Yep, M proposed to me Monday! It wasn't totally unexpected since I knew he had the ring but it was thrilling and amazing anyway! I despise being the center of attention so he made sure to pop the question when it was just the two of us. We were standing in front of the Christmas tree, talking about the ornaments, when he got down on one knee and told me such sweet things and asked me to marry him. I cried, of course, and covered him in kisses before texting my family and close friends! The ring is just beautiful and I love looking at it...ha!
I will never forget the look in his eyes as he was proposing, the memory of his expression will always make my heart flutter when I think back on it all. I just love this man so much! I was so afraid and hesitant to do the whole engagement thing but obviously my feelings changed. A few months ago I just really let go of my fears and embraced what I feel I've been lucky enough to be given. And I have to say that so far, I've been really happy to be his fiancee!
It's been a very emotional week. Tuesday, my sister's preeclampsia worsened and she delivered my nephew at 29 weeks and 5 days. Baby R weighed in at 2lbs, 14 oz and is 15 inches long. He is doing very well and is just the cutest little thing! He has a long road ahead but we are optimistic. My sister is doing well too but we were all terrified there for a bit. Please send out some good thoughts/vibes/prayers for them both!
So, it's been quite the week! An engagement and a new nephew, how lucky am I?!
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
December 17, 2015
July 30, 2015
Hopeful Cynic
I've always been a bit sarcastic, often times people have a hard time adjusting to my warped sense of humor. Or mistake my sarcasm for truth and blindly assume I'm serious and just an asshole. Ehh, sometimes I am though! In the throes of the IF stuff, I became very depressed, bitter, and angry. I was a ball of rage. I was dreadful to be around and just very lost. That nobody in my life had a "come to Jesus" talk with me is definitely a point of contention for me but that's a post for another day. I did eventually get on antidepressants and start therapy but it truly didn't get better for me until my divorce. Which I think is hilariously ironic.
After that, I was able to take a good look at myself and I hated what I saw, who I had become. I worked my butt off to change. I'm definitely not the unhappy, angry mess that I once was. My sister tells me often just how nice it is to have the old Amanda back. And while I'm not a bitter bitch anymore, I'm definitely not the full of hope, naive woman I once was either. Too much has happened, too many tears have been shed, and too much grief has dulled the rose colored glasses I tried so hard to keep on.
I don't really mind it either. I'm absolutely more cynical and still very sarcastic but I do have enough hope in me that I'm not exactly moping around like Eeyore. I'm a hopeful cynic, which to me means I'm realistic about how just very wrong everything can go but I'm hopeful that it won't. So I may joke a lot about marriage being awful but I'm hopeful that one day I'll actually want to be a Mrs again.
A hopeful cynic, I know it sounds like an oxymoron but it's my truth and I'm embracing it.
After that, I was able to take a good look at myself and I hated what I saw, who I had become. I worked my butt off to change. I'm definitely not the unhappy, angry mess that I once was. My sister tells me often just how nice it is to have the old Amanda back. And while I'm not a bitter bitch anymore, I'm definitely not the full of hope, naive woman I once was either. Too much has happened, too many tears have been shed, and too much grief has dulled the rose colored glasses I tried so hard to keep on.
I don't really mind it either. I'm absolutely more cynical and still very sarcastic but I do have enough hope in me that I'm not exactly moping around like Eeyore. I'm a hopeful cynic, which to me means I'm realistic about how just very wrong everything can go but I'm hopeful that it won't. So I may joke a lot about marriage being awful but I'm hopeful that one day I'll actually want to be a Mrs again.
A hopeful cynic, I know it sounds like an oxymoron but it's my truth and I'm embracing it.
November 10, 2014
Car Accidents Suck
I was a car accident over the weekend. Saturday was a super busy day for me- small nephew's baseball game, watching my diva niece, shopping for photography props, etc all which had me driving all over Houston. I had such a strange feeling that day too, traffic was heavier than usual due to a festival in Galveston so I was being very cautious. But when I realized that I desperately needed to run out to I.kea for the last three props I needed to set up for Christmas shoots, I felt a sense of dread come over me. I just ignored it and set off anyway though because it had to be done.
When I saw the car was going to merge into my lane, I laid on my horn but he just kept coming so I slowed down and braced myself. M started cussing immediately and my brain just went into auto as I put the car in park, put on my flashers, and asked him to dial 911 while I got out to check on the other driver. Luckily, nobody was hurt and the poor kid was super sweet and apologetic. My car is so banged up but his insurance is taking care of it so I'm not upset, just really glad that it wasn't much worse.
I knew almost immediately that I needed to call XH. He's paying my car insurance and my car payment so I couldn't not tell him, although I thought about it. I hadn't spoken to him in 7 months but he was surprisingly decent and was only 30% a prick. We've been in contact since then via text and he's being a human being for once, so I'm grateful for that too. It was odd hearing his voice again, I realized I had kinda missed talking to him. Which is a really odd feeling for me to have. How can I miss talking to a guy who screamed such horrible things at me? The damage he's done outweighs the good but I guess the part of me that loved him for so long just overlooks that.
Divorce is such a roller coaster. It's been two years since we split up and so it's not raw anymore but it does still bother me. I do get sad that I'm divorced but I'm not sad that I'm divorced from him, if that makes sense. I'm still processing feelings I guess, not my feelings for him, but my feelings about marriage and divorce in general. I've made peace with the fact that XH and I aren't together, I just haven't made peace with marriage or divorce. Both concepts piss me off and I'm working on figuring it all out.
When I saw the car was going to merge into my lane, I laid on my horn but he just kept coming so I slowed down and braced myself. M started cussing immediately and my brain just went into auto as I put the car in park, put on my flashers, and asked him to dial 911 while I got out to check on the other driver. Luckily, nobody was hurt and the poor kid was super sweet and apologetic. My car is so banged up but his insurance is taking care of it so I'm not upset, just really glad that it wasn't much worse.
I knew almost immediately that I needed to call XH. He's paying my car insurance and my car payment so I couldn't not tell him, although I thought about it. I hadn't spoken to him in 7 months but he was surprisingly decent and was only 30% a prick. We've been in contact since then via text and he's being a human being for once, so I'm grateful for that too. It was odd hearing his voice again, I realized I had kinda missed talking to him. Which is a really odd feeling for me to have. How can I miss talking to a guy who screamed such horrible things at me? The damage he's done outweighs the good but I guess the part of me that loved him for so long just overlooks that.
Divorce is such a roller coaster. It's been two years since we split up and so it's not raw anymore but it does still bother me. I do get sad that I'm divorced but I'm not sad that I'm divorced from him, if that makes sense. I'm still processing feelings I guess, not my feelings for him, but my feelings about marriage and divorce in general. I've made peace with the fact that XH and I aren't together, I just haven't made peace with marriage or divorce. Both concepts piss me off and I'm working on figuring it all out.
October 18, 2013
Loaded Memories
There's just so much about Fall that makes me insanely happy: the way Summer gives in, reluctantly, to Fall, decorating for Halloween, pumpkin flavored everything, pretty colored leaves that float to the ground, bright Fall skies that almost hurt your eyes, how you can pull out the leggings and boots again and keep your windows open. How the whole world seems to be settling in and getting cozy in anticipation of all the love and goodness the next 3 months bring. Needless to say, Fall is my favorite season, I just love everything about it.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
October 12, 2013
1 year since he left me
The 10th officially marked a whole year since C walked out. Or, rather, a year since he called me and told me over the phone, like a coward. I can't stop remembering what was going on at this time last year; how I was feeling, what I was doing. There's actually not a lot I can remember, I was just so depressed. The first couple of months after he left are a big fog in my mind and I'm grateful to not really remember too much. I do know that I rarely got out of bed, I wasn't eating and I was crying so many tears that I'm surprised I didn't run out. I was also drinking, a lot. I'd crawl out of bed around 2pm, choke down some water and maybe a pickle or a carrot and then I'd sit under my covered patio, listening to sad country music and drinking. My family would come out periodically to check on me and friends would text but mainly I'd just drink and cry. I asked a lot of why questions and then I'd get so angry. I'd stumble into bed around 4am, too exhausted and drunk to process that I was crawling into our empty bed and do it all again the next day.
The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.
A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.
I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.
This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.
The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.
A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.
I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.
This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.
June 9, 2013
Wild & Precious Life
It's amazing what adjusting your medication and therapy will do for a person. I feel better than I have in months and I'm doing really well. It feels damn good to have happiness and hope back in my life. I can't believe I let myself feel so bad for so long before getting help and I'm working to make sure I don't let that happen again.
It's only been 8 months since my split but it really feels like it's been much, much longer. I feel 100% different now than I did in October. I feel strong, healthy, happy and capable. I never thought I could live without him but look at me, living and shit. Not just living but thriving! My life feels full and complete, which is something that amazes me. During my marriage, especially the last couple of years, something felt like it was missing. I just assumed it was the infertility and my Dad's illness and eventual death causing me to feel that way. I never thought it was something with C and me but after the split, I was convinced it was C that caused my unhappiness.
It took me some time to realize that nothing was causing my unhappiness but myself. I desperately missed my family and moving back to TX filled a big part of that hole. I didn't realize just how much I needed them in my life and just how much being away from them played a part in my depression. Once I started working, I again realized that another part of my unhappiness was that I needed to be productive again. Reconnecting with my old friends also made me see that I needed that too, the friends who have known me since we were kids. I adore the friends I made in AR and they are still my very dear friends but there's just something about the friends who knew you when you were awkward and weird that just feels different.
I feel C's absence in many ways and of course I miss the guy. But now we're totally different people and we don't fit into each others lives anymore. Realizing that helped me a ton, realizing that only I was responsible for my happiness was the final missing piece. This is my life, my one wild and precious life and I get to choose how it plays out. I live for myself now and it feels damn good! The great thing about falling into a million pieces is that you get to choose which pieces you use to rebuild yourself. I am rebuilding myself into someone I actually like, someone who is happy. I am leaving the negative on the floor and walking away from it.
Losing C destroyed me but in the aftermath, I found myself. I finally feel like I'm on my on my way to living my best life, to being the best Amanda possible. I hate that my marriage is over and I still think C left in the shittiest way possible but he also gave me back to myself. He freed me. The two best things he ever did for me was marry me and leave me because both changed my life in profound ways and I am a better person for it.
Letting go and moving on have been the best, worst and most amazing experiences. Starting over is the hardest thing to do but I can't wait to share it all with you. I finally have dating adventures to share and wow, have I come across some interesting guys!
It's only been 8 months since my split but it really feels like it's been much, much longer. I feel 100% different now than I did in October. I feel strong, healthy, happy and capable. I never thought I could live without him but look at me, living and shit. Not just living but thriving! My life feels full and complete, which is something that amazes me. During my marriage, especially the last couple of years, something felt like it was missing. I just assumed it was the infertility and my Dad's illness and eventual death causing me to feel that way. I never thought it was something with C and me but after the split, I was convinced it was C that caused my unhappiness.
It took me some time to realize that nothing was causing my unhappiness but myself. I desperately missed my family and moving back to TX filled a big part of that hole. I didn't realize just how much I needed them in my life and just how much being away from them played a part in my depression. Once I started working, I again realized that another part of my unhappiness was that I needed to be productive again. Reconnecting with my old friends also made me see that I needed that too, the friends who have known me since we were kids. I adore the friends I made in AR and they are still my very dear friends but there's just something about the friends who knew you when you were awkward and weird that just feels different.
I feel C's absence in many ways and of course I miss the guy. But now we're totally different people and we don't fit into each others lives anymore. Realizing that helped me a ton, realizing that only I was responsible for my happiness was the final missing piece. This is my life, my one wild and precious life and I get to choose how it plays out. I live for myself now and it feels damn good! The great thing about falling into a million pieces is that you get to choose which pieces you use to rebuild yourself. I am rebuilding myself into someone I actually like, someone who is happy. I am leaving the negative on the floor and walking away from it.
Losing C destroyed me but in the aftermath, I found myself. I finally feel like I'm on my on my way to living my best life, to being the best Amanda possible. I hate that my marriage is over and I still think C left in the shittiest way possible but he also gave me back to myself. He freed me. The two best things he ever did for me was marry me and leave me because both changed my life in profound ways and I am a better person for it.
Letting go and moving on have been the best, worst and most amazing experiences. Starting over is the hardest thing to do but I can't wait to share it all with you. I finally have dating adventures to share and wow, have I come across some interesting guys!
December 28, 2012
dating and all that jazz
My first Christmas without C was much harder than I thought it would be. I was fine Christmas Eve, had a blast with my family. But Christmas Day was just awful and I was so sad. I made myself not call or text him and that was so damn hard. I did send him an email just before midnight but all it said was Merry Christmas and that I was sending him my love. He, of course, didn't contact me so that should tell me everything, shouldn't it? I'm a damn fool and need to move on with my life. I've been going out a lot with friends and that has been fun. I met a guy about a month ago and he was very persistent about taking me on a date but in the end, I turned him down. He is only 24 and I just wasn't ready, I don't know, the age thing shouldn't be a factor but I felt like we were just too different.
So, no dating just yet. I'm torn on being ready or not and everyone in my life either thinks it's too soon or that I should immediately get laid. I think I'm content being by myself so I'm not actively trying to meet anyone but if I do, then that's fine. I did have drinks with friends recently and one of them brought their single guy friend who was cute. We flirted, which was nice, but nothing came of it. After being all worried about knowing how to flirt, I slipped right into it. Think it helps that I had a good buzz going! I ended up getting drunk and my guy BFF had to drive me home. Guy BFF is R and he's awesome, known him since we were little high school sophomores and he's been amazing and supportive. R knows how to make me feel wonderful and says all the right things, he's a bit of a man-whore but I adore him. We never dated or hooked up but I think there is definite potential for a friends with benefits thing later on.
Being single is a whole new world and sometimes, it really, really sucks but other times, I'm having so much fun! I like going out and getting drinks with friends without the thought of C in the back of my mind. It's nice to not constantly be worried about him or thinking about him. I'm free and as scary as that is, it's also kinda nice. My future is wide open and the possibilities are endless. Sometimes that can overwhelm me but there are times that the sadness lifts just enough for me to see clearly and that's when I feel the strongest. Like maybe I can do this, maybe I can let C go and move on with my life. Maybe I can accept the divorce. Maybe it is the right thing.
Or maybe I'm an idiot trying to talk myself into being ok with this mess. Time will tell.
So, no dating just yet. I'm torn on being ready or not and everyone in my life either thinks it's too soon or that I should immediately get laid. I think I'm content being by myself so I'm not actively trying to meet anyone but if I do, then that's fine. I did have drinks with friends recently and one of them brought their single guy friend who was cute. We flirted, which was nice, but nothing came of it. After being all worried about knowing how to flirt, I slipped right into it. Think it helps that I had a good buzz going! I ended up getting drunk and my guy BFF had to drive me home. Guy BFF is R and he's awesome, known him since we were little high school sophomores and he's been amazing and supportive. R knows how to make me feel wonderful and says all the right things, he's a bit of a man-whore but I adore him. We never dated or hooked up but I think there is definite potential for a friends with benefits thing later on.
Being single is a whole new world and sometimes, it really, really sucks but other times, I'm having so much fun! I like going out and getting drinks with friends without the thought of C in the back of my mind. It's nice to not constantly be worried about him or thinking about him. I'm free and as scary as that is, it's also kinda nice. My future is wide open and the possibilities are endless. Sometimes that can overwhelm me but there are times that the sadness lifts just enough for me to see clearly and that's when I feel the strongest. Like maybe I can do this, maybe I can let C go and move on with my life. Maybe I can accept the divorce. Maybe it is the right thing.
Or maybe I'm an idiot trying to talk myself into being ok with this mess. Time will tell.
December 12, 2012
humbling
Never in my wildest dreams did I think C would walk out on me, even during the hardest parts. But, really, who could fathom their husband would ever leave? I was so smug about us, who finds their soulmate when they're sixteen I would ask my friends, how lucky am I to have done so I would exclaim. I would laugh that I would suck at being single and about how I could never date. I thanked God every night for my wonderful husband and constantly told C how much I loved him, how much I appreciated him and how amazing I thought he was. I insisted that I didn't believe in divorce and that people who thought marriage was hard, were doing it wrong. I loved him blindly and trusted him more than anyone else on the face of the earth. He was the center of my universe and I always said that if I lost him, I'd lose everything, especially after I lost my Dad.
Eating my words has been very humbling and it's exactly what I deserve after being such a pompous asshole. It's caused me to do a lot of self reflection the last two months and I have learned a lot about myself. Things I didn't want to acknowledge before and things I just flat out lied to myself about. But so much self reflection has also deepened my faith and it's mostly prayer getting me through the day. That's not saying I don't occasionally get angry and rage at God. I rant about the unfairness of C walking out ten months after my Dad died, I bitch about the scariness that comes from having an uncertain future and I sob because I feel like part of my soul is missing. My heart hurts most days and sometimes I wish I didn't love C so much. I ask God how he could have been so wrong about C and I question His judgement. Why give me 13 years and then have it end like this? How could C do this to me, to us? What kind of person am I to still love such a jackass?
I feel the most anger when I think about how C made a promise to my Dad when he was dying and how he has now just completely spit on my father's grave. Why build a house in TX, move my family in with us and then just walk away from it all. I just don't get it and C won't talk about that stuff. He refuses to talk about us because we're over and so I don't get closure of any kind. This isn't the man I've known for so damn long, I don't know who this person is and it makes me very sad for him.
And maybe I'm an idiot or maybe I'm in denial but I still have hope that C will come to his senses. He says things that lead me to believe he isn't 100% convinced he really wants it. But, I'm not banking on it and I'm preparing for the worst the best I can. But, I do have a tiny request, if you are the praying kind, can you please pray for the restoration of my marriage? At this point, I just can't give up quietly and slink off, that's just not who I am. I will fight for us until the judge dissolves our marriage and then I will walk out of the courtroom and never look back. It's just the way I am. But I desperately hope it doesn't come to that.
Eating my words has been very humbling and it's exactly what I deserve after being such a pompous asshole. It's caused me to do a lot of self reflection the last two months and I have learned a lot about myself. Things I didn't want to acknowledge before and things I just flat out lied to myself about. But so much self reflection has also deepened my faith and it's mostly prayer getting me through the day. That's not saying I don't occasionally get angry and rage at God. I rant about the unfairness of C walking out ten months after my Dad died, I bitch about the scariness that comes from having an uncertain future and I sob because I feel like part of my soul is missing. My heart hurts most days and sometimes I wish I didn't love C so much. I ask God how he could have been so wrong about C and I question His judgement. Why give me 13 years and then have it end like this? How could C do this to me, to us? What kind of person am I to still love such a jackass?
I feel the most anger when I think about how C made a promise to my Dad when he was dying and how he has now just completely spit on my father's grave. Why build a house in TX, move my family in with us and then just walk away from it all. I just don't get it and C won't talk about that stuff. He refuses to talk about us because we're over and so I don't get closure of any kind. This isn't the man I've known for so damn long, I don't know who this person is and it makes me very sad for him.
And maybe I'm an idiot or maybe I'm in denial but I still have hope that C will come to his senses. He says things that lead me to believe he isn't 100% convinced he really wants it. But, I'm not banking on it and I'm preparing for the worst the best I can. But, I do have a tiny request, if you are the praying kind, can you please pray for the restoration of my marriage? At this point, I just can't give up quietly and slink off, that's just not who I am. I will fight for us until the judge dissolves our marriage and then I will walk out of the courtroom and never look back. It's just the way I am. But I desperately hope it doesn't come to that.
July 21, 2012
Our Unusual Summer
I'm not sure what's up with my body but it's been messing with me lately. I'm guessing it's finally being on thyroid medicine and the correct dosage of met.formin that is doing it. But after ten years of no/seldom periods, I've had two this Summer. The entire month of May, which was just as fun as it sounds, and now again. AF is making me feel like a teenage girl again too, I'm super emotional and craving chocolate, which I normally hate. I'm an emotional basket case and it's driving me crazy! C is being really sweet with me, I have no clue what I'd do without that man. He's indulging my cravings for ice cream cones, rubbing my back, picking up Mid.ol for me and just being an all around great husband.
AF aside, things have been hectic and stressful in our house as we pack, move and try to close on two houses. Our Arkansas house closing has been pushed twice and it's so frustrating seeing how we already moved everything to Texas. We are currently camped out in the living room, eating take out all the time and no entertainment other than a radio, my Nook and our laptops. We were only suppose to be here for two days so we only brought one suitcase back here and have had to run out and buy more clothes. Oddly enough, it's not as miserable as it could be. We're having a lot of fun and watching a ton of movies, although we are so sick of take out! We should find out early next week when we're finally closing and once that is determined, I'll know when we can close on the TX house. Once we're back in TX and waiting, we'll be staying with my ILs. Pray for me.
We celebrated six years of marriage last weekend, but didn't really do much. Went out for a casual dinner since we have nothing nice to wear and went for a ride on the motorcycle. After the crap we put our marriage through this past Spring, we were just so happy to be in a good place that it didn't matter what we did to celebrate. We have a tradition of watching our wedding video and luckily it was still in the house so we were able to watch it. Made me really sad to see my Dad and both Grandpas that have since passed. The grieving is getting better but it still hurts something awful.
I miss normalcy. And our bed and watching tv and having more than 4 pairs of shorts and 5 shirts and mostly, home cooked food. I'm ready to officially end this chapter of our lives and start the new one. Ready for a change and to live near family after 6 years of living away from them. Ready, so ready!
Be blessed, lovies and enjoy your weekend!
AF aside, things have been hectic and stressful in our house as we pack, move and try to close on two houses. Our Arkansas house closing has been pushed twice and it's so frustrating seeing how we already moved everything to Texas. We are currently camped out in the living room, eating take out all the time and no entertainment other than a radio, my Nook and our laptops. We were only suppose to be here for two days so we only brought one suitcase back here and have had to run out and buy more clothes. Oddly enough, it's not as miserable as it could be. We're having a lot of fun and watching a ton of movies, although we are so sick of take out! We should find out early next week when we're finally closing and once that is determined, I'll know when we can close on the TX house. Once we're back in TX and waiting, we'll be staying with my ILs. Pray for me.
We celebrated six years of marriage last weekend, but didn't really do much. Went out for a casual dinner since we have nothing nice to wear and went for a ride on the motorcycle. After the crap we put our marriage through this past Spring, we were just so happy to be in a good place that it didn't matter what we did to celebrate. We have a tradition of watching our wedding video and luckily it was still in the house so we were able to watch it. Made me really sad to see my Dad and both Grandpas that have since passed. The grieving is getting better but it still hurts something awful.
I miss normalcy. And our bed and watching tv and having more than 4 pairs of shorts and 5 shirts and mostly, home cooked food. I'm ready to officially end this chapter of our lives and start the new one. Ready for a change and to live near family after 6 years of living away from them. Ready, so ready!
Be blessed, lovies and enjoy your weekend!
September 6, 2011
Some honesty
I've struggled with writing this post for some time now. It's just so personal and so painful and you wouldn't think it would be since I have this blog and share my life with strangers but I am actually a fairly private person. I know a lot about my friends but they only know small glimpses of my life bc I rather not share too much. I am the master at letting people think they know me while keeping my feelings private. I joke a lot about sex and make inappropriate comments frequently but I don't get too deep with anybody. I like to protect my heart by not revealing too much of it. And sometimes this tumbles over into my marriage and causes problems.
When I am hurting, I just completely shut down and close into myself. I push everyone away, including C...well, mostly C. I just become too overwhelmed with it all and can only find solace in myself. The infertility didn't have this effect on me but all of this cancer shit with my Dad has just brought me to my knees. I simply cannot do anything to lessen this pain; a constant pain and fear that rages and whispers and is never silent. He's sick, he has stage 3 colon cancer and the prognosis isn't great. I am going to lose him, it's just a matter of when. This is something I just really can't process, my mind rejects it and my heart denies it.
So, my way of coping is pushing C away and straining our marriage. Aren't I just a fucking genius? During my recent long visit to TX, I just made up my mind to finally tell C just how unhappy I was. And to my shock, he responded the exact same way. We were both utterly miserable. This led to several very long talks about what to do about it. He flew to Houston at the end of my visit to see our families and drive back with me and on that 8 hour drive, we cried and talked quietly about walking away. There was no yelling, no name calling, no big blow up. We talked about just how incredibly hard it is to live with infertility and how much damage the initial diagnoses did to us. We talked about how it changed us individually and as a couple. We talked about what my Dad's illness has done to me, to us. How we have just had one hit after another to endure. We talked about if we wanted to stay married to a person who has changed so much. Sometimes it just hurts too much.
I love C desperately, he is my best friend in the whole world. He is the only person on this planet that makes me feel like me. He is my home, my heart, my harbor. I was praying during the whole drive that he still felt that way about me. I can't tell you how happy my heart was when he turned to me and told me he loved me and that we were worth fighting for. Once we both talked out all the hurt and pain, we just knew that we have no choice but to right the wrongs and make us stronger. We have been through a lot and it's just so easy to wallow in it and let it overtake us. But that is such a weak, lame move. We are stronger than this, we can get through this and it won't be easy but we're ok with that.
In the (almost) 12 years of us, we thought we had built a strong foundation and while I think it still is, infertility and a parent's illness showed us the weak spots. Now we are working on us and it feels right. The bad is still there and it's going to get worse, I know my darkest days lie ahead with actually losing my Dad. I also know that losing him will forever change me and that I'll live with some degree of grief for the rest of my life. I don't like thinking about it but I know that I have C to lean on. I know we can face that together. My life will go on and the best way to honor my Dad will be to live it to the fullest and to love with all my heart.
I also know that IVF lies ahead of us but whether it is a success or a failure, the ending won't change. The ending has already been determined. We will be parents, regardless.
When I am hurting, I just completely shut down and close into myself. I push everyone away, including C...well, mostly C. I just become too overwhelmed with it all and can only find solace in myself. The infertility didn't have this effect on me but all of this cancer shit with my Dad has just brought me to my knees. I simply cannot do anything to lessen this pain; a constant pain and fear that rages and whispers and is never silent. He's sick, he has stage 3 colon cancer and the prognosis isn't great. I am going to lose him, it's just a matter of when. This is something I just really can't process, my mind rejects it and my heart denies it.
So, my way of coping is pushing C away and straining our marriage. Aren't I just a fucking genius? During my recent long visit to TX, I just made up my mind to finally tell C just how unhappy I was. And to my shock, he responded the exact same way. We were both utterly miserable. This led to several very long talks about what to do about it. He flew to Houston at the end of my visit to see our families and drive back with me and on that 8 hour drive, we cried and talked quietly about walking away. There was no yelling, no name calling, no big blow up. We talked about just how incredibly hard it is to live with infertility and how much damage the initial diagnoses did to us. We talked about how it changed us individually and as a couple. We talked about what my Dad's illness has done to me, to us. How we have just had one hit after another to endure. We talked about if we wanted to stay married to a person who has changed so much. Sometimes it just hurts too much.
I love C desperately, he is my best friend in the whole world. He is the only person on this planet that makes me feel like me. He is my home, my heart, my harbor. I was praying during the whole drive that he still felt that way about me. I can't tell you how happy my heart was when he turned to me and told me he loved me and that we were worth fighting for. Once we both talked out all the hurt and pain, we just knew that we have no choice but to right the wrongs and make us stronger. We have been through a lot and it's just so easy to wallow in it and let it overtake us. But that is such a weak, lame move. We are stronger than this, we can get through this and it won't be easy but we're ok with that.
In the (almost) 12 years of us, we thought we had built a strong foundation and while I think it still is, infertility and a parent's illness showed us the weak spots. Now we are working on us and it feels right. The bad is still there and it's going to get worse, I know my darkest days lie ahead with actually losing my Dad. I also know that losing him will forever change me and that I'll live with some degree of grief for the rest of my life. I don't like thinking about it but I know that I have C to lean on. I know we can face that together. My life will go on and the best way to honor my Dad will be to live it to the fullest and to love with all my heart.
I also know that IVF lies ahead of us but whether it is a success or a failure, the ending won't change. The ending has already been determined. We will be parents, regardless.
June 18, 2009
Maybe I'm not lost
For an unknown reason, this past failed cycle hit C and me pretty hard. Don't get me wrong, they are all sad, hard, frustrating and a million other things but this one in particular was a real heart-breaker. It just touched a nerve with us and we didn't handle it very well. For the past 14 months of TTC, we have talked at length about my feelings, my pain and my issues but apparently I failed at asking about his own thoughts. I hadn't put a lot of thought into how my IF issues affected C, I guess I was just too selfish to consider his feelings or too dumb to think that they did affect him. C is not big on talking about his feelings or fears, don't get me wrong, this guy will sit for hours with me and talk about all kinds of mindless chatter but rarely do I see his emotional side.
He's always been my rock and he is so strong that I just assumed he would tell me how he was feeling. But the failure of our last cycle touched off something that was simmering there and we had a big fight last week. Now there is this new frailty in our relationship that is very strange. Suddenly all my IF issues seem so real, so concrete and it's no longer just my problem but our problem. I feel like the worst wife in the world for not seeing his pain. I've spent the last 14 months apologizing to him for being so broken and feeling like an incomplete woman and now I finally see his side of this. His pain at not being able to fix this for me, his sadness at watching me deal with this and his frustration with how much IF sucks. I can now see that even my strong husband is struggling to handle it all and maybe I'm not so weak after all for not being able to cope with IF.
Oddly enough, the big fight was the best thing for us. Yes, there is a sense of frailty now but there is also an amazing amount of tenderness and understanding. We're acting like newlyweds again and have connected on a level that makes me feel safe and secure. We've been together for almost 10 years and we have seen each other through really, really hard times but nothing like this. We've always made making our relationship strong a priority and he's always been my partner in crime but this new level of closeness is astounding. I just don't feel like the same person anymore and I know that together, C and I can kick IF's ass. It's still going to be hard and painful but as long as we lean on each other, we will get through this. I can get through anything with C, he truly is the greatest guy.
I have felt so lost throughout all this, especially when my Dad got so sick but I don't feel like that anymore. I feel stronger and I am so excited for our next doctor appointment. It's a couple of weeks away and we'll be taking the next step, whatever it is, in treating/dealing with my IF. I can't wait to see what is next for us.
He's always been my rock and he is so strong that I just assumed he would tell me how he was feeling. But the failure of our last cycle touched off something that was simmering there and we had a big fight last week. Now there is this new frailty in our relationship that is very strange. Suddenly all my IF issues seem so real, so concrete and it's no longer just my problem but our problem. I feel like the worst wife in the world for not seeing his pain. I've spent the last 14 months apologizing to him for being so broken and feeling like an incomplete woman and now I finally see his side of this. His pain at not being able to fix this for me, his sadness at watching me deal with this and his frustration with how much IF sucks. I can now see that even my strong husband is struggling to handle it all and maybe I'm not so weak after all for not being able to cope with IF.
Oddly enough, the big fight was the best thing for us. Yes, there is a sense of frailty now but there is also an amazing amount of tenderness and understanding. We're acting like newlyweds again and have connected on a level that makes me feel safe and secure. We've been together for almost 10 years and we have seen each other through really, really hard times but nothing like this. We've always made making our relationship strong a priority and he's always been my partner in crime but this new level of closeness is astounding. I just don't feel like the same person anymore and I know that together, C and I can kick IF's ass. It's still going to be hard and painful but as long as we lean on each other, we will get through this. I can get through anything with C, he truly is the greatest guy.
I have felt so lost throughout all this, especially when my Dad got so sick but I don't feel like that anymore. I feel stronger and I am so excited for our next doctor appointment. It's a couple of weeks away and we'll be taking the next step, whatever it is, in treating/dealing with my IF. I can't wait to see what is next for us.
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