October 4, 2016

People still suck

I feel like I blinked and now it's October. This year has just flown by, particularly the last couple of months. It feels like Summer just started and now it's over and Fall has arrived. Time really goes by faster the older you get. I'm actually relieved though because it's been a hard year for me and I'm just so over it. I'm such a hopeful, grab life by the balls and carpe diem the shit out of it person, so it sucks when I'm counting down the days for a new start.

If I've learned anything in the last few years, it's that life is hard. And dammit if I'm not sick and tired of it being so damn hard. I'm ready for simplicity and easy sailing on smooth seas. But it seems that isn't part of the plan for me, at least not yet. And yes, I know things could be worse, I know that better than most. But that doesn't mean I can't complain. There is no pain olympics or threshold to be met before a person can bitch and moan.

It's been a hard time lately with XH, with FI, with well meaning friends and family who butt their noses into my life on the regular. It seems everyone has an opinion about my life and how I should be living it. It's tiring and frustrating and maddening. Can I just live? Where were all these opinions when I was severely depressed and a raging bitch? Why didn't any of these people point out what I couldn't see about myself? Especially XH, well, mainly him. Nobody was closer to me and he didn't even throw me a lifeline. Nobody in my life tried to help me when I was desperately drowning and literally couldn't see how that was affecting me.

But now? Oh now they all rush in to point out my "failings" and where I should improve my life. So many opinions. And eventually, after hearing from multiple people, it starts to mess with your head. And you start to wonder if they are right. Because your trust in your own judgment isn't 100% since you were so obviously wrong about your marriage and husband. It's hard to trust yourself now because it went so catastrophically bad.

I need a vacation. Far, far away from all these well meaning people. Where I can sleep late, read, watch too much tv, and stare at beautiful starry skies. And ignore all these people who think they know me better than I know myself.

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