What do you want?

What do you want? No, really, what do you want? It seems like a simple question at first glance but when you take a deeper glance, you realize just how loaded that question truly is. And some people know exactly what they want and can answer it somewhat easily. Then there are the people like me, who freak out because they don't really know. Or maybe they do and the answer scares them. Or the answer is too big or too different from what they can accept. Sometimes knowing what you want is overwhelming. Sometimes it's so different from where you started that you aren't ready yet to admit that.

What do I want? I think I kinda know. I want to be happy. I want to be at peace. I want financial freedom. I want to be fulfilled with my work. I want stacks of books, good food, and lots of laughs. I want people in my life who value me and respect me. I want to marvel at wondrous things. I want to smile in the sun and in the rain. I want to learn new things. I want regrets I can live with and choices that don't wrench my heart into pieces. I want nights under a starry sky with my lover. I want nights spent wrapped in blankets while the cool breeze dances across our faces. I want kisses and cuddles and inside jokes. I want laughter and music and dogs to fill our home. I want my chaotic family around me all the time.

Do I want kids? Yeah, sometimes I do. Sometimes I want kids so fucking bad that I can't breathe. But, yet, sometimes I'm ok that I don't have them. Sometimes I'm grateful that there isn't a tiny human depending on me.

It's really confusing to be on both sides of the fence. It's hurtful because my body is making the decision for me that kids aren't likely in the picture. It's upsetting that I'm use to not having kids of my own and the freedom that comes with that is rather nice. I'm happy and I have a full life despite being barren.

The real question is, will I always feel this way? Will I ever make peace with this? Will I regret not having them? Would I regret having them? Hard questions without easy answers. I just don't know what I want.

And sometimes I'm ok with that and sometimes it just really sucks.

Where is my baby?

For the first time in quite some time, I had an IF breakdown the other night. I'm talking full on tears, sobs, and heartbreaking pain. I had spent the day holding my tiny nephew, just snuggling him and listening to his little noises. Watching him do that adorable little baby stretch and flash sweet smiles. It just felt so natural to be around a baby and tend to his needs. It also made me ache deep down in my soul for my baby. A baby I started trying for at the age of 25 and here I am at 33 still childless. It just all hit me that night and I let myself feel it.

M said something quite innocent to me about how we have been trying. I guess I haven't let myself really think about it and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. What if we never succeed? What if it's just too late for my body to do what seems so natural for most couples? How could I allow M to know this world of IF? Why the hell did I fall in love again when I know I'm reproductively challenged? How could I do that to him? IF contributed to my first marriage's destruction, am I crazy to think it won't do the same to this one? The guilt is just overwhelming and all consuming. I feel so horribly about it all.

M started comforting me and talking about seeing doctors, and if there are any vitamins he can take to help improve his sperm, just in case, and should we start googling to learn more about conceiving. It just was so surreal to hear those words, a variation on past conversations with XH about the same damn things. I almost screamed from rage at it all, at the fucking irony of being back in this place again. It makes me want to throw things and punch people and curl up into a little ball and cry until there are no tears left.

The IUD was removed in late May and we did use condoms for a while. We didn't call it TTC until around September but in reality, it's been almost a year since we ditched all forms of birth control. Given our ages (33 and 36), what did I expect? And now this brings up all kinds of questions about what to do about it. Do we see doctors? Do we consult Dr Google? Do we start vitamins? Do I go back down that road again of having doctors elbow deep in me to tell me things I've already heard?

When I think about that, I just feel so exhausted. I've already had that experience and I truly don't think I have it in me to do that again. I truly have no desire to hear another doctor order an HSG, prescribe meds that make me crazy, or hold his hand through a SA. It's too much to go through again. I cannot keep my sanity through more of that. I panic at the thought of researching IUI and IVF again. The PTSD from it all is very real and manageable now, I'm not sure my mind can handle it again.

So, I'm not sure what will happen. All I do know is that I keep thinking where is my baby? And it's draining.

National Infertility Awareness Week

As a woman who spent years entrenched in the IF world, I knew once the calendar rolled on to April that NIAW would soon be upon us. I tried collecting my thoughts on it but they were so scrambled that it was hard to round them all up and organize them into a coherent thought. So, my FB has stayed uncharacteristically silent thus far. Although I did send out a supportive tweet and I will post across FB and IG before the week ends.

But, here it is, IF is a damn hard road to travel. I had the support of an awesome online forum and made some amazing friends, who I still keep in touch with. Their kids' pictures light up my FB and make me SO incredibly happy. Seriously, I celebrate their children so much because I remember how much their mommas cried, yelled, raged, hoped and prayed. Those women made the dark days lighter. They posted and messaged when my Dad died and when my marriage ended. They've been such a blessing.

I started this blog before the MFI dx but after my PCOS dx. The support I received from the blogging world was incredible. You all championed my successes and consoled me during the failures. The love and support when my Dad died and when I announced my divorce was really heartwarming. And a wonderful balm to my aching heart. The IF blogging world is a fantastic support.

My point is, even though IF is a long, lonely road, you are not alone. Unfortunately there are others out there but the good thing about that sad fact is that you can find shoulders to lean on. And that makes a world of difference. Lean on people and seek support, find solace in the storm. The IF community will help guide you through.

What lies ahead

Once we knew that the biopsy was bad, I almost immediately began to think about the future. I began to think about donor sperm and adoption, I started making a mental list of pros and cons for both. At first, both were hard to accept as our reality but as the days went by, I started to accept it and threw myself into googling, reading and talking about both options to C. I felt led in one direction but decided, ultimately, I would leave the final decision to C. I wanted him to be the one who made the call, he had to be comfortable with it the most. We talked about both options but I never said which one I felt would be best, I was waiting on him. Finally, the other night, we talked about what I felt was right, where I felt God was leading me. Last night, C told me that he agreed. It was a very happy moment for us.

I am 100% excited and 100% scared/nervous/anxious to start down this path but I know in my heart that it is 100% the right choice for us. We are going to use donor sperm to build our family and we both look forward to this new adventure. We are still going to see Dr. L but we are being realistic at the same time. We have a lot to do before we can openly pursue this so we're aiming for donor-IUI in the Fall of 2010. I can't wait!

It's a part of life that some circumstances force you outside of your comfort zone and obviously, IF has definitely done just that for us. I was so against us going the donor route and even blogged about how I felt it wasn't for us, famous last words of a fool, huh? I had to get past the initial shock of C's azoospermia diagnosis before I could even think straight. But once the smoke cleared, and I took my head out of my ass, I was able to see that while biology is important to a degree, what mattered even more was that we had love to give. I'd give anything for there to be sperm, so would C, but I'd also give anything to be a parent, so would C. What it boiled down to was that how we built our family didn't matter, what mattered more was that we did and we will. We are going to be parents, great ones at that! We'll always grieve for what we lost and for what might have been but we are not going to let it define us anymore, or stop us. For the first time in a long time, we can see the light at the end of this tunnel and it feels so freeing. At last, we have hope again.

Support System

It's been six weeks since the world spun out of control. Six weeks of tears, anger, rage and questions. Will we ever be able to have biological children? Why isn't there any sperm? Where do we go from here? Are we strong enough to endure this hell? How is it that our life has become centered around sperm?! Six weeks to think about what this means and what our options are. We use to talk a lot about our future children and the things we would teach them, places we would take them and the life we wanted to experience with them. We don't talk about that anymore and we don't daydream about our future either. We are stuck because we just don't know enough at this point. I am super anxious for the 17th to get here so that our minds can be put to ease. I know that if it's bad news, we will grieve and be devastated but I also know that we will also be able to focus on the bigger picture. We will find a way to build our family, that much we do know.

I have been talking a lot about this with my best friends and my Mom. It makes me sad that they don't understand and they often end up saying hurtful things to me. My two best friends get exasperated with me because I am so depressed about not being able to have biological children. They tell me that adoption is the same thing and that at least I have that available to me. Why can't I just be happy about that? My Mom has morphed into a super cheerleader and is always telling me that miracles happen. She just doesn't believe that we won't have biological children and she thinks it's all a mistake. C is much too young and healthy to be sterile. When I start to get upset, she changes the subject so quickly that I just give up. I've explained to her, again and again, that I just need her to listen but she never does. It's incredibly frustrating to not be able to get the support I need from my loved ones.

There is only C that gives me the support I need and of course, that makes sense. Only he knows the agony we are experiencing, the right thing to say or not to say and when to hug me or when to walk away. I am glad we have each other to lean on, he keeps me sane. But it sure is lonely to have nobody else understand or at least be sympathetic enough. It hurts to be around anything pregnancy related, it hurts to walk by baby sections in stores and it hurts that I can't share my feelings without the fear of being judged. Infertility is a lonely road. My friends suck right now. Well, actually, my ovaries and C's testicles suck too.

Don't Worry Baby

We got the results of C's blood tests yesterday and of course they raised more questions then provided answers. Everything is normal, except for his testosterone. It was at 280 and they said normal is 300 but google said normal for a man his age is 700 so I'm curious as to why they're ok with 300. Due to C's work schedule, he isn't able to go back for more information/testing until the 13th and then he leaves for OK on the 16th. I'm very irritated about the timing of all this and pretty frustrated that there is nothing we can do about it. C tells me to not worry and denies that he is worried, which I can't believe. I think he's scared and just not ready to admit to it. I don't want to push him on it but I also don't want him to let it pile up and then lose it completely.

Google is becoming my enemy because it spewed forth crappy information about male menopause, testicular failure and pituitary tumors, all of which made me cry. I just want answers and a plan on how we're going to fix these problems, if we even can. It's killing me to not know what the hell is going on with C. I can handle my fertility problems but once things start to go wrong for C, I lose my mind. I can't bear the thought of something serious being wrong with him, it terrifies me. I'm not even worried anymore about my PCOS, all of my focus is centered around C's health now.

With everything that is going on, I suggested to C that it might be a good idea to call his parents and clue them in. He flat-out refuses to do so. I beg him to at least call his brother, they are pretty close and his brother has a degree in medicine, but he won't even do that. I think it has a lot to do with his pride, C and I are Hispanic and in our families, this is not something you speak of. Our families are both very fertile and to tell all of them, will mark us as the defective ones. Which, obviously, we are hesitant to do but I see no harm in telling his parents. C promises that he will once we know more b/c he doesn't want to worry them before we know more. I feel bad b/c my parents know everything and his are still in the dark.

But, I'm a talker and I have to tell someone how I feel. I also like for my parents to know what is going on so that they can pray for us b/c I truly believe prayer works miracles. At least it did for my Dad these past few months. Aside from being a talker, I am a worrier and I worry about everything. It's no surprise that I have high blood pressure. C is constantly telling me to not worry, especially about these blood test results but I can't help it. I hope this week goes by super fast.