August 25, 2016

Busy Summer

It's been a busy summer and it feels so good now that things are settling down! I spent much of the last few weeks getting my oldest nephew ready for college because he was offered a baseball scholarship! I am so proud of him! I went with my brother and SIL to help move him into his dorm recently and it was such an emotional experience. He's now happily settled in Kansas, over ten hours away from us, and that is challenging for my close-knit family! But we are insanely proud and can't wait for his first visit back home for Fall break.

My dad's birthday recently passed too. It was an emotional day, of course, but I was also busy preparing to leave for Kansas so that distraction was nice. The pain was quieter this year than previous years. Which surprised me, especially since Father's Day sucked like it usually does and I expected the same for his birthday. I had trouble sleeping the night before his birthday, I just didn't want to lay in the dark reliving his last moments over and over. So I ended up awake and surfing the Internet until I was too exhausted to think and passed out. I wish he was still here and could see my nephew in college to play baseball. My Dad loved the game, coached my brother from little league until he stopped playing in high school, and played on a softball league until his stroke. He never missed either of my nephews' games and even attended two of their games while on hospice.

I know he's watching now, I just wish I could see his reaction to it all. How thrilled he'd be, the advice he'd be yelling out to him on the field, the snark he'd lever towards the coaches and umpires, the pure awe he would surely feel to see his grandson doing what we all dreamed, hoped, and prayed for when he was a little four year old playing for the YMCA.

My nephew received a lot of advice in the weeks before he left from everyone. I even sat him down to talk about safe sex and consent, which I've lectured him about since he was fourteen, but I wanted to really drive it home. I told him that his Grandpa is and always will be watching over him with pride. That my dad always said being their Grandpa was his life's greatest treasure. I told him with love like that watching over you from Heaven, how can you ever fail? Try everything with gusto and enjoyment because how can you fail? Spread those wings and soar, because how can you fail?

And even if you do fall on your face, if you stand back up and keep going, how did you fail? Redefine failure as not trying, not getting back up, as not daring to live like failure doesn't exist.

Lord, I hope he listens and takes it to heart. I hope he seizes the day and squeezes every last drop of greatness out. And when it doesn't work, or he has a bad day, I hope he looks up into the sky and feels all that love so he can try again tomorrow.

July 9, 2016

Three Years

Summer is usually such a fun time for me, but this one has been very different from my usual experience. No pool time and we've only been to the beach once! Total first world problems, I know! It's just been disgustingly hot and humid, the sultry nights offer no relief either. I fear our light bill every month because the ac is just running and running. Ugh. And it's barely the beginning of July, we still have two months before it'll cool off enough to even attempt to venture outside before 7pm.

M and I recently celebrated three years of us. We did a low-key date night and laughed at how quickly three years has gone by. It's crazy that it all started with an online dating site and a date to the zoo that went on long after the zoo closed. We just couldn't stop talking and not much has changed. We still talk each others ears off! I never imagined I could be loved like this, that someone would understand me without me having to explain myself, or that there was someone out there who has so much in common with me. It's a nice change of pace to be with someone like him.

Still no firm wedding plans, I really think we will just turn to each other some random day with that look and run off to elope. Something very low-key and very us. So, lots of music, some good beer, and nobody but us. There really isn't anyone else I want there, other than my family, but if we invite mine, then we'd have to include his too. And his family is a bunch of Trump lovin' crazies, so I'm not keen on that idea. My liberal, Mexican family would eat them alive.

But, then again, I'm in no rush. Marriage just doesn't hold the dream it use to! We really are quite happy with things as they are, we forget we aren't legally married. It's just other people pressuring us and bugging us with wedding talk!

July 1, 2016

Cutting people out

It's been an interesting summer so far. We are settled into our new place and spending a lot of time with family, which is so nice. We really enjoy our new town, which is small and quaint. It reminds me so much of the small central Arkansas town I lived in. Which is nice for my homesickness! I do randomly get struck with pangs of longing for Arkansas, but they pass because I am extremely happy to be back home. I miss my best friend something fierce but I have a visit planned for later this month, I am so excited to see her!

Father's day was rough. Really rough. I was in a bad mood the whole week leading up to it and couldn't figure out why until that Friday. I was picking fights on FB like crazy, taking all my anger out in the comments of posts about guns, LBGT rights, and Drumpf. It was great fun to troll crazies but it also led to me deleting 12 family and friends, which made me really sad. It still is making me sad that I had so many people in my life who support Drumpf and refuse to see logic about anything going on in the world today. Stupidity makes my heart hurt.

The one person who is upsetting me the most is a friend I've known since high school. He's truly not a good person but I guess I stayed friends with him for nostalgia. Our friendship cooled while I was married because he was messy but we picked it back up after my divorce. Where he continued to cross lines and be disrespectful. He finally crossed my last line, which is surprising because I usually forgive everything and let it go.

But I don't want to be that way anymore. I have to have boundaries, otherwise people walk all over me and take advantage. They just assume I'll let it go eventually. But I've come to realize that shitty people aren't worth keeping in my life. They just stress me out and cause problems. So, I've cut a lot of people out. It's such a weird feeling but I know it's necessary, for my own health and sanity.

But it still sucks. 

June 3, 2016

Yet more bittersweetness

Later today I'll slip into a cute dress I recently bought and make the drive into Houston. I'll walk into that crowded stadium and make my way to a section filled with my family. And when they call my teenage nephew's name, I'm sure I'll be screaming my head off, while fighting back buckets of tears. He turned 18 last week, which was difficult on it's own, for him to be graduating this week is just totally overwhelming.

I was 15 when my brother placed a tiny bundle into my arms. As I stared at his sweet face, I fell deeply, hopelessly in love. A love that amazes me still, all these years later. Being an aunt is my favorite thing and his birth gave me that title. He'll always be special.  How I wish I could pause time and just soak it all up. Or maybe even go back in time, to the kid he was. Hug him more, take him to the toy store and let him pick anything out. Stuff him with candy and ice cream and pizza. Chase him around a park again. Apologize for anytime I scolded him, or said no to him, or didn't follow through with something I promised. I want a do over with my nephew!

I'm proud of him, insanely so. Nothing will change that and I'm excited to see where life takes him. I'm excited to watch him soar and make his place in the world. It's just bittersweet. And I'm sappy.

But, seeing how it's Friday, I thought he'd be the only thing on my gratitude list this week.

A, I am so grateful to be even a small part of the village that raised you. You are fantastic and I adore you. I'll always be here to cheer you on, without fail.

May 26, 2016

Closing

At long last the house is sold and closed and done. M and I found a charming apartment in a small town about 20 minutes from my hometown. Our new town is adorable and where my Mom grew up so I still have family here too. It actually reminds me of the small central Arkansas town I use to live in! We've been here two weeks and just love it more and more. The dogs are adjusting well too, which makes me happy.

XH helped us move, which I know sounds odd, but we've settled into a friendship and everyone gets along so it's a nice change of pace. He's spending time with my nephews again and has attended several family functions. He is the godfather to my 11 y/o nephew so I'm actually thrilled it's working out so well. Everyone in my life is losing their damn mind that we're friends, nobody understands it. But, that's a post for another day!

Closing on the house that XH and I had built was a mix of emotions. We were in the middle of moving all the last stuff so we were all at the house, XH included. In fact, he drove me to closing. We ended up being delayed at the title company for a couple of hours so we sat in the conference room and chatted about it all. The irony was not lost on me in the slightest.

That house represented so many things and walking away from it was truly heartbreaking. It was gorgeous and I loved it; all the space, the backyard, the location, the layout, the storage, the way I decorated it, the memories we made, and who I shared it with. All of it. In quiet moments in-between unpacking, organizing, and attending to our busy lives, I get hit with the longing to just go home to it. To sit in the backyard again and stare at the stars. To gossip with my Mom around the kitchen island. To walk into my brother's room and borrow a movie.

I think about the room I had imagined as a nursery when we built it. The last night there, M and I walked from room to room, double checking everything. I paused in the room and described to him how I would have set a nursery up, where the crib would have gone, the glider, the bookcase. What color I would have painted for a girl or for a boy. Then I told him just how sad it was to leave yet another house where I envisioned a nursery that never came to life.

I'm not sure kids are a part of my plan anymore but I am sure that it just plain sucks that my body made the choice for me about that.

April 28, 2016

What do you want?

What do you want? No, really, what do you want? It seems like a simple question at first glance but when you take a deeper glance, you realize just how loaded that question truly is. And some people know exactly what they want and can answer it somewhat easily. Then there are the people like me, who freak out because they don't really know. Or maybe they do and the answer scares them. Or the answer is too big or too different from what they can accept. Sometimes knowing what you want is overwhelming. Sometimes it's so different from where you started that you aren't ready yet to admit that.

What do I want? I think I kinda know. I want to be happy. I want to be at peace. I want financial freedom. I want to be fulfilled with my work. I want stacks of books, good food, and lots of laughs. I want people in my life who value me and respect me. I want to marvel at wondrous things. I want to smile in the sun and in the rain. I want to learn new things. I want regrets I can live with and choices that don't wrench my heart into pieces. I want nights under a starry sky with my lover. I want nights spent wrapped in blankets while the cool breeze dances across our faces. I want kisses and cuddles and inside jokes. I want laughter and music and dogs to fill our home. I want my chaotic family around me all the time.

Do I want kids? Yeah, sometimes I do. Sometimes I want kids so fucking bad that I can't breathe. But, yet, sometimes I'm ok that I don't have them. Sometimes I'm grateful that there isn't a tiny human depending on me.

It's really confusing to be on both sides of the fence. It's hurtful because my body is making the decision for me that kids aren't likely in the picture. It's upsetting that I'm use to not having kids of my own and the freedom that comes with that is rather nice. I'm happy and I have a full life despite being barren.

The real question is, will I always feel this way? Will I ever make peace with this? Will I regret not having them? Would I regret having them? Hard questions without easy answers. I just don't know what I want.

And sometimes I'm ok with that and sometimes it just really sucks.

April 8, 2016

Long time, no talk!

It's Friday! What is a better day to dust off the ol' blog and put my thoughts down after a long silence?! It's been busy lately and things aren't going to settle down until after May so I'm gearing up for even more busy-ness! Etsy has been slow lately, but we're in the midst of rebranding and website launching and more jewelry making so I'm not too bothered by the slowness. The photography has it's spurts of busy and slow, but again, I'm not minding too much. The house is finally under contract again and I'm ridiculously excited about that. All the packing isn't exciting but I just crank some music and get to it. My car decided to act up so it's been a lot to get it running smoothly again, ugh.

Things are great with M, we love Summer so we're excited to make fun plans and to celebrate three years together in June. We aren't thinking too much about wedding plans, other than to throw out ideas every now and then. We're extremely casual about it and I think it's one of those things that we'll decide last minute and throw it all together. At least that's what I hope!

Anyway, this is what I'm most grateful for these days:


* Friday night high school baseball games
* playing with my nephews & nieces
* cuddling my tiny nephew, he's almost 4 months old!
* movie nights with lots of junk food with M
* library trips
* cool nights and warm days, not too burning hot here yet, thankfully
* fun photo shoots
* making peace with the past
* planting flowers


I vowed to make this year a year of growth and expansion. It's really comforting to my soul to see the wheels I set into motion actually turning and making progress. I'm anxious to see just how far we'll progress this year!