February 5, 2013

Dark Clouds

Most of the time, I stay pretty positive and confident in the choices I've made about my life since we split up. But, there are occasionally days where I just want to hop in a time machine and return to what my life use to be like. These days usually start because I had a bad dream about C and they just spiral down from there. I get so mad that he walked out, hurt that he stopped loving me and I just lose hope. A dark cloud follows me all day and I get so damn restless. Nothing cheers me up and it usually ends with me crying and wallowing in self pity.

It all just seems so impossible on my bad days. How will I ever meet a really great guy? Why wasn't C that guy and how did he stop being that great guy? Why does God's plan for me have to involve such pain? I believed in love and trusted C with every fiber of my being, how could I have been so damn wrong? How can I ever trust my feelings again? I just wish I could make C see the depth of pain he's caused and just how much damage he did to my heart. I question everything now and it really sucks to feel like you were living a lie.

Logically my mind knows that our marriage wasn't perfect and that C changed into an ass a long time ago. I know that I'm happier without him breathing down my neck and I know most days I do enjoy being single. It's fun to flirt and talk with guys, it's fun to imagine what my future will be like now. But this damn heart of mine just hasn't caught up with the logic yet. All my heart knows is that when I have a bad day, he isn't there to cushion the blows anymore. He's not sleeping beside me every night to comfort me after a bad dream. He's not here to hold me or kiss me or tell me that I'm beautiful. Sometimes, it's just so very lonely.

I know tomorrow will be a better day. I know that I'm feeling overwhelmed because our divorce will be finalized this month. I know that I'll be ok and that my hope will return. I know that I have less bad days now than I did a month ago and that I'll have even less a month from now. Again, I just wish I had that fast forward button I mentioned. I just want to know that my happy ending is waiting and that it won't take too long to get here!

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