1 year since he left me

The 10th officially marked a whole year since C walked out. Or, rather, a year since he called me and told me over the phone, like a coward. I can't stop remembering what was going on at this time last year; how I was feeling, what I was doing. There's actually not a lot I can remember, I was just so depressed. The first couple of months after he left are a big fog in my mind and I'm grateful to not really remember too much. I do know that I rarely got out of bed, I wasn't eating and I was crying so many tears that I'm surprised I didn't run out. I was also drinking, a lot. I'd crawl out of bed around 2pm, choke down some water and maybe a pickle or a carrot and then I'd sit under my covered patio, listening to sad country music and drinking. My family would come out periodically to check on me and friends would text but mainly I'd just drink and cry. I asked a lot of why questions and then I'd get so angry. I'd stumble into bed around 4am, too exhausted and drunk to process that I was crawling into our empty bed and do it all again the next day.

The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.

A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.

I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.

This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.

humbling

Never in my wildest dreams did I think C would walk out on me, even during the hardest parts. But, really, who could fathom their husband would ever leave? I was so smug about us, who finds their soulmate when they're sixteen I would ask my friends, how lucky am I to have done so I would exclaim. I would laugh that I would suck at being single and about how I could never date. I thanked God every night for my wonderful husband and constantly told C how much I loved him, how much I appreciated him and how amazing I thought he was. I insisted that I didn't believe in divorce and that people who thought marriage was hard, were doing it wrong. I loved him blindly and trusted him more than anyone else on the face of the earth. He was the center of my universe and I always said that if I lost him, I'd lose everything, especially after I lost my Dad.

Eating my words has been very humbling and it's exactly what I deserve after being such a pompous asshole. It's caused me to do a lot of self reflection the last two months and I have learned a lot about myself. Things I didn't want to acknowledge before and things I just flat out lied to myself about. But so much self reflection has also deepened my faith and it's mostly prayer getting me through the day. That's not saying I don't occasionally get angry and rage at God. I rant about the unfairness of C walking out ten months after my Dad died, I bitch about the scariness that comes from having an uncertain future and I sob because I feel like part of my soul is missing. My heart hurts most days and sometimes I wish I didn't love C so much. I ask God how he could have been so wrong about C and I question His judgement. Why give me 13 years and then have it end like this? How could C do this to me, to us? What kind of person am I to still love such a jackass?

I feel the most anger when I think about how C made a promise to my Dad when he was dying and how he has now just completely spit on my father's grave. Why build a house in TX, move my family in with us and then just walk away from it all. I just don't get it and C won't talk about that stuff. He refuses to talk about us because we're over and so I don't get closure of any kind. This isn't the man I've known for so damn long, I don't know who this person is and it makes me very sad for him.

And maybe I'm an idiot or maybe I'm in denial but I still have hope that C will come to his senses. He says things that lead me to believe he isn't 100% convinced he really wants it. But, I'm not banking on it and I'm preparing for the worst the best I can. But, I do have a tiny request, if you are the praying kind, can you please pray for the restoration of my marriage? At this point, I just can't give up quietly and slink off, that's just not who I am. I will fight for us until the judge dissolves our marriage and then I will walk out of the courtroom and never look back. It's just the way I am. But I desperately hope it doesn't come to that.

faith? hope? what?

I know things are boring around the Hope blog lately but it's been an emotional couple of months and I just haven't felt up to blogging or posting on the IF message board I used to frequent. I am just at a really weird place in regards to IF lately. I'm tired of feeling bitter and angry and just want to feel normal again. I'd like to be able to be around baby things without it sending a horrible ache through my body. I'm having some luck with all that, I can rub my friend's baby bump, which I know is a huge no-no for so many pregnant women but I literally can't help but touch, and I'm helping plan her a shower. But I can't stand to be around too much baby talk or stay too long in a baby aisle. I just really, really want a baby.

My Dad's chemo has derailed the aim for a July IVF but we're hoping to be able to do it before winter starts. Honestly, at this point, it feels like it will never happen. Something always happens to stop us- either it's the money or some kind of family crisis. I just want to throw my hands up and tell God whatever. I know that I can plan plan plan all I want but that it won't happen until God is ready for it to happen but it is SO hard to trust that. Especially since I struggle with my faith so much these days.

Why is it so hard for me to have faith? To stay hopeful? When will we catch a frickin' break?