July 14, 2015

Wedding Anniversaries

Tomorrow would have been my ninth wedding anniversary. It's such an awkward date to remember now. But I can't help but remember it. Most of the important days from that relationship are just etched into my mind- our first kiss, our first date, the date we became "us", the day he proposed, the dates we bought our houses, and of course, the date we split up. A long history spanning from 1999 to 2013, I guess you're just bound to remember after that long. Those days mostly pass without me really feeling anything, or remembering if I don't prompt myself. But this one is actually giving me a little bit of a pause.

A pause to reflect a little. I never imagined nine years ago that our outcome would end up so drastically different from what we envisioned. No one does though, who plans for divorce? The first few years of our marriage weren't bad, I have fond memories. Everything started going downhill after the azoo dx and came to a halt when my father died. He actually came to me a mere three months after my Dad's death to tell me that his feelings for me had changed. But we stuck it out for a few more months, moving back to TX and everything in hopes that we would find our way out of such a bad place. It never happened, obviously.

Instead, I write this as a divorced woman, who has happily moved on and found something with a man I never dreamed was a reality. I'm a very blunt, honest person, it's both my best and worst quality. But I just couldn't be honest with myself in my marriage. Not that I'm too hard on myself about that, the hardest thing is being honest with yourself. I will gladly hold up the truth mirror for others but when it comes to catching a glimpse of myself, I avoid it at all costs. I'd like to think I've changed that aspect of myself but I'm not really sure. I guess it's still hard for me to face the truth.

But, the truth is, my marriage failed and that sucks. Not because I miss XH or yearn for a life with him, but because I failed. I know he shares the blame, believe me, but I'm not responsible for his failings, only my own. And my own hurt me more than he ever did. I think part of the reason I'm so adamant about not remarrying is because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to hold up my end of the bargain. I failed once, I really, really don't want to fail again. I can't do that to myself or to a man who loves me.

Of course, I am only a couple years post-divorce, who knows how I'll feel in the future. I have hope that I'll learn to forgive myself...and trust myself again.

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