The calendar is about to turn to October and if you've been following me since the start, then you know how much I adore Autumn. I love everything about this season and October has long been my most favorite month. But, now, it's really lost a lot of it's appeal. You see, October is when XH and I became us, all those years ago. In fact, it would have been 15 years this month. Instead whatever use to be us is forever lost and frozen in time at thirteen years. The other thing that makes this month hard is the other significant date that coincidentally also happened in October. And that is the date XH called me and confessed his desire for a divorce. I have a thing about synchronicity and the fact that we both started and ended in October just resonates with me. Never-mind that we married in July and our divorce finalized in December. Even though those actual dates show synchronicity too, but I digress.
October is also the month my Dad had his massive bilateral stroke in 2008. That set us down the path of colon cancer and the slow realization that his time with us was very limited. We ended up starting hospice care for him three years later in October 2011 and he died five weeks later, in December.
It's the above reasons that make October and December so bittersweet, so emotionally taxing. I'm happily decorating the house in all it's Halloween splendor. I'm gleefully buying/drinking/eating all the pumpkin spiced goods. I'm thrilled to be planning trips to the corn maze, pumpkin patch, haunted houses, and the Renaissance Festival. I haven't yet pulled out the leggings, tights, light sweaters, and boots because Houston hasn't gotten the memo that Autumn has officially started, but I know it's only a matter of time! The coziness of the next three months is about to start and I do love it. But, fuck, it's bittersweet.
Things have been hard lately, I'm not going to lie. My health issues are a hard pill to swallow. Things are weird with a couple of my friends. I'm stressed about my continued non-luck with job hunting. And, this shit with XH is weighing on me too. Add to that some pregnancy announcements and me missing my Dad and it makes for one emotional Amanda.
::September 28th was my 6th blogoversary! Imagine me throwing confetti all over you and giving you a huge hug. If you are ever in my hood, I'm totally buying you a drink! Much love to all of you who have been here from the early days, if you in fact are still following along..lol::
Showing posts with label fall. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fall. Show all posts
September 29, 2014
November 14, 2013
Weirdness
Things have been weird lately. Not super weird, but a little weird. Weird enough to give me a feeling of uneasiness. I don't like it because it makes me think there's something coming my way and I really don't like to be caught unprepared. I need a sense of control over my life and that's not surprising considering my Dad's death and my divorce both spun my world out of control. Issues? Why, yes, I do have issues now. Thanks for noticing!
Saturday will officially mark a year since I filed for divorce, a divorce that still is NOT FINAL. Coming to an agreement over our finances has proven to be quite problematic. Now his lawyer is threatening going to court, which my lawyer laughs at because we would slaughter him in court with the pictures I have of him making out with a stupid skank. Not to mention the phone records and friends who have all said the relationship started during our marriage. We filed for divorce in a very conservative district, you know, good ol' boys and all that jazz. And they don't take kindly to men who cheat on their grieving wives so soon after a death in the family.
Despite the issues with our agreement, we actually don't fight when we do talk. He calls me just about every three days, just to check in on the progress with the divorce or to ask me a stupid question. He then chats my ear off about work, his friends or a hobby he's recently taken up. It's just so odd to talk to him like we're friends, like we've never seen each other naked or loved each other or married each other, for that matter. I keep my guard up with him and never discuss anything of true depth. Just house stuff or car stuff or something funny my nephews and nieces said/did.
The Cowboy gets increasingly annoyed by these phone calls. One lasted about an hour and I could tell it bothered him. I'm not sure why I stay on the phone or why C feels the need to call me. Or I do have a suspicion but I'd rather not think about it. I don't want C to admit to some great revelation about regretting this or still loving me. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want him anymore. Quite a turnaround from me posting last year asking for y'all to pray for my marriage's resurrection. Hindsight, yep, hindsight.
I'm still doing good. Job hunting still, which is a bitch. Still having a good time with the Cowboy. Currently having a lot of fun with NaNoWriMo and battling a slight fever. Seriously, wrote part of this with a thermometer in my mouth. Did I tell y'all I got braces last year? I went straight from my orthodontist to the lawyer's office to file for divorce so it'll be a year with them this weekend too. My teeth look amazing! And I look like a little kid and get carded all.the.time. now. It's great fun until they gasp in shock once they realize I'm 30 years old.
But, it's almost midnight here, which means it's almost Friday, which means let me end by listing a few things I'm grateful for. This week I'm grateful for:
* cold fronts! Yay for sweaters, boots and leggings!
* coffee, bc without it, I wouldn't be writing as much or able to soothe my achy throat
* Tar.get bc a trip for one item, turned into me leaving with much more
* finding the mixed tapes I made in junior high and listening to some awesome music like Immature, Dru Hill, Aaliyah and Xscape...the 90's were awesome!
* cousins who make me laugh and want to hang out, they hold some very precious memories of late family members, like my Dad and my Grandpa
Have a great weekend, soak it up and enjoy every second!
Saturday will officially mark a year since I filed for divorce, a divorce that still is NOT FINAL. Coming to an agreement over our finances has proven to be quite problematic. Now his lawyer is threatening going to court, which my lawyer laughs at because we would slaughter him in court with the pictures I have of him making out with a stupid skank. Not to mention the phone records and friends who have all said the relationship started during our marriage. We filed for divorce in a very conservative district, you know, good ol' boys and all that jazz. And they don't take kindly to men who cheat on their grieving wives so soon after a death in the family.
Despite the issues with our agreement, we actually don't fight when we do talk. He calls me just about every three days, just to check in on the progress with the divorce or to ask me a stupid question. He then chats my ear off about work, his friends or a hobby he's recently taken up. It's just so odd to talk to him like we're friends, like we've never seen each other naked or loved each other or married each other, for that matter. I keep my guard up with him and never discuss anything of true depth. Just house stuff or car stuff or something funny my nephews and nieces said/did.
The Cowboy gets increasingly annoyed by these phone calls. One lasted about an hour and I could tell it bothered him. I'm not sure why I stay on the phone or why C feels the need to call me. Or I do have a suspicion but I'd rather not think about it. I don't want C to admit to some great revelation about regretting this or still loving me. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want him anymore. Quite a turnaround from me posting last year asking for y'all to pray for my marriage's resurrection. Hindsight, yep, hindsight.
I'm still doing good. Job hunting still, which is a bitch. Still having a good time with the Cowboy. Currently having a lot of fun with NaNoWriMo and battling a slight fever. Seriously, wrote part of this with a thermometer in my mouth. Did I tell y'all I got braces last year? I went straight from my orthodontist to the lawyer's office to file for divorce so it'll be a year with them this weekend too. My teeth look amazing! And I look like a little kid and get carded all.the.time. now. It's great fun until they gasp in shock once they realize I'm 30 years old.
But, it's almost midnight here, which means it's almost Friday, which means let me end by listing a few things I'm grateful for. This week I'm grateful for:
* cold fronts! Yay for sweaters, boots and leggings!
* coffee, bc without it, I wouldn't be writing as much or able to soothe my achy throat
* Tar.get bc a trip for one item, turned into me leaving with much more
* finding the mixed tapes I made in junior high and listening to some awesome music like Immature, Dru Hill, Aaliyah and Xscape...the 90's were awesome!
* cousins who make me laugh and want to hang out, they hold some very precious memories of late family members, like my Dad and my Grandpa
Have a great weekend, soak it up and enjoy every second!
October 18, 2013
Loaded Memories
There's just so much about Fall that makes me insanely happy: the way Summer gives in, reluctantly, to Fall, decorating for Halloween, pumpkin flavored everything, pretty colored leaves that float to the ground, bright Fall skies that almost hurt your eyes, how you can pull out the leggings and boots again and keep your windows open. How the whole world seems to be settling in and getting cozy in anticipation of all the love and goodness the next 3 months bring. Needless to say, Fall is my favorite season, I just love everything about it.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
September 10, 2011
the weekend
My Dad was in the hospital almost all week, C's motorcycle decided to stop working, a birthday present I mailed to my nephew was never delivered, my skin is freaking out like I'm thirteen again, my baby fever is through the roof and C has been working a lot. So, needless to say, I am quite happy to have made it to the weekend!
I am in need of some gratitude, my reminder that I have little gold nuggets among all the chaos. This week I am grateful for:
*a cold front that brought Fall to my part of Arkansas
*completing some DIY projects that make me feel like a domestic goddess
*sleeping with our windows open
*preparing for Fall by washing heavy blankets, deep cleaning the house and putting away Summer stuff
*Friends and How I Met Your Mother marathons on tv
*visits with my good friend and her adorable newborn
*phone calls from my nephew where he blurts out he loves and misses me before excitedly telling me about his baseball game, school and a million other things
*Pumpkin Spice lattes!!
*Visits from my SIL, BIL and niece and nephew
*C making me laugh and us getting back to normal
I am not as sad to see Summer end this year as I was last year, this Summer just wasn't as golden. I am happily packing away beach towels and bathing suits and draining our super awesome kiddie pool. I am quite happy to dig out our heavy blankets, jackets and scarves. I'm looking forward to corn mazes, pumpkin carving and pretty leaves and making C bring down my Fall decor from the attic is always fun for me. The only downside is that this time of year always brings out the worst in my IF sadness. I can't help but feel like all of this Fall fun would be SO much better with our child. And it's just going to snowball straight to Christmas where I will drink my way through Christmas Eve and day...like any good Christian, Southern woman dealing with IF ; )
I am in need of some gratitude, my reminder that I have little gold nuggets among all the chaos. This week I am grateful for:
*a cold front that brought Fall to my part of Arkansas
*completing some DIY projects that make me feel like a domestic goddess
*sleeping with our windows open
*preparing for Fall by washing heavy blankets, deep cleaning the house and putting away Summer stuff
*Friends and How I Met Your Mother marathons on tv
*visits with my good friend and her adorable newborn
*phone calls from my nephew where he blurts out he loves and misses me before excitedly telling me about his baseball game, school and a million other things
*Pumpkin Spice lattes!!
*Visits from my SIL, BIL and niece and nephew
*C making me laugh and us getting back to normal
I am not as sad to see Summer end this year as I was last year, this Summer just wasn't as golden. I am happily packing away beach towels and bathing suits and draining our super awesome kiddie pool. I am quite happy to dig out our heavy blankets, jackets and scarves. I'm looking forward to corn mazes, pumpkin carving and pretty leaves and making C bring down my Fall decor from the attic is always fun for me. The only downside is that this time of year always brings out the worst in my IF sadness. I can't help but feel like all of this Fall fun would be SO much better with our child. And it's just going to snowball straight to Christmas where I will drink my way through Christmas Eve and day...like any good Christian, Southern woman dealing with IF ; )
August 22, 2010
Happy ICLW!
It's party week in the blogging world! Welcome to all newcomers, hope you're having a great day! I'm Amanda and my hubby is C. I have PCOS and I don't ovulate or have periods and he has non-obstructive azoospermia due to a Y Chromosome Micro Deletion. You can read all about it here or a shorter version is on the right. It's been hell and we're currently on a break to save for IVF and/or adoption.
It's been hotter than the 5th circle of hell around here and I need to escape. I need cooler weather and pretty leaves and all things pumpkin so let's share our favorite things about Fall!
I love the crisp, cool air and the feeling of change in the air. Taking walks around our neighborhood and seeing the pretty leaves swirl through the air, the way they crunch under my feet, which are in actual shoes rather then flip flops! Dragging out cardigans and sweaters and fabulous boots and keeping the windows open all the time to cool the house. Hitting up our local orchard to pick apples with friends and again, all things pumpkin!
ahh, I feel much more relaxed and cooled off now, don't you? Hurry up Fall!!
It's been hotter than the 5th circle of hell around here and I need to escape. I need cooler weather and pretty leaves and all things pumpkin so let's share our favorite things about Fall!
First is Halloween! I adore it and decorate like crazy and we have a big costume party every year.
Growing up in Houston, the leaves didn't do this and I LOVE it! That is Mt. Magazine here in AR
I love eating/drinking all things pumpkin related in the Fall. I am eagerly anticipating the Pumpkin Spice latte!
Camping, hiking and a fire is just Heaven to me, I can't wait!
I love the crisp, cool air and the feeling of change in the air. Taking walks around our neighborhood and seeing the pretty leaves swirl through the air, the way they crunch under my feet, which are in actual shoes rather then flip flops! Dragging out cardigans and sweaters and fabulous boots and keeping the windows open all the time to cool the house. Hitting up our local orchard to pick apples with friends and again, all things pumpkin!
ahh, I feel much more relaxed and cooled off now, don't you? Hurry up Fall!!
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