The other night, you were so kind to help me with my car issues, seeing how M and I aren't exactly mechanically inclined. Yeah, it's a little odd to see you and M occupy the same physical space but we are all grown ups and handled it so well. You two were even talking and laughing, which made it less awkward and I'm grateful. It makes me happy to see the two of you raising above any perceived slights and bad feelings. You made it slightly awkward when you kept bringing up memories and telling him stories about me from our marriage but M laughed it off in the moment and teased me.
After you finished up with the car, and M excused himself to return some work calls, you and I lingered to talk about house stuff, our families, and how work has been for each of us. I'm not sure where we derailed into talking about our divorce and marriage but I see now that I should have immediately shut that down and made you leave. But, you refused to give me answers for so long that it's nice to now finally know the whys and hows. I've spent the better part of the last 3 years since our split thinking I was a failure at marriage, it's nice to know that you don't see it that way. It helps ease my guilt.
I have worked hard, and in lots of therapy sessions, to deal with my issues and correct them to the best of my ability. I am quite amazed at how far I have come since 2012. I am much happier, more confident, my germ issues have resolved, and I am so much more relaxed. I am no longer quick to anger now and my rage takes a lot to bubble up, my patience has multiplied tremendously. I am SO damn proud of myself.
For you to undermine all that hard work, frankly, pisses me off. To stand there and listen to you tell me that I'm not logical, that I'm high strung, and that you think I'm "ghetto" (which, eww, racist much?!) really and truly upset me. Not for long, mind you, because your words mean very little, coming from a man who doesn't know me anymore and who left me for another woman. But for a minute there, I was floored and quite pissed off.
For you, XH, who is the most uptight person I have ever encountered, to have such opinions about me is laughable. You view emotions as weakness and can't fathom why family should matter as much as they do to me. You care so much what other people think of you, which is odd considering how cold and cruel you can be, that you act stiffly at all times. You are so detached from emotion that you seem robotic. And while you can be funny, you are often funny at the expense of other people. Your refusal to bend is infuriating. Your arrogance about your own looks and sexual skills are laughable. You expect too much from people, especially from your partner.
I was mentally and emotionally broken at the end of our marriage, not just from losing my Dad, but from your constant judgment, snide remarks, and passive aggressive behavior. The house was never clean enough, I never cooked enough, I wasn't strict enough with the dogs, I wasn't saving enough money, I didn't dress right, my insomnia annoyed you because you insisted we go to bed at the same time and threw a fit if I wanted to stay up because Heaven forbid I wasn't tired when you were. I scrubbed the bathtub 6 damn times every time I cleaned it, lest you come home and sneer at me because it wasn't clean enough. I was CONVINCED that I was the crazy one because you told me I was. That all our problems were in my head. That I misread your words and actions because I liked drama. You told me these things over and over again. I believed you. I hated myself. I hated everything and everyone.
But no. None of that is true. You were simply an asshole. You were controlling and demanding and rude. You were emotionally abusive. It's taken a long time to see that, and the extent, but I do. It's hard to admit or talk about but I do. I rebuilt myself. I'm happy. And slightly messy because there is no one breathing down my neck to keep the house spotless at all times. I rarely wear makeup because IDGAF what other people think of my looks. I wear yoga pants to run errands. I drink rum when the mood strikes because nobody is saying I can't. I live my life for me and it's so fucking amazing and freeing that I want to weep from relief.
Get the fuck out with your gaslighting bullshit. Your attempts to try to start something with me are simply you trying to exert control over me again. I'm not having it. I don't hate you, although I probably should, I just feel nothing. And that is so, so wonderful.
Showing posts with label C. Show all posts
Showing posts with label C. Show all posts
February 3, 2016
November 23, 2015
Closure
I couldn't tell you the last time I saw XH. Well, up until last week anyway. Per our divorce decree, we're selling the house next month so we had to talk about that. Which led to him confessing that things aren't going great between him and the woman he left me for. I'm not surprised and was even kind of laughing about it, because, well, karma. He ended up coming over to patch a hole in the wall and ended up staying three hours. Just venting and talking about it all. It was so odd.
I was finally able to address some questions and get answers from him. Answers he had refused to give me before. It was nice for my own sake to get that last bit of closure. I've been thinking that I was just a horrible wife and it was nice validation to find out that while I wasn't perfect, our marriage ended mainly because of his own issues. I finally confronted him about the emotional abuse and manipulation from him. He apologized but could only defend himself with talk about how unhappy he was and how sorry he was that he took it out on me. I told him I wasn't seeking anything other than recognition that he did that and his owning up to it was a nice release for me.
In all his venting about his relationship I noticed such striking similarities with his complaints. And per his norm, he can't see his own issues and failings. It's amazing to me that he is so damn blind. It was also nice to get that last confirmation that our divorce was absolutely that best thing for me. I didn't fully doubt that but I also had this tiny pang of regret that comes from being a divorced woman, that comes from a failed marriage. It's a label I never expected or imagined so being at peace with it has been challenging at times.
When M got home that night, I gave him the biggest hug and kiss. I'm so grateful to have a man in my life who is my true partner, who brings out the best in me and makes me strive to be a better woman. I'm grateful to have built this life out of the scraps I was left with and I honestly wouldn't change a thing.
I will always be thankful for my time with XH but I will always be even more thankful that our time ended. Life is good, my complaints are few, and my heart is full.
I was finally able to address some questions and get answers from him. Answers he had refused to give me before. It was nice for my own sake to get that last bit of closure. I've been thinking that I was just a horrible wife and it was nice validation to find out that while I wasn't perfect, our marriage ended mainly because of his own issues. I finally confronted him about the emotional abuse and manipulation from him. He apologized but could only defend himself with talk about how unhappy he was and how sorry he was that he took it out on me. I told him I wasn't seeking anything other than recognition that he did that and his owning up to it was a nice release for me.
In all his venting about his relationship I noticed such striking similarities with his complaints. And per his norm, he can't see his own issues and failings. It's amazing to me that he is so damn blind. It was also nice to get that last confirmation that our divorce was absolutely that best thing for me. I didn't fully doubt that but I also had this tiny pang of regret that comes from being a divorced woman, that comes from a failed marriage. It's a label I never expected or imagined so being at peace with it has been challenging at times.
When M got home that night, I gave him the biggest hug and kiss. I'm so grateful to have a man in my life who is my true partner, who brings out the best in me and makes me strive to be a better woman. I'm grateful to have built this life out of the scraps I was left with and I honestly wouldn't change a thing.
I will always be thankful for my time with XH but I will always be even more thankful that our time ended. Life is good, my complaints are few, and my heart is full.
July 14, 2015
Wedding Anniversaries
Tomorrow would have been my ninth wedding anniversary. It's such an awkward date to remember now. But I can't help but remember it. Most of the important days from that relationship are just etched into my mind- our first kiss, our first date, the date we became "us", the day he proposed, the dates we bought our houses, and of course, the date we split up. A long history spanning from 1999 to 2013, I guess you're just bound to remember after that long. Those days mostly pass without me really feeling anything, or remembering if I don't prompt myself. But this one is actually giving me a little bit of a pause.
A pause to reflect a little. I never imagined nine years ago that our outcome would end up so drastically different from what we envisioned. No one does though, who plans for divorce? The first few years of our marriage weren't bad, I have fond memories. Everything started going downhill after the azoo dx and came to a halt when my father died. He actually came to me a mere three months after my Dad's death to tell me that his feelings for me had changed. But we stuck it out for a few more months, moving back to TX and everything in hopes that we would find our way out of such a bad place. It never happened, obviously.
Instead, I write this as a divorced woman, who has happily moved on and found something with a man I never dreamed was a reality. I'm a very blunt, honest person, it's both my best and worst quality. But I just couldn't be honest with myself in my marriage. Not that I'm too hard on myself about that, the hardest thing is being honest with yourself. I will gladly hold up the truth mirror for others but when it comes to catching a glimpse of myself, I avoid it at all costs. I'd like to think I've changed that aspect of myself but I'm not really sure. I guess it's still hard for me to face the truth.
But, the truth is, my marriage failed and that sucks. Not because I miss XH or yearn for a life with him, but because I failed. I know he shares the blame, believe me, but I'm not responsible for his failings, only my own. And my own hurt me more than he ever did. I think part of the reason I'm so adamant about not remarrying is because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to hold up my end of the bargain. I failed once, I really, really don't want to fail again. I can't do that to myself or to a man who loves me.
Of course, I am only a couple years post-divorce, who knows how I'll feel in the future. I have hope that I'll learn to forgive myself...and trust myself again.
A pause to reflect a little. I never imagined nine years ago that our outcome would end up so drastically different from what we envisioned. No one does though, who plans for divorce? The first few years of our marriage weren't bad, I have fond memories. Everything started going downhill after the azoo dx and came to a halt when my father died. He actually came to me a mere three months after my Dad's death to tell me that his feelings for me had changed. But we stuck it out for a few more months, moving back to TX and everything in hopes that we would find our way out of such a bad place. It never happened, obviously.
Instead, I write this as a divorced woman, who has happily moved on and found something with a man I never dreamed was a reality. I'm a very blunt, honest person, it's both my best and worst quality. But I just couldn't be honest with myself in my marriage. Not that I'm too hard on myself about that, the hardest thing is being honest with yourself. I will gladly hold up the truth mirror for others but when it comes to catching a glimpse of myself, I avoid it at all costs. I'd like to think I've changed that aspect of myself but I'm not really sure. I guess it's still hard for me to face the truth.
But, the truth is, my marriage failed and that sucks. Not because I miss XH or yearn for a life with him, but because I failed. I know he shares the blame, believe me, but I'm not responsible for his failings, only my own. And my own hurt me more than he ever did. I think part of the reason I'm so adamant about not remarrying is because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to hold up my end of the bargain. I failed once, I really, really don't want to fail again. I can't do that to myself or to a man who loves me.
Of course, I am only a couple years post-divorce, who knows how I'll feel in the future. I have hope that I'll learn to forgive myself...and trust myself again.
March 26, 2015
Triggers
I woke up early today, the dogs clamoring to be let outside. A storm was rolling in, the rain and thunder were so relaxing to hear. I puttered around; getting dog food out, putting away dishes, seeing M off to work. Soon enough the rainy weather died out and gave away to wind and a bright, blue, cloudless sky. I settled in to start my work day but kept getting distracted by that brilliant sky. Eventually I made my way outside, to smoke a cigarette (yes, it's nasty but a habit I've picked up) and sit under that sky. Something about that damn sky triggered memories that started running through my mind, happy memories but memories involving people from my past that I seldom think about much anymore.
I just sat there seeing, quite vividly, these stolen glimpses at a life I no longer lead. I've made as much peace as possible with the ugly I've been through. Sure there's still some room to improve and some hurdles left to clear. But, for the most part, I'm perfectly happy with where I am. I don't have the need to frequently be sitting around reminiscing about the past. I don't have the urge I used to have to go back to how things use to be. I'm ok. I survived. I fucking thrived.
I stood up, ready to shake off those memories and finish up my day. I tossed the cigarette out and made my way inside. Leaving that beautiful, blue sky and all those memories outside...until the next time something tugs at the corners of my mind and I surrender to the tidal wave.
I just sat there seeing, quite vividly, these stolen glimpses at a life I no longer lead. I've made as much peace as possible with the ugly I've been through. Sure there's still some room to improve and some hurdles left to clear. But, for the most part, I'm perfectly happy with where I am. I don't have the need to frequently be sitting around reminiscing about the past. I don't have the urge I used to have to go back to how things use to be. I'm ok. I survived. I fucking thrived.
I stood up, ready to shake off those memories and finish up my day. I tossed the cigarette out and made my way inside. Leaving that beautiful, blue sky and all those memories outside...until the next time something tugs at the corners of my mind and I surrender to the tidal wave.
March 21, 2015
What about the memories?
The other night, I decided to clean out my computer and back-up recent photo shoots. This led to me poking around on my external hard drive and coming across photos from 2009-2010. Photos in Arkansas, with old friends, and of course, XH. Hundreds of photos of a full life, one that definitely seemed happy. Evidence of a couple who seemed to be very happily married and enjoying life. It was the strangest thing to be looking at now, so many years later and post-divorce. M wasn't paying too much attention but I guess it eventually caught his eye and so I started explaining many of the photos to him. Who the people were, where we were at, what was going on. And then the avalanche of memories just started coming.
2009 was a difficult year, spent dealing with azoospermia and PCOS. IF was so damn hard on us and our marriage. 2010 wasn't much better with the roller coaster of postponing a few IVFs and looking into adoption. There was a lot of goodness sprinkled in though, just enough to keep us sane. But, looking back, I think those two years are where I can pinpoint our decline. That's when our marriage started failing and we stopped trying. It simply became too much and we just coasted. I can also pinpoint 2011 as the beginning of the end. XH became increasingly cruel and emotionally abusive, his manipulation took on a whole new level.The strain really took a toll on me and my self-esteem. My depression overwhelmed me and I finally got help from a doctor. Just as the meds actually started helping, my Dad died. Two months after he died, XH told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore but refused divorce and counseling. Instead, we decided to move back to TX and well, now here I am.
Here I am. Mindful of the bad but also stuck with countless memories that are good. He wasn't always an asshole, he was a great husband up until a certain point. So what do I do with all these good memories? The ones that do bring a smile to my face or make me laugh. The ones where everything aligned and our small world didn't revolve around IF or cancer or anything but each other for a moment. The hikes we went on where we marveled at the pure beauty around us, the night drives out into the middle of nowhere to stare at countless stars, the road trips we spent listening to stand-up comedy and laughing our asses off, the nights we couldn't sleep so instead whispered in the dark about childhood memories or future plans. What about those memories? Do they truly mean nothing now? Are they rendered meaningless because we divorced?
It's not like they haunt me, they honestly seldom cross my mind. But they are there and I don't want to just ignore them or act like the good never happened. I don't want the bad he did to outweigh the good. He was once something much more than my ex-husband who broke my heart in ways I can't explain. He's not somebody that I hate or wish ill on but he's also not somebody that I want in my life. It's just odd now and hard to explain. I'm past all the pain and tears and I got through that part without being bitter towards him, though it took a lot to get to that point, honestly. I'm grateful for that.
It's quite nice to not hate him but it's quite nice to not love him either.
2009 was a difficult year, spent dealing with azoospermia and PCOS. IF was so damn hard on us and our marriage. 2010 wasn't much better with the roller coaster of postponing a few IVFs and looking into adoption. There was a lot of goodness sprinkled in though, just enough to keep us sane. But, looking back, I think those two years are where I can pinpoint our decline. That's when our marriage started failing and we stopped trying. It simply became too much and we just coasted. I can also pinpoint 2011 as the beginning of the end. XH became increasingly cruel and emotionally abusive, his manipulation took on a whole new level.The strain really took a toll on me and my self-esteem. My depression overwhelmed me and I finally got help from a doctor. Just as the meds actually started helping, my Dad died. Two months after he died, XH told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore but refused divorce and counseling. Instead, we decided to move back to TX and well, now here I am.
Here I am. Mindful of the bad but also stuck with countless memories that are good. He wasn't always an asshole, he was a great husband up until a certain point. So what do I do with all these good memories? The ones that do bring a smile to my face or make me laugh. The ones where everything aligned and our small world didn't revolve around IF or cancer or anything but each other for a moment. The hikes we went on where we marveled at the pure beauty around us, the night drives out into the middle of nowhere to stare at countless stars, the road trips we spent listening to stand-up comedy and laughing our asses off, the nights we couldn't sleep so instead whispered in the dark about childhood memories or future plans. What about those memories? Do they truly mean nothing now? Are they rendered meaningless because we divorced?
It's not like they haunt me, they honestly seldom cross my mind. But they are there and I don't want to just ignore them or act like the good never happened. I don't want the bad he did to outweigh the good. He was once something much more than my ex-husband who broke my heart in ways I can't explain. He's not somebody that I hate or wish ill on but he's also not somebody that I want in my life. It's just odd now and hard to explain. I'm past all the pain and tears and I got through that part without being bitter towards him, though it took a lot to get to that point, honestly. I'm grateful for that.
It's quite nice to not hate him but it's quite nice to not love him either.
October 8, 2014
My Non-iversary
October 10th will mark my second non-iversary, aka the day I found out my marriage was over. It is really mind-blowing that it has already been two years since that happened. I can remember that day pretty well. I got my hair done that day, had it cut and dyed red. I had plans to meet a cousin for drinks. At that point, XH and I hadn't spoken in about a week. He'd asked for some time with no contact so he could think and figure out his feelings. I was naive enough to think he'd be fine but I was also scared out of my damn mind. I could barely function and remember showing up at my big brother's house late one night to cry on his shoulder and get his advice. He was and is the closest to my Dad I can hope to get in regards to advice. He reassured me that XH was being a crybaby attention whore and that everything would be fine.
Yeah, imagine my shock when in the middle of my margarita, my phone rang and it was XH calling to shatter my heart into millions of pieces. I remember sliding off my barstool and walking outside so we could talk without a loud bar in the background. It was still light out and there was a nice Fall breeze that evening. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as he started chatting about work, like he hadn't just ignored me for a fucking week. I softly asked him what was going on and if we were ever going to talk about it. He said yeah, what do you want to know? So, I took a deep breath and asked, "Do you want a divorce?" He was really quiet for a good 5 minutes before answering softly, "Yes." I started to cry and hung up on him. He tried calling back a couple of times but I didn't answer. My cousin took me home and I told my family, all while sobbing.
I don't really remember the weeks following that. I remember lots of angry phone calls that ended in yelling. I remember lots of drunk nights where I sat under my covered porch, listening to sad music, and crying. I'd stumble to bed around 4am and pass out, wake up around 1pm, unable to eat or get out of bed and I'd start drinking around 5. Rinse and repeat for about two months. It was so fucking awful. I could barely function. My family hovered and damn, they were just so incredible. My mom, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends just really rallied around me. I am so thankful for those incredible people!
I didn't start really getting better until around February. But, once I turned that corner, I didn't look back. I took off and became the best Amanda I've ever been. I met M that June and promptly fell in love.
Looking back, I am amazed that I got through that. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and yes, it was way harder than watching my Dad die. But I did it, I survived and not only did I survive, I am thriving now! I am gleefully celebrating my 2 year non-iversary because it symbolizes my rebirth. I am very proud of myself. Starting over is damn hard but it's very do-able and once you get past the worst, you will be so glad it happened. If you're anything like me, you'll even feel grateful to the sorry SOB that left you because it was the best thing he ever did for you.
So, Happy 2nd Non-iversary to me! I'm so glad it happened and I'm so glad I survived!
Yeah, imagine my shock when in the middle of my margarita, my phone rang and it was XH calling to shatter my heart into millions of pieces. I remember sliding off my barstool and walking outside so we could talk without a loud bar in the background. It was still light out and there was a nice Fall breeze that evening. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as he started chatting about work, like he hadn't just ignored me for a fucking week. I softly asked him what was going on and if we were ever going to talk about it. He said yeah, what do you want to know? So, I took a deep breath and asked, "Do you want a divorce?" He was really quiet for a good 5 minutes before answering softly, "Yes." I started to cry and hung up on him. He tried calling back a couple of times but I didn't answer. My cousin took me home and I told my family, all while sobbing.
I don't really remember the weeks following that. I remember lots of angry phone calls that ended in yelling. I remember lots of drunk nights where I sat under my covered porch, listening to sad music, and crying. I'd stumble to bed around 4am and pass out, wake up around 1pm, unable to eat or get out of bed and I'd start drinking around 5. Rinse and repeat for about two months. It was so fucking awful. I could barely function. My family hovered and damn, they were just so incredible. My mom, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends just really rallied around me. I am so thankful for those incredible people!
I didn't start really getting better until around February. But, once I turned that corner, I didn't look back. I took off and became the best Amanda I've ever been. I met M that June and promptly fell in love.
Looking back, I am amazed that I got through that. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and yes, it was way harder than watching my Dad die. But I did it, I survived and not only did I survive, I am thriving now! I am gleefully celebrating my 2 year non-iversary because it symbolizes my rebirth. I am very proud of myself. Starting over is damn hard but it's very do-able and once you get past the worst, you will be so glad it happened. If you're anything like me, you'll even feel grateful to the sorry SOB that left you because it was the best thing he ever did for you.
So, Happy 2nd Non-iversary to me! I'm so glad it happened and I'm so glad I survived!
July 15, 2014
What Should Have Been
I've got a good life, I'm happy and healthy and strong. I'm surrounded by family and friends. My dogs are awesome, my boyfriend is amazing. My future looks bright. It's much smoother sailing than it has been in a long time. So you can imagine my annoyance when shit from my divorce pops up. It's like being on a hike through beautiful scenery and suddenly stepping in a huge pile of dog shit. Everything is still beautiful, but fuck are you pissed about the dog shit.
I had a nightmare about XH Sunday night and spent all of yesterday in the bitchiest mood. I think it's because today would have been my 8 year wedding anniversary. I don't miss him, or want him back, but it's still bothering me. And that pisses me off. It's my big ol' stinky pile of dog shit. Damn it all.
I can't help but think about the past today and wonder about what might have been. Thoughts that are all very useless but flood my mind anyway. I know tomorrow will be better and I know that by next week, XH won't even be a thought in my mind. But today? Today can go suck it.
I'm leaving for vacation Friday, my first with M. A day in NOLA and then 3 days in Panama City Beach followed by an OOT wedding that he's in. I'm excited to experience these cities with him, he's never been to either. I've been to both with XH. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment? Ugh.
I had a nightmare about XH Sunday night and spent all of yesterday in the bitchiest mood. I think it's because today would have been my 8 year wedding anniversary. I don't miss him, or want him back, but it's still bothering me. And that pisses me off. It's my big ol' stinky pile of dog shit. Damn it all.
I can't help but think about the past today and wonder about what might have been. Thoughts that are all very useless but flood my mind anyway. I know tomorrow will be better and I know that by next week, XH won't even be a thought in my mind. But today? Today can go suck it.
I'm leaving for vacation Friday, my first with M. A day in NOLA and then 3 days in Panama City Beach followed by an OOT wedding that he's in. I'm excited to experience these cities with him, he's never been to either. I've been to both with XH. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment? Ugh.
June 2, 2014
Me Without Him
Around this time last year, things really started turning around for me. Much of the post-split haze had lifted and my anti-depressant medications had been adjusted and were working wonderfully. I still had moments of weakness, and those would continue for a few more months, but for the most part I had turned a corner. It was an amazing feeling. It felt like I had reclaimed my life for me and like I was finally living my life for myself and nobody else. I was free!
I took my freedom and ran with it. I started out slowly- decorating my house however I desired, added pink touches to my bedroom, spread my makeup out on the bathroom counter and took over the entire master closet. Then I started drinking whenever the urge struck, something XH didn't "allow". I covered his side of the bed in magazines, books, my Nook and my laptop so they were always within arms reach. Then I started going out a lot and making out with random guys in bars. Around this time last year, I had my first ever one night stand. It was quickly followed by a couple more because why not? I was all over OKC, flirting with guys via messaging and having a blast. Of course, I met the Cowboy not long after but the fun didn't stop because I was in a relationship! If anything, it's gotten even more fun!
I was with XH for 13 years, I never experienced a lot of things because I spent my twenties engaged, married and dealing with IF. I never knew anything but life with him and discovering life without him has been one of my life's greatest adventures. I never knew how happy I could be. I never knew how high I could fly. I didn't know how much better I would be without him. Until my divorce. It took my divorce to show/teach me all of that. And now I know I could never go back, I've come too far. I know I've said it before but it's something I say often: Even on my worst days now, I'm still happier now than on my best days back then.
My marriage wasn't always bad, it once was great and once upon a time, we were in love and happy. But things changed and it became very toxic and unhealthy. I am grateful that it ended when it did. His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me because it saved me and gave me back to myself. It started me on a journey that has been the most amazing experience. I had a lot of dark days, especially at the beginning and I'm not exactly sure what got me through them. I suspect it was a joint effort between my faith, my family and friends and lots and lots of rum. I think my own stubbornness had a lot to do with it too though. I simply had to get through it because I knew in my heart that once I came out on the other side, my life would never be the same and that it would have changed for the better. It was very difficult to trust that instinct but I'm glad I did, I have no regrets. I think, in the end, it has all worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.
I'm where I need to be, I still have far to go but I know I'll get there. Right now, I'm just enjoying this great adventure I'm on and soaking up everything I can. This is me without him. And it's the life I've always hoped I'd live.
I took my freedom and ran with it. I started out slowly- decorating my house however I desired, added pink touches to my bedroom, spread my makeup out on the bathroom counter and took over the entire master closet. Then I started drinking whenever the urge struck, something XH didn't "allow". I covered his side of the bed in magazines, books, my Nook and my laptop so they were always within arms reach. Then I started going out a lot and making out with random guys in bars. Around this time last year, I had my first ever one night stand. It was quickly followed by a couple more because why not? I was all over OKC, flirting with guys via messaging and having a blast. Of course, I met the Cowboy not long after but the fun didn't stop because I was in a relationship! If anything, it's gotten even more fun!
I was with XH for 13 years, I never experienced a lot of things because I spent my twenties engaged, married and dealing with IF. I never knew anything but life with him and discovering life without him has been one of my life's greatest adventures. I never knew how happy I could be. I never knew how high I could fly. I didn't know how much better I would be without him. Until my divorce. It took my divorce to show/teach me all of that. And now I know I could never go back, I've come too far. I know I've said it before but it's something I say often: Even on my worst days now, I'm still happier now than on my best days back then.
My marriage wasn't always bad, it once was great and once upon a time, we were in love and happy. But things changed and it became very toxic and unhealthy. I am grateful that it ended when it did. His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me because it saved me and gave me back to myself. It started me on a journey that has been the most amazing experience. I had a lot of dark days, especially at the beginning and I'm not exactly sure what got me through them. I suspect it was a joint effort between my faith, my family and friends and lots and lots of rum. I think my own stubbornness had a lot to do with it too though. I simply had to get through it because I knew in my heart that once I came out on the other side, my life would never be the same and that it would have changed for the better. It was very difficult to trust that instinct but I'm glad I did, I have no regrets. I think, in the end, it has all worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.
I'm where I need to be, I still have far to go but I know I'll get there. Right now, I'm just enjoying this great adventure I'm on and soaking up everything I can. This is me without him. And it's the life I've always hoped I'd live.
May 14, 2014
XH Drama
I have maintained, through out this whole divorce, that XH and I were going to remain friends. I was determined for us to stay friendly because we are such a huge part of each others history that it didn't make sense to me for us to end on bad terms. I am much better at this than XH is, I am able to not blur the lines and to not discuss what happened between us. XH simply sucks at keeping things on that level. And this past week, he lost his damn mind.
He showed up last Tuesday, despite my protests and despite me literally being on my way out the door to deposit my share of the mortgage into his account, he insisted on coming over to pick it up personally. He proceeded to stay an hour, chatting about his work, friends and just random stuff. He left and I went about my day. Shit hit the fan the next night. Apparently he changed his relationship status on FB to reflect he's with the girl he left me for. I've known they are together, it's not a big deal because I'm over it and I have moved on. However, my best friend did not react well. She pretty much blasted him on FB and her, even calling her a whore.
I had been arguing with XH that day over mortgage related issues, so I was already in a foul mood. I texted him two angry texts but they honestly weren't that bad, no name calling or anything like that. Unbeknown to me, XH and my BFF got into not long after. I was in bed, watching tv with the Cowboy and drinking wine, when I got a text from BFF.
It seems XH posted my texts and then posted that I was engaged and pregnant. I woke up to all kinds of messages and texts. I then proceeded to lose my damn mind. I called him up and raged. He deleted them immediately but the damage was done and I spent the day putting out fires. Then his GF jumped in on everything and just made it all so much better. (can you hear my sarcasm?)
Long story short, XH and his GF are blocked in every way- across all social media accounts and XH's number is blocked on my phone. He is banned from interaction with me and must communicate with my sister regarding anything related to the house. I am in the process of getting an order of protection too, thanks to some scary verbal threats that were made by them. I was legit freaked out and felt so violated by everything that happened. It really shook me.
The last two years of our marriage, XH was very emotionally abusive and manipulative. It took lots of therapy to see it and admit it and tell people about it. His actions last week proved to me that he's still very capable of harm and is still actively trying to control me and hurt me. I am much more at peace with him being blocked from my life, it's such a relief to be honest. And he had no explanation for why he posted I was engaged and pregnant, he apologized but put the blame back on me, of course.
I'm done and just want off this roller coaster, so glad to be finally putting my foot down and ending all contact. I'm not even sad we can't be friends because clearly, it's not what is best for me.
He showed up last Tuesday, despite my protests and despite me literally being on my way out the door to deposit my share of the mortgage into his account, he insisted on coming over to pick it up personally. He proceeded to stay an hour, chatting about his work, friends and just random stuff. He left and I went about my day. Shit hit the fan the next night. Apparently he changed his relationship status on FB to reflect he's with the girl he left me for. I've known they are together, it's not a big deal because I'm over it and I have moved on. However, my best friend did not react well. She pretty much blasted him on FB and her, even calling her a whore.
I had been arguing with XH that day over mortgage related issues, so I was already in a foul mood. I texted him two angry texts but they honestly weren't that bad, no name calling or anything like that. Unbeknown to me, XH and my BFF got into not long after. I was in bed, watching tv with the Cowboy and drinking wine, when I got a text from BFF.
It seems XH posted my texts and then posted that I was engaged and pregnant. I woke up to all kinds of messages and texts. I then proceeded to lose my damn mind. I called him up and raged. He deleted them immediately but the damage was done and I spent the day putting out fires. Then his GF jumped in on everything and just made it all so much better. (can you hear my sarcasm?)
Long story short, XH and his GF are blocked in every way- across all social media accounts and XH's number is blocked on my phone. He is banned from interaction with me and must communicate with my sister regarding anything related to the house. I am in the process of getting an order of protection too, thanks to some scary verbal threats that were made by them. I was legit freaked out and felt so violated by everything that happened. It really shook me.
The last two years of our marriage, XH was very emotionally abusive and manipulative. It took lots of therapy to see it and admit it and tell people about it. His actions last week proved to me that he's still very capable of harm and is still actively trying to control me and hurt me. I am much more at peace with him being blocked from my life, it's such a relief to be honest. And he had no explanation for why he posted I was engaged and pregnant, he apologized but put the blame back on me, of course.
I'm done and just want off this roller coaster, so glad to be finally putting my foot down and ending all contact. I'm not even sad we can't be friends because clearly, it's not what is best for me.
March 29, 2014
Do you want kids?
I've gotten to that part of life after divorce where it's not the immediate thing people think about when we talk. I've also met a lot of new people since my split and all they know is I'm divorced. They don't know C or any of the details behind our marriage and divorce. So it's inevitable for THE question to come up, you know that one that all IF'ers dread with a passion of a thousand fiery suns: do you have kids? (And all the forms that question comes in, including but not limited to: why don't you have kids? do you want kids? why didn't your and your ex have any?, etc) My mind's immediate reaction is, "oh yay, this damn question again." But at least I no longer have that urge to throat punch the people who ask me that! Progress!
It's not quite the sting it was before the split but it's still a twinge of something to my heart. If I'm totally unprepared for it, like if it comes out of left field when I'm chatting about mundane things, it can leave me breathless for a second. The first couple of times, my mind scrambled to think of an appropriate answer that wasn't quite the depressing truth. Depending on how many drinks I'd consumed at that point, sometimes my reply would be the blunt truth but mostly I'd just give a little smile, shake my head no, and tell them we didn't have kids but hopefully one day I will and change the subject. Most people just go with that. Only once has someone really pushed for answers and I just flat out told her that we struggled with MFI. Yes, I kinda threw C under the bus with that response but I was annoyed.
Which, leads to another set of problems, our IF dx. Explaining that is quite awkward too. We were very open about our IF problems and C was very open about his azoospermia but I was never comfortable telling people about it. It wasn't my diagnosis so I never felt like it was right for me to tell people about it, which C thought was silly. But MFI makes people say the most inappropriate things and I'd just rather not hear that shit. Only our immediate family and closest friends in Arkansas knew. Nobody outside that circle had a clue and even now my longtime friends down here are always surprised to hear the whole story. I've heard from all of them that they all thought it was me who couldn't have kids. I preferred it that way too, to be honest. I didn't want C to deal with the insensitivity so I kept it pretty quiet. And now it feels mean to tell people about his azoo. It's just so personal and I don't feel comfortable spreading his personal information to people.
Anyway, I always tell people that yes, of course I want children one day. After C left and it became obvious that we weren't going to be able to repair our relationship, I was very struck by the thought that I could actually have a family one day. (Right before we split, C had told me he had changed his mind and no longer wanted kids.) As a woman who dealt with IF, it was really hard for me to accept that I was excited about this possibility because it felt like such a betrayal to C. I always told him I loved him more than sperm and that I wanted him, not sperm. And that was very true, given the choice, I would have always chosen C. But he walked out and left, he made the choice that we were irrevocably broken so I made the choice that yes, I want kids and I'm going to have them one day. But I do feel guilty and I hope that fades one day.
I'm not ready for kids yet, I'm still a mess. No steady job and I'm not ready for the responsibility. But I know the time will come when my clock isn't something I'll be able to ignore. I'm 31 and have been longing for a baby for the past six years. My friends are on their second or third baby and I'm over here, divorced and drunk on the weekends. So even though I'm not responsible enough yet, my baby fever is always in the back of my mind. But so is the IF, it's confusing sometimes to make peace between the two. Between who I use to be and who I am now, what my life was before and what my life is after. Between the IF struggle and the possibility that I can have a baby one day. Making peace with the cards I was handed but now having the ability to have a say in how they are played.
It's not quite the sting it was before the split but it's still a twinge of something to my heart. If I'm totally unprepared for it, like if it comes out of left field when I'm chatting about mundane things, it can leave me breathless for a second. The first couple of times, my mind scrambled to think of an appropriate answer that wasn't quite the depressing truth. Depending on how many drinks I'd consumed at that point, sometimes my reply would be the blunt truth but mostly I'd just give a little smile, shake my head no, and tell them we didn't have kids but hopefully one day I will and change the subject. Most people just go with that. Only once has someone really pushed for answers and I just flat out told her that we struggled with MFI. Yes, I kinda threw C under the bus with that response but I was annoyed.
Which, leads to another set of problems, our IF dx. Explaining that is quite awkward too. We were very open about our IF problems and C was very open about his azoospermia but I was never comfortable telling people about it. It wasn't my diagnosis so I never felt like it was right for me to tell people about it, which C thought was silly. But MFI makes people say the most inappropriate things and I'd just rather not hear that shit. Only our immediate family and closest friends in Arkansas knew. Nobody outside that circle had a clue and even now my longtime friends down here are always surprised to hear the whole story. I've heard from all of them that they all thought it was me who couldn't have kids. I preferred it that way too, to be honest. I didn't want C to deal with the insensitivity so I kept it pretty quiet. And now it feels mean to tell people about his azoo. It's just so personal and I don't feel comfortable spreading his personal information to people.
Anyway, I always tell people that yes, of course I want children one day. After C left and it became obvious that we weren't going to be able to repair our relationship, I was very struck by the thought that I could actually have a family one day. (Right before we split, C had told me he had changed his mind and no longer wanted kids.) As a woman who dealt with IF, it was really hard for me to accept that I was excited about this possibility because it felt like such a betrayal to C. I always told him I loved him more than sperm and that I wanted him, not sperm. And that was very true, given the choice, I would have always chosen C. But he walked out and left, he made the choice that we were irrevocably broken so I made the choice that yes, I want kids and I'm going to have them one day. But I do feel guilty and I hope that fades one day.
I'm not ready for kids yet, I'm still a mess. No steady job and I'm not ready for the responsibility. But I know the time will come when my clock isn't something I'll be able to ignore. I'm 31 and have been longing for a baby for the past six years. My friends are on their second or third baby and I'm over here, divorced and drunk on the weekends. So even though I'm not responsible enough yet, my baby fever is always in the back of my mind. But so is the IF, it's confusing sometimes to make peace between the two. Between who I use to be and who I am now, what my life was before and what my life is after. Between the IF struggle and the possibility that I can have a baby one day. Making peace with the cards I was handed but now having the ability to have a say in how they are played.
February 26, 2014
More Lessons on Grief
My divorce is like a never-ending story, it just seems to always be something. Per our divorce agreement, I won a certain amount of his assets. Getting my hands on said assets is proving to be a headache. One that is resulting in more paperwork and loops to jump through. It's just annoying because it often involves me having to communicate with C, which isn't my favorite thing to do these days, no matter now friendly we are. Because, well, we have a love/hate relationship and to be honest, we've always known how to push each others buttons and we enjoy doing that. Basically, we're both immature but ehh, whatever.
We take turns pissing each other off and usually I am over it within the same day because I think it's stupid for me to be angry with my ex-husband. But C takes it to the extreme, as usual. And I'm not sure what I did or said this time but obviously it was something because when he's pissy with me, he won't speak to me or return calls, texts or emails. It's the most annoying damn thing. I'm trying to get information from him and he's not cooperating. Way to breach our agreement, you sorry SOB.
I received some paperwork in the mail the other day pertaining to all this. I was going over it and literally not understanding a word because legal jargon just makes my eyes cross when a particular sentence jumped out at me: .....Legal blah blah blah....[C and Amanda] were married July 15, 2006 and divorced December 18, 2013. I just stopped for a second and couldn't breathe. Right there in black and white, all legal and shit. Never mind that we've been split up for 16 months. Never mind that we've both spewed hateful words at each other. Never mind that I have another man sleeping in my bed or that he has a girlfriend. Never mind that I've seen the actual divorce decree with the judge's signature and official TX seal. Nothing made it real until I saw it written like that. It bothered me.
Divorce wasn't something that was suppose to happen to C and me, not us. Hell, we were C and Amanda for so long that I didn't know anything else. I knew him better than I knew myself; every scar, every freckle, every story. I took care of him after surgeries, when he was sick and washed his damn boxers. 13 years of love notes, gifts and memories that became meaningless in a single sentence: I want a divorce. I know I'm happier now, I know that I've found a me that I had lost over the course of our marriage but it doesn't make it ok. Nothing will make it ok because I took our marriage seriously and it failed. I failed, he failed, we failed. And that sucks.
Dealing with infertility and my Dad's death, I've learned that grief is entirely it's own entity. A very real emotion that demands attention, often at the oddest moments. One that comes and goes as it pleases. One you can't predict, even when you try. Dealing with my divorce, I've learned that grief isn't an emotion that ends, it just evolves. It changes and morphs into emotions you can't possibly understand. It affects every aspect of yourself and fighting that is futile. You just have to accept that grief is in your life now, permanently. It will always be there, a dark shadow lurking in the background of your life and all it's moments. It's far-reaching and unforgiving.
But, living with grief, while it changes you, it also shows you things about yourself that you never knew or appreciated. For instance, it taught me that I have to enjoy life. I have to endure my life. I have to keep living because grief has taught me just how precious life is. Just how amazing laughing with your loved ones truly is. Just how amazing it is when someone expands their family. Just how amazing a supportive and loving partner is. I marvel at the smallest things now and openly express my feelings because you are never guaranteed another.
It's a double-edged sword. And I'd much rather have my Dad alive and to have never experienced the pain of infertility or divorce. But, since I have experienced those pains, I live with my grief and try my damnedest to make a positive out of it. Sometimes that is easy and other times, it knocks me on my ass. Live and learn, my friends, live and learn. Experience all the ups and downs and when life kicks you in your balls, get back up and smile knowing that you endure.
Or, if you're like me, pour yourself some rum and buy some pretty nail polish.
We take turns pissing each other off and usually I am over it within the same day because I think it's stupid for me to be angry with my ex-husband. But C takes it to the extreme, as usual. And I'm not sure what I did or said this time but obviously it was something because when he's pissy with me, he won't speak to me or return calls, texts or emails. It's the most annoying damn thing. I'm trying to get information from him and he's not cooperating. Way to breach our agreement, you sorry SOB.
I received some paperwork in the mail the other day pertaining to all this. I was going over it and literally not understanding a word because legal jargon just makes my eyes cross when a particular sentence jumped out at me: .....Legal blah blah blah....[C and Amanda] were married July 15, 2006 and divorced December 18, 2013. I just stopped for a second and couldn't breathe. Right there in black and white, all legal and shit. Never mind that we've been split up for 16 months. Never mind that we've both spewed hateful words at each other. Never mind that I have another man sleeping in my bed or that he has a girlfriend. Never mind that I've seen the actual divorce decree with the judge's signature and official TX seal. Nothing made it real until I saw it written like that. It bothered me.
Divorce wasn't something that was suppose to happen to C and me, not us. Hell, we were C and Amanda for so long that I didn't know anything else. I knew him better than I knew myself; every scar, every freckle, every story. I took care of him after surgeries, when he was sick and washed his damn boxers. 13 years of love notes, gifts and memories that became meaningless in a single sentence: I want a divorce. I know I'm happier now, I know that I've found a me that I had lost over the course of our marriage but it doesn't make it ok. Nothing will make it ok because I took our marriage seriously and it failed. I failed, he failed, we failed. And that sucks.
Dealing with infertility and my Dad's death, I've learned that grief is entirely it's own entity. A very real emotion that demands attention, often at the oddest moments. One that comes and goes as it pleases. One you can't predict, even when you try. Dealing with my divorce, I've learned that grief isn't an emotion that ends, it just evolves. It changes and morphs into emotions you can't possibly understand. It affects every aspect of yourself and fighting that is futile. You just have to accept that grief is in your life now, permanently. It will always be there, a dark shadow lurking in the background of your life and all it's moments. It's far-reaching and unforgiving.
But, living with grief, while it changes you, it also shows you things about yourself that you never knew or appreciated. For instance, it taught me that I have to enjoy life. I have to endure my life. I have to keep living because grief has taught me just how precious life is. Just how amazing laughing with your loved ones truly is. Just how amazing it is when someone expands their family. Just how amazing a supportive and loving partner is. I marvel at the smallest things now and openly express my feelings because you are never guaranteed another.
It's a double-edged sword. And I'd much rather have my Dad alive and to have never experienced the pain of infertility or divorce. But, since I have experienced those pains, I live with my grief and try my damnedest to make a positive out of it. Sometimes that is easy and other times, it knocks me on my ass. Live and learn, my friends, live and learn. Experience all the ups and downs and when life kicks you in your balls, get back up and smile knowing that you endure.
Or, if you're like me, pour yourself some rum and buy some pretty nail polish.
December 29, 2013
Officially divorced, finally
I knew for a few days leading up to the finalization that it was was suppose to happen. But with C, I've learned to never really count on anything so it honestly kept slipping my mind. The night before the Cowboy asked me how I was feeling and I stared at him blankly before it clicked. Woke up Wednesday thinking about the million errands I needed to run before remembering what was going to be happening. I glanced at the time and knew he was in court at that exact moment. Sure enough, my phone rang about 15 minutes later.
He seriously sounded so excited, relieved and happy to announce we were officially divorced. I got all teary eyed because the emotions were overwhelming. I can't remember what we talked about but we didn't speak for long. I did tell him to go be happy now. After we hung up, I texted my four BFFs and called the Cowboy. It was the most bittersweet feeling I've ever felt because all at once I felt: relieved, excited, sad, mad and happy. It felt so surreal to me but, mainly, I felt so damn free. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me. I was so happy to legally be able to return to my maiden name and to belong to myself again.
The next day C called me wanting to see my nephews and niece since he was in town for a little longer. He kept asking if I'd meet him at my brother's too and my Mom felt like I should to help ease the tension between him and my brother so I very reluctantly met him there that night. The kids were happy to see him and he seemed happy to see them too. But, my warning bells were already going off and as the night progressed, they started clanging like crazy. He kept telling the kids old memories of me and telling them the quirky little traits of mine that they shared with me. It was almost embarrassing because I wasn't paying too much attention to him. I was texting my guy BFF and playing with my niece. But he kept looking at me and asking me things.
He left at the same time as me and we ended up talking in front of my brother's house for about an hour. It started off nicely enough but ended with me angrily getting to my car and leaving. Basically we rehashed everything all over again. He still won't accept blame for walking out or for the shit he put me through the last two years of our marriage. He is quick to point out my shortcomings but is blind to his own. He told me that I didn't fight for him and that if I had, we wouldn't be divorced. Guilted me because I have a boyfriend already that has met my family.
I just stood there, like I always do, and took what he was saying. But, then I realized that I don't have to take his shit anymore and I got angry. I started telling him exactly what I thought about the situation and how he failed me. Told him that all the blame he placed on me not giving him enough attention was pathetic because I was occupied with my dying father then with grieving him. I told him that he wasn't strong enough to be what I needed and so yeah, I wanted the divorce. He always acts so baffled when I raise my voice at him and kept commenting that he must have touched a nerve. I looked him in the eye and told him it was because I didn't have to take his shit anymore, got in my car and left.
Haven't heard from him in the eleven days since. And I couldn't be happier or more at peace. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, despite missing my Dad like crazy, and have had a lot of fun with the Cowboy. It's so empowering to realize that I'm free and that I'm not a victim. Yeah, he walked out first and it devastated me but it truly was the best thing for me. I didn't know I could be this happy or just how unhappy I really was with my marriage. He started this divorce process but I kept it going. It was what I wanted for myself. Now I can live my happily ever after with me being my own knight in shining armor. I saved myself. I'm happy because I fought to become the woman I am now and I actually like who I am and how my life is. This is the life I want and I get to choose what direction it goes in.
I'm free.
He seriously sounded so excited, relieved and happy to announce we were officially divorced. I got all teary eyed because the emotions were overwhelming. I can't remember what we talked about but we didn't speak for long. I did tell him to go be happy now. After we hung up, I texted my four BFFs and called the Cowboy. It was the most bittersweet feeling I've ever felt because all at once I felt: relieved, excited, sad, mad and happy. It felt so surreal to me but, mainly, I felt so damn free. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me. I was so happy to legally be able to return to my maiden name and to belong to myself again.
The next day C called me wanting to see my nephews and niece since he was in town for a little longer. He kept asking if I'd meet him at my brother's too and my Mom felt like I should to help ease the tension between him and my brother so I very reluctantly met him there that night. The kids were happy to see him and he seemed happy to see them too. But, my warning bells were already going off and as the night progressed, they started clanging like crazy. He kept telling the kids old memories of me and telling them the quirky little traits of mine that they shared with me. It was almost embarrassing because I wasn't paying too much attention to him. I was texting my guy BFF and playing with my niece. But he kept looking at me and asking me things.
He left at the same time as me and we ended up talking in front of my brother's house for about an hour. It started off nicely enough but ended with me angrily getting to my car and leaving. Basically we rehashed everything all over again. He still won't accept blame for walking out or for the shit he put me through the last two years of our marriage. He is quick to point out my shortcomings but is blind to his own. He told me that I didn't fight for him and that if I had, we wouldn't be divorced. Guilted me because I have a boyfriend already that has met my family.
I just stood there, like I always do, and took what he was saying. But, then I realized that I don't have to take his shit anymore and I got angry. I started telling him exactly what I thought about the situation and how he failed me. Told him that all the blame he placed on me not giving him enough attention was pathetic because I was occupied with my dying father then with grieving him. I told him that he wasn't strong enough to be what I needed and so yeah, I wanted the divorce. He always acts so baffled when I raise my voice at him and kept commenting that he must have touched a nerve. I looked him in the eye and told him it was because I didn't have to take his shit anymore, got in my car and left.
Haven't heard from him in the eleven days since. And I couldn't be happier or more at peace. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, despite missing my Dad like crazy, and have had a lot of fun with the Cowboy. It's so empowering to realize that I'm free and that I'm not a victim. Yeah, he walked out first and it devastated me but it truly was the best thing for me. I didn't know I could be this happy or just how unhappy I really was with my marriage. He started this divorce process but I kept it going. It was what I wanted for myself. Now I can live my happily ever after with me being my own knight in shining armor. I saved myself. I'm happy because I fought to become the woman I am now and I actually like who I am and how my life is. This is the life I want and I get to choose what direction it goes in.
I'm free.
December 17, 2013
Tangled
I can distinctly remember the rage filled day that I emptied C's dresser into boxes, how my eyes swept over the very familiar clothes and how I felt that tiny pinch of ache but scooped it all up anyway. I angrily threw everything in boxes, not letting myself feel anything but rage. I tackled our closet next, yanking clothes off hangers and stuffing them into the almost overflowing box. Shirts he had worn when we were teens and shirts I had bought him...I just couldn't stand to walk into my closet and see his stuff there anymore. Hanging there like he was just going to come home and slip back into our life. I swept the entire house; every drawer, cabinet and closet to collect his things. I then promptly drove it all over to his parents' house and stacked in their garage, trying not to give into my MIL's tears or my FIL's pleas to work it out with C. (like I wasn't desperately trying/wishing/hoping/praying for that but whatever)
That was last December. In the following months, I would randomly come across his things even still. It's not easy to untangle 13 years of couple-hood and our lives were so entwined that it wasn't too surprising to me. The anger had dissipated so I actually kept a small box in my study where I'd toss in whatever was his and give to him whenever he stopped by. I found enough stuff that every visit ended with him taking a box. The last couple of months though, there's been nothing found. I guess I finally separated our lives, it only took me over a year. And I'm not going to lie, it was bittersweet to realize. On one hand, it's nice to not be struck by an unexpected memory when I come across some little trinket he loved but on the other hand, I have successfully gotten rid of any trace of C from my house. It's odd.
Not long after I packed up his clothes, I went through the house and took down pictures of him and I went through photo album after photo album removing pictures. It was time to not have his face everywhere but what I didn't realize though was I needed to go through my own stuff and put away anything that screamed C. When the Cowboy started staying over, I quickly realized it though! So, once again, I went through my dressers and my closet. Mainly it was tossing lingerie! But I've kept a lot, there is a box in my attic filled with things. Wedding pictures and our video, a photo album I had filled with just pictures of us, pictures of him with my family, the nightie I wore our wedding night, etc. Stuff that I just don't want to throw away but I don't want in my face either.
Last night I decided to clean out a drawer for the Cowboy. A big step, yes. But he needs a place to keep some extra shirts and socks. I wasn't keeping anything important in it anyway so I tossed the stuff into another drawer that I rarely dig in because it just has pantyhose and rarely worn bras in it. But, there at the bottom, were two pairs of panties that I had completely forgotten about. One had the word "Bride" written in blue across the front and the other had Mrs.Married Name across the butt. And, for the first time in a while, it actually hurt to see something from my married life. I remember buying them online and how excited I was to wear them for C.
I've successfully untangled the tangible parts of our shared life. I just wish I knew how to box up the memories and feelings along with them. There's hardly a memory that isn't shared with him. And while I have moved on from my marriage, it still is weird to have all these memories. They don't really hurt but they aren't exactly feeling me with warm fuzzies either. I hope in time I'm able to make peace with them and learn how to coexist with them. I want to be able to have a nice balance, where I can remember C and smile but not regret that we are over. Where I can smile at the man in my life and be grateful for all the new memories being made.
That was last December. In the following months, I would randomly come across his things even still. It's not easy to untangle 13 years of couple-hood and our lives were so entwined that it wasn't too surprising to me. The anger had dissipated so I actually kept a small box in my study where I'd toss in whatever was his and give to him whenever he stopped by. I found enough stuff that every visit ended with him taking a box. The last couple of months though, there's been nothing found. I guess I finally separated our lives, it only took me over a year. And I'm not going to lie, it was bittersweet to realize. On one hand, it's nice to not be struck by an unexpected memory when I come across some little trinket he loved but on the other hand, I have successfully gotten rid of any trace of C from my house. It's odd.
Not long after I packed up his clothes, I went through the house and took down pictures of him and I went through photo album after photo album removing pictures. It was time to not have his face everywhere but what I didn't realize though was I needed to go through my own stuff and put away anything that screamed C. When the Cowboy started staying over, I quickly realized it though! So, once again, I went through my dressers and my closet. Mainly it was tossing lingerie! But I've kept a lot, there is a box in my attic filled with things. Wedding pictures and our video, a photo album I had filled with just pictures of us, pictures of him with my family, the nightie I wore our wedding night, etc. Stuff that I just don't want to throw away but I don't want in my face either.
Last night I decided to clean out a drawer for the Cowboy. A big step, yes. But he needs a place to keep some extra shirts and socks. I wasn't keeping anything important in it anyway so I tossed the stuff into another drawer that I rarely dig in because it just has pantyhose and rarely worn bras in it. But, there at the bottom, were two pairs of panties that I had completely forgotten about. One had the word "Bride" written in blue across the front and the other had Mrs.Married Name across the butt. And, for the first time in a while, it actually hurt to see something from my married life. I remember buying them online and how excited I was to wear them for C.
I've successfully untangled the tangible parts of our shared life. I just wish I knew how to box up the memories and feelings along with them. There's hardly a memory that isn't shared with him. And while I have moved on from my marriage, it still is weird to have all these memories. They don't really hurt but they aren't exactly feeling me with warm fuzzies either. I hope in time I'm able to make peace with them and learn how to coexist with them. I want to be able to have a nice balance, where I can remember C and smile but not regret that we are over. Where I can smile at the man in my life and be grateful for all the new memories being made.
December 9, 2013
Hope is Mine
C stopped by again last night, making that two weeks in a row. He seems like he's on the verge of saying something but just can't bring himself to actually do it. We talked for an hour outside, him sitting in his truck and me standing in the open door. He turns his heater vent towards me so I don't completely freeze. We talk about his work, our families and friends, catch each other up on our lives and sometimes discuss what happened with us. Talking about our demise is always sad and it upsets me but not like it use to do. I can talk with a level head and so can he. We're reached a good place but man did it take us a while to get here.
I think we're friends or at least we're on our way to being friends. We still joke around and make each other laugh. Sometimes it strikes me as so odd that I'm standing there laughing with this man who I know so intimately yet not at all anymore. For a brief moment last night, I saw past the bullshit of the last year and caught a glimpse of how we use to be, before it all fell epically apart. It was a bittersweet feeling. I got a little teary eyed because our divorce will actually be final this week. I was standing with my husband for the last time and that just touched something deep inside me.
I married C so young but so in love. I was so proud to be his wife and adored calling him my husband. I was so very proud to carry his last name too. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that we would be divorcing. And I know I'll always carry a smidgen of this pain with me, just like I'll always love C. He's 13 years of my life and carries within him so many shared memories. I wouldn't be who I am today without him. So I don't regret one single moment with him. This divorce was the best thing for us though, as individuals. I've grown so much and I really am quite happy with my life at the moment.
He needed to be on the other side of the state by morning so when it began to sprinkle, we started winding down our talk. I looked at him and pointed out that this was our last time together as husband and wife. I hugged him pretty tight and touched his cheek, one last time. Told him to be careful and walked back into my house as he drove away. I never looked back, just marched straight inside.
I've been through hell the last few years. I'm very proud of the person I've become because I fought like hell to become her. This is my life and it's nothing like I imagined but it is wonderful. My past is bittersweet but it's behind me now and I'm excited about everything that lies ahead of me. A big, blank canvas that is entirely up to ME to paint. I'm just getting started but I can tell it's gong to be a beautiful picture in the end.
Hope is mine. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I think we're friends or at least we're on our way to being friends. We still joke around and make each other laugh. Sometimes it strikes me as so odd that I'm standing there laughing with this man who I know so intimately yet not at all anymore. For a brief moment last night, I saw past the bullshit of the last year and caught a glimpse of how we use to be, before it all fell epically apart. It was a bittersweet feeling. I got a little teary eyed because our divorce will actually be final this week. I was standing with my husband for the last time and that just touched something deep inside me.
I married C so young but so in love. I was so proud to be his wife and adored calling him my husband. I was so very proud to carry his last name too. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that we would be divorcing. And I know I'll always carry a smidgen of this pain with me, just like I'll always love C. He's 13 years of my life and carries within him so many shared memories. I wouldn't be who I am today without him. So I don't regret one single moment with him. This divorce was the best thing for us though, as individuals. I've grown so much and I really am quite happy with my life at the moment.
He needed to be on the other side of the state by morning so when it began to sprinkle, we started winding down our talk. I looked at him and pointed out that this was our last time together as husband and wife. I hugged him pretty tight and touched his cheek, one last time. Told him to be careful and walked back into my house as he drove away. I never looked back, just marched straight inside.
I've been through hell the last few years. I'm very proud of the person I've become because I fought like hell to become her. This is my life and it's nothing like I imagined but it is wonderful. My past is bittersweet but it's behind me now and I'm excited about everything that lies ahead of me. A big, blank canvas that is entirely up to ME to paint. I'm just getting started but I can tell it's gong to be a beautiful picture in the end.
Hope is mine. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
November 23, 2013
3 Pregnancies & an Engagement
I've had quite the week. The final design was chosen for my Dad's headstone, something we had put off for almost two years. I just couldn't bring myself to pick it out because it just made it so damn real. I chose the hospice service we used, made calls about his final days, and planned the entire funeral on my own. I just didn't have it in me to do this one last thing, the last step. My SIL took over and it's done and it's been hard to think about. It's going to be installed soon, just in time for the 2 year mark since he died.
Three pregnancy announcements also sent me in a tailspin this week. Three cousins all due next year. One with her first, one with her sixth and the other with her fourth and yes, they are all younger than me. They all got married after me as well. Out of all of us, I was so sure my marriage would last and that I'd have babies by now. Funny how pregnancies can still send me diving headfirst into a bottle of wine. I'm happy for them, babies are a blessing and I'll happily buy baby gifts and cuddle newborns when the time comes. But, oh my Lord, the blinding pain knocked me off my ass.
My little sister also got engaged last week. He's an incredible guy and even better father to my niece, whom he wants to adopt! I'm thrilled for her and I'm happy to pour over wedding magazines and gasp at beautiful gowns. It's just a little sting to think of my own gorgeous wedding dress (that I really need to get rid of) and my own wedding that I adored.
Everyone's life is advancing and it just feels like my own is just stuck in the same damn place. A place I didn't plan for or chose but a place that was handed to me nonetheless. It's a place I can handle and I've made as much peace as I can with being in it. But, sometimes, the absurdity of it all just slams into me and takes my breath away. I am really 30 years old, divorcing, childless and jobless. This is my life and it's crazy. Thank God for my family, friends, the Cowboy and great wine!
C finally signed the divorce papers this week too. I signed under his name and submitted them to my lawyer. They go before the judge this week and he'll grant the decree and it'll be done. 13 months after he left and 12 months after I filed, an end is truly in sight. It's the most bittersweet feeling I have ever felt. There is no other way to word it.
This week was challenging. It all came at me at once and I felt so damn overwhelmed. I got properly drunk and cried my eyes out. I'm feeling better now but still fighting that stupid cold. On bed rest so it won't turn into pneumonia, like it usually does. See? All at once. I know next week will be better though. I have hope that it's all going to turn around soon.
Three pregnancy announcements also sent me in a tailspin this week. Three cousins all due next year. One with her first, one with her sixth and the other with her fourth and yes, they are all younger than me. They all got married after me as well. Out of all of us, I was so sure my marriage would last and that I'd have babies by now. Funny how pregnancies can still send me diving headfirst into a bottle of wine. I'm happy for them, babies are a blessing and I'll happily buy baby gifts and cuddle newborns when the time comes. But, oh my Lord, the blinding pain knocked me off my ass.
My little sister also got engaged last week. He's an incredible guy and even better father to my niece, whom he wants to adopt! I'm thrilled for her and I'm happy to pour over wedding magazines and gasp at beautiful gowns. It's just a little sting to think of my own gorgeous wedding dress (that I really need to get rid of) and my own wedding that I adored.
Everyone's life is advancing and it just feels like my own is just stuck in the same damn place. A place I didn't plan for or chose but a place that was handed to me nonetheless. It's a place I can handle and I've made as much peace as I can with being in it. But, sometimes, the absurdity of it all just slams into me and takes my breath away. I am really 30 years old, divorcing, childless and jobless. This is my life and it's crazy. Thank God for my family, friends, the Cowboy and great wine!
C finally signed the divorce papers this week too. I signed under his name and submitted them to my lawyer. They go before the judge this week and he'll grant the decree and it'll be done. 13 months after he left and 12 months after I filed, an end is truly in sight. It's the most bittersweet feeling I have ever felt. There is no other way to word it.
This week was challenging. It all came at me at once and I felt so damn overwhelmed. I got properly drunk and cried my eyes out. I'm feeling better now but still fighting that stupid cold. On bed rest so it won't turn into pneumonia, like it usually does. See? All at once. I know next week will be better though. I have hope that it's all going to turn around soon.
November 14, 2013
Weirdness
Things have been weird lately. Not super weird, but a little weird. Weird enough to give me a feeling of uneasiness. I don't like it because it makes me think there's something coming my way and I really don't like to be caught unprepared. I need a sense of control over my life and that's not surprising considering my Dad's death and my divorce both spun my world out of control. Issues? Why, yes, I do have issues now. Thanks for noticing!
Saturday will officially mark a year since I filed for divorce, a divorce that still is NOT FINAL. Coming to an agreement over our finances has proven to be quite problematic. Now his lawyer is threatening going to court, which my lawyer laughs at because we would slaughter him in court with the pictures I have of him making out with a stupid skank. Not to mention the phone records and friends who have all said the relationship started during our marriage. We filed for divorce in a very conservative district, you know, good ol' boys and all that jazz. And they don't take kindly to men who cheat on their grieving wives so soon after a death in the family.
Despite the issues with our agreement, we actually don't fight when we do talk. He calls me just about every three days, just to check in on the progress with the divorce or to ask me a stupid question. He then chats my ear off about work, his friends or a hobby he's recently taken up. It's just so odd to talk to him like we're friends, like we've never seen each other naked or loved each other or married each other, for that matter. I keep my guard up with him and never discuss anything of true depth. Just house stuff or car stuff or something funny my nephews and nieces said/did.
The Cowboy gets increasingly annoyed by these phone calls. One lasted about an hour and I could tell it bothered him. I'm not sure why I stay on the phone or why C feels the need to call me. Or I do have a suspicion but I'd rather not think about it. I don't want C to admit to some great revelation about regretting this or still loving me. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want him anymore. Quite a turnaround from me posting last year asking for y'all to pray for my marriage's resurrection. Hindsight, yep, hindsight.
I'm still doing good. Job hunting still, which is a bitch. Still having a good time with the Cowboy. Currently having a lot of fun with NaNoWriMo and battling a slight fever. Seriously, wrote part of this with a thermometer in my mouth. Did I tell y'all I got braces last year? I went straight from my orthodontist to the lawyer's office to file for divorce so it'll be a year with them this weekend too. My teeth look amazing! And I look like a little kid and get carded all.the.time. now. It's great fun until they gasp in shock once they realize I'm 30 years old.
But, it's almost midnight here, which means it's almost Friday, which means let me end by listing a few things I'm grateful for. This week I'm grateful for:
* cold fronts! Yay for sweaters, boots and leggings!
* coffee, bc without it, I wouldn't be writing as much or able to soothe my achy throat
* Tar.get bc a trip for one item, turned into me leaving with much more
* finding the mixed tapes I made in junior high and listening to some awesome music like Immature, Dru Hill, Aaliyah and Xscape...the 90's were awesome!
* cousins who make me laugh and want to hang out, they hold some very precious memories of late family members, like my Dad and my Grandpa
Have a great weekend, soak it up and enjoy every second!
Saturday will officially mark a year since I filed for divorce, a divorce that still is NOT FINAL. Coming to an agreement over our finances has proven to be quite problematic. Now his lawyer is threatening going to court, which my lawyer laughs at because we would slaughter him in court with the pictures I have of him making out with a stupid skank. Not to mention the phone records and friends who have all said the relationship started during our marriage. We filed for divorce in a very conservative district, you know, good ol' boys and all that jazz. And they don't take kindly to men who cheat on their grieving wives so soon after a death in the family.
Despite the issues with our agreement, we actually don't fight when we do talk. He calls me just about every three days, just to check in on the progress with the divorce or to ask me a stupid question. He then chats my ear off about work, his friends or a hobby he's recently taken up. It's just so odd to talk to him like we're friends, like we've never seen each other naked or loved each other or married each other, for that matter. I keep my guard up with him and never discuss anything of true depth. Just house stuff or car stuff or something funny my nephews and nieces said/did.
The Cowboy gets increasingly annoyed by these phone calls. One lasted about an hour and I could tell it bothered him. I'm not sure why I stay on the phone or why C feels the need to call me. Or I do have a suspicion but I'd rather not think about it. I don't want C to admit to some great revelation about regretting this or still loving me. I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want him anymore. Quite a turnaround from me posting last year asking for y'all to pray for my marriage's resurrection. Hindsight, yep, hindsight.
I'm still doing good. Job hunting still, which is a bitch. Still having a good time with the Cowboy. Currently having a lot of fun with NaNoWriMo and battling a slight fever. Seriously, wrote part of this with a thermometer in my mouth. Did I tell y'all I got braces last year? I went straight from my orthodontist to the lawyer's office to file for divorce so it'll be a year with them this weekend too. My teeth look amazing! And I look like a little kid and get carded all.the.time. now. It's great fun until they gasp in shock once they realize I'm 30 years old.
But, it's almost midnight here, which means it's almost Friday, which means let me end by listing a few things I'm grateful for. This week I'm grateful for:
* cold fronts! Yay for sweaters, boots and leggings!
* coffee, bc without it, I wouldn't be writing as much or able to soothe my achy throat
* Tar.get bc a trip for one item, turned into me leaving with much more
* finding the mixed tapes I made in junior high and listening to some awesome music like Immature, Dru Hill, Aaliyah and Xscape...the 90's were awesome!
* cousins who make me laugh and want to hang out, they hold some very precious memories of late family members, like my Dad and my Grandpa
Have a great weekend, soak it up and enjoy every second!
October 18, 2013
Loaded Memories
There's just so much about Fall that makes me insanely happy: the way Summer gives in, reluctantly, to Fall, decorating for Halloween, pumpkin flavored everything, pretty colored leaves that float to the ground, bright Fall skies that almost hurt your eyes, how you can pull out the leggings and boots again and keep your windows open. How the whole world seems to be settling in and getting cozy in anticipation of all the love and goodness the next 3 months bring. Needless to say, Fall is my favorite season, I just love everything about it.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
But Fall is also filled with memories: C and I started dating in the Fall, we always threw an annual Halloween party and we thoroughly enjoyed everything an AR fall had to offer. Hiking in the mountains amid the red, yellow and orange leaves, night time walks under a bright moon around our neighborhood lake, cuddling under a thick blanket with our bedroom windows wide open..I could just go on and on. But, there is also a lot of bad that happened in the Fall- my Dad started hospice in the Fall and almost a year later, C left me in the Fall.
October is an odd month for me, loaded with emotions and memories. I do my best to avoid triggers and just focus on right now and I do a great job of it. I have worked hard to move on and stop living in the past. But, sometimes, when the exact right elements line up, the memories come pouring in and I just let myself be swept away. It happened last night as I was standing the backyard staring up at that big, bright moon and shivering a little in the chilly breeze. Suddenly, I was right back in AR with C, huddled around our chiminea, drinking pumpkin beer and staring up at a beautiful Fall night. I could smell the smoke and hear the fire crackle. I could see him laughing and looking at me. And for a brief moment, my heart ached for what we lost.
But just as quickly as the memory came, it left, taking with it that forgotten ache. Timing is everything and God has a sense of humor because the Cowboy was here and he walked outside right after that and wrapped his arms around me. We stared up at that gorgeous moon and he gave me a sweet kiss. It made me smile because this guy is great and C rarely pops into my mind these days. I'm making all kinds of wonderful new memories with a really sweet guy who treats me amazingly well.
And, if my ex-husband occasionally makes my heart ache, well, I just won't put too much thought into it because there is no point. What's done is done and we have both moved on. I know, deep down inside, that C has these moments too, but like me, they fade away and he keeps on going. After spending half your life with one person, they are bound to leave a mark on you, even after the relationship ends and the love fades. Like it or not, we are a part of each other and with that, comes the memories and the aches. The quiet little moments where you remember what you once shared and your heart gives a little thump because it's over.
And that damn Fall moon? Well it can just keep shining and tugging at my memories as I make new ones.
October 12, 2013
1 year since he left me
The 10th officially marked a whole year since C walked out. Or, rather, a year since he called me and told me over the phone, like a coward. I can't stop remembering what was going on at this time last year; how I was feeling, what I was doing. There's actually not a lot I can remember, I was just so depressed. The first couple of months after he left are a big fog in my mind and I'm grateful to not really remember too much. I do know that I rarely got out of bed, I wasn't eating and I was crying so many tears that I'm surprised I didn't run out. I was also drinking, a lot. I'd crawl out of bed around 2pm, choke down some water and maybe a pickle or a carrot and then I'd sit under my covered patio, listening to sad country music and drinking. My family would come out periodically to check on me and friends would text but mainly I'd just drink and cry. I asked a lot of why questions and then I'd get so angry. I'd stumble into bed around 4am, too exhausted and drunk to process that I was crawling into our empty bed and do it all again the next day.
The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.
A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.
I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.
This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.
The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.
A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.
I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.
This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.
October 3, 2013
Grateful Friday
It's been a while since I last did one of these and it always feels good to remind myself of all the good that is in my life. So, this week I'm grateful for:
* my awesome friends, who always make me laugh
* my equally awesome family, they are everything to me
* finally going through boxes in the attic and throwing stuff away
* my silly dogs
* that G.lee, GA, VampireDiaries, the BBT and HIMYM are back on my tv!
* Pumpkin flavored everything, I just love it!
* decorating for Halloween and LOVING how it all came together
* the amazingly sweet Cowboy, who helped me decorate and go through boxes
* seriously, can I put the Cowboy again? He just made me really happy this week
I'm deep in Halloween mode; decorating, DIY projects, baking and planning my annual party! The Cowboy is my partner in crime and loves Halloween as much as I do so our demented minds combined has equaled some really freaky decorating ideas. I did have to deal with C this week. He showed up again to drop some more mail off and just hung around a bit to chat. I'm glad we can get along and it's nice to talk normally with him but it's also really weird. I didn't know he was coming by so the Cowboy and I had just gotten done...doing stuff...when he showed up. Awkward is an understatement. Not that C knew that but I knew that and just me knowing made me feel all kinds of weirdness. Still haven't finalized and I've actually signed the papers, twice. C is the one holding it up, always has an excuse why he won't or can't sign. It's annoying.
Anyway, have a lovely weekend! Hope it's filled with all the things that are good!
* my awesome friends, who always make me laugh
* my equally awesome family, they are everything to me
* finally going through boxes in the attic and throwing stuff away
* my silly dogs
* that G.lee, GA, VampireDiaries, the BBT and HIMYM are back on my tv!
* Pumpkin flavored everything, I just love it!
* decorating for Halloween and LOVING how it all came together
* the amazingly sweet Cowboy, who helped me decorate and go through boxes
* seriously, can I put the Cowboy again? He just made me really happy this week
I'm deep in Halloween mode; decorating, DIY projects, baking and planning my annual party! The Cowboy is my partner in crime and loves Halloween as much as I do so our demented minds combined has equaled some really freaky decorating ideas. I did have to deal with C this week. He showed up again to drop some more mail off and just hung around a bit to chat. I'm glad we can get along and it's nice to talk normally with him but it's also really weird. I didn't know he was coming by so the Cowboy and I had just gotten done...doing stuff...when he showed up. Awkward is an understatement. Not that C knew that but I knew that and just me knowing made me feel all kinds of weirdness. Still haven't finalized and I've actually signed the papers, twice. C is the one holding it up, always has an excuse why he won't or can't sign. It's annoying.
Anyway, have a lovely weekend! Hope it's filled with all the things that are good!
September 24, 2013
The Cowboy meets IF
When XH and I split up, I realized pretty quickly that it meant I would need some kind of birth control. That realization made my head spin...and my heart hurt. Granted my PCOS means I'm not exactly fertile myrtle, but I knew I didn't want to chance getting pregnant from a random if the condom broke. I have a super awesome gyno and when I got the full panel of STD testing (thanks XH for the cheating!) she made sure to emphasize that an IUD was my only option due to my various health problems. It took me a couple of months to let that sink in and to fully commit, but I got one inserted in May. Less than a week later, I also nailed my first post-divorce conquest but I digress. So, it's been interesting knowing that I, the woman who dealt with IF for 4 years, is now on birth control. But, because I was so busy being a whore, IF never really crossed my mind.
Then I met the Cowboy and along with that came the questions about why I'm 30 and child-free. I gave him a breezy answer at first, telling him that we tried but it didn't quite work out for us, that it was complicated. After we started getting more serious, I went more in depth about the details. I briefly educated him on azoo, IVF with ICSI, PCOS, and all the other crap. I touched lightly on the devastation and admitted that IF played a part in our marriage's destruction. He's a really sensitive guy so he knows it's a very touchy subject and he tries to avoid bringing it up but he does ask questions. He made it clear that he wanted children one day and told me that his ex-wife had two miscarriages during their marriage. My heart broke for him when he told me that. Heavy subjects for a 3 month old relationship but I'm 30 and he's almost 34 so I guess this is how it goes.
A couple of weeks ago, I commented on how sore my boobs were and a couple of days later, beer started tasting really weird to me. The Cowboy jokingly asked me if I was pregnant and seeing the look on my face, he quickly changed the subject. But, the look on my face wasn't one of IF related hurt, it was a look of terror as I realized I was indeed late. Cue the tears and a major freakout, which the Cowboy handled quite well, I must admit. He wanted me to POAS immediately but I knew better, my IF taught me well and I knew that my period would come just by us talking about it. Plus, I have an IUD, I'm covered on that front, right? Cue the frantic googling and more freak outs as I read about woman getting KU with an IUD. After dragging my feet for a few days, I gave in and bought a damn PG test, against my better judgment.
Seeing that BFN didn't hurt any less, if anything, it actually hurt more. I was that devastated IF'er all over again, wondering if I'd ever see a plus sign. Never-mind that a pregnancy scare with a brand new BF isn't the ideal situation, I was heartbroken. And, per the usual IF luck, my period showed up the next fucking day. I cried even more. The Cowboy was so sweet and never once pointed out how new our relationship is; didn't blink an eye that I was freaking out about possibly being pregnant, considering it would be by a man I have known 3 months. He just held me and told me goofy jokes.
The rational, logical part of me knows that it's better for me to not be pregnant but the woman who dealt with so much IF related pain, just ached. The pain of seeing a BFN, combined with the mess of emotions I was feeling by possibly being pregnant by a man who isn't XH, plus the hope I let myself feel, however briefly, just hit me like a tidal wave. I had a very bad week last week. I was angry, sad, confused, relieved, disappointed and just all around a huge emotional mess. The experience also meant that the Cowboy and I had several long talks about the emotional aspect of IF and the toll it took on both myself and XH. These talks involved a lot of tears and heavy emotions, talking about it just made the already open wounds more raw. It was so hard to dive back into those feelings, to explain how it felt to be told C was sterile, how it hurt to be around pregnant ladies and how much Mother's and Father's Day just sucked. This whole ordeal made me realize that IF will always cast a shadow over my life. It jades so much now and whoever I do decide to have children with, is going to have to be ok with knowing that these IF scars bleed easily when poked. He's going to have to be very understanding about me carrying this huge pain from my first marriage. A pain that will affect not only me, but us, once we decide to try for a baby. I know now that any man I get serious with will have to be introduced to IF at some point. It was damn hard to open up about it to the Cowboy, to show him to the deep cuts IF made. I was so scared he'd just run as fast as he could in the other direction, especially since we were dealing with such serious stuff as quickly as we were. But, he's a great guy and it hasn't really phased him. He's just as sweet as always.
I really questioned writing this post, because I know IF is such an emotional topic for so many of us. And I knew an accidental pregnancy would be the last thing any of you still in those fucking trenches would want to read about. I sincerely hope you believe that my intention was to just be brutally honest with all of you about my life post-divorce. So many of us have dealt with IF but I haven't come across many blogs of IF'ers learning how to navigate life after their marriage crumbled. I just want to be honest with all of you and show you how I am handling starting over and all the complications that pop up. Also, please know that I still see life from my IF view. It just got buried by my divorce until now. I thought that perhaps that part of my life was behind me but, nope, IF still has her damn claws in me. It's just different now, without XH, but it's still there and it still hurts like a bitch.
Then I met the Cowboy and along with that came the questions about why I'm 30 and child-free. I gave him a breezy answer at first, telling him that we tried but it didn't quite work out for us, that it was complicated. After we started getting more serious, I went more in depth about the details. I briefly educated him on azoo, IVF with ICSI, PCOS, and all the other crap. I touched lightly on the devastation and admitted that IF played a part in our marriage's destruction. He's a really sensitive guy so he knows it's a very touchy subject and he tries to avoid bringing it up but he does ask questions. He made it clear that he wanted children one day and told me that his ex-wife had two miscarriages during their marriage. My heart broke for him when he told me that. Heavy subjects for a 3 month old relationship but I'm 30 and he's almost 34 so I guess this is how it goes.
A couple of weeks ago, I commented on how sore my boobs were and a couple of days later, beer started tasting really weird to me. The Cowboy jokingly asked me if I was pregnant and seeing the look on my face, he quickly changed the subject. But, the look on my face wasn't one of IF related hurt, it was a look of terror as I realized I was indeed late. Cue the tears and a major freakout, which the Cowboy handled quite well, I must admit. He wanted me to POAS immediately but I knew better, my IF taught me well and I knew that my period would come just by us talking about it. Plus, I have an IUD, I'm covered on that front, right? Cue the frantic googling and more freak outs as I read about woman getting KU with an IUD. After dragging my feet for a few days, I gave in and bought a damn PG test, against my better judgment.
Seeing that BFN didn't hurt any less, if anything, it actually hurt more. I was that devastated IF'er all over again, wondering if I'd ever see a plus sign. Never-mind that a pregnancy scare with a brand new BF isn't the ideal situation, I was heartbroken. And, per the usual IF luck, my period showed up the next fucking day. I cried even more. The Cowboy was so sweet and never once pointed out how new our relationship is; didn't blink an eye that I was freaking out about possibly being pregnant, considering it would be by a man I have known 3 months. He just held me and told me goofy jokes.
The rational, logical part of me knows that it's better for me to not be pregnant but the woman who dealt with so much IF related pain, just ached. The pain of seeing a BFN, combined with the mess of emotions I was feeling by possibly being pregnant by a man who isn't XH, plus the hope I let myself feel, however briefly, just hit me like a tidal wave. I had a very bad week last week. I was angry, sad, confused, relieved, disappointed and just all around a huge emotional mess. The experience also meant that the Cowboy and I had several long talks about the emotional aspect of IF and the toll it took on both myself and XH. These talks involved a lot of tears and heavy emotions, talking about it just made the already open wounds more raw. It was so hard to dive back into those feelings, to explain how it felt to be told C was sterile, how it hurt to be around pregnant ladies and how much Mother's and Father's Day just sucked. This whole ordeal made me realize that IF will always cast a shadow over my life. It jades so much now and whoever I do decide to have children with, is going to have to be ok with knowing that these IF scars bleed easily when poked. He's going to have to be very understanding about me carrying this huge pain from my first marriage. A pain that will affect not only me, but us, once we decide to try for a baby. I know now that any man I get serious with will have to be introduced to IF at some point. It was damn hard to open up about it to the Cowboy, to show him to the deep cuts IF made. I was so scared he'd just run as fast as he could in the other direction, especially since we were dealing with such serious stuff as quickly as we were. But, he's a great guy and it hasn't really phased him. He's just as sweet as always.
I really questioned writing this post, because I know IF is such an emotional topic for so many of us. And I knew an accidental pregnancy would be the last thing any of you still in those fucking trenches would want to read about. I sincerely hope you believe that my intention was to just be brutally honest with all of you about my life post-divorce. So many of us have dealt with IF but I haven't come across many blogs of IF'ers learning how to navigate life after their marriage crumbled. I just want to be honest with all of you and show you how I am handling starting over and all the complications that pop up. Also, please know that I still see life from my IF view. It just got buried by my divorce until now. I thought that perhaps that part of my life was behind me but, nope, IF still has her damn claws in me. It's just different now, without XH, but it's still there and it still hurts like a bitch.
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