Restlessness, again

It's been a while since that old familiar feeling of restlessness has hit me. But, oh man, has it hit me hardcore lately. I just feel so restless and down these days. I suspect it has something to do with my doctor making adjustments to my antidepressant. I'm adamant about weaning off, which nobody thinks is a good idea, but I just don't want to need them anymore. Or, rather, I'd like to see if I can live without them. So far, the signs aren't pointing to that being a reality for me.

I also turned 31 this week and I'm not going to lie, it stung in a way that I wasn't anticipating. I think being jobless for so long has really started to wear on me. I'm looking and sending my resume out to everything and everyone but no bites so far. It's a super confidence booster, let me tell you. I feel like my life is just drifting and I really hate it. I need routine and schedule, it's what helps me thrive. Which is surprising to me since I spent my entire marriage being a SAHW, I was in college for a while though, and only worked briefly last year. But, I was so happy working and being productive. It's definitely what is missing in my life these days.

Adding to my stress is stuff with the Cowboy. His mom has MS and is currently in the hospital with complications. With my PTSD, it's very difficult for me to be in that environment. I'm trying to be there for him but it's mentally exhausting to spend so much time fighting my triggers and to have so much of that hospital lingo back in my life. He's very understanding of it, well, as much as he can be for someone who has never dealt with it before. He's a terrific guy but I'm at war with myself internally and it's affecting my relationship, which sucks. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and it's really weighing on my mind lately.

So, basically, I'm a mess right now. But, I'm in a much better place than I was at this point last year, so I'm pretty grateful for that. I never thought I'd be 31, divorced and jobless. But, even with all these issues, I'm still happier on the bad days than I was on the good days in my marriage. So, I know I'm on the right track and that really gives me hope. This is so not the life I pictured and that is both bad and good. Bad for the obvious reasons but good because my life now is so much more than I had ever thought about it being a couple years ago. It's no secret that I didn't want this divorce but now I am grateful for it. Grateful because it set off a chain of events that have led me on my biggest adventures yet. Grateful because I've learned so much about myself these last 15 months and grown by leaps and bounds.

So, I'm down and restless but I know that it'll turn around. 30 was a very eventful year for me and I'm hopeful that 31 will be even better. Filled with the perfect amounts of bad and good. I've never said that starting over would be easy but it is so worth all the tears and pain and dark nights I endured. That much I am sure of.