Go Home, October

The calendar is about to turn to October and if you've been following me since the start, then you know how much I adore Autumn. I love everything about this season and October has long been my most favorite month. But, now, it's really lost a lot of it's appeal. You see, October is when XH and I became us, all those years ago. In fact, it would have been 15 years this month. Instead whatever use to be us is forever lost and frozen in time at thirteen years. The other thing that makes this month hard is the other significant date that coincidentally also happened in October. And that is the date XH called me and confessed his desire for a divorce. I have a thing about synchronicity and the fact that we both started and ended in October just resonates with me. Never-mind that we married in July and our divorce finalized in December. Even though those actual dates show synchronicity too, but I digress.

October is also the month my Dad had his massive bilateral stroke in 2008. That set us down the path of colon cancer and the slow realization that his time with us was very limited. We ended up starting hospice care for him three years later in October 2011 and he died five weeks later, in December.

It's the above reasons that make October and December so bittersweet, so emotionally taxing. I'm happily decorating the house in all it's Halloween splendor. I'm gleefully buying/drinking/eating all the pumpkin spiced goods. I'm thrilled to be planning trips to the corn maze, pumpkin patch, haunted houses, and the Renaissance Festival. I haven't yet pulled out the leggings, tights, light sweaters, and boots because Houston hasn't gotten the memo that Autumn has officially started, but I know it's only a matter of time! The coziness of the next three months is about to start and I do love it. But, fuck, it's bittersweet.

Things have been hard lately, I'm not going to lie. My health issues are a hard pill to swallow. Things are weird with a couple of my friends. I'm stressed about my continued non-luck with job hunting. And, this shit with XH is weighing on me too. Add to that some pregnancy announcements and me missing my Dad and it makes for one emotional Amanda.

::September 28th was my 6th blogoversary! Imagine me throwing confetti all over you and giving you a huge hug. If you are ever in my hood, I'm totally buying you a drink! Much love to all of you who have been here from the early days, if you in fact are still following along..lol::

Things suck lately

Things lately have been not great. My health issues are popping up again and this time around, it scares the hell out of me. The first time this health stuff came to to light I was still in my twenties, married, and covered by his awesome health insurance. This time around, so much is different. It's scary and expensive and I can feel awfully alone. Because in true Amanda fashion, I'm not talking a lot about this stuff IRL. If it is brought up, I downplay it. It's overwhelming to just think about it, so my reasoning is that talking about it would probably throw me over the edge.

And now I have a huge pit in my stomach because this week sucked and now I'm going to talk about why. Ugh. XH is engaged. To the woman he left me for and emotionally cheated with. The young, tall, thin woman who I'd love to call a bunch of nasty names but am too much of a lady to do so. Just kidding, I totally would just let 'em out but I can't do the whole "shame the OW thing", it's just silly at this point. Although some days my tongue just can't be held and those days usually involve rum and a night out with the girls.

It didn't hurt, even if my pride did slightly cringe, my heart had no reaction. It irked me but in the super mature way of- "Fuck no, he can't win! He needs to be dumped!" I don't want him or to go back in time and redo all the damage for a second chance because my life now rocks (let's just ignore my health issues!) and I'm no longer the same Amanda I was back then. But wow, he sure still manages to surprise me. Engaged already. And to her. My pride is more than cringing, it's wanting to crawl under a rock with a bottle of rum.

I never imagined this being my life and most of the time, that is a positive thing because I'm happier now than I was then. But, then there are those moments where it sinks in deeper than I'd like and it aches something fierce. Times when my pride is wounded and the memories invade. Times when the depth of the hurt can't be denied. These times are fleeting and very rare. I usually stop, lick my wounds in private, enjoy some wine, and then keep on trucking.

I'll feel better tomorrow, today I'm going to wallow a little.

Small Steps

Finally got off my butt and made an appointment with a RE today! Amazingly, they are able to see me next week on the 23rd, I am super excited! I know that it might all be for nothing if the biopsy results come back zero but I'm still going to go anyway and see what can be done about my PCOS. I'm tired of seeing Dr. Insensitive (my gyno for anyone new) and I'm never going back to her again. I can't wait to call her stupid office and request they send my medical file to my RE. ha! my RE!! Not sure why, but it feels good to have made that appointment.

C's biopsy is Thursday and wow, we are all over the place with our emotions. I'll be so relieved once it's over and then I'll be a mess waiting for the results but at least we'll have definite answers. I have an appointment Friday with my gastroenterologist to check on my fatass liver. I have liver disease and we monitor it twice a year so it's just our usual appt. My doctor is a tall, very round guy and it's quite amusing to hear him lecture me on losing weight. I'm a little worried about the visit, I don't want my liver to be worse because I really don't want to stop drinking wine ;)

This has definitely been a year of doctors for C and me, I can only hope that they found tons of little swimmers and we continue having our bank acct drained by doctors. I'd gladly continue with doctor visits if it meant we'd have a baby. But, I know we all would. Damn IF.

In some unrelated baby news, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law welcomed a new baby this week, my sweet niece Jaclyn. She is their third baby in three years. I'm happy for them but the thought of seeing all 3 kids this Christmas leaves me feeling all stabby, hope nobody pisses me off when I run errands later!