March 15, 2013

Working Woman

Yep, I officially stopped being a lady of leisure and got a job. An old friend of mine from high school introduced me to her boss and he hired me last week. He's paying me more than I thought I'd get since I have such little experience and it's just me and her in an office located in a warehouse full of men. It's pretty awesome! They buy us food and check me out enough to boost my ego, plus I get hit on over the phone a lot..haha! I really like the job and it feels so damn good to be productive.

I had a really rough couple of weeks recently. I was crying a lot, drinking a lot and was basically just being a hot damn mess. My siblings kicked my butt in gear and I haven't really drank or cried since then. I like to think it was rock bottom for me, a definite darkest before dawn situation. I've felt very different ever since and am grateful that the worst thing I did was puke all over my bathroom one night. The day after hitting rock bottom was both scary and exhilarating. I can only go up from here but sitting at the bottom, staring up at that big climb, just overwhelmed me but in a good way. A week after that was when I got the job. I like to think that was God giving me a pat on the back!

My feelings are complicated enough that I still get sad sometimes but they're also simple enough that I can see clearly. I know that probably makes no sense but it's how I feel. I miss him and love him but I am ok with all of this. I am at peace with this decision in a way I didn't think was possible. I absolutely love him and wish things were different but the reality is that we stopped being happy a long time ago. It just wasn't working between us even though we really wanted it to. I didn't like who I was and ever since we split, I like who I am again. I'm much nicer and laugh a lot more, things that used to bother me before just don't phase me now. I'm happy even though I'm sad, thank you Perks of Being a Wallflower for that brilliance! It's so true for me right now.

I am a different person than I was 5 months ago when he left and I know that I can't go back, not at this point. My biggest fear was losing him and yet, I survived. I'm still standing and I'm actually thriving. I see the world and my future in a way I haven't in a very long time. I had forgotten my dreams and my plans and now that I've found them again, the world is mine. I haven't felt this open to life since I graduated high school and stood on that edge of believing anything was possible if you had enough guts to chase it. It was a fresh start and I recognized that, embraced it. You don't get many chances in life to start fresh and even though this wasn't my choice and it's a choice that broke my heart, I am going to run with it.

I have the world before me and anything is possible. The best thing and worst thing he ever did for me was leave me. Worst for obvious reasons but the best because he showed me I could live without him. He gave me back to me, and that my friends, is the silver lining in this mess of heartache. I have hope and faith that the future holds great things for me and I have enough guts now to run after it.

I have a fire in me that is blazing after being just a flicker for so long.

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