December 29, 2013

Officially divorced, finally

I knew for a few days leading up to the finalization that it was was suppose to happen. But with C, I've learned to never really count on anything so it honestly kept slipping my mind. The night before the Cowboy asked me how I was feeling and I stared at him blankly before it clicked. Woke up Wednesday thinking about the million errands I needed to run before remembering what was going to be happening. I glanced at the time and knew he was in court at that exact moment. Sure enough, my phone rang about 15 minutes later.

He seriously sounded so excited, relieved and happy to announce we were officially divorced. I got all teary eyed because the emotions were overwhelming. I can't remember what we talked about but we didn't speak for long. I did tell him to go be happy now. After we hung up, I texted my four BFFs and called the Cowboy. It was the most bittersweet feeling I've ever felt because all at once I felt: relieved, excited, sad, mad and happy. It felt so surreal to me but, mainly, I felt so damn free. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me. I was so happy to legally be able to return to my maiden name and to belong to myself again.

The next day C called me wanting to see my nephews and niece since he was in town for a little longer. He kept asking if I'd meet him at my brother's too and my Mom felt like I should to help ease the tension between him and my brother so I very reluctantly met him there that night. The kids were happy to see him and he seemed happy to see them too. But, my warning bells were already going off and as the night progressed, they started clanging like crazy. He kept telling the kids old memories of me and telling them the quirky little traits of mine that they shared with me. It was almost embarrassing because I wasn't paying too much attention to him. I was texting my guy BFF and playing with my niece. But he kept looking at me and asking me things.

He left at the same time as me and we ended up talking in front of my brother's house for about an hour. It started off nicely enough but ended with me angrily getting to my car and leaving. Basically we rehashed everything all over again. He still won't accept blame for walking out or for the shit he put me through the last two years of our marriage. He is quick to point out my shortcomings but is blind to his own. He told me that I didn't fight for him and that if I had, we wouldn't be divorced. Guilted me because I have a boyfriend already that has met my family.

I just stood there, like I always do, and took what he was saying. But, then I realized that I don't have to take his shit anymore and I got angry. I started telling him exactly what I thought about the situation and how he failed me. Told him that all the blame he placed on me not giving him enough attention was pathetic because I was occupied with my dying father then with grieving him. I told him that he wasn't strong enough to be what I needed and so yeah, I wanted the divorce. He always acts so baffled when I raise my voice at him and kept commenting that he must have touched a nerve. I looked him in the eye and told him it was because I didn't have to take his shit anymore, got in my car and left.

Haven't heard from him in the eleven days since. And I couldn't be happier or more at peace. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, despite missing my Dad like crazy, and have had a lot of fun with the Cowboy. It's so empowering to realize that I'm free and that I'm not a victim. Yeah, he walked out first and it devastated me but it truly was the best thing for me. I didn't know I could be this happy or just how unhappy I really was with my marriage. He started this divorce process but I kept it going. It was what I wanted for myself. Now I can live my happily ever after with me being my own knight in shining armor. I saved myself. I'm happy because I fought to become the woman I am now and I actually like who I am and how my life is. This is the life I want and I get to choose what direction it goes in.

I'm free.

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