I knew from the first moment I set eyes on the Cowboy that he was going to be trouble. Or, rather, that I was in trouble. Totally my type with a beard, tattoos, piercings, and we have so much in common it's scary. The more time we spent together, the more obvious it became that he was different and that our relationship was something special. I have so much fun with him, even when we're just cuddling and watching tv. I love that he accepts me for exactly who I am and doesn't bat an eye at the qualities about me that drove C crazy. It's refreshing. So it should be no surprise that I fell in love with the Cowboy.
But it still surprises me that I feel this way. He said the words first, very accidentally one night when I was coughing like crazy. I said them about a week later, very much on purpose. At first, I kept thinking this was my rebound because it just had to be, right? I mean, he had to be my rebound because I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was having so much fun being a slut. But, here we are 8 months later and I no longer think he's a rebound. He's a surprise I wasn't planning on but he's the best surprise I never knew I wanted. I'm happy and it's a happy that I haven't felt in so very long.
That being said, I'm still unsure about ever getting married again and absolutely not in any rush. He's divorced too so he understands my feelings and isn't in any rush either. We just enjoy each other, say I love you often and don't worry too much about the future. Our relationship is in no way perfect but we talk through our issues and are on the same page about most things, so we seldom seriously disagree. It's nice and easy and not complicated. He's a breath of fresh air.
I've never been big into Valentine's Day but I'm excited this year. I've never been a sappy girl but oh man does this guy bring out my inner girly girl. He's a hopeless romantic and I'm very much enjoying that. I wish I could go back to the broken Amanda I was a year ago and tell her to keep her head up because the future will be so worth all the anguish and pain. I'd tell her to cling to her hope because hope never fails.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
February 12, 2014
September 24, 2013
The Cowboy meets IF
When XH and I split up, I realized pretty quickly that it meant I would need some kind of birth control. That realization made my head spin...and my heart hurt. Granted my PCOS means I'm not exactly fertile myrtle, but I knew I didn't want to chance getting pregnant from a random if the condom broke. I have a super awesome gyno and when I got the full panel of STD testing (thanks XH for the cheating!) she made sure to emphasize that an IUD was my only option due to my various health problems. It took me a couple of months to let that sink in and to fully commit, but I got one inserted in May. Less than a week later, I also nailed my first post-divorce conquest but I digress. So, it's been interesting knowing that I, the woman who dealt with IF for 4 years, is now on birth control. But, because I was so busy being a whore, IF never really crossed my mind.
Then I met the Cowboy and along with that came the questions about why I'm 30 and child-free. I gave him a breezy answer at first, telling him that we tried but it didn't quite work out for us, that it was complicated. After we started getting more serious, I went more in depth about the details. I briefly educated him on azoo, IVF with ICSI, PCOS, and all the other crap. I touched lightly on the devastation and admitted that IF played a part in our marriage's destruction. He's a really sensitive guy so he knows it's a very touchy subject and he tries to avoid bringing it up but he does ask questions. He made it clear that he wanted children one day and told me that his ex-wife had two miscarriages during their marriage. My heart broke for him when he told me that. Heavy subjects for a 3 month old relationship but I'm 30 and he's almost 34 so I guess this is how it goes.
A couple of weeks ago, I commented on how sore my boobs were and a couple of days later, beer started tasting really weird to me. The Cowboy jokingly asked me if I was pregnant and seeing the look on my face, he quickly changed the subject. But, the look on my face wasn't one of IF related hurt, it was a look of terror as I realized I was indeed late. Cue the tears and a major freakout, which the Cowboy handled quite well, I must admit. He wanted me to POAS immediately but I knew better, my IF taught me well and I knew that my period would come just by us talking about it. Plus, I have an IUD, I'm covered on that front, right? Cue the frantic googling and more freak outs as I read about woman getting KU with an IUD. After dragging my feet for a few days, I gave in and bought a damn PG test, against my better judgment.
Seeing that BFN didn't hurt any less, if anything, it actually hurt more. I was that devastated IF'er all over again, wondering if I'd ever see a plus sign. Never-mind that a pregnancy scare with a brand new BF isn't the ideal situation, I was heartbroken. And, per the usual IF luck, my period showed up the next fucking day. I cried even more. The Cowboy was so sweet and never once pointed out how new our relationship is; didn't blink an eye that I was freaking out about possibly being pregnant, considering it would be by a man I have known 3 months. He just held me and told me goofy jokes.
The rational, logical part of me knows that it's better for me to not be pregnant but the woman who dealt with so much IF related pain, just ached. The pain of seeing a BFN, combined with the mess of emotions I was feeling by possibly being pregnant by a man who isn't XH, plus the hope I let myself feel, however briefly, just hit me like a tidal wave. I had a very bad week last week. I was angry, sad, confused, relieved, disappointed and just all around a huge emotional mess. The experience also meant that the Cowboy and I had several long talks about the emotional aspect of IF and the toll it took on both myself and XH. These talks involved a lot of tears and heavy emotions, talking about it just made the already open wounds more raw. It was so hard to dive back into those feelings, to explain how it felt to be told C was sterile, how it hurt to be around pregnant ladies and how much Mother's and Father's Day just sucked. This whole ordeal made me realize that IF will always cast a shadow over my life. It jades so much now and whoever I do decide to have children with, is going to have to be ok with knowing that these IF scars bleed easily when poked. He's going to have to be very understanding about me carrying this huge pain from my first marriage. A pain that will affect not only me, but us, once we decide to try for a baby. I know now that any man I get serious with will have to be introduced to IF at some point. It was damn hard to open up about it to the Cowboy, to show him to the deep cuts IF made. I was so scared he'd just run as fast as he could in the other direction, especially since we were dealing with such serious stuff as quickly as we were. But, he's a great guy and it hasn't really phased him. He's just as sweet as always.
I really questioned writing this post, because I know IF is such an emotional topic for so many of us. And I knew an accidental pregnancy would be the last thing any of you still in those fucking trenches would want to read about. I sincerely hope you believe that my intention was to just be brutally honest with all of you about my life post-divorce. So many of us have dealt with IF but I haven't come across many blogs of IF'ers learning how to navigate life after their marriage crumbled. I just want to be honest with all of you and show you how I am handling starting over and all the complications that pop up. Also, please know that I still see life from my IF view. It just got buried by my divorce until now. I thought that perhaps that part of my life was behind me but, nope, IF still has her damn claws in me. It's just different now, without XH, but it's still there and it still hurts like a bitch.
Then I met the Cowboy and along with that came the questions about why I'm 30 and child-free. I gave him a breezy answer at first, telling him that we tried but it didn't quite work out for us, that it was complicated. After we started getting more serious, I went more in depth about the details. I briefly educated him on azoo, IVF with ICSI, PCOS, and all the other crap. I touched lightly on the devastation and admitted that IF played a part in our marriage's destruction. He's a really sensitive guy so he knows it's a very touchy subject and he tries to avoid bringing it up but he does ask questions. He made it clear that he wanted children one day and told me that his ex-wife had two miscarriages during their marriage. My heart broke for him when he told me that. Heavy subjects for a 3 month old relationship but I'm 30 and he's almost 34 so I guess this is how it goes.
A couple of weeks ago, I commented on how sore my boobs were and a couple of days later, beer started tasting really weird to me. The Cowboy jokingly asked me if I was pregnant and seeing the look on my face, he quickly changed the subject. But, the look on my face wasn't one of IF related hurt, it was a look of terror as I realized I was indeed late. Cue the tears and a major freakout, which the Cowboy handled quite well, I must admit. He wanted me to POAS immediately but I knew better, my IF taught me well and I knew that my period would come just by us talking about it. Plus, I have an IUD, I'm covered on that front, right? Cue the frantic googling and more freak outs as I read about woman getting KU with an IUD. After dragging my feet for a few days, I gave in and bought a damn PG test, against my better judgment.
Seeing that BFN didn't hurt any less, if anything, it actually hurt more. I was that devastated IF'er all over again, wondering if I'd ever see a plus sign. Never-mind that a pregnancy scare with a brand new BF isn't the ideal situation, I was heartbroken. And, per the usual IF luck, my period showed up the next fucking day. I cried even more. The Cowboy was so sweet and never once pointed out how new our relationship is; didn't blink an eye that I was freaking out about possibly being pregnant, considering it would be by a man I have known 3 months. He just held me and told me goofy jokes.
The rational, logical part of me knows that it's better for me to not be pregnant but the woman who dealt with so much IF related pain, just ached. The pain of seeing a BFN, combined with the mess of emotions I was feeling by possibly being pregnant by a man who isn't XH, plus the hope I let myself feel, however briefly, just hit me like a tidal wave. I had a very bad week last week. I was angry, sad, confused, relieved, disappointed and just all around a huge emotional mess. The experience also meant that the Cowboy and I had several long talks about the emotional aspect of IF and the toll it took on both myself and XH. These talks involved a lot of tears and heavy emotions, talking about it just made the already open wounds more raw. It was so hard to dive back into those feelings, to explain how it felt to be told C was sterile, how it hurt to be around pregnant ladies and how much Mother's and Father's Day just sucked. This whole ordeal made me realize that IF will always cast a shadow over my life. It jades so much now and whoever I do decide to have children with, is going to have to be ok with knowing that these IF scars bleed easily when poked. He's going to have to be very understanding about me carrying this huge pain from my first marriage. A pain that will affect not only me, but us, once we decide to try for a baby. I know now that any man I get serious with will have to be introduced to IF at some point. It was damn hard to open up about it to the Cowboy, to show him to the deep cuts IF made. I was so scared he'd just run as fast as he could in the other direction, especially since we were dealing with such serious stuff as quickly as we were. But, he's a great guy and it hasn't really phased him. He's just as sweet as always.
I really questioned writing this post, because I know IF is such an emotional topic for so many of us. And I knew an accidental pregnancy would be the last thing any of you still in those fucking trenches would want to read about. I sincerely hope you believe that my intention was to just be brutally honest with all of you about my life post-divorce. So many of us have dealt with IF but I haven't come across many blogs of IF'ers learning how to navigate life after their marriage crumbled. I just want to be honest with all of you and show you how I am handling starting over and all the complications that pop up. Also, please know that I still see life from my IF view. It just got buried by my divorce until now. I thought that perhaps that part of my life was behind me but, nope, IF still has her damn claws in me. It's just different now, without XH, but it's still there and it still hurts like a bitch.
August 27, 2013
The Cowboy aka the boyfriend
I've had the most incredible Summer. No joke, people, it's been fabulous. I've spent the past few weeks having fun with the Cowboy. The zoo, the museum, the beach, the mall, arcades, movies, dinner with friends and plenty of drinks at a bar we love near his place. The connection between us just exploded and this man is just what I want. Our dates are always fun and different; we ended up swinging on swings at his old elementary school after dinner one evening. I was giggling like crazy because he stopped my swing and gave me the sweetest kiss when I heard a lady across the playground laughing, looked up to see her grinning at us acting like teenage fools. We both blushed!
Our beach date was so romantic. We went just before sunset to ride the rides on our "boardwalk" in Gal.veston and rode every ride, I screamed like a little girl on most of them! After dinner, we walked on the beach holding hands and of course, there was a full moon to light our way. We ended up driving away from the more populated area and finding an abandoned beach, where we sat in the sand listening to music and talking. We ended up in the water (only ankle deep) and splashed around in just our undies. No hanky panky because there were houses not too far away! We ended up back at my place around 2am, exhausted but just so happy.
I love sitting in a bar with him, we flirt and play pool or darts, which I'm awful at but it's still so fun! He's constantly singing along with the music and dancing around, just so oblivious to anyone else. He's having fun and it shows, which makes me join in and laugh my ass off. He's definitely going through life dancing to music only he can hear but I dig that because it's how I strive to live my life too.
He's the most wonderful addition to my life. He's reminded me of what it feels like to truly have fun. I was having a blast before him but this kind of fun feels so different and oh so good! He woke me up to what exactly I wasn't doing and that was truly and honestly letting go of the past. He makes me feel young again and that is just fabulous. Oh and the sex is mind-blowing. I'd give more details but I'm a lady and much too sober for that!
I have a boyfriend and he's incredible. This is the most surprising turn of events but I'm very grateful that he's in my life. I can't wait to see what lies ahead in this crazy new adventure I'm on!
Our beach date was so romantic. We went just before sunset to ride the rides on our "boardwalk" in Gal.veston and rode every ride, I screamed like a little girl on most of them! After dinner, we walked on the beach holding hands and of course, there was a full moon to light our way. We ended up driving away from the more populated area and finding an abandoned beach, where we sat in the sand listening to music and talking. We ended up in the water (only ankle deep) and splashed around in just our undies. No hanky panky because there were houses not too far away! We ended up back at my place around 2am, exhausted but just so happy.
I love sitting in a bar with him, we flirt and play pool or darts, which I'm awful at but it's still so fun! He's constantly singing along with the music and dancing around, just so oblivious to anyone else. He's having fun and it shows, which makes me join in and laugh my ass off. He's definitely going through life dancing to music only he can hear but I dig that because it's how I strive to live my life too.
He's the most wonderful addition to my life. He's reminded me of what it feels like to truly have fun. I was having a blast before him but this kind of fun feels so different and oh so good! He woke me up to what exactly I wasn't doing and that was truly and honestly letting go of the past. He makes me feel young again and that is just fabulous. Oh and the sex is mind-blowing. I'd give more details but I'm a lady and much too sober for that!
I have a boyfriend and he's incredible. This is the most surprising turn of events but I'm very grateful that he's in my life. I can't wait to see what lies ahead in this crazy new adventure I'm on!
July 10, 2013
The Game Changer
I was perfectly content to whore my little heart out and was having quite a lot of fun doing just that. Then, I randomly checked out on a guy on OKC and to my surprise, we rated each other at exactly the same time, which led to us messaging each other. I immediately told my co-worker that he was a game changer but I laughed about it bc I wasn't interested in anything serious, at all.
Fast forward 3 weeks and yeah, I'm seeing him. I call him the Cowboy and he is pretty damn awesome. We have so much in common and we make each other just laugh and laugh! He's divorced, no kids, and works with animals, which makes me swoon! Oh, he's also a singer and I adore hearing him sing, it makes me swoon even more. Our dates are always unpredictable, our first was to the zoo and we ended up spending the entire day together. We just couldn't stop talking! He is the sweetest kisser and the sparks are amazing between us.
He lives about 35 minutes away so we don't see each other a whole lot but squeeze time in whenever we can. I spent the holiday weekend with him and that was so much fun! He is so different from C in almost every way and it's so nice being around him bc it's just so easy with him. He's pretty laidback and it's cool to have so many shared interests with someone. I really like him and I'm excited to see where this goes but I'm not over-thinking it. I just focus on today and don't think about the future much, that is just borrowing trouble, IMO
The truly wonderful part is that I had just realized how great my life is, how full and complete it is. I had just told my sister that I had realized I made my own life amazing, without a guy, and that a guy would just be the cherry on top my cake. I didn't, and don't, need a man to define me or complete me or make me happy. That's when the Cowboy entered my life, such perfect timing. And it still holds true, my life is fucking fantastic, the Cowboy is just the cherry on top.
Fast forward 3 weeks and yeah, I'm seeing him. I call him the Cowboy and he is pretty damn awesome. We have so much in common and we make each other just laugh and laugh! He's divorced, no kids, and works with animals, which makes me swoon! Oh, he's also a singer and I adore hearing him sing, it makes me swoon even more. Our dates are always unpredictable, our first was to the zoo and we ended up spending the entire day together. We just couldn't stop talking! He is the sweetest kisser and the sparks are amazing between us.
He lives about 35 minutes away so we don't see each other a whole lot but squeeze time in whenever we can. I spent the holiday weekend with him and that was so much fun! He is so different from C in almost every way and it's so nice being around him bc it's just so easy with him. He's pretty laidback and it's cool to have so many shared interests with someone. I really like him and I'm excited to see where this goes but I'm not over-thinking it. I just focus on today and don't think about the future much, that is just borrowing trouble, IMO
The truly wonderful part is that I had just realized how great my life is, how full and complete it is. I had just told my sister that I had realized I made my own life amazing, without a guy, and that a guy would just be the cherry on top my cake. I didn't, and don't, need a man to define me or complete me or make me happy. That's when the Cowboy entered my life, such perfect timing. And it still holds true, my life is fucking fantastic, the Cowboy is just the cherry on top.
June 9, 2013
Wild & Precious Life
It's amazing what adjusting your medication and therapy will do for a person. I feel better than I have in months and I'm doing really well. It feels damn good to have happiness and hope back in my life. I can't believe I let myself feel so bad for so long before getting help and I'm working to make sure I don't let that happen again.
It's only been 8 months since my split but it really feels like it's been much, much longer. I feel 100% different now than I did in October. I feel strong, healthy, happy and capable. I never thought I could live without him but look at me, living and shit. Not just living but thriving! My life feels full and complete, which is something that amazes me. During my marriage, especially the last couple of years, something felt like it was missing. I just assumed it was the infertility and my Dad's illness and eventual death causing me to feel that way. I never thought it was something with C and me but after the split, I was convinced it was C that caused my unhappiness.
It took me some time to realize that nothing was causing my unhappiness but myself. I desperately missed my family and moving back to TX filled a big part of that hole. I didn't realize just how much I needed them in my life and just how much being away from them played a part in my depression. Once I started working, I again realized that another part of my unhappiness was that I needed to be productive again. Reconnecting with my old friends also made me see that I needed that too, the friends who have known me since we were kids. I adore the friends I made in AR and they are still my very dear friends but there's just something about the friends who knew you when you were awkward and weird that just feels different.
I feel C's absence in many ways and of course I miss the guy. But now we're totally different people and we don't fit into each others lives anymore. Realizing that helped me a ton, realizing that only I was responsible for my happiness was the final missing piece. This is my life, my one wild and precious life and I get to choose how it plays out. I live for myself now and it feels damn good! The great thing about falling into a million pieces is that you get to choose which pieces you use to rebuild yourself. I am rebuilding myself into someone I actually like, someone who is happy. I am leaving the negative on the floor and walking away from it.
Losing C destroyed me but in the aftermath, I found myself. I finally feel like I'm on my on my way to living my best life, to being the best Amanda possible. I hate that my marriage is over and I still think C left in the shittiest way possible but he also gave me back to myself. He freed me. The two best things he ever did for me was marry me and leave me because both changed my life in profound ways and I am a better person for it.
Letting go and moving on have been the best, worst and most amazing experiences. Starting over is the hardest thing to do but I can't wait to share it all with you. I finally have dating adventures to share and wow, have I come across some interesting guys!
It's only been 8 months since my split but it really feels like it's been much, much longer. I feel 100% different now than I did in October. I feel strong, healthy, happy and capable. I never thought I could live without him but look at me, living and shit. Not just living but thriving! My life feels full and complete, which is something that amazes me. During my marriage, especially the last couple of years, something felt like it was missing. I just assumed it was the infertility and my Dad's illness and eventual death causing me to feel that way. I never thought it was something with C and me but after the split, I was convinced it was C that caused my unhappiness.
It took me some time to realize that nothing was causing my unhappiness but myself. I desperately missed my family and moving back to TX filled a big part of that hole. I didn't realize just how much I needed them in my life and just how much being away from them played a part in my depression. Once I started working, I again realized that another part of my unhappiness was that I needed to be productive again. Reconnecting with my old friends also made me see that I needed that too, the friends who have known me since we were kids. I adore the friends I made in AR and they are still my very dear friends but there's just something about the friends who knew you when you were awkward and weird that just feels different.
I feel C's absence in many ways and of course I miss the guy. But now we're totally different people and we don't fit into each others lives anymore. Realizing that helped me a ton, realizing that only I was responsible for my happiness was the final missing piece. This is my life, my one wild and precious life and I get to choose how it plays out. I live for myself now and it feels damn good! The great thing about falling into a million pieces is that you get to choose which pieces you use to rebuild yourself. I am rebuilding myself into someone I actually like, someone who is happy. I am leaving the negative on the floor and walking away from it.
Losing C destroyed me but in the aftermath, I found myself. I finally feel like I'm on my on my way to living my best life, to being the best Amanda possible. I hate that my marriage is over and I still think C left in the shittiest way possible but he also gave me back to myself. He freed me. The two best things he ever did for me was marry me and leave me because both changed my life in profound ways and I am a better person for it.
Letting go and moving on have been the best, worst and most amazing experiences. Starting over is the hardest thing to do but I can't wait to share it all with you. I finally have dating adventures to share and wow, have I come across some interesting guys!
January 15, 2013
Let go
Letting go and accepting the end of my marriage has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders! I am smiling again, laughing, watching sappy movies and can listen to love songs without immediately thinking of C. I feel like me again and for the first time in 3 months, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am happy and it feels damn good.
I make sure to take care of myself and I have learned my limits and don't push them. I avoid the triggers and somehow manage my grief over my failed marriage. Sometimes the oddest thing will trigger something unexpectedly and I'll feel the sting and maybe shed a tear or two but it's happening less and less. I have surrounded myself with the most amazing and supportive people, they are a source of great comfort to me. I'm very blessed!
I joined two dating sites and so far it hasn't been great. The strangest guys contact me or just straight up ask if I'm interested in just sex with them. I'm not totally ready to date so I'm not too bummed about turning them down! But, I do have a crush! Let's call him KA, short for kool aid, because he has the biggest kool aid grin that will just make you melt. He's incredibly sweet and very funny. KA sends me the best texts and never fails to cheer me up. He doesn't live near me so dating isn't really an option but it's nice to have a crush that is so safe, KWIM? He's safe because I can crush from afar and not have to act on anything before I'm truly ready.
I haven't really dealt with C in a while, last time we talked we ended up fighting so we agreed it's best to not contact each other. He's trying to push the finalization to March rather than February and I'm fighting that. I just want this to be over and done so I can move on and not look back. I just can't truly move on until it's final, I need that divorce decree and I want to take my maiden name back asap. The divorce decree is necessary for my peace of mind but in my heart, I honestly don't feel married to him anymore.
I'm sorry C and I came to this end but I'm glad that this is just the beginning of something even greater for me.
I make sure to take care of myself and I have learned my limits and don't push them. I avoid the triggers and somehow manage my grief over my failed marriage. Sometimes the oddest thing will trigger something unexpectedly and I'll feel the sting and maybe shed a tear or two but it's happening less and less. I have surrounded myself with the most amazing and supportive people, they are a source of great comfort to me. I'm very blessed!
I joined two dating sites and so far it hasn't been great. The strangest guys contact me or just straight up ask if I'm interested in just sex with them. I'm not totally ready to date so I'm not too bummed about turning them down! But, I do have a crush! Let's call him KA, short for kool aid, because he has the biggest kool aid grin that will just make you melt. He's incredibly sweet and very funny. KA sends me the best texts and never fails to cheer me up. He doesn't live near me so dating isn't really an option but it's nice to have a crush that is so safe, KWIM? He's safe because I can crush from afar and not have to act on anything before I'm truly ready.
I haven't really dealt with C in a while, last time we talked we ended up fighting so we agreed it's best to not contact each other. He's trying to push the finalization to March rather than February and I'm fighting that. I just want this to be over and done so I can move on and not look back. I just can't truly move on until it's final, I need that divorce decree and I want to take my maiden name back asap. The divorce decree is necessary for my peace of mind but in my heart, I honestly don't feel married to him anymore.
I'm sorry C and I came to this end but I'm glad that this is just the beginning of something even greater for me.
December 28, 2012
dating and all that jazz
My first Christmas without C was much harder than I thought it would be. I was fine Christmas Eve, had a blast with my family. But Christmas Day was just awful and I was so sad. I made myself not call or text him and that was so damn hard. I did send him an email just before midnight but all it said was Merry Christmas and that I was sending him my love. He, of course, didn't contact me so that should tell me everything, shouldn't it? I'm a damn fool and need to move on with my life. I've been going out a lot with friends and that has been fun. I met a guy about a month ago and he was very persistent about taking me on a date but in the end, I turned him down. He is only 24 and I just wasn't ready, I don't know, the age thing shouldn't be a factor but I felt like we were just too different.
So, no dating just yet. I'm torn on being ready or not and everyone in my life either thinks it's too soon or that I should immediately get laid. I think I'm content being by myself so I'm not actively trying to meet anyone but if I do, then that's fine. I did have drinks with friends recently and one of them brought their single guy friend who was cute. We flirted, which was nice, but nothing came of it. After being all worried about knowing how to flirt, I slipped right into it. Think it helps that I had a good buzz going! I ended up getting drunk and my guy BFF had to drive me home. Guy BFF is R and he's awesome, known him since we were little high school sophomores and he's been amazing and supportive. R knows how to make me feel wonderful and says all the right things, he's a bit of a man-whore but I adore him. We never dated or hooked up but I think there is definite potential for a friends with benefits thing later on.
Being single is a whole new world and sometimes, it really, really sucks but other times, I'm having so much fun! I like going out and getting drinks with friends without the thought of C in the back of my mind. It's nice to not constantly be worried about him or thinking about him. I'm free and as scary as that is, it's also kinda nice. My future is wide open and the possibilities are endless. Sometimes that can overwhelm me but there are times that the sadness lifts just enough for me to see clearly and that's when I feel the strongest. Like maybe I can do this, maybe I can let C go and move on with my life. Maybe I can accept the divorce. Maybe it is the right thing.
Or maybe I'm an idiot trying to talk myself into being ok with this mess. Time will tell.
So, no dating just yet. I'm torn on being ready or not and everyone in my life either thinks it's too soon or that I should immediately get laid. I think I'm content being by myself so I'm not actively trying to meet anyone but if I do, then that's fine. I did have drinks with friends recently and one of them brought their single guy friend who was cute. We flirted, which was nice, but nothing came of it. After being all worried about knowing how to flirt, I slipped right into it. Think it helps that I had a good buzz going! I ended up getting drunk and my guy BFF had to drive me home. Guy BFF is R and he's awesome, known him since we were little high school sophomores and he's been amazing and supportive. R knows how to make me feel wonderful and says all the right things, he's a bit of a man-whore but I adore him. We never dated or hooked up but I think there is definite potential for a friends with benefits thing later on.
Being single is a whole new world and sometimes, it really, really sucks but other times, I'm having so much fun! I like going out and getting drinks with friends without the thought of C in the back of my mind. It's nice to not constantly be worried about him or thinking about him. I'm free and as scary as that is, it's also kinda nice. My future is wide open and the possibilities are endless. Sometimes that can overwhelm me but there are times that the sadness lifts just enough for me to see clearly and that's when I feel the strongest. Like maybe I can do this, maybe I can let C go and move on with my life. Maybe I can accept the divorce. Maybe it is the right thing.
Or maybe I'm an idiot trying to talk myself into being ok with this mess. Time will tell.
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