We went to our second opinion fully prepared to hear some more of what we have already been told. We both were trying to pretend that we weren't wishing, hoping and praying for a miracle. I sat with C through an extensive questioning of his medical history, our TTC journey and sex life. I witnessed a very thorough physical examination and was able to assist him in collecting semen for our 4th SA. Then we were told to wait for the results and to finally see Dr. L. After what felt like forever, but was really only 40 minutes, Dr. L strolled in and made me cry.
4 sperm. There were 4 sperm in the SA. 4 SPERM!! Two thoughts flew through my mind, where the hell had they been hiding and isn't 4 the most beautiful number, ever? Dr. L informed us that we would more than likely be sending Dr. Nuts a baby picture of C's biological child. He thinks Dr. Nuts is a total idiot and did everything wrong. Dr. L suspects a blockage and has ordered a transrectal ultrasonography (TRUS) and a seminal vesicle aspiration (SVA) for December 21. He also ordered a ton of blood work, including a Y-Chromosome Analysis to check C's DNA.
The 4 were not perfect, 3 were non-motile and only 1 was motile. Based on that, Dr. L said we would be ushered right into IVF, but that didn't surprise us. Well, it scares us but it doesn't surprise us. I cannot describe to you how it felt to be told this. We were in utter shock, I was crying my eyes out and C couldn't stop smiling. We are so glad that we didn't stop with Dr. Nut's or Dr. Insensitive's advice to adopt b/c C is sterile. I am so happy that I didn't ignore my instinct and traveled 500 miles to get another opinion. I am so grateful that God didn't turn His back on me and gave us this break.
As excited as we are, we also know that 4 does not equal a baby and that sperm doesn't equal a successful IVF cycle. But, 4 is so much more than 0. 4 is amazing. 4 is a miracle. 4 is hope.
Showing posts with label SA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SA. Show all posts
November 9, 2009
August 19, 2009
two lost souls
There have now been three SAs and all of them zero. How much I now hate that number! Zero seems so cold and heartless, I never though that a number could shatter your dreams and cause you to sob uncontrollably. The only good news is that Dr. Nuts has ruled out the possibility of a tumor and the bad news is that the doctor is pushing us to adopt. That is a grand total of TWO doctors that have given up on us. They are pushing us to give up before we know anything, how the hell can they do that? It makes me so angry but mainly, it just makes me incredibly sad. What a horrible summer we have had and I am really looking forward to Fall.
Dr. Nuts recommended C have a testicular biopsy and a vasography, which is an x-ray of the vas deferens. We will know our future around September 17, which is both a huge relief and an extremely scary thought. Oddly enough, I am not freaking out over this and neither is C, at least not yet. We're just going to pray like crazy that there is evidence of sperm. Seriously, praying is now my favorite thing to do and it brings me such peace. It's nice to have something I can do that calms me down and allows me some peace.
I really need something like this now that C is in Oklahoma for a month. Ever since the azoo dx, I have been super clingy and needy. C is the only thing that can soothe me and I feel like such a loser admitting all of this. I promise I'm not as pathetic as it sounds, I'm not all up in C's kool-aid 24/7, I just have been leaning on him a tremendous amount lately. He's been the same with me and we've finally reached a level of comfort in talking about the azoo and it's effect on our life. I'm going to visit him in a couple of weeks and I can't wait!
As much faith as I have in God and prayer, I am anxious for these tests to be over. I am ready to know for sure rather or not we can have biological children because it's killing me to watch everyone around me get pregnant so easily. It's bad enough to be experiencing IF without adding to it this unknown phase of gathering information/testing. This blank wasteland where all we know is that no sperm has been present in ejaculation and we don't know if there is any at all. It's torture and I hate being stuck in the middle between hope and despair. Not knowing if I'll ever be able to experience pregnancy or childbirth. If I'll ever be able to watch C hold a newborn that looks so much like him or if we will ever gaze at our sleeping child, marveling over how much he or she looks like us. I hate not knowing and I'm tired of hurting.
Dr. Nuts recommended C have a testicular biopsy and a vasography, which is an x-ray of the vas deferens. We will know our future around September 17, which is both a huge relief and an extremely scary thought. Oddly enough, I am not freaking out over this and neither is C, at least not yet. We're just going to pray like crazy that there is evidence of sperm. Seriously, praying is now my favorite thing to do and it brings me such peace. It's nice to have something I can do that calms me down and allows me some peace.
I really need something like this now that C is in Oklahoma for a month. Ever since the azoo dx, I have been super clingy and needy. C is the only thing that can soothe me and I feel like such a loser admitting all of this. I promise I'm not as pathetic as it sounds, I'm not all up in C's kool-aid 24/7, I just have been leaning on him a tremendous amount lately. He's been the same with me and we've finally reached a level of comfort in talking about the azoo and it's effect on our life. I'm going to visit him in a couple of weeks and I can't wait!
As much faith as I have in God and prayer, I am anxious for these tests to be over. I am ready to know for sure rather or not we can have biological children because it's killing me to watch everyone around me get pregnant so easily. It's bad enough to be experiencing IF without adding to it this unknown phase of gathering information/testing. This blank wasteland where all we know is that no sperm has been present in ejaculation and we don't know if there is any at all. It's torture and I hate being stuck in the middle between hope and despair. Not knowing if I'll ever be able to experience pregnancy or childbirth. If I'll ever be able to watch C hold a newborn that looks so much like him or if we will ever gaze at our sleeping child, marveling over how much he or she looks like us. I hate not knowing and I'm tired of hurting.
August 12, 2009
then comes the rain
I officially hate Dr. Insensitive and her nurse. I am never going back to see her and I am making an appointment with a RE very soon. I don't know, they are just too casual about this whole thing and seem so irritated with all my questions and concerns. That is the last thing I need in dealing with the hell that is IF. But, I finally have the results of the SA and it's still heartbreaking. No sperm and he produced less of a sample then the first time, that is the heartbreaking part. It wasn't easier to hear this time around and it was even harder to tell C this time then before. Tomorrow is his appointment with Dr. Nuts and I have a long list of questions for that doctor. We have one last SA and C is having a really hard time getting motivated. I know that is TMI but I'm being honest. He was so upset this morning and just couldn't do it, he was on the verge of tears. I feel terrible and I can't imagine how he must feel. Going to try again tonight, hopefully it works.
It is getting harder and harder to believe this is going to end in a biological child for us. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's not in the cards for us. I just have a gut feeling. Some days, I am ok with thinking about this but then, there are those days that the mere thought drives me to tears. Days when I can't see anything baby related without that stab to my heart, when it's hard to get out of bed and face the world. I can feel the anger growing, how can it be that we are dealing with this? That anybody has to deal with this? How are incredibly stupid people blessed with fertility and we aren't? I try very hard to be rational about the whole thing, I pray and try to stay hopeful but it's increasingly harder to bury the pain, anger and faith-questioning.
When IF is in your life, you have good days and you have bad days. Today is a bad IF day. I know that a good day is on the horizon and that is what gets me through the bad. But, today I am just going to wallow in the badness and let myself feel crappy because I truly believe you must endure the pain to appreciate the joy.
It is getting harder and harder to believe this is going to end in a biological child for us. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's not in the cards for us. I just have a gut feeling. Some days, I am ok with thinking about this but then, there are those days that the mere thought drives me to tears. Days when I can't see anything baby related without that stab to my heart, when it's hard to get out of bed and face the world. I can feel the anger growing, how can it be that we are dealing with this? That anybody has to deal with this? How are incredibly stupid people blessed with fertility and we aren't? I try very hard to be rational about the whole thing, I pray and try to stay hopeful but it's increasingly harder to bury the pain, anger and faith-questioning.
When IF is in your life, you have good days and you have bad days. Today is a bad IF day. I know that a good day is on the horizon and that is what gets me through the bad. But, today I am just going to wallow in the badness and let myself feel crappy because I truly believe you must endure the pain to appreciate the joy.
July 18, 2009
and then it all comes crashing down
Yesterday just might have been the worst day of my life. My doctor called and told me that the SA had zero sperm, she actually said, "Sorry but your husband is sterile." My world spun out of control and I cried for hours. C wasn't home, he is working OOT, but luckily a friend was here visiting so I wasn't alone. Calling and telling C was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do. He took it all in stride and seems to be in denial. Demanding second and third opinions, which I'm actually demanding fourth and fifth opinions. I am still shocked but haven't cried all day, yet anyway. I just can't wait for C to get here so that we can hold each other and cry together.
We're going to do a follow-up SA and make an appt with a urologist. I'm also going to start seeing an RE, I'm too pissed at my gyno to continue seeing her. She actually implied that doing the HSG would be a waste of time, you know, since my husband is shooting blanks and all. I'm going to a vitamin store today and buying everything I can get my hands on for C. I've been googling like mad and my mind is loaded with all kinds of information that I wish I didn't have to deal with. I can't even express how devastated I feel, how it feels like all our baby dreams have gone up in smoke and how scared I am about what effect this will have on our marriage. I don't think I can stomach being around babies or pregnant women anymore.
Mainly, I keep thinking, "WHY?" Why in the hell is this happening to us? Why couldn't this just be IF on my part? Why C too? He's the nicest person I know, such a sweetheart and this is just all so wrong. I can't imagine what lies ahead for us now but, Lord do I hope it includes a baby.
We're going to do a follow-up SA and make an appt with a urologist. I'm also going to start seeing an RE, I'm too pissed at my gyno to continue seeing her. She actually implied that doing the HSG would be a waste of time, you know, since my husband is shooting blanks and all. I'm going to a vitamin store today and buying everything I can get my hands on for C. I've been googling like mad and my mind is loaded with all kinds of information that I wish I didn't have to deal with. I can't even express how devastated I feel, how it feels like all our baby dreams have gone up in smoke and how scared I am about what effect this will have on our marriage. I don't think I can stomach being around babies or pregnant women anymore.
Mainly, I keep thinking, "WHY?" Why in the hell is this happening to us? Why couldn't this just be IF on my part? Why C too? He's the nicest person I know, such a sweetheart and this is just all so wrong. I can't imagine what lies ahead for us now but, Lord do I hope it includes a baby.
July 8, 2009
More tests
My big appointment was Monday, the one that I was super anxious and excited for. I barely slept the night before because I was a bundle of nerves and I am so glad that C went with me. It was a quick visit with Dr. J, she ordered a semen analysis (SA) for C and a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) for me. After the HSG is done, we are going to stop the prometrium for a cycle to see if I can have a period on my own. I'm not happy about potentially wasting a cycle but what else can we do? C asked the doctor what more we could be doing to help us and she told us, "Just keep doing it." We laughed about that afterward! We're learning, that sometimes, having sex isn't the easiest way to conceive a child.
The SA was collected this morning and dropped off at the lab within 20 minutes of collection and we are very nervous to get the results. C was so shy about the whole thing, it was cute. I hate that he had to but at this point, whatever it takes! We're praying that everything comes back normal. Next up is the HSG, once AF arrives next week I'm to call and schedule the procedure. It seems pretty harmless but I'm a natural worrywart so of course this is stressing me out. I'll be happy to get it done and to get the results of both tests.
It all seems very surreal to me. I can't believe I'm dealing with IF and talking about HSGs and SAs. As I hear myself say these words, it just sounds so odd. It makes me wonder if soon I'll be talking about IUIs and IVFs. I've dealt with talking about Clomid and other type drugs but haven't really contemplated what it will be like if we have to move beyond that to more invasive methods. Having PCOS has brought this whole new world into my life, one that I wish I never had to deal with. But, God has led us down this path for a reason and I have faith that this path ends in us having a family.
The SA was collected this morning and dropped off at the lab within 20 minutes of collection and we are very nervous to get the results. C was so shy about the whole thing, it was cute. I hate that he had to but at this point, whatever it takes! We're praying that everything comes back normal. Next up is the HSG, once AF arrives next week I'm to call and schedule the procedure. It seems pretty harmless but I'm a natural worrywart so of course this is stressing me out. I'll be happy to get it done and to get the results of both tests.
It all seems very surreal to me. I can't believe I'm dealing with IF and talking about HSGs and SAs. As I hear myself say these words, it just sounds so odd. It makes me wonder if soon I'll be talking about IUIs and IVFs. I've dealt with talking about Clomid and other type drugs but haven't really contemplated what it will be like if we have to move beyond that to more invasive methods. Having PCOS has brought this whole new world into my life, one that I wish I never had to deal with. But, God has led us down this path for a reason and I have faith that this path ends in us having a family.
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