Wedding Anniversaries

Tomorrow would have been my ninth wedding anniversary. It's such an awkward date to remember now. But I can't help but remember it. Most of the important days from that relationship are just etched into my mind- our first kiss, our first date, the date we became "us", the day he proposed, the dates we bought our houses, and of course, the date we split up. A long history spanning from 1999 to 2013, I guess you're just bound to remember after that long. Those days mostly pass without me really feeling anything, or remembering if I don't prompt myself. But this one is actually giving me a little bit of a pause.

A pause to reflect a little. I never imagined nine years ago that our outcome would end up so drastically different from what we envisioned. No one does though, who plans for divorce? The first few years of our marriage weren't bad, I have fond memories. Everything started going downhill after the azoo dx and came to a halt when my father died. He actually came to me a mere three months after my Dad's death to tell me that his feelings for me had changed. But we stuck it out for a few more months, moving back to TX and everything in hopes that we would find our way out of such a bad place. It never happened, obviously.

Instead, I write this as a divorced woman, who has happily moved on and found something with a man I never dreamed was a reality. I'm a very blunt, honest person, it's both my best and worst quality. But I just couldn't be honest with myself in my marriage. Not that I'm too hard on myself about that, the hardest thing is being honest with yourself. I will gladly hold up the truth mirror for others but when it comes to catching a glimpse of myself, I avoid it at all costs. I'd like to think I've changed that aspect of myself but I'm not really sure. I guess it's still hard for me to face the truth.

But, the truth is, my marriage failed and that sucks. Not because I miss XH or yearn for a life with him, but because I failed. I know he shares the blame, believe me, but I'm not responsible for his failings, only my own. And my own hurt me more than he ever did. I think part of the reason I'm so adamant about not remarrying is because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to hold up my end of the bargain. I failed once, I really, really don't want to fail again. I can't do that to myself or to a man who loves me.

Of course, I am only a couple years post-divorce, who knows how I'll feel in the future. I have hope that I'll learn to forgive myself...and trust myself again.

Hope is Mine

C stopped by again last night, making that two weeks in a row. He seems like he's on the verge of saying something but just can't bring himself to actually do it. We talked for an hour outside, him sitting in his truck and me standing in the open door. He turns his heater vent towards me so I don't completely freeze. We talk about his work, our families and friends, catch each other up on our lives and sometimes discuss what happened with us. Talking about our demise is always sad and it upsets me but not like it use to do. I can talk with a level head and so can he. We're reached a good place but man did it take us a while to get here.

I think we're friends or at least we're on our way to being friends. We still joke around and make each other laugh. Sometimes it strikes me as so odd that I'm standing there laughing with this man who I know so intimately yet not at all anymore. For a brief moment last night, I saw past the bullshit of the last year and caught a glimpse of how we use to be, before it all fell epically apart. It was a bittersweet feeling. I got a little teary eyed because our divorce will actually be final this week. I was standing with my husband for the last time and that just touched something deep inside me.

I married C so young but so in love. I was so proud to be his wife and adored calling him my husband. I was so very proud to carry his last name too. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that we would be divorcing. And I know I'll always carry a smidgen of this pain with me, just like I'll always love C. He's 13 years of my life and carries within him so many shared memories. I wouldn't be who I am today without him. So I don't regret one single moment with him. This divorce was the best thing for us though, as individuals. I've grown so much and I really am quite happy with my life at the moment.

He needed to be on the other side of the state by morning so when it began to sprinkle, we started winding down our talk. I looked at him and pointed out that this was our last time together as husband and wife. I hugged him pretty tight and touched his cheek, one last time. Told him to be careful and walked back into my house as he drove away. I never looked back, just marched straight inside.

I've been through hell the last few years. I'm very proud of the person I've become because I fought like hell to become her. This is my life and it's nothing like I imagined but it is wonderful. My past is bittersweet but it's behind me now and I'm excited about everything that lies ahead of me. A big, blank canvas that is entirely up to ME to paint. I'm just getting started but I can tell it's gong to be a beautiful picture in the end.

Hope is mine. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Roller Coaster

 My feelings are all over the place these days and like most complicated things, divorce is such an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I'm depressed and sometimes I hate his damn guts and enjoy being single. I spend a vast majority of my time being pissed at him. It swings back and forth between love and hate so easily that it confuses me. It leaves me in awe that I once loved this person with everything in me and now I just don't know how I feel. SATC said it best, "If you love someone and break up, where does the love go?" and I really wonder where it all went. Is it hiding? Did it disappear? Will it ever return? Do I want it to? So many emotions and so many feelings, it's exhausting.

Loneliness is my biggest problem though and it's what keeps me from my bed until I am sure I can fall right to sleep. I miss cuddling with someone and watching tv and making dinner together. I miss talking about our day and really I just miss sharing my life with someone, I miss my best friend. Our bed seems so huge now and sometimes memories of how it used to be make me so restless that I hop in my car and drive around. It's the damnedest feeling.

It's the oddest thing to be single again at 29. Not sure how to date and I can't remember what flirting is like or how to do it. Totally clueless about sex with someone other than C and honestly the thought terrifies me. I've never been with another man, C was my first. Out of everything that messes with my mind, the thing that hurts the most is the whole baby thing. C would be a great father but probably won't get the chance and now I have the chance. I can get pregnant and that really fucks with my mind.

It all messes with me and I hate it all. Damn him for walking away, damn him.

Our Unusual Summer

I'm not sure what's up with my body but it's been messing with me lately. I'm guessing it's finally being on thyroid medicine and the correct dosage of met.formin that is doing it. But after ten years of no/seldom periods, I've had two this Summer. The entire month of May, which was just as fun as it sounds, and now again. AF is making me feel like a teenage girl again too, I'm super emotional and craving chocolate, which I normally hate. I'm an emotional basket case and it's driving me crazy! C is being really sweet with me, I have no clue what I'd do without that man. He's indulging my cravings for ice cream cones, rubbing my back, picking up Mid.ol for me and just being an all around great husband.

AF aside, things have been hectic and stressful in our house as we pack, move and try to close on two houses. Our Arkansas house closing has been pushed twice and it's so frustrating seeing how we already moved everything to Texas. We are currently camped out in the living room, eating take out all the time and no entertainment other than a radio, my Nook and our laptops. We were only suppose to be here for two days so we only brought one suitcase back here and have had to run out and buy more clothes. Oddly enough, it's not as miserable as it could be. We're having a lot of fun and watching a ton of movies, although we are so sick of take out! We should find out early next week when we're finally closing and once that is determined, I'll know when we can close on the TX house. Once we're back in TX and waiting, we'll be staying with my ILs. Pray for me.

We celebrated six years of marriage last weekend, but didn't really do much. Went out for a casual dinner since we have nothing nice to wear and went for a ride on the motorcycle. After the crap we put our marriage through this past Spring, we were just so happy to be in a good place that it didn't matter what we did to celebrate. We have a tradition of watching our wedding video and luckily it was still in the house so we were able to watch it. Made me really sad to see my Dad and both Grandpas that have since passed. The grieving is getting better but it still hurts something awful.

I miss normalcy. And our bed and watching tv and having more than 4 pairs of shorts and 5 shirts and mostly, home cooked food. I'm ready to officially end this chapter of our lives and start the new one. Ready for a change and to live near family after 6 years of living away from them. Ready, so ready!

Be blessed, lovies and enjoy your weekend!

spiraling downhill

Want to know how to almost cause a woman to have an emotional breakdown? 4 months after her father dies, tell her that her marriage sucks. Guess I'd been too busy mourning to acknowledge that C and I were failing at this whole happily married thing. He so sweetly told me one night after a week of tense arguing between us. Granted he sobbed as he told me his feelings but all I wanted to do was stab him, repeatedly...with a dull knife...in his manly areas...and then dunk him in salt water. I somehow managed to not murder him but did spend a week curled up in a ball, crying and barely eating.

The talks that ensued between us were emotionally exhausting and eye-opening. Factor in a marriage counselor and some soul searching and you end up with two people who are determined to make this work again. Although C's timing sucks major ass, I can't really blame him for breaking down himself. It's been hard for us. Extremely hard. A friend of mine listed all that we've been through in the span of 3 years: my Dad's stroke and subsequent cancer diagnosis, my numerous health problems, infertility, infertility surgeries, finding out about his azoospermia, him switching jobs twice, his cousin committing suicide, my Dad's death and now the stress of building a home back in our hometown and selling our current one. Once I fully realized this, I almost wanted to run away screaming and never look back. Start over again somewhere else and invent a new identity. I seriously keep waiting for my life to stabilize and be normal but it feels like that never happens. I am so tired of living through crisis after crisis.

Dealing with the emotions of his breakdown and it's affect on me has been complicated. Seeing him have the breakdown was painful, more painful than watching my Dad die, to be honest. C's always been so strong and resilient that it just seemed so strange. He's been diagnosed with depression and prescribed medicine so I truly feel like he didn't do this out of spite or to be an asshole. But that doesn't make it easier for me to understand the mess it seems like he made. Our therapist reminds me that it took two of us to make a marriage and it'll take two of us to keep a marriage. So, I'm not completely blameless. I can see where I went wrong and so can he. So we've been spending a lot of time reconnecting and really talking. Doing things that we enjoy together and remembering what life is like when you are laughing and smiling.

We love each other, I know that's half the battle and I know fighting for us is worth it. The titanic sank after only ONE iceberg. What the hell did I expect after we hit a glacier, repeatedly?

3 Years and IF later...

Our wedding anniversary was this past week, three years already. Wow, it went by so fast and now here we are. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that this is the road we would be taking. When your planning and dreaming of your future, you never contemplate that things might go to shit. We have accomplished a lot in our short marriage but it's what is unattainable that is killing us. I sit here, on an anniversary high, knowing that AF will be arriving in the next couple of days. Talk about a buzz kill! Still awaiting the SA results and to schedule my HSG, fun times ahead. But, enough IF crap, I want to be sappy about my husband!


C is my best friend, he never fails to make me laugh my ass off and he is always willing to take part in my crazy schemes. He usually just grins and bares whatever I end up getting us into. He loves adventure just as much a I do and we have as much in common as we don't. I wish we weren't dealing with IF but I can't imagine a better partner in this journey then C. Here's to the next 50 years, can't wait to see what lies ahead!