June 9, 2013

Wild & Precious Life

It's amazing what adjusting your medication and therapy will do for a person. I feel better than I have in months and I'm doing really well. It feels damn good to have happiness and hope back in my life. I can't believe I let myself feel so bad for so long before getting help and I'm working to make sure I don't let that happen again.

It's only been 8 months since my split but it really feels like it's been much, much longer. I feel 100% different now than I did in October. I feel strong, healthy, happy and capable. I never thought I could live without him but look at me, living and shit. Not just living but thriving! My life feels full and complete, which is something that amazes me. During my marriage, especially the last couple of years, something felt like it was missing. I just assumed it was the infertility and my Dad's illness and eventual death causing me to feel that way. I never thought it was something with C and me but after the split, I was convinced it was C that caused my unhappiness.

It took me some time to realize that nothing was causing my unhappiness but myself. I desperately missed my family and moving back to TX filled a big part of that hole. I didn't realize just how much I needed them in my life and just how much being away from them played a part in my depression. Once I started working, I again realized that another part of my unhappiness was that I needed to be productive again. Reconnecting with my old friends also made me see that I needed that too, the friends who have known me since we were kids. I adore the friends I made in AR and they are still my very dear friends but there's just something about the friends who knew you when you were awkward and weird that just feels different.

I feel C's absence in many ways and of course I miss the guy. But now we're totally different people and we don't fit into each others lives anymore. Realizing that helped me a ton, realizing that only I was responsible for my happiness was the final missing piece. This is my life, my one wild and precious life and I get to choose how it plays out. I live for myself now and it feels damn good! The great thing about falling into a million pieces is that you get to choose which pieces you use to rebuild yourself. I am rebuilding myself into someone I actually like, someone who is happy. I am leaving the negative on the floor and walking away from it.

Losing C destroyed me but in the aftermath, I found myself. I finally feel like I'm on my on my way to living my best life, to being the best Amanda possible. I hate that my marriage is over and I still think C left in the shittiest way possible but he also gave me back to myself. He freed me. The two best things he ever did for me was marry me and leave me because both changed my life in profound ways and I am a better person for it.

Letting go and moving on have been the best, worst and most amazing experiences. Starting over is the hardest thing to do but I can't wait to share it all with you. I finally have dating adventures to share and wow, have I come across some interesting guys!

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