January 9, 2014

helpless female syndrome

Most days I feel like a competent, functioning adult. I go about my day feeling like I totally rock this whole being grown up shit. Then there are those days where I'm just like lolololol, just kidding! There's no way I'm about to be 31 and who let me be responsible for big decisions. Just leave me alone and let me play mahjong titans while I listen to BSB and N*Sync on repeat while I munch on chips and m&m's.

Being an adult didn't seem so challenging when I was still married, I mean, we were going through some very heavy, adult issues but we had each other to lean on. But that's not what trips me up these days. It's so many other little things that really bother me and sometimes cause me to curse the day C walked out. For example, choosing a new exterminator, repairs on my car, looking over health plans, choosing new flooring for the house, having to figure out what plants I want for the landscaping update and the house needs gutters but, what color? And do I want them around the entire house or just certain areas? But, oh shit, wait, the dogs need to go to the vet and how can I manage to get all three there and Bella has epilepsy and the vet is throwing scary questions at me, what do I say? I realize these are questions and problems that really aren't that hard but they're ones I always discussed with C. So I always had someone to turn to and look at for their input. In many ways, I miss that. I miss an equally invested partner that looks at these questions from my point of view. You know, the view of the owner/person paying for this shit. The Cowboy is awesome to bounce ideas off but at the end of the day, this isn't his stuff so he's not that invested. Nor do I expect him to be at this point.

I just get overwhelmed sometimes and it sucks. I get very frustrated with myself when I get like this too because it just feels very "helpless female syndrome" to me and I refuse to be that girl ever again. I don't want to depend on a guy for anything anymore. It's a real struggle within me to lean on the Cowboy for stuff. I'm very stubborn and protective of my independence so he's had to remind me several times to loosen the grips and let him take care of small things. Like hanging Christmas lights on my house, helping me bathe the dogs or take them to the vet. He's great about doing handyman stuff for me around my house too but it always makes me feel weird. It's been a real learning process for me to be single after 13 years. It's an adjustment to go from making decisions together to being the sole one responsible for everything. And I have to be honest, there are times I do call C and ask for his input. He's good about helping out when needed, I'm grateful for that.

A plus side of being adult though is that I can drink and wine is the perfect solution for a tough day. I already know which bottle I'll be opening tonight! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play legos with my four year old niece because I'm over being an adult today.

oh! And Happy New Year! May 2014 bring you everything you wish for and much happiness, laughter and love!

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