So, here it is, my 100th post. It only took me practically 2 years of blogging to get here! I have postponed the giveaway since I am still in TX because of my Dad's health issues. We're waiting on some tests to see what the next step is but I'm really worried about him. I loathe seeing my Dad like this and I hate spending time in hospitals so I'm pretty grumpy these days. Lucky C!
Anyway, being back home is always an interesting experience for me. On one hand, I adore our families and love spending time with everyone. But, on the other hand, I never feel as infertile as I do when I'm around them. I just feel absolutely barren and empty when I'm here. Seeing C's old crib at my IL's makes me wonder if our child will ever sleep in it, just as my other nephews and niece have. Watching my two nieces play together makes me wonder if I'll ever watch my child play with their cousins. Will it ever be me that pushes the stroller and wonders where the diaper bag is? Will I ever complain about missed naps, disobedient toddlers and shopping for school supplies? When will I be the mommy the cute baby is crawling towards? When will it be our turn? Why hasn't it been our turn yet? When can we go back home where I can not be constantly reminded just how empty my ute is?
I haven't felt like this is a while now. IF is in our lives, we don't forget it's presence, but it's easier to live with when we are back in Arkansas, which is strange because our best friends have kids and one is pregnant. But it's not as hard to be IF when I'm with them as it is when I'm with my family. And it's not like anyone here is going out of their way to be hurtful, it's just that the life we've built around IF comes crumbling down when we're home. Here it doesn't matter that we sleep late, drink often and have lots of spontaneity in our activities, it makes no difference how far we've come in making a little bit of peace with IF or that we try to not be bitter and jealous. All that matters here is what we don't have and it feels like someone is shining a huge spotlight on our infertility, which makes it glaringly obvious what is missing and what we're ignoring.
We're infertile, how the hell did I manage to forget that?