When XH and I split up, I realized pretty quickly that it meant I would need some kind of birth control. That realization made my head spin...and my heart hurt. Granted my PCOS means I'm not exactly fertile myrtle, but I knew I didn't want to chance getting pregnant from a random if the condom broke. I have a super awesome gyno and when I got the full panel of STD testing (thanks XH for the cheating!) she made sure to emphasize that an IUD was my only option due to my various health problems. It took me a couple of months to let that sink in and to fully commit, but I got one inserted in May. Less than a week later, I also nailed my first post-divorce conquest but I digress. So, it's been interesting knowing that I, the woman who dealt with IF for 4 years, is now on birth control. But, because I was so busy being a whore, IF never really crossed my mind.
Then I met the Cowboy and along with that came the questions about why I'm 30 and child-free. I gave him a breezy answer at first, telling him that we tried but it didn't quite work out for us, that it was complicated. After we started getting more serious, I went more in depth about the details. I briefly educated him on azoo, IVF with ICSI, PCOS, and all the other crap. I touched lightly on the devastation and admitted that IF played a part in our marriage's destruction. He's a really sensitive guy so he knows it's a very touchy subject and he tries to avoid bringing it up but he does ask questions. He made it clear that he wanted children one day and told me that his ex-wife had two miscarriages during their marriage. My heart broke for him when he told me that. Heavy subjects for a 3 month old relationship but I'm 30 and he's almost 34 so I guess this is how it goes.
A couple of weeks ago, I commented on how sore my boobs were and a couple of days later, beer started tasting really weird to me. The Cowboy jokingly asked me if I was pregnant and seeing the look on my face, he quickly changed the subject. But, the look on my face wasn't one of IF related hurt, it was a look of terror as I realized I was indeed late. Cue the tears and a major freakout, which the Cowboy handled quite well, I must admit. He wanted me to POAS immediately but I knew better, my IF taught me well and I knew that my period would come just by us talking about it. Plus, I have an IUD, I'm covered on that front, right? Cue the frantic googling and more freak outs as I read about woman getting KU with an IUD. After dragging my feet for a few days, I gave in and bought a damn PG test, against my better judgment.
Seeing that BFN didn't hurt any less, if anything, it actually hurt more. I was that devastated IF'er all over again, wondering if I'd ever see a plus sign. Never-mind that a pregnancy scare with a brand new BF isn't the ideal situation, I was heartbroken. And, per the usual IF luck, my period showed up the next fucking day. I cried even more. The Cowboy was so sweet and never once pointed out how new our relationship is; didn't blink an eye that I was freaking out about possibly being pregnant, considering it would be by a man I have known 3 months. He just held me and told me goofy jokes.
The rational, logical part of me knows that it's better for me to not be pregnant but the woman who dealt with so much IF related pain, just ached. The pain of seeing a BFN, combined with the mess of emotions I was feeling by possibly being pregnant by a man who isn't XH, plus the hope I let myself feel, however briefly, just hit me like a tidal wave. I had a very bad week last week. I was angry, sad, confused, relieved, disappointed and just all around a huge emotional mess. The experience also meant that the Cowboy and I had several long talks about the emotional aspect of IF and the toll it took on both myself and XH. These talks involved a lot of tears and heavy emotions, talking about it just made the already open wounds more raw. It was so hard to dive back into those feelings, to explain how it felt to be told C was sterile, how it hurt to be around pregnant ladies and how much Mother's and Father's Day just sucked. This whole ordeal made me realize that IF will always cast a shadow over my life. It jades so much now and whoever I do decide to have children with, is going to have to be ok with knowing that these IF scars bleed easily when poked. He's going to have to be very understanding about me carrying this huge pain from my first marriage. A pain that will affect not only me, but us, once we decide to try for a baby. I know now that any man I get serious with will have to be introduced to IF at some point. It was damn hard to open up about it to the Cowboy, to show him to the deep cuts IF made. I was so scared he'd just run as fast as he could in the other direction, especially since we were dealing with such serious stuff as quickly as we were. But, he's a great guy and it hasn't really phased him. He's just as sweet as always.
I really questioned writing this post, because I know IF is such an emotional topic for so many of us. And I knew an accidental pregnancy would be the last thing any of you still in those fucking trenches would want to read about. I sincerely hope you believe that my intention was to just be brutally honest with all of you about my life post-divorce. So many of us have dealt with IF but I haven't come across many blogs of IF'ers learning how to navigate life after their marriage crumbled. I just want to be honest with all of you and show you how I am handling starting over and all the complications that pop up. Also, please know that I still see life from my IF view. It just got buried by my divorce until now. I thought that perhaps that part of my life was behind me but, nope, IF still has her damn claws in me. It's just different now, without XH, but it's still there and it still hurts like a bitch.