November 23, 2016

Thanksgiving Eve

So, things have been easier, I'm finally out of my funk and loving life again. Don't get me wrong, I dealt with more ugly drama in late October but it's past me now,. And it's Thanksgiving eve, so I thought now would be the perfect time to remind myself of all the good in my life with a good ol' fashioned grateful list!

This Thanksgiving I am grateful for:

* M, who I swear is the best cuddler in the world
* my family, they are annoyingly opinionated but I adore them
* my BFF, I hate that she's in AR and I'm here but she really gets me through it all
* good books and magazines
* Netflix, finally binged Gilmore Girls and OMG, it was annoyingly great
* me time, it's essential to my mental health
* my dogs, they may ruin every rug I buy but I adore their furry butts
* boozy lunches with a longtime friend, perfect for girl talk and laughing



November has been not great. The election bothered me and I've dealt with a couple of racist moments since. Both were unsettling but only one was truly upsetting. I sincerely hope this isn't the new normal.

Hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving, filled with great food and loved ones!

October 4, 2016

People still suck

I feel like I blinked and now it's October. This year has just flown by, particularly the last couple of months. It feels like Summer just started and now it's over and Fall has arrived. Time really goes by faster the older you get. I'm actually relieved though because it's been a hard year for me and I'm just so over it. I'm such a hopeful, grab life by the balls and carpe diem the shit out of it person, so it sucks when I'm counting down the days for a new start.

If I've learned anything in the last few years, it's that life is hard. And dammit if I'm not sick and tired of it being so damn hard. I'm ready for simplicity and easy sailing on smooth seas. But it seems that isn't part of the plan for me, at least not yet. And yes, I know things could be worse, I know that better than most. But that doesn't mean I can't complain. There is no pain olympics or threshold to be met before a person can bitch and moan.

It's been a hard time lately with XH, with FI, with well meaning friends and family who butt their noses into my life on the regular. It seems everyone has an opinion about my life and how I should be living it. It's tiring and frustrating and maddening. Can I just live? Where were all these opinions when I was severely depressed and a raging bitch? Why didn't any of these people point out what I couldn't see about myself? Especially XH, well, mainly him. Nobody was closer to me and he didn't even throw me a lifeline. Nobody in my life tried to help me when I was desperately drowning and literally couldn't see how that was affecting me.

But now? Oh now they all rush in to point out my "failings" and where I should improve my life. So many opinions. And eventually, after hearing from multiple people, it starts to mess with your head. And you start to wonder if they are right. Because your trust in your own judgment isn't 100% since you were so obviously wrong about your marriage and husband. It's hard to trust yourself now because it went so catastrophically bad.

I need a vacation. Far, far away from all these well meaning people. Where I can sleep late, read, watch too much tv, and stare at beautiful starry skies. And ignore all these people who think they know me better than I know myself.

August 25, 2016

Busy Summer

It's been a busy summer and it feels so good now that things are settling down! I spent much of the last few weeks getting my oldest nephew ready for college because he was offered a baseball scholarship! I am so proud of him! I went with my brother and SIL to help move him into his dorm recently and it was such an emotional experience. He's now happily settled in Kansas, over ten hours away from us, and that is challenging for my close-knit family! But we are insanely proud and can't wait for his first visit back home for Fall break.

My dad's birthday recently passed too. It was an emotional day, of course, but I was also busy preparing to leave for Kansas so that distraction was nice. The pain was quieter this year than previous years. Which surprised me, especially since Father's Day sucked like it usually does and I expected the same for his birthday. I had trouble sleeping the night before his birthday, I just didn't want to lay in the dark reliving his last moments over and over. So I ended up awake and surfing the Internet until I was too exhausted to think and passed out. I wish he was still here and could see my nephew in college to play baseball. My Dad loved the game, coached my brother from little league until he stopped playing in high school, and played on a softball league until his stroke. He never missed either of my nephews' games and even attended two of their games while on hospice.

I know he's watching now, I just wish I could see his reaction to it all. How thrilled he'd be, the advice he'd be yelling out to him on the field, the snark he'd lever towards the coaches and umpires, the pure awe he would surely feel to see his grandson doing what we all dreamed, hoped, and prayed for when he was a little four year old playing for the YMCA.

My nephew received a lot of advice in the weeks before he left from everyone. I even sat him down to talk about safe sex and consent, which I've lectured him about since he was fourteen, but I wanted to really drive it home. I told him that his Grandpa is and always will be watching over him with pride. That my dad always said being their Grandpa was his life's greatest treasure. I told him with love like that watching over you from Heaven, how can you ever fail? Try everything with gusto and enjoyment because how can you fail? Spread those wings and soar, because how can you fail?

And even if you do fall on your face, if you stand back up and keep going, how did you fail? Redefine failure as not trying, not getting back up, as not daring to live like failure doesn't exist.

Lord, I hope he listens and takes it to heart. I hope he seizes the day and squeezes every last drop of greatness out. And when it doesn't work, or he has a bad day, I hope he looks up into the sky and feels all that love so he can try again tomorrow.

July 9, 2016

Three Years

Summer is usually such a fun time for me, but this one has been very different from my usual experience. No pool time and we've only been to the beach once! Total first world problems, I know! It's just been disgustingly hot and humid, the sultry nights offer no relief either. I fear our light bill every month because the ac is just running and running. Ugh. And it's barely the beginning of July, we still have two months before it'll cool off enough to even attempt to venture outside before 7pm.

M and I recently celebrated three years of us. We did a low-key date night and laughed at how quickly three years has gone by. It's crazy that it all started with an online dating site and a date to the zoo that went on long after the zoo closed. We just couldn't stop talking and not much has changed. We still talk each others ears off! I never imagined I could be loved like this, that someone would understand me without me having to explain myself, or that there was someone out there who has so much in common with me. It's a nice change of pace to be with someone like him.

Still no firm wedding plans, I really think we will just turn to each other some random day with that look and run off to elope. Something very low-key and very us. So, lots of music, some good beer, and nobody but us. There really isn't anyone else I want there, other than my family, but if we invite mine, then we'd have to include his too. And his family is a bunch of Trump lovin' crazies, so I'm not keen on that idea. My liberal, Mexican family would eat them alive.

But, then again, I'm in no rush. Marriage just doesn't hold the dream it use to! We really are quite happy with things as they are, we forget we aren't legally married. It's just other people pressuring us and bugging us with wedding talk!

July 1, 2016

Cutting people out

It's been an interesting summer so far. We are settled into our new place and spending a lot of time with family, which is so nice. We really enjoy our new town, which is small and quaint. It reminds me so much of the small central Arkansas town I lived in. Which is nice for my homesickness! I do randomly get struck with pangs of longing for Arkansas, but they pass because I am extremely happy to be back home. I miss my best friend something fierce but I have a visit planned for later this month, I am so excited to see her!

Father's day was rough. Really rough. I was in a bad mood the whole week leading up to it and couldn't figure out why until that Friday. I was picking fights on FB like crazy, taking all my anger out in the comments of posts about guns, LBGT rights, and Drumpf. It was great fun to troll crazies but it also led to me deleting 12 family and friends, which made me really sad. It still is making me sad that I had so many people in my life who support Drumpf and refuse to see logic about anything going on in the world today. Stupidity makes my heart hurt.

The one person who is upsetting me the most is a friend I've known since high school. He's truly not a good person but I guess I stayed friends with him for nostalgia. Our friendship cooled while I was married because he was messy but we picked it back up after my divorce. Where he continued to cross lines and be disrespectful. He finally crossed my last line, which is surprising because I usually forgive everything and let it go.

But I don't want to be that way anymore. I have to have boundaries, otherwise people walk all over me and take advantage. They just assume I'll let it go eventually. But I've come to realize that shitty people aren't worth keeping in my life. They just stress me out and cause problems. So, I've cut a lot of people out. It's such a weird feeling but I know it's necessary, for my own health and sanity.

But it still sucks. 

June 3, 2016

Yet more bittersweetness

Later today I'll slip into a cute dress I recently bought and make the drive into Houston. I'll walk into that crowded stadium and make my way to a section filled with my family. And when they call my teenage nephew's name, I'm sure I'll be screaming my head off, while fighting back buckets of tears. He turned 18 last week, which was difficult on it's own, for him to be graduating this week is just totally overwhelming.

I was 15 when my brother placed a tiny bundle into my arms. As I stared at his sweet face, I fell deeply, hopelessly in love. A love that amazes me still, all these years later. Being an aunt is my favorite thing and his birth gave me that title. He'll always be special.  How I wish I could pause time and just soak it all up. Or maybe even go back in time, to the kid he was. Hug him more, take him to the toy store and let him pick anything out. Stuff him with candy and ice cream and pizza. Chase him around a park again. Apologize for anytime I scolded him, or said no to him, or didn't follow through with something I promised. I want a do over with my nephew!

I'm proud of him, insanely so. Nothing will change that and I'm excited to see where life takes him. I'm excited to watch him soar and make his place in the world. It's just bittersweet. And I'm sappy.

But, seeing how it's Friday, I thought he'd be the only thing on my gratitude list this week.

A, I am so grateful to be even a small part of the village that raised you. You are fantastic and I adore you. I'll always be here to cheer you on, without fail.

May 26, 2016

Closing

At long last the house is sold and closed and done. M and I found a charming apartment in a small town about 20 minutes from my hometown. Our new town is adorable and where my Mom grew up so I still have family here too. It actually reminds me of the small central Arkansas town I use to live in! We've been here two weeks and just love it more and more. The dogs are adjusting well too, which makes me happy.

XH helped us move, which I know sounds odd, but we've settled into a friendship and everyone gets along so it's a nice change of pace. He's spending time with my nephews again and has attended several family functions. He is the godfather to my 11 y/o nephew so I'm actually thrilled it's working out so well. Everyone in my life is losing their damn mind that we're friends, nobody understands it. But, that's a post for another day!

Closing on the house that XH and I had built was a mix of emotions. We were in the middle of moving all the last stuff so we were all at the house, XH included. In fact, he drove me to closing. We ended up being delayed at the title company for a couple of hours so we sat in the conference room and chatted about it all. The irony was not lost on me in the slightest.

That house represented so many things and walking away from it was truly heartbreaking. It was gorgeous and I loved it; all the space, the backyard, the location, the layout, the storage, the way I decorated it, the memories we made, and who I shared it with. All of it. In quiet moments in-between unpacking, organizing, and attending to our busy lives, I get hit with the longing to just go home to it. To sit in the backyard again and stare at the stars. To gossip with my Mom around the kitchen island. To walk into my brother's room and borrow a movie.

I think about the room I had imagined as a nursery when we built it. The last night there, M and I walked from room to room, double checking everything. I paused in the room and described to him how I would have set a nursery up, where the crib would have gone, the glider, the bookcase. What color I would have painted for a girl or for a boy. Then I told him just how sad it was to leave yet another house where I envisioned a nursery that never came to life.

I'm not sure kids are a part of my plan anymore but I am sure that it just plain sucks that my body made the choice for me about that.