Things suck lately

Things lately have been not great. My health issues are popping up again and this time around, it scares the hell out of me. The first time this health stuff came to to light I was still in my twenties, married, and covered by his awesome health insurance. This time around, so much is different. It's scary and expensive and I can feel awfully alone. Because in true Amanda fashion, I'm not talking a lot about this stuff IRL. If it is brought up, I downplay it. It's overwhelming to just think about it, so my reasoning is that talking about it would probably throw me over the edge.

And now I have a huge pit in my stomach because this week sucked and now I'm going to talk about why. Ugh. XH is engaged. To the woman he left me for and emotionally cheated with. The young, tall, thin woman who I'd love to call a bunch of nasty names but am too much of a lady to do so. Just kidding, I totally would just let 'em out but I can't do the whole "shame the OW thing", it's just silly at this point. Although some days my tongue just can't be held and those days usually involve rum and a night out with the girls.

It didn't hurt, even if my pride did slightly cringe, my heart had no reaction. It irked me but in the super mature way of- "Fuck no, he can't win! He needs to be dumped!" I don't want him or to go back in time and redo all the damage for a second chance because my life now rocks (let's just ignore my health issues!) and I'm no longer the same Amanda I was back then. But wow, he sure still manages to surprise me. Engaged already. And to her. My pride is more than cringing, it's wanting to crawl under a rock with a bottle of rum.

I never imagined this being my life and most of the time, that is a positive thing because I'm happier now than I was then. But, then there are those moments where it sinks in deeper than I'd like and it aches something fierce. Times when my pride is wounded and the memories invade. Times when the depth of the hurt can't be denied. These times are fleeting and very rare. I usually stop, lick my wounds in private, enjoy some wine, and then keep on trucking.

I'll feel better tomorrow, today I'm going to wallow a little.

What Should Have Been

I've got a good life, I'm happy and healthy and strong. I'm surrounded by family and friends. My dogs are awesome, my boyfriend is amazing. My future looks bright. It's much smoother sailing than it has been in a long time. So you can imagine my annoyance when shit from my divorce pops up. It's like being on a hike through beautiful scenery and suddenly stepping in a huge pile of dog shit. Everything is still beautiful, but fuck are you pissed about the dog shit.

I had a nightmare about XH Sunday night and spent all of yesterday in the bitchiest mood. I think it's because today would have been my 8 year wedding anniversary. I don't miss him, or want him back, but it's still bothering me. And that pisses me off. It's my big ol' stinky pile of dog shit. Damn it all.

I can't help but think about the past today and wonder about what might have been. Thoughts that are all very useless but flood my mind anyway. I know tomorrow will be better and I know that by next week, XH won't even be a thought in my mind. But today? Today can go suck it.

I'm leaving for vacation Friday, my first with M. A day in NOLA and then 3 days in Panama City Beach followed by an OOT wedding that he's in. I'm excited to experience these cities with him, he's never been to either. I've been to both with XH. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment? Ugh.

Bitch about it Sunday

Something has shifted and I can't quite put my finger on exactly what. All I know is that my tolerance for bullshit is super low and I'm being kinda bitchy lately. I just have no fucks to give. The poor Cowboy is just rolling with it but I can tell he's internally WTFing my attitude a lot but biting his tongue. I can't even really blame PMS because thanks to complications from my IUD, it's raging all the time. Yay for me!

So, I thought, instead of a (late) gratitude list, I'd instead make a list of bitchy/snarky thoughts running through my head. The irony of making this post of bitchiness on a Sunday is not lost on me either but ehh, no fucks to give, remember?

Anyway, I want to bitch about the following:

* Upon seeing Kanye.West and Kim.Kardashian on the cover of Vogue, my thought process was this: They're basically the poor man's JayZ/Beyonce, yes? Why would such a classic magazine risk losing all credibility by putting a chick with a sex tape on the cover? Need publicity that bad? So, Anna Wintour IS a Kardashian in disguise. Gotcha

* a good friend of mine has been telling us for months now that she was going to TTC after they bought a house, which they did last month. She just announced her pregnancy and told everyone it was an unplanned shock. No bitch, you planned it, why lie? And don't get all huffy with me when I call you out!

* a huge jet has been missing for 2 weeks and you're telling me that the world has no clue what happened? I'm not buying it. You cannot tell me that the US government doesn't know exactly what happened but isn't sharing because there were so few Americans on board. Which is super shitty of my government, shame on them.

* I adore the show HIMYM but if it ends with the mother dead, I will never watch a single episode ever again. I've invested 9 seasons with this show and to end it so shitty would really be the writers saying a giant fuck you to all the fans. I'm still pissed about how Roseanne ended.

* my guy BFF has decided to get back with his XW, who cheated on him with this best friend while he was deployed and thought she was KU by that guy. Yes, BFF, give another chance to the tramp who fucked your long time friend while you were at war for our country. That should end well.


Oh man, I actually feel better now! Sometimes, you just gotta bitch about things to clear out the negative from your mind. I am always grateful for my life and the people/things in it but sometimes, those same people/things piss me off and irritate me.  And since even I refuse to pop open some wine this early on a Sunday, this is how I cope!

helpless female syndrome

Most days I feel like a competent, functioning adult. I go about my day feeling like I totally rock this whole being grown up shit. Then there are those days where I'm just like lolololol, just kidding! There's no way I'm about to be 31 and who let me be responsible for big decisions. Just leave me alone and let me play mahjong titans while I listen to BSB and N*Sync on repeat while I munch on chips and m&m's.

Being an adult didn't seem so challenging when I was still married, I mean, we were going through some very heavy, adult issues but we had each other to lean on. But that's not what trips me up these days. It's so many other little things that really bother me and sometimes cause me to curse the day C walked out. For example, choosing a new exterminator, repairs on my car, looking over health plans, choosing new flooring for the house, having to figure out what plants I want for the landscaping update and the house needs gutters but, what color? And do I want them around the entire house or just certain areas? But, oh shit, wait, the dogs need to go to the vet and how can I manage to get all three there and Bella has epilepsy and the vet is throwing scary questions at me, what do I say? I realize these are questions and problems that really aren't that hard but they're ones I always discussed with C. So I always had someone to turn to and look at for their input. In many ways, I miss that. I miss an equally invested partner that looks at these questions from my point of view. You know, the view of the owner/person paying for this shit. The Cowboy is awesome to bounce ideas off but at the end of the day, this isn't his stuff so he's not that invested. Nor do I expect him to be at this point.

I just get overwhelmed sometimes and it sucks. I get very frustrated with myself when I get like this too because it just feels very "helpless female syndrome" to me and I refuse to be that girl ever again. I don't want to depend on a guy for anything anymore. It's a real struggle within me to lean on the Cowboy for stuff. I'm very stubborn and protective of my independence so he's had to remind me several times to loosen the grips and let him take care of small things. Like hanging Christmas lights on my house, helping me bathe the dogs or take them to the vet. He's great about doing handyman stuff for me around my house too but it always makes me feel weird. It's been a real learning process for me to be single after 13 years. It's an adjustment to go from making decisions together to being the sole one responsible for everything. And I have to be honest, there are times I do call C and ask for his input. He's good about helping out when needed, I'm grateful for that.

A plus side of being adult though is that I can drink and wine is the perfect solution for a tough day. I already know which bottle I'll be opening tonight! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play legos with my four year old niece because I'm over being an adult today.

oh! And Happy New Year! May 2014 bring you everything you wish for and much happiness, laughter and love!

3 Pregnancies & an Engagement

I've had quite the week. The final design was chosen for my Dad's headstone, something we had put off for almost two years. I just couldn't bring myself to pick it out because it just made it so damn real. I chose the hospice service we used, made calls about his final days, and planned the entire funeral on my own. I just didn't have it in me to do this one last thing, the last step. My SIL took over and it's done and it's been hard to think about. It's going to be installed soon, just in time for the 2 year mark since he died.

Three pregnancy announcements also sent me in a tailspin this week. Three cousins all due next year. One with her first, one with her sixth and the other with her fourth and yes, they are all younger than me. They all got married after me as well. Out of all of us, I was so sure my marriage would last and that I'd have babies by now. Funny how pregnancies can still send me diving headfirst into a bottle of wine. I'm happy for them, babies are a blessing and I'll happily buy baby gifts and cuddle newborns when the time comes. But, oh my Lord, the blinding pain knocked me off my ass.

My little sister also got engaged last week. He's an incredible guy and even better father to my niece, whom he wants to adopt! I'm thrilled for her and I'm happy to pour over wedding magazines and gasp at beautiful gowns. It's just a little sting to think of my own gorgeous wedding dress (that I really need to get rid of) and my own wedding that I adored.

Everyone's life is advancing and it just feels like my own is just stuck in the same damn place. A place I didn't plan for or chose but a place that was handed to me nonetheless. It's a place I can handle and I've made as much peace as I can with being in it. But, sometimes, the absurdity of it all just slams into me and takes my breath away. I am really 30 years old, divorcing, childless and jobless. This is my life and it's crazy. Thank God for my family, friends, the Cowboy and great wine!

C finally signed the divorce papers this week too. I signed under his name and submitted them to my lawyer. They go before the judge this week and he'll grant the decree and it'll be done. 13 months after he left and 12 months after I filed, an end is truly in sight. It's the most bittersweet feeling I have ever felt. There is no other way to word it.

This week was challenging. It all came at me at once and I felt so damn overwhelmed. I got properly drunk and cried my eyes out. I'm feeling better now but still fighting that stupid cold. On bed rest so it won't turn into pneumonia, like it usually does. See? All at once. I know next week will be better though. I have hope that it's all going to turn around soon.

Valentine's day can suck it

There are so many times that I think to myself, "Hell yeah, I'm rocking this single shit!" and then there are so many times that I think, "Waah, where is a guy when I need one?!" I most often get overwhelmed when I'm faced with something C usually dealt with or when I have to make a major decision all on my own. It's hard to choose new tires, argue with mechanics, put together furniture and find the proper tools to do anything around the house. I'm learning though and that's the important thing, although it kinda makes me sad  that C isn't around to help. Plus, it seems like Valentine's day is mocking me this year. It's everywhere and it just plain sucks. I was never a big fan but this year, I absolutely loathe it. I'll be spending it visiting my Dad at the cemetery, baking with my niece and that night, I'll pick up some Italian food and watch movies in my room with a bottle of wine and a bunch of candy. Happy freaking single Valentine's day to me.

I miss him and I desperately wish I didn't. His dad came by today to bring me my mail, he's so sad about the divorce and says C won't hardly talk to him. He is really pushing everyone away and it's just sad. My 8 y/o nephew had a school assignment to draw a picture of someone he loves and list why. He chose C and it just broke my heart to see. SIL sent C a picture of it but he never responded, which pisses me off. I forget that other people are affected by our divorce and it sucks to inadvertently hurt our families. My nephew frequently mentions to me that nobody will ever replace C and that he loves and misses C so very much. It always makes me cry. It also makes me wish things were different.

I do feel happy most days and I do feel like divorce is what is best for us. I didn't want this at first but now I do. I just struggle so much with knowing after 13 years, we are truly over, it's very hard to let go. I also wish with every fiber of my being that nobody else was affected by this. I'm tired of my feelings about the divorce being all over the place. I'm tired of the constant flood of memories that are hitting me lately. I just wish things were different. I always knew divorce was hard but nobody tells you just how soul-crushing it truly is or how much it'll make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself and life. I mean, duh, it's clearly a game changer but never in my wildest dreams did I think it would change me so drastically. Or hurt my family or affect my close friends or hurt me so deeply, down to my core.

Dark Clouds

Most of the time, I stay pretty positive and confident in the choices I've made about my life since we split up. But, there are occasionally days where I just want to hop in a time machine and return to what my life use to be like. These days usually start because I had a bad dream about C and they just spiral down from there. I get so mad that he walked out, hurt that he stopped loving me and I just lose hope. A dark cloud follows me all day and I get so damn restless. Nothing cheers me up and it usually ends with me crying and wallowing in self pity.

It all just seems so impossible on my bad days. How will I ever meet a really great guy? Why wasn't C that guy and how did he stop being that great guy? Why does God's plan for me have to involve such pain? I believed in love and trusted C with every fiber of my being, how could I have been so damn wrong? How can I ever trust my feelings again? I just wish I could make C see the depth of pain he's caused and just how much damage he did to my heart. I question everything now and it really sucks to feel like you were living a lie.

Logically my mind knows that our marriage wasn't perfect and that C changed into an ass a long time ago. I know that I'm happier without him breathing down my neck and I know most days I do enjoy being single. It's fun to flirt and talk with guys, it's fun to imagine what my future will be like now. But this damn heart of mine just hasn't caught up with the logic yet. All my heart knows is that when I have a bad day, he isn't there to cushion the blows anymore. He's not sleeping beside me every night to comfort me after a bad dream. He's not here to hold me or kiss me or tell me that I'm beautiful. Sometimes, it's just so very lonely.

I know tomorrow will be a better day. I know that I'm feeling overwhelmed because our divorce will be finalized this month. I know that I'll be ok and that my hope will return. I know that I have less bad days now than I did a month ago and that I'll have even less a month from now. Again, I just wish I had that fast forward button I mentioned. I just want to know that my happy ending is waiting and that it won't take too long to get here!