and that it would have changed for the better. It was very difficult to trust that instinct but I'm glad I did, I have no regrets. I think, in the end, it has all worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.
I'm where I need to be, I still have far to go but I know I'll get there. Right now, I'm just enjoying this great adventure I'm on and soaking up everything I can. This is me without him. And it's the life I've always hoped I'd live.
I took my freedom and ran with it. I started out slowly- decorating my house however I desired, added pink touches to my bedroom, spread my makeup out on the bathroom counter and took over the entire master closet. Then I started drinking whenever the urge struck, something XH didn't "allow". I covered his side of the bed in magazines, books, my Nook and my laptop so they were always within arms reach. Then I started going out a lot and making out with random guys in bars. Around this time last year, I had my first ever one night stand. It was quickly followed by a couple more because why not? I was all over OKC, flirting with guys via messaging and having a blast. Of course, I met the Cowboy not long after but the fun didn't stop because I was in a relationship! If anything, it's gotten even more fun!
I was with XH for 13 years, I never experienced a lot of things because I spent my twenties engaged, married and dealing with IF. I never knew anything but life with him and discovering life without him has been one of my life's greatest adventures. I never knew how happy I could be. I never knew how high I could fly. I didn't know how much better I would be without him. Until my divorce. It took my divorce to show/teach me all of that. And now I know I could never go back, I've come too far. I know I've said it before but it's something I say often: Even on my worst days now, I'm still happier now than on my best days back then.
My marriage wasn't always bad, it once was great and once upon a time, we were in love and happy. But things changed and it became very toxic and unhealthy. I am grateful that it ended when it did. His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me because it saved me and gave me back to myself. It started me on a journey that has been the most amazing experience. I had a lot of dark days, especially at the beginning and I'm not exactly sure what got me through them. I suspect it was a joint effort between my faith, my family and friends and lots and lots of rum. I think my own stubbornness had a lot to do with it too though. I simply had to get through it because I knew in my heart that once I came out on the other side, my life would never be the same and that it would have changed for the better. It was very difficult to trust that instinct but I'm glad I did, I have no regrets. I think, in the end, it has all worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.
I'm where I need to be, I still have far to go but I know I'll get there. Right now, I'm just enjoying this great adventure I'm on and soaking up everything I can. This is me without him. And it's the life I've always hoped I'd live.
December 9, 2013
Hope is Mine
C stopped by again last night, making that two weeks in a row. He seems like he's on the verge of saying something but just can't bring himself to actually do it. We talked for an hour outside, him sitting in his truck and me standing in the open door. He turns his heater vent towards me so I don't completely freeze. We talk about his work, our families and friends, catch each other up on our lives and sometimes discuss what happened with us. Talking about our demise is always sad and it upsets me but not like it use to do. I can talk with a level head and so can he. We're reached a good place but man did it take us a while to get here.
I think we're friends or at least we're on our way to being friends. We still joke around and make each other laugh. Sometimes it strikes me as so odd that I'm standing there laughing with this man who I know so intimately yet not at all anymore. For a brief moment last night, I saw past the bullshit of the last year and caught a glimpse of how we use to be, before it all fell epically apart. It was a bittersweet feeling. I got a little teary eyed because our divorce will actually be final this week. I was standing with my husband for the last time and that just touched something deep inside me.
I married C so young but so in love. I was so proud to be his wife and adored calling him my husband. I was so very proud to carry his last name too. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that we would be divorcing. And I know I'll always carry a smidgen of this pain with me, just like I'll always love C. He's 13 years of my life and carries within him so many shared memories. I wouldn't be who I am today without him. So I don't regret one single moment with him. This divorce was the best thing for us though, as individuals. I've grown so much and I really am quite happy with my life at the moment.
He needed to be on the other side of the state by morning so when it began to sprinkle, we started winding down our talk. I looked at him and pointed out that this was our last time together as husband and wife. I hugged him pretty tight and touched his cheek, one last time. Told him to be careful and walked back into my house as he drove away. I never looked back, just marched straight inside.
I've been through hell the last few years. I'm very proud of the person I've become because I fought like hell to become her. This is my life and it's nothing like I imagined but it is wonderful. My past is bittersweet but it's behind me now and I'm excited about everything that lies ahead of me. A big, blank canvas that is entirely up to ME to paint. I'm just getting started but I can tell it's gong to be a beautiful picture in the end.
Hope is mine. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I think we're friends or at least we're on our way to being friends. We still joke around and make each other laugh. Sometimes it strikes me as so odd that I'm standing there laughing with this man who I know so intimately yet not at all anymore. For a brief moment last night, I saw past the bullshit of the last year and caught a glimpse of how we use to be, before it all fell epically apart. It was a bittersweet feeling. I got a little teary eyed because our divorce will actually be final this week. I was standing with my husband for the last time and that just touched something deep inside me.
I married C so young but so in love. I was so proud to be his wife and adored calling him my husband. I was so very proud to carry his last name too. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that we would be divorcing. And I know I'll always carry a smidgen of this pain with me, just like I'll always love C. He's 13 years of my life and carries within him so many shared memories. I wouldn't be who I am today without him. So I don't regret one single moment with him. This divorce was the best thing for us though, as individuals. I've grown so much and I really am quite happy with my life at the moment.
He needed to be on the other side of the state by morning so when it began to sprinkle, we started winding down our talk. I looked at him and pointed out that this was our last time together as husband and wife. I hugged him pretty tight and touched his cheek, one last time. Told him to be careful and walked back into my house as he drove away. I never looked back, just marched straight inside.
I've been through hell the last few years. I'm very proud of the person I've become because I fought like hell to become her. This is my life and it's nothing like I imagined but it is wonderful. My past is bittersweet but it's behind me now and I'm excited about everything that lies ahead of me. A big, blank canvas that is entirely up to ME to paint. I'm just getting started but I can tell it's gong to be a beautiful picture in the end.
Hope is mine. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
October 18, 2013
Loaded Memories
There's just so much about Fall that makes me insanely happy: the way Summer gives in, reluctantly, to Fall, decorating for Halloween, pumpkin flavored everything, pretty colored leaves that float to the ground, bright Fall skies that almost hurt your eyes, how you can pull out the leggings and boots again and keep your windows open. How the whole world seems to be settling in and getting cozy in anticipation of all the love and goodness the next 3 months bring. Needless to say, Fall is my favorite season, I just love everything about it.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
October 12, 2013
1 year since he left me
The 10th officially marked a whole year since C walked out. Or, rather, a year since he called me and told me over the phone, like a coward. I can't stop remembering what was going on at this time last year; how I was feeling, what I was doing. There's actually not a lot I can remember, I was just so depressed. The first couple of months after he left are a big fog in my mind and I'm grateful to not really remember too much. I do know that I rarely got out of bed, I wasn't eating and I was crying so many tears that I'm surprised I didn't run out. I was also drinking, a lot. I'd crawl out of bed around 2pm, choke down some water and maybe a pickle or a carrot and then I'd sit under my covered patio, listening to sad country music and drinking. My family would come out periodically to check on me and friends would text but mainly I'd just drink and cry. I asked a lot of why questions and then I'd get so angry. I'd stumble into bed around 4am, too exhausted and drunk to process that I was crawling into our empty bed and do it all again the next day.
The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.
A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.
I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.
This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.
The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.
A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.
I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.
This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.
September 24, 2013
The Cowboy meets IF
When XH and I split up, I realized pretty quickly that it meant I would need some kind of birth control. That realization made my head spin...and my heart hurt. Granted my PCOS means I'm not exactly fertile myrtle, but I knew I didn't want to chance getting pregnant from a random if the condom broke. I have a super awesome gyno and when I got the full panel of STD testing (thanks XH for the cheating!) she made sure to emphasize that an IUD was my only option due to my various health problems. It took me a couple of months to let that sink in and to fully commit, but I got one inserted in May. Less than a week later, I also nailed my first post-divorce conquest but I digress. So, it's been interesting knowing that I, the woman who dealt with IF for 4 years, is now on birth control. But, because I was so busy being a whore, IF never really crossed my mind.
Then I met the Cowboy and along with that came the questions about why I'm 30 and child-free. I gave him a breezy answer at first, telling him that we tried but it didn't quite work out for us, that it was complicated. After we started getting more serious, I went more in depth about the details. I briefly educated him on azoo, IVF with ICSI, PCOS, and all the other crap. I touched lightly on the devastation and admitted that IF played a part in our marriage's destruction. He's a really sensitive guy so he knows it's a very touchy subject and he tries to avoid bringing it up but he does ask questions. He made it clear that he wanted children one day and told me that his ex-wife had two miscarriages during their marriage. My heart broke for him when he told me that. Heavy subjects for a 3 month old relationship but I'm 30 and he's almost 34 so I guess this is how it goes.
A couple of weeks ago, I commented on how sore my boobs were and a couple of days later, beer started tasting really weird to me. The Cowboy jokingly asked me if I was pregnant and seeing the look on my face, he quickly changed the subject. But, the look on my face wasn't one of IF related hurt, it was a look of terror as I realized I was indeed late. Cue the tears and a major freakout, which the Cowboy handled quite well, I must admit. He wanted me to POAS immediately but I knew better, my IF taught me well and I knew that my period would come just by us talking about it. Plus, I have an IUD, I'm covered on that front, right? Cue the frantic googling and more freak outs as I read about woman getting KU with an IUD. After dragging my feet for a few days, I gave in and bought a damn PG test, against my better judgment.
Seeing that BFN didn't hurt any less, if anything, it actually hurt more. I was that devastated IF'er all over again, wondering if I'd ever see a plus sign. Never-mind that a pregnancy scare with a brand new BF isn't the ideal situation, I was heartbroken. And, per the usual IF luck, my period showed up the next fucking day. I cried even more. The Cowboy was so sweet and never once pointed out how new our relationship is; didn't blink an eye that I was freaking out about possibly being pregnant, considering it would be by a man I have known 3 months. He just held me and told me goofy jokes.
The rational, logical part of me knows that it's better for me to not be pregnant but the woman who dealt with so much IF related pain, just ached. The pain of seeing a BFN, combined with the mess of emotions I was feeling by possibly being pregnant by a man who isn't XH, plus the hope I let myself feel, however briefly, just hit me like a tidal wave. I had a very bad week last week. I was angry, sad, confused, relieved, disappointed and just all around a huge emotional mess. The experience also meant that the Cowboy and I had several long talks about the emotional aspect of IF and the toll it took on both myself and XH. These talks involved a lot of tears and heavy emotions, talking about it just made the already open wounds more raw. It was so hard to dive back into those feelings, to explain how it felt to be told C was sterile, how it hurt to be around pregnant ladies and how much Mother's and Father's Day just sucked. This whole ordeal made me realize that IF will always cast a shadow over my life. It jades so much now and whoever I do decide to have children with, is going to have to be ok with knowing that these IF scars bleed easily when poked. He's going to have to be very understanding about me carrying this huge pain from my first marriage. A pain that will affect not only me, but us, once we decide to try for a baby. I know now that any man I get serious with will have to be introduced to IF at some point. It was damn hard to open up about it to the Cowboy, to show him to the deep cuts IF made. I was so scared he'd just run as fast as he could in the other direction, especially since we were dealing with such serious stuff as quickly as we were. But, he's a great guy and it hasn't really phased him. He's just as sweet as always.
I really questioned writing this post, because I know IF is such an emotional topic for so many of us. And I knew an accidental pregnancy would be the last thing any of you still in those fucking trenches would want to read about. I sincerely hope you believe that my intention was to just be brutally honest with all of you about my life post-divorce. So many of us have dealt with IF but I haven't come across many blogs of IF'ers learning how to navigate life after their marriage crumbled. I just want to be honest with all of you and show you how I am handling starting over and all the complications that pop up. Also, please know that I still see life from my IF view. It just got buried by my divorce until now. I thought that perhaps that part of my life was behind me but, nope, IF still has her damn claws in me. It's just different now, without XH, but it's still there and it still hurts like a bitch.
Then I met the Cowboy and along with that came the questions about why I'm 30 and child-free. I gave him a breezy answer at first, telling him that we tried but it didn't quite work out for us, that it was complicated. After we started getting more serious, I went more in depth about the details. I briefly educated him on azoo, IVF with ICSI, PCOS, and all the other crap. I touched lightly on the devastation and admitted that IF played a part in our marriage's destruction. He's a really sensitive guy so he knows it's a very touchy subject and he tries to avoid bringing it up but he does ask questions. He made it clear that he wanted children one day and told me that his ex-wife had two miscarriages during their marriage. My heart broke for him when he told me that. Heavy subjects for a 3 month old relationship but I'm 30 and he's almost 34 so I guess this is how it goes.
A couple of weeks ago, I commented on how sore my boobs were and a couple of days later, beer started tasting really weird to me. The Cowboy jokingly asked me if I was pregnant and seeing the look on my face, he quickly changed the subject. But, the look on my face wasn't one of IF related hurt, it was a look of terror as I realized I was indeed late. Cue the tears and a major freakout, which the Cowboy handled quite well, I must admit. He wanted me to POAS immediately but I knew better, my IF taught me well and I knew that my period would come just by us talking about it. Plus, I have an IUD, I'm covered on that front, right? Cue the frantic googling and more freak outs as I read about woman getting KU with an IUD. After dragging my feet for a few days, I gave in and bought a damn PG test, against my better judgment.
Seeing that BFN didn't hurt any less, if anything, it actually hurt more. I was that devastated IF'er all over again, wondering if I'd ever see a plus sign. Never-mind that a pregnancy scare with a brand new BF isn't the ideal situation, I was heartbroken. And, per the usual IF luck, my period showed up the next fucking day. I cried even more. The Cowboy was so sweet and never once pointed out how new our relationship is; didn't blink an eye that I was freaking out about possibly being pregnant, considering it would be by a man I have known 3 months. He just held me and told me goofy jokes.
The rational, logical part of me knows that it's better for me to not be pregnant but the woman who dealt with so much IF related pain, just ached. The pain of seeing a BFN, combined with the mess of emotions I was feeling by possibly being pregnant by a man who isn't XH, plus the hope I let myself feel, however briefly, just hit me like a tidal wave. I had a very bad week last week. I was angry, sad, confused, relieved, disappointed and just all around a huge emotional mess. The experience also meant that the Cowboy and I had several long talks about the emotional aspect of IF and the toll it took on both myself and XH. These talks involved a lot of tears and heavy emotions, talking about it just made the already open wounds more raw. It was so hard to dive back into those feelings, to explain how it felt to be told C was sterile, how it hurt to be around pregnant ladies and how much Mother's and Father's Day just sucked. This whole ordeal made me realize that IF will always cast a shadow over my life. It jades so much now and whoever I do decide to have children with, is going to have to be ok with knowing that these IF scars bleed easily when poked. He's going to have to be very understanding about me carrying this huge pain from my first marriage. A pain that will affect not only me, but us, once we decide to try for a baby. I know now that any man I get serious with will have to be introduced to IF at some point. It was damn hard to open up about it to the Cowboy, to show him to the deep cuts IF made. I was so scared he'd just run as fast as he could in the other direction, especially since we were dealing with such serious stuff as quickly as we were. But, he's a great guy and it hasn't really phased him. He's just as sweet as always.
I really questioned writing this post, because I know IF is such an emotional topic for so many of us. And I knew an accidental pregnancy would be the last thing any of you still in those fucking trenches would want to read about. I sincerely hope you believe that my intention was to just be brutally honest with all of you about my life post-divorce. So many of us have dealt with IF but I haven't come across many blogs of IF'ers learning how to navigate life after their marriage crumbled. I just want to be honest with all of you and show you how I am handling starting over and all the complications that pop up. Also, please know that I still see life from my IF view. It just got buried by my divorce until now. I thought that perhaps that part of my life was behind me but, nope, IF still has her damn claws in me. It's just different now, without XH, but it's still there and it still hurts like a bitch.
September 13, 2013
Stuck in Limbo
Can you believe my divorce still isn't final? We split up 11 months ago and filed 10 months ago but we are still legally married. It took us some time to reach a settlement and then we both were busy and then my lawyer was busy and then we finally reached an agreement so I signed the papers. Only to get a call from C that night refusing to sign unless some changes were made. Changes to an agreement we had just reached, yeah, ok asshole. So I forwarded the info to my lawyer and the next thing I know, C has hired a lawyer too. So now we are back at square one, I guess? C wants to change things up drastically, my lawyer is pissed and so we are fighting and headed to mediation. It's been a roller coaster and it's one that I am quite ready to get off.
Despite us being in the middle of a divorce, we still talk about once a week. He's even met the Cowboy. Which was an interesting experience for me but everyone behaved and acted civil, which you can never guarantee from C so I was very relieved. C has started just showing up at my house, the last time was around 9:30 at night last week. He claimed he was giving me my mail but it was mostly junk and then he stayed for about an hour and vented about work and his friends and caught me up on his life. It was weird to have him talk to me that way, like we were still something and were just chatting about our day, like we use to. Stuff like that just gets to me. Of course C will always be special to me and part of me will always love him but I've moved on now. I seldom think about us the way I use to and I don't want him back anymore. I literally can't imagine getting back with that man, I just can't.
So, here I sit, stuck in limbo. My awesome boyfriend by my side and my soon-to-be ex-husband still a thorn in my ass. It's confusing at times and tensions can run high but if I've learned anything the last year, it's to just roll with it all. So, I shake my head at the mess and laugh...because I just know, deep down inside, that everything is happening for a reason and I'm exactly where I need to be. It will all work out the way it's suppose to so there's no reason to stress over it. Instead, I laugh and grab the Cowboy's hand and zoom off on another adventure. Or meet my friends for drinks at our favorite bar. Or play with the dogs. Or read a book. Or, I smoke a cigarette with C and we talk like there isn't some huge elephant standing in the room. (I seldom smoke, but occasionally, the situation just calls for one.)
Limbo, it's not too terrible for now but I know I can't stay forever.
Despite us being in the middle of a divorce, we still talk about once a week. He's even met the Cowboy. Which was an interesting experience for me but everyone behaved and acted civil, which you can never guarantee from C so I was very relieved. C has started just showing up at my house, the last time was around 9:30 at night last week. He claimed he was giving me my mail but it was mostly junk and then he stayed for about an hour and vented about work and his friends and caught me up on his life. It was weird to have him talk to me that way, like we were still something and were just chatting about our day, like we use to. Stuff like that just gets to me. Of course C will always be special to me and part of me will always love him but I've moved on now. I seldom think about us the way I use to and I don't want him back anymore. I literally can't imagine getting back with that man, I just can't.
So, here I sit, stuck in limbo. My awesome boyfriend by my side and my soon-to-be ex-husband still a thorn in my ass. It's confusing at times and tensions can run high but if I've learned anything the last year, it's to just roll with it all. So, I shake my head at the mess and laugh...because I just know, deep down inside, that everything is happening for a reason and I'm exactly where I need to be. It will all work out the way it's suppose to so there's no reason to stress over it. Instead, I laugh and grab the Cowboy's hand and zoom off on another adventure. Or meet my friends for drinks at our favorite bar. Or play with the dogs. Or read a book. Or, I smoke a cigarette with C and we talk like there isn't some huge elephant standing in the room. (I seldom smoke, but occasionally, the situation just calls for one.)
Limbo, it's not too terrible for now but I know I can't stay forever.
March 2, 2013
Denial
I spent so much of January feeling so done with C, I was mad and annoyed by him. I could barely stand to talk to him and most of the time, our conversations ended in ugly fights. I focused on my crush, KA, and convinced myself that my marriage was over. He barely crossed my mind most days to be honest. Imagine my confusion when as February went on, he popped into my mind more and more. I was so annoyed with myself and couldn't figure out why the hell I kept thinking about him.
Last weekend I escaped to Dallas to see one of my best friends. I really needed to get away and spend a couple of days laughing and drinking. This friend was one I met in AR, her boyfriend worked with C and the four of us were close, we hung out often. Being around her made me miss C so damn much and like a damn strike of lightning, it hit me that I am in no way over him. I can't believe I still love him after all that has happened and after all that has been said. It makes me so sad that we are over, I never imagined I would have to get over the guy I've loved since I was 16.
Even though there was nothing official between KA and me, I definitely put an end to whatever it was because it's just not fair to either of us for me to lead him on. Makes me sad that I was so convinced I had feelings for him when all I was doing was distracting myself. He is a great guy and he definitely got me through some dark moments, he is a charmer for sure. But, right now, I am a mess. A mess who is barely 5 months out of a 13 year relationship with the guy who I was so sure was the love of my life. I need time and to stop being so hard on myself for how up and down my feelings are. As much as I hate feeling this awful pain, the only way I can get through it is to actually feel every drop of heartache. I need to grieve the end of my marriage and let myself heal as much as I can.
We finalize any day now, a realization that makes my heart drop. I did toss my pride to the side and told him that I loved him and wanted to work it out but obviously, that isn't happening. Maybe it's for the better though. What does it say about me that I would take him back after all of this? Haven't I learned my own self-worth by now? Don't I think I deserve better? My mind screams all of these questions at me while my heart just whimpers for C. It's a bitch. I know I can get through this, I know brighter days are ahead and I do have hope that my future will be amazing. But, right now, in the depths of this dark ass trench, I just miss him and love him and wish desperately things were different.
Denial is a heartless bitch.
Last weekend I escaped to Dallas to see one of my best friends. I really needed to get away and spend a couple of days laughing and drinking. This friend was one I met in AR, her boyfriend worked with C and the four of us were close, we hung out often. Being around her made me miss C so damn much and like a damn strike of lightning, it hit me that I am in no way over him. I can't believe I still love him after all that has happened and after all that has been said. It makes me so sad that we are over, I never imagined I would have to get over the guy I've loved since I was 16.
Even though there was nothing official between KA and me, I definitely put an end to whatever it was because it's just not fair to either of us for me to lead him on. Makes me sad that I was so convinced I had feelings for him when all I was doing was distracting myself. He is a great guy and he definitely got me through some dark moments, he is a charmer for sure. But, right now, I am a mess. A mess who is barely 5 months out of a 13 year relationship with the guy who I was so sure was the love of my life. I need time and to stop being so hard on myself for how up and down my feelings are. As much as I hate feeling this awful pain, the only way I can get through it is to actually feel every drop of heartache. I need to grieve the end of my marriage and let myself heal as much as I can.
We finalize any day now, a realization that makes my heart drop. I did toss my pride to the side and told him that I loved him and wanted to work it out but obviously, that isn't happening. Maybe it's for the better though. What does it say about me that I would take him back after all of this? Haven't I learned my own self-worth by now? Don't I think I deserve better? My mind screams all of these questions at me while my heart just whimpers for C. It's a bitch. I know I can get through this, I know brighter days are ahead and I do have hope that my future will be amazing. But, right now, in the depths of this dark ass trench, I just miss him and love him and wish desperately things were different.
Denial is a heartless bitch.
February 5, 2013
Dark Clouds
Most of the time, I stay pretty positive and confident in the choices I've made about my life since we split up. But, there are occasionally days where I just want to hop in a time machine and return to what my life use to be like. These days usually start because I had a bad dream about C and they just spiral down from there. I get so mad that he walked out, hurt that he stopped loving me and I just lose hope. A dark cloud follows me all day and I get so damn restless. Nothing cheers me up and it usually ends with me crying and wallowing in self pity.
It all just seems so impossible on my bad days. How will I ever meet a really great guy? Why wasn't C that guy and how did he stop being that great guy? Why does God's plan for me have to involve such pain? I believed in love and trusted C with every fiber of my being, how could I have been so damn wrong? How can I ever trust my feelings again? I just wish I could make C see the depth of pain he's caused and just how much damage he did to my heart. I question everything now and it really sucks to feel like you were living a lie.
Logically my mind knows that our marriage wasn't perfect and that C changed into an ass a long time ago. I know that I'm happier without him breathing down my neck and I know most days I do enjoy being single. It's fun to flirt and talk with guys, it's fun to imagine what my future will be like now. But this damn heart of mine just hasn't caught up with the logic yet. All my heart knows is that when I have a bad day, he isn't there to cushion the blows anymore. He's not sleeping beside me every night to comfort me after a bad dream. He's not here to hold me or kiss me or tell me that I'm beautiful. Sometimes, it's just so very lonely.
I know tomorrow will be a better day. I know that I'm feeling overwhelmed because our divorce will be finalized this month. I know that I'll be ok and that my hope will return. I know that I have less bad days now than I did a month ago and that I'll have even less a month from now. Again, I just wish I had that fast forward button I mentioned. I just want to know that my happy ending is waiting and that it won't take too long to get here!
It all just seems so impossible on my bad days. How will I ever meet a really great guy? Why wasn't C that guy and how did he stop being that great guy? Why does God's plan for me have to involve such pain? I believed in love and trusted C with every fiber of my being, how could I have been so damn wrong? How can I ever trust my feelings again? I just wish I could make C see the depth of pain he's caused and just how much damage he did to my heart. I question everything now and it really sucks to feel like you were living a lie.
Logically my mind knows that our marriage wasn't perfect and that C changed into an ass a long time ago. I know that I'm happier without him breathing down my neck and I know most days I do enjoy being single. It's fun to flirt and talk with guys, it's fun to imagine what my future will be like now. But this damn heart of mine just hasn't caught up with the logic yet. All my heart knows is that when I have a bad day, he isn't there to cushion the blows anymore. He's not sleeping beside me every night to comfort me after a bad dream. He's not here to hold me or kiss me or tell me that I'm beautiful. Sometimes, it's just so very lonely.
I know tomorrow will be a better day. I know that I'm feeling overwhelmed because our divorce will be finalized this month. I know that I'll be ok and that my hope will return. I know that I have less bad days now than I did a month ago and that I'll have even less a month from now. Again, I just wish I had that fast forward button I mentioned. I just want to know that my happy ending is waiting and that it won't take too long to get here!
January 28, 2013
30 is the new 20, right?
Yesterday I hit a milestone that I've been looking forward to for quite some time- my 30th birthday! Yep, I officially left behind my twenties and slid into my thirties, it only hurt a tiny bit. I had a big party Saturday and got appropriately trashed, it was wonderful. I didn't think I had a hangover but I did feel very blah all day. Guess that's the price you pay as you get older and try to drink like you're still a young thing in your twenties...ha!
I remember my 20th birthday, I was super depressed about it and just wanted to avoid it at all costs. I was so unhappy about leaving behind my teens and actually shed a few tears about it, can you say drama queen?! But here I am, ten years later, and while my life is definitely different, I wasn't sad about it. I was happy to celebrate 30, it feels like a new beginning for me, a fresh start. A chance to get everything right in my life and find happiness. I just know my thirties will be my best decade yet!
The only moment I had that sucked was late last night when I thought about how this was my first birthday as a single lady. I got a little wistful thinking about all the birthdays I celebrated with C and wondered what this birthday would have been like if we were still together. He always did so good on my birthday and made it special for me. I didn't even hear from him but guess that's not surprising, even if it did hurt my feelings. This is divorce and sometimes, that's just a struggle to accept.
I might not be where I thought I'd be at this age or have all the answers but I'm on my way and know this will be my best yet. I feel like my life is just beginning and I can't wait to see what adventures await me. Here's to my next 30 years!
I remember my 20th birthday, I was super depressed about it and just wanted to avoid it at all costs. I was so unhappy about leaving behind my teens and actually shed a few tears about it, can you say drama queen?! But here I am, ten years later, and while my life is definitely different, I wasn't sad about it. I was happy to celebrate 30, it feels like a new beginning for me, a fresh start. A chance to get everything right in my life and find happiness. I just know my thirties will be my best decade yet!
The only moment I had that sucked was late last night when I thought about how this was my first birthday as a single lady. I got a little wistful thinking about all the birthdays I celebrated with C and wondered what this birthday would have been like if we were still together. He always did so good on my birthday and made it special for me. I didn't even hear from him but guess that's not surprising, even if it did hurt my feelings. This is divorce and sometimes, that's just a struggle to accept.
I might not be where I thought I'd be at this age or have all the answers but I'm on my way and know this will be my best yet. I feel like my life is just beginning and I can't wait to see what adventures await me. Here's to my next 30 years!
January 20, 2013
Confusion
Getting on with life after divorce is a strange concept to me. It's impossible to just shut down all those feelings and I find it confusing how up and down I am most of the time. I am happier than I've been in a long time and often I am so glad to have C out of my life. We rarely have contact and I much prefer it that way, I need space to sort it all out. I was doing so good and was on such a high this past week. Then C called yesterday to announce he was in town and on his way over to return some of my stuff and pick up a couple of his things.
Seeing him after two months was like a punch to the gut. He looked damn cute and all I wanted to do was throw myself into his arms. Instead we fought and said horrible things before calming down and talking like adults. While he was here, I got a phone call that one of my uncles lost his battle with cancer. C never said a word about it and left today to go back. I just wanted to cry in his arms and it made me so sad that I couldn't. I'm so upset with myself for feeling this way and cried because I really wish I didn't love him anymore. I really don't wish to see him and it's a good thing he's moving to NY so I won't have to randomly bump into him around town.
My feelings are all jumbled up now. Grief over my uncle, which brings back memories of my Dad's death. Grief over my failed marriage, which makes me fear I'll suck at any future relationship. Anger that I still care about C and desperation that I'll never truly get over his stupid ass. I want to hate him and oh man, sometimes I do, but I also still love him and that hurts the most. I pray at night for God to take away my love for C but so far, it's not happening. Guess it doesn't quite work that way, unfortunately.
All this happened Saturday and it's ironic but I had such a great Friday. I had been text-flirting with KA all day and had made out with a cute guy at a bar that night. I was feeling so good about my life! Now I just feel sad, I know this will pass but getting to that other side is such a bitch. I really need a fast forward button, wouldn't that just be so much easier than processing feelings and having to feel all these damn emotions?
Any good thoughts and prayers are much appreciated right now. The next few days are going to be very hard for me and my family. Cancer is a bitch.
Seeing him after two months was like a punch to the gut. He looked damn cute and all I wanted to do was throw myself into his arms. Instead we fought and said horrible things before calming down and talking like adults. While he was here, I got a phone call that one of my uncles lost his battle with cancer. C never said a word about it and left today to go back. I just wanted to cry in his arms and it made me so sad that I couldn't. I'm so upset with myself for feeling this way and cried because I really wish I didn't love him anymore. I really don't wish to see him and it's a good thing he's moving to NY so I won't have to randomly bump into him around town.
My feelings are all jumbled up now. Grief over my uncle, which brings back memories of my Dad's death. Grief over my failed marriage, which makes me fear I'll suck at any future relationship. Anger that I still care about C and desperation that I'll never truly get over his stupid ass. I want to hate him and oh man, sometimes I do, but I also still love him and that hurts the most. I pray at night for God to take away my love for C but so far, it's not happening. Guess it doesn't quite work that way, unfortunately.
All this happened Saturday and it's ironic but I had such a great Friday. I had been text-flirting with KA all day and had made out with a cute guy at a bar that night. I was feeling so good about my life! Now I just feel sad, I know this will pass but getting to that other side is such a bitch. I really need a fast forward button, wouldn't that just be so much easier than processing feelings and having to feel all these damn emotions?
Any good thoughts and prayers are much appreciated right now. The next few days are going to be very hard for me and my family. Cancer is a bitch.
January 15, 2013
Let go
Letting go and accepting the end of my marriage has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders! I am smiling again, laughing, watching sappy movies and can listen to love songs without immediately thinking of C. I feel like me again and for the first time in 3 months, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am happy and it feels damn good.
I make sure to take care of myself and I have learned my limits and don't push them. I avoid the triggers and somehow manage my grief over my failed marriage. Sometimes the oddest thing will trigger something unexpectedly and I'll feel the sting and maybe shed a tear or two but it's happening less and less. I have surrounded myself with the most amazing and supportive people, they are a source of great comfort to me. I'm very blessed!
I joined two dating sites and so far it hasn't been great. The strangest guys contact me or just straight up ask if I'm interested in just sex with them. I'm not totally ready to date so I'm not too bummed about turning them down! But, I do have a crush! Let's call him KA, short for kool aid, because he has the biggest kool aid grin that will just make you melt. He's incredibly sweet and very funny. KA sends me the best texts and never fails to cheer me up. He doesn't live near me so dating isn't really an option but it's nice to have a crush that is so safe, KWIM? He's safe because I can crush from afar and not have to act on anything before I'm truly ready.
I haven't really dealt with C in a while, last time we talked we ended up fighting so we agreed it's best to not contact each other. He's trying to push the finalization to March rather than February and I'm fighting that. I just want this to be over and done so I can move on and not look back. I just can't truly move on until it's final, I need that divorce decree and I want to take my maiden name back asap. The divorce decree is necessary for my peace of mind but in my heart, I honestly don't feel married to him anymore.
I'm sorry C and I came to this end but I'm glad that this is just the beginning of something even greater for me.
I make sure to take care of myself and I have learned my limits and don't push them. I avoid the triggers and somehow manage my grief over my failed marriage. Sometimes the oddest thing will trigger something unexpectedly and I'll feel the sting and maybe shed a tear or two but it's happening less and less. I have surrounded myself with the most amazing and supportive people, they are a source of great comfort to me. I'm very blessed!
I joined two dating sites and so far it hasn't been great. The strangest guys contact me or just straight up ask if I'm interested in just sex with them. I'm not totally ready to date so I'm not too bummed about turning them down! But, I do have a crush! Let's call him KA, short for kool aid, because he has the biggest kool aid grin that will just make you melt. He's incredibly sweet and very funny. KA sends me the best texts and never fails to cheer me up. He doesn't live near me so dating isn't really an option but it's nice to have a crush that is so safe, KWIM? He's safe because I can crush from afar and not have to act on anything before I'm truly ready.
I haven't really dealt with C in a while, last time we talked we ended up fighting so we agreed it's best to not contact each other. He's trying to push the finalization to March rather than February and I'm fighting that. I just want this to be over and done so I can move on and not look back. I just can't truly move on until it's final, I need that divorce decree and I want to take my maiden name back asap. The divorce decree is necessary for my peace of mind but in my heart, I honestly don't feel married to him anymore.
I'm sorry C and I came to this end but I'm glad that this is just the beginning of something even greater for me.
January 6, 2013
New Beginnings
I was dreading NYE but it ended up being the best one I've ever had! We had a small party at my house with just my siblings and my favorite uncle and aunt, we listened to great music and drank our livers mad. We gave out bottles of brandy as wedding favors, my uncle still had his and brought it over. Him and me toasted to my divorce and preceded to get very drunk off it. It was a full circle moment for me. I even busted open C's prized bottle of Jack and drank straight from it...that felt amazing!
I've been dealing with the divorce with much more strength lately. I've accepted it and have taken the final steps toward finalization, which is so empowering! We finalize in February and I am really anxious to get it over with so I can truly move on. It's been a lot of work to separate our lives and I'm still doing so. Canceling various joint accounts, going through all our papers and returning his stuff to him....it's kinda therapeutic. There were still a few sweaters and jackets of his in my closet and a whole drawer full of this socks and stuff, so I boxed it all up and took it to my ILs. Now there is nothing in my room that is his, that is awesome! I took down pictures, went through our movies and cds and boxed up all wedding memorabilia. I want to get my wedding dress cleaned and either sale it or donate it. That makes me sad, I LOVED that damn dress.
I feel so at peace and very hopeful for my future. It's definitely an extremely different future than I imagined and that use to overwhelm me but I just take it day by day. I trust God and I know that there is something great ahead of me, I am excited to see what it is. I am excited at all the possibilities and how unlimited my future is, anything can happen! I'm living my life for me now and it's very liberating!
Want to know what spurred all this? I found out on NYE that Carlos had been cheating, complete with pictures of the 23 year old whore and him in various poses, hugging and kissing. I cried and cried and spent a couple of days absolutely miserable. Until yesterday, when I picked myself up and decided he isn't worth any more of my time. I refuse to be so upset about my marriage ending, it clearly is the best thing for me.
Onward and upward, my future awaits!
I've been dealing with the divorce with much more strength lately. I've accepted it and have taken the final steps toward finalization, which is so empowering! We finalize in February and I am really anxious to get it over with so I can truly move on. It's been a lot of work to separate our lives and I'm still doing so. Canceling various joint accounts, going through all our papers and returning his stuff to him....it's kinda therapeutic. There were still a few sweaters and jackets of his in my closet and a whole drawer full of this socks and stuff, so I boxed it all up and took it to my ILs. Now there is nothing in my room that is his, that is awesome! I took down pictures, went through our movies and cds and boxed up all wedding memorabilia. I want to get my wedding dress cleaned and either sale it or donate it. That makes me sad, I LOVED that damn dress.
I feel so at peace and very hopeful for my future. It's definitely an extremely different future than I imagined and that use to overwhelm me but I just take it day by day. I trust God and I know that there is something great ahead of me, I am excited to see what it is. I am excited at all the possibilities and how unlimited my future is, anything can happen! I'm living my life for me now and it's very liberating!
Want to know what spurred all this? I found out on NYE that Carlos had been cheating, complete with pictures of the 23 year old whore and him in various poses, hugging and kissing. I cried and cried and spent a couple of days absolutely miserable. Until yesterday, when I picked myself up and decided he isn't worth any more of my time. I refuse to be so upset about my marriage ending, it clearly is the best thing for me.
Onward and upward, my future awaits!
December 28, 2012
dating and all that jazz
My first Christmas without C was much harder than I thought it would be. I was fine Christmas Eve, had a blast with my family. But Christmas Day was just awful and I was so sad. I made myself not call or text him and that was so damn hard. I did send him an email just before midnight but all it said was Merry Christmas and that I was sending him my love. He, of course, didn't contact me so that should tell me everything, shouldn't it? I'm a damn fool and need to move on with my life. I've been going out a lot with friends and that has been fun. I met a guy about a month ago and he was very persistent about taking me on a date but in the end, I turned him down. He is only 24 and I just wasn't ready, I don't know, the age thing shouldn't be a factor but I felt like we were just too different.
So, no dating just yet. I'm torn on being ready or not and everyone in my life either thinks it's too soon or that I should immediately get laid. I think I'm content being by myself so I'm not actively trying to meet anyone but if I do, then that's fine. I did have drinks with friends recently and one of them brought their single guy friend who was cute. We flirted, which was nice, but nothing came of it. After being all worried about knowing how to flirt, I slipped right into it. Think it helps that I had a good buzz going! I ended up getting drunk and my guy BFF had to drive me home. Guy BFF is R and he's awesome, known him since we were little high school sophomores and he's been amazing and supportive. R knows how to make me feel wonderful and says all the right things, he's a bit of a man-whore but I adore him. We never dated or hooked up but I think there is definite potential for a friends with benefits thing later on.
Being single is a whole new world and sometimes, it really, really sucks but other times, I'm having so much fun! I like going out and getting drinks with friends without the thought of C in the back of my mind. It's nice to not constantly be worried about him or thinking about him. I'm free and as scary as that is, it's also kinda nice. My future is wide open and the possibilities are endless. Sometimes that can overwhelm me but there are times that the sadness lifts just enough for me to see clearly and that's when I feel the strongest. Like maybe I can do this, maybe I can let C go and move on with my life. Maybe I can accept the divorce. Maybe it is the right thing.
Or maybe I'm an idiot trying to talk myself into being ok with this mess. Time will tell.
So, no dating just yet. I'm torn on being ready or not and everyone in my life either thinks it's too soon or that I should immediately get laid. I think I'm content being by myself so I'm not actively trying to meet anyone but if I do, then that's fine. I did have drinks with friends recently and one of them brought their single guy friend who was cute. We flirted, which was nice, but nothing came of it. After being all worried about knowing how to flirt, I slipped right into it. Think it helps that I had a good buzz going! I ended up getting drunk and my guy BFF had to drive me home. Guy BFF is R and he's awesome, known him since we were little high school sophomores and he's been amazing and supportive. R knows how to make me feel wonderful and says all the right things, he's a bit of a man-whore but I adore him. We never dated or hooked up but I think there is definite potential for a friends with benefits thing later on.
Being single is a whole new world and sometimes, it really, really sucks but other times, I'm having so much fun! I like going out and getting drinks with friends without the thought of C in the back of my mind. It's nice to not constantly be worried about him or thinking about him. I'm free and as scary as that is, it's also kinda nice. My future is wide open and the possibilities are endless. Sometimes that can overwhelm me but there are times that the sadness lifts just enough for me to see clearly and that's when I feel the strongest. Like maybe I can do this, maybe I can let C go and move on with my life. Maybe I can accept the divorce. Maybe it is the right thing.
Or maybe I'm an idiot trying to talk myself into being ok with this mess. Time will tell.
December 20, 2012
Roller Coaster
My feelings are all over the place these days and like most complicated things, divorce is such an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I'm depressed and sometimes I hate his damn guts and enjoy being single. I spend a vast majority of my time being pissed at him. It swings back and forth between love and hate so easily that it confuses me. It leaves me in awe that I once loved this person with everything in me and now I just don't know how I feel. SATC said it best, "If you love someone and break up, where does the love go?" and I really wonder where it all went. Is it hiding? Did it disappear? Will it ever return? Do I want it to? So many emotions and so many feelings, it's exhausting.
Loneliness is my biggest problem though and it's what keeps me from my bed until I am sure I can fall right to sleep. I miss cuddling with someone and watching tv and making dinner together. I miss talking about our day and really I just miss sharing my life with someone, I miss my best friend. Our bed seems so huge now and sometimes memories of how it used to be make me so restless that I hop in my car and drive around. It's the damnedest feeling.
It's the oddest thing to be single again at 29. Not sure how to date and I can't remember what flirting is like or how to do it. Totally clueless about sex with someone other than C and honestly the thought terrifies me. I've never been with another man, C was my first. Out of everything that messes with my mind, the thing that hurts the most is the whole baby thing. C would be a great father but probably won't get the chance and now I have the chance. I can get pregnant and that really fucks with my mind.
It all messes with me and I hate it all. Damn him for walking away, damn him.
Loneliness is my biggest problem though and it's what keeps me from my bed until I am sure I can fall right to sleep. I miss cuddling with someone and watching tv and making dinner together. I miss talking about our day and really I just miss sharing my life with someone, I miss my best friend. Our bed seems so huge now and sometimes memories of how it used to be make me so restless that I hop in my car and drive around. It's the damnedest feeling.
It's the oddest thing to be single again at 29. Not sure how to date and I can't remember what flirting is like or how to do it. Totally clueless about sex with someone other than C and honestly the thought terrifies me. I've never been with another man, C was my first. Out of everything that messes with my mind, the thing that hurts the most is the whole baby thing. C would be a great father but probably won't get the chance and now I have the chance. I can get pregnant and that really fucks with my mind.
It all messes with me and I hate it all. Damn him for walking away, damn him.
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