July 30, 2015

Hopeful Cynic

I've always been a bit sarcastic, often times people have a hard time adjusting to my warped sense of humor. Or mistake my sarcasm for truth and blindly assume I'm serious and just an asshole. Ehh, sometimes I am though! In the throes of the IF stuff, I became very depressed, bitter, and angry. I was a ball of rage. I was dreadful to be around and just very lost. That nobody in my life had a "come to Jesus" talk with me is definitely a point of contention for me but that's a post for another day. I did eventually get on antidepressants and start therapy but it truly didn't get better for me until my divorce. Which I think is hilariously ironic.

After that, I was able to take a good look at myself and I hated what I saw, who I had become. I worked my butt off to change. I'm definitely not the unhappy, angry mess that I once was. My sister tells me often just how nice it is to have the old Amanda back. And while I'm not a bitter bitch anymore, I'm definitely not the full of hope, naive woman I once was either. Too much has happened, too many tears have been shed, and too much grief has dulled the rose colored glasses I tried so hard to keep on.

I don't really mind it either. I'm absolutely more cynical and still very sarcastic but I do have enough hope in me that I'm not exactly moping around like Eeyore. I'm a hopeful cynic, which to me means I'm realistic about how just very wrong everything can go but I'm hopeful that it won't. So I may joke a lot about marriage being awful but I'm hopeful that one day I'll actually want to be a Mrs again.

A hopeful cynic, I know it sounds like an oxymoron but it's my truth and I'm embracing it.

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