January 15, 2013

Let go

Letting go and accepting the end of my marriage has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders! I am smiling again, laughing, watching sappy movies and can listen to love songs without immediately thinking of C. I feel like me again and for the first time in 3 months, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am happy and it feels damn good.

I make sure to take care of myself and I have learned my limits and don't push them. I avoid the triggers and somehow manage my grief over my failed marriage. Sometimes the oddest thing will trigger something unexpectedly and I'll feel the sting and maybe shed a tear or two but it's happening less and less. I have surrounded myself with the most amazing and supportive people, they are a source of great comfort to me. I'm very blessed!

I joined two dating sites and so far it hasn't been great. The strangest guys contact me or just straight up ask if I'm interested in just sex with them. I'm not totally ready to date so I'm not too bummed about turning them down! But, I do have a crush! Let's call him KA, short for kool aid, because he has the biggest kool aid grin that will just make you melt. He's incredibly sweet and very funny. KA sends me the best texts and never fails to cheer me up. He doesn't live near me so dating isn't really an option but it's nice to have a crush that is so safe, KWIM? He's safe because I can crush from afar and not have to act on anything before I'm truly ready.

I haven't really dealt with C in a while, last time we talked we ended up fighting so we agreed it's best to not contact each other. He's trying to push the finalization to March rather than February and I'm fighting that. I just want this to be over and done so I can move on and not look back. I just can't truly move on until it's final, I need that divorce decree and I want to take my maiden name back asap. The divorce decree is necessary for my peace of mind but in my heart, I honestly don't feel married to him anymore.

I'm sorry C and I came to this end but I'm glad that this is just the beginning of something even greater for me.


  1. So happy that you are doing so well!!!!! Why does C what to postpone things?

  2. His job is very shaky and they are making him transfer from Arkansas to New York, which is awesome bc he hates the north. He moves the first week of February and claims he can't get the time off, but he's staying with the same company so I think he's full of shit.

  3. I am so glad that you taking things in stride. I find this time to be very up and down as well, but I think as long as we are moving in the right general direction we are doing something right. As for dating, you will know when you are ready- for now, a fun texting friend may be just what you need.
    sending you lots of love