December 22, 2009


I am not sure what to think and have spent the past 24 hours in a daze. My mind is swimming with information and questions. All I really want is to cry, a good long cry with Carlos holding me. I'm just done, completely worn out and over it all. I just want Christmas to be over, the New Year to start and normalcy to return to my life. I am hating being at my ILs house and I am hating the weather here in TX. I am sad that C's cousin's wife went into labor today and I am trying to think of excuses to not go see the new baby but I know that it'll be impossible to do so without looking like a total bitch. I'm also sad that my BFF is due any day now and even after I go home, I'll have to be around a newborn.

Mainly, I'm sad that we are on a forced break. I am so mad too. Dr. L told us that we are young and we have time. I am so SICK of hearing that. We've been TTC for 21 months, well, TTC without sperm so can you really call it TTC? He said we might get KU on our own. Really? How? Considering I don't ovulate or have periods? I just wanted to smack him out of frustration. I am so tired of hearing doctors tell us we are young and have time. I'm almost 27, that is young but we wanted a baby 21 months ago and now you're telling me another year. Does he not know how devastating that is to hear? There is no guarantee that the surgery will work. It may all be for nothing.

I keep thinking about Mother's Day and Father's Day, how at least this year we would be in the process of IVF to help ease the sting. But, nope, the sting will not be lessened by the hope of a pregnancy now. I keep trying to look on the bright side of things; how it's another year to save money, how if it does work maybe we could get pregnant on our own or how I could use this break to lose weight but I still feel so sad. I can't even look at my old posts without feeling stupid, all that positive thinking bit me in the ass. I've lost my hope and it's such a depressing feeling.

bah humbug


  1. ohh your post just breaks my heart. I have just recently started reading your blog- and I just want you to know that I am thinking about you guys. IF isn't fair and seeing others with what we want is even more unfair. there are no words to make it better, but I just want you to know someone out in cyber space is thinking of you during this difficult time. ((HUGS))

  2. Oh my.. I am in the SAME place. In fact my last post my title Break. :)
    I don't want to be on a break, I don't want to stop trying.. with no sperm and no ovulation.
    If it brings any comfort.. I am right here with you. You are not alone.