humbling

Never in my wildest dreams did I think C would walk out on me, even during the hardest parts. But, really, who could fathom their husband would ever leave? I was so smug about us, who finds their soulmate when they're sixteen I would ask my friends, how lucky am I to have done so I would exclaim. I would laugh that I would suck at being single and about how I could never date. I thanked God every night for my wonderful husband and constantly told C how much I loved him, how much I appreciated him and how amazing I thought he was. I insisted that I didn't believe in divorce and that people who thought marriage was hard, were doing it wrong. I loved him blindly and trusted him more than anyone else on the face of the earth. He was the center of my universe and I always said that if I lost him, I'd lose everything, especially after I lost my Dad.

Eating my words has been very humbling and it's exactly what I deserve after being such a pompous asshole. It's caused me to do a lot of self reflection the last two months and I have learned a lot about myself. Things I didn't want to acknowledge before and things I just flat out lied to myself about. But so much self reflection has also deepened my faith and it's mostly prayer getting me through the day. That's not saying I don't occasionally get angry and rage at God. I rant about the unfairness of C walking out ten months after my Dad died, I bitch about the scariness that comes from having an uncertain future and I sob because I feel like part of my soul is missing. My heart hurts most days and sometimes I wish I didn't love C so much. I ask God how he could have been so wrong about C and I question His judgement. Why give me 13 years and then have it end like this? How could C do this to me, to us? What kind of person am I to still love such a jackass?

I feel the most anger when I think about how C made a promise to my Dad when he was dying and how he has now just completely spit on my father's grave. Why build a house in TX, move my family in with us and then just walk away from it all. I just don't get it and C won't talk about that stuff. He refuses to talk about us because we're over and so I don't get closure of any kind. This isn't the man I've known for so damn long, I don't know who this person is and it makes me very sad for him.

And maybe I'm an idiot or maybe I'm in denial but I still have hope that C will come to his senses. He says things that lead me to believe he isn't 100% convinced he really wants it. But, I'm not banking on it and I'm preparing for the worst the best I can. But, I do have a tiny request, if you are the praying kind, can you please pray for the restoration of my marriage? At this point, I just can't give up quietly and slink off, that's just not who I am. I will fight for us until the judge dissolves our marriage and then I will walk out of the courtroom and never look back. It's just the way I am. But I desperately hope it doesn't come to that.