What do you want? No, really, what do you want? It seems like a simple question at first glance but when you take a deeper glance, you realize just how loaded that question truly is. And some people know exactly what they want and can answer it somewhat easily. Then there are the people like me, who freak out because they don't really know. Or maybe they do and the answer scares them. Or the answer is too big or too different from what they can accept. Sometimes knowing what you want is overwhelming. Sometimes it's so different from where you started that you aren't ready yet to admit that.
What do I want? I think I kinda know. I want to be happy. I want to be at peace. I want financial freedom. I want to be fulfilled with my work. I want stacks of books, good food, and lots of laughs. I want people in my life who value me and respect me. I want to marvel at wondrous things. I want to smile in the sun and in the rain. I want to learn new things. I want regrets I can live with and choices that don't wrench my heart into pieces. I want nights under a starry sky with my lover. I want nights spent wrapped in blankets while the cool breeze dances across our faces. I want kisses and cuddles and inside jokes. I want laughter and music and dogs to fill our home. I want my chaotic family around me all the time.
Do I want kids? Yeah, sometimes I do. Sometimes I want kids so fucking bad that I can't breathe. But, yet, sometimes I'm ok that I don't have them. Sometimes I'm grateful that there isn't a tiny human depending on me.
It's really confusing to be on both sides of the fence. It's hurtful because my body is making the decision for me that kids aren't likely in the picture. It's upsetting that I'm use to not having kids of my own and the freedom that comes with that is rather nice. I'm happy and I have a full life despite being barren.
The real question is, will I always feel this way? Will I ever make peace with this? Will I regret not having them? Would I regret having them? Hard questions without easy answers. I just don't know what I want.
And sometimes I'm ok with that and sometimes it just really sucks.
Showing posts with label life after divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life after divorce. Show all posts
April 28, 2016
February 3, 2016
Dear Ex-Husband
The other night, you were so kind to help me with my car issues, seeing how M and I aren't exactly mechanically inclined. Yeah, it's a little odd to see you and M occupy the same physical space but we are all grown ups and handled it so well. You two were even talking and laughing, which made it less awkward and I'm grateful. It makes me happy to see the two of you raising above any perceived slights and bad feelings. You made it slightly awkward when you kept bringing up memories and telling him stories about me from our marriage but M laughed it off in the moment and teased me.
After you finished up with the car, and M excused himself to return some work calls, you and I lingered to talk about house stuff, our families, and how work has been for each of us. I'm not sure where we derailed into talking about our divorce and marriage but I see now that I should have immediately shut that down and made you leave. But, you refused to give me answers for so long that it's nice to now finally know the whys and hows. I've spent the better part of the last 3 years since our split thinking I was a failure at marriage, it's nice to know that you don't see it that way. It helps ease my guilt.
I have worked hard, and in lots of therapy sessions, to deal with my issues and correct them to the best of my ability. I am quite amazed at how far I have come since 2012. I am much happier, more confident, my germ issues have resolved, and I am so much more relaxed. I am no longer quick to anger now and my rage takes a lot to bubble up, my patience has multiplied tremendously. I am SO damn proud of myself.
For you to undermine all that hard work, frankly, pisses me off. To stand there and listen to you tell me that I'm not logical, that I'm high strung, and that you think I'm "ghetto" (which, eww, racist much?!) really and truly upset me. Not for long, mind you, because your words mean very little, coming from a man who doesn't know me anymore and who left me for another woman. But for a minute there, I was floored and quite pissed off.
For you, XH, who is the most uptight person I have ever encountered, to have such opinions about me is laughable. You view emotions as weakness and can't fathom why family should matter as much as they do to me. You care so much what other people think of you, which is odd considering how cold and cruel you can be, that you act stiffly at all times. You are so detached from emotion that you seem robotic. And while you can be funny, you are often funny at the expense of other people. Your refusal to bend is infuriating. Your arrogance about your own looks and sexual skills are laughable. You expect too much from people, especially from your partner.
I was mentally and emotionally broken at the end of our marriage, not just from losing my Dad, but from your constant judgment, snide remarks, and passive aggressive behavior. The house was never clean enough, I never cooked enough, I wasn't strict enough with the dogs, I wasn't saving enough money, I didn't dress right, my insomnia annoyed you because you insisted we go to bed at the same time and threw a fit if I wanted to stay up because Heaven forbid I wasn't tired when you were. I scrubbed the bathtub 6 damn times every time I cleaned it, lest you come home and sneer at me because it wasn't clean enough. I was CONVINCED that I was the crazy one because you told me I was. That all our problems were in my head. That I misread your words and actions because I liked drama. You told me these things over and over again. I believed you. I hated myself. I hated everything and everyone.
But no. None of that is true. You were simply an asshole. You were controlling and demanding and rude. You were emotionally abusive. It's taken a long time to see that, and the extent, but I do. It's hard to admit or talk about but I do. I rebuilt myself. I'm happy. And slightly messy because there is no one breathing down my neck to keep the house spotless at all times. I rarely wear makeup because IDGAF what other people think of my looks. I wear yoga pants to run errands. I drink rum when the mood strikes because nobody is saying I can't. I live my life for me and it's so fucking amazing and freeing that I want to weep from relief.
Get the fuck out with your gaslighting bullshit. Your attempts to try to start something with me are simply you trying to exert control over me again. I'm not having it. I don't hate you, although I probably should, I just feel nothing. And that is so, so wonderful.
After you finished up with the car, and M excused himself to return some work calls, you and I lingered to talk about house stuff, our families, and how work has been for each of us. I'm not sure where we derailed into talking about our divorce and marriage but I see now that I should have immediately shut that down and made you leave. But, you refused to give me answers for so long that it's nice to now finally know the whys and hows. I've spent the better part of the last 3 years since our split thinking I was a failure at marriage, it's nice to know that you don't see it that way. It helps ease my guilt.
I have worked hard, and in lots of therapy sessions, to deal with my issues and correct them to the best of my ability. I am quite amazed at how far I have come since 2012. I am much happier, more confident, my germ issues have resolved, and I am so much more relaxed. I am no longer quick to anger now and my rage takes a lot to bubble up, my patience has multiplied tremendously. I am SO damn proud of myself.
For you to undermine all that hard work, frankly, pisses me off. To stand there and listen to you tell me that I'm not logical, that I'm high strung, and that you think I'm "ghetto" (which, eww, racist much?!) really and truly upset me. Not for long, mind you, because your words mean very little, coming from a man who doesn't know me anymore and who left me for another woman. But for a minute there, I was floored and quite pissed off.
For you, XH, who is the most uptight person I have ever encountered, to have such opinions about me is laughable. You view emotions as weakness and can't fathom why family should matter as much as they do to me. You care so much what other people think of you, which is odd considering how cold and cruel you can be, that you act stiffly at all times. You are so detached from emotion that you seem robotic. And while you can be funny, you are often funny at the expense of other people. Your refusal to bend is infuriating. Your arrogance about your own looks and sexual skills are laughable. You expect too much from people, especially from your partner.
I was mentally and emotionally broken at the end of our marriage, not just from losing my Dad, but from your constant judgment, snide remarks, and passive aggressive behavior. The house was never clean enough, I never cooked enough, I wasn't strict enough with the dogs, I wasn't saving enough money, I didn't dress right, my insomnia annoyed you because you insisted we go to bed at the same time and threw a fit if I wanted to stay up because Heaven forbid I wasn't tired when you were. I scrubbed the bathtub 6 damn times every time I cleaned it, lest you come home and sneer at me because it wasn't clean enough. I was CONVINCED that I was the crazy one because you told me I was. That all our problems were in my head. That I misread your words and actions because I liked drama. You told me these things over and over again. I believed you. I hated myself. I hated everything and everyone.
But no. None of that is true. You were simply an asshole. You were controlling and demanding and rude. You were emotionally abusive. It's taken a long time to see that, and the extent, but I do. It's hard to admit or talk about but I do. I rebuilt myself. I'm happy. And slightly messy because there is no one breathing down my neck to keep the house spotless at all times. I rarely wear makeup because IDGAF what other people think of my looks. I wear yoga pants to run errands. I drink rum when the mood strikes because nobody is saying I can't. I live my life for me and it's so fucking amazing and freeing that I want to weep from relief.
Get the fuck out with your gaslighting bullshit. Your attempts to try to start something with me are simply you trying to exert control over me again. I'm not having it. I don't hate you, although I probably should, I just feel nothing. And that is so, so wonderful.
January 15, 2016
Grateful Friday
It's been an emotional day week, I think I need to remind myself of all the goodness even more so today than usually.
This week I am grateful for:
* two hour conversations with my BFF in Arkansas, I miss her face so much
* quality time with my nieces, they make me laugh and laugh
* visiting my preemie nephew, he is truly a miracle
* A wonderful FI who cooks, massages my back, and handles my moodiness like a pro
* gossiping with my sister and SIL
* repeat photography clients
* supportive friends who soften blows
* accepting an offer on the house!!
Today I signed and we are officially under contract. It is the strangest, most bittersweet feeling. I think I'm pissed. I'm mad that this gorgeous house isn't mine anymore, that I never saw it reach it's full potential. I'm mad about everything it was suppose to mean, what it ended up meaning, and now what it will mean. XH and I had such plans for this house, and while we probably rushed into having this house built, it was such a beacon of hope after losing my Dad. Instead, XH spent a total of 5 nights in this house before leaving me, and I rebuilt myself within these walls. So many emotions stirring inside me.
I'm hopeful that bigger and better is on the horizon. And freedom. Sweet, wonderful freedom from dealing with XH and that feels pretty exciting.
This week I am grateful for:
* two hour conversations with my BFF in Arkansas, I miss her face so much
* quality time with my nieces, they make me laugh and laugh
* visiting my preemie nephew, he is truly a miracle
* A wonderful FI who cooks, massages my back, and handles my moodiness like a pro
* gossiping with my sister and SIL
* repeat photography clients
* supportive friends who soften blows
* accepting an offer on the house!!
Today I signed and we are officially under contract. It is the strangest, most bittersweet feeling. I think I'm pissed. I'm mad that this gorgeous house isn't mine anymore, that I never saw it reach it's full potential. I'm mad about everything it was suppose to mean, what it ended up meaning, and now what it will mean. XH and I had such plans for this house, and while we probably rushed into having this house built, it was such a beacon of hope after losing my Dad. Instead, XH spent a total of 5 nights in this house before leaving me, and I rebuilt myself within these walls. So many emotions stirring inside me.
I'm hopeful that bigger and better is on the horizon. And freedom. Sweet, wonderful freedom from dealing with XH and that feels pretty exciting.
November 23, 2015
Closure
I couldn't tell you the last time I saw XH. Well, up until last week anyway. Per our divorce decree, we're selling the house next month so we had to talk about that. Which led to him confessing that things aren't going great between him and the woman he left me for. I'm not surprised and was even kind of laughing about it, because, well, karma. He ended up coming over to patch a hole in the wall and ended up staying three hours. Just venting and talking about it all. It was so odd.
I was finally able to address some questions and get answers from him. Answers he had refused to give me before. It was nice for my own sake to get that last bit of closure. I've been thinking that I was just a horrible wife and it was nice validation to find out that while I wasn't perfect, our marriage ended mainly because of his own issues. I finally confronted him about the emotional abuse and manipulation from him. He apologized but could only defend himself with talk about how unhappy he was and how sorry he was that he took it out on me. I told him I wasn't seeking anything other than recognition that he did that and his owning up to it was a nice release for me.
In all his venting about his relationship I noticed such striking similarities with his complaints. And per his norm, he can't see his own issues and failings. It's amazing to me that he is so damn blind. It was also nice to get that last confirmation that our divorce was absolutely that best thing for me. I didn't fully doubt that but I also had this tiny pang of regret that comes from being a divorced woman, that comes from a failed marriage. It's a label I never expected or imagined so being at peace with it has been challenging at times.
When M got home that night, I gave him the biggest hug and kiss. I'm so grateful to have a man in my life who is my true partner, who brings out the best in me and makes me strive to be a better woman. I'm grateful to have built this life out of the scraps I was left with and I honestly wouldn't change a thing.
I will always be thankful for my time with XH but I will always be even more thankful that our time ended. Life is good, my complaints are few, and my heart is full.
I was finally able to address some questions and get answers from him. Answers he had refused to give me before. It was nice for my own sake to get that last bit of closure. I've been thinking that I was just a horrible wife and it was nice validation to find out that while I wasn't perfect, our marriage ended mainly because of his own issues. I finally confronted him about the emotional abuse and manipulation from him. He apologized but could only defend himself with talk about how unhappy he was and how sorry he was that he took it out on me. I told him I wasn't seeking anything other than recognition that he did that and his owning up to it was a nice release for me.
In all his venting about his relationship I noticed such striking similarities with his complaints. And per his norm, he can't see his own issues and failings. It's amazing to me that he is so damn blind. It was also nice to get that last confirmation that our divorce was absolutely that best thing for me. I didn't fully doubt that but I also had this tiny pang of regret that comes from being a divorced woman, that comes from a failed marriage. It's a label I never expected or imagined so being at peace with it has been challenging at times.
When M got home that night, I gave him the biggest hug and kiss. I'm so grateful to have a man in my life who is my true partner, who brings out the best in me and makes me strive to be a better woman. I'm grateful to have built this life out of the scraps I was left with and I honestly wouldn't change a thing.
I will always be thankful for my time with XH but I will always be even more thankful that our time ended. Life is good, my complaints are few, and my heart is full.
October 13, 2015
Emotional Month
What a month it has been; non-stop work, family activities, house stuff, and just being plain old busy has occupied almost every day. I barely have time to catch my breath! Along with being busy, some health issues have popped up so I'm trying my best to not overwhelm myself too much. I want to just pause time a little and enjoy my favorite month slowly!
October is such a fun month but it's also packed with some emotional baggage. XH and I split up three years ago this month. I didn't even realize the date until late that night when I finally checked my Timehop app. I was surprised that I hadn't remembered and laughed at myself a little. I was so utterly destroyed a mere three years ago and now here I am, it's been quite a journey and transformation. What started out as total devastation ended up being the most amazing opportunity for me. If I could go back in time I wouldn't change a thing, I'm exactly where I want to be and I am exactly who I want to be. I'm so damn grateful for the last three years because the beauty that sprung up out of so much ugly has been just completely mind-blowing.
October is also the month that my Dad started hospice. Four years ago this month, we started his final journey. I'm sad that it's already creeping up on four years since he died. So much has changed and is continuing to change and I just desperately wish he were here to experience it all with us. I miss him with an ache that I feel deep to my soul. I can't explain how it feels so differently from other grief I've experienced and I can't express just how deeply the cut goes but I can tell you that living with it is sometimes very hard. Time has helped me adjust to living with it though but that doesn't make it easier, it just makes it manageable.
What I've learned though is that life goes on and you can either keep up with it or get left behind. I chose to not only keep up but to toss laughter, sarcasm, and pink glitter everywhere I go...with just a dash of hope. Because the best way to counteract the sad parts is with all the good you can!
October is such a fun month but it's also packed with some emotional baggage. XH and I split up three years ago this month. I didn't even realize the date until late that night when I finally checked my Timehop app. I was surprised that I hadn't remembered and laughed at myself a little. I was so utterly destroyed a mere three years ago and now here I am, it's been quite a journey and transformation. What started out as total devastation ended up being the most amazing opportunity for me. If I could go back in time I wouldn't change a thing, I'm exactly where I want to be and I am exactly who I want to be. I'm so damn grateful for the last three years because the beauty that sprung up out of so much ugly has been just completely mind-blowing.
October is also the month that my Dad started hospice. Four years ago this month, we started his final journey. I'm sad that it's already creeping up on four years since he died. So much has changed and is continuing to change and I just desperately wish he were here to experience it all with us. I miss him with an ache that I feel deep to my soul. I can't explain how it feels so differently from other grief I've experienced and I can't express just how deeply the cut goes but I can tell you that living with it is sometimes very hard. Time has helped me adjust to living with it though but that doesn't make it easier, it just makes it manageable.
What I've learned though is that life goes on and you can either keep up with it or get left behind. I chose to not only keep up but to toss laughter, sarcasm, and pink glitter everywhere I go...with just a dash of hope. Because the best way to counteract the sad parts is with all the good you can!
September 21, 2015
The future
Life has been a whirlwind lately! M's new job is going wonderfully and adjusting to his new schedule has been easier than anticipated. He's off Fridays and Saturdays and since I'm listing the house for sale in December, we spend those two days working on house stuff. So much painting and clearing out closets, drawers, and cabinets! I'm so dreading actually packing everything up but we decided to go ahead and pack up the Spring/Summer stuff since we don't really need it anymore. Our to-do list is a mile long but I know we're get it all done in time, hopefully at least!
It's definitely bittersweet to be leaving this house. On one hand, it's a relief to know I'll soon be free from dealing with XH but on the other hand, I'll miss all the space and potential this house has. I'll also miss having my family living with me! They've been such a blessing, even when we're all cranky about how often the dishwasher is run or someone taking too long to get their clothes out of the dryer! My feelings about this house are complicated, it was the final straw in my first marriage ending but it's also where I healed, started two businesses, and started my life with M.
Speaking of M, we're looking at places. I'm unsure if we'll buy or rent, I'm not finding anything that fits my vision for the future to buy but I dread the idea of returning to renting after seven years of homeowner-ship. I guess we'll see the closer we get to December. I am excited to have privacy with M though! It'll be nice to set up our home together and maybe adopt a couple more pets.
The future is bright and I love it!
It's definitely bittersweet to be leaving this house. On one hand, it's a relief to know I'll soon be free from dealing with XH but on the other hand, I'll miss all the space and potential this house has. I'll also miss having my family living with me! They've been such a blessing, even when we're all cranky about how often the dishwasher is run or someone taking too long to get their clothes out of the dryer! My feelings about this house are complicated, it was the final straw in my first marriage ending but it's also where I healed, started two businesses, and started my life with M.
Speaking of M, we're looking at places. I'm unsure if we'll buy or rent, I'm not finding anything that fits my vision for the future to buy but I dread the idea of returning to renting after seven years of homeowner-ship. I guess we'll see the closer we get to December. I am excited to have privacy with M though! It'll be nice to set up our home together and maybe adopt a couple more pets.
The future is bright and I love it!
July 30, 2015
Hopeful Cynic
I've always been a bit sarcastic, often times people have a hard time adjusting to my warped sense of humor. Or mistake my sarcasm for truth and blindly assume I'm serious and just an asshole. Ehh, sometimes I am though! In the throes of the IF stuff, I became very depressed, bitter, and angry. I was a ball of rage. I was dreadful to be around and just very lost. That nobody in my life had a "come to Jesus" talk with me is definitely a point of contention for me but that's a post for another day. I did eventually get on antidepressants and start therapy but it truly didn't get better for me until my divorce. Which I think is hilariously ironic.
After that, I was able to take a good look at myself and I hated what I saw, who I had become. I worked my butt off to change. I'm definitely not the unhappy, angry mess that I once was. My sister tells me often just how nice it is to have the old Amanda back. And while I'm not a bitter bitch anymore, I'm definitely not the full of hope, naive woman I once was either. Too much has happened, too many tears have been shed, and too much grief has dulled the rose colored glasses I tried so hard to keep on.
I don't really mind it either. I'm absolutely more cynical and still very sarcastic but I do have enough hope in me that I'm not exactly moping around like Eeyore. I'm a hopeful cynic, which to me means I'm realistic about how just very wrong everything can go but I'm hopeful that it won't. So I may joke a lot about marriage being awful but I'm hopeful that one day I'll actually want to be a Mrs again.
A hopeful cynic, I know it sounds like an oxymoron but it's my truth and I'm embracing it.
After that, I was able to take a good look at myself and I hated what I saw, who I had become. I worked my butt off to change. I'm definitely not the unhappy, angry mess that I once was. My sister tells me often just how nice it is to have the old Amanda back. And while I'm not a bitter bitch anymore, I'm definitely not the full of hope, naive woman I once was either. Too much has happened, too many tears have been shed, and too much grief has dulled the rose colored glasses I tried so hard to keep on.
I don't really mind it either. I'm absolutely more cynical and still very sarcastic but I do have enough hope in me that I'm not exactly moping around like Eeyore. I'm a hopeful cynic, which to me means I'm realistic about how just very wrong everything can go but I'm hopeful that it won't. So I may joke a lot about marriage being awful but I'm hopeful that one day I'll actually want to be a Mrs again.
A hopeful cynic, I know it sounds like an oxymoron but it's my truth and I'm embracing it.
July 14, 2015
Wedding Anniversaries
Tomorrow would have been my ninth wedding anniversary. It's such an awkward date to remember now. But I can't help but remember it. Most of the important days from that relationship are just etched into my mind- our first kiss, our first date, the date we became "us", the day he proposed, the dates we bought our houses, and of course, the date we split up. A long history spanning from 1999 to 2013, I guess you're just bound to remember after that long. Those days mostly pass without me really feeling anything, or remembering if I don't prompt myself. But this one is actually giving me a little bit of a pause.
A pause to reflect a little. I never imagined nine years ago that our outcome would end up so drastically different from what we envisioned. No one does though, who plans for divorce? The first few years of our marriage weren't bad, I have fond memories. Everything started going downhill after the azoo dx and came to a halt when my father died. He actually came to me a mere three months after my Dad's death to tell me that his feelings for me had changed. But we stuck it out for a few more months, moving back to TX and everything in hopes that we would find our way out of such a bad place. It never happened, obviously.
Instead, I write this as a divorced woman, who has happily moved on and found something with a man I never dreamed was a reality. I'm a very blunt, honest person, it's both my best and worst quality. But I just couldn't be honest with myself in my marriage. Not that I'm too hard on myself about that, the hardest thing is being honest with yourself. I will gladly hold up the truth mirror for others but when it comes to catching a glimpse of myself, I avoid it at all costs. I'd like to think I've changed that aspect of myself but I'm not really sure. I guess it's still hard for me to face the truth.
But, the truth is, my marriage failed and that sucks. Not because I miss XH or yearn for a life with him, but because I failed. I know he shares the blame, believe me, but I'm not responsible for his failings, only my own. And my own hurt me more than he ever did. I think part of the reason I'm so adamant about not remarrying is because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to hold up my end of the bargain. I failed once, I really, really don't want to fail again. I can't do that to myself or to a man who loves me.
Of course, I am only a couple years post-divorce, who knows how I'll feel in the future. I have hope that I'll learn to forgive myself...and trust myself again.
A pause to reflect a little. I never imagined nine years ago that our outcome would end up so drastically different from what we envisioned. No one does though, who plans for divorce? The first few years of our marriage weren't bad, I have fond memories. Everything started going downhill after the azoo dx and came to a halt when my father died. He actually came to me a mere three months after my Dad's death to tell me that his feelings for me had changed. But we stuck it out for a few more months, moving back to TX and everything in hopes that we would find our way out of such a bad place. It never happened, obviously.
Instead, I write this as a divorced woman, who has happily moved on and found something with a man I never dreamed was a reality. I'm a very blunt, honest person, it's both my best and worst quality. But I just couldn't be honest with myself in my marriage. Not that I'm too hard on myself about that, the hardest thing is being honest with yourself. I will gladly hold up the truth mirror for others but when it comes to catching a glimpse of myself, I avoid it at all costs. I'd like to think I've changed that aspect of myself but I'm not really sure. I guess it's still hard for me to face the truth.
But, the truth is, my marriage failed and that sucks. Not because I miss XH or yearn for a life with him, but because I failed. I know he shares the blame, believe me, but I'm not responsible for his failings, only my own. And my own hurt me more than he ever did. I think part of the reason I'm so adamant about not remarrying is because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to hold up my end of the bargain. I failed once, I really, really don't want to fail again. I can't do that to myself or to a man who loves me.
Of course, I am only a couple years post-divorce, who knows how I'll feel in the future. I have hope that I'll learn to forgive myself...and trust myself again.
June 22, 2015
Another Awkward Encounter
The Cowboy and I officially celebrated two years this month! We spent the day before our anniversary browsing a few museums, we got completely swept up in the Museum of Fine Arts- Houston and just got lost among all the beauty. I highly recommend doing that! The actual day of our anniversary we slept in and had breakfast in bed before dragging ourselves out to run some errands. One of those errands involved a cell phone store and while waiting our turn, XH and his GF came walking in.
I spied them through the window before they entered and XH looked so happy and relaxed. I quickly turned around so I could put my back to the store, I just was dreading the inevitable awkward encounter. Luckily, the Cowboy and I were kinda hidden but XH happened to walk around the display blocking us and when he recognized us, he stopped and his eyes got huge. I jokingly told him, "Well, this is awkward." He agreed and walked away. He promptly went back over to her and, I kid you not, proceeded to get all over her, like he was a horny teenager. It was hilarious. We finished up our business and left without a second glance. I was stunned though. Two incidents in a month, what are the damn chances?! I have no ill feelings toward them but obviously I'd prefer not to see either of their faces.
But, the more important thing is that the Cowboy and I have been together for two years. It's really gone by so quickly! It's hard to believe this all started with a message on an online dating site, we sometimes forget that's how we met. But, I have no regrets and it's been so much fun with him, he makes life interesting. We're having a really fun summer so far and have even more fun planned ahead.
Hope you're squeezing every drop of goodness out of this Summer too!
I spied them through the window before they entered and XH looked so happy and relaxed. I quickly turned around so I could put my back to the store, I just was dreading the inevitable awkward encounter. Luckily, the Cowboy and I were kinda hidden but XH happened to walk around the display blocking us and when he recognized us, he stopped and his eyes got huge. I jokingly told him, "Well, this is awkward." He agreed and walked away. He promptly went back over to her and, I kid you not, proceeded to get all over her, like he was a horny teenager. It was hilarious. We finished up our business and left without a second glance. I was stunned though. Two incidents in a month, what are the damn chances?! I have no ill feelings toward them but obviously I'd prefer not to see either of their faces.
But, the more important thing is that the Cowboy and I have been together for two years. It's really gone by so quickly! It's hard to believe this all started with a message on an online dating site, we sometimes forget that's how we met. But, I have no regrets and it's been so much fun with him, he makes life interesting. We're having a really fun summer so far and have even more fun planned ahead.
Hope you're squeezing every drop of goodness out of this Summer too!
June 5, 2015
Awkward Encounters
Last weekend I went to one of those big stores that sells in bulk with my Mom. It had been a lazy Saturday up until that point, M was mowing the lawn when she called and asked me if I wanted to go with her. I was editing pictures but needed a break anyway. I threw on yoga pants, an old shirt, ran a comb through my hair, and left. We were just wondering around, throwing stuff in our cart when we turned a corner and directly in front of us was the woman XH left me for, with my XSIL and his niece.
It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, I literally gasped. I quickly walked away but I saw the smirk on that bitch's face and the stunned look on XSIL's face. I was shaking and called my sister so she could talk me down..LOL! My Mom went to pay and sent me out to wait in the car, I was so grateful because I just had to get out of there. A storm was rolling in and it just so aptly captured my emotions.
And man were the emotions rolling in. Everything from anger to sadness to grief to disbelief to gratitude that XH is no longer my husband....I felt it all. It was overwhelming but I was mostly just stunned. Coming home to M's smiling face put it all into perspective though. The divorce truly was for the best. I'm the happiest, best version of myself now. XH seems to be happy too. What started out in so much pain and sadness has ended in smiles and happiness. I'm so grateful for that.
But seeing my former niece, who is now 15, and who I've known since before she was born, was just so damn hard. We were really close and I miss her every damn day. When we split, I lost three nephews and two nieces and that is just so painful. I think about them often and wonder about how much they've grown. I remember their birthdays and can't stand to see their pictures. Then I look at my two nephews and my two nieces and thank God that I have them. XH often asks about them and I know he misses them.
We are so damn happy now in our respective lives but OMG, the fucking collateral damage in the wake is still such a tender wound. I hate that we hurt others. But, mainly, I just hate that these kids will one day reach a point where we aren't even a memory in their minds. I will remember them, XH will remember them, but those kids won't remember Aunt Amanda or Uncle Carlos.
And that really fucking hurts.
It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, I literally gasped. I quickly walked away but I saw the smirk on that bitch's face and the stunned look on XSIL's face. I was shaking and called my sister so she could talk me down..LOL! My Mom went to pay and sent me out to wait in the car, I was so grateful because I just had to get out of there. A storm was rolling in and it just so aptly captured my emotions.
And man were the emotions rolling in. Everything from anger to sadness to grief to disbelief to gratitude that XH is no longer my husband....I felt it all. It was overwhelming but I was mostly just stunned. Coming home to M's smiling face put it all into perspective though. The divorce truly was for the best. I'm the happiest, best version of myself now. XH seems to be happy too. What started out in so much pain and sadness has ended in smiles and happiness. I'm so grateful for that.
But seeing my former niece, who is now 15, and who I've known since before she was born, was just so damn hard. We were really close and I miss her every damn day. When we split, I lost three nephews and two nieces and that is just so painful. I think about them often and wonder about how much they've grown. I remember their birthdays and can't stand to see their pictures. Then I look at my two nephews and my two nieces and thank God that I have them. XH often asks about them and I know he misses them.
We are so damn happy now in our respective lives but OMG, the fucking collateral damage in the wake is still such a tender wound. I hate that we hurt others. But, mainly, I just hate that these kids will one day reach a point where we aren't even a memory in their minds. I will remember them, XH will remember them, but those kids won't remember Aunt Amanda or Uncle Carlos.
And that really fucking hurts.
May 5, 2015
Roller Coaster, yet again
I had a weird dream the other night. It featured a scary roller coaster and a transforming seatmate who was first XH, who then morphed into the Cowboy. It was very unsettling. And very indicative of my current thoughts. The last few weeks I've been talking to XH, we've been discussing house and legal matters. But, we aren't the type to keep things from getting personal so of course we end up chatting about mutual friends, our families, and updating each other on our personal lives. In hindsight, I see how stupid that is.
He's being nice, he's being the XH I knew when I first married him. But of course, that's not the XH who left me for another woman or who yelled horrible things at me or who was so manipulative and emotionally abusive during the last two years of our marriage. And he's also waxing poetic about our marriage and what ended it. All so stupid and of course I listen and engage the stupid. I'm frustrated with myself.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not over here daydreaming about a reconciliation. I very much love the Cowboy. It's just part of me that is still seeking vindication and answers seems to engage with XH because I want solid proof that I wasn't a completely terrible wife who trashed her marriage. Which, rationally, I know. But my heart isn't as convinced and I can't help how I feel. But it sure sucks. XH and I split up over two and half years ago, I'm so over wondering about the demise of my supposed forever.
It's really impeccable timing too. I'm having my much hated Mirena IUD removed at the end of the month and we're discussing and looking at engagement rings. I still don't think highly of marriage (for myself) but I do like the idea of rings to symbolize our commitment to each other. We already live together, share bills, a life, etc so it already feels very much like marriage just without the titles and I'm perfectly ok with that. I kind of prefer it actually.
It's like XH could sense that though. He knows nothing of my life with the Cowboy because I choose to not share that part of my life with him. I don't think it's appropriate and the Cowboy isn't comfortable with XH knowing anything about us either. XH occasionally asks but I just tell him everything is fine and change the subject.
Divorce is hard. It just seems to continue haunting me at the oddest moments. I really don't want to be dealing with the fallout for years and years because that's just depressing. I just want to totally and completely put it behind me. While I'm glad the divorce roller coaster isn't moving as much as it use to, I'd much prefer it be parked and over. I want off completely.
I'm working on my need for vindication but in the mean time, I'm firmly back to limiting contact to XH with emails only. And enjoying life with my Cowboy, because life is so very good right now and I'm really happy.
He's being nice, he's being the XH I knew when I first married him. But of course, that's not the XH who left me for another woman or who yelled horrible things at me or who was so manipulative and emotionally abusive during the last two years of our marriage. And he's also waxing poetic about our marriage and what ended it. All so stupid and of course I listen and engage the stupid. I'm frustrated with myself.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not over here daydreaming about a reconciliation. I very much love the Cowboy. It's just part of me that is still seeking vindication and answers seems to engage with XH because I want solid proof that I wasn't a completely terrible wife who trashed her marriage. Which, rationally, I know. But my heart isn't as convinced and I can't help how I feel. But it sure sucks. XH and I split up over two and half years ago, I'm so over wondering about the demise of my supposed forever.
It's really impeccable timing too. I'm having my much hated Mirena IUD removed at the end of the month and we're discussing and looking at engagement rings. I still don't think highly of marriage (for myself) but I do like the idea of rings to symbolize our commitment to each other. We already live together, share bills, a life, etc so it already feels very much like marriage just without the titles and I'm perfectly ok with that. I kind of prefer it actually.
It's like XH could sense that though. He knows nothing of my life with the Cowboy because I choose to not share that part of my life with him. I don't think it's appropriate and the Cowboy isn't comfortable with XH knowing anything about us either. XH occasionally asks but I just tell him everything is fine and change the subject.
Divorce is hard. It just seems to continue haunting me at the oddest moments. I really don't want to be dealing with the fallout for years and years because that's just depressing. I just want to totally and completely put it behind me. While I'm glad the divorce roller coaster isn't moving as much as it use to, I'd much prefer it be parked and over. I want off completely.
I'm working on my need for vindication but in the mean time, I'm firmly back to limiting contact to XH with emails only. And enjoying life with my Cowboy, because life is so very good right now and I'm really happy.
March 26, 2015
Triggers
I woke up early today, the dogs clamoring to be let outside. A storm was rolling in, the rain and thunder were so relaxing to hear. I puttered around; getting dog food out, putting away dishes, seeing M off to work. Soon enough the rainy weather died out and gave away to wind and a bright, blue, cloudless sky. I settled in to start my work day but kept getting distracted by that brilliant sky. Eventually I made my way outside, to smoke a cigarette (yes, it's nasty but a habit I've picked up) and sit under that sky. Something about that damn sky triggered memories that started running through my mind, happy memories but memories involving people from my past that I seldom think about much anymore.
I just sat there seeing, quite vividly, these stolen glimpses at a life I no longer lead. I've made as much peace as possible with the ugly I've been through. Sure there's still some room to improve and some hurdles left to clear. But, for the most part, I'm perfectly happy with where I am. I don't have the need to frequently be sitting around reminiscing about the past. I don't have the urge I used to have to go back to how things use to be. I'm ok. I survived. I fucking thrived.
I stood up, ready to shake off those memories and finish up my day. I tossed the cigarette out and made my way inside. Leaving that beautiful, blue sky and all those memories outside...until the next time something tugs at the corners of my mind and I surrender to the tidal wave.
I just sat there seeing, quite vividly, these stolen glimpses at a life I no longer lead. I've made as much peace as possible with the ugly I've been through. Sure there's still some room to improve and some hurdles left to clear. But, for the most part, I'm perfectly happy with where I am. I don't have the need to frequently be sitting around reminiscing about the past. I don't have the urge I used to have to go back to how things use to be. I'm ok. I survived. I fucking thrived.
I stood up, ready to shake off those memories and finish up my day. I tossed the cigarette out and made my way inside. Leaving that beautiful, blue sky and all those memories outside...until the next time something tugs at the corners of my mind and I surrender to the tidal wave.
March 21, 2015
What about the memories?
The other night, I decided to clean out my computer and back-up recent photo shoots. This led to me poking around on my external hard drive and coming across photos from 2009-2010. Photos in Arkansas, with old friends, and of course, XH. Hundreds of photos of a full life, one that definitely seemed happy. Evidence of a couple who seemed to be very happily married and enjoying life. It was the strangest thing to be looking at now, so many years later and post-divorce. M wasn't paying too much attention but I guess it eventually caught his eye and so I started explaining many of the photos to him. Who the people were, where we were at, what was going on. And then the avalanche of memories just started coming.
2009 was a difficult year, spent dealing with azoospermia and PCOS. IF was so damn hard on us and our marriage. 2010 wasn't much better with the roller coaster of postponing a few IVFs and looking into adoption. There was a lot of goodness sprinkled in though, just enough to keep us sane. But, looking back, I think those two years are where I can pinpoint our decline. That's when our marriage started failing and we stopped trying. It simply became too much and we just coasted. I can also pinpoint 2011 as the beginning of the end. XH became increasingly cruel and emotionally abusive, his manipulation took on a whole new level.The strain really took a toll on me and my self-esteem. My depression overwhelmed me and I finally got help from a doctor. Just as the meds actually started helping, my Dad died. Two months after he died, XH told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore but refused divorce and counseling. Instead, we decided to move back to TX and well, now here I am.
Here I am. Mindful of the bad but also stuck with countless memories that are good. He wasn't always an asshole, he was a great husband up until a certain point. So what do I do with all these good memories? The ones that do bring a smile to my face or make me laugh. The ones where everything aligned and our small world didn't revolve around IF or cancer or anything but each other for a moment. The hikes we went on where we marveled at the pure beauty around us, the night drives out into the middle of nowhere to stare at countless stars, the road trips we spent listening to stand-up comedy and laughing our asses off, the nights we couldn't sleep so instead whispered in the dark about childhood memories or future plans. What about those memories? Do they truly mean nothing now? Are they rendered meaningless because we divorced?
It's not like they haunt me, they honestly seldom cross my mind. But they are there and I don't want to just ignore them or act like the good never happened. I don't want the bad he did to outweigh the good. He was once something much more than my ex-husband who broke my heart in ways I can't explain. He's not somebody that I hate or wish ill on but he's also not somebody that I want in my life. It's just odd now and hard to explain. I'm past all the pain and tears and I got through that part without being bitter towards him, though it took a lot to get to that point, honestly. I'm grateful for that.
It's quite nice to not hate him but it's quite nice to not love him either.
2009 was a difficult year, spent dealing with azoospermia and PCOS. IF was so damn hard on us and our marriage. 2010 wasn't much better with the roller coaster of postponing a few IVFs and looking into adoption. There was a lot of goodness sprinkled in though, just enough to keep us sane. But, looking back, I think those two years are where I can pinpoint our decline. That's when our marriage started failing and we stopped trying. It simply became too much and we just coasted. I can also pinpoint 2011 as the beginning of the end. XH became increasingly cruel and emotionally abusive, his manipulation took on a whole new level.The strain really took a toll on me and my self-esteem. My depression overwhelmed me and I finally got help from a doctor. Just as the meds actually started helping, my Dad died. Two months after he died, XH told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore but refused divorce and counseling. Instead, we decided to move back to TX and well, now here I am.
Here I am. Mindful of the bad but also stuck with countless memories that are good. He wasn't always an asshole, he was a great husband up until a certain point. So what do I do with all these good memories? The ones that do bring a smile to my face or make me laugh. The ones where everything aligned and our small world didn't revolve around IF or cancer or anything but each other for a moment. The hikes we went on where we marveled at the pure beauty around us, the night drives out into the middle of nowhere to stare at countless stars, the road trips we spent listening to stand-up comedy and laughing our asses off, the nights we couldn't sleep so instead whispered in the dark about childhood memories or future plans. What about those memories? Do they truly mean nothing now? Are they rendered meaningless because we divorced?
It's not like they haunt me, they honestly seldom cross my mind. But they are there and I don't want to just ignore them or act like the good never happened. I don't want the bad he did to outweigh the good. He was once something much more than my ex-husband who broke my heart in ways I can't explain. He's not somebody that I hate or wish ill on but he's also not somebody that I want in my life. It's just odd now and hard to explain. I'm past all the pain and tears and I got through that part without being bitter towards him, though it took a lot to get to that point, honestly. I'm grateful for that.
It's quite nice to not hate him but it's quite nice to not love him either.
October 17, 2014
Gratitude!
It's been a busy week, I'm happy to have made it to Friday! Although, it's a busy weekend too so I'm not so sure why I'm so relieved. I've been working my butt off getting the etsy shop up and running while also preparing for a Fall mini-session this weekend. It's quite nice to be busy but it's also draining! This weekend is packed with Halloween festivities along with the shoot so I'm sure I'll be exhausted by Sunday night. But, that's a good problem to have, IMO.
Anyway, I have pumpkin scents burning in my warmer, the Cowboy is next to me playing around on his phone, and the dogs are snoring. It's nice and cozy and I love it! This week I'm grateful for:
* good friends who buy jewelry from your shop!
* spending time with my Grandma, she's hilarious
* cold fronts that allow me to sleep with open windows
* my sister, who is pretty much my therapist and my biggest support
* having the space in my house for my photography and an etsy shop
* a sweet boyfriend who vacuums and deep cleans the carpet
* Halloween themed sleepovers with my nephews and nieces
Sometimes I have to pinch myself because it's hard to believe this is my life now. I really couldn't imagine a better outcome after losing my Dad and going through the divorce. I'm very lucky to be surrounded by the people I have in my life. I've been so down lately but it's starting to turn around, hope is returning, just like it always does!
Anyway, I have pumpkin scents burning in my warmer, the Cowboy is next to me playing around on his phone, and the dogs are snoring. It's nice and cozy and I love it! This week I'm grateful for:
* good friends who buy jewelry from your shop!
* spending time with my Grandma, she's hilarious
* cold fronts that allow me to sleep with open windows
* my sister, who is pretty much my therapist and my biggest support
* having the space in my house for my photography and an etsy shop
* a sweet boyfriend who vacuums and deep cleans the carpet
* Halloween themed sleepovers with my nephews and nieces
Sometimes I have to pinch myself because it's hard to believe this is my life now. I really couldn't imagine a better outcome after losing my Dad and going through the divorce. I'm very lucky to be surrounded by the people I have in my life. I've been so down lately but it's starting to turn around, hope is returning, just like it always does!
September 11, 2014
Things suck lately
Things lately have been not great. My health issues are popping up again and this time around, it scares the hell out of me. The first time this health stuff came to to light I was still in my twenties, married, and covered by his awesome health insurance. This time around, so much is different. It's scary and expensive and I can feel awfully alone. Because in true Amanda fashion, I'm not talking a lot about this stuff IRL. If it is brought up, I downplay it. It's overwhelming to just think about it, so my reasoning is that talking about it would probably throw me over the edge.
And now I have a huge pit in my stomach because this week sucked and now I'm going to talk about why. Ugh. XH is engaged. To the woman he left me for and emotionally cheated with. The young, tall, thin woman who I'd love to call a bunch of nasty names but am too much of a lady to do so. Just kidding, I totally would just let 'em out but I can't do the whole "shame the OW thing", it's just silly at this point. Although some days my tongue just can't be held and those days usually involve rum and a night out with the girls.
It didn't hurt, even if my pride did slightly cringe, my heart had no reaction. It irked me but in the super mature way of- "Fuck no, he can't win! He needs to be dumped!" I don't want him or to go back in time and redo all the damage for a second chance because my life now rocks (let's just ignore my health issues!) and I'm no longer the same Amanda I was back then. But wow, he sure still manages to surprise me. Engaged already. And to her. My pride is more than cringing, it's wanting to crawl under a rock with a bottle of rum.
I never imagined this being my life and most of the time, that is a positive thing because I'm happier now than I was then. But, then there are those moments where it sinks in deeper than I'd like and it aches something fierce. Times when my pride is wounded and the memories invade. Times when the depth of the hurt can't be denied. These times are fleeting and very rare. I usually stop, lick my wounds in private, enjoy some wine, and then keep on trucking.
I'll feel better tomorrow, today I'm going to wallow a little.
And now I have a huge pit in my stomach because this week sucked and now I'm going to talk about why. Ugh. XH is engaged. To the woman he left me for and emotionally cheated with. The young, tall, thin woman who I'd love to call a bunch of nasty names but am too much of a lady to do so. Just kidding, I totally would just let 'em out but I can't do the whole "shame the OW thing", it's just silly at this point. Although some days my tongue just can't be held and those days usually involve rum and a night out with the girls.
It didn't hurt, even if my pride did slightly cringe, my heart had no reaction. It irked me but in the super mature way of- "Fuck no, he can't win! He needs to be dumped!" I don't want him or to go back in time and redo all the damage for a second chance because my life now rocks (let's just ignore my health issues!) and I'm no longer the same Amanda I was back then. But wow, he sure still manages to surprise me. Engaged already. And to her. My pride is more than cringing, it's wanting to crawl under a rock with a bottle of rum.
I never imagined this being my life and most of the time, that is a positive thing because I'm happier now than I was then. But, then there are those moments where it sinks in deeper than I'd like and it aches something fierce. Times when my pride is wounded and the memories invade. Times when the depth of the hurt can't be denied. These times are fleeting and very rare. I usually stop, lick my wounds in private, enjoy some wine, and then keep on trucking.
I'll feel better tomorrow, today I'm going to wallow a little.
July 15, 2014
What Should Have Been
I've got a good life, I'm happy and healthy and strong. I'm surrounded by family and friends. My dogs are awesome, my boyfriend is amazing. My future looks bright. It's much smoother sailing than it has been in a long time. So you can imagine my annoyance when shit from my divorce pops up. It's like being on a hike through beautiful scenery and suddenly stepping in a huge pile of dog shit. Everything is still beautiful, but fuck are you pissed about the dog shit.
I had a nightmare about XH Sunday night and spent all of yesterday in the bitchiest mood. I think it's because today would have been my 8 year wedding anniversary. I don't miss him, or want him back, but it's still bothering me. And that pisses me off. It's my big ol' stinky pile of dog shit. Damn it all.
I can't help but think about the past today and wonder about what might have been. Thoughts that are all very useless but flood my mind anyway. I know tomorrow will be better and I know that by next week, XH won't even be a thought in my mind. But today? Today can go suck it.
I'm leaving for vacation Friday, my first with M. A day in NOLA and then 3 days in Panama City Beach followed by an OOT wedding that he's in. I'm excited to experience these cities with him, he's never been to either. I've been to both with XH. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment? Ugh.
I had a nightmare about XH Sunday night and spent all of yesterday in the bitchiest mood. I think it's because today would have been my 8 year wedding anniversary. I don't miss him, or want him back, but it's still bothering me. And that pisses me off. It's my big ol' stinky pile of dog shit. Damn it all.
I can't help but think about the past today and wonder about what might have been. Thoughts that are all very useless but flood my mind anyway. I know tomorrow will be better and I know that by next week, XH won't even be a thought in my mind. But today? Today can go suck it.
I'm leaving for vacation Friday, my first with M. A day in NOLA and then 3 days in Panama City Beach followed by an OOT wedding that he's in. I'm excited to experience these cities with him, he's never been to either. I've been to both with XH. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment? Ugh.
June 24, 2014
Moving In
So, it's been a year since I met the Cowboy aka M and a year since we went on our first date, I introduced him here. I never expected to find anything meaningful and was quite content to just play around on my own. Isn't it funny how God had other plans? It hasn't been smooth, it was a learning process for me to be in a relationship that wasn't with my XH but M was very, very patient with me and I am grateful. It's no surprise that we fell in love. Falling in love as an adult was, and continues to be, the most incredible experience.
I posted a while back about being in a strange spot with our relationship because of the whole marriage thing. Once we finally talked, it was such a relief and I felt so much better for us to be on the same page. We now agree that maybe, one day in the future, we will get engaged but for now, we're happy just being together. There is no rush and neither of us needs to make it official to continue on.
But, we did move in together! Or rather, he moved in with me and my already full house but everyone likes him and supported the decision. It's quite nice to have him here, we are both enjoying it immensely! Although, it's been an adjustment, of course. I don't mind sharing the closet but sharing one of my dressers made me slightly grumpy. But, he helps cook and clean so that makes the annoyance easier to handle....ha!
I'm happy and in love, it's wonderful. M has been the biggest surprise but definitely one of the best. It's a new chapter and I'm excited to see what it brings!
I posted a while back about being in a strange spot with our relationship because of the whole marriage thing. Once we finally talked, it was such a relief and I felt so much better for us to be on the same page. We now agree that maybe, one day in the future, we will get engaged but for now, we're happy just being together. There is no rush and neither of us needs to make it official to continue on.
But, we did move in together! Or rather, he moved in with me and my already full house but everyone likes him and supported the decision. It's quite nice to have him here, we are both enjoying it immensely! Although, it's been an adjustment, of course. I don't mind sharing the closet but sharing one of my dressers made me slightly grumpy. But, he helps cook and clean so that makes the annoyance easier to handle....ha!
I'm happy and in love, it's wonderful. M has been the biggest surprise but definitely one of the best. It's a new chapter and I'm excited to see what it brings!
June 2, 2014
Me Without Him
Around this time last year, things really started turning around for me. Much of the post-split haze had lifted and my anti-depressant medications had been adjusted and were working wonderfully. I still had moments of weakness, and those would continue for a few more months, but for the most part I had turned a corner. It was an amazing feeling. It felt like I had reclaimed my life for me and like I was finally living my life for myself and nobody else. I was free!
I took my freedom and ran with it. I started out slowly- decorating my house however I desired, added pink touches to my bedroom, spread my makeup out on the bathroom counter and took over the entire master closet. Then I started drinking whenever the urge struck, something XH didn't "allow". I covered his side of the bed in magazines, books, my Nook and my laptop so they were always within arms reach. Then I started going out a lot and making out with random guys in bars. Around this time last year, I had my first ever one night stand. It was quickly followed by a couple more because why not? I was all over OKC, flirting with guys via messaging and having a blast. Of course, I met the Cowboy not long after but the fun didn't stop because I was in a relationship! If anything, it's gotten even more fun!
I was with XH for 13 years, I never experienced a lot of things because I spent my twenties engaged, married and dealing with IF. I never knew anything but life with him and discovering life without him has been one of my life's greatest adventures. I never knew how happy I could be. I never knew how high I could fly. I didn't know how much better I would be without him. Until my divorce. It took my divorce to show/teach me all of that. And now I know I could never go back, I've come too far. I know I've said it before but it's something I say often: Even on my worst days now, I'm still happier now than on my best days back then.
My marriage wasn't always bad, it once was great and once upon a time, we were in love and happy. But things changed and it became very toxic and unhealthy. I am grateful that it ended when it did. His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me because it saved me and gave me back to myself. It started me on a journey that has been the most amazing experience. I had a lot of dark days, especially at the beginning and I'm not exactly sure what got me through them. I suspect it was a joint effort between my faith, my family and friends and lots and lots of rum. I think my own stubbornness had a lot to do with it too though. I simply had to get through it because I knew in my heart that once I came out on the other side, my life would never be the same and that it would have changed for the better. It was very difficult to trust that instinct but I'm glad I did, I have no regrets. I think, in the end, it has all worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.
I'm where I need to be, I still have far to go but I know I'll get there. Right now, I'm just enjoying this great adventure I'm on and soaking up everything I can. This is me without him. And it's the life I've always hoped I'd live.
I took my freedom and ran with it. I started out slowly- decorating my house however I desired, added pink touches to my bedroom, spread my makeup out on the bathroom counter and took over the entire master closet. Then I started drinking whenever the urge struck, something XH didn't "allow". I covered his side of the bed in magazines, books, my Nook and my laptop so they were always within arms reach. Then I started going out a lot and making out with random guys in bars. Around this time last year, I had my first ever one night stand. It was quickly followed by a couple more because why not? I was all over OKC, flirting with guys via messaging and having a blast. Of course, I met the Cowboy not long after but the fun didn't stop because I was in a relationship! If anything, it's gotten even more fun!
I was with XH for 13 years, I never experienced a lot of things because I spent my twenties engaged, married and dealing with IF. I never knew anything but life with him and discovering life without him has been one of my life's greatest adventures. I never knew how happy I could be. I never knew how high I could fly. I didn't know how much better I would be without him. Until my divorce. It took my divorce to show/teach me all of that. And now I know I could never go back, I've come too far. I know I've said it before but it's something I say often: Even on my worst days now, I'm still happier now than on my best days back then.
My marriage wasn't always bad, it once was great and once upon a time, we were in love and happy. But things changed and it became very toxic and unhealthy. I am grateful that it ended when it did. His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me because it saved me and gave me back to myself. It started me on a journey that has been the most amazing experience. I had a lot of dark days, especially at the beginning and I'm not exactly sure what got me through them. I suspect it was a joint effort between my faith, my family and friends and lots and lots of rum. I think my own stubbornness had a lot to do with it too though. I simply had to get through it because I knew in my heart that once I came out on the other side, my life would never be the same and that it would have changed for the better. It was very difficult to trust that instinct but I'm glad I did, I have no regrets. I think, in the end, it has all worked out exactly the way it was suppose to.
I'm where I need to be, I still have far to go but I know I'll get there. Right now, I'm just enjoying this great adventure I'm on and soaking up everything I can. This is me without him. And it's the life I've always hoped I'd live.
May 14, 2014
XH Drama
I have maintained, through out this whole divorce, that XH and I were going to remain friends. I was determined for us to stay friendly because we are such a huge part of each others history that it didn't make sense to me for us to end on bad terms. I am much better at this than XH is, I am able to not blur the lines and to not discuss what happened between us. XH simply sucks at keeping things on that level. And this past week, he lost his damn mind.
He showed up last Tuesday, despite my protests and despite me literally being on my way out the door to deposit my share of the mortgage into his account, he insisted on coming over to pick it up personally. He proceeded to stay an hour, chatting about his work, friends and just random stuff. He left and I went about my day. Shit hit the fan the next night. Apparently he changed his relationship status on FB to reflect he's with the girl he left me for. I've known they are together, it's not a big deal because I'm over it and I have moved on. However, my best friend did not react well. She pretty much blasted him on FB and her, even calling her a whore.
I had been arguing with XH that day over mortgage related issues, so I was already in a foul mood. I texted him two angry texts but they honestly weren't that bad, no name calling or anything like that. Unbeknown to me, XH and my BFF got into not long after. I was in bed, watching tv with the Cowboy and drinking wine, when I got a text from BFF.
It seems XH posted my texts and then posted that I was engaged and pregnant. I woke up to all kinds of messages and texts. I then proceeded to lose my damn mind. I called him up and raged. He deleted them immediately but the damage was done and I spent the day putting out fires. Then his GF jumped in on everything and just made it all so much better. (can you hear my sarcasm?)
Long story short, XH and his GF are blocked in every way- across all social media accounts and XH's number is blocked on my phone. He is banned from interaction with me and must communicate with my sister regarding anything related to the house. I am in the process of getting an order of protection too, thanks to some scary verbal threats that were made by them. I was legit freaked out and felt so violated by everything that happened. It really shook me.
The last two years of our marriage, XH was very emotionally abusive and manipulative. It took lots of therapy to see it and admit it and tell people about it. His actions last week proved to me that he's still very capable of harm and is still actively trying to control me and hurt me. I am much more at peace with him being blocked from my life, it's such a relief to be honest. And he had no explanation for why he posted I was engaged and pregnant, he apologized but put the blame back on me, of course.
I'm done and just want off this roller coaster, so glad to be finally putting my foot down and ending all contact. I'm not even sad we can't be friends because clearly, it's not what is best for me.
He showed up last Tuesday, despite my protests and despite me literally being on my way out the door to deposit my share of the mortgage into his account, he insisted on coming over to pick it up personally. He proceeded to stay an hour, chatting about his work, friends and just random stuff. He left and I went about my day. Shit hit the fan the next night. Apparently he changed his relationship status on FB to reflect he's with the girl he left me for. I've known they are together, it's not a big deal because I'm over it and I have moved on. However, my best friend did not react well. She pretty much blasted him on FB and her, even calling her a whore.
I had been arguing with XH that day over mortgage related issues, so I was already in a foul mood. I texted him two angry texts but they honestly weren't that bad, no name calling or anything like that. Unbeknown to me, XH and my BFF got into not long after. I was in bed, watching tv with the Cowboy and drinking wine, when I got a text from BFF.
It seems XH posted my texts and then posted that I was engaged and pregnant. I woke up to all kinds of messages and texts. I then proceeded to lose my damn mind. I called him up and raged. He deleted them immediately but the damage was done and I spent the day putting out fires. Then his GF jumped in on everything and just made it all so much better. (can you hear my sarcasm?)
Long story short, XH and his GF are blocked in every way- across all social media accounts and XH's number is blocked on my phone. He is banned from interaction with me and must communicate with my sister regarding anything related to the house. I am in the process of getting an order of protection too, thanks to some scary verbal threats that were made by them. I was legit freaked out and felt so violated by everything that happened. It really shook me.
The last two years of our marriage, XH was very emotionally abusive and manipulative. It took lots of therapy to see it and admit it and tell people about it. His actions last week proved to me that he's still very capable of harm and is still actively trying to control me and hurt me. I am much more at peace with him being blocked from my life, it's such a relief to be honest. And he had no explanation for why he posted I was engaged and pregnant, he apologized but put the blame back on me, of course.
I'm done and just want off this roller coaster, so glad to be finally putting my foot down and ending all contact. I'm not even sad we can't be friends because clearly, it's not what is best for me.
April 29, 2014
Talking Marriage
Yet another sleepless night, I've noticed these tend to happen when I have a lot on my mind. So many thoughts and feelings tumbling around in my mind always equals no sleep and countless hours playing on my phone while the night passes. I'm currently sitting at my kitchen table, the only light coming from my laptop and my headphones hooked up to my iphone so I can listen to music while I type this. Even the dogs are asleep, having given up on me about two hours ago. It's fine because sad country music is the perfect muse to get all these feelings out anyway.
It seems my life is currently at an impasse. Or, rather, my relationship is. We've been dating almost 11 months. I'm not quite sure how that happened. It seems like just yesterday we were walking the beach and spending sultry Summer nights making out and drinking beer. I feel like I blinked and here I am, almost a year later, with a wonderful boyfriend who mentioned marriage to me. Like, he legit said to me that it would be a year soon and wouldn't that be a great time to get engaged. And because I'm a giddy little schoolgirl, part of me squealed and thought about pretty wedding dresses and flowers and cake. Then, the other part of me, the cynical, practical, marriage-wary grown up, heard the screeching sound of brakes being abruptly put on.
I'm not sure if I want to get married again but I do know for sure that I'm definitely not wanting to get married now, not quite 19 months after my split. I just can't even flirt with the idea, because when I do toy with it and look online at rings, my left hand just starts to feel heavy. I start to freak out a little and to be honest I can't stand the thought of a ring on my hand. The idea of being Mrs. Cowboy seriously makes my heart sink. Clearly, I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure I'll ever want to be Mrs. Somebody again. I just can't picture that. I don't know, maybe it's still the bitterness but I just can't.
We talked about this last month and I thought we were on the same page but I'm not quite so sure anymore. This man wants to marry me and I'm over here freaking out about the mere idea. I love him, he's a wonderful guy and in so many ways, he's perfection. We're a great match. But (and why in the hell does there have to be a but?) something just feels off to me and that makes me feel absolutely awful.
Of course, there's always the distinct possibility that I am WAY over thinking this and just having normal anxieties after everything that happened with XH. But, it's not fair to him to keep him waiting while I figure that out. Him and I need to have a major talk and I am dreading it so much. Fuck man! This whole relationship thing is hard.
It seems my life is currently at an impasse. Or, rather, my relationship is. We've been dating almost 11 months. I'm not quite sure how that happened. It seems like just yesterday we were walking the beach and spending sultry Summer nights making out and drinking beer. I feel like I blinked and here I am, almost a year later, with a wonderful boyfriend who mentioned marriage to me. Like, he legit said to me that it would be a year soon and wouldn't that be a great time to get engaged. And because I'm a giddy little schoolgirl, part of me squealed and thought about pretty wedding dresses and flowers and cake. Then, the other part of me, the cynical, practical, marriage-wary grown up, heard the screeching sound of brakes being abruptly put on.
I'm not sure if I want to get married again but I do know for sure that I'm definitely not wanting to get married now, not quite 19 months after my split. I just can't even flirt with the idea, because when I do toy with it and look online at rings, my left hand just starts to feel heavy. I start to freak out a little and to be honest I can't stand the thought of a ring on my hand. The idea of being Mrs. Cowboy seriously makes my heart sink. Clearly, I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure I'll ever want to be Mrs. Somebody again. I just can't picture that. I don't know, maybe it's still the bitterness but I just can't.
We talked about this last month and I thought we were on the same page but I'm not quite so sure anymore. This man wants to marry me and I'm over here freaking out about the mere idea. I love him, he's a wonderful guy and in so many ways, he's perfection. We're a great match. But (and why in the hell does there have to be a but?) something just feels off to me and that makes me feel absolutely awful.
Of course, there's always the distinct possibility that I am WAY over thinking this and just having normal anxieties after everything that happened with XH. But, it's not fair to him to keep him waiting while I figure that out. Him and I need to have a major talk and I am dreading it so much. Fuck man! This whole relationship thing is hard.
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