I've always been a bit sarcastic, often times people have a hard time adjusting to my warped sense of humor. Or mistake my sarcasm for truth and blindly assume I'm serious and just an asshole. Ehh, sometimes I am though! In the throes of the IF stuff, I became very depressed, bitter, and angry. I was a ball of rage. I was dreadful to be around and just very lost. That nobody in my life had a "come to Jesus" talk with me is definitely a point of contention for me but that's a post for another day. I did eventually get on antidepressants and start therapy but it truly didn't get better for me until my divorce. Which I think is hilariously ironic.
After that, I was able to take a good look at myself and I hated what I saw, who I had become. I worked my butt off to change. I'm definitely not the unhappy, angry mess that I once was. My sister tells me often just how nice it is to have the old Amanda back. And while I'm not a bitter bitch anymore, I'm definitely not the full of hope, naive woman I once was either. Too much has happened, too many tears have been shed, and too much grief has dulled the rose colored glasses I tried so hard to keep on.
I don't really mind it either. I'm absolutely more cynical and still very sarcastic but I do have enough hope in me that I'm not exactly moping around like Eeyore. I'm a hopeful cynic, which to me means I'm realistic about how just very wrong everything can go but I'm hopeful that it won't. So I may joke a lot about marriage being awful but I'm hopeful that one day I'll actually want to be a Mrs again.
A hopeful cynic, I know it sounds like an oxymoron but it's my truth and I'm embracing it.
Showing posts with label single life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single life. Show all posts
July 30, 2015
October 8, 2014
My Non-iversary
October 10th will mark my second non-iversary, aka the day I found out my marriage was over. It is really mind-blowing that it has already been two years since that happened. I can remember that day pretty well. I got my hair done that day, had it cut and dyed red. I had plans to meet a cousin for drinks. At that point, XH and I hadn't spoken in about a week. He'd asked for some time with no contact so he could think and figure out his feelings. I was naive enough to think he'd be fine but I was also scared out of my damn mind. I could barely function and remember showing up at my big brother's house late one night to cry on his shoulder and get his advice. He was and is the closest to my Dad I can hope to get in regards to advice. He reassured me that XH was being a crybaby attention whore and that everything would be fine.
Yeah, imagine my shock when in the middle of my margarita, my phone rang and it was XH calling to shatter my heart into millions of pieces. I remember sliding off my barstool and walking outside so we could talk without a loud bar in the background. It was still light out and there was a nice Fall breeze that evening. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as he started chatting about work, like he hadn't just ignored me for a fucking week. I softly asked him what was going on and if we were ever going to talk about it. He said yeah, what do you want to know? So, I took a deep breath and asked, "Do you want a divorce?" He was really quiet for a good 5 minutes before answering softly, "Yes." I started to cry and hung up on him. He tried calling back a couple of times but I didn't answer. My cousin took me home and I told my family, all while sobbing.
I don't really remember the weeks following that. I remember lots of angry phone calls that ended in yelling. I remember lots of drunk nights where I sat under my covered porch, listening to sad music, and crying. I'd stumble to bed around 4am and pass out, wake up around 1pm, unable to eat or get out of bed and I'd start drinking around 5. Rinse and repeat for about two months. It was so fucking awful. I could barely function. My family hovered and damn, they were just so incredible. My mom, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends just really rallied around me. I am so thankful for those incredible people!
I didn't start really getting better until around February. But, once I turned that corner, I didn't look back. I took off and became the best Amanda I've ever been. I met M that June and promptly fell in love.
Looking back, I am amazed that I got through that. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and yes, it was way harder than watching my Dad die. But I did it, I survived and not only did I survive, I am thriving now! I am gleefully celebrating my 2 year non-iversary because it symbolizes my rebirth. I am very proud of myself. Starting over is damn hard but it's very do-able and once you get past the worst, you will be so glad it happened. If you're anything like me, you'll even feel grateful to the sorry SOB that left you because it was the best thing he ever did for you.
So, Happy 2nd Non-iversary to me! I'm so glad it happened and I'm so glad I survived!
Yeah, imagine my shock when in the middle of my margarita, my phone rang and it was XH calling to shatter my heart into millions of pieces. I remember sliding off my barstool and walking outside so we could talk without a loud bar in the background. It was still light out and there was a nice Fall breeze that evening. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as he started chatting about work, like he hadn't just ignored me for a fucking week. I softly asked him what was going on and if we were ever going to talk about it. He said yeah, what do you want to know? So, I took a deep breath and asked, "Do you want a divorce?" He was really quiet for a good 5 minutes before answering softly, "Yes." I started to cry and hung up on him. He tried calling back a couple of times but I didn't answer. My cousin took me home and I told my family, all while sobbing.
I don't really remember the weeks following that. I remember lots of angry phone calls that ended in yelling. I remember lots of drunk nights where I sat under my covered porch, listening to sad music, and crying. I'd stumble to bed around 4am and pass out, wake up around 1pm, unable to eat or get out of bed and I'd start drinking around 5. Rinse and repeat for about two months. It was so fucking awful. I could barely function. My family hovered and damn, they were just so incredible. My mom, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends just really rallied around me. I am so thankful for those incredible people!
I didn't start really getting better until around February. But, once I turned that corner, I didn't look back. I took off and became the best Amanda I've ever been. I met M that June and promptly fell in love.
Looking back, I am amazed that I got through that. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and yes, it was way harder than watching my Dad die. But I did it, I survived and not only did I survive, I am thriving now! I am gleefully celebrating my 2 year non-iversary because it symbolizes my rebirth. I am very proud of myself. Starting over is damn hard but it's very do-able and once you get past the worst, you will be so glad it happened. If you're anything like me, you'll even feel grateful to the sorry SOB that left you because it was the best thing he ever did for you.
So, Happy 2nd Non-iversary to me! I'm so glad it happened and I'm so glad I survived!
January 28, 2014
Restlessness, again
It's been a while since that old familiar feeling of restlessness has hit me. But, oh man, has it hit me hardcore lately. I just feel so restless and down these days. I suspect it has something to do with my doctor making adjustments to my antidepressant. I'm adamant about weaning off, which nobody thinks is a good idea, but I just don't want to need them anymore. Or, rather, I'd like to see if I can live without them. So far, the signs aren't pointing to that being a reality for me.
I also turned 31 this week and I'm not going to lie, it stung in a way that I wasn't anticipating. I think being jobless for so long has really started to wear on me. I'm looking and sending my resume out to everything and everyone but no bites so far. It's a super confidence booster, let me tell you. I feel like my life is just drifting and I really hate it. I need routine and schedule, it's what helps me thrive. Which is surprising to me since I spent my entire marriage being a SAHW, I was in college for a while though, and only worked briefly last year. But, I was so happy working and being productive. It's definitely what is missing in my life these days.
Adding to my stress is stuff with the Cowboy. His mom has MS and is currently in the hospital with complications. With my PTSD, it's very difficult for me to be in that environment. I'm trying to be there for him but it's mentally exhausting to spend so much time fighting my triggers and to have so much of that hospital lingo back in my life. He's very understanding of it, well, as much as he can be for someone who has never dealt with it before. He's a terrific guy but I'm at war with myself internally and it's affecting my relationship, which sucks. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and it's really weighing on my mind lately.
So, basically, I'm a mess right now. But, I'm in a much better place than I was at this point last year, so I'm pretty grateful for that. I never thought I'd be 31, divorced and jobless. But, even with all these issues, I'm still happier on the bad days than I was on the good days in my marriage. So, I know I'm on the right track and that really gives me hope. This is so not the life I pictured and that is both bad and good. Bad for the obvious reasons but good because my life now is so much more than I had ever thought about it being a couple years ago. It's no secret that I didn't want this divorce but now I am grateful for it. Grateful because it set off a chain of events that have led me on my biggest adventures yet. Grateful because I've learned so much about myself these last 15 months and grown by leaps and bounds.
So, I'm down and restless but I know that it'll turn around. 30 was a very eventful year for me and I'm hopeful that 31 will be even better. Filled with the perfect amounts of bad and good. I've never said that starting over would be easy but it is so worth all the tears and pain and dark nights I endured. That much I am sure of.
I also turned 31 this week and I'm not going to lie, it stung in a way that I wasn't anticipating. I think being jobless for so long has really started to wear on me. I'm looking and sending my resume out to everything and everyone but no bites so far. It's a super confidence booster, let me tell you. I feel like my life is just drifting and I really hate it. I need routine and schedule, it's what helps me thrive. Which is surprising to me since I spent my entire marriage being a SAHW, I was in college for a while though, and only worked briefly last year. But, I was so happy working and being productive. It's definitely what is missing in my life these days.
Adding to my stress is stuff with the Cowboy. His mom has MS and is currently in the hospital with complications. With my PTSD, it's very difficult for me to be in that environment. I'm trying to be there for him but it's mentally exhausting to spend so much time fighting my triggers and to have so much of that hospital lingo back in my life. He's very understanding of it, well, as much as he can be for someone who has never dealt with it before. He's a terrific guy but I'm at war with myself internally and it's affecting my relationship, which sucks. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and it's really weighing on my mind lately.
So, basically, I'm a mess right now. But, I'm in a much better place than I was at this point last year, so I'm pretty grateful for that. I never thought I'd be 31, divorced and jobless. But, even with all these issues, I'm still happier on the bad days than I was on the good days in my marriage. So, I know I'm on the right track and that really gives me hope. This is so not the life I pictured and that is both bad and good. Bad for the obvious reasons but good because my life now is so much more than I had ever thought about it being a couple years ago. It's no secret that I didn't want this divorce but now I am grateful for it. Grateful because it set off a chain of events that have led me on my biggest adventures yet. Grateful because I've learned so much about myself these last 15 months and grown by leaps and bounds.
So, I'm down and restless but I know that it'll turn around. 30 was a very eventful year for me and I'm hopeful that 31 will be even better. Filled with the perfect amounts of bad and good. I've never said that starting over would be easy but it is so worth all the tears and pain and dark nights I endured. That much I am sure of.
January 9, 2014
helpless female syndrome
Most days I feel like a competent, functioning adult. I go about my day feeling like I totally rock this whole being grown up shit. Then there are those days where I'm just like lolololol, just kidding! There's no way I'm about to be 31 and who let me be responsible for big decisions. Just leave me alone and let me play mahjong titans while I listen to BSB and N*Sync on repeat while I munch on chips and m&m's.
Being an adult didn't seem so challenging when I was still married, I mean, we were going through some very heavy, adult issues but we had each other to lean on. But that's not what trips me up these days. It's so many other little things that really bother me and sometimes cause me to curse the day C walked out. For example, choosing a new exterminator, repairs on my car, looking over health plans, choosing new flooring for the house, having to figure out what plants I want for the landscaping update and the house needs gutters but, what color? And do I want them around the entire house or just certain areas? But, oh shit, wait, the dogs need to go to the vet and how can I manage to get all three there and Bella has epilepsy and the vet is throwing scary questions at me, what do I say? I realize these are questions and problems that really aren't that hard but they're ones I always discussed with C. So I always had someone to turn to and look at for their input. In many ways, I miss that. I miss an equally invested partner that looks at these questions from my point of view. You know, the view of the owner/person paying for this shit. The Cowboy is awesome to bounce ideas off but at the end of the day, this isn't his stuff so he's not that invested. Nor do I expect him to be at this point.
I just get overwhelmed sometimes and it sucks. I get very frustrated with myself when I get like this too because it just feels very "helpless female syndrome" to me and I refuse to be that girl ever again. I don't want to depend on a guy for anything anymore. It's a real struggle within me to lean on the Cowboy for stuff. I'm very stubborn and protective of my independence so he's had to remind me several times to loosen the grips and let him take care of small things. Like hanging Christmas lights on my house, helping me bathe the dogs or take them to the vet. He's great about doing handyman stuff for me around my house too but it always makes me feel weird. It's been a real learning process for me to be single after 13 years. It's an adjustment to go from making decisions together to being the sole one responsible for everything. And I have to be honest, there are times I do call C and ask for his input. He's good about helping out when needed, I'm grateful for that.
A plus side of being adult though is that I can drink and wine is the perfect solution for a tough day. I already know which bottle I'll be opening tonight! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play legos with my four year old niece because I'm over being an adult today.
oh! And Happy New Year! May 2014 bring you everything you wish for and much happiness, laughter and love!
Being an adult didn't seem so challenging when I was still married, I mean, we were going through some very heavy, adult issues but we had each other to lean on. But that's not what trips me up these days. It's so many other little things that really bother me and sometimes cause me to curse the day C walked out. For example, choosing a new exterminator, repairs on my car, looking over health plans, choosing new flooring for the house, having to figure out what plants I want for the landscaping update and the house needs gutters but, what color? And do I want them around the entire house or just certain areas? But, oh shit, wait, the dogs need to go to the vet and how can I manage to get all three there and Bella has epilepsy and the vet is throwing scary questions at me, what do I say? I realize these are questions and problems that really aren't that hard but they're ones I always discussed with C. So I always had someone to turn to and look at for their input. In many ways, I miss that. I miss an equally invested partner that looks at these questions from my point of view. You know, the view of the owner/person paying for this shit. The Cowboy is awesome to bounce ideas off but at the end of the day, this isn't his stuff so he's not that invested. Nor do I expect him to be at this point.
I just get overwhelmed sometimes and it sucks. I get very frustrated with myself when I get like this too because it just feels very "helpless female syndrome" to me and I refuse to be that girl ever again. I don't want to depend on a guy for anything anymore. It's a real struggle within me to lean on the Cowboy for stuff. I'm very stubborn and protective of my independence so he's had to remind me several times to loosen the grips and let him take care of small things. Like hanging Christmas lights on my house, helping me bathe the dogs or take them to the vet. He's great about doing handyman stuff for me around my house too but it always makes me feel weird. It's been a real learning process for me to be single after 13 years. It's an adjustment to go from making decisions together to being the sole one responsible for everything. And I have to be honest, there are times I do call C and ask for his input. He's good about helping out when needed, I'm grateful for that.
A plus side of being adult though is that I can drink and wine is the perfect solution for a tough day. I already know which bottle I'll be opening tonight! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play legos with my four year old niece because I'm over being an adult today.
oh! And Happy New Year! May 2014 bring you everything you wish for and much happiness, laughter and love!
November 23, 2013
3 Pregnancies & an Engagement
I've had quite the week. The final design was chosen for my Dad's headstone, something we had put off for almost two years. I just couldn't bring myself to pick it out because it just made it so damn real. I chose the hospice service we used, made calls about his final days, and planned the entire funeral on my own. I just didn't have it in me to do this one last thing, the last step. My SIL took over and it's done and it's been hard to think about. It's going to be installed soon, just in time for the 2 year mark since he died.
Three pregnancy announcements also sent me in a tailspin this week. Three cousins all due next year. One with her first, one with her sixth and the other with her fourth and yes, they are all younger than me. They all got married after me as well. Out of all of us, I was so sure my marriage would last and that I'd have babies by now. Funny how pregnancies can still send me diving headfirst into a bottle of wine. I'm happy for them, babies are a blessing and I'll happily buy baby gifts and cuddle newborns when the time comes. But, oh my Lord, the blinding pain knocked me off my ass.
My little sister also got engaged last week. He's an incredible guy and even better father to my niece, whom he wants to adopt! I'm thrilled for her and I'm happy to pour over wedding magazines and gasp at beautiful gowns. It's just a little sting to think of my own gorgeous wedding dress (that I really need to get rid of) and my own wedding that I adored.
Everyone's life is advancing and it just feels like my own is just stuck in the same damn place. A place I didn't plan for or chose but a place that was handed to me nonetheless. It's a place I can handle and I've made as much peace as I can with being in it. But, sometimes, the absurdity of it all just slams into me and takes my breath away. I am really 30 years old, divorcing, childless and jobless. This is my life and it's crazy. Thank God for my family, friends, the Cowboy and great wine!
C finally signed the divorce papers this week too. I signed under his name and submitted them to my lawyer. They go before the judge this week and he'll grant the decree and it'll be done. 13 months after he left and 12 months after I filed, an end is truly in sight. It's the most bittersweet feeling I have ever felt. There is no other way to word it.
This week was challenging. It all came at me at once and I felt so damn overwhelmed. I got properly drunk and cried my eyes out. I'm feeling better now but still fighting that stupid cold. On bed rest so it won't turn into pneumonia, like it usually does. See? All at once. I know next week will be better though. I have hope that it's all going to turn around soon.
Three pregnancy announcements also sent me in a tailspin this week. Three cousins all due next year. One with her first, one with her sixth and the other with her fourth and yes, they are all younger than me. They all got married after me as well. Out of all of us, I was so sure my marriage would last and that I'd have babies by now. Funny how pregnancies can still send me diving headfirst into a bottle of wine. I'm happy for them, babies are a blessing and I'll happily buy baby gifts and cuddle newborns when the time comes. But, oh my Lord, the blinding pain knocked me off my ass.
My little sister also got engaged last week. He's an incredible guy and even better father to my niece, whom he wants to adopt! I'm thrilled for her and I'm happy to pour over wedding magazines and gasp at beautiful gowns. It's just a little sting to think of my own gorgeous wedding dress (that I really need to get rid of) and my own wedding that I adored.
Everyone's life is advancing and it just feels like my own is just stuck in the same damn place. A place I didn't plan for or chose but a place that was handed to me nonetheless. It's a place I can handle and I've made as much peace as I can with being in it. But, sometimes, the absurdity of it all just slams into me and takes my breath away. I am really 30 years old, divorcing, childless and jobless. This is my life and it's crazy. Thank God for my family, friends, the Cowboy and great wine!
C finally signed the divorce papers this week too. I signed under his name and submitted them to my lawyer. They go before the judge this week and he'll grant the decree and it'll be done. 13 months after he left and 12 months after I filed, an end is truly in sight. It's the most bittersweet feeling I have ever felt. There is no other way to word it.
This week was challenging. It all came at me at once and I felt so damn overwhelmed. I got properly drunk and cried my eyes out. I'm feeling better now but still fighting that stupid cold. On bed rest so it won't turn into pneumonia, like it usually does. See? All at once. I know next week will be better though. I have hope that it's all going to turn around soon.
October 29, 2013
My heart is happy
So, I've been dating the Cowboy for almost 5 months now. He makes this cold, black heart of mine smile. He's about as different from C as a guy could be but I like that. I wasn't planning or looking for a relationship but he came along and just changed everything! I mentioned in this post that we met online. We started messaging which led to texting which led to phone calls that lasted until 5 in the morning. I'd go into work so damn tired but grinning from ear to ear. Our first date lasted almost 12 hours and the sparks were undeniable. We became official about a month later, neither of us were interested in dating other people. We spent the most amazing Summer together and I was worried that it was just a summer romance but here we are at the end of October and still going strong.
Our dates are always fun and unpredictable, he makes me laugh so hard. My friends all like him and my dogs adore him. My family has been a slow process bc it's been difficult for them to accept a guy who isn't C, it's been a bumpy road with them. But, things are smoothing out and they're happy to see me so happy. I was so nervous to meet the Cowboy's family, considering the last time I met parents was when I was a dumb teenager. Not to mention that my relationship with my XIL's was strained due to the language barrier. But, his mom is awesome and we really get along very well! His parents are divorced and his dad isn't a big part of his life so I haven't met him yet. But he's the oldest of six with three brothers and two sisters and I've met all of them except for a brother who lives up north. His other brothers are hilarious though and I love hearing stories about the chaos four little boys caused growing up! His sisters are young- early twenties and the other is still in elementary school. The little one stole my heart and I just love her!
What surprised me about the Cowboy was just how much we have in common. It's nice to visit museums with someone who enjoys it as much as me, it's nice to watch football with someone who yells at the tv as much as me, it's nice to geek out over HP, superheroes and zombies with someone and it's nice to feel appreciated for all my little quirks. Not to mention that he can sing and that is the sexiest thing to me! He's actually auditioning for a major talent competition in the beginning of next year, maybe you'll see him on tv next season.
He's bearded, tattooed and pierced bc all of that is just so damn hot to me but he's a cowboy, hence his code name. He looks hot in a cowboy hat and in a fedora, which is now my favorite hat on a guy, ever! He's very well rounded and I like that so much. I've never had a guy touch me so gently or kiss me so passionately. The looks he gives me just melts me on a regular basis. He surprises me weekly with a different little treat- flowers, a sweet card, a corny stuffed animal or by doing something sweet like drawing me a candle lit bubble bath or giving me an amazing massage. Oh and he can cook. Seriously have no idea how he was single!
Of course he's not perfect, we do have speed bumps as I learn how to be in a relationship that isn't C and as he adjusts to dating a woman outside his race (I'm Mexican and he's White, not hugely different but different nonetheless) and also as we learn each other. Normal relationship growing pains, I gather. He's not perfect- his farts smell, he can be quite reserved and he's been through his own heartaches but I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for a guy who can be honest, faithful and perfectly content with dating a woman who is as far from perfect as a person can be. A woman who dealt with IF, buried her father and lost her long time love a mere ten months later. A woman whose family lives with her and whose XH is still around occasionally. Essentially, a man who looks at my baggage and doesn't blink an eye. Who sees me and likes what he sees.
I'm grateful he's in my life bc he's taught me so much and I am enjoying him so much. I'm cautiously excited to see where this goes.
Our dates are always fun and unpredictable, he makes me laugh so hard. My friends all like him and my dogs adore him. My family has been a slow process bc it's been difficult for them to accept a guy who isn't C, it's been a bumpy road with them. But, things are smoothing out and they're happy to see me so happy. I was so nervous to meet the Cowboy's family, considering the last time I met parents was when I was a dumb teenager. Not to mention that my relationship with my XIL's was strained due to the language barrier. But, his mom is awesome and we really get along very well! His parents are divorced and his dad isn't a big part of his life so I haven't met him yet. But he's the oldest of six with three brothers and two sisters and I've met all of them except for a brother who lives up north. His other brothers are hilarious though and I love hearing stories about the chaos four little boys caused growing up! His sisters are young- early twenties and the other is still in elementary school. The little one stole my heart and I just love her!
What surprised me about the Cowboy was just how much we have in common. It's nice to visit museums with someone who enjoys it as much as me, it's nice to watch football with someone who yells at the tv as much as me, it's nice to geek out over HP, superheroes and zombies with someone and it's nice to feel appreciated for all my little quirks. Not to mention that he can sing and that is the sexiest thing to me! He's actually auditioning for a major talent competition in the beginning of next year, maybe you'll see him on tv next season.
He's bearded, tattooed and pierced bc all of that is just so damn hot to me but he's a cowboy, hence his code name. He looks hot in a cowboy hat and in a fedora, which is now my favorite hat on a guy, ever! He's very well rounded and I like that so much. I've never had a guy touch me so gently or kiss me so passionately. The looks he gives me just melts me on a regular basis. He surprises me weekly with a different little treat- flowers, a sweet card, a corny stuffed animal or by doing something sweet like drawing me a candle lit bubble bath or giving me an amazing massage. Oh and he can cook. Seriously have no idea how he was single!
Of course he's not perfect, we do have speed bumps as I learn how to be in a relationship that isn't C and as he adjusts to dating a woman outside his race (I'm Mexican and he's White, not hugely different but different nonetheless) and also as we learn each other. Normal relationship growing pains, I gather. He's not perfect- his farts smell, he can be quite reserved and he's been through his own heartaches but I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for a guy who can be honest, faithful and perfectly content with dating a woman who is as far from perfect as a person can be. A woman who dealt with IF, buried her father and lost her long time love a mere ten months later. A woman whose family lives with her and whose XH is still around occasionally. Essentially, a man who looks at my baggage and doesn't blink an eye. Who sees me and likes what he sees.
I'm grateful he's in my life bc he's taught me so much and I am enjoying him so much. I'm cautiously excited to see where this goes.
October 12, 2013
1 year since he left me
The 10th officially marked a whole year since C walked out. Or, rather, a year since he called me and told me over the phone, like a coward. I can't stop remembering what was going on at this time last year; how I was feeling, what I was doing. There's actually not a lot I can remember, I was just so depressed. The first couple of months after he left are a big fog in my mind and I'm grateful to not really remember too much. I do know that I rarely got out of bed, I wasn't eating and I was crying so many tears that I'm surprised I didn't run out. I was also drinking, a lot. I'd crawl out of bed around 2pm, choke down some water and maybe a pickle or a carrot and then I'd sit under my covered patio, listening to sad country music and drinking. My family would come out periodically to check on me and friends would text but mainly I'd just drink and cry. I asked a lot of why questions and then I'd get so angry. I'd stumble into bed around 4am, too exhausted and drunk to process that I was crawling into our empty bed and do it all again the next day.
The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.
A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.
I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.
This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.
The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.
A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.
I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.
This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.
July 10, 2013
The Game Changer
I was perfectly content to whore my little heart out and was having quite a lot of fun doing just that. Then, I randomly checked out on a guy on OKC and to my surprise, we rated each other at exactly the same time, which led to us messaging each other. I immediately told my co-worker that he was a game changer but I laughed about it bc I wasn't interested in anything serious, at all.
Fast forward 3 weeks and yeah, I'm seeing him. I call him the Cowboy and he is pretty damn awesome. We have so much in common and we make each other just laugh and laugh! He's divorced, no kids, and works with animals, which makes me swoon! Oh, he's also a singer and I adore hearing him sing, it makes me swoon even more. Our dates are always unpredictable, our first was to the zoo and we ended up spending the entire day together. We just couldn't stop talking! He is the sweetest kisser and the sparks are amazing between us.
He lives about 35 minutes away so we don't see each other a whole lot but squeeze time in whenever we can. I spent the holiday weekend with him and that was so much fun! He is so different from C in almost every way and it's so nice being around him bc it's just so easy with him. He's pretty laidback and it's cool to have so many shared interests with someone. I really like him and I'm excited to see where this goes but I'm not over-thinking it. I just focus on today and don't think about the future much, that is just borrowing trouble, IMO
The truly wonderful part is that I had just realized how great my life is, how full and complete it is. I had just told my sister that I had realized I made my own life amazing, without a guy, and that a guy would just be the cherry on top my cake. I didn't, and don't, need a man to define me or complete me or make me happy. That's when the Cowboy entered my life, such perfect timing. And it still holds true, my life is fucking fantastic, the Cowboy is just the cherry on top.
Fast forward 3 weeks and yeah, I'm seeing him. I call him the Cowboy and he is pretty damn awesome. We have so much in common and we make each other just laugh and laugh! He's divorced, no kids, and works with animals, which makes me swoon! Oh, he's also a singer and I adore hearing him sing, it makes me swoon even more. Our dates are always unpredictable, our first was to the zoo and we ended up spending the entire day together. We just couldn't stop talking! He is the sweetest kisser and the sparks are amazing between us.
He lives about 35 minutes away so we don't see each other a whole lot but squeeze time in whenever we can. I spent the holiday weekend with him and that was so much fun! He is so different from C in almost every way and it's so nice being around him bc it's just so easy with him. He's pretty laidback and it's cool to have so many shared interests with someone. I really like him and I'm excited to see where this goes but I'm not over-thinking it. I just focus on today and don't think about the future much, that is just borrowing trouble, IMO
The truly wonderful part is that I had just realized how great my life is, how full and complete it is. I had just told my sister that I had realized I made my own life amazing, without a guy, and that a guy would just be the cherry on top my cake. I didn't, and don't, need a man to define me or complete me or make me happy. That's when the Cowboy entered my life, such perfect timing. And it still holds true, my life is fucking fantastic, the Cowboy is just the cherry on top.
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