dating and all that jazz

My first Christmas without C was much harder than I thought it would be. I was fine Christmas Eve, had a blast with my family. But Christmas Day was just awful and I was so sad. I made myself not call or text him and that was so damn hard. I did send him an email just before midnight but all it said was Merry Christmas and that I was sending him my love. He, of course, didn't contact me so that should tell me everything, shouldn't it? I'm a damn fool and need to move on with my life. I've been going out a lot with friends and that has been fun. I met a guy about a month ago and he was very persistent about taking me on a date but in the end, I turned him down. He is only 24 and I just wasn't ready, I don't know, the age thing shouldn't be a factor but I felt like we were just too different.

So, no dating just yet. I'm torn on being ready or not and everyone in my life either thinks it's too soon or that I should immediately get laid. I think I'm content being by myself so I'm not actively trying to meet anyone but if I do, then that's fine. I did have drinks with friends recently and one of them brought their single guy friend who was cute. We flirted, which was nice, but nothing came of it. After being all worried about knowing how to flirt, I slipped right into it. Think it helps that I had a good buzz going! I ended up getting drunk and my guy BFF had to drive me home. Guy BFF is R and he's awesome, known him since we were little high school sophomores and he's been amazing and supportive. R knows how to make me feel wonderful and says all the right things, he's a bit of a man-whore but I adore him. We never dated or hooked up but I think there is definite potential for a friends with benefits thing later on.

Being single is a whole new world and sometimes, it really, really sucks but other times, I'm having so much fun! I like going out and getting drinks with friends without the thought of C in the back of my mind. It's nice to not constantly be worried about him or thinking about him. I'm free and as scary as that is, it's also kinda nice. My future is wide open and the possibilities are endless. Sometimes that can overwhelm me but there are times that the sadness lifts just enough for me to see clearly and that's when I feel the strongest. Like maybe I can do this, maybe I can let C go and move on with my life. Maybe I can accept the divorce. Maybe it is the right thing.

Or maybe I'm an idiot trying to talk myself into being ok with this mess. Time will tell.