People still suck

I feel like I blinked and now it's October. This year has just flown by, particularly the last couple of months. It feels like Summer just started and now it's over and Fall has arrived. Time really goes by faster the older you get. I'm actually relieved though because it's been a hard year for me and I'm just so over it. I'm such a hopeful, grab life by the balls and carpe diem the shit out of it person, so it sucks when I'm counting down the days for a new start.

If I've learned anything in the last few years, it's that life is hard. And dammit if I'm not sick and tired of it being so damn hard. I'm ready for simplicity and easy sailing on smooth seas. But it seems that isn't part of the plan for me, at least not yet. And yes, I know things could be worse, I know that better than most. But that doesn't mean I can't complain. There is no pain olympics or threshold to be met before a person can bitch and moan.

It's been a hard time lately with XH, with FI, with well meaning friends and family who butt their noses into my life on the regular. It seems everyone has an opinion about my life and how I should be living it. It's tiring and frustrating and maddening. Can I just live? Where were all these opinions when I was severely depressed and a raging bitch? Why didn't any of these people point out what I couldn't see about myself? Especially XH, well, mainly him. Nobody was closer to me and he didn't even throw me a lifeline. Nobody in my life tried to help me when I was desperately drowning and literally couldn't see how that was affecting me.

But now? Oh now they all rush in to point out my "failings" and where I should improve my life. So many opinions. And eventually, after hearing from multiple people, it starts to mess with your head. And you start to wonder if they are right. Because your trust in your own judgment isn't 100% since you were so obviously wrong about your marriage and husband. It's hard to trust yourself now because it went so catastrophically bad.

I need a vacation. Far, far away from all these well meaning people. Where I can sleep late, read, watch too much tv, and stare at beautiful starry skies. And ignore all these people who think they know me better than I know myself.

Cutting people out

It's been an interesting summer so far. We are settled into our new place and spending a lot of time with family, which is so nice. We really enjoy our new town, which is small and quaint. It reminds me so much of the small central Arkansas town I lived in. Which is nice for my homesickness! I do randomly get struck with pangs of longing for Arkansas, but they pass because I am extremely happy to be back home. I miss my best friend something fierce but I have a visit planned for later this month, I am so excited to see her!

Father's day was rough. Really rough. I was in a bad mood the whole week leading up to it and couldn't figure out why until that Friday. I was picking fights on FB like crazy, taking all my anger out in the comments of posts about guns, LBGT rights, and Drumpf. It was great fun to troll crazies but it also led to me deleting 12 family and friends, which made me really sad. It still is making me sad that I had so many people in my life who support Drumpf and refuse to see logic about anything going on in the world today. Stupidity makes my heart hurt.

The one person who is upsetting me the most is a friend I've known since high school. He's truly not a good person but I guess I stayed friends with him for nostalgia. Our friendship cooled while I was married because he was messy but we picked it back up after my divorce. Where he continued to cross lines and be disrespectful. He finally crossed my last line, which is surprising because I usually forgive everything and let it go.

But I don't want to be that way anymore. I have to have boundaries, otherwise people walk all over me and take advantage. They just assume I'll let it go eventually. But I've come to realize that shitty people aren't worth keeping in my life. They just stress me out and cause problems. So, I've cut a lot of people out. It's such a weird feeling but I know it's necessary, for my own health and sanity.

But it still sucks. 

Bitch about it Sunday

Something has shifted and I can't quite put my finger on exactly what. All I know is that my tolerance for bullshit is super low and I'm being kinda bitchy lately. I just have no fucks to give. The poor Cowboy is just rolling with it but I can tell he's internally WTFing my attitude a lot but biting his tongue. I can't even really blame PMS because thanks to complications from my IUD, it's raging all the time. Yay for me!

So, I thought, instead of a (late) gratitude list, I'd instead make a list of bitchy/snarky thoughts running through my head. The irony of making this post of bitchiness on a Sunday is not lost on me either but ehh, no fucks to give, remember?

Anyway, I want to bitch about the following:

* Upon seeing Kanye.West and Kim.Kardashian on the cover of Vogue, my thought process was this: They're basically the poor man's JayZ/Beyonce, yes? Why would such a classic magazine risk losing all credibility by putting a chick with a sex tape on the cover? Need publicity that bad? So, Anna Wintour IS a Kardashian in disguise. Gotcha

* a good friend of mine has been telling us for months now that she was going to TTC after they bought a house, which they did last month. She just announced her pregnancy and told everyone it was an unplanned shock. No bitch, you planned it, why lie? And don't get all huffy with me when I call you out!

* a huge jet has been missing for 2 weeks and you're telling me that the world has no clue what happened? I'm not buying it. You cannot tell me that the US government doesn't know exactly what happened but isn't sharing because there were so few Americans on board. Which is super shitty of my government, shame on them.

* I adore the show HIMYM but if it ends with the mother dead, I will never watch a single episode ever again. I've invested 9 seasons with this show and to end it so shitty would really be the writers saying a giant fuck you to all the fans. I'm still pissed about how Roseanne ended.

* my guy BFF has decided to get back with his XW, who cheated on him with this best friend while he was deployed and thought she was KU by that guy. Yes, BFF, give another chance to the tramp who fucked your long time friend while you were at war for our country. That should end well.


Oh man, I actually feel better now! Sometimes, you just gotta bitch about things to clear out the negative from your mind. I am always grateful for my life and the people/things in it but sometimes, those same people/things piss me off and irritate me.  And since even I refuse to pop open some wine this early on a Sunday, this is how I cope!

people suck

Nothing like being blindsided unexpectedly by people's stupidity. It's been almost three years since C and I started this journey and I thought I had heard it all before, but you know what they say about people who assume things. While I've learned to recognize the signs that a conversation is going to turn to people asking me about having children, I am still taken back when someone does. I never quite know how to respond to that and while my mind is racing with a million thoughts, that I hope my face is hiding, I somehow manage to stammer something out. Usually I just say that yes, we want children and hope people leave it at that, and sometimes they do. And sometimes they ask me when and I just tell them hopefully soon or hopefully one day or whenever the IF treatments work or wow, that is a personal question!

I am always frazzled by these questions and while my friends assure me that I handle them well, it always bums me out. Anyway, the point of this is something that was said to me when I went to a housewarming party this weekend. A really good friend of mine is pregnant and the girlfriend of another friend was grilling her about all the details. So, I knew the questions were going to swing my way and they did and I responded nicely without talking about IF. I breathed a sigh of relief and thought the worst was over....and it was, until I was saying my goodbyes.

Someone brought up a group getaway and since it was a small group of us standing there, all whom know about our struggles, I said we were interested as long as it was before IVF. Which of course caught the attention of the girlfriend and I jokingly said that yep, C and I were infertile. Which led to more questioning on her part (she's a nurse) and then came the worst comment ever. An acquaintance was standing to the side and opened his mouth to utter this to me, "That's impossible, C is too stupid to be infertile."

::crickets while Amanda successfully avoids stabbing the douche in his groin::

I was stunned and managed to roll my eyes at him and turn away. I might have said something but I can't really remember because I was reeling inside. 3 days later and I am still pissed and hurt. Too stupid, that is definitely a new one. I can take the stupid comments made to me but when someone brings C into it, it just really upsets me. It brings out the inner trailer park in me and makes me want to slash your tires, spit in your food, spread rumors about you and ruin your life. I am so mad at myself for not saying anything. Where was my inner bitch and why the hell did she fail me? I should have told him something. I probably would have if C had been there but because he wasn't and these are mainly his friends, I just didn't. Plus I was so stunned and trying to process it that I literally couldn't think.


Ugh, people suck.