My feelings are all over the place these days and like most complicated things, divorce is such an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I'm depressed and sometimes I hate his damn guts and enjoy being single. I spend a vast majority of my time being pissed at him. It swings back and forth between love and hate so easily that it confuses me. It leaves me in awe that I once loved this person with everything in me and now I just don't know how I feel. SATC said it best, "If you love someone and break up, where does the love go?" and I really wonder where it all went. Is it hiding? Did it disappear? Will it ever return? Do I want it to? So many emotions and so many feelings, it's exhausting.
Loneliness is my biggest problem though and it's what keeps me from my bed until I am sure I can fall right to sleep. I miss cuddling with someone and watching tv and making dinner together. I miss talking about our day and really I just miss sharing my life with someone, I miss my best friend. Our bed seems so huge now and sometimes memories of how it used to be make me so restless that I hop in my car and drive around. It's the damnedest feeling.
It's the oddest thing to be single again at 29. Not sure how to date and I can't remember what flirting is like or how to do it. Totally clueless about sex with someone other than C and honestly the thought terrifies me. I've never been with another man, C was my first. Out of everything that messes with my mind, the thing that hurts the most is the whole baby thing. C would be a great father but probably won't get the chance and now I have the chance. I can get pregnant and that really fucks with my mind.
It all messes with me and I hate it all. Damn him for walking away, damn him.