Divorce

I've put off writing this post for two months now because the idea of it just broke my heart. C asked for a divorce in October and I very sadly and reluctantly agreed. It's been a very, very hard couple of months with lots of tears, fights and what the hell do I do now moments. The fog is just now starting to clear and I start counseling next week. I'm stronger every day and I've learned to just take it moment by moment.

C gave me multiple reasons and each one broke my heart more and more. I spent the first three weeks very drunk and then I caught double pneumonia and was hospitalized for four days. Then my old friends from high school descended and kicked my butt into gear. Everyone is just shocked, including our families and it's been hard on my family in particular. They feel like they lost another family member so soon after losing my Dad and it's been especially hard on our 8 year old nephew, who is very close to C. Christmas will no doubt be gloomy again this year and I feel terrible about it.

I don't want this but we already filed and it'll be finalized around Valentine's Day. I still love the idiot but I can't make him love me. All I can do is walk away and hope like hell God has a GREAT plan in store for me. If His plan includes C and I reconciling, awesome. But, if not, then I know something even better is in the future.

It hurts like nothing I've ever experienced, losing the one constant in my life since I was sixteen. He's such a different person now and it makes me feel sorry for him. I'd love to kick his ass, if I didn't still care so much.

So from an infertility blog to a woman getting destroyed by divorce blog, buckle up because it's going to be interesting dating again at 30 for the first time since I was a teenager. But, like always, hope still exists. Now it's just mine.