What do you want? No, really, what do you want? It seems like a simple question at first glance but when you take a deeper glance, you realize just how loaded that question truly is. And some people know exactly what they want and can answer it somewhat easily. Then there are the people like me, who freak out because they don't really know. Or maybe they do and the answer scares them. Or the answer is too big or too different from what they can accept. Sometimes knowing what you want is overwhelming. Sometimes it's so different from where you started that you aren't ready yet to admit that.
What do I want? I think I kinda know. I want to be happy. I want to be at peace. I want financial freedom. I want to be fulfilled with my work. I want stacks of books, good food, and lots of laughs. I want people in my life who value me and respect me. I want to marvel at wondrous things. I want to smile in the sun and in the rain. I want to learn new things. I want regrets I can live with and choices that don't wrench my heart into pieces. I want nights under a starry sky with my lover. I want nights spent wrapped in blankets while the cool breeze dances across our faces. I want kisses and cuddles and inside jokes. I want laughter and music and dogs to fill our home. I want my chaotic family around me all the time.
Do I want kids? Yeah, sometimes I do. Sometimes I want kids so fucking bad that I can't breathe. But, yet, sometimes I'm ok that I don't have them. Sometimes I'm grateful that there isn't a tiny human depending on me.
It's really confusing to be on both sides of the fence. It's hurtful because my body is making the decision for me that kids aren't likely in the picture. It's upsetting that I'm use to not having kids of my own and the freedom that comes with that is rather nice. I'm happy and I have a full life despite being barren.
The real question is, will I always feel this way? Will I ever make peace with this? Will I regret not having them? Would I regret having them? Hard questions without easy answers. I just don't know what I want.
And sometimes I'm ok with that and sometimes it just really sucks.
Showing posts with label IF feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IF feelings. Show all posts
April 28, 2016
February 26, 2016
Where is my baby?
For the first time in quite some time, I had an IF breakdown the other night. I'm talking full on tears, sobs, and heartbreaking pain. I had spent the day holding my tiny nephew, just snuggling him and listening to his little noises. Watching him do that adorable little baby stretch and flash sweet smiles. It just felt so natural to be around a baby and tend to his needs. It also made me ache deep down in my soul for my baby. A baby I started trying for at the age of 25 and here I am at 33 still childless. It just all hit me that night and I let myself feel it.
M said something quite innocent to me about how we have been trying. I guess I haven't let myself really think about it and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. What if we never succeed? What if it's just too late for my body to do what seems so natural for most couples? How could I allow M to know this world of IF? Why the hell did I fall in love again when I know I'm reproductively challenged? How could I do that to him? IF contributed to my first marriage's destruction, am I crazy to think it won't do the same to this one? The guilt is just overwhelming and all consuming. I feel so horribly about it all.
M started comforting me and talking about seeing doctors, and if there are any vitamins he can take to help improve his sperm, just in case, and should we start googling to learn more about conceiving. It just was so surreal to hear those words, a variation on past conversations with XH about the same damn things. I almost screamed from rage at it all, at the fucking irony of being back in this place again. It makes me want to throw things and punch people and curl up into a little ball and cry until there are no tears left.
The IUD was removed in late May and we did use condoms for a while. We didn't call it TTC until around September but in reality, it's been almost a year since we ditched all forms of birth control. Given our ages (33 and 36), what did I expect? And now this brings up all kinds of questions about what to do about it. Do we see doctors? Do we consult Dr Google? Do we start vitamins? Do I go back down that road again of having doctors elbow deep in me to tell me things I've already heard?
When I think about that, I just feel so exhausted. I've already had that experience and I truly don't think I have it in me to do that again. I truly have no desire to hear another doctor order an HSG, prescribe meds that make me crazy, or hold his hand through a SA. It's too much to go through again. I cannot keep my sanity through more of that. I panic at the thought of researching IUI and IVF again. The PTSD from it all is very real and manageable now, I'm not sure my mind can handle it again.
So, I'm not sure what will happen. All I do know is that I keep thinking where is my baby? And it's draining.
M said something quite innocent to me about how we have been trying. I guess I haven't let myself really think about it and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. What if we never succeed? What if it's just too late for my body to do what seems so natural for most couples? How could I allow M to know this world of IF? Why the hell did I fall in love again when I know I'm reproductively challenged? How could I do that to him? IF contributed to my first marriage's destruction, am I crazy to think it won't do the same to this one? The guilt is just overwhelming and all consuming. I feel so horribly about it all.
M started comforting me and talking about seeing doctors, and if there are any vitamins he can take to help improve his sperm, just in case, and should we start googling to learn more about conceiving. It just was so surreal to hear those words, a variation on past conversations with XH about the same damn things. I almost screamed from rage at it all, at the fucking irony of being back in this place again. It makes me want to throw things and punch people and curl up into a little ball and cry until there are no tears left.
The IUD was removed in late May and we did use condoms for a while. We didn't call it TTC until around September but in reality, it's been almost a year since we ditched all forms of birth control. Given our ages (33 and 36), what did I expect? And now this brings up all kinds of questions about what to do about it. Do we see doctors? Do we consult Dr Google? Do we start vitamins? Do I go back down that road again of having doctors elbow deep in me to tell me things I've already heard?
When I think about that, I just feel so exhausted. I've already had that experience and I truly don't think I have it in me to do that again. I truly have no desire to hear another doctor order an HSG, prescribe meds that make me crazy, or hold his hand through a SA. It's too much to go through again. I cannot keep my sanity through more of that. I panic at the thought of researching IUI and IVF again. The PTSD from it all is very real and manageable now, I'm not sure my mind can handle it again.
So, I'm not sure what will happen. All I do know is that I keep thinking where is my baby? And it's draining.
October 20, 2015
Back in the TTC saddle, again
Recently my six-months-pregnant sister and I spent a day running errands and doing some shopping together. In the years since I started dealing with IF, I have spent plenty of time with pregnant women in various baby shops. I can do fine in small doses and only once did I have to wait outside while my friends shopped inside. But, the one baby store that I have not sent foot in is Buy Buy Baby, I just refuse. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just swore to myself that I'd never enter that store unless I was pregnant. I guess I was "saving" it for myself. It wasn't hard to avoid the store while I was living in AR because there wasn't one in our area but now that I'm back in TX, there are more than a few.
Of course our errands included a stop in a shopping center with a Buy Buy Baby. I noticed it and ignored it but I saw my sister's face light up when she saw it. She excitedly informed me that of course we were going in, that we just HAD to. Now, I know her and she's always been very sensitive about my IF past. And I had also never said a word about how I was "saving" the store for myself one day, because, well, that sounds slightly insane. So I know she wasn't being mean or anything and she even told me that we didn't have to go in, if I didn't want to. But, I simply can't refuse my little sister and I really thought I'd be ok.
Nobody told me that the entire freaking store smells like baby powder. Or that it is THE spot for strollers and I am obsessed with strollers, I love researching them on days when my baby fever is through the roof. I was fine for about 30 minutes and then I had reached my limit. Luckily we left not long after that. I told her about how I had been "saving" it and she felt so badly about us stopping by but I told her it was ok. She really is very understanding and supportive about my feelings.
The thing is, I am not preventing a baby. After I had my IUD removed at the end of May, we did use protection for a while, but we decided to stop preventing and see what happens. Nothing has happened, obviously. The IUD has really messed with my body so my cycle still hasn't returned and that's always been an issue for me anyway. I'm not currently on metformin either. So, I know that of course it's not going to happen right now and I know that it actually might not ever happen. But that doesn't make the negative pregnancy tests any easier on me.
So, here I am, TTC again. It's such a weird feeling to be back in that mode after so much IF. I'm conflicted about it all but I know that I have to try for a baby. Because if I never try then I'll never know, and that would always haunt me. At least this way, if it doesn't happen, I can accept that it just wasn't in the cards for me and truly move on. I'm 32, M is 36, I'll imagine we'll not prevent for the next few years until I'm 36. It's very loosely a plan. A TTC plan. Again. After all this IF. I have to laugh or else I'll cry.
Of course our errands included a stop in a shopping center with a Buy Buy Baby. I noticed it and ignored it but I saw my sister's face light up when she saw it. She excitedly informed me that of course we were going in, that we just HAD to. Now, I know her and she's always been very sensitive about my IF past. And I had also never said a word about how I was "saving" the store for myself one day, because, well, that sounds slightly insane. So I know she wasn't being mean or anything and she even told me that we didn't have to go in, if I didn't want to. But, I simply can't refuse my little sister and I really thought I'd be ok.
Nobody told me that the entire freaking store smells like baby powder. Or that it is THE spot for strollers and I am obsessed with strollers, I love researching them on days when my baby fever is through the roof. I was fine for about 30 minutes and then I had reached my limit. Luckily we left not long after that. I told her about how I had been "saving" it and she felt so badly about us stopping by but I told her it was ok. She really is very understanding and supportive about my feelings.
The thing is, I am not preventing a baby. After I had my IUD removed at the end of May, we did use protection for a while, but we decided to stop preventing and see what happens. Nothing has happened, obviously. The IUD has really messed with my body so my cycle still hasn't returned and that's always been an issue for me anyway. I'm not currently on metformin either. So, I know that of course it's not going to happen right now and I know that it actually might not ever happen. But that doesn't make the negative pregnancy tests any easier on me.
So, here I am, TTC again. It's such a weird feeling to be back in that mode after so much IF. I'm conflicted about it all but I know that I have to try for a baby. Because if I never try then I'll never know, and that would always haunt me. At least this way, if it doesn't happen, I can accept that it just wasn't in the cards for me and truly move on. I'm 32, M is 36, I'll imagine we'll not prevent for the next few years until I'm 36. It's very loosely a plan. A TTC plan. Again. After all this IF. I have to laugh or else I'll cry.
April 22, 2015
National Infertility Awareness Week
As a woman who spent years entrenched in the IF world, I knew once the calendar rolled on to April that NIAW would soon be upon us. I tried collecting my thoughts on it but they were so scrambled that it was hard to round them all up and organize them into a coherent thought. So, my FB has stayed uncharacteristically silent thus far. Although I did send out a supportive tweet and I will post across FB and IG before the week ends.
But, here it is, IF is a damn hard road to travel. I had the support of an awesome online forum and made some amazing friends, who I still keep in touch with. Their kids' pictures light up my FB and make me SO incredibly happy. Seriously, I celebrate their children so much because I remember how much their mommas cried, yelled, raged, hoped and prayed. Those women made the dark days lighter. They posted and messaged when my Dad died and when my marriage ended. They've been such a blessing.
I started this blog before the MFI dx but after my PCOS dx. The support I received from the blogging world was incredible. You all championed my successes and consoled me during the failures. The love and support when my Dad died and when I announced my divorce was really heartwarming. And a wonderful balm to my aching heart. The IF blogging world is a fantastic support.
My point is, even though IF is a long, lonely road, you are not alone. Unfortunately there are others out there but the good thing about that sad fact is that you can find shoulders to lean on. And that makes a world of difference. Lean on people and seek support, find solace in the storm. The IF community will help guide you through.
But, here it is, IF is a damn hard road to travel. I had the support of an awesome online forum and made some amazing friends, who I still keep in touch with. Their kids' pictures light up my FB and make me SO incredibly happy. Seriously, I celebrate their children so much because I remember how much their mommas cried, yelled, raged, hoped and prayed. Those women made the dark days lighter. They posted and messaged when my Dad died and when my marriage ended. They've been such a blessing.
I started this blog before the MFI dx but after my PCOS dx. The support I received from the blogging world was incredible. You all championed my successes and consoled me during the failures. The love and support when my Dad died and when I announced my divorce was really heartwarming. And a wonderful balm to my aching heart. The IF blogging world is a fantastic support.
My point is, even though IF is a long, lonely road, you are not alone. Unfortunately there are others out there but the good thing about that sad fact is that you can find shoulders to lean on. And that makes a world of difference. Lean on people and seek support, find solace in the storm. The IF community will help guide you through.
June 21, 2011
Stuck in the Middle
We spent Father's Day back in TX with our families and it was actually nice. I didn't spend every moment thinking about how we weren't celebrating C but it did cross my mind throughout the day. I avoided FB as much as I could but still managed to see posts that made me sad. I can't wait for the day I can be gushy about what a wonderful father C is and I know he will be. He'll be fantastic and our child will be very lucky to have him.
I want so badly to have our child, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Sometimes I think we should go ahead and schedule the IVF. Then my Dad will have a bad day and my Mom will freak out and the doctors will scare us and all IVF thoughts fly out the window. I can't imagine going through IVF right now but I so badly want to. It's been interesting to experience the shift and change in my feelings about IF. We've been traveling down this road for 3 years and 2 months with not a single treatment under our belt and with no idea when we will get to cycle. I feel like a half-infertile, like I don't really belong in the IF world, at least not completely. But I sure as hell don't belong in the land of the fertiles either.
Adding to my interesting feelings, is how much I flip between being over the bitterness and having it surprise me at odd moments. I'm fine with the baby section at the store but I still don't want to sit with a group of women talking about labor and baby milestones. I can host a baby shower but please don't make me ohh and ahh over cute, tiny clothing over and over. I finally know my limits and have no problem enforcing them, which was something I struggled with for a long time. I also can't think/talk/read/obsess over IF anymore, which has made me avoid my blog and the IF message board I like. I just have no desire to be around all IF, all the time, right now. I know that will change once we actually cycle but in the mean time, I avoid it. I don't even like talking about it to friends and family. C and I mention it occasionally but nothing like it was, it's nice but weird.
So, here we sit, stuck in the middle and not happy about it but not crying either. It's a strange place to be but we're here and making the best of it. It's been a hellish few months and I just want to get through the rest of the Summer without losing another family member and without any major setbacks to my Dad's health. I'm ready for good health and happiness.
I want so badly to have our child, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Sometimes I think we should go ahead and schedule the IVF. Then my Dad will have a bad day and my Mom will freak out and the doctors will scare us and all IVF thoughts fly out the window. I can't imagine going through IVF right now but I so badly want to. It's been interesting to experience the shift and change in my feelings about IF. We've been traveling down this road for 3 years and 2 months with not a single treatment under our belt and with no idea when we will get to cycle. I feel like a half-infertile, like I don't really belong in the IF world, at least not completely. But I sure as hell don't belong in the land of the fertiles either.
Adding to my interesting feelings, is how much I flip between being over the bitterness and having it surprise me at odd moments. I'm fine with the baby section at the store but I still don't want to sit with a group of women talking about labor and baby milestones. I can host a baby shower but please don't make me ohh and ahh over cute, tiny clothing over and over. I finally know my limits and have no problem enforcing them, which was something I struggled with for a long time. I also can't think/talk/read/obsess over IF anymore, which has made me avoid my blog and the IF message board I like. I just have no desire to be around all IF, all the time, right now. I know that will change once we actually cycle but in the mean time, I avoid it. I don't even like talking about it to friends and family. C and I mention it occasionally but nothing like it was, it's nice but weird.
So, here we sit, stuck in the middle and not happy about it but not crying either. It's a strange place to be but we're here and making the best of it. It's been a hellish few months and I just want to get through the rest of the Summer without losing another family member and without any major setbacks to my Dad's health. I'm ready for good health and happiness.
May 24, 2011
faith? hope? what?
I know things are boring around the Hope blog lately but it's been an emotional couple of months and I just haven't felt up to blogging or posting on the IF message board I used to frequent. I am just at a really weird place in regards to IF lately. I'm tired of feeling bitter and angry and just want to feel normal again. I'd like to be able to be around baby things without it sending a horrible ache through my body. I'm having some luck with all that, I can rub my friend's baby bump, which I know is a huge no-no for so many pregnant women but I literally can't help but touch, and I'm helping plan her a shower. But I can't stand to be around too much baby talk or stay too long in a baby aisle. I just really, really want a baby.
My Dad's chemo has derailed the aim for a July IVF but we're hoping to be able to do it before winter starts. Honestly, at this point, it feels like it will never happen. Something always happens to stop us- either it's the money or some kind of family crisis. I just want to throw my hands up and tell God whatever. I know that I can plan plan plan all I want but that it won't happen until God is ready for it to happen but it is SO hard to trust that. Especially since I struggle with my faith so much these days.
Why is it so hard for me to have faith? To stay hopeful? When will we catch a frickin' break?
My Dad's chemo has derailed the aim for a July IVF but we're hoping to be able to do it before winter starts. Honestly, at this point, it feels like it will never happen. Something always happens to stop us- either it's the money or some kind of family crisis. I just want to throw my hands up and tell God whatever. I know that I can plan plan plan all I want but that it won't happen until God is ready for it to happen but it is SO hard to trust that. Especially since I struggle with my faith so much these days.
Why is it so hard for me to have faith? To stay hopeful? When will we catch a frickin' break?
March 14, 2011
peace
Climbing back out of a dark spot is always challenging for me. I over think everything and that is just exhausting. But really, everything about my life was exhausting- carrying the IF pain and guilt, being jealous of families and pregnancies, avoiding baby stores, constantly talking about IF, all the worry I carry about my folks...it's just all too much. So, I decided I'm done. I'm done with IF. I harp on and on about not letting it define me but guess what? It did and I let it for too long. I get that I'm so much more than a barren, bitter bitch. There is more to me and C than a woman who is slightly broken and a man who was born with no sperm. I know all this but yet, it still gets me so sad. I'm only human, right? Who wouldn't be brought to their knees by IF? But at what point do we say enough is enough and move on? When the treatments fail? When we're broke financially and emotionally? When all that is left is adoption or a child-free life? (I'm not knocking either or saying that adoption is what you turn to when everything else fails) When you successfully bring home a baby? Is becoming a parent the only cure for all that is IF?
I really can't stand feeling like this. All the bitterness and sadness is doing nothing for me, it doesn't change the cold hard facts- I don't ovulate, have periods and my liver is crap and C doesn't produce sperm. No amount of tears or days spent in bed is going to change that. Even bringing home a baby isn't going to change that. This is our life and it always will be. We are who we are, we were born this way. (bwahaha, any Lady Gaga fans laughing at me?) I can't change this and I guess that is ok or at least I have to find a way to live with that being ok.
After this last dark spot, I felt a nudge to go to Church. So I did and I felt more at peace than I have in years. I sat there and spent half the time talking to God and the other half listening and I left feeling happy, peaceful and centered. I smiled at babies and laughed at the children whispering how much longer to their parents. I didn't avoid the baby section at the store. I spent a couple of hours with a friend and her two month old and happily held the baby. I just feel stronger and it's nice.
So, I'm going to try this and see how it works for me. I'm going to put IF on the shelf for now and just live my life. I'm not going to worry about saving the money for IVF or what will happen if the IVF doesn't work for us. I'm going to be happy and enjoy every precious day I have. Spring is almost here so I'm going to embrace it. I want to enjoy the warm breezes, the blue skies, grilling out, the leaves returning to trees and flowers blooming. I'm going to get my butt to Church every weekend and find that peace I so desperately need.
I'm going to live my life, in spite of IF. Carpe diem, lovelies, carpe diem.
I really can't stand feeling like this. All the bitterness and sadness is doing nothing for me, it doesn't change the cold hard facts- I don't ovulate, have periods and my liver is crap and C doesn't produce sperm. No amount of tears or days spent in bed is going to change that. Even bringing home a baby isn't going to change that. This is our life and it always will be. We are who we are, we were born this way. (bwahaha, any Lady Gaga fans laughing at me?) I can't change this and I guess that is ok or at least I have to find a way to live with that being ok.
After this last dark spot, I felt a nudge to go to Church. So I did and I felt more at peace than I have in years. I sat there and spent half the time talking to God and the other half listening and I left feeling happy, peaceful and centered. I smiled at babies and laughed at the children whispering how much longer to their parents. I didn't avoid the baby section at the store. I spent a couple of hours with a friend and her two month old and happily held the baby. I just feel stronger and it's nice.
So, I'm going to try this and see how it works for me. I'm going to put IF on the shelf for now and just live my life. I'm not going to worry about saving the money for IVF or what will happen if the IVF doesn't work for us. I'm going to be happy and enjoy every precious day I have. Spring is almost here so I'm going to embrace it. I want to enjoy the warm breezes, the blue skies, grilling out, the leaves returning to trees and flowers blooming. I'm going to get my butt to Church every weekend and find that peace I so desperately need.
I'm going to live my life, in spite of IF. Carpe diem, lovelies, carpe diem.
December 12, 2010
when dreams hurt
This cold really wiped me out so I've been doing a lot of sleeping lately and with sleeping, came the dreams. Dreams that were amazing but that cause so much pain after I wake up. I dreamed of our son one night, so tiny and cute, full of little baby grunts and squeaks. In my dream, I was in awe that someone so wonderful was mine and I just held him and couldn't stop kissing him. C and I were over the moon happy and even talked about giving him his first bath together. The next day, all I could think about was that dream baby. How precious a son would be and how much I want our baby. My arms were aching to hold that dream baby again.
No wonder I then had a dream about our dream daughter. A sweet little girl all wrapped up in pink and with a closet full of the cutest clothes imaginable. She was full of smiles and cute little yawns and again, all I could do was hold her and tell her how much C and I had longed for her. My heart was overflowing in my dream, I was such a happy mommy.
Waking up was torture and again, all I can think about is our baby. My heart is aching right now for him or her, I wonder when we'll meet and how he or she will look, the books I'll read and the tiny clothes I'll wash and fold. I wonder about amazing baby snuggles, sweet baby laughs and little kicking feet covered in itty bitty socks. It brings tears to my eyes and I realize just how empty our lives are. The holidays never fail to shine a spotlight on what is missing. It's a different kind of pain than normal, it's a quiet one that whispers constantly about what we lack. In some ways, it's worse than the loud in your face screaming pain that I feel when we are in the middle of doctor appointments and surgeries.
These baby dreams don't occur often and I'm grateful for that because I couldn't keep my sanity if they did. They just seem to pop up at the worst times and break my heart into pieces. As scared as I am to cycle, I also can't wait. I pray about it every night and I pray for our child, that he or she will always know just how much C and I wanted, longed and ached for them. I pray they always know how much we love them because we already do and always will. We love a baby that doesn't exist yet, kinda crazy but totally true.
No wonder I then had a dream about our dream daughter. A sweet little girl all wrapped up in pink and with a closet full of the cutest clothes imaginable. She was full of smiles and cute little yawns and again, all I could do was hold her and tell her how much C and I had longed for her. My heart was overflowing in my dream, I was such a happy mommy.
Waking up was torture and again, all I can think about is our baby. My heart is aching right now for him or her, I wonder when we'll meet and how he or she will look, the books I'll read and the tiny clothes I'll wash and fold. I wonder about amazing baby snuggles, sweet baby laughs and little kicking feet covered in itty bitty socks. It brings tears to my eyes and I realize just how empty our lives are. The holidays never fail to shine a spotlight on what is missing. It's a different kind of pain than normal, it's a quiet one that whispers constantly about what we lack. In some ways, it's worse than the loud in your face screaming pain that I feel when we are in the middle of doctor appointments and surgeries.
These baby dreams don't occur often and I'm grateful for that because I couldn't keep my sanity if they did. They just seem to pop up at the worst times and break my heart into pieces. As scared as I am to cycle, I also can't wait. I pray about it every night and I pray for our child, that he or she will always know just how much C and I wanted, longed and ached for them. I pray they always know how much we love them because we already do and always will. We love a baby that doesn't exist yet, kinda crazy but totally true.
November 28, 2010
the Plague
The evening after Thanksgiving, once I had waved my family off, I came down with the plague. It was horrible and I've spent the past couple of days in total misery and losing 5 lbs. Now that I'm not puking every hour, I feel really run down and completely exhausted. Not to mention that my stomach feels like I've done about 500 crunches so I'm being especially pathetic and just laying around. It's nice to be a total bum :)
Although, judging from FB, I am SO behind in my Christmas decorating and feel appropriately ashamed. I mean, my Fall wreath is still on my front door! ::gasp:: However, I did shuffle around the house earlier and gather my Fall decor in one place to be packed away soon. I managed to talk myself out of climbing into the attic to grab what Christmas decor I could because I don't want to over-do it. Instead, I'm all cozy in bed watching Ghost.Adventures and waiting on laundry to dry.
Laundry because I have to pack our stuff since we're heading home tomorrow to visit C's family from California. His big brother, the one with three kids under four conceived quickly and easily. The brother who offered to be our sperm donor and then suddenly went quiet. We haven't seen them in over a year and a half, not since we learned of C's azoo. I'm dreading this visit for all these reasons but also because our nephews and niece look like they could be C's children. I'm afraid of watching C with these kids, I know it's going to hurt. Just like it hurts C to watch me with my niece who could be my mini-me.
::sigh:: It's going to be a long week.
Although, judging from FB, I am SO behind in my Christmas decorating and feel appropriately ashamed. I mean, my Fall wreath is still on my front door! ::gasp:: However, I did shuffle around the house earlier and gather my Fall decor in one place to be packed away soon. I managed to talk myself out of climbing into the attic to grab what Christmas decor I could because I don't want to over-do it. Instead, I'm all cozy in bed watching Ghost.Adventures and waiting on laundry to dry.
Laundry because I have to pack our stuff since we're heading home tomorrow to visit C's family from California. His big brother, the one with three kids under four conceived quickly and easily. The brother who offered to be our sperm donor and then suddenly went quiet. We haven't seen them in over a year and a half, not since we learned of C's azoo. I'm dreading this visit for all these reasons but also because our nephews and niece look like they could be C's children. I'm afraid of watching C with these kids, I know it's going to hurt. Just like it hurts C to watch me with my niece who could be my mini-me.
::sigh:: It's going to be a long week.
November 15, 2010
IF is creeping back in
The closer we get to the end of the year, the more IF is creeping back into our lives: it's in our conversations as we plan our 2011, as we make doctor appointments, as we read the adoption books, coming across the pregnancy tests I bought a week before the azoo dx, coming across the large manila folder in our office closet with all our IF information and of course, with all the Christmas excitement.
I adore Christmas. I decorate the house inside and out, listen to Christmas music almost nonstop, happily send out loads of cards, shop & bake like crazy and revel in all the magic of the season. Throw in parties with friends, ice skating and ohhing and ahhing over light displays and you have my very packed December. But I love it, always have. But the past couple of years have really brought out my inner Scrooge. Bah humbug at it's finest with me crying a lot, being a total snarky bitch at family gatherings and me wondering if I'll ever share the Christmas magic with our child.
I manage to get through it by, um, drinking when I can and escaping back to AR the first minute we can because we always go home for Christmas. My Dad's health is too fragile for me to miss a Christmas with him. Last year C really pushed for us to go away this year but in the end, we just can't out of fear for my Dad's health. This year will be even more challenging because C won't be able to make the trip to TX due to work. I'll be on my own and that makes me sad, we haven't spent a Christmas apart since we were teenagers.
This all makes me hate the shadow IF has cast over our lives so much more. I feel so robbed of a normal life and it's hard to not be a bitter bitch. I was feeling so burnt out after we canceled our cycle in June, I was ready to just live it all behind and go get lost somewhere for a while. C and I were fighting a lot and it was just all too much. Once we got back on track, we had the best Summer ever. I know I've mentioned this before but it was amazing and full of happiness. I was sad to see it leave but Fall has been wonderful in it's own way too. I am just terrified of going back to that dark place again, I am terrified of cycling but I am also ready to get it all started. Does that make any sense? I guess I'm scared but I want our child more than I'm scared. Again, am I making any sense? lol
My fear of dealing with IF makes me hesitant to blog or be a part of the IF message board I usually frequent, which sucks and I'm sorry. I am really going to make more of an effort so be prepared to put up with me again!
I adore Christmas. I decorate the house inside and out, listen to Christmas music almost nonstop, happily send out loads of cards, shop & bake like crazy and revel in all the magic of the season. Throw in parties with friends, ice skating and ohhing and ahhing over light displays and you have my very packed December. But I love it, always have. But the past couple of years have really brought out my inner Scrooge. Bah humbug at it's finest with me crying a lot, being a total snarky bitch at family gatherings and me wondering if I'll ever share the Christmas magic with our child.
I manage to get through it by, um, drinking when I can and escaping back to AR the first minute we can because we always go home for Christmas. My Dad's health is too fragile for me to miss a Christmas with him. Last year C really pushed for us to go away this year but in the end, we just can't out of fear for my Dad's health. This year will be even more challenging because C won't be able to make the trip to TX due to work. I'll be on my own and that makes me sad, we haven't spent a Christmas apart since we were teenagers.
This all makes me hate the shadow IF has cast over our lives so much more. I feel so robbed of a normal life and it's hard to not be a bitter bitch. I was feeling so burnt out after we canceled our cycle in June, I was ready to just live it all behind and go get lost somewhere for a while. C and I were fighting a lot and it was just all too much. Once we got back on track, we had the best Summer ever. I know I've mentioned this before but it was amazing and full of happiness. I was sad to see it leave but Fall has been wonderful in it's own way too. I am just terrified of going back to that dark place again, I am terrified of cycling but I am also ready to get it all started. Does that make any sense? I guess I'm scared but I want our child more than I'm scared. Again, am I making any sense? lol
My fear of dealing with IF makes me hesitant to blog or be a part of the IF message board I usually frequent, which sucks and I'm sorry. I am really going to make more of an effort so be prepared to put up with me again!
July 24, 2010
100 posts
So, here it is, my 100th post. It only took me practically 2 years of blogging to get here! I have postponed the giveaway since I am still in TX because of my Dad's health issues. We're waiting on some tests to see what the next step is but I'm really worried about him. I loathe seeing my Dad like this and I hate spending time in hospitals so I'm pretty grumpy these days. Lucky C!
Anyway, being back home is always an interesting experience for me. On one hand, I adore our families and love spending time with everyone. But, on the other hand, I never feel as infertile as I do when I'm around them. I just feel absolutely barren and empty when I'm here. Seeing C's old crib at my IL's makes me wonder if our child will ever sleep in it, just as my other nephews and niece have. Watching my two nieces play together makes me wonder if I'll ever watch my child play with their cousins. Will it ever be me that pushes the stroller and wonders where the diaper bag is? Will I ever complain about missed naps, disobedient toddlers and shopping for school supplies? When will I be the mommy the cute baby is crawling towards? When will it be our turn? Why hasn't it been our turn yet? When can we go back home where I can not be constantly reminded just how empty my ute is?
I haven't felt like this is a while now. IF is in our lives, we don't forget it's presence, but it's easier to live with when we are back in Arkansas, which is strange because our best friends have kids and one is pregnant. But it's not as hard to be IF when I'm with them as it is when I'm with my family. And it's not like anyone here is going out of their way to be hurtful, it's just that the life we've built around IF comes crumbling down when we're home. Here it doesn't matter that we sleep late, drink often and have lots of spontaneity in our activities, it makes no difference how far we've come in making a little bit of peace with IF or that we try to not be bitter and jealous. All that matters here is what we don't have and it feels like someone is shining a huge spotlight on our infertility, which makes it glaringly obvious what is missing and what we're ignoring.
We're infertile, how the hell did I manage to forget that?
Anyway, being back home is always an interesting experience for me. On one hand, I adore our families and love spending time with everyone. But, on the other hand, I never feel as infertile as I do when I'm around them. I just feel absolutely barren and empty when I'm here. Seeing C's old crib at my IL's makes me wonder if our child will ever sleep in it, just as my other nephews and niece have. Watching my two nieces play together makes me wonder if I'll ever watch my child play with their cousins. Will it ever be me that pushes the stroller and wonders where the diaper bag is? Will I ever complain about missed naps, disobedient toddlers and shopping for school supplies? When will I be the mommy the cute baby is crawling towards? When will it be our turn? Why hasn't it been our turn yet? When can we go back home where I can not be constantly reminded just how empty my ute is?
I haven't felt like this is a while now. IF is in our lives, we don't forget it's presence, but it's easier to live with when we are back in Arkansas, which is strange because our best friends have kids and one is pregnant. But it's not as hard to be IF when I'm with them as it is when I'm with my family. And it's not like anyone here is going out of their way to be hurtful, it's just that the life we've built around IF comes crumbling down when we're home. Here it doesn't matter that we sleep late, drink often and have lots of spontaneity in our activities, it makes no difference how far we've come in making a little bit of peace with IF or that we try to not be bitter and jealous. All that matters here is what we don't have and it feels like someone is shining a huge spotlight on our infertility, which makes it glaringly obvious what is missing and what we're ignoring.
We're infertile, how the hell did I manage to forget that?
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