What do you want?

What do you want? No, really, what do you want? It seems like a simple question at first glance but when you take a deeper glance, you realize just how loaded that question truly is. And some people know exactly what they want and can answer it somewhat easily. Then there are the people like me, who freak out because they don't really know. Or maybe they do and the answer scares them. Or the answer is too big or too different from what they can accept. Sometimes knowing what you want is overwhelming. Sometimes it's so different from where you started that you aren't ready yet to admit that.

What do I want? I think I kinda know. I want to be happy. I want to be at peace. I want financial freedom. I want to be fulfilled with my work. I want stacks of books, good food, and lots of laughs. I want people in my life who value me and respect me. I want to marvel at wondrous things. I want to smile in the sun and in the rain. I want to learn new things. I want regrets I can live with and choices that don't wrench my heart into pieces. I want nights under a starry sky with my lover. I want nights spent wrapped in blankets while the cool breeze dances across our faces. I want kisses and cuddles and inside jokes. I want laughter and music and dogs to fill our home. I want my chaotic family around me all the time.

Do I want kids? Yeah, sometimes I do. Sometimes I want kids so fucking bad that I can't breathe. But, yet, sometimes I'm ok that I don't have them. Sometimes I'm grateful that there isn't a tiny human depending on me.

It's really confusing to be on both sides of the fence. It's hurtful because my body is making the decision for me that kids aren't likely in the picture. It's upsetting that I'm use to not having kids of my own and the freedom that comes with that is rather nice. I'm happy and I have a full life despite being barren.

The real question is, will I always feel this way? Will I ever make peace with this? Will I regret not having them? Would I regret having them? Hard questions without easy answers. I just don't know what I want.

And sometimes I'm ok with that and sometimes it just really sucks.

Gratitude

Even though I am a day late, I definitely want to take the time and remind myself of all that I am thankful for. My life is far from perfect but I am so lucky to have this life and I don't want to take for granted anything.

This week I am thankful for:

* M's new job, he is SO much happier now
* long lunches with awesome friends
* Summer days spent with my nephews and nieces
* movie nights spent cuddled in bed with a great guy
* evening swims, it's too hot during the day to even swim!
* sales picking up with my Etsy shop, it was a slow Summer


The best part of this Summer was my sister and BIL announcing they are expecting! My youngest niece is six and we are long overdue for a baby in the family again. Needless to say, we are all excited! My feelings about it have been way better than I expected, I honestly wasn't sure how I would handle it. But, I'm truly happy and rarely get a twinge of sadness/longing. She's due in February and I am very much looking forward to baby cuddles!

Awkward Encounters

Last weekend I went to one of those big stores that sells in bulk with my Mom. It had been a lazy Saturday up until that point, M was mowing the lawn when she called and asked me if I wanted to go with her. I was editing pictures but needed a break anyway. I threw on yoga pants, an old shirt, ran a comb through my hair, and left. We were just wondering around, throwing stuff in our cart when we turned a corner and directly in front of us was the woman XH left me for, with my XSIL and his niece.

It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, I literally gasped. I quickly walked away but I saw the smirk on that bitch's face and the stunned look on XSIL's face. I was shaking and called my sister so she could talk me down..LOL! My Mom went to pay and sent me out to wait in the car, I was so grateful because I just had to get out of there. A storm was rolling in and it just so aptly captured my emotions.

And man were the emotions rolling in. Everything from anger to sadness to grief to disbelief to gratitude that XH is no longer my husband....I felt it all. It was overwhelming but I was mostly just stunned. Coming home to M's smiling face put it all into perspective though. The divorce truly was for the best. I'm the happiest, best version of myself now. XH seems to be happy too. What started out in so much pain and sadness has ended in smiles and happiness. I'm so grateful for that.

But seeing my former niece, who is now 15, and who I've known since before she was born, was just so damn hard. We were really close and I miss her every damn day. When we split, I lost three nephews and two nieces and that is just so painful. I think about them often and wonder about how much they've grown. I remember their birthdays and can't stand to see their pictures. Then I look at my two nephews and my two nieces and thank God that I have them. XH often asks about them and I know he misses them.

We are so damn happy now in our respective lives but OMG, the fucking collateral damage in the wake is still such a tender wound. I hate that we hurt others. But, mainly, I just hate that these kids will one day reach a point where we aren't even a memory in their minds. I will remember them, XH will remember them, but those kids won't remember Aunt Amanda or Uncle Carlos.

And that really fucking hurts.

3 Pregnancies & an Engagement

I've had quite the week. The final design was chosen for my Dad's headstone, something we had put off for almost two years. I just couldn't bring myself to pick it out because it just made it so damn real. I chose the hospice service we used, made calls about his final days, and planned the entire funeral on my own. I just didn't have it in me to do this one last thing, the last step. My SIL took over and it's done and it's been hard to think about. It's going to be installed soon, just in time for the 2 year mark since he died.

Three pregnancy announcements also sent me in a tailspin this week. Three cousins all due next year. One with her first, one with her sixth and the other with her fourth and yes, they are all younger than me. They all got married after me as well. Out of all of us, I was so sure my marriage would last and that I'd have babies by now. Funny how pregnancies can still send me diving headfirst into a bottle of wine. I'm happy for them, babies are a blessing and I'll happily buy baby gifts and cuddle newborns when the time comes. But, oh my Lord, the blinding pain knocked me off my ass.

My little sister also got engaged last week. He's an incredible guy and even better father to my niece, whom he wants to adopt! I'm thrilled for her and I'm happy to pour over wedding magazines and gasp at beautiful gowns. It's just a little sting to think of my own gorgeous wedding dress (that I really need to get rid of) and my own wedding that I adored.

Everyone's life is advancing and it just feels like my own is just stuck in the same damn place. A place I didn't plan for or chose but a place that was handed to me nonetheless. It's a place I can handle and I've made as much peace as I can with being in it. But, sometimes, the absurdity of it all just slams into me and takes my breath away. I am really 30 years old, divorcing, childless and jobless. This is my life and it's crazy. Thank God for my family, friends, the Cowboy and great wine!

C finally signed the divorce papers this week too. I signed under his name and submitted them to my lawyer. They go before the judge this week and he'll grant the decree and it'll be done. 13 months after he left and 12 months after I filed, an end is truly in sight. It's the most bittersweet feeling I have ever felt. There is no other way to word it.

This week was challenging. It all came at me at once and I felt so damn overwhelmed. I got properly drunk and cried my eyes out. I'm feeling better now but still fighting that stupid cold. On bed rest so it won't turn into pneumonia, like it usually does. See? All at once. I know next week will be better though. I have hope that it's all going to turn around soon.

The Way You Make Me Feel

Life is such a fragile gift and I try to live each day to its fullest. I also try to come to peace with my regrets because I don't mind having them, as long as I don't repeat them. I spread my love to all those around me because I have an endless capacity to share. I have enough faith, hope and love to go around the world many times over. I have an incredible husband, a supportive and hilarious family, wonderful friends that I can call at 4 in the morning and silly dogs that I adore. I am educated, Carlos has a great career and we have a beautiful house. Simply, I am blessed.

Now all I need is a child to share this all with, to show the beauty of the world and the kindness of people. I want to stare in amazement and awe at a child created by my husband and me. I want to go treat or tricking with the most adorable costumed kid ever, I want to bake Christmas cookies and take visits to see Santa and I want to answer endless questions about the most random things ever. I long to sing lullabies, read beloved children's books and listen to the giggle of my child. I believe I'd be a good mom, certainly not a perfect one, but the kind my child would be proud of. I know Carlos will be a fantastic dad; he'll encourage rough-housing, fishing and a love for snakes and sharks. He'll build forts in the living room, teach them to appreciate the joys of camping and always shower them in love.

I want to be a mom, I want Carlos to be a dad. We are ready, when will it be our turn? How can I find the patience to endure IF treatments? How can I deal with the crappy hand that we have been dealt? How will I ever be able to rectify the pain, that I view as caused by me, to my husband? Most of all, what if it never does happen for us?

Perhaps Michael Jackson had the answer to it all, and breaking out in a random sequence of funky dance moves really will cure my sadness. I bet the angels are all moonwalking tonight!