December 20, 2012

Roller Coaster

 My feelings are all over the place these days and like most complicated things, divorce is such an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I'm depressed and sometimes I hate his damn guts and enjoy being single. I spend a vast majority of my time being pissed at him. It swings back and forth between love and hate so easily that it confuses me. It leaves me in awe that I once loved this person with everything in me and now I just don't know how I feel. SATC said it best, "If you love someone and break up, where does the love go?" and I really wonder where it all went. Is it hiding? Did it disappear? Will it ever return? Do I want it to? So many emotions and so many feelings, it's exhausting.

Loneliness is my biggest problem though and it's what keeps me from my bed until I am sure I can fall right to sleep. I miss cuddling with someone and watching tv and making dinner together. I miss talking about our day and really I just miss sharing my life with someone, I miss my best friend. Our bed seems so huge now and sometimes memories of how it used to be make me so restless that I hop in my car and drive around. It's the damnedest feeling.

It's the oddest thing to be single again at 29. Not sure how to date and I can't remember what flirting is like or how to do it. Totally clueless about sex with someone other than C and honestly the thought terrifies me. I've never been with another man, C was my first. Out of everything that messes with my mind, the thing that hurts the most is the whole baby thing. C would be a great father but probably won't get the chance and now I have the chance. I can get pregnant and that really fucks with my mind.

It all messes with me and I hate it all. Damn him for walking away, damn him.


  1. I totally understand this. I think the love kind of leaves when you stop fighting for the same shared goals. The loneliness is hard and I find it difficult to settle myself at night in my apartment. I have no answers for you, just that it is part of the process, I think we come out better for having gone through it.
    As far as dating, you will know when you are ready. I was with E for 10 years, it was totally and completely weird when I kissed another man for the first time.

  2. Sending you hugs. I would try to embrace that fact that your dream may be able to come true even though it wasn't your initial plan and it may be far off. Maybe all things really do happen for a reason.

  3. I really like the comment above mine-that your dream may be able to come true now and to embrace it. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. To me, you sound strong and that you are doing okay.