It's funny to me how I'm able to convince myself of the most insane lies. It takes a really low point before I can see the truth through the lies I fill my head with. I've been avoiding my blog because it's easier than explaining how complicated and confusing my feelings are. I've been ignoring my divorce, which still isn't final, because it's easier than admitting my marriage is over. I avoid C, I avoid praying, I avoid my feelings and cling to my lies. My lies comfort me and allow me to wake up in the morning and face another day but then, even my lies start to crack and the feelings start to creep in and it's just too much to process. I then start to hate facing another day, another day of boredom and sadness and living with the fact that C doesn't love me anymore. But, I do it, I go to work, interact with my family and drink myself silly on the weekends with my friends. Drinking helps me feel something other than darkness and it does worry me but since I only drink on the weekends, I feel like I have it under control.
I miss C more than I can fully admit and it's a struggle every day to not call him. I still have a hard time believing this is actually happening, which makes me question my sanity. I tell myself that it's hard to accept because he's all I've known for 13 years and that of course I miss him but that one day, I'll get over him. I tell myself I have to move on so I flirt with guys and makeout with them in random bars. I laugh and joke and go shopping but nothing touches the hole inside me, nothing. It's just there, every day, reminding me of what I don't have anymore. It use to be ok and I'd have several good days, even weeks, but then it started getting bad more and more until every day is just bleak now. I feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water and it's the worst, most lonely feeling in the world.
I hate my depression and I ignore it for as long as I can because I just don't want to surrender to it, I don't want to feel the hopelessness or the emptiness or see just how dark the tunnel is becoming again. It's a terrible place to be in mentally, emotionally and spiritually. But ignoring it leads to me feeling like I'm sinking and like I'm barely staying afloat. So, it's back to the doctor to adjust medication and find a really great therapist. A huge part of my depression is the fact that Carlos fed my fantasy, the fantasy of lies I lived in to make my life bearable when the IF and my Dad was just too much reality for me to live in. It became exhausting for him to keep the fantasy alive and so our marriage failed. With the end of my marriage, came the end of my fantasy and living in reality is just too much for me. I see that and now I'm getting help because being severely depressed and just not wanting to exist anymore is no way to live.