So, here it is, my 100th post. It only took me practically 2 years of blogging to get here! I have postponed the giveaway since I am still in TX because of my Dad's health issues. We're waiting on some tests to see what the next step is but I'm really worried about him. I loathe seeing my Dad like this and I hate spending time in hospitals so I'm pretty grumpy these days. Lucky C!
Anyway, being back home is always an interesting experience for me. On one hand, I adore our families and love spending time with everyone. But, on the other hand, I never feel as infertile as I do when I'm around them. I just feel absolutely barren and empty when I'm here. Seeing C's old crib at my IL's makes me wonder if our child will ever sleep in it, just as my other nephews and niece have. Watching my two nieces play together makes me wonder if I'll ever watch my child play with their cousins. Will it ever be me that pushes the stroller and wonders where the diaper bag is? Will I ever complain about missed naps, disobedient toddlers and shopping for school supplies? When will I be the mommy the cute baby is crawling towards? When will it be our turn? Why hasn't it been our turn yet? When can we go back home where I can not be constantly reminded just how empty my ute is?
I haven't felt like this is a while now. IF is in our lives, we don't forget it's presence, but it's easier to live with when we are back in Arkansas, which is strange because our best friends have kids and one is pregnant. But it's not as hard to be IF when I'm with them as it is when I'm with my family. And it's not like anyone here is going out of their way to be hurtful, it's just that the life we've built around IF comes crumbling down when we're home. Here it doesn't matter that we sleep late, drink often and have lots of spontaneity in our activities, it makes no difference how far we've come in making a little bit of peace with IF or that we try to not be bitter and jealous. All that matters here is what we don't have and it feels like someone is shining a huge spotlight on our infertility, which makes it glaringly obvious what is missing and what we're ignoring.
We're infertile, how the hell did I manage to forget that?
I'm so sorry that it's so rough to be around family. My immediate family is fine, but extended is much harder to deal with because they haven't been very sensitive in the past. I think that's changed but I rarely go home because of it. My parents come to see me most of the time.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that your IF journey is so difficult. IF just plain sucks in every way. Sigh. It tries to suck the joy out of every moment. I know that it's nearly impossible but if you can switch your thinking from 'if' to 'when' I've found that helps a lot! I don't say 'if' we have kids any more. It's purely a matter of when because we are going to whatever lengths it takes to have a family. Adoption, IVF, embryo adoption/donation, potentially surrogacy, etc. Of all of the IF blogs I've been reading, usually kids DO enter the picture although it may not be the way originally planned. I know that for me, switching my thinking to 'when' versus 'if' has given me the ability to enjoy the present rather than begrudge it as just more waiting. My hubby and I can enjoy our time as couple much easier and we celebrate our DINK status and the freedom it gives for the moment because we know it's not going to last. It's just a thought, and not a particularly easy transition to make, but if you can make it, it will make a ton of difference.
Thank you for your sweet comment on my blog.
I'm also visiting family in TX, taking a break from TTC. We learn how to navigate IF in our own environments--we have our routines, the people, places and behaviors we avoid so our run-ins and awkward conversations are more manageable there. A new environment means learning how to navigate all over again. Not to mention being with family, which is, like you said, a constant reminder of what we don't have. A Texas hug for you for ICLW.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the 100th post!
ReplyDeleteIF is something that you will eventually learn to deal with on a daily basis and although there are certainly times when it completely consumes you, I promise you that there will be days when you don't think of it much at all. hang in there!
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
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ReplyDeleteCongrats on your 100th post, I also had my 100th yesterday!!
ReplyDeleteI also find it hard to be around my family, I always feel they are looking like I am some sort of failure because I haven't given them a grandchild, niece or nephew.
Good luck with your next step!!
ICLW #97
I can so relate to so much fo this post. After our BFN yesterday I said so many of these things to my hubby, especially the stuff about the cousins and being the mommy the baby crawls towards. I am sending you big hugs as you endure your stay in TX.
ReplyDeleteIF does seem to permeate our lives through and through. It's funny when we forget about it for a moment. Then it comes back in a big way. Hoping that things get better once you get back home.
ReplyDeleteICLW