Summer is usually such a fun time for me, but this one has been very different from my usual experience. No pool time and we've only been to the beach once! Total first world problems, I know! It's just been disgustingly hot and humid, the sultry nights offer no relief either. I fear our light bill every month because the ac is just running and running. Ugh. And it's barely the beginning of July, we still have two months before it'll cool off enough to even attempt to venture outside before 7pm.
M and I recently celebrated three years of us. We did a low-key date night and laughed at how quickly three years has gone by. It's crazy that it all started with an online dating site and a date to the zoo that went on long after the zoo closed. We just couldn't stop talking and not much has changed. We still talk each others ears off! I never imagined I could be loved like this, that someone would understand me without me having to explain myself, or that there was someone out there who has so much in common with me. It's a nice change of pace to be with someone like him.
Still no firm wedding plans, I really think we will just turn to each other some random day with that look and run off to elope. Something very low-key and very us. So, lots of music, some good beer, and nobody but us. There really isn't anyone else I want there, other than my family, but if we invite mine, then we'd have to include his too. And his family is a bunch of Trump lovin' crazies, so I'm not keen on that idea. My liberal, Mexican family would eat them alive.
But, then again, I'm in no rush. Marriage just doesn't hold the dream it use to! We really are quite happy with things as they are, we forget we aren't legally married. It's just other people pressuring us and bugging us with wedding talk!
Showing posts with label my relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my relationship. Show all posts
July 9, 2016
February 26, 2016
Where is my baby?
For the first time in quite some time, I had an IF breakdown the other night. I'm talking full on tears, sobs, and heartbreaking pain. I had spent the day holding my tiny nephew, just snuggling him and listening to his little noises. Watching him do that adorable little baby stretch and flash sweet smiles. It just felt so natural to be around a baby and tend to his needs. It also made me ache deep down in my soul for my baby. A baby I started trying for at the age of 25 and here I am at 33 still childless. It just all hit me that night and I let myself feel it.
M said something quite innocent to me about how we have been trying. I guess I haven't let myself really think about it and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. What if we never succeed? What if it's just too late for my body to do what seems so natural for most couples? How could I allow M to know this world of IF? Why the hell did I fall in love again when I know I'm reproductively challenged? How could I do that to him? IF contributed to my first marriage's destruction, am I crazy to think it won't do the same to this one? The guilt is just overwhelming and all consuming. I feel so horribly about it all.
M started comforting me and talking about seeing doctors, and if there are any vitamins he can take to help improve his sperm, just in case, and should we start googling to learn more about conceiving. It just was so surreal to hear those words, a variation on past conversations with XH about the same damn things. I almost screamed from rage at it all, at the fucking irony of being back in this place again. It makes me want to throw things and punch people and curl up into a little ball and cry until there are no tears left.
The IUD was removed in late May and we did use condoms for a while. We didn't call it TTC until around September but in reality, it's been almost a year since we ditched all forms of birth control. Given our ages (33 and 36), what did I expect? And now this brings up all kinds of questions about what to do about it. Do we see doctors? Do we consult Dr Google? Do we start vitamins? Do I go back down that road again of having doctors elbow deep in me to tell me things I've already heard?
When I think about that, I just feel so exhausted. I've already had that experience and I truly don't think I have it in me to do that again. I truly have no desire to hear another doctor order an HSG, prescribe meds that make me crazy, or hold his hand through a SA. It's too much to go through again. I cannot keep my sanity through more of that. I panic at the thought of researching IUI and IVF again. The PTSD from it all is very real and manageable now, I'm not sure my mind can handle it again.
So, I'm not sure what will happen. All I do know is that I keep thinking where is my baby? And it's draining.
M said something quite innocent to me about how we have been trying. I guess I haven't let myself really think about it and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. What if we never succeed? What if it's just too late for my body to do what seems so natural for most couples? How could I allow M to know this world of IF? Why the hell did I fall in love again when I know I'm reproductively challenged? How could I do that to him? IF contributed to my first marriage's destruction, am I crazy to think it won't do the same to this one? The guilt is just overwhelming and all consuming. I feel so horribly about it all.
M started comforting me and talking about seeing doctors, and if there are any vitamins he can take to help improve his sperm, just in case, and should we start googling to learn more about conceiving. It just was so surreal to hear those words, a variation on past conversations with XH about the same damn things. I almost screamed from rage at it all, at the fucking irony of being back in this place again. It makes me want to throw things and punch people and curl up into a little ball and cry until there are no tears left.
The IUD was removed in late May and we did use condoms for a while. We didn't call it TTC until around September but in reality, it's been almost a year since we ditched all forms of birth control. Given our ages (33 and 36), what did I expect? And now this brings up all kinds of questions about what to do about it. Do we see doctors? Do we consult Dr Google? Do we start vitamins? Do I go back down that road again of having doctors elbow deep in me to tell me things I've already heard?
When I think about that, I just feel so exhausted. I've already had that experience and I truly don't think I have it in me to do that again. I truly have no desire to hear another doctor order an HSG, prescribe meds that make me crazy, or hold his hand through a SA. It's too much to go through again. I cannot keep my sanity through more of that. I panic at the thought of researching IUI and IVF again. The PTSD from it all is very real and manageable now, I'm not sure my mind can handle it again.
So, I'm not sure what will happen. All I do know is that I keep thinking where is my baby? And it's draining.
February 10, 2016
Moving on to wedding plans!
Ok, let's put all the drama with XH behind us, shall we? I'm so over talking about him and our marriage. I was able to work through a lot of the last lingering issues thanks to his recent bout of craziness and that is an amazing feeling! I've been so scared of marrying M because of those issues and now I feel 100% about it all. He's a truly great guy and just gets me so much that it's crazy. I feel like I can be myself with him and that is truly such a wonderful feeling!
We've been discussing wedding plans off and on since we got engaged but have been too busy to really do anything beyond that. I never imagined I'd be planning at wedding at 33 but it's kinda fun to look at dresses, flowers, and fabulous shoes! Plus Pinterest wasn't around the first time I got married so that adds even more fun to the whole thing! We have decided on a destination wedding in New Orleans, our favorite city, probably sometime in the Fall. I'll be joined by 2 bridesmaids and he has his best man. Other than that, we have no clue about anything else. We do know that we are keeping things very small and not inviting anybody beyond our immediate families and best friends. Neither of us wants a circus...or drama!
Of course these plans are subject to change, if I get pregnant. We are still loosely trying, I'm not charting or anything like that, we're just not using protection. My cycles are still all over the place so I'm not surprised that nothing has happened yet. While a baby is very much desired, I'm trying to be positive and not too negative about not being knocked up yet. Sometimes that works very well for me and other times...it's a struggle. I recently gave my sister a baby shower and it really didn't bother me the way baby showers use to, which was both surprising and relieving. I did have an ache in my empty ute but it didn't send me into a downward spiral or drive me to tears after everyone left, which I call progress!
Progress indeed, but I have to admit that my recent birthday did sting a little. Not that 33 is old, but because I always thought I'd be a mom by now. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm not, the timing hasn't been right up until now and the guy was all wrong! But I still thought I'd have kids by now. That was the "plan" anyway. Ahh, no quicker way to make God laugh than to tell Him your plans!
I don't know if anything will turn out the way I plan but I'm hopeful!
We've been discussing wedding plans off and on since we got engaged but have been too busy to really do anything beyond that. I never imagined I'd be planning at wedding at 33 but it's kinda fun to look at dresses, flowers, and fabulous shoes! Plus Pinterest wasn't around the first time I got married so that adds even more fun to the whole thing! We have decided on a destination wedding in New Orleans, our favorite city, probably sometime in the Fall. I'll be joined by 2 bridesmaids and he has his best man. Other than that, we have no clue about anything else. We do know that we are keeping things very small and not inviting anybody beyond our immediate families and best friends. Neither of us wants a circus...or drama!
Of course these plans are subject to change, if I get pregnant. We are still loosely trying, I'm not charting or anything like that, we're just not using protection. My cycles are still all over the place so I'm not surprised that nothing has happened yet. While a baby is very much desired, I'm trying to be positive and not too negative about not being knocked up yet. Sometimes that works very well for me and other times...it's a struggle. I recently gave my sister a baby shower and it really didn't bother me the way baby showers use to, which was both surprising and relieving. I did have an ache in my empty ute but it didn't send me into a downward spiral or drive me to tears after everyone left, which I call progress!
Progress indeed, but I have to admit that my recent birthday did sting a little. Not that 33 is old, but because I always thought I'd be a mom by now. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm not, the timing hasn't been right up until now and the guy was all wrong! But I still thought I'd have kids by now. That was the "plan" anyway. Ahh, no quicker way to make God laugh than to tell Him your plans!
I don't know if anything will turn out the way I plan but I'm hopeful!
December 17, 2015
So, I'm engaged
Yep, M proposed to me Monday! It wasn't totally unexpected since I knew he had the ring but it was thrilling and amazing anyway! I despise being the center of attention so he made sure to pop the question when it was just the two of us. We were standing in front of the Christmas tree, talking about the ornaments, when he got down on one knee and told me such sweet things and asked me to marry him. I cried, of course, and covered him in kisses before texting my family and close friends! The ring is just beautiful and I love looking at it...ha!
I will never forget the look in his eyes as he was proposing, the memory of his expression will always make my heart flutter when I think back on it all. I just love this man so much! I was so afraid and hesitant to do the whole engagement thing but obviously my feelings changed. A few months ago I just really let go of my fears and embraced what I feel I've been lucky enough to be given. And I have to say that so far, I've been really happy to be his fiancee!
It's been a very emotional week. Tuesday, my sister's preeclampsia worsened and she delivered my nephew at 29 weeks and 5 days. Baby R weighed in at 2lbs, 14 oz and is 15 inches long. He is doing very well and is just the cutest little thing! He has a long road ahead but we are optimistic. My sister is doing well too but we were all terrified there for a bit. Please send out some good thoughts/vibes/prayers for them both!
So, it's been quite the week! An engagement and a new nephew, how lucky am I?!
I will never forget the look in his eyes as he was proposing, the memory of his expression will always make my heart flutter when I think back on it all. I just love this man so much! I was so afraid and hesitant to do the whole engagement thing but obviously my feelings changed. A few months ago I just really let go of my fears and embraced what I feel I've been lucky enough to be given. And I have to say that so far, I've been really happy to be his fiancee!
It's been a very emotional week. Tuesday, my sister's preeclampsia worsened and she delivered my nephew at 29 weeks and 5 days. Baby R weighed in at 2lbs, 14 oz and is 15 inches long. He is doing very well and is just the cutest little thing! He has a long road ahead but we are optimistic. My sister is doing well too but we were all terrified there for a bit. Please send out some good thoughts/vibes/prayers for them both!
So, it's been quite the week! An engagement and a new nephew, how lucky am I?!
November 23, 2015
Closure
I couldn't tell you the last time I saw XH. Well, up until last week anyway. Per our divorce decree, we're selling the house next month so we had to talk about that. Which led to him confessing that things aren't going great between him and the woman he left me for. I'm not surprised and was even kind of laughing about it, because, well, karma. He ended up coming over to patch a hole in the wall and ended up staying three hours. Just venting and talking about it all. It was so odd.
I was finally able to address some questions and get answers from him. Answers he had refused to give me before. It was nice for my own sake to get that last bit of closure. I've been thinking that I was just a horrible wife and it was nice validation to find out that while I wasn't perfect, our marriage ended mainly because of his own issues. I finally confronted him about the emotional abuse and manipulation from him. He apologized but could only defend himself with talk about how unhappy he was and how sorry he was that he took it out on me. I told him I wasn't seeking anything other than recognition that he did that and his owning up to it was a nice release for me.
In all his venting about his relationship I noticed such striking similarities with his complaints. And per his norm, he can't see his own issues and failings. It's amazing to me that he is so damn blind. It was also nice to get that last confirmation that our divorce was absolutely that best thing for me. I didn't fully doubt that but I also had this tiny pang of regret that comes from being a divorced woman, that comes from a failed marriage. It's a label I never expected or imagined so being at peace with it has been challenging at times.
When M got home that night, I gave him the biggest hug and kiss. I'm so grateful to have a man in my life who is my true partner, who brings out the best in me and makes me strive to be a better woman. I'm grateful to have built this life out of the scraps I was left with and I honestly wouldn't change a thing.
I will always be thankful for my time with XH but I will always be even more thankful that our time ended. Life is good, my complaints are few, and my heart is full.
I was finally able to address some questions and get answers from him. Answers he had refused to give me before. It was nice for my own sake to get that last bit of closure. I've been thinking that I was just a horrible wife and it was nice validation to find out that while I wasn't perfect, our marriage ended mainly because of his own issues. I finally confronted him about the emotional abuse and manipulation from him. He apologized but could only defend himself with talk about how unhappy he was and how sorry he was that he took it out on me. I told him I wasn't seeking anything other than recognition that he did that and his owning up to it was a nice release for me.
In all his venting about his relationship I noticed such striking similarities with his complaints. And per his norm, he can't see his own issues and failings. It's amazing to me that he is so damn blind. It was also nice to get that last confirmation that our divorce was absolutely that best thing for me. I didn't fully doubt that but I also had this tiny pang of regret that comes from being a divorced woman, that comes from a failed marriage. It's a label I never expected or imagined so being at peace with it has been challenging at times.
When M got home that night, I gave him the biggest hug and kiss. I'm so grateful to have a man in my life who is my true partner, who brings out the best in me and makes me strive to be a better woman. I'm grateful to have built this life out of the scraps I was left with and I honestly wouldn't change a thing.
I will always be thankful for my time with XH but I will always be even more thankful that our time ended. Life is good, my complaints are few, and my heart is full.
October 20, 2015
Back in the TTC saddle, again
Recently my six-months-pregnant sister and I spent a day running errands and doing some shopping together. In the years since I started dealing with IF, I have spent plenty of time with pregnant women in various baby shops. I can do fine in small doses and only once did I have to wait outside while my friends shopped inside. But, the one baby store that I have not sent foot in is Buy Buy Baby, I just refuse. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just swore to myself that I'd never enter that store unless I was pregnant. I guess I was "saving" it for myself. It wasn't hard to avoid the store while I was living in AR because there wasn't one in our area but now that I'm back in TX, there are more than a few.
Of course our errands included a stop in a shopping center with a Buy Buy Baby. I noticed it and ignored it but I saw my sister's face light up when she saw it. She excitedly informed me that of course we were going in, that we just HAD to. Now, I know her and she's always been very sensitive about my IF past. And I had also never said a word about how I was "saving" the store for myself one day, because, well, that sounds slightly insane. So I know she wasn't being mean or anything and she even told me that we didn't have to go in, if I didn't want to. But, I simply can't refuse my little sister and I really thought I'd be ok.
Nobody told me that the entire freaking store smells like baby powder. Or that it is THE spot for strollers and I am obsessed with strollers, I love researching them on days when my baby fever is through the roof. I was fine for about 30 minutes and then I had reached my limit. Luckily we left not long after that. I told her about how I had been "saving" it and she felt so badly about us stopping by but I told her it was ok. She really is very understanding and supportive about my feelings.
The thing is, I am not preventing a baby. After I had my IUD removed at the end of May, we did use protection for a while, but we decided to stop preventing and see what happens. Nothing has happened, obviously. The IUD has really messed with my body so my cycle still hasn't returned and that's always been an issue for me anyway. I'm not currently on metformin either. So, I know that of course it's not going to happen right now and I know that it actually might not ever happen. But that doesn't make the negative pregnancy tests any easier on me.
So, here I am, TTC again. It's such a weird feeling to be back in that mode after so much IF. I'm conflicted about it all but I know that I have to try for a baby. Because if I never try then I'll never know, and that would always haunt me. At least this way, if it doesn't happen, I can accept that it just wasn't in the cards for me and truly move on. I'm 32, M is 36, I'll imagine we'll not prevent for the next few years until I'm 36. It's very loosely a plan. A TTC plan. Again. After all this IF. I have to laugh or else I'll cry.
Of course our errands included a stop in a shopping center with a Buy Buy Baby. I noticed it and ignored it but I saw my sister's face light up when she saw it. She excitedly informed me that of course we were going in, that we just HAD to. Now, I know her and she's always been very sensitive about my IF past. And I had also never said a word about how I was "saving" the store for myself one day, because, well, that sounds slightly insane. So I know she wasn't being mean or anything and she even told me that we didn't have to go in, if I didn't want to. But, I simply can't refuse my little sister and I really thought I'd be ok.
Nobody told me that the entire freaking store smells like baby powder. Or that it is THE spot for strollers and I am obsessed with strollers, I love researching them on days when my baby fever is through the roof. I was fine for about 30 minutes and then I had reached my limit. Luckily we left not long after that. I told her about how I had been "saving" it and she felt so badly about us stopping by but I told her it was ok. She really is very understanding and supportive about my feelings.
The thing is, I am not preventing a baby. After I had my IUD removed at the end of May, we did use protection for a while, but we decided to stop preventing and see what happens. Nothing has happened, obviously. The IUD has really messed with my body so my cycle still hasn't returned and that's always been an issue for me anyway. I'm not currently on metformin either. So, I know that of course it's not going to happen right now and I know that it actually might not ever happen. But that doesn't make the negative pregnancy tests any easier on me.
So, here I am, TTC again. It's such a weird feeling to be back in that mode after so much IF. I'm conflicted about it all but I know that I have to try for a baby. Because if I never try then I'll never know, and that would always haunt me. At least this way, if it doesn't happen, I can accept that it just wasn't in the cards for me and truly move on. I'm 32, M is 36, I'll imagine we'll not prevent for the next few years until I'm 36. It's very loosely a plan. A TTC plan. Again. After all this IF. I have to laugh or else I'll cry.
September 21, 2015
The future
Life has been a whirlwind lately! M's new job is going wonderfully and adjusting to his new schedule has been easier than anticipated. He's off Fridays and Saturdays and since I'm listing the house for sale in December, we spend those two days working on house stuff. So much painting and clearing out closets, drawers, and cabinets! I'm so dreading actually packing everything up but we decided to go ahead and pack up the Spring/Summer stuff since we don't really need it anymore. Our to-do list is a mile long but I know we're get it all done in time, hopefully at least!
It's definitely bittersweet to be leaving this house. On one hand, it's a relief to know I'll soon be free from dealing with XH but on the other hand, I'll miss all the space and potential this house has. I'll also miss having my family living with me! They've been such a blessing, even when we're all cranky about how often the dishwasher is run or someone taking too long to get their clothes out of the dryer! My feelings about this house are complicated, it was the final straw in my first marriage ending but it's also where I healed, started two businesses, and started my life with M.
Speaking of M, we're looking at places. I'm unsure if we'll buy or rent, I'm not finding anything that fits my vision for the future to buy but I dread the idea of returning to renting after seven years of homeowner-ship. I guess we'll see the closer we get to December. I am excited to have privacy with M though! It'll be nice to set up our home together and maybe adopt a couple more pets.
The future is bright and I love it!
It's definitely bittersweet to be leaving this house. On one hand, it's a relief to know I'll soon be free from dealing with XH but on the other hand, I'll miss all the space and potential this house has. I'll also miss having my family living with me! They've been such a blessing, even when we're all cranky about how often the dishwasher is run or someone taking too long to get their clothes out of the dryer! My feelings about this house are complicated, it was the final straw in my first marriage ending but it's also where I healed, started two businesses, and started my life with M.
Speaking of M, we're looking at places. I'm unsure if we'll buy or rent, I'm not finding anything that fits my vision for the future to buy but I dread the idea of returning to renting after seven years of homeowner-ship. I guess we'll see the closer we get to December. I am excited to have privacy with M though! It'll be nice to set up our home together and maybe adopt a couple more pets.
The future is bright and I love it!
June 22, 2015
Another Awkward Encounter
The Cowboy and I officially celebrated two years this month! We spent the day before our anniversary browsing a few museums, we got completely swept up in the Museum of Fine Arts- Houston and just got lost among all the beauty. I highly recommend doing that! The actual day of our anniversary we slept in and had breakfast in bed before dragging ourselves out to run some errands. One of those errands involved a cell phone store and while waiting our turn, XH and his GF came walking in.
I spied them through the window before they entered and XH looked so happy and relaxed. I quickly turned around so I could put my back to the store, I just was dreading the inevitable awkward encounter. Luckily, the Cowboy and I were kinda hidden but XH happened to walk around the display blocking us and when he recognized us, he stopped and his eyes got huge. I jokingly told him, "Well, this is awkward." He agreed and walked away. He promptly went back over to her and, I kid you not, proceeded to get all over her, like he was a horny teenager. It was hilarious. We finished up our business and left without a second glance. I was stunned though. Two incidents in a month, what are the damn chances?! I have no ill feelings toward them but obviously I'd prefer not to see either of their faces.
But, the more important thing is that the Cowboy and I have been together for two years. It's really gone by so quickly! It's hard to believe this all started with a message on an online dating site, we sometimes forget that's how we met. But, I have no regrets and it's been so much fun with him, he makes life interesting. We're having a really fun summer so far and have even more fun planned ahead.
Hope you're squeezing every drop of goodness out of this Summer too!
I spied them through the window before they entered and XH looked so happy and relaxed. I quickly turned around so I could put my back to the store, I just was dreading the inevitable awkward encounter. Luckily, the Cowboy and I were kinda hidden but XH happened to walk around the display blocking us and when he recognized us, he stopped and his eyes got huge. I jokingly told him, "Well, this is awkward." He agreed and walked away. He promptly went back over to her and, I kid you not, proceeded to get all over her, like he was a horny teenager. It was hilarious. We finished up our business and left without a second glance. I was stunned though. Two incidents in a month, what are the damn chances?! I have no ill feelings toward them but obviously I'd prefer not to see either of their faces.
But, the more important thing is that the Cowboy and I have been together for two years. It's really gone by so quickly! It's hard to believe this all started with a message on an online dating site, we sometimes forget that's how we met. But, I have no regrets and it's been so much fun with him, he makes life interesting. We're having a really fun summer so far and have even more fun planned ahead.
Hope you're squeezing every drop of goodness out of this Summer too!
April 29, 2014
Talking Marriage
Yet another sleepless night, I've noticed these tend to happen when I have a lot on my mind. So many thoughts and feelings tumbling around in my mind always equals no sleep and countless hours playing on my phone while the night passes. I'm currently sitting at my kitchen table, the only light coming from my laptop and my headphones hooked up to my iphone so I can listen to music while I type this. Even the dogs are asleep, having given up on me about two hours ago. It's fine because sad country music is the perfect muse to get all these feelings out anyway.
It seems my life is currently at an impasse. Or, rather, my relationship is. We've been dating almost 11 months. I'm not quite sure how that happened. It seems like just yesterday we were walking the beach and spending sultry Summer nights making out and drinking beer. I feel like I blinked and here I am, almost a year later, with a wonderful boyfriend who mentioned marriage to me. Like, he legit said to me that it would be a year soon and wouldn't that be a great time to get engaged. And because I'm a giddy little schoolgirl, part of me squealed and thought about pretty wedding dresses and flowers and cake. Then, the other part of me, the cynical, practical, marriage-wary grown up, heard the screeching sound of brakes being abruptly put on.
I'm not sure if I want to get married again but I do know for sure that I'm definitely not wanting to get married now, not quite 19 months after my split. I just can't even flirt with the idea, because when I do toy with it and look online at rings, my left hand just starts to feel heavy. I start to freak out a little and to be honest I can't stand the thought of a ring on my hand. The idea of being Mrs. Cowboy seriously makes my heart sink. Clearly, I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure I'll ever want to be Mrs. Somebody again. I just can't picture that. I don't know, maybe it's still the bitterness but I just can't.
We talked about this last month and I thought we were on the same page but I'm not quite so sure anymore. This man wants to marry me and I'm over here freaking out about the mere idea. I love him, he's a wonderful guy and in so many ways, he's perfection. We're a great match. But (and why in the hell does there have to be a but?) something just feels off to me and that makes me feel absolutely awful.
Of course, there's always the distinct possibility that I am WAY over thinking this and just having normal anxieties after everything that happened with XH. But, it's not fair to him to keep him waiting while I figure that out. Him and I need to have a major talk and I am dreading it so much. Fuck man! This whole relationship thing is hard.
It seems my life is currently at an impasse. Or, rather, my relationship is. We've been dating almost 11 months. I'm not quite sure how that happened. It seems like just yesterday we were walking the beach and spending sultry Summer nights making out and drinking beer. I feel like I blinked and here I am, almost a year later, with a wonderful boyfriend who mentioned marriage to me. Like, he legit said to me that it would be a year soon and wouldn't that be a great time to get engaged. And because I'm a giddy little schoolgirl, part of me squealed and thought about pretty wedding dresses and flowers and cake. Then, the other part of me, the cynical, practical, marriage-wary grown up, heard the screeching sound of brakes being abruptly put on.
I'm not sure if I want to get married again but I do know for sure that I'm definitely not wanting to get married now, not quite 19 months after my split. I just can't even flirt with the idea, because when I do toy with it and look online at rings, my left hand just starts to feel heavy. I start to freak out a little and to be honest I can't stand the thought of a ring on my hand. The idea of being Mrs. Cowboy seriously makes my heart sink. Clearly, I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure I'll ever want to be Mrs. Somebody again. I just can't picture that. I don't know, maybe it's still the bitterness but I just can't.
We talked about this last month and I thought we were on the same page but I'm not quite so sure anymore. This man wants to marry me and I'm over here freaking out about the mere idea. I love him, he's a wonderful guy and in so many ways, he's perfection. We're a great match. But (and why in the hell does there have to be a but?) something just feels off to me and that makes me feel absolutely awful.
Of course, there's always the distinct possibility that I am WAY over thinking this and just having normal anxieties after everything that happened with XH. But, it's not fair to him to keep him waiting while I figure that out. Him and I need to have a major talk and I am dreading it so much. Fuck man! This whole relationship thing is hard.
February 12, 2014
So this is love
I knew from the first moment I set eyes on the Cowboy that he was going to be trouble. Or, rather, that I was in trouble. Totally my type with a beard, tattoos, piercings, and we have so much in common it's scary. The more time we spent together, the more obvious it became that he was different and that our relationship was something special. I have so much fun with him, even when we're just cuddling and watching tv. I love that he accepts me for exactly who I am and doesn't bat an eye at the qualities about me that drove C crazy. It's refreshing. So it should be no surprise that I fell in love with the Cowboy.
But it still surprises me that I feel this way. He said the words first, very accidentally one night when I was coughing like crazy. I said them about a week later, very much on purpose. At first, I kept thinking this was my rebound because it just had to be, right? I mean, he had to be my rebound because I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was having so much fun being a slut. But, here we are 8 months later and I no longer think he's a rebound. He's a surprise I wasn't planning on but he's the best surprise I never knew I wanted. I'm happy and it's a happy that I haven't felt in so very long.
That being said, I'm still unsure about ever getting married again and absolutely not in any rush. He's divorced too so he understands my feelings and isn't in any rush either. We just enjoy each other, say I love you often and don't worry too much about the future. Our relationship is in no way perfect but we talk through our issues and are on the same page about most things, so we seldom seriously disagree. It's nice and easy and not complicated. He's a breath of fresh air.
I've never been big into Valentine's Day but I'm excited this year. I've never been a sappy girl but oh man does this guy bring out my inner girly girl. He's a hopeless romantic and I'm very much enjoying that. I wish I could go back to the broken Amanda I was a year ago and tell her to keep her head up because the future will be so worth all the anguish and pain. I'd tell her to cling to her hope because hope never fails.
But it still surprises me that I feel this way. He said the words first, very accidentally one night when I was coughing like crazy. I said them about a week later, very much on purpose. At first, I kept thinking this was my rebound because it just had to be, right? I mean, he had to be my rebound because I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was having so much fun being a slut. But, here we are 8 months later and I no longer think he's a rebound. He's a surprise I wasn't planning on but he's the best surprise I never knew I wanted. I'm happy and it's a happy that I haven't felt in so very long.
That being said, I'm still unsure about ever getting married again and absolutely not in any rush. He's divorced too so he understands my feelings and isn't in any rush either. We just enjoy each other, say I love you often and don't worry too much about the future. Our relationship is in no way perfect but we talk through our issues and are on the same page about most things, so we seldom seriously disagree. It's nice and easy and not complicated. He's a breath of fresh air.
I've never been big into Valentine's Day but I'm excited this year. I've never been a sappy girl but oh man does this guy bring out my inner girly girl. He's a hopeless romantic and I'm very much enjoying that. I wish I could go back to the broken Amanda I was a year ago and tell her to keep her head up because the future will be so worth all the anguish and pain. I'd tell her to cling to her hope because hope never fails.
January 28, 2014
Restlessness, again
It's been a while since that old familiar feeling of restlessness has hit me. But, oh man, has it hit me hardcore lately. I just feel so restless and down these days. I suspect it has something to do with my doctor making adjustments to my antidepressant. I'm adamant about weaning off, which nobody thinks is a good idea, but I just don't want to need them anymore. Or, rather, I'd like to see if I can live without them. So far, the signs aren't pointing to that being a reality for me.
I also turned 31 this week and I'm not going to lie, it stung in a way that I wasn't anticipating. I think being jobless for so long has really started to wear on me. I'm looking and sending my resume out to everything and everyone but no bites so far. It's a super confidence booster, let me tell you. I feel like my life is just drifting and I really hate it. I need routine and schedule, it's what helps me thrive. Which is surprising to me since I spent my entire marriage being a SAHW, I was in college for a while though, and only worked briefly last year. But, I was so happy working and being productive. It's definitely what is missing in my life these days.
Adding to my stress is stuff with the Cowboy. His mom has MS and is currently in the hospital with complications. With my PTSD, it's very difficult for me to be in that environment. I'm trying to be there for him but it's mentally exhausting to spend so much time fighting my triggers and to have so much of that hospital lingo back in my life. He's very understanding of it, well, as much as he can be for someone who has never dealt with it before. He's a terrific guy but I'm at war with myself internally and it's affecting my relationship, which sucks. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and it's really weighing on my mind lately.
So, basically, I'm a mess right now. But, I'm in a much better place than I was at this point last year, so I'm pretty grateful for that. I never thought I'd be 31, divorced and jobless. But, even with all these issues, I'm still happier on the bad days than I was on the good days in my marriage. So, I know I'm on the right track and that really gives me hope. This is so not the life I pictured and that is both bad and good. Bad for the obvious reasons but good because my life now is so much more than I had ever thought about it being a couple years ago. It's no secret that I didn't want this divorce but now I am grateful for it. Grateful because it set off a chain of events that have led me on my biggest adventures yet. Grateful because I've learned so much about myself these last 15 months and grown by leaps and bounds.
So, I'm down and restless but I know that it'll turn around. 30 was a very eventful year for me and I'm hopeful that 31 will be even better. Filled with the perfect amounts of bad and good. I've never said that starting over would be easy but it is so worth all the tears and pain and dark nights I endured. That much I am sure of.
I also turned 31 this week and I'm not going to lie, it stung in a way that I wasn't anticipating. I think being jobless for so long has really started to wear on me. I'm looking and sending my resume out to everything and everyone but no bites so far. It's a super confidence booster, let me tell you. I feel like my life is just drifting and I really hate it. I need routine and schedule, it's what helps me thrive. Which is surprising to me since I spent my entire marriage being a SAHW, I was in college for a while though, and only worked briefly last year. But, I was so happy working and being productive. It's definitely what is missing in my life these days.
Adding to my stress is stuff with the Cowboy. His mom has MS and is currently in the hospital with complications. With my PTSD, it's very difficult for me to be in that environment. I'm trying to be there for him but it's mentally exhausting to spend so much time fighting my triggers and to have so much of that hospital lingo back in my life. He's very understanding of it, well, as much as he can be for someone who has never dealt with it before. He's a terrific guy but I'm at war with myself internally and it's affecting my relationship, which sucks. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and it's really weighing on my mind lately.
So, basically, I'm a mess right now. But, I'm in a much better place than I was at this point last year, so I'm pretty grateful for that. I never thought I'd be 31, divorced and jobless. But, even with all these issues, I'm still happier on the bad days than I was on the good days in my marriage. So, I know I'm on the right track and that really gives me hope. This is so not the life I pictured and that is both bad and good. Bad for the obvious reasons but good because my life now is so much more than I had ever thought about it being a couple years ago. It's no secret that I didn't want this divorce but now I am grateful for it. Grateful because it set off a chain of events that have led me on my biggest adventures yet. Grateful because I've learned so much about myself these last 15 months and grown by leaps and bounds.
So, I'm down and restless but I know that it'll turn around. 30 was a very eventful year for me and I'm hopeful that 31 will be even better. Filled with the perfect amounts of bad and good. I've never said that starting over would be easy but it is so worth all the tears and pain and dark nights I endured. That much I am sure of.
December 9, 2013
Hope is Mine
C stopped by again last night, making that two weeks in a row. He seems like he's on the verge of saying something but just can't bring himself to actually do it. We talked for an hour outside, him sitting in his truck and me standing in the open door. He turns his heater vent towards me so I don't completely freeze. We talk about his work, our families and friends, catch each other up on our lives and sometimes discuss what happened with us. Talking about our demise is always sad and it upsets me but not like it use to do. I can talk with a level head and so can he. We're reached a good place but man did it take us a while to get here.
I think we're friends or at least we're on our way to being friends. We still joke around and make each other laugh. Sometimes it strikes me as so odd that I'm standing there laughing with this man who I know so intimately yet not at all anymore. For a brief moment last night, I saw past the bullshit of the last year and caught a glimpse of how we use to be, before it all fell epically apart. It was a bittersweet feeling. I got a little teary eyed because our divorce will actually be final this week. I was standing with my husband for the last time and that just touched something deep inside me.
I married C so young but so in love. I was so proud to be his wife and adored calling him my husband. I was so very proud to carry his last name too. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that we would be divorcing. And I know I'll always carry a smidgen of this pain with me, just like I'll always love C. He's 13 years of my life and carries within him so many shared memories. I wouldn't be who I am today without him. So I don't regret one single moment with him. This divorce was the best thing for us though, as individuals. I've grown so much and I really am quite happy with my life at the moment.
He needed to be on the other side of the state by morning so when it began to sprinkle, we started winding down our talk. I looked at him and pointed out that this was our last time together as husband and wife. I hugged him pretty tight and touched his cheek, one last time. Told him to be careful and walked back into my house as he drove away. I never looked back, just marched straight inside.
I've been through hell the last few years. I'm very proud of the person I've become because I fought like hell to become her. This is my life and it's nothing like I imagined but it is wonderful. My past is bittersweet but it's behind me now and I'm excited about everything that lies ahead of me. A big, blank canvas that is entirely up to ME to paint. I'm just getting started but I can tell it's gong to be a beautiful picture in the end.
Hope is mine. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I think we're friends or at least we're on our way to being friends. We still joke around and make each other laugh. Sometimes it strikes me as so odd that I'm standing there laughing with this man who I know so intimately yet not at all anymore. For a brief moment last night, I saw past the bullshit of the last year and caught a glimpse of how we use to be, before it all fell epically apart. It was a bittersweet feeling. I got a little teary eyed because our divorce will actually be final this week. I was standing with my husband for the last time and that just touched something deep inside me.
I married C so young but so in love. I was so proud to be his wife and adored calling him my husband. I was so very proud to carry his last name too. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that we would be divorcing. And I know I'll always carry a smidgen of this pain with me, just like I'll always love C. He's 13 years of my life and carries within him so many shared memories. I wouldn't be who I am today without him. So I don't regret one single moment with him. This divorce was the best thing for us though, as individuals. I've grown so much and I really am quite happy with my life at the moment.
He needed to be on the other side of the state by morning so when it began to sprinkle, we started winding down our talk. I looked at him and pointed out that this was our last time together as husband and wife. I hugged him pretty tight and touched his cheek, one last time. Told him to be careful and walked back into my house as he drove away. I never looked back, just marched straight inside.
I've been through hell the last few years. I'm very proud of the person I've become because I fought like hell to become her. This is my life and it's nothing like I imagined but it is wonderful. My past is bittersweet but it's behind me now and I'm excited about everything that lies ahead of me. A big, blank canvas that is entirely up to ME to paint. I'm just getting started but I can tell it's gong to be a beautiful picture in the end.
Hope is mine. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
November 14, 2013
Weirdness
Things have been weird lately. Not super weird, but a little weird. Weird enough to give me a feeling of uneasiness. I don't like it because it makes me think there's something coming my way and I really don't like to be caught unprepared. I need a sense of control over my life and that's not surprising considering my Dad's death and my divorce both spun my world out of control. Issues? Why, yes, I do have issues now. Thanks for noticing!
Saturday will officially mark a year since I filed for divorce, a divorce that still is NOT FINAL. Coming to an agreement over our finances has proven to be quite problematic. Now his lawyer is threatening going to court, which my lawyer laughs at because we would slaughter him in court with the pictures I have of him making out with a stupid skank. Not to mention the phone records and friends who have all said the relationship started during our marriage. We filed for divorce in a very conservative district, you know, good ol' boys and all that jazz. And they don't take kindly to men who cheat on their grieving wives so soon after a death in the family.
Despite the issues with our agreement, we actually don't fight when we do talk. He calls me just about every three days, just to check in on the progress with the divorce or to ask me a stupid question. He then chats my ear off about work, his friends or a hobby he's recently taken up. It's just so odd to talk to him like we're friends, like we've never seen each other naked or loved each other or married each other, for that matter. I keep my guard up with him and never discuss anything of true depth. Just house stuff or car stuff or something funny my nephews and nieces said/did.
The Cowboy gets increasingly annoyed by these phone calls. One lasted about an hour and I could tell it bothered him. I'm not sure why I stay on the phone or why C feels the need to call me. Or I do have a suspicion but I'd rather not think about it. I don't want C to admit to some great revelation about regretting this or still loving me. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want him anymore. Quite a turnaround from me posting last year asking for y'all to pray for my marriage's resurrection. Hindsight, yep, hindsight.
I'm still doing good. Job hunting still, which is a bitch. Still having a good time with the Cowboy. Currently having a lot of fun with NaNoWriMo and battling a slight fever. Seriously, wrote part of this with a thermometer in my mouth. Did I tell y'all I got braces last year? I went straight from my orthodontist to the lawyer's office to file for divorce so it'll be a year with them this weekend too. My teeth look amazing! And I look like a little kid and get carded all.the.time. now. It's great fun until they gasp in shock once they realize I'm 30 years old.
But, it's almost midnight here, which means it's almost Friday, which means let me end by listing a few things I'm grateful for. This week I'm grateful for:
* cold fronts! Yay for sweaters, boots and leggings!
* coffee, bc without it, I wouldn't be writing as much or able to soothe my achy throat
* Tar.get bc a trip for one item, turned into me leaving with much more
* finding the mixed tapes I made in junior high and listening to some awesome music like Immature, Dru Hill, Aaliyah and Xscape...the 90's were awesome!
* cousins who make me laugh and want to hang out, they hold some very precious memories of late family members, like my Dad and my Grandpa
Have a great weekend, soak it up and enjoy every second!
Saturday will officially mark a year since I filed for divorce, a divorce that still is NOT FINAL. Coming to an agreement over our finances has proven to be quite problematic. Now his lawyer is threatening going to court, which my lawyer laughs at because we would slaughter him in court with the pictures I have of him making out with a stupid skank. Not to mention the phone records and friends who have all said the relationship started during our marriage. We filed for divorce in a very conservative district, you know, good ol' boys and all that jazz. And they don't take kindly to men who cheat on their grieving wives so soon after a death in the family.
Despite the issues with our agreement, we actually don't fight when we do talk. He calls me just about every three days, just to check in on the progress with the divorce or to ask me a stupid question. He then chats my ear off about work, his friends or a hobby he's recently taken up. It's just so odd to talk to him like we're friends, like we've never seen each other naked or loved each other or married each other, for that matter. I keep my guard up with him and never discuss anything of true depth. Just house stuff or car stuff or something funny my nephews and nieces said/did.
The Cowboy gets increasingly annoyed by these phone calls. One lasted about an hour and I could tell it bothered him. I'm not sure why I stay on the phone or why C feels the need to call me. Or I do have a suspicion but I'd rather not think about it. I don't want C to admit to some great revelation about regretting this or still loving me. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want him anymore. Quite a turnaround from me posting last year asking for y'all to pray for my marriage's resurrection. Hindsight, yep, hindsight.
I'm still doing good. Job hunting still, which is a bitch. Still having a good time with the Cowboy. Currently having a lot of fun with NaNoWriMo and battling a slight fever. Seriously, wrote part of this with a thermometer in my mouth. Did I tell y'all I got braces last year? I went straight from my orthodontist to the lawyer's office to file for divorce so it'll be a year with them this weekend too. My teeth look amazing! And I look like a little kid and get carded all.the.time. now. It's great fun until they gasp in shock once they realize I'm 30 years old.
But, it's almost midnight here, which means it's almost Friday, which means let me end by listing a few things I'm grateful for. This week I'm grateful for:
* cold fronts! Yay for sweaters, boots and leggings!
* coffee, bc without it, I wouldn't be writing as much or able to soothe my achy throat
* Tar.get bc a trip for one item, turned into me leaving with much more
* finding the mixed tapes I made in junior high and listening to some awesome music like Immature, Dru Hill, Aaliyah and Xscape...the 90's were awesome!
* cousins who make me laugh and want to hang out, they hold some very precious memories of late family members, like my Dad and my Grandpa
Have a great weekend, soak it up and enjoy every second!
October 18, 2013
Loaded Memories
There's just so much about Fall that makes me insanely happy: the way Summer gives in, reluctantly, to Fall, decorating for Halloween, pumpkin flavored everything, pretty colored leaves that float to the ground, bright Fall skies that almost hurt your eyes, how you can pull out the leggings and boots again and keep your windows open. How the whole world seems to be settling in and getting cozy in anticipation of all the love and goodness the next 3 months bring. Needless to say, Fall is my favorite season, I just love everything about it.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
June 9, 2013
Wild & Precious Life
It's amazing what adjusting your medication and therapy will do for a person. I feel better than I have in months and I'm doing really well. It feels damn good to have happiness and hope back in my life. I can't believe I let myself feel so bad for so long before getting help and I'm working to make sure I don't let that happen again.
It's only been 8 months since my split but it really feels like it's been much, much longer. I feel 100% different now than I did in October. I feel strong, healthy, happy and capable. I never thought I could live without him but look at me, living and shit. Not just living but thriving! My life feels full and complete, which is something that amazes me. During my marriage, especially the last couple of years, something felt like it was missing. I just assumed it was the infertility and my Dad's illness and eventual death causing me to feel that way. I never thought it was something with C and me but after the split, I was convinced it was C that caused my unhappiness.
It took me some time to realize that nothing was causing my unhappiness but myself. I desperately missed my family and moving back to TX filled a big part of that hole. I didn't realize just how much I needed them in my life and just how much being away from them played a part in my depression. Once I started working, I again realized that another part of my unhappiness was that I needed to be productive again. Reconnecting with my old friends also made me see that I needed that too, the friends who have known me since we were kids. I adore the friends I made in AR and they are still my very dear friends but there's just something about the friends who knew you when you were awkward and weird that just feels different.
I feel C's absence in many ways and of course I miss the guy. But now we're totally different people and we don't fit into each others lives anymore. Realizing that helped me a ton, realizing that only I was responsible for my happiness was the final missing piece. This is my life, my one wild and precious life and I get to choose how it plays out. I live for myself now and it feels damn good! The great thing about falling into a million pieces is that you get to choose which pieces you use to rebuild yourself. I am rebuilding myself into someone I actually like, someone who is happy. I am leaving the negative on the floor and walking away from it.
Losing C destroyed me but in the aftermath, I found myself. I finally feel like I'm on my on my way to living my best life, to being the best Amanda possible. I hate that my marriage is over and I still think C left in the shittiest way possible but he also gave me back to myself. He freed me. The two best things he ever did for me was marry me and leave me because both changed my life in profound ways and I am a better person for it.
Letting go and moving on have been the best, worst and most amazing experiences. Starting over is the hardest thing to do but I can't wait to share it all with you. I finally have dating adventures to share and wow, have I come across some interesting guys!
It's only been 8 months since my split but it really feels like it's been much, much longer. I feel 100% different now than I did in October. I feel strong, healthy, happy and capable. I never thought I could live without him but look at me, living and shit. Not just living but thriving! My life feels full and complete, which is something that amazes me. During my marriage, especially the last couple of years, something felt like it was missing. I just assumed it was the infertility and my Dad's illness and eventual death causing me to feel that way. I never thought it was something with C and me but after the split, I was convinced it was C that caused my unhappiness.
It took me some time to realize that nothing was causing my unhappiness but myself. I desperately missed my family and moving back to TX filled a big part of that hole. I didn't realize just how much I needed them in my life and just how much being away from them played a part in my depression. Once I started working, I again realized that another part of my unhappiness was that I needed to be productive again. Reconnecting with my old friends also made me see that I needed that too, the friends who have known me since we were kids. I adore the friends I made in AR and they are still my very dear friends but there's just something about the friends who knew you when you were awkward and weird that just feels different.
I feel C's absence in many ways and of course I miss the guy. But now we're totally different people and we don't fit into each others lives anymore. Realizing that helped me a ton, realizing that only I was responsible for my happiness was the final missing piece. This is my life, my one wild and precious life and I get to choose how it plays out. I live for myself now and it feels damn good! The great thing about falling into a million pieces is that you get to choose which pieces you use to rebuild yourself. I am rebuilding myself into someone I actually like, someone who is happy. I am leaving the negative on the floor and walking away from it.
Losing C destroyed me but in the aftermath, I found myself. I finally feel like I'm on my on my way to living my best life, to being the best Amanda possible. I hate that my marriage is over and I still think C left in the shittiest way possible but he also gave me back to myself. He freed me. The two best things he ever did for me was marry me and leave me because both changed my life in profound ways and I am a better person for it.
Letting go and moving on have been the best, worst and most amazing experiences. Starting over is the hardest thing to do but I can't wait to share it all with you. I finally have dating adventures to share and wow, have I come across some interesting guys!
December 20, 2012
Roller Coaster
My feelings are all over the place these days and like most complicated things, divorce is such an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I'm depressed and sometimes I hate his damn guts and enjoy being single. I spend a vast majority of my time being pissed at him. It swings back and forth between love and hate so easily that it confuses me. It leaves me in awe that I once loved this person with everything in me and now I just don't know how I feel. SATC said it best, "If you love someone and break up, where does the love go?" and I really wonder where it all went. Is it hiding? Did it disappear? Will it ever return? Do I want it to? So many emotions and so many feelings, it's exhausting.
Loneliness is my biggest problem though and it's what keeps me from my bed until I am sure I can fall right to sleep. I miss cuddling with someone and watching tv and making dinner together. I miss talking about our day and really I just miss sharing my life with someone, I miss my best friend. Our bed seems so huge now and sometimes memories of how it used to be make me so restless that I hop in my car and drive around. It's the damnedest feeling.
It's the oddest thing to be single again at 29. Not sure how to date and I can't remember what flirting is like or how to do it. Totally clueless about sex with someone other than C and honestly the thought terrifies me. I've never been with another man, C was my first. Out of everything that messes with my mind, the thing that hurts the most is the whole baby thing. C would be a great father but probably won't get the chance and now I have the chance. I can get pregnant and that really fucks with my mind.
It all messes with me and I hate it all. Damn him for walking away, damn him.
Loneliness is my biggest problem though and it's what keeps me from my bed until I am sure I can fall right to sleep. I miss cuddling with someone and watching tv and making dinner together. I miss talking about our day and really I just miss sharing my life with someone, I miss my best friend. Our bed seems so huge now and sometimes memories of how it used to be make me so restless that I hop in my car and drive around. It's the damnedest feeling.
It's the oddest thing to be single again at 29. Not sure how to date and I can't remember what flirting is like or how to do it. Totally clueless about sex with someone other than C and honestly the thought terrifies me. I've never been with another man, C was my first. Out of everything that messes with my mind, the thing that hurts the most is the whole baby thing. C would be a great father but probably won't get the chance and now I have the chance. I can get pregnant and that really fucks with my mind.
It all messes with me and I hate it all. Damn him for walking away, damn him.
April 21, 2011
A Challenge
There is so much running through my mind these days that it makes blogging difficult, but stumbling across the 30 Day Challenge on Kristin's lovely blog might just be the push I need. I'm joining her for this but will probably break from it time to time for Grateful Friday and other updates/random thoughts. Join us and we can get to know each other even more. [anyone know how to insert a smiley face? please walk me through it!]
So, here it goes! First up is my current relationship. Already I am smiling and feeling all lovey dovey! I married my high school sweetheart on July 15, 2006. We grew up in the same neighborhood but didn't became good friends until high school. We started "going out" in October 1999 at the very mature age of sixteen..LOL! C is my best friend, my partner in crime and the only person I want by my side if a Zombie Apocalypse breaks out. He is good with a gun AND has studied every Sylvester Stallone/Jason Statham/Jet Li movie ever made so I know he can kick ass based on that alone. ; )
We have a strong relationship and I think that is because we have always put such an emphasis on communication. I can talk his ear off, y'all. Poor guy, bless his heart! But, we're far from perfect and tend to bicker a lot. We also enjoy talking shit to each other and I know that sounds horrible but it's just teasing really, we tease each other nonstop. We don't take ourselves or our relationship too seriously so as a result, we laugh a lot. We built our relationship on a foundation of love, laughter and hope. That's the key for us...we make each other laugh, we push and challenge each other, encourage each other, hold the other up when they fall apart and thank God every night for the other.
::sigh:: He's amazing and I wouldn't trade all the sperm in the world for him.
[I just want to thank all of you so much for the sweet comments, thoughts and prayers. You guys are the best and I'm sending you all gigantic hugs and kisses.]
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