My Dad's birthday was this week, he would have turned 58. I imagine we all would have gone out to eat and then gathered around him with a cake lit with bunches of candles. He'd tease the grandkids, my big brother and him would talk about work, and he'd bicker with my Mom over mundane things. It would be the same scene that played out over and over throughout the years. Funny how you don't realize how much the same ol' thing means to you until you don't have it anymore.
Instead, we all spent the day pulled into different directions. Acknowledging the day through group texts and a quick mention when we did happen to see each other. Only a couple of us made it to the cemetery, something I feel extremely guilty about now because I didn't make it out there. I was too swamped with work, playing catch up after a weekend spent at the hospital with my sick grandma. I was up late that night, after the house had long gone silent. I made my way outside to sit beneath the dark sky and just started talking to my Dad. Wished him a happy birthday, if he even celebrates it in Heaven. Told him how much I miss and love him, reminisced a little. I made my way back inside afterward and crept into bed next to a man whom my Dad never laid eyes on. It just struck me as so very odd. And incredibly sad.
Almost daily I remark to M how much I wish they could have met. How sad I am that he will never meet the man who is my hero. My Dad only exists to him through memories and pictures, which never really capture the true essence of a person. And really, how could they? How could they convey how truly funny, sarcastic, and strong a person was? A picture doesn't tell you the way they spoke with a Texas twang, or the goofy laugh he did when truly amused by something. It doesn't reveal the man who always had an answer, who could explain every heartache in a way that made sense, or who was always up for a good adventure. They fail to show him the greatest man I've ever known. The man who helped make me the woman I am. The woman M loves so much, the woman who fought tooth and nail to be this person he adores.
I so wish things were different. I wish he were here to see all the life that has happened since he's been gone. I wish I could talk to him, see him, hug him, laugh with him. I guess I'll always wish for more of him. People tell me that's just a part of living life with a deceased loved one. Always wishing for just one more day.
I gotta be honest, it's a real bitch.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
August 22, 2015
December 2, 2014
3 Years Since I Lost My Dad
Some days I am just overflowing with words, thoughts, and emotions, they just seem to pour out of me. But then there are those days where there are no words. Today is an incredibly odd mix of both- no words but plenty of thoughts and emotions.
Today is 3 years since my Dad died.
3 whole years without him. 3 whole years in which my entire life turned upside down. 3 whole years and a million tears. Missing him even more than I ever thought was possible and aching for just one more chance to see him, or talk to him, or hug him, or hear him say my name. Oh man, I'd give just about anything for just one more of everything.
I look for him in everyone and in everything. Cousins suddenly look like him or share a personality trait. A random but significant song on the radio is surely a message from him. A ladybug landing on me is obviously his way of showing his presence. I could go on and on with these anecdotes, I have hundreds. But what it really comes down to is my longing for more. I yearn to feel him just one more time so I'm constantly searching for him. And so shall it be for the rest of my life.
His death has changed everything. Time has changed nothing. It still hurts, I'm still sad, I still cry, I still miss him. It goes without saying that I still love my Dad, his death has altered how I can love him but it hasn't touched the depth.
Today is 3 years since my Dad died.
3 whole years without him. 3 whole years in which my entire life turned upside down. 3 whole years and a million tears. Missing him even more than I ever thought was possible and aching for just one more chance to see him, or talk to him, or hug him, or hear him say my name. Oh man, I'd give just about anything for just one more of everything.
I look for him in everyone and in everything. Cousins suddenly look like him or share a personality trait. A random but significant song on the radio is surely a message from him. A ladybug landing on me is obviously his way of showing his presence. I could go on and on with these anecdotes, I have hundreds. But what it really comes down to is my longing for more. I yearn to feel him just one more time so I'm constantly searching for him. And so shall it be for the rest of my life.
His death has changed everything. Time has changed nothing. It still hurts, I'm still sad, I still cry, I still miss him. It goes without saying that I still love my Dad, his death has altered how I can love him but it hasn't touched the depth.
August 14, 2014
Weaning off
A month-long silence, what can I say? Life has been busy. Our vacation to New Orleans and Panama City Beach was amazing and very fun. We had a blast together. We spent most nights sitting on the beach, drinking a beer, and staring up at countless stars. Neither of us wanted to leave and we already want to go back. The day we left, one of my BFFs texted with the news that her Dad was in his final stages of his cancer. We rushed back and pretty much went straight to the hospital. I left town, briefly, to attend a wedding and he passed while I was there. We immediately returned after the wedding and I spent the week with her. It was very hard, and still is very hard, to watch her go through what I went through. I've known D since we were twelve and thirteen, we are so much alike it's weird and our dads were very similar in personality too. It's just heartbreaking to be unable to stop her pain. But, I must say, her strength and grace is beautiful. She's a tough lady.
I'm also in the process of a major step in the weaning off of my anti-depressants and it's not very pretty. My moods are all over the place and it's annoying. I'm so cranky because I'm not sleeping well and my anxiety attacks have returned. But, I'm still determined to get off them, so I'm just trying to cope and adjust. Poor M is being such a trooper, especially since my bad moods are fun to witness. He takes it in stride though and doesn't hesitate to gently tell me I'm being a beast when it's really bad.
I've been on them for three years and when I think about just how bad my depression was before the anti-depressants, I panic a little about going off them. But I really think it's for the best. I'm in a much better place now and coping with everything well. I can't explain why I'm so adamant about this, something inside is just telling me it's time. When I made the decision to stop them, I had a long talk with M about it. I told him what I was like before them and how my depression affected me. I've told him what to watch for and he asks nightly about how I'm doing. The first sign I'm getting depressed or suicidal, I'm getting back on them. But, so far, I'm ok. No dark thoughts. It's a relief!
My Dad would have turned 57 this weekend. I miss him so very much. Cancer is a bitch.
I'm also in the process of a major step in the weaning off of my anti-depressants and it's not very pretty. My moods are all over the place and it's annoying. I'm so cranky because I'm not sleeping well and my anxiety attacks have returned. But, I'm still determined to get off them, so I'm just trying to cope and adjust. Poor M is being such a trooper, especially since my bad moods are fun to witness. He takes it in stride though and doesn't hesitate to gently tell me I'm being a beast when it's really bad.
I've been on them for three years and when I think about just how bad my depression was before the anti-depressants, I panic a little about going off them. But I really think it's for the best. I'm in a much better place now and coping with everything well. I can't explain why I'm so adamant about this, something inside is just telling me it's time. When I made the decision to stop them, I had a long talk with M about it. I told him what I was like before them and how my depression affected me. I've told him what to watch for and he asks nightly about how I'm doing. The first sign I'm getting depressed or suicidal, I'm getting back on them. But, so far, I'm ok. No dark thoughts. It's a relief!
My Dad would have turned 57 this weekend. I miss him so very much. Cancer is a bitch.
June 10, 2014
Dear Dad,
Father's Day is coming up and I'm dreading this year even more than previous years. I guess I thought it might get a little easier as more time went by but it's actually the opposite. And it's not exactly that it's getting worse, it's just that it's getting more challenging, I suppose. But I'm not even sure that's the right word either. It's like there is this huge gap between us now and the more time that passes between now and the last time you were alive just widens the gulf. That gulf is what makes it harder as more time passes. It just makes it so much more real that you are really gone. More real that the longer I live, the more I have to experience without you. I really have to live the rest of my life without you and that just doesn't make any sense to me. Not when I still need you so much.
It's weird to me that you are missing out on so much in our lives. Weird that there is now this man in my life who you will never meet. I often say to the Cowboy just how much I wish you two could meet. I wonder what you would think about him, if you would get along with him. It messes with me that you only exist to him in my memories and in the pictures I show him. And I do talk about you often to him, everyone actually does. He often tells me what other people say to him about you. What cousins, uncles, aunts and my siblings say. The little funny stories they share about you help make you more alive to him. He tells me he wishes he had met you too because you sound like such an amazing guy and I just shake my head sadly and tell him he doesn't know the half of it yet.
As much as I try to not think about the future, my over-thinking mind sometimes just can't help it. I think about getting married again and how sad it'll make me to not have you walk me down the aisle or dance with me. I get even more sad when I think about not being able to see your expression when I announce a pregnancy because I know how excited you got every time you found out another grandchild was on the way. I hate that I'll never see you hold my baby. That my baby will grow up with only your memories. I had a dream recently that I had just given birth and when they placed the baby on me, I started crying and whispered to him, "Your Grandpa loves you so much and will always be watching over you." And I know that I'll probably say that exact thing whenever the time does come.
I know that I'll go out to see you on Sunday and we'll talk about you all day, probably shed a few tears. We're BBQing because that was your favorite thing. You will simultaneously feel both more alive and more gone to us. I hate it all because it's just the emptiest feeling to visit a cemetery and talk to a slab of stone. I'm glad you're no longer in pain and I know you are watching over us but I miss you so much that miss doesn't even scratch the surface, I need a stronger word for miss. I need you.
It's weird to me that you are missing out on so much in our lives. Weird that there is now this man in my life who you will never meet. I often say to the Cowboy just how much I wish you two could meet. I wonder what you would think about him, if you would get along with him. It messes with me that you only exist to him in my memories and in the pictures I show him. And I do talk about you often to him, everyone actually does. He often tells me what other people say to him about you. What cousins, uncles, aunts and my siblings say. The little funny stories they share about you help make you more alive to him. He tells me he wishes he had met you too because you sound like such an amazing guy and I just shake my head sadly and tell him he doesn't know the half of it yet.
As much as I try to not think about the future, my over-thinking mind sometimes just can't help it. I think about getting married again and how sad it'll make me to not have you walk me down the aisle or dance with me. I get even more sad when I think about not being able to see your expression when I announce a pregnancy because I know how excited you got every time you found out another grandchild was on the way. I hate that I'll never see you hold my baby. That my baby will grow up with only your memories. I had a dream recently that I had just given birth and when they placed the baby on me, I started crying and whispered to him, "Your Grandpa loves you so much and will always be watching over you." And I know that I'll probably say that exact thing whenever the time does come.
I know that I'll go out to see you on Sunday and we'll talk about you all day, probably shed a few tears. We're BBQing because that was your favorite thing. You will simultaneously feel both more alive and more gone to us. I hate it all because it's just the emptiest feeling to visit a cemetery and talk to a slab of stone. I'm glad you're no longer in pain and I know you are watching over us but I miss you so much that miss doesn't even scratch the surface, I need a stronger word for miss. I need you.
December 1, 2013
Dear Dad
When the clock struck midnight and I watched the date flip to December, my stomach just dropped. It doesn't seem possible that it's been two whole years since you died. My mind literally has the hardest time wrapping itself around that fact. I guess it's how I cope, staying just a tad in denial, maybe because accepting it fully and completely would be so absolute. And it's an absolution that I just can't face yet and I'm not sure I really ever will. I mean, logically, I know you're gone but oh man my heart just doesn't want to believe it.
Since you left us, this time of year is always so bittersweet for us. Once that calender flips to October and the days start passing, the grief we always carry just gets heavier every day. Until we eventually land on December 2nd and it just topples us over. The day we all despise because it's the day our hearts lost a piece that we can never replace. Not that we want to but we know we have to go on and so we're learning how to live without you. So many people told me when you died that time heals all wounds. They're wrong though, that is a load of bullshit. All time does is continue and it carries you with it, no matter how much you resist. Time shows you how to learn the new normal that is your life now. Time teaches you how to make peace with the fact that you have a dead parent. You learn how to live with that hole left behind. And losing you left behind a hole the size of the Grand Canyon.
I miss you so much and to such a depth, that I no longer remember what it's like to not miss you. I miss hearing your laugh and seeing you smile. I miss saying "Dad" and you responding to it. I miss listening to you and Mom bicker. I so desperately wish that you were still here. Because the wishing goes hand in hand with the missing, of course. I wish you could play with the grandchildren, they're getting so big. I wish you could give me advice about everything. I wish you could see this house. I wish you could see T get married in two weeks. I wish you were here to hold Mom's hand because she so badly needs that. I just wish I could wrap my arms around you and hear you say, "Amanda".
I've had a really hard time since you left. I haven't always handled it in the most graceful way either. But I hope you are proud of me and how far I have come. I hope you think I'm making the right decisions. I hope I'm honoring you in a way that makes you shake your head as a slow grin stretches across your face. I hope you know just how much I love you and I hope you aren't missing us too badly.
Two years, Dad, two whole fucking years. I'd give anything to have you back because sometimes a girl just really needs her daddy.
Since you left us, this time of year is always so bittersweet for us. Once that calender flips to October and the days start passing, the grief we always carry just gets heavier every day. Until we eventually land on December 2nd and it just topples us over. The day we all despise because it's the day our hearts lost a piece that we can never replace. Not that we want to but we know we have to go on and so we're learning how to live without you. So many people told me when you died that time heals all wounds. They're wrong though, that is a load of bullshit. All time does is continue and it carries you with it, no matter how much you resist. Time shows you how to learn the new normal that is your life now. Time teaches you how to make peace with the fact that you have a dead parent. You learn how to live with that hole left behind. And losing you left behind a hole the size of the Grand Canyon.
I miss you so much and to such a depth, that I no longer remember what it's like to not miss you. I miss hearing your laugh and seeing you smile. I miss saying "Dad" and you responding to it. I miss listening to you and Mom bicker. I so desperately wish that you were still here. Because the wishing goes hand in hand with the missing, of course. I wish you could play with the grandchildren, they're getting so big. I wish you could give me advice about everything. I wish you could see this house. I wish you could see T get married in two weeks. I wish you were here to hold Mom's hand because she so badly needs that. I just wish I could wrap my arms around you and hear you say, "Amanda".
I've had a really hard time since you left. I haven't always handled it in the most graceful way either. But I hope you are proud of me and how far I have come. I hope you think I'm making the right decisions. I hope I'm honoring you in a way that makes you shake your head as a slow grin stretches across your face. I hope you know just how much I love you and I hope you aren't missing us too badly.
Two years, Dad, two whole fucking years. I'd give anything to have you back because sometimes a girl just really needs her daddy.
January 20, 2013
Confusion
Getting on with life after divorce is a strange concept to me. It's impossible to just shut down all those feelings and I find it confusing how up and down I am most of the time. I am happier than I've been in a long time and often I am so glad to have C out of my life. We rarely have contact and I much prefer it that way, I need space to sort it all out. I was doing so good and was on such a high this past week. Then C called yesterday to announce he was in town and on his way over to return some of my stuff and pick up a couple of his things.
Seeing him after two months was like a punch to the gut. He looked damn cute and all I wanted to do was throw myself into his arms. Instead we fought and said horrible things before calming down and talking like adults. While he was here, I got a phone call that one of my uncles lost his battle with cancer. C never said a word about it and left today to go back. I just wanted to cry in his arms and it made me so sad that I couldn't. I'm so upset with myself for feeling this way and cried because I really wish I didn't love him anymore. I really don't wish to see him and it's a good thing he's moving to NY so I won't have to randomly bump into him around town.
My feelings are all jumbled up now. Grief over my uncle, which brings back memories of my Dad's death. Grief over my failed marriage, which makes me fear I'll suck at any future relationship. Anger that I still care about C and desperation that I'll never truly get over his stupid ass. I want to hate him and oh man, sometimes I do, but I also still love him and that hurts the most. I pray at night for God to take away my love for C but so far, it's not happening. Guess it doesn't quite work that way, unfortunately.
All this happened Saturday and it's ironic but I had such a great Friday. I had been text-flirting with KA all day and had made out with a cute guy at a bar that night. I was feeling so good about my life! Now I just feel sad, I know this will pass but getting to that other side is such a bitch. I really need a fast forward button, wouldn't that just be so much easier than processing feelings and having to feel all these damn emotions?
Any good thoughts and prayers are much appreciated right now. The next few days are going to be very hard for me and my family. Cancer is a bitch.
Seeing him after two months was like a punch to the gut. He looked damn cute and all I wanted to do was throw myself into his arms. Instead we fought and said horrible things before calming down and talking like adults. While he was here, I got a phone call that one of my uncles lost his battle with cancer. C never said a word about it and left today to go back. I just wanted to cry in his arms and it made me so sad that I couldn't. I'm so upset with myself for feeling this way and cried because I really wish I didn't love him anymore. I really don't wish to see him and it's a good thing he's moving to NY so I won't have to randomly bump into him around town.
My feelings are all jumbled up now. Grief over my uncle, which brings back memories of my Dad's death. Grief over my failed marriage, which makes me fear I'll suck at any future relationship. Anger that I still care about C and desperation that I'll never truly get over his stupid ass. I want to hate him and oh man, sometimes I do, but I also still love him and that hurts the most. I pray at night for God to take away my love for C but so far, it's not happening. Guess it doesn't quite work that way, unfortunately.
All this happened Saturday and it's ironic but I had such a great Friday. I had been text-flirting with KA all day and had made out with a cute guy at a bar that night. I was feeling so good about my life! Now I just feel sad, I know this will pass but getting to that other side is such a bitch. I really need a fast forward button, wouldn't that just be so much easier than processing feelings and having to feel all these damn emotions?
Any good thoughts and prayers are much appreciated right now. The next few days are going to be very hard for me and my family. Cancer is a bitch.
March 19, 2012
Coping
It's been 15 weeks now. The knowledge that time is passing by without him is simultaneously awful and relieving. It's also unbelievable. It's also a lot of other things but mainly it just sucks. Don't I have such a way with words? My therapist is pretty awesome, he has a very soothing voice and reminds me so much of Ernie Hudson. Seeing him again this week.
Things helping me cope:
* Net.flix instant streaming, guys I'm going to watch Justin Bieber tonight...new low?
* Ordering Sweet Valley High books from Amazon and rereading them...bc I am clearly a teen girl stuck in the early 90's
* old school country music bc my Dad loved it and it's perfect for when you are depressed and want to shoot people
* Disney movies and sappy chick flicks- Beaches and Steel Magnolia anyone?
* magazines, you should see the stacks around the house, my recycling person must think I'm a hoarder
* Pin.terest, bc pinning cute baby stuff is SO healthy and also? the recipes look amazing! So does the dream house I am pinning together complete with a slide from the upstairs to the downstairs!
* this book, which has made such a mark on me. It is now my absolute favorite book of all time. Read it and love it.
I've decided not to mention my addiction to Amazon bc I fear C will see this and take away my Amazon rewards card. But who could resist this or this or especially this.
I miss him more and more and just want him back. How can it already be Spring? The leaves were yellow and orange when he was dying and then completely gone when he did. How are they back already? Don't they know I'd rather be stuck in Fall?
Things helping me cope:
* Net.flix instant streaming, guys I'm going to watch Justin Bieber tonight...new low?
* Ordering Sweet Valley High books from Amazon and rereading them...bc I am clearly a teen girl stuck in the early 90's
* old school country music bc my Dad loved it and it's perfect for when you are depressed and want to shoot people
* Disney movies and sappy chick flicks- Beaches and Steel Magnolia anyone?
* magazines, you should see the stacks around the house, my recycling person must think I'm a hoarder
* Pin.terest, bc pinning cute baby stuff is SO healthy and also? the recipes look amazing! So does the dream house I am pinning together complete with a slide from the upstairs to the downstairs!
* this book, which has made such a mark on me. It is now my absolute favorite book of all time. Read it and love it.
I've decided not to mention my addiction to Amazon bc I fear C will see this and take away my Amazon rewards card. But who could resist this or this or especially this.
I miss him more and more and just want him back. How can it already be Spring? The leaves were yellow and orange when he was dying and then completely gone when he did. How are they back already? Don't they know I'd rather be stuck in Fall?
December 28, 2011
stages of grief
It took three weeks to hit me that he's really gone. Up until then, I'd see his picture and my stomach would clench and the first thought in my mind would be that it's impossible, there's no way he's really gone. I kept asking C why it didn't seem real to me. I mean, he died in front of my eyes, I saw him in his coffin and watched him be buried...but it still hadn't sunk in. I finally realized I was in denial and when I woke up Friday, exactly three weeks later, it hit me. I've been a zombie since, crying a lot more and very withdrawn from the world. I keep my phone on silence, ignore texts, avoid FB and twitter and don't really leave my house. I'm a hermit that cries at the oddest moments and I never can predict what will set me off.
I saw my primary care doctor last week and he prescribed me Am.bien and told me what I'm going through is totally normal so he left my dosage of anti-depressants alone. I had high hopes for the Am.bien but it doesn't seem to be working, I still can't sleep and have horrible nightmares when I finally do. Accepting this shit isn't doing me any better than the denial was. But at least I know I'm grieving "normally", I even googled it just to be sure. C keeps reassuring me that I am normal too, man do I love that man. He's strong for me so that I don't have to be and doesn't bat an eye that the house is a mess and I don't cook anymore (I'd kick his ass if he did, btw)
We went home for Christmas and it wasn't as bad as I feared it would be, although it was very close. I mainly stayed with my family and never did the gift exchange with my ILs, couldn't bear it. Christmas morning one of my aunts on my Mom's side had a stroke so that just added to the general shitfest that 2011 has been. Can't wait to get this year behind me for good. Her prognosis is still very touchy, I pray and pray she recovers. Can't lose her and can't bear another death.
I miss my Dad so much it hurts to breathe. I feel his absence is every damn moment but I also feel his love and that my friends, gets me through this. One day at a time, one awful hour to the next.
[thank you with all my heart for the thoughts and prayers throughout this whole ordeal and for reading along, means the world to me]
I saw my primary care doctor last week and he prescribed me Am.bien and told me what I'm going through is totally normal so he left my dosage of anti-depressants alone. I had high hopes for the Am.bien but it doesn't seem to be working, I still can't sleep and have horrible nightmares when I finally do. Accepting this shit isn't doing me any better than the denial was. But at least I know I'm grieving "normally", I even googled it just to be sure. C keeps reassuring me that I am normal too, man do I love that man. He's strong for me so that I don't have to be and doesn't bat an eye that the house is a mess and I don't cook anymore (I'd kick his ass if he did, btw)
We went home for Christmas and it wasn't as bad as I feared it would be, although it was very close. I mainly stayed with my family and never did the gift exchange with my ILs, couldn't bear it. Christmas morning one of my aunts on my Mom's side had a stroke so that just added to the general shitfest that 2011 has been. Can't wait to get this year behind me for good. Her prognosis is still very touchy, I pray and pray she recovers. Can't lose her and can't bear another death.
I miss my Dad so much it hurts to breathe. I feel his absence is every damn moment but I also feel his love and that my friends, gets me through this. One day at a time, one awful hour to the next.
[thank you with all my heart for the thoughts and prayers throughout this whole ordeal and for reading along, means the world to me]
December 20, 2011
a blue christmas
I want this all to be a bad dream. I want to sleep until January 1st. I want to run screaming to a tropical beach and get very, very drunk. I know none of this is possible so instead I shop for presents, wrap them, listen to Christmas music and send out a couple of cards to good friends. My heart just isn't into it this year, barely decorated a little 3 foot tree we bought instead of dragging our big one out. Heading back home soon to get the hardest Christmas ever over.
I clearly underestimated grieving. It's kicking my ass and leaving me whimpering on the floor in the fetal position. My house is a disaster, the laundry piled high and I've lost 12lbs because I just forget to eat or have no appetite. I wouldn't remember to shower but I hate having greasy hair and unshaved legs so I manage that at least. Needless to say, I'm taking this pretty hard.
I feel irrevocably changed, like a piece of me is forever gone. The one thought that keeps popping up is that I feel untethered, like I am only half stuck to this place. My Dad's gone so his string broke but my Mom's keeps me attached, I'm half untethered. It's a disconcerting feeling, a lost feeling. Some days I don't cry a single drop and he doesn't occupy my every thought but some days, I sob and sob and replay memories in my head over and over. It's funny but I'll forget and briefly freak out that I haven't bought him a Christmas present yet or called to check on him that day, I find myself talking about him and making plans for him like he's still here. Then, like a jolt, I remember and oh that sinking feeling sucks ass.
I never imagined losing a parent could fundamentally change a person. But it has, I know in my heart that I will never be the same. Yes, life will go on and I will eventually stop the hardcore grieving but it will always be different now, I will always be different now. I will always mourn him, miss him, long to see him just one more time. I will learn to live with this but I will never be who I was. Eventually the nightmares will stop and I won't be scared of driving or large crowds (all irrational, I know), it'll get easier.
I both look forward to that day and dread it. Just like I dread turning 55 and outliving him and I dread the day he's been gone 29 years- longer than I had him here as my Dad. But I also look forward to it, to taking him with me on my journey, knowing he's guiding me and praying for me. He's safe, happy and healthy again, I love that. I just hate it for me.
I clearly underestimated grieving. It's kicking my ass and leaving me whimpering on the floor in the fetal position. My house is a disaster, the laundry piled high and I've lost 12lbs because I just forget to eat or have no appetite. I wouldn't remember to shower but I hate having greasy hair and unshaved legs so I manage that at least. Needless to say, I'm taking this pretty hard.
I feel irrevocably changed, like a piece of me is forever gone. The one thought that keeps popping up is that I feel untethered, like I am only half stuck to this place. My Dad's gone so his string broke but my Mom's keeps me attached, I'm half untethered. It's a disconcerting feeling, a lost feeling. Some days I don't cry a single drop and he doesn't occupy my every thought but some days, I sob and sob and replay memories in my head over and over. It's funny but I'll forget and briefly freak out that I haven't bought him a Christmas present yet or called to check on him that day, I find myself talking about him and making plans for him like he's still here. Then, like a jolt, I remember and oh that sinking feeling sucks ass.
I never imagined losing a parent could fundamentally change a person. But it has, I know in my heart that I will never be the same. Yes, life will go on and I will eventually stop the hardcore grieving but it will always be different now, I will always be different now. I will always mourn him, miss him, long to see him just one more time. I will learn to live with this but I will never be who I was. Eventually the nightmares will stop and I won't be scared of driving or large crowds (all irrational, I know), it'll get easier.
I both look forward to that day and dread it. Just like I dread turning 55 and outliving him and I dread the day he's been gone 29 years- longer than I had him here as my Dad. But I also look forward to it, to taking him with me on my journey, knowing he's guiding me and praying for me. He's safe, happy and healthy again, I love that. I just hate it for me.
December 12, 2011
the aftermath
He passed away December 2, 2011 at 2:30am. He'd been comatose that whole week, looking back, I see how I ignored the clues that Thursday was probably going to be his last day, I just couldn't believe it. I administered his pain meds at 1:30am and was in the living room watching tv when my big brother came and got me bc our Dad's breathing had changed. My Mom, little brother and I were in the room with him, chatting when I looked over and noticed he'd stopped breathing. I jumped up, got my other brother and sister and we surrounded the bed, touching him and calling out I love you, when he quietly took his last breath and was gone. It was the most surreal moment of my life. How honored I am to have been there when that wonderful man left this world.
The day he died and the following days planning and attending the funeral are just a blur to me. Almost like a horrible dream that I floated through. C got me through it all, he really is incredible. I have only had a couple of absolute breakdown-sobbing uncontrollably moments. The first wasn't when he died but when the funeral home took him out on a stretcher. My mind was screaming, "Please don't take him! Leave him with us!" and I was so upset that never again would we see him in the house, this was it. I just sobbed in C's arms until I sent him to walk my Dad out and watch him leave.
C, my SIL and I planned the best funeral for him. Country music played during the visitation, there was a slide show of pictures before the Rosary started and we played his two favorite songs at the cemetery. Pictures were everywhere at the funeral home, his cowboy hat perched on the edge of the coffin, his canes standing nearby, baseballs from my brother and two nephews in the coffin, along with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in his pocket. It was perfect and the best way to send him off. I know he loved it. It was truly my honor and privilege to help care for him. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, although I'd wish I wouldn't have to, because watching a loved one waste away and die from cancer is hell on earth.
C and I are back in AR now, going home for Christmas and bringing my Mom back to stay for a while. I didn't know grieving for him would be like this. Empty, lonely and just crushing to my soul. I can't handle crowds, stores or driving. No appetite, so I've lost ten pounds, which I ironically laugh at bc I've been dieting for so long to no avail. Anyway, ever been in a room that is suddenly plunged into darkness? And you fumble around looking for light, so disoriented, with your arms stretched out searching for something, anything to help but there's nothing. Yeah, that is what it feels like when you lose a parent. I feel half untethered and lost. My precious Dad is gone and while I am so happy he's now pain free and in Heaven with our Lord, I am so sad for me, my Mom, my siblings, my nephews and nieces.
Happy for him, sad for me...because I just miss him so fucking much. Devastated because the missing him only grows daily and will for the rest of my life.
The day he died and the following days planning and attending the funeral are just a blur to me. Almost like a horrible dream that I floated through. C got me through it all, he really is incredible. I have only had a couple of absolute breakdown-sobbing uncontrollably moments. The first wasn't when he died but when the funeral home took him out on a stretcher. My mind was screaming, "Please don't take him! Leave him with us!" and I was so upset that never again would we see him in the house, this was it. I just sobbed in C's arms until I sent him to walk my Dad out and watch him leave.
C, my SIL and I planned the best funeral for him. Country music played during the visitation, there was a slide show of pictures before the Rosary started and we played his two favorite songs at the cemetery. Pictures were everywhere at the funeral home, his cowboy hat perched on the edge of the coffin, his canes standing nearby, baseballs from my brother and two nephews in the coffin, along with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in his pocket. It was perfect and the best way to send him off. I know he loved it. It was truly my honor and privilege to help care for him. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, although I'd wish I wouldn't have to, because watching a loved one waste away and die from cancer is hell on earth.
C and I are back in AR now, going home for Christmas and bringing my Mom back to stay for a while. I didn't know grieving for him would be like this. Empty, lonely and just crushing to my soul. I can't handle crowds, stores or driving. No appetite, so I've lost ten pounds, which I ironically laugh at bc I've been dieting for so long to no avail. Anyway, ever been in a room that is suddenly plunged into darkness? And you fumble around looking for light, so disoriented, with your arms stretched out searching for something, anything to help but there's nothing. Yeah, that is what it feels like when you lose a parent. I feel half untethered and lost. My precious Dad is gone and while I am so happy he's now pain free and in Heaven with our Lord, I am so sad for me, my Mom, my siblings, my nephews and nieces.
Happy for him, sad for me...because I just miss him so fucking much. Devastated because the missing him only grows daily and will for the rest of my life.
November 3, 2011
dying isn't pretty
Dear Dad,
Ten days have passed since they told us your prognosis, cold hard words that felt like a punch to my gut. At first it seemed like you were going to pass soon but then you rallied and had an awesome few days. But, the last couple of days have been harder and you are weaker, eating less and you don't talk anymore. You sit quietly and watch tv or stare at us or off into the distance. Mainly, you enjoy to sit outside and take it all in. You told me that you like to watch the butterflies and the wind in the trees. You also really enjoy looking at the moon. It makes me sad to watch you stare off like this. I wonder what you are thinking and feeling, are you scared? Do you realize what is happening as you slow down more and more?
I read online the stages of death and you show some of them but not the ones you should be showing. It's like your body is ready but you aren't. Which is typical of you, you always do things in your own way and in your own time. I feel like I have so much to say to you but just can't find the words. I tried to tell you and ended up bawling my eyes out. You hugged me, rubbed my back and told me that it's ok, you're not going anywhere for a long time. You comforted me as I told you that I was scared and going to miss you so much. I had to come back inside the house because I didn't want to upset you. I keep telling you that I love you and hearing you respond is music to my ears.
We're all here, all twelve of us, well, C comes and goes because he's working in AR but for the most part, we're here. Soaking you up and taking lots of pictures. We forget sometimes what is really going on but then we remember and it's hard. We have to help you walk and I know that makes you sad but we really don't mind. We all scramble to help you, to fetch your favorite foods or surprise you with gifts. Anything to make you smile because you rarely do so these days. It's odd to look at you and know you are dying, that death is so close to you, to us. I can't seem to wrap my mind around it, I literally can't picture a future without you in it. You have always been a very proud man and so full of life. To see it ending like this for you, pisses me off. Dying from cancer is ugly, you can't really eat because the tumors in your stomach are pushing against everything so you are only 119lbs. You wear diapers now and take a lot of pain medicine. This isn't how it should be. I am so sorry, Dad. I am so sorry.
I have so many questions and concerns these days about you. But the main ones are: Do you know how much I will miss you? Do you know just how wonderful you have been to us? You are the greatest man I have ever known and I love you more than you can ever know.
love,
your favorite daughter (don't worry, I won't rub that in too much with T)
Ten days have passed since they told us your prognosis, cold hard words that felt like a punch to my gut. At first it seemed like you were going to pass soon but then you rallied and had an awesome few days. But, the last couple of days have been harder and you are weaker, eating less and you don't talk anymore. You sit quietly and watch tv or stare at us or off into the distance. Mainly, you enjoy to sit outside and take it all in. You told me that you like to watch the butterflies and the wind in the trees. You also really enjoy looking at the moon. It makes me sad to watch you stare off like this. I wonder what you are thinking and feeling, are you scared? Do you realize what is happening as you slow down more and more?
I read online the stages of death and you show some of them but not the ones you should be showing. It's like your body is ready but you aren't. Which is typical of you, you always do things in your own way and in your own time. I feel like I have so much to say to you but just can't find the words. I tried to tell you and ended up bawling my eyes out. You hugged me, rubbed my back and told me that it's ok, you're not going anywhere for a long time. You comforted me as I told you that I was scared and going to miss you so much. I had to come back inside the house because I didn't want to upset you. I keep telling you that I love you and hearing you respond is music to my ears.
We're all here, all twelve of us, well, C comes and goes because he's working in AR but for the most part, we're here. Soaking you up and taking lots of pictures. We forget sometimes what is really going on but then we remember and it's hard. We have to help you walk and I know that makes you sad but we really don't mind. We all scramble to help you, to fetch your favorite foods or surprise you with gifts. Anything to make you smile because you rarely do so these days. It's odd to look at you and know you are dying, that death is so close to you, to us. I can't seem to wrap my mind around it, I literally can't picture a future without you in it. You have always been a very proud man and so full of life. To see it ending like this for you, pisses me off. Dying from cancer is ugly, you can't really eat because the tumors in your stomach are pushing against everything so you are only 119lbs. You wear diapers now and take a lot of pain medicine. This isn't how it should be. I am so sorry, Dad. I am so sorry.
I have so many questions and concerns these days about you. But the main ones are: Do you know how much I will miss you? Do you know just how wonderful you have been to us? You are the greatest man I have ever known and I love you more than you can ever know.
love,
your favorite daughter (don't worry, I won't rub that in too much with T)
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