What about the memories?

The other night, I decided to clean out my computer and back-up recent photo shoots. This led to me poking around on my external hard drive and coming across photos from 2009-2010. Photos in Arkansas, with old friends, and of course, XH. Hundreds of photos of a full life, one that definitely seemed happy. Evidence of a couple who seemed to be very happily married and enjoying life. It was the strangest thing to be looking at now, so many years later and post-divorce. M wasn't paying too much attention but I guess it eventually caught his eye and so I started explaining many of the photos to him. Who the people were, where we were at, what was going on. And then the avalanche of memories just started coming.

2009 was a difficult year, spent dealing with azoospermia and PCOS. IF was so damn hard on us and our marriage. 2010 wasn't much better with the roller coaster of postponing a few IVFs and looking into adoption. There was a lot of goodness sprinkled in though, just enough to keep us sane. But, looking back, I think those two years are where I can pinpoint our decline. That's when our marriage started failing and we stopped trying. It simply became too much and we just coasted. I can also pinpoint 2011 as the beginning of the end. XH became increasingly cruel and emotionally abusive, his manipulation took on a whole new level.The strain really took a toll on me and my self-esteem. My depression overwhelmed me and I finally got help from a doctor. Just as the meds actually started helping, my Dad died. Two months after he died, XH told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore but refused divorce and counseling. Instead, we decided to move back to TX and well, now here I am.

Here I am. Mindful of the bad but also stuck with countless memories that are good. He wasn't always an asshole, he was a great husband up until a certain point. So what do I do with all these good memories? The ones that do bring a smile to my face or make me laugh. The ones where everything aligned and our small world didn't revolve around IF or cancer or anything but each other for a moment. The hikes we went on where we marveled at the pure beauty around us, the night drives out into the middle of nowhere to stare at countless stars, the road trips we spent listening to stand-up comedy and laughing our asses off, the nights we couldn't sleep so instead whispered in the dark about childhood memories or future plans. What about those memories? Do they truly mean nothing now? Are they rendered meaningless because we divorced?

It's not like they haunt me, they honestly seldom cross my mind. But they are there and I don't want to just ignore them or act like the good never happened. I don't want the bad he did to outweigh the good. He was once something much more than my ex-husband who broke my heart in ways I can't explain. He's not somebody that I hate or wish ill on but he's also not somebody that I want in my life. It's just odd now and hard to explain. I'm past all the pain and tears and I got through that part without being bitter towards him, though it took a lot to get to that point, honestly. I'm grateful for that.

It's quite nice to not hate him but it's quite nice to not love him either.

My heart is happy

So, I've been dating the Cowboy for almost 5 months now. He makes this cold, black heart of mine smile. He's about as different from C as a guy could be but I like that. I wasn't planning or looking for a relationship but he came along and just changed everything! I mentioned in this post that we met online. We started messaging which led to texting which led to phone calls that lasted until 5 in the morning. I'd go into work so damn tired but grinning from ear to ear. Our first date lasted almost 12 hours and the sparks were undeniable. We became official about a month later, neither of us were interested in dating other people. We spent the most amazing Summer together and I was worried that it was just a summer romance but here we are at the end of October and still going strong.

Our dates are always fun and unpredictable, he makes me laugh so hard. My friends all like him and my dogs adore him. My family has been a slow process bc it's been difficult for them to accept a guy who isn't C, it's been a bumpy road with them. But, things are smoothing out and they're happy to see me so happy. I was so nervous to meet the Cowboy's family, considering the last time I met parents was when I was a dumb teenager. Not to mention that my relationship with my XIL's was strained due to the language barrier. But, his mom is awesome and we really get along very well! His parents are divorced and his dad isn't a big part of his life so I haven't met him yet. But he's the oldest of six with three brothers and two sisters and I've met all of them except for a brother who lives up north. His other brothers are hilarious though and I love hearing stories about the chaos four little boys caused growing up! His sisters are young- early twenties and the other is still in elementary school. The little one stole my heart and I just love her!

What surprised me about the Cowboy was just how much we have in common. It's nice to visit museums with someone who enjoys it as much as me, it's nice to watch football with someone who yells at the tv as much as me, it's nice to geek out over HP, superheroes and zombies with someone and it's nice to feel appreciated for all my little quirks. Not to mention that he can sing and that is the sexiest thing to me! He's actually auditioning for a major talent competition in the beginning of next year, maybe you'll see him on tv next season.

He's bearded, tattooed and pierced bc all of that is just so damn hot to me but he's a cowboy, hence his code name. He looks hot in a cowboy hat and in a fedora, which is now my favorite hat on a guy, ever! He's very well rounded and I like that so much. I've never had a guy touch me so gently or kiss me so passionately. The looks he gives me just melts me on a regular basis. He surprises me weekly with a different little treat- flowers, a sweet card, a corny stuffed animal or by doing something sweet like drawing me a candle lit bubble bath or giving me an amazing massage. Oh and he can cook. Seriously have no idea how he was single!

Of course he's not perfect, we do have speed bumps as I learn how to be in a relationship that isn't C and as he adjusts to dating a woman outside his race (I'm Mexican and he's White, not hugely different but different nonetheless) and also as we learn each other. Normal relationship growing pains, I gather. He's not perfect- his farts smell, he can be quite reserved and he's been through his own heartaches but I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for a guy who can be honest, faithful and perfectly content with dating a woman who is as far from perfect as a person can be. A woman who dealt with IF, buried her father and lost her long time love a mere ten months later. A woman whose family lives with her and whose XH is still around occasionally. Essentially, a man who looks at my baggage and doesn't blink an eye. Who sees me and likes what he sees.

I'm grateful he's in my life bc he's taught me so much and I am enjoying him so much. I'm cautiously excited to see where this goes.

Confusion

Getting on with life after divorce is a strange concept to me. It's impossible to just shut down all those feelings and I find it confusing how up and down I am most of the time. I am happier than I've been in a long time and often I am so glad to have C out of my life. We rarely have contact and I much prefer it that way, I need space to sort it all out. I was doing so good and was on such a high this past week. Then C called yesterday to announce he was in town and on his way over to return some of my stuff and pick up a couple of his things.

Seeing him after two months was like a punch to the gut. He looked damn cute and all I wanted to do was throw myself into his arms. Instead we fought and said horrible things before calming down and talking like adults. While he was here, I got a phone call that one of my uncles lost his battle with cancer. C never said a word about it and left today to go back. I just wanted to cry in his arms and it made me so sad that I couldn't. I'm so upset with myself for feeling this way and cried because I really wish I didn't love him anymore. I really don't wish to see him and it's a good thing he's moving to NY so I won't have to randomly bump into him around town.

My feelings are all jumbled up now. Grief over my uncle, which brings back memories of my Dad's death. Grief over my failed marriage, which makes me fear I'll suck at any future relationship. Anger that I still care about C and desperation that I'll never truly get over his stupid ass. I want to hate him and oh man, sometimes I do, but I also still love him and that hurts the most. I pray at night for God to take away my love for C but so far, it's not happening. Guess it doesn't quite work that way, unfortunately.

All this happened Saturday and it's ironic but I had such a great Friday. I had been text-flirting with KA all day and had made out with a cute guy at a bar that night. I was feeling so good about my life! Now I just feel sad, I know this will pass but getting to that other side is such a bitch. I really need a fast forward button, wouldn't that just be so much easier than processing feelings and having to feel all these damn emotions?

Any good thoughts and prayers are much appreciated right now. The next few days are going to be very hard for me and my family. Cancer is a bitch.