Denial

I spent so much of January feeling so done with C, I was mad and annoyed by him. I could barely stand to talk to him and most of the time, our conversations ended in ugly fights. I focused on my crush, KA, and convinced myself that my marriage was over. He barely crossed my mind most days to be honest. Imagine my confusion when as February went on, he popped into my mind more and more. I was so annoyed with myself and couldn't figure out why the hell I kept thinking about him.

Last weekend I escaped to Dallas to see one of my best friends. I really needed to get away and spend a couple of days laughing and drinking. This friend was one I met in AR, her boyfriend worked with C and the four of us were close, we hung out often. Being around her made me miss C so damn much and like a damn strike of lightning, it hit me that I am in no way over him. I can't believe I still love him after all that has happened and after all that has been said. It makes me so sad that we are over, I never imagined I would have to get over the guy I've loved since I was 16.

Even though there was nothing official between KA and me, I definitely put an end to whatever it was because it's just not fair to either of us for me to lead him on. Makes me sad that I was so convinced I had feelings for him when all I was doing was distracting myself. He is a great guy and he definitely got me through some dark moments, he is a charmer for sure. But, right now, I am a mess. A mess who is barely 5 months out of a 13 year relationship with the guy who I was so sure was the love of my life. I need time and to stop being so hard on myself for how up and down my feelings are. As much as I hate feeling this awful pain, the only way I can get through it is to actually feel every drop of heartache. I need to grieve the end of my marriage and let myself heal as much as I can.

We finalize any day now, a realization that makes my heart drop. I did toss my pride to the side and told him that I loved him and wanted to work it out but obviously, that isn't happening. Maybe it's for the better though. What does it say about me that I would take him back after all of this? Haven't I learned my own self-worth by now? Don't I think I deserve better? My mind screams all of these questions at me while my heart just whimpers for C. It's a bitch. I know I can get through this, I know brighter days are ahead and I do have hope that my future will be amazing. But, right now, in the depths of this dark ass trench, I just miss him and love him and wish desperately things were different.

Denial is a heartless bitch.