February 13, 2013

Valentine's day can suck it

There are so many times that I think to myself, "Hell yeah, I'm rocking this single shit!" and then there are so many times that I think, "Waah, where is a guy when I need one?!" I most often get overwhelmed when I'm faced with something C usually dealt with or when I have to make a major decision all on my own. It's hard to choose new tires, argue with mechanics, put together furniture and find the proper tools to do anything around the house. I'm learning though and that's the important thing, although it kinda makes me sad  that C isn't around to help. Plus, it seems like Valentine's day is mocking me this year. It's everywhere and it just plain sucks. I was never a big fan but this year, I absolutely loathe it. I'll be spending it visiting my Dad at the cemetery, baking with my niece and that night, I'll pick up some Italian food and watch movies in my room with a bottle of wine and a bunch of candy. Happy freaking single Valentine's day to me.

I miss him and I desperately wish I didn't. His dad came by today to bring me my mail, he's so sad about the divorce and says C won't hardly talk to him. He is really pushing everyone away and it's just sad. My 8 y/o nephew had a school assignment to draw a picture of someone he loves and list why. He chose C and it just broke my heart to see. SIL sent C a picture of it but he never responded, which pisses me off. I forget that other people are affected by our divorce and it sucks to inadvertently hurt our families. My nephew frequently mentions to me that nobody will ever replace C and that he loves and misses C so very much. It always makes me cry. It also makes me wish things were different.

I do feel happy most days and I do feel like divorce is what is best for us. I didn't want this at first but now I do. I just struggle so much with knowing after 13 years, we are truly over, it's very hard to let go. I also wish with every fiber of my being that nobody else was affected by this. I'm tired of my feelings about the divorce being all over the place. I'm tired of the constant flood of memories that are hitting me lately. I just wish things were different. I always knew divorce was hard but nobody tells you just how soul-crushing it truly is or how much it'll make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself and life. I mean, duh, it's clearly a game changer but never in my wildest dreams did I think it would change me so drastically. Or hurt my family or affect my close friends or hurt me so deeply, down to my core.

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