June 2, 2014

Me Without Him

Around this time last year, things really started turning around for me. Much of the post-split haze had lifted and my anti-depressant medications had been adjusted and were working wonderfully. I still had moments of weakness, and those would continue for a few more months, but for the most part I had turned a corner. It was an amazing feeling. It felt like I had reclaimed my life for me and like I was finally living my life for myself and nobody else. I was free!

I took my freedom and ran with it. I started out slowly- decorating my house however I desired, added pink touches to my bedroom, spread my makeup out on the bathroom counter and took over the entire master closet. Then I started drinking whenever the urge struck, something XH didn't "allow". I covered his side of the bed in magazines, books, my Nook and my laptop so they were always within arms reach. Then I started going out a lot and making out with random guys in bars. Around this time last year, I had my first ever one night stand. It was quickly followed by a couple more because why not? I was all over OKC, flirting with guys via messaging and having a blast. Of course, I met the Cowboy not long after but the fun didn't stop because I was in a relationship! If anything, it's gotten even more fun!

I was with XH for 13 years, I never experienced a lot of things because I spent my twenties engaged, married and dealing with IF. I never knew anything but life with him and discovering life without him has been one of my life's greatest adventures. I never knew how happy I could be. I never knew how high I could fly. I didn't know how much better I would be without him. Until my divorce. It took my divorce to show/teach me all of that. And now I know I could never go back, I've come too far. I know I've said it before but it's something I say often: Even on my worst days now, I'm still happier now than on my best days back then.

My marriage wasn't always bad, it once was great and once upon a time, we were in love and happy. But things changed and it became very toxic and unhealthy. I am grateful that it ended when it did. His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me because it saved me and gave me back to myself. It started me on a journey that has been the most amazing experience. I had a lot of dark days, especially at the beginning and I'm not exactly sure what got me through them. I suspect it was a joint effort between my faith, my family and friends and lots and lots of rum. I think my own stubbornness had a lot to do with it too though. I simply had to get through it because I knew in my heart that once I came out on the other side, my life would never be the same and that it would have changed for the better. It was very difficult to trust that instinct but I'm glad I did, I have no regrets. I think, in the end, it has all worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.

I'm where I need to be, I still have far to go but I know I'll get there. Right now, I'm just enjoying this great adventure I'm on and soaking up everything I can. This is me without him. And it's the life I've always hoped I'd live.

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