Cutting people out

It's been an interesting summer so far. We are settled into our new place and spending a lot of time with family, which is so nice. We really enjoy our new town, which is small and quaint. It reminds me so much of the small central Arkansas town I lived in. Which is nice for my homesickness! I do randomly get struck with pangs of longing for Arkansas, but they pass because I am extremely happy to be back home. I miss my best friend something fierce but I have a visit planned for later this month, I am so excited to see her!

Father's day was rough. Really rough. I was in a bad mood the whole week leading up to it and couldn't figure out why until that Friday. I was picking fights on FB like crazy, taking all my anger out in the comments of posts about guns, LBGT rights, and Drumpf. It was great fun to troll crazies but it also led to me deleting 12 family and friends, which made me really sad. It still is making me sad that I had so many people in my life who support Drumpf and refuse to see logic about anything going on in the world today. Stupidity makes my heart hurt.

The one person who is upsetting me the most is a friend I've known since high school. He's truly not a good person but I guess I stayed friends with him for nostalgia. Our friendship cooled while I was married because he was messy but we picked it back up after my divorce. Where he continued to cross lines and be disrespectful. He finally crossed my last line, which is surprising because I usually forgive everything and let it go.

But I don't want to be that way anymore. I have to have boundaries, otherwise people walk all over me and take advantage. They just assume I'll let it go eventually. But I've come to realize that shitty people aren't worth keeping in my life. They just stress me out and cause problems. So, I've cut a lot of people out. It's such a weird feeling but I know it's necessary, for my own health and sanity.

But it still sucks. 

Yet more bittersweetness

Later today I'll slip into a cute dress I recently bought and make the drive into Houston. I'll walk into that crowded stadium and make my way to a section filled with my family. And when they call my teenage nephew's name, I'm sure I'll be screaming my head off, while fighting back buckets of tears. He turned 18 last week, which was difficult on it's own, for him to be graduating this week is just totally overwhelming.

I was 15 when my brother placed a tiny bundle into my arms. As I stared at his sweet face, I fell deeply, hopelessly in love. A love that amazes me still, all these years later. Being an aunt is my favorite thing and his birth gave me that title. He'll always be special.  How I wish I could pause time and just soak it all up. Or maybe even go back in time, to the kid he was. Hug him more, take him to the toy store and let him pick anything out. Stuff him with candy and ice cream and pizza. Chase him around a park again. Apologize for anytime I scolded him, or said no to him, or didn't follow through with something I promised. I want a do over with my nephew!

I'm proud of him, insanely so. Nothing will change that and I'm excited to see where life takes him. I'm excited to watch him soar and make his place in the world. It's just bittersweet. And I'm sappy.

But, seeing how it's Friday, I thought he'd be the only thing on my gratitude list this week.

A, I am so grateful to be even a small part of the village that raised you. You are fantastic and I adore you. I'll always be here to cheer you on, without fail.

Gratitude

Even though I am a day late, I definitely want to take the time and remind myself of all that I am thankful for. My life is far from perfect but I am so lucky to have this life and I don't want to take for granted anything.

This week I am thankful for:

* M's new job, he is SO much happier now
* long lunches with awesome friends
* Summer days spent with my nephews and nieces
* movie nights spent cuddled in bed with a great guy
* evening swims, it's too hot during the day to even swim!
* sales picking up with my Etsy shop, it was a slow Summer


The best part of this Summer was my sister and BIL announcing they are expecting! My youngest niece is six and we are long overdue for a baby in the family again. Needless to say, we are all excited! My feelings about it have been way better than I expected, I honestly wasn't sure how I would handle it. But, I'm truly happy and rarely get a twinge of sadness/longing. She's due in February and I am very much looking forward to baby cuddles!

National Infertility Awareness Week

As a woman who spent years entrenched in the IF world, I knew once the calendar rolled on to April that NIAW would soon be upon us. I tried collecting my thoughts on it but they were so scrambled that it was hard to round them all up and organize them into a coherent thought. So, my FB has stayed uncharacteristically silent thus far. Although I did send out a supportive tweet and I will post across FB and IG before the week ends.

But, here it is, IF is a damn hard road to travel. I had the support of an awesome online forum and made some amazing friends, who I still keep in touch with. Their kids' pictures light up my FB and make me SO incredibly happy. Seriously, I celebrate their children so much because I remember how much their mommas cried, yelled, raged, hoped and prayed. Those women made the dark days lighter. They posted and messaged when my Dad died and when my marriage ended. They've been such a blessing.

I started this blog before the MFI dx but after my PCOS dx. The support I received from the blogging world was incredible. You all championed my successes and consoled me during the failures. The love and support when my Dad died and when I announced my divorce was really heartwarming. And a wonderful balm to my aching heart. The IF blogging world is a fantastic support.

My point is, even though IF is a long, lonely road, you are not alone. Unfortunately there are others out there but the good thing about that sad fact is that you can find shoulders to lean on. And that makes a world of difference. Lean on people and seek support, find solace in the storm. The IF community will help guide you through.

3 Years Since I Lost My Dad

Some days I am just overflowing with words, thoughts, and emotions, they just seem to pour out of me. But then there are those days where there are no words. Today is an incredibly odd mix of both- no words but plenty of thoughts and emotions.

Today is 3 years since my Dad died.

3 whole years without him. 3 whole years in which my entire life turned upside down. 3 whole years and a million tears. Missing him even more than I ever thought was possible and aching for just one more chance to see him, or talk to him, or hug him, or hear him say my name. Oh man, I'd give just about anything for just one more of everything.

I look for him in everyone and in everything. Cousins suddenly look like him or share a personality trait. A random but significant song on the radio is surely a message from him. A ladybug landing on me is obviously his way of showing his presence. I could go on and on with these anecdotes, I have hundreds. But what it really comes down to is my longing for more. I yearn to feel him just one more time so I'm constantly searching for him. And so shall it be for the rest of my life.

His death has changed everything. Time has changed nothing. It still hurts, I'm still sad, I still cry, I still miss him. It goes without saying that I still love my Dad, his death has altered how I can love him but it hasn't touched the depth.

Adjusting

It's been quite an adjustment getting used to all the changes in my life. Sometimes it's just too overwhelming and I have to sneak off in order to maintain my sanity. Going from just us two in our house to six people has been difficult, especially for my poor dogs. While our AR house was often too quiet, this house is often too loud. There is always someone here and there is always someone that needs something. The tv usually is tuned into Sprout or Disney or some other type of cartoon and food doesn't last as long around here as it does with just two people.

Houston is also so big in comparison to my small AR town, which, duh, but I didn't think it would be too much of an adjustment since I grew up here. I was wrong! People here are rude and it takes forever to drive anywhere. I can't remember how to get anywhere and my family gets frustrated with me about that. I'm also a tad scared to drive on these huge highways! And don't get me started on the heat and humidity, today it is 90*, which isn't too bad but it only gets into the 70's at night so it doesn't seem to ever really cool down.

I miss C a lot and at least once a day, I regret this. There are so many things that I wish he was here for, things I wish he could do with me or for me..lol! I miss watching tv in bed with him, making dinner together, laughing with him....I miss it all. He's been really busy at work so we've mainly been texting lately. He told me it's been harder for him than he thought it would be, he misses having me there. He is so sweet, told me he wants to take me on a date and spend a whole day just holding me and cuddling. ::sigh:: I'm going to AR this week to see Carlos (see, he does have a real name!) and I'm really excited. I can't wait to see him and our friends. I'm homesick for AR, which I didn't expect so it'll be nice to soothe that particular ache.

But, it's not all bad, I am happy to be home. I love my family and have lots of fun with them. While it can get on my nerves that I am never alone anymore, it's also nice. There is always someone around to talk with or go to the store with me or cook or clean or help with the dogs. There are definitely perks! My dogs love that there are so many people around to pet them or sneak them food! I just wish C was here too and my Dad. Especially my Dad.

long time, no talk

It's so hard to post when there is nothing IF related going on in my life and I feel like it gets tiresome for all of you to keep reading grieving posts about my Dad. Plus, it's been busy with moving and all. After five years in Arkansas, we are finally Texas residents again! Completely in love with our new house and having fun living near family again. Just bittersweet that my Dad isn't here to see this. His birthday was the 17th and it was so damn hard. He would have been 55 and we would have had a big party but instead we wished like crazy things were different and cancer didn't exist. We also released balloon messages at the cemetery and decorated his grave. It's not so hard to think about him, the hard part is missing him...every day from now until we see him again. That is the sucky part.

I'm also missing C like crazy. He still works in AR for 12 days at a time and then is home for 4 days, they're going to switch him to a 4 weeks on/1 week off schedule soon. It's a hard adjustment and sometimes I question our sanity but we push on because this is how it is now. Sacrifices had to be made and we keep telling ourselves that it's temporary. We want to open our own business at some point and then we can be together and have a normal life. In the meantime, there is a lot of Sky.pe going on and long phone conversations. He comes home September 11th and I am anxiously counting down!

It was sad for me to drive away from our AR house, I kept thinking about all the expectations I had when we bought that house in 2008. I fully believed we would bring our baby home to that house and I mentally decorated our nursery over and over. I can still vividly remember getting that phone call in my kitchen about C's zero SA. How I sat stunned at our kitchen table, sobbing. All the devastating talks we had within those walls about sperm, doctors, infertility. The fights, the tears, the sadness...it all seemed to haunt us a little there. We had a good life in AR, it's just also where so much sadness happened. In the five years we were there; both my Grandpas died, my Dad had a stroke and was diagnosed with cancer, my health took a nose-dive, IF roared into our lives, his cousin committed suicide, he switched jobs twice, we almost split up and we lost my Dad. It's been quite a mess.

But with the bad, there is of course, the good. We made some really happy memories there too. Lots of laughs, parties with friends we adore, all the fun we had decorating our first house and making it our home. We made some life-long friends who helped us through the darkness and plied us with alcohol when all else failed. We traveled some, became bikers and grew up. We were only 24 when we moved there, so young and naive.

Here we are now, back home and staring at 30. Still childless but hopefully not for too long.

Rolling On

Time just keeps rolling by and I've learned to just roll right along with it. Sometimes it's easy and other times, it is so damn difficult. C and I are doing so good, we've catapulted off the rock bottom we hit and have reached a place we haven't been in since before the azoo diagnosis. The irony of being so happy in my marriage while grieving my father can, at times, be very confusing. It's odd but I'm not going to over-analyze it.

We sold our house after a whopping three days on the market! We decided to go the "for sale by owner" route and have been lucky thus far with the decision. We close mid-July and it can't get here fast enough! I am mentally in Texas already and so done with Arkansas. The new house is almost complete and it looks amazing! I can't wait to move in and spend time with my family. Packing up our AR house has been interesting, not quite sure how I managed to cram so much stuff into 1362 sq feet. Been selling a lot of it on craigslist though! 

Father's day was spent in tears, it was even harder than I imagined. I still find myself staring at his picture in disbelief that he's really gone. 6 months later and it still doesn't seem real. Well meaning people keep telling me that time heals and that the pain will lessen, this makes me want to scream at them. No, time doesn't always heal. I'll grieve forever because I'll miss him forever. I just will learn, and am learning, how to live my life with this hole. How to laugh and smile again despite the pain. Every milestone we hit without him is just another reminder of how much we've lost. It's hard and I wish they would stop minimizing my pain. It's ok to grieve, it's ok to be sad. It's not fun but it's ok.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a dimmer light without my Dad around. But it's there and I know I'll be ok. I'm learning how to roll on and it's how he would want it.

The Way You Make Me Feel

Life is such a fragile gift and I try to live each day to its fullest. I also try to come to peace with my regrets because I don't mind having them, as long as I don't repeat them. I spread my love to all those around me because I have an endless capacity to share. I have enough faith, hope and love to go around the world many times over. I have an incredible husband, a supportive and hilarious family, wonderful friends that I can call at 4 in the morning and silly dogs that I adore. I am educated, Carlos has a great career and we have a beautiful house. Simply, I am blessed.

Now all I need is a child to share this all with, to show the beauty of the world and the kindness of people. I want to stare in amazement and awe at a child created by my husband and me. I want to go treat or tricking with the most adorable costumed kid ever, I want to bake Christmas cookies and take visits to see Santa and I want to answer endless questions about the most random things ever. I long to sing lullabies, read beloved children's books and listen to the giggle of my child. I believe I'd be a good mom, certainly not a perfect one, but the kind my child would be proud of. I know Carlos will be a fantastic dad; he'll encourage rough-housing, fishing and a love for snakes and sharks. He'll build forts in the living room, teach them to appreciate the joys of camping and always shower them in love.

I want to be a mom, I want Carlos to be a dad. We are ready, when will it be our turn? How can I find the patience to endure IF treatments? How can I deal with the crappy hand that we have been dealt? How will I ever be able to rectify the pain, that I view as caused by me, to my husband? Most of all, what if it never does happen for us?

Perhaps Michael Jackson had the answer to it all, and breaking out in a random sequence of funky dance moves really will cure my sadness. I bet the angels are all moonwalking tonight!